Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse Without Validation

Reading these comments has really been helpful & I hope that you all get to a place of peace.
I have been disgarded for the 4th & final time! After 10 years of friendship it is hurtful but i know its for the best.
I'm doing the NC thing except that my Narc is also a coworker in my department who sits very close to me. I can hear her personal phone conversations or conversations with fellow coworkers. I believe she is trying to make things uncomfortable for me.
So any suggestions on keeping it professional while maintaining my personal boundaries would be greatly appreciated.

CAN ANYONE RELATE TO HOW I FEEL....OR IS IT JUST ME.2
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If not for my wisdom in dealing with breakups, I would most definitely be transformed into a murderer and receive a 25-year prison sentence.
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As Chris Rock said in one of his standups comedies, when you hear what’s going on in a relationship, and the man loses it and ends up hurting the woman, he doesn’t condone it – but he can understand.
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So with what’s written here in this manual, it would be to your benefit to take heed to what’s being said because you never know who you may encounter that may take advantage of your good nature. This book is not to scare you from dating, but meant to prepare for the unexpected because when you are not prepared, you don’t know what to do, and that’s what gets people into trouble..2
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You get engaged to a woman. PROPOSAL ON MY TELEVISION SHOW https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhBJpuerbo82
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You move to Texas to close the distance. Four months later, the girl says, I don't want this anymore, I'm not going to marry you.
You pack your shit and leave the next day.
Before the plane lands, she's "BEGGING" you to come back.
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[Email Subject from Lilith]: I must be a fool
I swear I will speak to someone who will not only better understand my situation but also give sound advice. Why am I so hurt right know! I came to an empty house and all I could do is cry.
I miss you terribly and I feel like a fool.
I love you so much and I miss you. I know you told me to not contact you but why do I feel this way? I must be fool to have let you leave.
Please don't give up on us. Please don't.
As I enter into the gait of my complex all I could thing of is a since of emptiness. I know you said dont contact you but I feel terrible right now. I must be a fool.
You are the best man I have ever had and know matter what I want you and need you back.
I have never cried so much over anyone not even when I was in love. Why is that.
I know this isn't infatuation this is and it must be real love because I still want you and need you.
Regardless of your aliments. I will try my best to help. Just please reconsider!
I Love You Andrew Benjamin
Couple of months later, you figure it was wedding jitters since she's already been married twice.
You go back.
Two months later, she's seeing someone else -- only to find out that she's been seeing another man the entire 2 1/2 year relationship.
Per that man's request (no one serious, just someone she's fucking, she tries to put you out on the street. Since you have residency and she can't do that, she calls the cops FIVE TIMES with FALSE accusations of domestic abuse so she can get the court order of protection to put you out.
She calls the so-called fiancee 5 O'clock in the morning to tell him she's sleeping with someone and have that someone tell you she's in good hands.
You lose 8 jobs in NY being in TX and Four jobs in TX being in NY.
And you are stuck with a $30,000 car note.
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You think you look good, but you are “Too Ugly” to be beautiful.
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You’re the type of woman that turn men into murderers because heinous acts forces someone to unleash a vicicously, hellacious wrath from the deepest parts of their souls! I learned that when I comtemplated killing you! This is your lifestyle – running out of houses in fear and climbing out of windows to escape the rage and fury of someone you abused.2
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You’re a black-hearted Succubus that makes this a cold world which leaves many people changed to their core! “If someone treats you like crap, remember it’s something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don’t go around destroying other human beings.”
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CAN ANYONE RELATE TO HOW I'M FEELING.

