Narcissists and Violence

Question:

What makes a narcissist tick?

Answer:

If a person has been diagnosed with the Narcissistic Personality Disorder,therapy, in most cases, can only mitigate and ameliorate his condition, but not cure it.

Only narcissists, who go through a severe life crisis, tend to consider the possibility of therapy at all. When they attend the therapeutic sessions, they, usually, bring all their rigid defence mechanisms to the fore. The therapy quickly becomes a tedious - and useless - affair for both therapist and patient.

Most cerebral narcissists are very intelligent. They base their grandiose fantasies on these natural advantages. When faced with a reasoned analysis, which shows that they suffer from NPD - most of them accept and acknowledge the new information. But first they have to face it - and this is the difficult part:they all are deniers of reality.

Moreover, cognitively assimilating the information is a mere process of labelling. It has no psychodynamic effect. It does not affect the narcissist's behaviour patterns and interactions with his human environment. These are the products of veteran and rigid mental mechanisms.

Narcissists are PATHOLOGICAL liars. This means that they are either unaware of their lies - or feel completely justified and at ease in lying to others. Often, they believe their own lies and attain "retroactive veracity". Their very essence is a huge, contrived, lie: the FALSE Self, the grandiose FANTASIES, and the IDEALISED objects.

Personality disorders are ADAPTATIVE. This means that they help to resolve mental conflicts and the anxiety, which, normally, accompanies them.

Narcissists sometimes contemplate suicide (suicidal ideation) when they go through a crisis - but they are not very likely to go beyond the contemplation phase.

Narcissists are, in a way, sadists. They are likely to use verbal and psychological abuse and violence against those closest to them. Some of them move from abstract aggression (the emotion leading to violence and permeating it) to the physically concrete sphere of violence. However, I have seen no research which proves that they are more prone to do so than any other group in the general population.

The NPD is a newcomer to the zoo of mental disorders. It was not fully defined until the late 80s. The discussion, analysis and study of narcissism are as old as psychology - but there is a great difference between being a "mere" narcissist and having a NPD. So, no one has a clue as to how widespread this particular personality disorder is - or, even, how widespread personality disorders are (estimates range between 3 and 15% of the population. I think 5-7% would be a fair estimate).


 

next: Grandiose Fantasies - FAQ #3

APA Reference
Vaknin, S. (2008, November 7). Narcissists and Violence, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissists-and-violence

Last Updated: July 3, 2018

Attitude

Thoughtful quotes about attitude.

Words of Wisdom

attitude

"Where there is an open mind, there will always be a frontier." (Charles Kettering)

"An optimist expects his dreams to come true; a pessimist expects his nightmares to." (Lawrence J. Peter.)

"Our life is what our thoughts make it." (Marcus Aurelius)

"As ye think, so shall ye be." (Jesus Christ)

"What we think, we become." (Buddha)

"We can destroy ourselves by cynicism and delusion, just as effectively as bombs." (Kenneth Clark)

"Change your thoughts and you change your world." (Norman Vincent Peale)

"Your life is what your thoughts make of it." (Marcus Aurelius Antoninus)

"Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it." (Ernest Holmes)l

"Think in terms of poverty and you will live in poverty." (Napoleon Hill)

"Things are only worth what you make them worth." (Moliere)

"The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind." (William James)

"Either I will find a way, or I will make one." (Philip Sidney)

"Everyone constructs their own bed of nails." (D. Sutten)

"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." (Dennis P. Kimbro)


continue story below

next:Authenticity

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 6). Attitude, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/sageplace/attitude

Last Updated: July 18, 2014

Getting Enough Attention

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

"HE'S ONLY DOING IT FOR THE ATTENTION"

What a ridiculous statement! Getting attention is VITAL for all of us. As infants we would actually DIE if we didn't get enough attention, and as adults we are miserable and can actually go crazy if we are ignored for too long.

So when someone says "He's only doing it for the attention," they might as well be saying: "He's only doing for the food and the air!"

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE ATTENTION WE GET

We all automatically work hard to get attention, whether we call it that or not. Unfortunately, however, our THINKING about getting attention tends to be pretty passive.

We say things like: "He doesn't give me enough attention" and "Why don't my friends call me more often?" and "If she cared about me she'd ask me about my day."

What other people do to give you attention is far less important than what you do to GET it.

FOUR KINDS OF ATTENTION:

POSITIVE Attention for What We DO "I like how you did that?" "You look pretty!" "That was brilliant!"

NEGATIVE Attention for What We DO "I don't like how you did that?" "You look bad today!" "That was dumb!"

POSITIVE Attention Just For BEING "You're Neat!" "You are special to me!" "I love you!"

NEGATIVE Attention Just For BEING "You're crazy!" "You are worthless!" "I hate you!"

GET AND USE The First Three Kinds Of Attention

ALWAYS THROW AWAY The Last Kind Of Attention


 


HOW TO GET AND USE POSITIVE ATTENTION FOR WHAT WE DO

Most of us are pretty good at GETTING this kind of attention. We simply notice what other people want and try to give it to them. But many of us don't USE this kind of attention well. Instead of taking a few seconds to absorb and feel good about the attention we get, we just forge ahead doing more and more as if we are in some kind of a race.

The attention you get today will be gone tomorrow! Don't "gather" it! Take the time to ENJOY it immediately!

HOW TO GET AND USE NEGATIVE ATTENTION FOR WHAT WE DO

Since we all make mistakes and need to learn from our mistakes, we all need to get enough negative attention for what we do.

Being told about a mistake feels at least a little bad at the moment. But the key word is "moment." If you have plenty of sources for positive attention in your life, having a mistake pointed out to you doesn't feel very bad for very long at all. (So... if you find that you feel terrible when someone points out a mistake, ask yourself if you GET and ABSORB enough positive attention in your life from ALL sources.)

USE negative attention to learn how you can improve your life!

HOW TO GET AND USE POSITIVE ATTENTION JUST FOR BEING

  1. Choose Friends Who Are Good At Giving It.
  2. Know You Want It.
  3. Go For It.
  4. Take The Time To Absorb It.

"I Do Everything I'm Supposed To Do For Him, But I Still Don't Feel He Loves Me." A person who says this doesn't do any of the last three things listed above. She doesn't know that she wants attention "just for BEING" (she tries to get it for what she DOES instead). She thinks she is "going for it" by DOING (but she's actually running from it while working so hard). And she doesn't take the time to ABSORB any love that he does have for her.

ABOUT THROWING AWAY NEGATIVE ATTENTION JUST FOR BEING

If you have people in your life who treat you in these ways, get away from them! And know that they are ALWAYS wrong! Anyone Who Has EVER Said Or Implied That You Are Not Valuable Is SIMPLY WRONG!

next: What Helps?

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 6). Getting Enough Attention, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/getting-enough-attention

Last Updated: March 30, 2016

Boundaries

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

WHAT THEY ARE

The concept of "boundaries" relates to our sense of self. At birth and for a long while after, a baby has no real sense of who they are. When we see a baby in their mother's arms, we see two people - the child and the mother. But the baby notices no difference, no division, no boundary between themselves and their mother.

