Are you bankrupt in the romance department? Has the passionate beginning of your relationship cooled down? Too wupped for whoopee?

Romance is a mystery to some of us. And it is often misunderstood. To help us have a clearer picture of romance, first we must define it. If you look up the word in the dictionary you will find that most definitions are vague and the true essence of romance is missing.

Often when coaching couples who have drifted apart, I will ask this question: "Are you still doing the things that brought you together in the first place?" The answer is usually, "No." The romance is gone! This is a big mistake.

The quality of your love relationship has everything to do with romance.       

Romance reflects an attitude of interest and pursuit. In the beginning flattering words and positive actions were clearly designed to win the affection of your partner. We put our best foot forward. When pursuit stops, romance generally deteriorates.

Continue the pursuit. It meets a deep emotional need and builds your partner's sense of security in the relationship. Do it with an enthusiastic attitude. Be romantic with intention. Romance reflects thoughtful affection.

A lack of romance in a relationship is a red flag. It doesn't just communicate a lack of pizzazz or that the "honeymoon is over." It sends a message that you no longer value each other; that your partner is a lower priority.

Relationships flounder when partners take each other for granted. What you take for granted, disappears. Taking someone for granted, breeds disrespect, resentment and becomes a wedge between two lovers. Then comes the drifting apart you once feared.

Consider the consequences of romantic neglect. When you lose the spontaneity and freshness of romance, the more boring, predictable and unromantic your relationship becomes.

Romance requires constant observation and forethought concerning the needs, likes and desires of your partner. Discover new things you can do to spend quality time together. What makes the person in your life feel special or loved? Listen for ideas or things your partner would like to have or do.

Can the passion that was ignited with romance in the beginning continue? The answer is, "Yes." It takes effort. It takes a little thought. It takes planning ahead. It takes doing something for your partner on my own initiative without being asked.

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Make a promise to your partner to create together a once-a-week "date night!" AND, keep your word. Plan something especially romantic. Let nothing prevent your weekly get together. If you have children, have a trusted friend watch them at their house. Return the favor.

Continuing romance is a matter of respect. Romance is an acknowledgment of value. It is visible evidence of love. It keeps your heart turned toward your partner and develops forward movement.

In a romantic moment, to say, "I love you" is great. However, to redeem the meaning of love in your relationship, you should not just say it out loud, you must show it consistently. Romance demonstrates that the words are true.

Love with positive action is very real and is the essence of true romance.

Additional resource:

Read, "1001 Ways to be Romantic" by Greg Godek.

next: It's Time for the 3rd Degree!

Is tyrosine an effective natural treatment for depression? Read more.

What is Tyrosine for Depression?

Tyrosine (or L-tyrosine) is an amino acid, one of the building blocks of protein. We get tyrosine in our body by eating protein-rich foods like meat, fish, eggs, dairy products and beans.

How does Tyrosine work?

Tyrosine is used by the body to make the neurotransmitter (chemical messenger) noradrenaline. Noradrenaline is believed to be in short supply in the brains of people who are depressed.

Is Tyrosine effective for depression?

There is only one good scientific study on tyrosine as a treatment for depression. This study compared tyrosine with an antidepressant and with a placebo (dummy pill). No effect of tyrosine on depression was found.

Are there any disadvantages?

No major ones known.

L Tyrosine side effects can include overstimulation, restlessness, anxiety, and insomnia. Heart palpitations or arrhythmias are potential side effects that occur from high doses of tyrosine. These can occur in sensitive individuals in as low a dose as 200 to 500 mg.

Where do you get Tyrosine?

Tyrosine is available as a dietary supplement from health food shops.

Recommendation

On the limited evidence available, tyrosine is not an effective treatment for depression.

Key references

Gelenberg AJ, Wojcik JD, Falk WE, et al. Tyrosine for depression: a double-blind trial. Journal of Affective Disorders 1990; 19: 125-132.

back to: Alternative Treatments for Depression

Thoughtful quotes about anxiety.