I was 30 before I was able to seek help for the severe depression, anxiety and emotional problems caused by being raised by narcissists... I had a breakdown when I was 29 and fell to pieces and all the pain from my childhood came to the fore again - I had been in denial most of my life. I've now been in weekly therapy for nearly four years and I've only just come to the realisation that the way I was treated as a child was a form of abuse and that my parents are not ever going to be able to give me what I wish I could have from them, namely love.
My mother was the worst abuser. She's an extremely damaged individual and I don't hate her, I just now know I must protect myself from her. When I was six she started threatening to commit suicide and 'tried' a number of times, although I now know these were never meant to be genuine attempts. She wears the scars (where she slit her wrists) as a badge of pride.
I spent my childhood terrified that I would cause her death by being 'bad' because she would tell me frequently that I made her life so difficult and didn't I know she had so much to deal with (failing to bring a cup or plate down from my room would mean that I didn't care about her and so she might as well leave/die). My dad had left us and the rest of the family just put up with her, no one ever wondered what potential damage she might be doing to her kids.
She treated my like I was her 'best friend', telling me things no child should really hear from their mother, telling me lies about my dad to turn me against him (that he was a paedophile - categorically NOT true - she said the same of my grandfather), slagging off others in my family, using me as an emotional punchbag for all her issues, then dropping me when someone more glamorous or exciting came along.
If I ever dared to have a thought or opinion or feelings that she didn't like, I'd pay for them... She was and is a master game player and extremely manipulative. As long as I play ball, she acts like she cares, as soon as I stop feeding her desperate need for attention and admiration she just doesn't want to know and "abandons" me emotionally and physically (easier to cope with when you're in your 30s but devastating when you're 6,7,8,9,10 years old, etc...). If I dare criticise her or challenge her, she becomes a vindictive, cruel, nasty and spiteful person (the sort of person who says in a text message 'I hope one of your children dies!') that cannot be reasoned with and can only be placated if I apologise and get back in my box, so to speak.
Getting help isn't easy. I'm lucky that my skill-set is relatively sought after and that that pays well enough for me to afford £50 a session for four years (so far) and I am so grateful that I have found a good, reliable therapist who has given me the space to work through my trauma and has never intruded upon it with her own stuff. I'm a long way off any kind of healing. There's so much pain and hurt... and grief. There is a need to grieve for the mother I didn't have (that I wanted so badly to have) and will never have. And so much anger directed at her that has been suppressed - I'm angry that I blamed myself and felt (still feel) so inadequate and rubbish and that all her behaviour was my fault).
The biggest challenge for me is finding my authentic self as that is what she took from me when she insisted that I become a mirror to her emotions and issues and damage. I'm getting there slowly.
Get help wherever you can, Samaritans, or online support group, or anywhere you can. The effects of this kind of abuse are insidious and can be devastating. Love and peace. KC.

So happy I found all this information! I am just getting out of a 24 year marriage from narcissist. I always dismissed him as having bipolar disorder...but the information I am finding is he has NPD. During the course of our marriage I have been physically abused, which did stop when I finally called the police...but I still went back. I have had a restraining order, because he was basically keeping me trapped, he hid my car keys and unhooked my car battery. He has accused me of cheating constant...and the verbal abuse was always there. What has complicated matters is I work for his father and I have a son in a wheelchair along with 3 other children. My house until this past year was in my father in laws name although I paid every house note. All of these things were over my head when I would try to leave or get him out. I finally was able to get the house in my name. I think little by little I had became a little stronger every year. Realizing people do like me. He never worked until this year...I think I have been sort of preparing him to get out by helping him this year...I helped him go through classes stood by him through weight loss surgery. I always had such guilt when I would try to breakup because of the house, job etc. He started working this year and it was a very good paying job but he wanted to use that money for himself and not contribute...I was paying all the bills. I also found out he cheated again. I told him to get out and this time he did. That was 4 months ago and has led me to try to figure out why would I be sad, why in the world am I feeling like this? He has done so much. He once chopped my hair off when I was pregnant. I am so happy I have found this and other sites to explain my feeling and that I am not totally mental and I can recover from this, and help my kids and the guilt that I let it go on all those years and always made excuses. My grown daughter just told me this week "mom you taught us wrong, you always just had us let it go when it came to dad and his mom, even when they did things to hurt us, you always made us let it go and forced us to reconcile. I do feel so guilty for those things! My husband has someone new already and at first I was devestated. And everyone thought it was because I wanted him back, but I just couldn't see how he was sleeping at night with what he has done. But I am now seeing that I will never get that validation, and his new woman, I almost feel sorry for her! I am going to seek some counseling when my kids go back to school because I need to be a mom and can't be letting this all consume and eat me up!

It's been 7 months since my narcissistic EX has abandoned me and I feel like it's been 7 hours no one could understand the mental pain it is to miss someone, yearn to
be with someone that has treated me so bad.. all because I believed in his words did this man loved me....he has taken me to the edge of my sanity. I am so tired of being depressed and I have no one to turn to because my closest girlfriends they say you should be able to just get over him I was with him for almost 5 years he's 52 years old and you would think that he will grow out of this it hurts so bad to love someone that you know never loved you he loved how I looked, he loved the house that I own the career I have, the jewelry I wore but as soon as I gained a little bit of weight he left me my heart is hurting thank you all for giving me the opportunity to share my pain I have no one else to talk to