A newborn is "one" with their mother. As life goes on, the child notices where their skin ends and their mother's skin begins. This is our first "boundary," and the beginning of our "sense of self."

When our boundaries are crossed we are naturally furious at the invasion because we know we could lose our sense of who we are.

WHAT GOES WRONG

Obviously, if a mother doesn't hold her child enough and is unable to bond with them, boundary problems and problems related to sense of self will abound. But things can go wrong in later childhood and in adult life too. When they do, it is usually either because someone treats us like they "own" us or, paradoxically, like they "disown" us.

Being "Owned"

The worst example of being owned is physical or sexual abuse. People who treat us in these ways are insisting that they own our very bodies. We can also lose our sense of self in less severe but more constant ways. Some people never hear anything from their parents or partners except orders and complaints. "Do this!" "Do that!" "You didn't do that well enough!" Constant exposure to such treatment can shatter their boundaries and their sense of self.

Being "Disowned"

Paradoxically, being treated like we are not there can also cause boundary and self problems. Beware of anyone who is so preoccupied with their own ego and their own life that you sometimes wonder if they even know you are there. This can kill your sense of self too.


 


ABOUT FEELING CONNECTED

The saddest thing about boundary problems is that the people who have them can feel "too close" (afraid they'll lose themselves), and "too far" (very lonely), but they can seldom feel safely in between or "connected" with others.

THE DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD OF BOUNDARY PROBLEMS

People whose boundaries are weak also tend to violate the boundaries of others. If you don't know that you have boundaries that must be respected, then you also don't know that other people have boundaries you must respect.

THE WAY OUT

First of all, people with these problems should get therapy. This is too difficult for you to do completely on your own.

THERAPY CAN SUPPORT YOU WHILE YOU LEARN WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOURSELF:

  1. Learn to identify even the most subtle ways you violate the boundaries of others. Become excellent at noticing when people "back away," emotionally and physically. When they do, you can be pretty sure you have just crossed their boundaries.

  2. Once you become accustomed to noticing the boundaries of others, begin to notice that you have many of the same boundaries yourself!

  3. Learn how to object whenever any of your boundaries are crossed, even in the smallest ways and even by people with the kindest intentions.

  4. Test various ways to of telling people when they cross your boundaries. Allow yourself to make mistakes while you learn (by sounding either too angry or too nice). Experiment. Notice what works and what doesn't.

  5. With close friends who might understand, you might even tell them that you are learning about protecting yourself (so they can understand why you are acting differently toward them).

  6. Keep reminding yourself: "People need my permission before they cross my boundaries!"

  7. Remind yourself also: "Nobody should ever help me unless I ask them to!"

If people have constantly crossed your boundaries, it may seem unfair to say that you have to stop crossing their boundaries first. It is! But if you've been taking such treatment for many years the sad truth is you may not even know what boundaries you are entitled to have!

The best way to learn this is to focus on the boundaries of the people around you. As you catch yourself violating the boundaries of others, don't pick on yourself. Remember, you are just now beginning to learn about all of this.

next: Getting Enough Attention

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 6). Boundaries, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/boundaries

Last Updated: April 27, 2016

Yoga for Depression

Yoga is an alternative treatment for depression. Find out about yoga for depression and how yoga can be an effective depression treatment.

Yoga is an alternative treatment for depression. Find out about yoga for depression and how yoga can be an effective depression treatment.

What is Yoga for Depression?

Yoga is based on Hindu religious practices. It includes exercises that aim to give greater control of the body and mind and to increase wellbeing.

How does Yoga for Depression work?

Yoga exercises are often used to reduce stress and anxiety. Since stress and anxiety can lead to depression, these exercises might be useful for depression as well.

Is Yoga for Depression effective?

Two studies have looked at the effects of yoga breathing exercises on depression. These breathing exercises were practiced every day for several weeks. One study showed that breathing exercises produced faster improvement than no treatment. The other study found that breathing exercises were as effective as an antidepressant drug for patients who were severely depressed, but less effective than electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). However, this study did not compare the breathing exercises to placebo (dummy) treatment.

In another study, those participating in three courses of 20 yoga classes each, showed significant reductions for depression, anger, anxiety, neurotic symptoms. Moods improved from before to after the yoga classes. Study authors commented that "yoga appears to be a promising intervention for depression; it is cost-effective and easy to implement. It produces many beneficial emotional, psychological and biological effects, as supported by observations in this study."


 


Are there any disadvantages?

None are known.

Where do you get it?

Yoga teachers are listed in the Yellow Pages.

Recommendation

Yoga breathing exercises look promising as a treatment for depression, but require further evaluation. Other yoga practices have yet to be studied scientifically.

Key references

Janakiramaiah N, Gangadhar BN, Naga Venkatesha Murthy PJ, Harish MG, Subbakrishna DK, Vedamurthachar A. Antidepressant efficacy of Sudarshan Kriya Yoga (SKY) in melancholia: a randomized comparison with electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) and imipramine. Journal of Affective Disorders 2000; 57: 255-259.

Khumar SS, Kaur P, Kaur S. Effectiveness of shavasana on depression among university students. Indian Journal of Clinical Psychology 1993; 20: 82-87.

David Shapiro , Ian A. Cook , Dmitry M. Davydov , Cristina Ottaviani , Andrew F. Leuchter , and Michelle Abrams. Yoga as a Complementary Treatment of Depression: Effects of Traits and Moods on Treatment Outcome, eCAM Advance Access published on February 28, 2007, DOI 10.1093/ecam/nel114.

back to: Alternative Treatments for Depression

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 6). Yoga for Depression, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/depression-alternative/yoga-for-depression

Last Updated: July 11, 2016

Exercise and Other Natural Ways to Fight Depression

Learn how exercise helps relieve depression plus 5 natural ways to fight your depression.

Exercise PLUS 5 natural ways to fight your depression.

In mid-August in Lowell, Massachusetts, orange marigolds pop up from postage-stamp yards, many of which are protected by stone Madonnas. I know this because 22 years ago, as my twin sister lay dying in a hospital not far away, I ran on those sidewalks, my feet pounding into the grief I felt was everywhere. My husband ran beside me, and together we watched Lowell wake up, passing pajamaed boys sitting on porch steps licking the jelly off their toast.

On August 13, 1981, my sister, Deane, a psychologist, was shot in the head by one of her patients, a paranoid schizophrenic who apparently feared what she—and the other doctor he killed outright—could reveal. That day Deane had planned to board a plane to Knoxville, Tennessee, for a ten-day visit with me. Instead, she would spend those days unconscious, her brain no longer active, her heart readying itself to stop.

The first morning after our arrival in Lowell, my husband Dan and I returned with my parents and brother to the hospital,journeying into what we had learned the night before was to be a vigil over my sister's death. We were told simply, "She will not live," a sentence that became etched on my parents' cracked faces, a sentence the doctor would repeat more graphically later and for which we would hate him. What we gleaned from him was plain: Deane had only a few days left to live.

