Do you ever have those dreams where you run and run and you never get anywhere? I used to have those dreams all the time before I started this quest to bipolar recovery. I felt lost. Like I would never get anywhere. And then I began to follow my own advice to those who had asked for it. I began to believe. I believed that what I wanted wasn’t unattainable. This time I ran and smack in the middle of my dream I stopped and smiled. I’m following the road to bipolar recovery and stability and it’s a wonderful thing!

Can you have one without the other? Of course, you could have insomnia by itself, but insomnia and bipolar disorder are best buds. Best buds that drive me up the wall! I would kill for one whole night of 'I can't wait to get up in the morning and live life' sleep. Bipolar gods, are you listening?! Well, in case they're not, I'm off to a sleep specialist to discuss the twixt that is bipolar and insomnia.

Things are going well--I think I'm on my way to a peaceful bipolar life. My psychiatric nurse added an antipsychotic medication at bedtime and I’m doing better. I feel more stable. I have minor shakes, but I can live with that if it means I can handle life. I registered for college this past week and I’m going to start on June 1, 2010. I’m excited and nervous all at the same time. I have to say that I feel better able to handle the stress right now. I meditate twice a day now and it’s been amazing at controlling my stress. The affirmations that I listen to daily remind me that I’m going to make it. I’m keeping a positive outlook on life with bipolar. I feel like I'm about to live a peaceful bipolar life.

We all can get in a rut sometimes. It’s hard to get out of a rut. You have to pull yourself up out of your hole. How can you do that when you feel so defeated? Bipolar Disorder can defeat you like no other disease can. It affects our brain and that affects how we function; which, in turn, affects our relationships and our daily existence. I’ve found myself alone, hopeless, and incapable of doing anything about it. At least until I found the tools in which to combat that feeling of being in a rut.

There was a noise in our car that had been there for a while. So, we went to Pep Boys to have it checked out. It turned out that the noise was a bad rotor in the brake system, but the break pad was fine. It was nothing to worry about right now. The car would still run fine. However, while they were there, they found out that the radiator was leaking. It cost $309 to fix it. I immediately went into stressed out mode. We had money to fix it, but just barely and we’d be sitting tight until the end of the month. I freaked out. I hate bills. They are always a trigger for a bipolar episode to start.

If I keep getting better, I can be whoever I want to be. Today was a fantastic day. I listened to my affirmations, meditated twice this morning and then I put on my suit to go to a volunteer meeting at NAMI. I was so psyched. My dream of helping others like me was going to come true. And then we listened to what they wanted in volunteers and I sighed. I didn’t want to answer the phone or pay a membership fee. I wanted to get down to the nitty gritty. I wanted to be with my people. I wanted to make a difference.

In this video, learn how meditation is helping Cristina with her bipolar disorder. Can meditation help you better cope with bipolar?

Today was supposed to be the first day of my new, improved life. I made an appointment to see a therapist about helping me develop coping mechanisms toward the stress in my life. What I got was a therapist who spewed words at me like yoga, massage, acupuncture and journaling. Okay, lady, I’ve heard those all before! I need something that I can do internally to help my problem. Self help in a little bottle would be nice, but I’m not expecting miracles here. I just want good internal self talk that will point me in the direction of bipolar recovery.

I couldn’t get to sleep last night. My mind was too full. I’m planning to go back to school and there is so much to do. There’s the financial aspect, there’s what I’m going to do with the girls, there’s applications and FAFSA’s to fill out. My biggest worry, though, is whether or not I can do it. Am I capable enough to go back to school and be successful despite my bipolar? Is it possible to even be making these plans not knowing if my bipolar disorder is going to be under control enough to do it? I’m not getting any younger. If I want to enter the work force and become a mental health advocate, I need to do it soon or I’ll regret it.

I put my plants out on the sill to enjoy the sunshine while I haven’t glanced, but a few times, at the sunlight. I’ve lost the bounce that I had yesterday. I don’t know where it went. The Lithium has calmed down. It will probably be that way for awhile until it settles into nothingness and I’ll once again have to increase it in the dream that it will achieve bipolar stability. Oh, if it wasn’t for the damn shakes, I would be stable right now! If I increased my Geodon, I would feel as close to normal as I’ve felt since before my diagnosis. But, instead, I’m trying to slowly increase my Lithium. Please bring me bipolar stability without the shakes!