Thank you for your courageous post. You've been through hell and it's now time to put yourself and your kids first, reclaim your life and enjoy being free. I hope you find a good counsellor who understands NPD (some don't, you don't want someone who doesn't really get it) Go with your gut feeling on things and you will get through ( narcs always try to get us to ignore our gut feelings) don't feel guilty, all this is HIS fault not yours. You are a strong person with a good conscience which is why you were attacked like this. A narc has no conscience and therefore will never be sorry, therefore you are not obliged to forgive them as they will never seek your forgiveness, so don't feel bad about that either.
Put yourself first now, this is the time to heal and get your life back - surround yourself with good people who do not want to manipulate or control you. My mum is a narc, I went no contact 13 years ago for my sanity and self preservation, I'm told it's the only way forward. It's harder if you have kids with this guy as he may try to keep up the game by manipulating them ( speak to your counsellor about the best way forward with this). I've just read an interesting book by George Simon jr. Ph.D "In sheeps clothing" about understanding and dealing with manipulative people, this guy has studied narcs for 30 years.
I hope I have encouraged you, please don't feel bad about anything because it wasn't your fault in any way- these types are parasites. I wish you every success, love, healing and a good life X X

I am on a long and painful journey to healing from the damage that was done. I agree with Sara's comment..."a narc will never be sorry, therefore you are not obliged to forgive them".
I've forgiven only one of my abusers and this is because he died a few months ago. I made the choice to forgive him despite his lack of remorse for hurting me. The way I see it is that he can't hurt me anymore. I am still alive and I am determined to rebuild my life no matter what happens.
What we need to do is set boundaries and protect ourselves from toxic, harmful people. I have distanced myself from a lot of people who have hurt me in the past.
Life is too short to spend it with abusive people who only aim to tear you down. Now I focus on being with people who appreciate me, uplift me, and infuse happiness into my environment.
Both positive AND negative energy are contagious. When I was constantly surrounded by narcs and couldn't escape, the negativity affected my mental/emotional state to the point where I felt suicidal.
When I am in a positive environment with positive people, I feel renewed, like a whole new person who can do anything. Narcs are vampires that drain us of positive energy.
This is why I've learned to spot these kinds of people and avoid them or limit contact in cases where I still have to interact with them.
I once had somebody try to tell me that I'm a bad person for not wanting narcs around me. "You have no compassion" this person said, "you need to understand that they act that way because they're in pain".
Well, maybe that is true for some of them, but that is still not my problem. It's sad if a narcissist became that way due to being abused themselves, but at some point they have to learn that hurting others is not OK.
As survivors, we should never apologize for wanting to protect ourselves from anyone who tries to hurt us.

@Lynn...my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain because I've been there. Narcs are not capable of loving others for who they are; there is usually some shallow reason behind it.
I've dated men in the past who were initially drawn to me because of my looks, but they were also very critical of me. "You need to straighten your hair, you need to wear different clothes" etc.
Over a period of time, they would become more insulting and abusive, sometimes even allowing their families and friends to disrespect me. I stayed with an abusive partner much longer than I should have.
If a person only "loves" you for WHAT you have instead of WHO you are, it isn't love. A man who can't accept the flaws that make you human is not worthy of you.
It sounds like he defined your relationship based on shallow things like your money, your home, your appearance. But what about YOU? Did he truly care about you?
Maybe this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise for you. This guy left because you gained weight but it is his loss. Think about it...what if you got sick and the illness changed your appearance?
If a person leaves you because you gained weight or your hair falls out or you show any hint of being human, it is THEIR problem, not yours.
You are no less beautiful or worthy because this guy walked out on your life.

Completely dead inside. Feel so trapped. Been involved in a relationship with a narcissistic man for 14 years. Feel trapped and so weak. No job, no income, no car, no family and only one friend who I have only known a couple of years. I have 2 cats that I can't bare the thought of leaving behind. I recently caught him cheating again, and know I need to leave. BUT HOW!? I said before, my cats are all I have left... I just can't leave them... They are the only things left I love. I am suicidal every moment of every day now. I would have a hard enough time finding a place to go for myself, let alone me and 2 cats. So what now!? He has blamed me for everything wrong in his life and it's just too much... My heart, soul, and spirit are shattered, and I am starting to feel like I won't make it through this ordeal alive.

I believe I am a victim of narcissistic abuse and I don't know what to think. I am extremely concerned that i may have picked up on the abusers behavior as I was and still am very young. I was 15 at the time and now 17. I was lucky enough to be discarded after only two years. The most prominent warning sign that the abuser was in fact abusive is gas-lighting. He got so angry that i didn't believe his lie (or anything that he said for that matter) that he accused me of false accusations and left. I was devastated. I had no understanding whatsoever of what had happened to me and believed that perhaps it really was my fault. I have gotten a small amount of validation from the abuser himself since then and have cut contact, but only a few things that had been bothering me had been addressed as he denied most things that i was concerned about. There is a part of me that is still terrified that I may have been the abuser. Is this normal? Am I the abuser? How do i learn to trust my self again?