We sat for hours in a room the nurses had set aside for us. There we met Deane's friends and took phone calls and read the cards that came with flowers. When we left at night, we went to dinner—sort of—and slept, or tried to, in our motel rooms.

For terror was doing a number on me, leaving me sleepless and without appetite. At times, I wondered who had died: Deane or me. On earth we had shared souls, and now I could only wonder if I were soulless, my heart floating with her's in some universe I couldn't see. I grieved for her severed life and my long one without her.


 


Running to Cope with Panic and Sadness

But, every day, I would swing my legs out of bed and lace up my running shoes. It wasn't clear to me at the time, but now it seems as if running was my weapon to outstrip the terror. Running let me slap that energy to the ground, releasing me for a time from panic and horror. I remember pushing myself to the limit, lungs bursting, as if ahead were a person I was trying to catch and subdue. I felt each thud on the earth offer me power.

I didn't understand how it worked, but somehow after my run each day, as I headed with my family to see Deane, I felt for an hour or so that perhaps I could do this, perhaps I could ease my sister into another world.

My sister's death, however, was not my first experience with overwhelming sadness—or with exercise as an antidote. As far back as my late teens, I had suffered from the more generic depression that winds through my family—from my alcoholic grandfather to my mother, who began drinking after my sister's death. Then, as now, I seized on exercise to ward off not only immediate despair but the knowledge that my genes could get me, too.

On bleak New York days, I ran in circles around the Barnard College indoor track. Later, as a college teacher with stage fright, I used running to blow the acid off a day with smart-aleck students, diminish the sense of failure I felt, or simply relieve the pressure of the next day's preparations.

I can still picture the Tennessee creeks and the staring cows I passed on those therapeutic runs. I learned over time that that's when I could solve problems and shed the day's harness. I was free of cares, and when I got back home, somehow the worries I'd left the house with had become, if not puny, at least manageable.

Learn how exercise helps relieve depression plus 5 natural ways to fight your depression.Exercise Relieves Stress and Depression

It turns out such resilience isn't just happenstance. Researchers have known for years that exercise relieves stress—and increasingly they've discovered it can relieve depression as well. In fact, some experts think it may be as effective as drugs, minus their side effects. "Exercise has some benefits that medications don't," says psychologist Andrea L. Dunn, vice president for behavioral science research at the Cooper Institute in Dallas, Texas. "It strengthens the heart and lungs. And it helps regulate appetite and sleep, both of which can be a problem for people who are depressed."

James Gordon, founder and director of the Center for Mind-Body Medicine in Washington, D.C., has been treating depression with exercise and other nondrug approaches for 30 years—with great success. "I used to run a ward in a mental hospital, and the patients would sit around smoking, in a terrible mood," he says. "But when I got people playing touch football and basketball, their moods improved. It was just common sense to me. Human beings are meant to move. It gives people a sense of control, releases anxiety, and creates discipline."

That's particularly important for people who suffer from the kind of depression that isn't associated with grief or some actual event. Poor sense of self, irrational guilt and remorse: These are the core symptoms of depression, says Michael Babyak, assistant clinical professor of behavioral psychiatry at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina. Battling them is like boxing at shadows. "Depressed people have trouble giving themselves credit for anything," says Babyak. "But following an exercise program produces a sense of mastery and achievement."


And Babyak's proved his point. In a study he conducted at Duke, 156 depressed patients were given one of three treatments: aerobic exercise, medication, or a combination of the two. At the end of four months, all three groups showed a significant reduction in depression. But after ten months, the exercise-only group's spirits were clearly the highest of the three groups. "And among all the patients," says Babyak, "those who engaged in exercise during the follow-up period tended to do best."

Researchers don't really know how exercise works its magic, though they're closing in on some answers. Most agree that the physiological changes brought on by working out—in both aerobic exercise and strength training—likely affect mood.

Animal studies, for instance, show that exercise increases the production of serotonin, the mood-regulating neurotransmitter targeted by Prozac and other antidepressants. And a recent British study suggests that a natural stimulant produced by our bodies, phenylethylamine, or PEA, may be responsible for the euphoria that runners sometimes report. In a study of 20 young men whose PEA levels were measured both before and after working out on a treadmill, all but two had elevated PEA post-exercise. (Endorphins, the body's natural painkillers that were long touted as the juice behind "runner's high," may still be involved, but are no longer thought to be key mood-elevating triggers.)

Clearly, there are psychological factors at work as well. My own experience suggests that exercise can help hold an embattled psyche together. In the year after my sister's death, I headed each morning to a two-hour aerobics class, where in a group of 30 women I jumped and stretched and sometimes wept. I knew no one in the class, and I told no one that I had lost my twin sister. And yet the class and the women in it gave me a social toehold. Outside that room, I felt set apart by death and sadness. But inside, I was the same as anyone else. And the class gave me someplace to go. The June before my sister died, I'd received a writing grant, and I had been happy to leave teaching. But now the solitude and introspection that accompany writing were too painful.


 


Babyak isn't at all surprised by this palliative effect of exercise. "Getting involved in some kind of community setting provides social structure and support," he says, "something to look forward to." Certainly in the years since my sister's death, exercise has given me a kind of social life I find liberating and pleasantly distracting, yet refreshingly free of obligation.

Researchers haven't established what intensity and frequency of exercise is most helpful for alleviating depression. (Dunn and her colleagues have just completed the first study on this subject but can't yet discuss results under review.) Most experts believe that even 30 minutes of moderate exercise three times a week boosts mood.

I'm happier with hour-long workouts five or six days a week. But some studies suggest there may be a point at which exercise becomes counterproductive. For example, competitive swimmers who practice for three or four hours at a stretch begin to show signs of depression.

I'm in no danger of that excess. But this past fall, as I entered the low-light season when my depression is always worst, I decided to resume running local races—an activity I've done sporadically over the years. At one race in late October, I found myself surrounded by families in Halloween costumes. Two men were dressed as Nike sneakers. One family dressed as identical clowns. A minister gave an invocation comparing us to flying geese, a quirky yet uplifting metaphor, and we all sang the national anthem.

The three-mile run, much of it uphill, felt hard. But when I finished, I realized yet again that the feeling of peace and calm I had at that moment was the reason I run. I picked up a bottle of water and walked through the crowd talking to people I knew. I sat on the bleachers and watched as even 80-year-old men stepped up to receive their prizes.

Everyone around me seemed happy. No one had a cell phone out, and no one seemed in a hurry to leave. I picked up a flier for the next race and knew I would enter it. For, as my 17-year-old son once told me to remember, "Stress ain't my address."

5 Natural Ways to Fight Depression

No one suffering from depression should attempt to manage it alone. Counsel from a practitioner is crucial to understanding the particular nature of your depression and which options might work best for you. Often an approach involving several therapies may be helpful. Below are a few treatments to consider.