Words of Wisdom

"I'm a firm believer in anxiety and the power of negative thinking" (Gertrude Berg, Molly and Me)

"It is astonishing how much more anxious people are interested in lengthening life than improving it." (Charles C. Colton)

"Nobody knows the troubles I've known, and most of them never happened" (Mark Twain)

"It is not work that kills men; it is worry." (Henry Ward Beecher)

"Little minds have little worries, big minds have no time for worries." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." (William James)

next: Attitude

Learn about vervain for depression and whether vervain is an effective herbal remedy for treating depression symptoms.

What is Vervain for Depression?

Vervain (Latin name: Verbena officinalis) is a small flowering plant. Its flowers and leaves are a traditional herbal remedy and have been used for depression.

How does Vervain work?

This is not known.

Is Vervain effective for depression?

There is no scientific evidence on whether vervain works for depression.

Are there any disadvantages?

None known, although herbalists advise against the use of vervain in pregnancy.

Where do you get it?

Dried leaves for making into tea and liquid drops are available from some health food shops.

Recommendation

Given the lack of scientific evidence, vervain cannot currently be recommended for depression.

back to: Alternative Treatments for Depression

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

All personal and interpersonal problems CAN be solved. When we don't solve a problem, it's often because we haven't identified it clearly.

ARGUMENTS ABOUT "EVERYTHING"

Some people disagree for hours (or days!) without even knowing what they disagree about.

They argue so often that they always know there's going to be another one coming soon - so they are always saving up ammunition for the next one.

Their goal, once the argument begins, is to bombard the other person with everything in their arsenal.

(And, by the way, they usually subconsciously "pace themselves" - to save the biggest blasts for the end...)

This is NOT "problem solving." This is war! The goal isn't to "fix" anything, it's to wound! These people need to get over their desire for revenge and sadistic release before they can even hope to solve the other real problems they have between them.

In real problem solving, however, both people need to agree on which problem they are talking about!

ARGUMENTS THAT "GO NOWHERE"

Have you ever discussed a problem for hours and realized at the end that it was a complete waste of time?

If so, you were probably "circling" the problem rather than facing it directly. We "circle" by being too general when we define the problem.

Examples:

A list of statements a couple might make about a problem they want to solve.

• "The problem is that we don't communicate."
• "The problem is that we don't communicate well enough."
• "The problem is that we don't communicate well enough about the kids."
• "The problem is that we don't communicate well enough about Michael."
• "The problem is that we don't communicate well enough about Michael's school work."
• "The problem is Michael's school work."

• "The problem is that Michael won't do his school work."
• "The problem is that Michael won't do his math homework on a night when his favorite TV show is on
• and he gives in when Charlie pressures him to watch it with him."

Each statement is CLOSER to being a clear statement of the problem, but only the last statement comes close to being well-defined and ready to for problem-solving. [... Michael's "giving in" is WHAT happens, and, "after Charlie pressures him" is WHEN it happens... ]

THE POWER OF "THE MOMENT"

A problem is well-defined and ready for problem solving when we know precisely WHAT happens and WHEN it happens. "What Happens When" is called the MOMENT of the problem.

FINDING THE MOMENT

Some of my clients groan when I ask them for the hundredth time: "Could A Video Camera See And Hear What You Are Talking About Right Now?" If the answer is "No," then all we are doing is venting or complaining. And although venting and complaining can be good for you, doing this for more than a few minutes amounts to "dumping" on the other person.

If the answer is "Yes," then it's time to start real problem by answering these

QUESTIONS ABOUT "THE MOMENT"...

What Always Happens Just BEFORE This Moment?

The moment is "triggered" by certain events or feelings which just happened. A person who says or does something hurtful is actually trying to solve some previous problem which they are not openly discussing.

WHO DOES WHAT During The Moment?

This is what the video camera picks up: the words and body movements (actions) of each person.

What "MEANING" Does Each Person Put To These Events?

Many problems are solved just be learning that the "meaning" we give to these events is totally wrong!

Discussing what each person intended, and what each person actually meant, can be extremely helpful.

What Does Each Person FEEL As A Result?

What each person feels will be a reflection of what they think they've just gained or lost. This may be quite different than what they really gained or lost!

What Is The RESULT Or OUTCOME?

Strangely, these "problem moments" are reenacted regularly in our relationships even though they almost never work to either party's benefit...! If change is going to happen, everyone needs to notice the huge difference between what they hope for and the actual result.