Please help me. I live with a narc and just started to figure it out in June. He denies everything, it's like he has a second life... I don't even KNOW this man.
It's scary. I still live with him. If I contact his ex To find out then tRuth, I would be in danger so I ant.
I try to tell myself I don't need her words to confirm, I know the truth already.
I have to get out of this but how can I afford to live in my own.. I'm working on it but will take a few months during which time ihave t keep my sanity.
Please help

is there a certain degree of narcissism ? Can someone be having mild degree of this behaviour ?

This article was very helpful, the parts I struggle with are that whilst I am recently out of the relationship, and can see the red flags the frustrations I felt drew me to anger, and was accused of control. My N was an alcoholic and i was accused regularly that she walked on eggshells? Was it really me that's the N? Or was my actions an effect of the toxic relationship, and constant lies and cheating? She has a new fella, and flaunts him at me and blames me for her drinking too!

A message for Caroline........your post touched every part of my feelings at the moment. This is exactly where I am right now. Thank you. Mandy

It has only been a little under 1 month since our fallout. This is someone who I truly loved and still love. I thought he would be the one for me. For 3 years I have endured the ups and downs. Any small argument turned into a verbal fiasco. Never in my life have I allowed a person to treat me so badly. He made (and still makes because we stil have contact) me feel everything was wrong with me. He left over something small & I haven't seen him in almost a month. If he ever truly loved me how could he stay gone for so long? We talk everyday still but he insists that I don't appreciate or support him. It's so easy for him to write me off, stay distant, not answer phone calls or texts; but when I ignore him, it's F me. I can't even hardly write because of the tears. We have a business together and he takes it away and gives it back at will. I have no income other than our business & he knows that. He has even gone so far as to go to Wells Fargo and remove me from the business bank account. I now have to start from scratch because I do not have enough money to start my own business from scratch and support my two children. He told me so many times I should be thankful that a man would except me into his life already having two children from a previous relationship. He really is Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde in the flesh. On the outside he is handsome & well put together, but behind closed doors he is a menace. I can not begin to explain the verbal, mental, & sometimes physical abuse I have suffered from this man. He has cursed me out in front of my children, his child, his own mother (who is a nutcase in her own right), & in public. He has punched holes in my walls, broken personal belongings & overall made me feel less than a woman. He never gave me a compliment or showed affection. He is extremely controlling. He tends to "punish" me with the silent treatment, no affection, witholding funds, witholding sex & by being distant. Tonight we got into it because I asked him over for dinner & he seemed repulsed by my question so I got mad and hung up the phone. He sent me a text saying I was crossing business with personal. We have been broken up for a little under 1 month and I'm supposed to magically view him as only a business partner? Go figure. When I tried to call him back he wouldn't answer or respond to the multiple text messages that I sent to him. He seems to have the magical ability to cut me off completely at any given point in time, but give him a few days & he will call back like nothing has happened. I have to get out of this toxic spiral because it is detrimental to my self esteem and overall state of mind. He never sees his wrongs. No matter what it is always my fault because I am selfish & unappreciative. As much as he hurts me I still find it difficult to let go. I want to let go but I don't want to see him happy and treating someone else good. On the outside we appeared to be perfect for eachother. We have a massive amount of things in common people tell us how good we are for eachother but have no idea what I have endured. He is all about the veneer, but on the inside he is someone totally different. I'm beyond hurt. I have so many unanswered questions but he will never answer them because I need to "stop being emotional" & "get over it." How do I get over this? I try to go no contact but it is not easy. I really send prayers and positive thoughts to everyone on this thread who has dealt or who is currently dealing with an NPD. I commend those of you who have overcome this beast & I hope to follow in your footsteps of healing. Stay strong everyone of you.

Brianna,
I read your story and for some reason felt like you were telling mine. I'd like to talk with you if possible can you please email me? Thank you.
Lorraine
Loraineluvs2run@gmail.com