Meditation

This relaxation technique, which has been practiced for thousands of years in the Far East, involves sitting quietly and allowing your body and mind to relax by focusing attention on a word, on your breathing, or simply on the present moment. Researchers have found that meditation works by lowering levels of stress hormones and lactic acid and by slowing the heart and breathing rates. A 2001 study at Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia found that patients who meditated 20 minutes every day for eight weeks substantially reduced their depression, anxiety, and some of the physical ailments associated with their condition, such as insomnia and fatigue.

Getting Started: Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit. Close your eyes and focus on a word or an image, take deep breaths, and relax your muscles. When your mind wanders, return to your focus. Do this for 10 to 20 minutes twice a day. Classes in meditation are often offered at community or yoga centers. Books, audiotapes, and videotapes on meditation are widely available as well.

Nutrition Therapy

Anyone who's felt grumpy right before lunch knows how much nutrition can affect mood. And in fact many practitioners believe that nutrition can play a key role in addressing depression.

Diets low in carbohydrates, for instance, lower the brain chemicals tryptophan and serotonin, both of which are known to affect mood. Low levels of B vitamins, which nourish the nervous system, may contribute to the blues as well—as can too little calcium, iron, magnesium, selenium, or zinc.

Getting Started: Consult a nutritionist or a naturopath before making any drastic changes in your diet. For more information, contact the Center for Mind-Body Medicine, 202.966.7338; www.cmbm.org.


 


Herbal Remedies

The most prominent of these is Saint-John's-wort, an herb used for centuries to treat mild to moderate depression. Experts believe it works by preventing nerve cells in the brain from reabsorbing serotonin, the neurotransmitter targeted by antidepressants. Saint-John's-wort is sold in capsule, tea, and extract form.

Last year, a major National Institutes of Health study found no difference in effectiveness between Saint-John's-wort, an antidepressant, and a placebo, but many researchers believe the study design was seriously flawed. More positive is a 2002 review of 34 studies involving 3,000 patients. In those, 500 to 1,000 milligrams a day of the herb appeared to be as helpful as prescription antidepressants in treating mild to moderate depression.

Another option is S-adenosylmethionine, or SAMe, a cellular substance that boosts serotonin levels. Several small studies suggest its effectiveness, but it's extremely expensive—up to $20 a day compared to $6 a month for Saint-John's-wort.
Getting Started: A typical dose of Saint- John's-wort is 300 mg three times a day.

Acupuncture

Researchers believe this ancient Chinese therapy stimulates the central nervous system to release chemicals such as endorphins, serotonin, and norepinephrine, which likely lift depression. Although research on acupuncture and depression is scant, in a 1998 University of Arizona study of 11 depressed women, more than half improved significantly when treated with the needle therapy.
Getting Started: Treatment is appropriate for mild depression only and usually requires a half-hour to hour treatment one to three times a week. To find an acupuncturist, contact the American Academy of Oriental Medicine, 888.500.7999; www.aaom.org.

Cognitive Therapy and Hypnosis

Cognitive therapy involves working with a psychotherapist to eliminate negative thought processes and attitudes. In the last 30 years, 325 studies have found cognitive therapy effective in treating a range of mental ailments, including depression and anxiety.

Hypnosis is often used as an adjunct to this therapy. Proponents believe that it helps patients refocus thoughts and perceptions by accessing the part of the brain that controls concentration. In one 2002 British study of 21 patients, four to six weeks of training in self-hypnosis improved mood and reduced depression and anxiety.

Getting Started: To find a psychotherapist who uses this combined approach, contact the American Society for Clinical Hypnosis at 630.980.4740; www.asch.net.

Source: Alternative Medicine

next: Nutritional Therapy for Depression

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 6). Exercise and Other Natural Ways to Fight Depression, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/depression-alternative/exercise-and-other-natural-ways-to-fight-depression

Last Updated: July 11, 2016

The Trash-Programs

Chapter 13

The concise slang used by young adults often includes the vivid description of the common low level of life quality as being "in the trash". This low level of the quality of life is the rule for most people in the modern and rich countries of the "first world" most of the time-regardless of social status or economic resources. For each one who is briefly "out of the trash" there are many more who are almost never clear of it.

Many of my trainees and I have recently become part of the minority which form the "exception that proves the rule". The "trash" simile adequately describes what each of us experienced before encountering the "General Sensate Focus" technique.

In commemoration of those bad days and in order to indicate the culprit, the programs one works on to improve the quality of life are nicknamed trash- programs. Actually, this nickname is not only used throughout the text of this book, but also as a regular concept in the work with trainees. We even use it regularly in our individual daily life when conversing with others familiar with its meaning.

There are about six main "families" of those "trash-programs". Sometimes, a subprogram or even a whole program can be allocated to more than one of the following groups or families as they are not mutually exclusive:

    1. The most prominent family consists of programs which are responsible for prolonged pressure, distress, depression, tension, stomach pains, heart discomfort, low back pains, etc.
    2. The second family consists of programs responsible for the relatively short and acute emotional feelings and sensations such as: anxiety attacks, rage attacks (accompanied by the will to hurt the offender), sporadic guilt feelings, shame, weeping, etc.
    3. The third family consists of those programs that prevent the experience and/or communication of the felt emotions, sensations, moods, passions, etc. or at least attenuate their intensity. A few members of this family are indiscriminate and affect all levels and qualities of the emotions. The others are a bit more discriminate and have a more selective effect on the various aspects and expression of emotion.

continue story below


  1. The fourth family is the most destructive. Its members prevent us from executing essential behavioral patterns, or restrain us from executing actions we have already decided on, even when we know that they are vital to our well-being. The affects of these programs are usually felt as "internal resistance", inhibitions, lack of will power, personality factors and characteristics, etc. These programs delay, postpone, hinder, or even prevent the beginning of the execution of programs and plans. Sometimes, in addition or instead of the above, they "just" sabotage their progress.
  2. The fifth family consists of programs doing the opposite with nearly the same damaging effects or even more. They execute prematurely behaviors we have already decided to delay, postpone, or even wish to prevent. They prevent us from the timely aborting of behavior and other actions found faulty during their execution. Programs of this family can "take us for a ride" that could be prolonged for life, or shorten our lives to suit their length.
  3. The sixth family is the biggest of all. It consists mostly of emotional supra-programs that cause erroneous evaluations of circumstances and resources.

The programs of this group are of three main kinds:

  1. programs that introduce errors that are relevant for one of the basic emotions.
  2. programs that cause errors in certain circumstances that are relevant to mixtures of basic emotions.
  3. programs that are responsible for widespread distortions in the emotional testing of reality.

Why are programs trashy?

a) First and foremost is the huge number of programs, chunks of information and other impressions stored in our memory which we have to deal with:

  • We have a substantial number of innate programs that are hard to mold into more advanced and divergent forms.
  • We have a nearly infinite number of memory traces of the activities of ad hoc programs registered which we have to refer to when relevant problems are encountered.
  • We have a rich environment which changes constantly. This brings us face to face with new opportunities and dangers and force us to build and maintain a multitude of additional programs, most of them not executed in real life even once.

b) Second, in order but not in importance, is the limited capacity of our brain and mind processes responsible for the updating, mending, accommodating and adapting of the supra-programs of the mind.

c) The third reason is the built-in strategy of the brain and mind system when confronted with the "impossible mission" of managing real life. Because of these limits, most of the adaptation processes are initiated by it only when ad hoc programs are built, whether for internal use or for actual behavior.