What Can Each Person EASILY AND HAPPILY DO DIFFERENTLY When This Moment Comes Again?

The problem is solved when one or both people find

SOMETHING THEY ARE HAPPY TO CHANGE - and then actually DO CHANGE IT the next time the "moment" comes along.

next: Problem Solving #3: The Six Aspects Of A Problem (Part 1)

You have a responsibility to yourself to get your needs met in your love relationship. If someone is doing something that is unacceptable, something that you cannot tolerate, you have an obligation to yourself to make a choice in the matter.

The degree of unacceptability isn't a consideration. How much you love someone shouldn't be a consideration. If it is unacceptable, that's it!

If you love them, you love them. You will always have a relationship with them regardless of the choice you make to get your needs met.

When someone is doing something that is unacceptable, you compromise your own personal integrity if you are not true to yourself. The choice you make will always have consequences, some we call good; some we call bad.

While the following example may be a non-issue for you, it can be and has been an issue for several of my relationship coaching clients.

"If you love someone unconditionally, how can you walk away from the relationship because they smoke?" Because smoking is unacceptable behavior, period! "Then your love must be conditional!" Hardly. Making a choice about getting your needs met has nothing to do with love. The distinction that must be made is the distinction between love and the choice of getting your needs met.

The problem most people have with this scenario is that the level of unacceptability gets in the way of their understanding. If smoking is unacceptable behavior to the person who is walking away and it isn't unacceptable behavior to the person who asks the question, then the only problem is that the degree of unacceptability becomes the issue, not getting your needs met.

When you make the choice to get your needs met, and the choice is to walk away, you have only made a choice about getting your needs met, not whether you love someone conditionally or unconditionally. It is a healthy choice.

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It is possible to love someone unconditionally and still make a choice not to be with them in a committed relationship because you believe that something they do is unacceptable to you.

It is also a demonstration of your unconditional love to allow that person to continue whatever behavior is unacceptable to you and then choose not to be in the relationship. It's not a matter of placing a condition on your love for that person. It's a matter of choice; the choice to be true to yourself and have your needs met or not.

When you love someone. . . you love them. Making a choice not to be in the relationship because you find their behavior unacceptable is only and always about choice. And there are consequences. When you love someone and you choose to walk away, you are only talking about the choice to get your needs met, not about love.

Anyone who can't understand how someone could do that, obviously is only thinking of themselves; they are only comparing the level of unacceptability with something they find unacceptable. Not a good idea. They are only speaking for themselves.

We need to understand that what is acceptable to some might be unacceptable to someone else.

To stay in a committed relationship when you know that unacceptable behavior is going on can never be a healthy love relationship and the issue will always be a point on contention.

next: Me Change? Yuk!!

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

Therapists are often accused of not being very practical. After we explain how some problem works, we frequently hear: "OK, Fine. But what should I DO About it?!" Therapists don't give a lot of practical advice because it usually doesn't work. People seldom change just by doing what someone thinks they "should" do.

But sometimes an idea comes at just the right time. My hope is that today just happens to be your "right time." HOW TO USE THIS PAGE "Getting Practical #1" applied to every aspect of our lives. "Getting Practical #2" applies to relationships, couples, families, and careers. Don't try to improve in all of these areas once! Just pick out a few statements that feel right to you and notice your improvement each day for a while. Then come back and decide whether to keep these same goals or pick some new ones.

IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS - (Lovers, Friends, Family, Coworkers, Everyone.) Ask for what you want. Don't expect people to guess. Simply say "I like that" and "I don't like that" very often. People around you need to know. Enjoy plenty of close friends with whom you can share almost everything. Remember that the main reason you are with someone is to enjoy them and to play with them. Don't try to help others unless they specifically ask for it - and don't do someone else's thinking for them. Don't keep relationships that are based primarily on complaining and sharing bad feelings.

If you don't have a primary relationship, be sure you have many more close friends than those who do. When you are mistreated, say so! If it continues after you've asked them to stop, find another friend. All relationships will end sadly some day. Don't focus on the end, enjoy it now. Don't value family over friends, or friends over family. Value how you are treated by each person instead. Don't allow anyone to control you - and don't try to control anyone else. Aim at being as spontaneous, intimate, and aware as you possibly can be. State your own limits and boundaries clearly, and ask about other people's boundaries often.