I'm glad that sites like these exist and that some light is being shed on the issues of dealing with people with personality disorders. So very few know about this.
I am nearly 4 years divorced from my NPD wife after 11 years of marriage. Mine was the terribly easy connection of an NPD with a Codependent - a dance that is easily started, difficult to end, and horribly devastating for one of the participants. I had never known about NPD until I sought therapy post divorce, and the "epiphany" of learning about this dynamic took so much off of my own psyche. But still, all this time later, I'm feeling the effects in many aspects of my life.
Part of the issue is that we have children together, so I am constantly exposed to my abuser and she still has ways of purposefully making my life miserable and exerting control wherever she can - and using the kids is fair game. Like many of you all have experienced, at times my NPD reaches out with kind words and false regret to draw me in. I realize it's her need for narc supply, but that does not prevent the heart strings from being pulled. We all know that this then cycles like the moon, and later she presses the buttons she knows will hurt me the most in order to inflict pain. The most terrible part is her innate knowledge on what to say to get the most pain possible. During our time together she stored all of my vulnerabilities, my fears, and my insecurities in her mind for the sole purpose of weaponizing them against me - and she is a master weapons maker.
I see her effects on my children, but courts and lawyers are just not as educated as they should be to this and my efforts to gain more custody fall on deaf ears. Thankfully, my kids naturally sense this and now that their parents apart they can feel the difference in their time with me compared to my ex. As they get older and have more control of where they stay I'm thankful they are choosing the safe environment that I am providing.
So we all know the abuse. We know the manipulation, the blame projection, the isolating, the gaslighting, and the loss of self. The trick here is where do we navigate after and try to find ourselves again? I've done therapy, medication, and read everything I could and I think I have a certain portion of the person I once was. I'm still so sad though and even a bit disappointed in myself. I seem to make certain choices still out of fear. Fear of conflict, fear of failure, fear of in any way doing something that could lead to that pain that almost killed me after my marriage broke up. I never was one to shy from a challenge or embrace a change in my life, but after this I am just so hesitant to step out of my comfort zone. It applies to work, to my finances, and even to relationships I've had. I hope that sites like these can help us rediscover our true selves. I know we won't be like we were before these abusers entered our lives, and that's OK. I just hope we all find a way to live for ourselves again and let go of these tendrils that still might have their grips on us.

No one understands the pain of a narcissistic relationship unless you have experienced the hurt first hand. The road to recovery is a road few victims travel. The first step is to want to feel better. From there dedicate yourself to change. Meaning picking up moving forward, and letting go of what has happened. Also, it is important to realize you cannot make a narcissist change or help them realize the pain they cause. Take the lid of life and choose to live again.

Recovery is so hard because you already gave away all your power, then you are left with none for yourself. He has moved on to another suppy and is happy as a clam. Meanwhile, you....the "ONE" he wanted forever, is left in a puddle of your own emptiness. Answering your own questions..."How could I have let this happen?" is impossible. It's hard to remember that it was his illness, not yours. He just dragged you into his world, just because you loved him and you believed he was who he represented himself to be.

Im a man After 13 years with my wife. I had gone so far as hiding under the bed. I with drew from life. I wanted to die I felt so trapped. I gained 115 lbs. Had 2 heart attacks worked my self crazy to maintain her needs. When I had nothing left for her she found another man to abuse. She wanted to be freinds. I'm only know understanding why this has been so hard on me. I've been in combat under fire with no problems but this was killing me. I'm still getting a grip on it all

She sounds just like my sister..

I have recently left my narcisstic husband after 2 years.
When we first dated he was the ideal man, kind generous and loving. As soon as we got married his behaviour changed, he became cold uncaring ...it was , secretive, just strange I could never put my finger on it. I began to think it was me and that I was argumentative and unreasonable. He admitted he had an issue with OCD so I took him to see a psychiatrist - I never got to find out the results of the sessions due to patient confidentiality. It all came to a head when I became exhausted by his behaviour never eating, sleeping, silent treatment, refusing to share money , refusing to work and rude behaviour towards my family . It escalated into a massive argument which resulted in me finding out he had been previously been married, is violent and a compulsive gambler. I had a lucky escape . For me it was comforting to find out from his ex that he had already behaved in this manner with someone else. It wasn't me and I wasn't imaging it. I've only just realised that I have married to a narcisst and suffered narcisstic abuse . It's not something I had ever heard of before. My advice to anyone in a relationship with a narcist don't think they will ever change. They won't. The only person who will change is you - you will lose who you are . You have to be strong and leave before you forget who
You are.

I have been with my narc for 20 years. On a family vacation to visit his family he and his mother blew up in my face about speaking to his ex brother in law. I was forced to leave the house without my kids and spent three nights in a hotel with no transportation until he decided to go back home and was nice enough to allow me to ride along ? I am prepared to file once we return home but because we have children how do I prepare for the rage that is anticipated because going no contact is not an option

Yes justbrecovering. Getting my self esteem back, re engaging in my life again. Still grieving for the charming man I met. I have also lost so many friends from this relationship,I am lonely now

I'm another guy who has finally left his covert narcissistic wife. I don't have much to add to the descriptions in this story and in these responses. These descriptions have been told time and time again. I just wanted to point out how much more difficult it is for a man to get help when being abused by a covert narcissist. Once you've lived this, you eventually realize that the narcissist isn't lying to you when they accuse you of abuse, no matter how ridiculous or exaggerated the accusations. They actually feel that you have hurt them. It's called narcissistic harm. They truly believe they are a victim. As NPD is a personality disorder, it is both their perception of reality and their reaction to this perception which is affected without them even knowing it. All too often, this genuine belief is enough to convince others that the actual abuser is the victim of abuse. This is especially true and devastating when a divorce with young children occurs. The female narcissist will be able to create many "flying monkeys" through her claims of abuse and these people will help her in her quest for full control and full custody of the young children (who can't much understand the problem yet). This is happening to thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands, of families every year and our culture has very few means of addressing it as men are never thought of as the victim and women are never thought of as being the villain.