(If the system tried to update, mend, accommodate and adapt all programs stored in memory, we would be stuck with those of the first months of life!!!)


d) As we have built by ourselves, copied from others and been given abundant examples of programs which were trashy to begin with (as they were built of far-from-perfect components), even the complete adaptation of one program seems to be impossible.

e) People around us are usually interested in what we are doing and feeling. It started even before birth and will usually continue, even after our death. Part of them built in us programs on purpose - for their good, or for ours, because of cultural demands and because of their own various trash-programs. In many cases their effect on our programs was just accidental or even randomly.

f) One of the most important factors which contribute to the trashiness of our programs - the more emotional and the less emotional ones are the cover-programs. For many reasons, these programs prevent or limit the involvement of the awareness in many programs, contents and felt sensations of the body. When access to the awareness and its attentional resources is limited, the application of the amendment processes to the trash-program is also limited and the level of their trashiness remains high.

g) We nearly always neglect the only opportunity we have to make things a bit more bearable due to laziness, prejudice and ignorance, i.e. we do not "listen" to the "begging" of the control routines of the active ad hoc programs, which request the addition of attentional resources, even when submitted as clearly felt sensations.

Common roots of trash-programs

The following are a few of the most prevalent "replicas" or contents of messages of socialization agents. They were surely recited to you many times. Even if you cannot recall the fact and even if you missed a few, they are very good material for self-provocation intended to summon felt sensations for focusing purposes (recycling emotion G in chapter 5).


continue story below


  1. Do not feel emotion X!!! (Here and in the other items, synonyms and "relatives" of the word "emotion" are applied too.)
  2. Why do you not feel emotion Y?
  3. In situation X you should feel emotion Y and not emotion Z.
  4. In situation X substitute emotion Y for that of Z.
  5. Change emotion X with the substance Y (food, drug, beverage, etc.).
  6. After emotion X comes/ must come the emotion Y.
  7. Emotion X is not proper for one who is male/female, and whose age is Y and his social status is Z.
  8. Refrain from too high/ low intensity of the emotion X in situation Y in the presence of Z.
  9. It is better not to execute behavior X or express Y in situation Z.
  10. If you do X you should/ would feel Y instead of Z.
  11. Refrain from behavior which cause a discernible measure of emotion X.
  12. In situation Y change the emotion X into its opposite.
  13. Instead of doing X, feel Y.
  14. Instead of feeling X, do Y.
  15. See what emotion X you are causing me.
  16. Do not be/ behave like a baby.
  17. Do/ stop doing X which results or intends to cause emotion Y to Z otherwise...

Activation programs, ad hoc programs, supra-programs, emotional programs, cover-programs and trash-programs.

It seems that the relation between the primary emotional programs of the mind and brain system, and the supra-programs are like those of democratic parents and their young offspring. Most of the time, such parents let the children decide for themselves autonomously, though only within their protected environments (demarcated by the cover-programs).

Meanwhile, they wait in the background to help or assist in emergency situations, and all the time they murmur to themselves and those around them remarks, and comments, compliments and criticism (the low intensity sensations of the body that are always felt by us).

The survival of the innate programs, and the dynamic interactions and combinations between them and the supra-programs of adults, express the little importance nature gives to our learning abilities and reasoning faculties.

In the usual course of life, the less emotional supra-programs are active in the foreground, while just behind them - at the margins of awareness act the more emotional ones and in the far background "lurk" the always active primary innate emotional programs - as if according to "the rules" and "orders" of "natural selection".

The contemporary state of affairs is like a verdict which says that "similar to other animals of a high developmental status, the members of the human species are primarily emotional beings". It seems that man functions better as Homo-Emotionalis than as Homo-Sapiens. Nature still prefers to rely heavily on the Limbic System (the older part of the brain) rather than on the Cortex (the outer layer of the brain which is a relatively newcomer) - and more so in an emergency.


Even in adult human beings, whose cortex and logical thinking is developed to the utmost, "nature" has reservations. It does not give man's rational processes of reasoning absolute control, even for a moment. Even with adults, the "new" parts of the brain, the conscious thinking and the emotional supra-programs function only as supplements to the innate primary emotional programs and not as substitutes.

However, when no emergency provokes the primary emotional programs, the emotional supra-programs seem to have nearly sole responsibility. Only when we take this into consideration, can we understand how the most sane and intelligent persons may be aware of an activity of theirs, that contradicts both logic and self perseverance, and still continue with it.

Only when taking this into consideration can we understand how people can consciously observe without intervention, or even initiate, behavior that defies logic and may endanger their health. It is most conspicuous when human behavior entirely contradicts the survival prospects of both the individual and his nexus.

Reckless driving, volunteering for dangerous sporting missions, introducing harmful materials into the body like drugs and junk food, refusing to take urgently needed medicine when ill or even to see a doctor - are only the most common and most obvious of the trashy activities of defective supra- programs.

Usually, behavior that defies logic and endangers survival will be enacted when there is a contradiction between short-term and long-term-considerations. The logical considerations and life experience which use the supra-programs to influence the primary programs of basic emotions are often not strong enough, when the innate ones pull in the opposite direction because very short-term- considerations. The many failures of logic to influence the behavior of individuals, groups and even nations emphasizes the fact that "human nature" is still Homo-Emotionalis and not Homo-Sapiens.


continue story below


Constantly, programs of various levels of "trashiness", manage our life. Constantly, the control routines of the ongoing ad hoc programs try to recruit more mental resources in order to adjust to the demands of the present. Constantly we do not give enough attention to the felt sensations of the body, which are mostly notices from these programs, as if to keep the level of trashiness from descending too low. Luckily, we pay scant attention to these demands - and thus prevent life from sinking too deep into the garbage pile.

There are various ways one can treat or relate to the trash-programs that create or are responsible for unpleasant feelings. These measures and points of view are also applicable to the programs that push us to behave in contradiction to what our reason and the supra-programs which are not so faulty try to tell us.

The most common views are those of the defeatists. They regard the mission of improvement as almost impossible. Each encounter with a faulty activity of a program leaves them feeling helpless. Eventually, the recurrent feelings of helplessness are established as a trait.

The less common - though it is the most simple - is the stubborn approach. This way of looking at the problem is common to the innovators, the adventuress, the rebels and the author of this book. In essence it says: "do not yield". It conveys the stubborn decision that it is worth trying to change the whole world and especially the emotional supra-programs of the trash type, in order to make life a pleasant voyage on earth - while life and earth last.

next: How it Really Works

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 6). The Trash-Programs, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/sensate-focusing/the-trash-programs

Last Updated: July 22, 2014

Making Relationships Work: Personally and Professionally

Relationships specialist, Larry James started selling when he was 10 year old. He's been a student of business networking ever since. He has build his speaking and publishing businesses on the concept of creating close personal and professional relationships through networking and has been called, "America's Networking Guru!"