Forget revenge. It's poison. IN LOVE RELATIONSHIPS - (For Couples In All Stages of Life) Spend plenty of time together. (Too much is always better than too little.) Share lots of touch. Touch is the main reason you are together. The most important aspect of your relationship is safe, loving, non-sexual touch. Enjoy a lot of it. The second most important aspect of your relationship is sexual touch. Enjoy a lot of it. Don't try to give or receive trust before it is earned. Trust is earned, it's not a "gift" we give each other. Don't try to earn love or expect the other person to earn it. Love is a gift, it can never be "earned." If you must predict the future, examine the past. (It's often wrong, but it is the best we have.)

Don't focus on "getting" or "measuring" love. Focus on absorbing the amount you have. PARENTS AND CHILDREN - (And When Considering Your Own Childhood) Parents provide safety and warmth, or they are not true parents. Protect and love your child. Don't try to substitute control for involvement. Be with your children. Show them what you want them to know. Treat children as learners. They are not responsible the way adults are until they are in their mid-teens. Be willing to teach your children the same things over and over and over and over and over and over....

Get out of your chair instead of issuing orders! (And remember that your kids aren't your personal robots.) Give your child your time and energy while enjoying them. You are the best thing you have for them. Tell you child what you like at least twice as often as you tell them what you don't like. Children are born to please themselves. Don't teach them that they were born to please you.

Parents must take care of their children, not vice versa. Don't expect your children to take care of you. Welcome and appreciate your child's growing independence. Point out the "natural consequences" of the child's behavior. This is the most effective discipline. Discipline doesn't need to hurt. When it does, the child can only focus on the pain, not on what they did. You should usually ask children instead of demanding. And when you ask they have a right to say "no." Children (and adults) need to "do their best" only in the most important areas of their lives, not in everything. IN EMPLOYMENT - (At Work and About Work) Never be more loyal to an employer than they are likely to be to you. Always know your "market value" (where else you can work, likely pay range and benefits, etc.). Look for work while you have a good job - and start by applying for work that you think is "over your head." Expect to be rejected when you apply for a new job. Take it as a "gold star" along the way to the better job.

Don't take any more mistreatment at work than you would anywhere else in your life. Your employer doesn't own you. You only owe them what you have specifically contracted to do. Don't make work your primary source fr attention and affection. It never works. very physically healthy person is motivated. Discover what motivates those you supervise - and yourself. Change is constant and fast. Be ready for it.

Set general goals for the long term. Then take advantage of each day's steps toward your goals. Find a job you enjoy so much that getting paid for it seems almost unfair.

next: Inter Dependence Homepage

If you have recently come out of a relationship, heed this word of caution. It may be wise to distance yourself from relationships for a while. Take a breather. The tendency of new singles often is quickly to find someone else to be with. Most ministers and mental health professionals agree that that is not a good idea. It is a colossal mistake!

For some people being in a relationship becomes their "drug of choice." They skip around from relationship to relationship. Some get stuck. They feel as though they always have to be in a relationship. They develop the dependency of "needing" a relationship. That is not healthy. Some people allow their feelings of insecurity about being alone to keep them stuck, often in an unhealthy relationship.

Our former relationships never cease to provide us with new and exciting questions, the answers to which can lead to the breakthrough necessary for a healthy love relationship in the future. The rewards of personal inquiry are invaluable and can assist us greatly in being ready for another relationship when the time is right.

I believe that every relationship we are in serves a definite purpose. It fulfills a need for us as we fulfill needs for someone else. Remember, we should only look back to see how far we've come or to see how much we've learned. We can look at our past love relationships and focus on the good we learned from them. I must admit that at times this may be difficult.

Spend time working on you. Work on developing your own self as an individual. The one you are with is you! Reinvent a relationship with yourself. Make it a new and exciting relationship; one you can be proud to carry over into your next relationship with someone else. Nobody wants damaged goods.

Allow time for the healing that is necessary for you to feel comfortable with being alone. That is the only way you can learn how to really be with someone else in the future. After coming out of a love relationship, it is normal to feel rather insecure for a while.