I first got with my gf 4years ago ,everything was fine at the start. Then slowly I noticed she was going at mad at me with things I never did like she would say I shouted at her when I didn't, I physically did things to her when I didn't. I couldn't understand what's going on I felt like am I going crazy? Am honest when it comes things i know am not perfect. I always apologize when I do wrong and try to change things to do better. She would never apologize gets angry when I confront her or ask her to apologize. She sends me texts or images that would make me think she's with some one else. when I confront her she always has a twist and say I didn't mean that or you got the wrong end of stick. Weeks days go by we don't talk n get back together as I feel sorry for her and keep thinking maybe I am in the wrong or at faults.
But i just don't understand what it is I feel like I am not myself I feel drained dead inside. I was bubbly confident person before I met her.. I find it really hard to move on with life and she's drilled my head I will never ever find anyone like her and the grass is not always greener her exact word . I feel bit lost and stuck.
Can this be me in the fault am I just playing mr softy and probably feeling sorry for myself or is she just a wrong character. I don't know the difference or right or wrong no more.

I just left covert narc husband after10 years together. Now that I'm healing myself, I can see that my mom was a narcissist and I've pretty much been groomed for this bs. as a child, I wondered why am I a good person when I should/ could be a great person. Then I left for college and didn't have to suffer her as directly.
Then I met narc spouse. Some stupid things I remember was being afraid that he would hear me pee. But I thought that was just nervousness from starting dating. Then when we lived together, I'd be scared to pee in the middle of the night because he'd get mad if I flushed and woke him up.. but if I didn't flush he'd be mad about seeing what was left in the latrine. And I had so much undo stress about something as dumb as that. And THAT was just the beginning. it just kept getting worse on every facet until I started taking Prozac right after we got married. When I finally left is when I was considering taking ADHD mess because I couldn't think and had no motivation to do anything. I had a constant eye twitch. And my wrists/ hands didn't work. So I left the house to figure things out. And when I was out of his influence, I realized that I'd been abused.
I wasn't even planning to divorce then, either (baby steps). Until one day I went back into the house to pick up our young son and spouse lost his mind. He was screaming and crying and saying I was hollering at him (when in fact I was cowering on the floor in fear). So that's when i decided I would not be married any more.
I've lost a ton of friends because things have been set up as if he's the good, responsible partner and I'm the crazy, irresponsible one. But knowing that they will Never understand has made letting them go easy. Plus they were his friends. They are not ppl i would choose to befriend on my own. As an exhaust valve 2 years ago, I started doing stand up comedy. It's been therapeutic. I go to Al Anon, therapy and yoga.
Keep climbing, friends.