Making Relationships Work: Personally and ProfessionallyLarry's popular seminar, "Making Relationships Work; Personally and Professionally" is especially for businesses and networking professionals. It is adapted from Larry's first book, "The FirstBook of LifeSkills" and two of his relationship books, "How to Really Love the One You're With" and "Love Notes For Lovers."

Exploring the differences between men and women will always be a challenge. Larry is on staff with Dr. John Gray, Ph.D., author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." His experience with Dr. Gray, in the workplace, in his personal life and with the people who attend his "Relationship Enrichment Love Shops" have given him valuable insights about how to make relationships work!

This seminar focuses on the keys to effective relationships in your personal life and with business associates. It begins with understanding the five most important pieces of the personal relationship puzzle. To know them is to develop and maintain healthy relationships. You will explore the relationship you have with yourself, with your lifetime love partner and the people you make connections with in your business.

A commitment to a lifetime study of relationships is a requirement. Why? Because relationships are all there is! This seminar (or keynote) is designed to help people fit the pieces of the relationship puzzle together in a healthy way and will highlight creative ways to do that through personal insights and effective business networking!

People who cultivate effective relationships are not afraid to do things differently! They do things that other people are not willing to do! They have integrity, commitment and exercise their power of choice! In addition to creating healthy love relationships, Larry will present "The 10 Commitments of Networking;" commitments necessary to cultivate successful business relationships!

Networking is. . . using your creative talents to help others achieve their goals as you cultivate a network of people strategically positioned to support you in your goals. . . expecting nothing in return! ~ Larry James


continue story below


The Premise. . . Personal and professional relationships are something that must be worked on all the time, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed!

The 10 Commitments of Networking. . .

Blueprint Your Life Tips on discovering your purpose and setting attainable goals!

Accept Responsibility ~ Tips on being accountable to yourself for the choices you make and the actions you take!

Be Coachable ~ Tips on learning to be open to new ideas!

Show Up ~ Tips on how to choose where, why and when to show up! Plus what to do when you get there!

Be Yourself ~ Tips on how to demonstrate your own authenticity!

Pay Attention ~ Tips on how to look for opportunity and to sharpen your listening skills!

Contribute ~ Tips on how to accept contribution and how to give it!

Ask For What You Want ~ Tips on where and how to get assistance for your current highest priority!

Say "Thank You!" ~ Creative ways to express appreciation!

Stay Connected ~ The ins and outs of being in touch with the people who count!

Results You Can Expect. . .

More effective communication with your significant other and business associates!

A better understanding of how to be in a relationship that works!

Make more sales. . . AND only when "you" are willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen!

How to develop a network of support that truly supports you in what you are up to in life!

Courage to venture beyond 'what was' to 'what's next' where exciting personal and business breakthroughs await you!

Effective networking tools that attract and keep good business contacts! The Promise. . . When you consistently work on the relationship you have with yourself, you bridge the gap between the relationship you have with your significant other, your personal and professional relationships!

This inspirational session will challenge you to be the best you can be, do the best you can do and to be specific with your intentions as you move forward with vigor. This high-content seminar has hundreds of "hot ideas" that will enrich your life and assist you on your path to success. Success doesn't happen by accident, it's predictable! You either handle life or life will handle you! Larry gets real about what works and what doesn't work! His no-nonsense approach will inspire the attendees to fully participate in life!

"Larry James speaks from the heart. His words carefully craft a message of hope that inspires couples to work together in a spirit of love and understanding. The powerful effect of his work in the area of relationships can change your life!"

Jack Canfield, Bestselling Co-Aauthor
Chicken Soup for the Soul series

This workshop is presented nationally. It can be presented as a keynote or seminar at conventions, association meetings, networking groups, network marketing groups or business meetings.

More and more corporations are presenting Larry's work to their associates as a way of helping them to better handle the stress of relationships at home and in the workplace.

next: A Few of Larry's Favorite Family Fotos!

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 6). Making Relationships Work: Personally and Professionally, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/celebrate-love/making-relationships-work-personally-and-professionally

Last Updated: June 9, 2015

Making Love

Making Love

LoveNote. . . Passion is pure energy, aliveness, and like life itself, it starts off neutral; it is a given. We are the ones that give the energy of passion direction and meaning. The more we have succeeded in channeling passion into love, the more attractive we have become to each other, and the more attractive our relationship has become to both of us. ~ Henry James Borys

Great sex is an active ingredient in all healthy love relationships. Sex is fun and pleasure is good for us. Making love is surrendering to a higher form of energy than any one love partner can experience alone. Making love is two love partners experiencing their oneness with each other.

When we make love, we are much greater than the sum of our parts. It is spiritual as well as physical. We never forget the spiritual source of our love. Making love is a Divine idea. We never allow making love to become the supreme expression of the absence of God in our lives.

LoveNote. . . The miracle of unconditional love is nurtured by the power of the Divine and our own imagination. Imagine the possibilities! ~ Larry James

Sex gives us an enormous opportunity to exercise responsibility. I believe that the sexual experience is immeasurably heightened when both love partners feel free to mutually share their likes and dislikes, cares and concerns and honor each other for their choices. It is the ultimate expression of the joy of life; of being together. It is a Divine connection.

My love partner is the consummate lover. She openly discloses her sexuality, free of inhibitions. I also invite my love partner to know me intimately. Making love with one another elevates us to a level of satisfaction for which there are no words.

The highest form of pleasure comes when you give yourself fully with love, creating a mystical ecstasy that allows both love partners to be lost in time and space, if only for a few brief moments.

LoveNote. . . Chains do not hold a relationship together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a relationship last - more than passion or even sex. ~ Simone Signoret

My love partner and I both know that our individual sexual fulfillment is primarily up to each other, not our love partner. Our lovemaking is a beautiful expression of love at its most Divine level of happiness; a demonstration of reverence for God's ultimate gift of Love to us as lovers.

Intimate love partners share playfulness. I have a love partner who is playful when we make love. Sexual playfulness is vital for continuing to experience each other as lovers. We both feel free to be ourselves. Ours is a maturing sexual love relationship, and as lovers we discover an even greater source of sexual excitement by revealing our emotional selves and communicating heart-to-heart in our sexual play.

In the passion of making love, my playmate and I communicate a profundity of love that words cannot carry. Being together in this fully present and intimate way opens the channel of communication to allow for full disclosure of emotions and the expression of our innermost desires.

We never allow our lovemaking to be a routine act of fulfilling desire. To do so would invite boredom. Intimate love is an adventure of shared warmth and spontaneity. We have spontaneity in our lovemaking, knowing that spontaneity between lovers must always be balanced with kindness, care, and respect for each other.