It takes a while to adjust to your new beginning. The delayed gratification is worth it. One of the rewards is discovering that the more time you take for yourself, the more love you will have to give to your future love partner.

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Choose to be alone for awhile. Being independent enough to be alone is a virtue. Cultivate it. When you can learn to be comfortable with being with yourself, then you may be getting closer to being ready for a healthy love relationship with someone else. During this time of aloneness you will discover a clear distinction between being lonely and being alone.

Being alone can help you in getting comfortable about being with yourself. When you are comfortable about being with yourself, your feelings of loneliness will gradually disappear. Spend some time learning to be good company with yourself.

Avoid the self-created fear of being alone. Accept that we do this to ourselves. It can bring no good into our lives. We allow fear to cause us to withhold ourselves from others. Fear breeds insecurities.

It could be said, for example purposes, that even Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle, was insecure. He would swing from vine to vine, not letting go until the next vine was safely in hand. Does this sound familiar? This may make sense when you are in the jungle. When you are swinging high above the ground, your life depends on it.

Your life does not depend, however, on always being in a relationship. The need to be always swinging from one love partner to another is not in your best interest. If you are coming from a love relationship, the last thing you need is another one. . . right away, that is. In this scenario, there is no safety in numbers.

We are so afraid of finding ourselves hanging in midair, we latch onto the first available vine that happens along. Not a good idea!

Leap into your greatest fear. . . be by yourself for a while. Take a good look at what "hanging in midair" feels like. You may be surprised! You will be okay. It won't be the end of the world. Although it may feel like it, that feeling won't last forever.

It is wise to practice intimacy with "self" during your abstinence from relationships. Pray to know God better. Thank him for the courage to get serious about the relationship you have with you. Get to know God. Get to know you. Give yourself the gift of solitude. When you are alone. . . journal. Get in touch with your true feelings. Work on falling in love with yourself for a change and see how great that feels! Be your own significant other. Practice the art of loving you. Take the precious time out that is necessary to rediscover who you are without a love partner.

You must first learn to be alone and happy before you can be together and happy. Learn that it is possible for you to live alone and not be lonely. Discover how to be self-sufficient. Don't be dependent on others for your own existence.

Know that when you eventually do connect with someone you can love, your happiness will be enhanced by just knowing that being in the relationship is your choice and not something you need or must have to survive. To have found someone you can share your life with is one of love's ultimate adventures.

Not having a relationship doesn't keep you all warm and cuddly at night; however, getting yourself ready for a really great love relationship must be your highest priority. Be true to yourself first, it is well worth the wait.

Being alone may call up all the feelings you were afraid you would have if you were ever alone. . . and some you could have never imagined. The pain seems to go on and on, though only if you allow it. Healing takes time. Stay with solitude. Don't be tempted.

At the end of your tunnel is love-of-self and the healing love that only God can provide. You must attain this awareness before you can be in a healthy love relationship with someone else. In times like these, when you are alone with your feelings, life can feel empty.

You can gain much insight into the power of your attitudes in the stillness of looking inward. Your body believes every word you say. Your words and thoughts govern how you feel today and how you will feel tomorrow. A quiet and peaceful mind takes form as a quiet and peaceful body. Peace, be still.

See what it feels like to walk hand in hand with yourself. Give yourself permission to do what may feel risky. Discover new ways of thinking and being. To allow intimacy to be present in a relationship with another, you must first seek intimacy with yourself.

Some of our clearest thinking about relationships can occur when we are not in a relationship. Our mind is often sharper when informed by our own feelings. We are more humble and acutely more in touch with the hurts of the past. We are far more open to new ideas.

Take advantage of this opportunity to learn all you can about yourself and what makes a healthy love relationship. It is in the search for what it takes to have a healthy love relationship that we become more receptive to listening for new ways to make our relationships work better in the future. The very process of searching opens up many new options.

Make having a relationship with yourself your number one priority. Then, and only then, can you move on to what's next!

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next: Putting Your Best Foot Forward. . . or Should a Man Be Who He Really Is on the First Date?

Important things to consider when you are looking for a complementary or alternative medicine practitioner.