I finally left my covert narc husband after 11 years of marriage last weekend. I feel that I am on the edge of a cliff and leaping into the darkness without wings...... I have no job, a rented tiny cottage and little money but I have retained my sanity and I am grateful that the very things he tried to destroy in me have survived along with my will to be happy. Having a child with him I have to face the threats of annihilation he has been throwing at me for most of our marriage: the threat to destroy me financially, take custody of our child and leave me with absolutely nothing not even my good name. After our 3rd year of marriage I knew that something was abnormal in the way he acted, communicated, related to me. But to the outside world he was the most perfect, charitable kind and generous man you could meet. That is why I fell in love with him but after much reading I accidently came across narc books and realised that he held a vast number of 'covert' narc traits since I first met him 20 years ago - I must take responsibility for not walking away permanently back then. After 2 cycles of counselling throughout the last 3 years not one counsellor told me that he had narc covert traits - had this been pointed out to me I would have began to realise the numerous covert narc techniques he had used on me over the years repeatedly, most obvious being 'gaslighting'. For all of our marriage I have blamed myself for most of our 'problems' because how could such a good decent man be the problem? Of course I deserved everything he threw at me because as he said he was a good family man who worked hard for his family; so what if he became angry or gave me the cold shoulder for days, weeks or months at a time as I deserved it as I made him angry (although he wasn't 'angry' just 'frustrated' and it was my fault) I on the other hand was the lazy ungrateful unappreciative wife - that is why I deserved to have no affection, intimacy or empathy or compassion. I must also put up with his constant porn use since I had 'driven' him to it (he repeatedly has denied using it even with hard evidence produced in his face) - a therapist had after all told him he clearly had no addiction if as he said he 'could take porn or leave it' therefore his porn use was in retaliation for having a bad marriage and terrible wife (the doctor clearly was taken in by his narc strategies to fool her); He could of course do what he liked since he paid the bills and he brought in the money. If I didn't like it I could go and find some other 'sucker' who would quickly realise what a terrible person I was (a bad mother, a bad wife, a bad daughter, a bad human being) . He recently for the millionth time told me that no one would put up with me and I would one day (when it was all too late and he had found someone younger and wonderful) realise what a horrific mistake I had made but he had tried to make me see but failed as I was stubborn and always had been)... I was also good looking but that was it... 'there was nothing else to say about me other than my looks'. The full dawning of the abuse I had suffered, the full realisation to its extent only occurred on reading Malignant Self Love - Sam Vaknin. This book (hard reading) saved my life and sanity and gave me the courage to realise firstly I was the victim of abuse and secondly that no amount of couples counselling or changes in my behaviour (for example: find a highly paid job that matched his earnings) would 'mend/heal' my husband's dysfunction. After reading this book 2016 I immediately made my final counselling cycle appointment and thank god she had read Vaknin and was fully aware of the specific covert narc traits and after numerous sessions was in full agreement with my assumptions - she advised me for the sake of my health (I have been left with a 'shake' and stress hair loss), my mental health and the wellbeing of my child to escape my abuser husband at the earliest and safest opportunity. Sometimes it is extremely helpful to name a 'thing' and to know who your enemy is, what you are dealing with..... Once I knew for definite that this man that I married in the beautiful tropical islands in mid-2000s never existed, had never existed but only in my own imagination (and those of course who he wishes to hoodwink), the more I could research the Narc Covert traits and gain power from this knowledge - it has been invaluable and I advise anyone in a similar position to do the same. I must say there is a huge amount of information out there on the web and in books that focus entirely on Narc overts and this is why my husband's disorder never made sense since he didn't 'fit' into the overt Narc criteria (well only a handful of traits) therefore this really needs to change if women and men are to be educated to identify these types of people and to avoid them at all costs in the first instance. I lost my mother recently in horrific circumstances but my husband and his abuse prevented me from grieving. Even on the day of her funeral I began to make concrete mental plans to leave him and felt my mother's spirit urging me on (she suffered chronic domestic abuse during her own marriage).... And so now I am here typing this up in my own safe space with my child asleep in the next room. With my husband I lived in our beautiful big house in a beautiful village yet over the years I began to feel a deep overriding depression of hopelessness..... life, energy and spirit was draining from me from every pore. He occupied my every thought; I can see that now. My spirit was on the verge of being broken - he clearly through his abuse wanted to wipe me off the face of the earth - to obliterate me and that is what he nearly succeeded in doing and that realisation fills me with shock since when we met I was a strong, capable and fun/life loving woman filled with joy, hope and optimism. I am a shell of my former self. But I know what I have to do. I know I must heal and grow again and be a better version than I ever was before the abuse because that way I will never fall for a Narc again whether covert or overt or otherwise. I wish everyone who is reading this site because they realise they are being abused a very happy and narc-free life...... take courage, get out of the abuse and be the person you were born to be. We only have one life........ (A from UK)

Not knowing these demons existed, I married one almost 10 years ago. In my opinion I married the worst kind of narc, he is a phsicatris and using his station as a doctor to get away with way more than he should. The courts and other professionals believe his ward over mine, at least that's how it feels. When I went to court to file for full custody because he was physically abusive (and I had proof of it) and a alcoholic, I walked away with shared parenting because nobody would touch him because he was a doctor and I had no degree or career because of him. Our legal system sucks and there not going to take notice until something horrible happens to my kids in his care for anyone to listen.
Even though I'm divorced from him and live clear across town, I can't seem to get away from his reach of Narc behavior. I'm trying to move on but still feel like I'm drowning in his abuse.

This is an excellent account of narcissistic abuse. I lost almost everything to a man who never existed. He devalued my acheivments and all my life experiences. Cheated on me drove my family away by his tantrums, bullied me. I did everything to please him and it was like living with a spoilt child, i dreaded his moods. He cheated on me and then try to make out he was nothing. He would blow up over the smallest perceived slight.I lived on egg shells. Then he left me abruptly I was in shock, he left on a whim and went back to his ex wife after x amount of years. Since then he has contacted me and wanted to get back with me, left a flower on my car several times. I have struggled to remain contact free, but I must for my own sanity. I am able to look back and see how I ended up with this N. I was vulnerable when he met me, he loved bombed me then devalued me and discarded me over and over again. I was a shadow of my former self. He really broke me , told me what to wear eat even once how to breathe! But I'm freee I'm so glad he left me. I'm rebuilding my life and I now see the signs. I fear I have been damaged by this relationship I dont know how to get over that. UK

I am in a situation where he is about to throw me In prison for three years if I don't get out and get help now. He is a man of steel with a deep and dark heart. I need help.

