I was not surprised by my schizophrenia diagnosis. I realized that I was likely suffering from psychosis six weeks prior to my schizophrenia diagnosis when the symptoms of a patient alerted me to the nature of my own illness. I engaged in a bit of quick research on the subject and inadvertently ensnared myself in a psychotic delusion: I could not tell anyone that I was suffering from psychosis. In my mind, my employer and the government were closely monitoring my Internet history and would determine that I was a fraud. That was the first time I felt like a fraud. It wouldn't be the last.

The intensity of my anxiety has me on a roller coaster. After a flare-up of my schizoaffective anxiety in September and October, my symptoms became really manageable again in November. I felt great. But then, when December came around, I started reeling in anxiety again. I’m not sure why I felt so good in November, or why my schizoaffective anxiety flared up again just in time for the holidays. But I have some ideas about why the intensity of my anxiety keeps changing.

My early signs of schizoaffective disorder showed up when I was as young as 11. But I wasn't diagnosed with schizophrenia until I was 19, and then re-diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, four years later. However, there were definite early signs of schizoaffective disorder with bipolar symptoms during my preteen years.

I'm having suicidal thoughts less often now. Even though I’ve written more than a couple of articles about feeling suicidal with schizoaffective disorder, lately, I’m happy to say, I have gotten beyond feeling that way. I’m not exactly sure what is making things better—for a long time, it was so pervasive. But I'm having suicidal thoughts less often, and I have some insights that I would like to share with you as to why I haven’t been feeling this painful schizoaffective symptom.

I found a way to cope with emotional overreaction in schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. I feel oversized emotions so I emotionally overreact to almost everything. Unfortunately, my big emotions are usually negative—anxious, sad, helpless. Here are some examples of times I experienced big emotions and overreacted. I hope it helps to share how I cope with this trait.

Is this hypomania or happiness? I’m afraid to be happy. I know that’s a cliché, but, for me, it’s true. I’m afraid to be happy because happiness can betray me. What if it just turns out to be schizoaffective hypomania and I crash into a depression? Hypomania vs. happiness really matters.

Really invasive schizophrenic voices stalked me about a week ago. They were brash and loud. They lasted a really long time. And none of my coping strategies worked for calming the impact of the voices. I was at home in my apartment with my husband, too. That should have made the schizophrenic voices episode easier. It didn’t.

I have low self-esteem and schizophrenia (schizoaffective disorder). Unfortunately, I often feel very low self-esteem. I don’t know if it’s because of my schizoaffective disorder, but the schizoaffective disorder sure doesn’t help.

Usually, I can figure out the reason for hearing voices. I hear schizoaffective voices a lot. This week, I heard them two days in a row. That’s never happened before. But I think I know why my schizoaffective disorder made me hear voices two days in a row.

Hearing voices in my head is something that happens to me often. I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. This means I experience mood swings and crippling anxiety along with hearing voices. I know the voices in my head aren’t real, but they’re scary anyway. I heard schizoaffective voices in my heaed today. They started while I was on a train platform, waiting to go home from the hospital where I meet with my therapist.