Selecting a health care practitioner--of conventional¹ or complementary and alternative medicine (CAM)--is an important decision and can be key to ensuring that you are receiving the best health care. The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) has developed this fact sheet to answer frequently asked questions about selecting a CAM practitioner, such as issues to consider when making your decision and important questions to ask the practitioner you select.

¹ Conventional medicine is medicine as practiced by holders of M.D. (medical doctor) or D.O. (doctor of osteopathy) degrees and by their allied health professionals, such as physical therapists, psychologists, and registered nurses. Other terms for conventional medicine include allopathy; Western, mainstream, orthodox, and regular medicine; and biomedicine. Some conventional medical practitioners are also practitioners of CAM.

Key Points

• If you are seeking a CAM practitioner, speak with your primary health care provider(s) regarding the therapy in which you are interested. Ask if they have a recommendation for the type of CAM practitioner you are seeking.
• Make a list of CAM practitioners and gather information about each before making your first visit. Ask basic questions about their credentials and practice. Where did they receive their training? What licenses or certifications do they have? How much will the treatment cost?
• Check with your insurer to see if the cost of therapy will be covered.
• After you select a practitioner, make a list of questions to ask at your first visit. You may want to bring a friend or family member who can help you ask questions and note answers.
• Come to the first visit prepared to answer questions about your health history, including injuries, surgeries, and major illnesses, as well as prescription medicines, vitamins, and other supplements you may take.
• Assess your first visit and decide if the practitioner is right for you. Did you feel comfortable with the practitioner? Could the practitioner answer your questions? Did he respond to you in a way that satisfied you? Does the treatment plan seem reasonable and acceptable to you?

Frequently asked questions on finding a practitioner of alternative or complementary medicine

• I am interested in a CAM therapy that involves treatment from a practitioner. How do I go about finding a practitioner?
• Will insurance cover the cost of a CAM practitioner?
• I have located the names of several practitioners. How do I select one?
• I have selected a practitioner. What questions should I ask at my first visit?
• How do I know if the practitioner I have selected is right for me?
• Can I change my mind about the treatment or the practitioner?
• Can I receive treatment or a referral to a practitioner from NCCAM?
• Can I receive CAM treatment through a clinical trial?

I am interested in a CAM therapy that involves treatment from a practitioner. How do I go about finding a practitioner?

Before selecting a CAM therapy or practitioner, talk with your primary health care provider(s). Tell them about the therapy you are considering and ask any questions you may have. They may know about the therapy and be able to advise you on its safety, use, and effectiveness, or possible interactions with medications. Here are some suggestions for finding a practitioner:

• Ask your doctor or other health professionals whether they have recommendations or are willing to make a referral.
• Contact a nearby hospital or a medical school and ask if they maintain a list of area CAM practitioners or could make a recommendation. Some regional medical centers may have CAM centers or CAM practitioners on staff.
• Ask if your therapy will be covered by insurance; for example, some insurers cover visits to a chiropractor. If the therapy will be covered, ask for a list of CAM practitioners who accept your insurance.
• Contact a professional organization for the type of practitioner you are seeking. Often, professional organizations have standards of practice, provide referrals to practitioners, have publications explaining the therapy (or therapies) that their members provide, and may offer information on the type of training needed and whether practitioners of a therapy must be licensed or certified in your state. Professional organizations can be located by searching the Internet or directories in libraries (ask the librarian). One directory is the Directory of Information Resources Online (DIRLINE) compiled by the National Library of Medicine (dirline.nlm.nih.gov). It contains locations and descriptive information about a variety of health organizations, including CAM associations and organizations. You may find more than one member organization for some CAM professions; this may be because there are different "schools" of practice within the profession or for other reasons.
• Many states have regulatory agencies or licensing boards for certain types of practitioners. They may be able to provide you with information regarding practitioners in your area. Your state, county, or city health department may be able to refer you to such agencies or boards. Licensing, accreditation, and regulatory laws for CAM practices are becoming more common to help ensure that practitioners are competent and provide quality services.

Will insurance cover the cost of a CAM practitioner?

Few CAM therapies are covered by insurance, and the amount of coverage offered varies depending on the insurer. Before agreeing to a treatment that a CAM practitioner suggests, you should check with your insurer to see if they will cover any portion of the therapy's cost. If insurance does cover a portion of the cost, you will want to ask if the practitioner accepts your insurance or participates in your insurer's network. Even with insurance, you may be responsible for a percentage of the cost of therapy.