LoveNote. . . Love today, right now, without condition or requirement. Live each day by love. Seize love when it comes your way and as quickly, give it away. Celebrate love! ~ Larry James

We occasionally have our very own private party in the bedroom or anywhere else our imagination takes us that might stimulate and excite us. We allow our imagination and creativity free rein. We do not expect our love relationship to be exciting without making it exciting.

The intimate and trusting atmosphere we create together allows an occasional flirting with mutually acceptable fantasies, a powerful stimulus to sexual pleasure. Anything goes as long as love prevails: touch, tongue, tickle; silk, satin, lace; the kitchen table, the patio in the moonlight, the hot tub or Bennigan's parking lot.

Making love is an open window of discovery, an exciting adventure of each other, allowing exploration of a depth of passion attainable to only the few.

My love partner and I work together to make our love sanctuary more beautiful and comfortable to enliven and make special our intimacy.

A balance of excitement and quiet pleasures allows a relationship to maximize its potential. My love partner and I have a deep need for the gentleness of a passionate kiss, tenderness, caressing, fondling, and touching each other.

We experience touch as an expression of caring, of comforting and of expressing warm affection. Touching enlivens our lives. It nurtures our love relationship. The gift of touch contains within it the miracle of healing and bonding. Touch is a means of connecting emotionally, physically and spiritually. The gentleness of touch communicates, "I love you," and is not always a prelude to passion.

LoveNote. . . Touch me! Love me gently with your touch. When it is a genuine expression of true love, touch can bring you intimately closer to another human being than can thousands of words. ~ Larry James

Our physical nakedness reflects our emotional honesty, and our intimate physical embrace denotes our emotional acceptance of each other. Physical intimacy is the goal of our sexual expression. With intimacy comes a deeper level of exposure of one's self, a profound feeling of enrichment of us joining as one and loving acceptance by each other.

Foreplay is often found in the quietness of loving words.

Making Love

In an atmosphere of safety and trust, we derive much pleasure from giving a full-body massage and receiving one, never neglecting any part of our bodies. The deliberate, slow motion of massage stirs passion and builds desire. It allows us to tune in to our lover's innermost feelings.

Candlelight, soft music, a glass of wine, fragrant oils, a soft feather, a vibrator or two and more are all a sacred part of this Divine ritual. We use our imagination and enjoy one another. We savor the magic of the moment. Massage is communicating with sensitivity what we find most pleasurable and erotic; it is making love with our fingers.

My lover's body is a temple, the container of my loved one's soul. I honor it. I respect it.

We listen for the sensual sounds our music makes. We know our lover's body like a musician knows his instrument and we play it for all it's worth. We make beautiful music together. She often assists me in writing the score. We take turns leading the orchestra. Our lovemaking is a symphony of supersex. Fully expressing our feelings in this way lessens pressure and anxiety, increases love and deepens trust. We continue to rediscover the things that give us pleasure and bring feelings of closeness.

Sex that is deeply enjoyed is freely given and taken, with deep soul-shaking climaxes, and makes each love partner become humble at the remembrance of joys past and expectant of those yet to be discovered and enjoyed. I am attracted to the majesty of sexual union with my love partner and excited by the promise of its lofty secrets.

LoveNote. . . Last night I made love with an angel. She was so hot her eyes danced as if to escape the fire of our passion. ~ Larry James

I am becoming a master at being passionately intimate with the one I love. Sparks fly! We can feel the sexual electricity in the air when we are together. We tingle when we mingle. Whatever my lover and I find ourselves doing in the flow of making love is right and beautiful.

We share our passion without fear, and with patience, commitment, and trust. This level of emotional sharing generates a limitless flow of sexual energy. I seek not just sensory gratification but Divine union with my lover.

My love partner is someone who shares my desire to devour life for the romantic adventures that make life delicious.

LoveNote. . . I invite the divine warmth of my graceful angel to embrace me with tranquility and peace. Her passionate, peaceful qualities gently touch my heart. Her soothing presence bathes me with her radiating love. I acknowledge her for the Divine idea she is. ~ Larry James

The intimate and trusting atmosphere we create together allows an occasional flirting with mutually acceptable fantasies, a powerful stimulus to sexual pleasure. Anything goes as long as love prevails: touch, tongue, tickle; silk, satin, lace; the kitchen table, the patio in the moonlight, the hot tub or Bennigan's parking lot.

Making love is an open window of discovery, an exciting adventure of each other, allowing exploration of a depth of passion attainable to only the few.

My love partner and I work together to make our love sanctuary more beautiful and comfortable to enliven and make special our intimacy.

LoveNote. . . There is no such thing as too much intimacy. ~ Paul Pearsall, Ph.D.

A balance of excitement and quiet pleasures allows a relationship to maximize its potential. My love partner and I have a deep need for the gentleness of a passionate kiss, tenderness, caressing, fondling, and touching each other.

We experience touch as an expression of caring, of comforting and of expressing warm affection. Touching enlivens our lives. It nurtures our love relationship. The gift of touch contains within it the miracle of healing and bonding. Touch is a means of connecting emotionally, physically and spiritually. The gentleness of touch communicates, "I love you," and is not always a prelude to passion.

Our physical nakedness reflects our emotional honesty, and our intimate physical embrace denotes our emotional acceptance of each other. Physical intimacy is the goal of our sexual expression. With intimacy comes a deeper level of exposure of one's self, a profound feeling of enrichment of us joining as one and loving acceptance by each other.

Foreplay is often found in the quietness of loving words.

In an atmosphere of safety and trust, we derive much pleasure from giving a full-body massage and receiving one, never neglecting any part of our bodies. The deliberate, slow motion of massage stirs passion and builds desire. It allows us to tune in to our lover's innermost feelings.

Candlelight, soft music, a glass of wine, fragrant oils, a soft feather, a vibrator or two and more are all a sacred part of this Divine ritual. We use our imagination and enjoy one another. We savor the magic of the moment. Massage is communicating with sensitivity what we find most pleasurable and erotic; it is making love with our fingers.

My lover's body is a temple, the container of my loved one's soul. I honor it. I respect it.

LoveNote. . . Trust blazes new trails. It creates the opening for intimacy to exist. Among lovers, trust invites the spark of the Divine to ignite their passion. ~ Larry James

Making Love

We listen for the sensual sounds our music makes. We know our lover's body like a musician knows his instrument and we play it for all it's worth. We make beautiful music together. She often assists me in writing the score. We take turns leading the orchestra. Our lovemaking is a symphony of supersex. Fully expressing our feelings in this way lessens pressure and anxiety, increases love and deepens trust. We continue to rediscover the things that give us pleasure and bring feelings of closeness.

Sex that is deeply enjoyed is freely given and taken, with deep soul- shaking climaxes, and makes each love partner become humble at the remembrance of joys past and expectant of those yet to be discovered and enjoyed. I am attracted to the majesty of sexual union with my love partner and excited by the promise of its lofty secrets.

