I dedicate this post in loving memory of Benjamin Eric Smith. Being Thankful For My Bulimia Recovery Almost a year ago this month, I was invited to be a guest blogger on this Surviving ED blog. ‘Why not?’ I thought, after finding out more about what it entailed.  

If there were one message I would want to beat into the collective conscious of our culture, it would be this: You can have an eating disorder at any weight, shape, or size. It seems that no matter how many eating disorder awareness weeks we have, we continue to have this idea of eating disorders that is dominated by Karen Carpenter, Mary-Kate Olsen, and a handful of other famous anorexics. Strangely, this belief seems to go both ways. If you are very thin, you must have an eating disorder, right?

It is not my intention to make this blog post any form of commentary on religion itself, but as a part of an inter-faith family with Easter and Passover coming soon, I recently got to thinking of how religion’s restrictions on what we eat can impact someone in eating disorder recovery. 

It's hard to believe that this time last year, I was packing my bags and preparing for my third stay at an inpatient and residential treatment center for anorexia nervosa. I had been discharged from my second stay barely eight months before. Today, I'm coming up on nine months out of treatment (a record for me) and am solidly in recovery. So what made the difference?

Okay I'll admit it, eating disorder recovery maintenance doesn't always feel natural or easy and it's not always a pretty picture. I've been getting a lot of questions from people wanting to know if I find that eating disorder recovery gets easier with time. I also get asked if I still feel discouraged in maintaining eating disorder recovery.

One of the most exhausting things about having an eating disorder is the non-stop racket in your brain. And while some of that chatter is about calories, food, and exercise - a lot of it is how you compare with other people. Is s/he skinnier than I am? She's eating a salad - she must think I'm so fat for eating a sandwich. So-and-so used to spend X hours at the gym - I only spent Y. More than anything, I just wanted my brain to shut up.

I often say, and write, that my eating disorder never defined me, not its diagnosis, nor the stigma attached to suffering through the illness. Even today, I'm open about the fact that I deal with food anxiety and no, I'm not ashamed of that either.

Not a day goes by without me feeling grateful about being able to share with you on this blog my lived experience with an eating disorder. The concept of giving back to others who stand where I once stood makes me very happy and truly helps me maintain my recovery.

Next week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. There is a lot to be said about educating other people about eating disorders. A lot of misconceptions and stereotypes surround eating disorders that need to be remedied. People have to know what having an eating disorder really means if we want them to support us on our road to recovery. And it is really difficult to talk to others about your illness if you're not convinced of its legitimacy yourself. But remember, your eating disorder is a real illness.

At times, I don't feel comfortable around food, even in ED recovery. Some people seem surprised when I mention that, at times, I'm a bit uneasy about sharing a meal with others, or eating in public. "But aren't you doing well?" Yes, I'm doing well,  thank you, but . . . ! Even in ED recovery maintenance, eating can potentially be stressful. I'd like to share some tips with you on how I get through it. And you can get more comfortable around food because as I've said many times, no matter where you're at in your eating disorder recovery, you are a stronger person than you think.