I have located the names of several practitioners. How do I select one?

Begin by contacting the practitioners on your list and gathering information.

• Ask what training or other qualifications the practitioners have. Ask about their education, additional training, licenses, and certifications. If you have contacted a professional organization, see if the practitioners' qualifications meet the standards for training and licensing for that profession.
• Ask if it is possible to have a brief consultation in person or by phone with the practitioners. This will give you a chance to speak with them directly. The consultation may or may not involve a charge.
• Ask if there are diseases/health conditions in which the practitioners specializes and how frequently they treats patients with problems similar to yours.
• Ask if the practitioners believe the therapy can effectively address your complaint and if there is any scientific research supporting the treatment's use for your condition. (For information on how you can look for scientific information regarding a therapy, see our fact sheet "Are You Considering Using CAM?")
• Ask how many patients the practitioners typically see in a day and how much time they spend with each patient.
• Ask whether there is a brochure or Web site to tell you more about the practice.
• Ask about charges and payment options. How much do treatments cost? If you have insurance, do the practitioners accept your insurance or participate in your insurer's network? Even with insurance, you may be responsible for a percentage of the cost.

• Ask about the hours appointments are offered. How long is the wait for an appointment? Consider whether this will be convenient for your schedule.
• Ask about office location. If you need a building with an elevator or a wheelchair ramp, ask about it.
• Ask what will be involved in the first visit or assessment.
• Observe how comfortable you feel during these first interactions.
• Once you have gathered the information, assess the answers and determine which practitioner was best able to respond to your questions and best suits your needs.

I have selected a practitioner. What questions should I ask at my first visit?

The first visit is very important. Come prepared to answer questions about your health history, such as surgeries, injuries, and major illnesses, as well as prescriptions, vitamins, and other supplements you take. Not only will the practitioner wish to gather information from you, but you will want to ask questions, too. Write down ahead of time the questions you want to ask, or take a family member or friend with you to help you remember the questions and answers. Some people bring a tape recorder to record the appointment. (Ask the practitioner for permission to do this in advance.) Here are some questions you may want to ask:

• What benefits can I expect from this therapy?
• What are the risks associated with this therapy?
• Do the benefits outweigh the risks for my disease or condition?
• What side effects can be expected?
• Will the therapy interfere with any of my daily activities?
• How long will I need to undergo treatment? How often will my progress or plan of treatment be assessed?
• Will I need to buy any equipment or supplies?
• Do you have scientific articles or references about using the treatment for my condition?
• Could the therapy interact with conventional treatments?
• Are there any conditions for which this treatment should not be used?

How do I know if the practitioner I have selected is right for me?

After your first visit with a practitioner, evaluate the visit. Ask yourself:

• Was the practitioner easy to talk to? Did the practitioner make me feel comfortable?
• Was I comfortable asking questions? Did the practitioner appear willing to answer them, and were they answered to my satisfaction?
• Was the practitioner open to how both CAM therapy and conventional medicine might work together for my benefit?
• Did the practitioner get to know me and ask me about my condition?
• Did the practitioner seem knowledgeable about my specific health condition?
• Does the treatment recommended seem reasonable and acceptable to me?
• Was the practitioner clear about the time and costs associated with treatment?

Can I change my mind about the treatment or the practitioner?

Yes, if you are not satisfied or comfortable, you can look for a different practitioner or stop treatment. However, as with any conventional treatment, talk with your practitioner before stopping to make sure that it is safe to simply stop treatment--it may not be advisable to stop some therapies midway through a course of treatment.

Discuss with your practitioner the reasons you are not satisfied or comfortable with treatment. If you decide to stop a therapy or seek another practitioner, make sure that you share this information with any other health care practitioners you may have, as this will help them make decisions about your care. Communicating with your practitioner(s) can be key to ensuring the best possible health care.

Can I receive treatment or a referral to a practitioner from NCCAM?

NCCAM is the Federal Government's lead agency for scientific research on CAM. NCCAM's mission is to explore CAM healing practices in the context of rigorous science, train CAM researchers, and disseminate authoritative information to the public and professionals. NCCAM does not provide CAM therapies or referrals to practitioners.