LoveNote. . . Last night I made love with an angel. She was so hot her eyes danced as if to escape the fire of our passion. ~ Larry James

I am becoming a master at being passionately intimate with the one I love. Sparks fly! We can feel the sexual electricity in the air when we are together. We tingle when we mingle. Whatever my lover and I find ourselves doing in the flow of making love is right and beautiful.

We share our passion without fear, and with patience, commitment, and trust. This level of emotional sharing generates a limitless flow of sexual energy. I seek not just sensory gratification but Divine union with my lover.

My love partner is someone who shares my desire to devour life for the romantic adventures that make life delicious.

LoveNote. . . I invite the divine warmth of my graceful angel to embrace me with tranquility and peace. Her passionate, peaceful qualities gently touch my heart. Her soothing presence bathes me with her radiating love. I acknowledge her for the Divine idea she is. Larry James

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 6). Making Love, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/celebrate-love/making-love

Last Updated: June 7, 2019

About Passive-Aggressive Behavior

(From Q & A page about passive-aggressive behavior)

"Passive-aggressive behavior is the expression of anger indirectly. This happens because we got the message one way or another in childhood that it was not OK to express anger. Since anger is energy that can not be completely repressed it gets expressed in indirect ways. This takes the form one way or another, overtly or subtly, of us acting out the Codependent battle cry I'll show you. I'll get me. As a kid I was very angry at my mother for not protecting me or herself from my father - but it was not ok to be angry at my mother so I was passive-aggressive in various ways. One was to not show any feelings. By the time I was 7 or 8 I was being cool in a passive-aggressive response to her attempts to be close to me I would not let her touch me, I would not show happiness if something good happened or pain if something bad happened. I would just say it's okay no matter how much it wasn't. I also showed her and my dad by not getting the type of grades as I was capable of getting in school. I have spent much of my life sabotaging myself to get back at them.

Passive-aggressive behavior can take the form of sarcasm, procrastination, chronic lateness, being a party pooper, constantly complaining, being negative, offering opinions and advice that is not asked for, being the martyr, slinging arrows (whatever have you done to your hair, gained a little weight haven't we?), etc. If we don't know how to set boundaries or will go along with anything to avoid conflict, then we often will agree to doing things we don't want to do - and as a result we will not be happy doing them and will get back at the other person somehow, someway because we are angry at them for making us do something we don't want to do. A classic codependent scenario is being asked where you want to eat and saying oh, I don't care, wherever you want to and then being angry because they take us somewhere we don't like. We think they should be able to read our mind and know we don't want to do whatever. Typically, in relationships, one partner will ask the other to do something and the person who can't say "I don't want to do that" - will agree to do it and then not do it. This will result in nagging and scolding which will cause more anger and passive-aggressive behavior.


continue story below

The way to stop being passive-aggressive is to start being honest (first of all with ourselves), having boundaries (the more we get in touch with our inner children the more we can have boundaries with the angry ones that are causing us to be passive-aggressive), saying no when we don't want to do something. It is easier said than done. On one level what we are doing is recreating our childhood dynamics of being criticized by our parents. It is because at our core we feel unworthy and unlovable that we have relationships - romantic, friendship, work - where we will be criticized and given the message that we are bad or wrong. Because we don't Love our self we need to manifest people outside of ourselves that will be our critical parent - then we can resent them, feel victimized, and be passive-aggressive. They are in fact just a reflection of how we treat ourselves internally. The more we can learn to defend ourselves internally from the critical parent voice the more we will find that we don't want critical people in our lives."

"I dated a woman for a while who had been practicing meditation for many years - it was very interesting for me to observe (I was at a point in my process where I was working on letting go of rescuing and needing to change the other person - so I was just observing) how she ignored conflict. We never did any processing of difficulties which arose because she would act as if it never happened. Avoiding conflict also denies intimacy - we cannot be emotionally intimate with someone we can't be angry at. Conflict is an inherent part of relationships and is to be worked through to grow from - conflict is an important part of the garden that grows deeper intimacy."

The following is an excerpt from a handout I wrote recently for a Workshop based on my next process level book

Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light

"Empowerment through Internal Boundaries"

"In order to become empowered and stop being the victim of our self it is very important to recognize the different parts of ourselves so that we can set boundaries out of the adult that has knowledge, skills, and resources, the adult that is on a Spiritual/healing path. We can access our Higher Self to be a Loving Parent to the wounded parts of our self. We have a Healer Within us. An Inner Mentor/Teacher/Wise Wizard that can guide us if we have the ears to hear/the ability to feel the Truth. That Adult within us can set a boundary with the Critical Parent to stop the shame and judgment and can then Lovingly set boundaries with whatever part of us is reacting so that we can find some balance - not overreact or under react out of out fear of overreacting.


All of wounded inner child and archetype parts of us affect our ability to have a healthy Romantic Relationship. Here are two that have a great impact.

Romantic

Idealistic, dreamer, lover, creative part of us that is a wonderful asset when kept in balance - can lead to disastrous consequences when allowed to be in control of choices. Not good on taking responsible action would rather day dream about fairy tales and fantasies than deal with reality.

We often swing between:

- letting this part of us be in control - in which case the romantic wants the fairy tale so badly that he/she inevitably ignores all the red flags and warning signals that tell us very clearly that this is not a good person to cast in the part of the prince or princess;

- to shutting down completely to this part of us which often causes to be cynical, lose are ability to dream, give so much power to the fear of making of a "mistake" that we can lose the ability to risk opening up to the Joy of being Alive in the moment.

It is very important to find some balance with this part of ourselves in order to have any chance of success in a Romantic Relationship. The romantic is a wonderful part of us that can help our Spirits to dance and sing and soar.

Deprived, wounded, lonely child

Desperately needy, clingy, wants to be rescued and taken care of, doesn't want to set boundaries for fear of being abandoned - very important to own, nurture, and Love this part of ourselves because relating to this part of our self out of either extreme can be disastrous.

Allowing this desperate neediness to come out in our adult relationships can drive someone away pretty fast - no one can meet the desperate needs of this child but we can love this part out of the Loving compassionate adult in us and keep those needs from surfacing at inappropriate times by owning how wounded this part of us is.


continue story below

Not owning that part of us can be just as damaging - being terrified of letting ourselves feel the woundedness of this part of our self can cause us to shut down our ability to be vulnerable and open to emotional intimacy. If we cannot own how deprived we were emotionally as children and try to keep this part of us shut away we cannot Truly open our heart and be vulnerable as an adult. People who tend to be counter dependent and can't stand being around needy people are terrified of the needy part of themselves.

When this emotional deprivation is associated with a teenager within us it can cause us to act out sexually to try to get this emotional neediness met. The fact that we have in the past acted out sexually in ways that we are ashamed of - or found ourselves very needy, vulnerable, and powerless to suppress the emotional neediness in sexually intimate relationships - can cause us to shut down to our sensuality and sexuality out of fear the loss of control we experienced in the past."

next: Spring and Nurturing

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 6). About Passive-Aggressive Behavior, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, December 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/joy2meu/about-passive-aggressive-behavior

Last Updated: August 7, 2014