Psychotic episodes are not random ideas, thoughts and noises within our mind. They are stories that follow certain patterns and sequences that are logical to us at the time. There is nothing "disorganized" about a psychotic episode. To prove this point, I have written several of my psychotic episodes onto paper and turned them into fictionalized stories. Some of these have been published by alternative magazines, while others still sit on my shelf. Turning my psychotic episodes into an art has been therapeutic and helped me to confront my horrifying past.

Schizophrenia has allowed me to glimpse into the hellish nightmare of realities and existence beyond the human condition. It has cursed me with falsehoods and phantasms that exist from elsewhere able to defy the human senses. What is this reality that plagues me? Scientists speak of chemical imbalances and psychotropic medication, yet the experience of psychosis feels more spiritual and surreal than any science textbook can describe. The very nature of my illness has allowed me to glimpse into a different dimension, that plagues the afflicted and strikes fear in others.

I have Schizophrenia and because of this I understand that my illness can be a liability for myself and those around me. Though I am a productive citizen of society when medicated, my illness also puts me at risk for relapse in the future. For this reason, I would never allow myself access to firearms for both my personal safety and those around me.  This is not because I am an evil person, but because Schizophrenia can result in erratic behavior if uncontrolled.  People with Schizophrenia are at high risk for suicide, as nearly 10% will end our lives from our illness.  There have also been incidences of homicides as a result of psychotic episodes.

A recent study by the Karolinsk Institute in Stockholm has provided evidence for what I have always believed; that there is a positive aspect to Schizophrenia. Though Schizophrenia is destructive to people afflicted with the illness, their family members are more likely to display brilliance in the arts and sciences. This seems true in my family as my brother is a renowned engineer and my sister a skilled Nurse Practitioner. Many of my relatives graduated from Ivy League schools and hold prestigious positions in society. Is it possible that my illness is linked to their success? According to this study this may be the case.

To people with Schizophrenia, the world is an enigma that needs to be solved. We are always asking questions. "What", "how" and "why" are the words that permeate in the back of our minds. Though everyone asks themselves questions, the questions and answers are usually based upon rationality and reason. For people with Schizophrenia, information becomes scrambled and the answers to such questions become what our subconscious desires us to believe.

Recently, I had suffered a relapse into a deep depression that I had difficulty recovering from. Though the medicine kept the majority of psychosis at bay, I was nevertheless crippled and left in a state of disarray. A medication increase by my psychiatrist had only quelled my most severe symptoms of schizoaffective disorder. What was different about this episode however, is that it was partially instigated by a lack of sleep from an unknowingly broken CPAP machine.

Immediately after having been sucessfully treated for Schizoaffective Disorder, I experienced difficulties adjusting to normalcy and calmness in my life.  Though no longer actively psychotic, the world around me felt as if it had changed because I had now experienced the dark side of both myself and the world around me.

Schizophrenia, as horrifying as it may be, gave me a glimpse into alternate realities and showed me another world that defies and transcends the physical world in which we live. Before contracting the illness, I considered myself to be a man of science, rationality, and skepticism. My training and education within the sciences demanded it. It was during these studies that I became entrapped in my first psychotic fantasy.

What is it that lies behind the voices, the odd beliefs and strange behavior of paranoid schizophrenia? Most mental disorders are easier to visualize and understand, but this particular one has a pervasive aura of mystery. Though schizophrenia is a disease of the brain there are certain patterns of thinking that are prevalent in the majority of patients. I remember these and why I believed them.

For many years I had wrongly believed that I was a bad person for having Schizoaffective disorder. Many people around me believed likewise. It was not until years later through treatment that I realized Schizoaffective disorder is something that I have, and not something that I am. This is probably why Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder can be treated better than many other mental illnesses, and will be even more treatable in the future.