Can I receive CAM treatment through a clinical trial?

NCCAM supports clinical trials (research studies in people) on CAM therapies. Clinical trials on CAM are taking place in many locations worldwide, and study participants are needed. To find out more about clinical trials on CAM, see the NCCAM fact sheet "About Clinical Trials and CAM." To find trials that are recruiting participants, go to the Web site nccam.nih.gov/clinicaltrials/. You can search this site by the type of therapy being studied or by disease or condition.

Source: National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NIH)

next: Alternative Treatments for Mental Health Conditions

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

ALMOST ALL EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS INDICATE A LACK OF SELF-LOVE!

(Only a few very rare problems caused entirely by physical disease can be excluded...)

DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF?

I'm going to be giving you a lot of examples of how self-love works. Remember as you read this that nobody is self-loving all of the time! If these examples make you realize that you do not love yourself very much today, use them to remind yourself of times when you did feel self-loving, why you could feel that way then, and what you can do today to get back to feeling that way.

Also, since we have varying degrees of self-love at different times, use this information to S-T-R-E-T-C-H yourself to be MORE self-loving today!

USING THE MIRROR

Here is the very best way I know of to determine whether you love yourself: The next time you are looking into a mirror, look DEEP into your own eyes (as if you can see right through to your "self"). Then notice how you feel in your body as you say "I love you."

Is the statement true - or are you lying to yourself....? What Do You See? Self-loving people tend to see themselves as a whole when they look into a mirror. Other people tend to see EITHER their positive characteristics or their negative characteristics (as if that big nose or that beautiful hair or that pimple on the forehead is somehow the whole person).

Self-loving people LIKE what they see overall, despite their flaws. Others tend to like (or dislike) only their appearance - not themselves.

The Sudden Mirror

What is your immediate reaction when you accidentally see your reflection in a storefront window? I don't care if you think the person is good looking or not. What I care about is this: If you met this person on the street, would you LIKE them?

THE BASIC PRINCIPLES OF SELF-LOVE

"Who We Are Is More Important That What We Do."

"We Are Valuable. Nothing Can Ever Change That."

"What We Want Always Matters."

IN RELATIONSHIPS

Since Self-Loving People Tend To Treat Themselves Well...

• They see fun and enjoyment as a primary goal most of the time (even when it is hard to attain).
• They do not tolerate mistreatment by others.
• They are caring toward others. (It feels better to be that way.....)
• They never put anyone else "first" (Others are always "a close second.")

ABOUT MISTAKES

Self-loving people know that they often make mistakes! Since they live their lives for the joy they can find, they do a lot of experimenting and try many new things. Since they aren't dumb (or self-destructive), these experiments work out well most of the time - but sometimes they do go wrong. When this happens, self-loving people are NOT surprised! They simply apologize if necessary, fix anything that can be fixed, and move on..... Self-Loving People Are Responsible, Not Guilty. Self-Loving People Don't Make Many Excuses - Especially To Themselves.

GOD, THE COSMOS, OR WHATEVER...!

Children are born with a deep sense of their own "OK-ness." They know at birth that they are loved by God or are "accepted by the cosmos". Most of us lose this wonderful sense of peace and self-acceptance somewhere along the line. WE NEED TO RE-EXPERIENCE THE SENSE OF WELL-BEING WE HAD WHEN WE WERE BORN.

From a psychological point of view it doesn't matter at all whether we re-experience this through some organized religion, some new-age philosophy, an experience with "the white light," or whatever. What matters is that we keep pursuing this sense of well-being until we find it!

ONCE WE KNOW THAT WE ARE "OK" IN THIS DEEP SENSE, WE AUTOMATICALLY KNOW THESE OTHER VITALLY IMPORTANT THINGS:

• That We Are LOVABLE.
• That We DESERVE To Be Treated Well.
• That It Is Unnatural To Refuse To TAKE LOVE.
• That It is Unnatural To Refuse To GIVE LOVE.
• That Self-Love Does NOT Depend On What We DO.
• That Love Is A GIFT, Not Something We Earn.
• That Self-Hate Is Always An ILLUSION.
• We also know, of course, that God's Standards Are Extremely Low!

next: About Change