As some of you may already know, I have received a schizoaffective disorder diagnosis. What I have not revealed until this time, is that I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. You may ask, "What does a schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type diagnosis mean?"

Quieter schizoaffective voices are new to me, compared to the loud voices I usually hear as part of my schizoaffective disorder -- a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. My schizoaffective voices have changed lately. And in a good way. But even the quieter schizoaffective voices usually come on when I’m facing stress in my life.

Content warning: Frank discussion of suicide affecting schizoaffective disorder. After I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and then schizoaffective disorder, two of my friends, Josh and then Aaron (not their real names), died by suicide. Their deaths were tragic, unnecessary, preventable, and painful. And their deaths triggered a new direction in my schizoaffective disorder—dying by suicide became an option.

Anxiety affects me much more than schizoaffective disorder. You see, schizoaffective disorder is a combination of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I have schizoaffective disorder, so I have symptoms of schizophrenia and symptoms of bipolar disorder. Then there’s a bonus--generalized anxiety disorder. Bipolar disorder is often accompanied by anxiety disorders. And it's my anxiety symptoms that affect me the most, even more than schizoaffective disorder.

Behaving badly due to schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder can cost us relationships, friendships, jobs, degrees, and more. I don’t use my schizoaffective disorder as a free pass to do or say whatever crummy thing I please. Here’s what I’ve learned about myself and my schizoaffective disorder through behaving badly. This is also how I confronted that behavior and turned it around.

Boredom – it’s been a continuing struggle since I've started dealing with the effects of schizophrenia and then with schizoaffective disorder. After all, let’s face it, everyday life is not as exciting as a schizoaffective psychotic episode or even a manic episode. That’s not to say I would rather be experiencing acute schizophrenic symptoms than remaining successfully in treatment. I just mean that when you’re on medication for schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder that is sedating, there are so many stressful activities I can’t handle and life can become a little boring due to the effects of schizoaffective disorder.

With schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, you can experience the "summer blues." Schizoaffective disorder is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. For me, that means I’ve had a schizophrenic psychotic episode in which I thought I was being stalked by famous people, the Italian mafia, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). It means that I hear voices. And it means that I have bipolar mood swings, from manic highs to depressive lows. I usually tend to veer to the side of depression. I am a bit of a connoisseur of depression. I’ve experienced different flavors of depression before and after my diagnoses of schizophrenia and then schizoaffective disorder. One of those flavors is the summer blues with my schizoaffective disorder.

“Adulting” can be hard enough without schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. When you have a mental illness, even seemingly simple things like keeping the apartment clean add up to be monumental tasks (Guilt, Shame, and Responsibility in Mental Illness). Here’s how my schizophrenic and schizoaffective symptoms get in the way of adult obligations, even though I keep tackling them head on.

I do miss the voices in my head occasionally. Most people who hear voices in their head would give anything to get rid of this scary and disruptive symptom of schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder (Auditory Hallucinations: What's It Like Hearing Voices?). I’m one of them. Yet sometimes I wish I could have an episode of hearing those voices in my head. Here’s why.

*** Warning: this post contains frank discussions of suicide and suicidality. *** Feeling suicidal when you live with schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder is common, and I’m no exception (Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, Suicidal Ideation). I’ve been feeling suicidal with schizoaffective disorder for over a decade—even when things are going well, the possibility of suicide has lurked in the back of my mind like a sleeping monster. And right now, not only do I have schizophrenic and schizoaffective symptoms to worry about, but the world seems to be falling apart around me.