I have been at the receiving end of the narcissistic discard.
I'm 22 and the relationship in actuality lasted for about 8 months. The worst time of my life.
It started with the usual love bombing phase and since it was my first relationship I even though after knowing something seemed "off" went ahead with the relationship.
He never seemed to hear any of my emotional pleas and was never ever there to have my back. The abuse started 3 months into the relationship. Everytime he would treat me like shit and never resolved the issues. I would inevitably take him back. He purposely tried to make me jealous of other females even though I'm considered an attractive and smart woman. By the time it reached the six months mark I was reduced to a former shadow of myself with constant abuse and hits on my self esteem.
He left me after final physical abuse eventually but continued to take advantage of me both physically and financially, which I did in the hopes that he would come back.
He is in the same class as me so I have to look at him everyday. He has made me chase him and then blatantly ignored me and destroyed my reputation as being the crazy ex , at times going to the length of saying to.his friends to date me so.that I'm off his back. He told me all this himself with a smirk.
He still continues to toy with me while knowing how things are affecting me and I believe he sometimes take pride in my miserable times.
I've been following no contact but some days such as these are very hard on me, especially when I have to see him everyday with his new supply.
I hope to make through this situation without losing myself.

I was married to covert narcissist for 23 years . My ather was a narcissist but I was his golden child and that was extremely difficult to navigate as my mom and kids see him as the victim martyr role he is presenting. My biggest concern is helping my adult children understand the impact he’s had on them and the parental alienation he is trying to accomplish with them. Do you have any resources or counseling referrals you could suggest. I think the sooner they understand why they struggle with addiction and
Codependency the easier it will be to seek help. ANY ADVICE you could forward along would help me and my kids immensely . Thanks so much , Lisa

I am a lesbian and just realized now that my four relationship has ended that I was dealing with a Narcissist. It feels kike my whole world is lost and I am a walking confused shell of a person. I am not working right now and just don't know what to do but I have to fight because I have a 11 year old who is in a ware and even my relationship with her I feel it's ruined. I put everything into my relationship even though I still took care of my daughter. I still feel kike a fool and like I have no where to turn. The pain is unbearable and I slowly feel like I'm emotionally dying. I am so lost and don't know how I will pick up the pieces of my life..m.??

I have been with this man for almost 3 years. I do believe he is a narccisist but i have only been learning about it recently. When we first got together hes was the most amazing man the the world. I was the happiest i believe i had ever been. Everything would be perfect then he would disappear. He left and came back like 3 times. Being gone from 1-3 weeks. I still took him back. That was over the first 6 months. After that it was perfect again. Soon everything was about about him. He had me move from my home to another county which is something normally i would have never done. I had three kids and was close with my family. I never even considered moving away. Once we moved everuthing was about him. Even things like caring for my kids upset him he would say i was ignoring him. I drew disability and all money was in his control. He did not work and was on drugs. We soon lost our home and my kids were took by state. After that he still wanted me to evalve around him. When i would have appointments for my kids he would take off last minute or all the sudden my car wouldnt start. After it was to late to go he would leave in the car no problem. I was not to ralk to anyone but him. At first he never left my side. W
Then at the end be was gone most of the time. He would leave earl when he woke up and come home late. When he was here all i was to do was sit with him doing nothing. But yet he would not act like i was even there. He would not talk or acknowledge me unless it was for se ual favor. Yet if i would try to do something else he would tell me not cause he wanted us to talk and then would go back to ignoring me. He has kept me on a drug since late the first year. I went to a meeting about one of my kids and they gave me a drug test. I had ecstasy in my system at really high levels and i have never done or been around it. Before that point i believed i was going crazy. I was confused and he swore i was doing things i thought i knew he had done. It was after this i. Came across a website about narccisism. I had never heard of it before. He still says he loves and needs me. But its always followed by he wishes i could love him or he accuses me of cheatting. When he knows for one i never would but also that its not possible. It has been about 24 hrs since i left and currently i feel numb no emotion at all. Could this be normal. Part of me wants to miss him but then he was rarely here. I have alot of confusion and im seeking to find help. But any advice would help. Am i crazy or was he wrong or maybe both. I really dont know anymore. Nothing makes since.