Abundant Spirituality + Codependence Recovery + Love = Joy2MeU

Welcome to my website. I'm Robert Burney, author of the book, Co-Dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls.

"Codependence is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self! With our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. With our own gender and sexuality. With being human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally, we have dysfunctional relationships externally.

We do not have the power to change others - we do have the power to change our relationship with self by healing our codependence / wounded souls, and tuning into Higher Self. We can access the capacity to accept, embrace, forgive, have compassion for, and set boundaries with, all parts of self. By learning to Love our self, we will gain the capacity to Truly Love our neighbor.

Changing our relationship with life can transform life into an exciting adventure. Changing our relationship with self will change the world."

I hope you'll keep coming back and joining me on the journey of self-exploration.

next: A Little About Me: Robert Burney

Most traditional doctors have a difficult time treating chronic pain and fibromyalgia. That's why patients are turning to alternative treatments for chronic pain and fibromyalgia.

• Confronting Fibromyalgia
• Overcoming Pain
• Important Information About Herbal Treatments
• Harmful Substances in Herbal Products

next: Confronting Fibromyalgia

Chapter 106 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

"I TOLD HIM I NEEDED some of his staff to cover things so we could have our meeting," Ann said, "but did he volunteer anyone? No. And then today at the meeting, the supervisor asked him when he was going to have his meeting and he had the gall to say, 'As soon as Ann loans me the staff to cover it.' I don't get it!"

She doesn't get it. A lot of people don't get it. That's why I will urge you for the sake of your sanity and effectiveness to be overly clear when you talk to people because they tend to assume they understand when they don't. It is in your best interest to be too thorough when communicating to people. It makes you more effective.

-"Don't use the one on the right," you say. "It's being repaired. Only use the one on the left."
-"Sure. No problem."
Later...
-"That machine didn't work," he tells you.
-"Which one did you use?" you ask.
-"The one on the right."
-"I told you to use the one on the left!"
-"No you didn't. Remember? You said I should only use the one on the right. -That's what you said, I swear!"

People sometimes aren't listening very well. Sometimes they have other things on their minds. Sometimes they think they know what you're going to say already, so they don't really listen. And then there is the memory factor; human memory is certainly not the most reliable thing in the world.

You can save yourself a lot of trouble by simply repeating yourself and then questioning people to make sure they know what you said.

Be overly clear with your communication and you will experience less resentment and you'll have fewer problems to deal with later.

How can you be overly clear? By using two simple techniques:

1. repeat yourself, and
2. ask questions to make sure people understand exactly what you're saying.

Be more clear than you think is necessary and you'll experience less stress and more success.

Be overly clear with people.

How to be here now. This is mindfulness from the East applied to reality in the West.
E-Squared

Expressing anger has a good reputation. Too bad. Anger is one of the most destructive emotions we experience, and its expression is dangerous to our relationships.
Danger

Comparisons are natural. Indeed, you can't really help it. But you can direct it in a way that enhances your relationships, even making you feel better about people you haven't even met yet.
How You Measure Up

It is unnecessarily limiting to label yourself shy, outgoing, Aries, Taurus, strong, weak, or any other label. Be your true, flexible self and you'll be better off.
Personality Myth

There may be evidence that prayer may actually have medical benefits, even if the prayed-for doesn't know it's happening.
Send a Blessing

Why is it important to make a good impression? Because human brains aren't perfect and are biased by our earliest conclusions.
Very Impressive

next: To Zip or Not to Zip

Chapter 33 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

PEOPLE WHO ARE FULLY VITAL and alive and full of energy are interested. They're pursuing an interest. The stronger the interest, the more vitality emanates from it. People without any interests at all are bored, tired and lifeless. Interest is everything.

Here's the problem: You can't fake or force yourself to be interested in something. You can gently open yourself to be mildly interested, but you're either strongly interested in something or you're not, and it's not up to you. It's either there or it isn't.

There are subjects and activities which, if you pursued one of them, would awaken your sleeping vitality. But you may be ignoring them for "good reasons."

A woman I know liked to draw and was very good at it while she was still only in kindergarten. When she told her father she wanted to be an artist when she grew up, he said, "You don't want to be an artist. Artists don't make any money." He dismissed the idea with so much certainty, she dropped her interest immediately. She cut it off, turned away from it.

Many of us have had a similar experience. We turned away from what really interested us and now we don't really know what interests us. We look around at our options and don't see anything interesting because the thing that interests us is behind us, so to speak - we've turned out backs on it and can't see it any more.
I know a man who liked to sail as a youngster, but let it fade out of his life when he became an adult. He thought about it once in a while but figured he would do some sailing "later" when he had a lot of money and extra time (dream on dude).

He recently decided to take up sailing, even on a small scale, and he has come alive.

Boredom is death. Interest is life. Dig up that dormant interest. You know the one - you've dropped it or laid it aside for perfectly sound reasons. You might even feel it's childish to pursue it. That's the one. Pursue it, even a little, and your awakened interest will brighten your whole life.

Pursue the interests that make you come alive.

GIVE THE GIFT
Wouldn't this book make a great gift for someone? So easy to read, so helpful. Twelve online bookstores now carry Adam Khan's new book, Self-Help Stuff That Works, including:

Why do people in general (and you in particular) not feel happier than our grandparents felt when they had far fewer possessions and conveniences than we now have?
We've Been Duped

What is the most powerful self-help technique on the planet?
What single thing can you do that will improve your attitude, improve the way you deal with others, and also improve your health? Find out here.
Where to Tap

Would you like to be emotionally strong? Would you like to have that special pride in yourself because you didn't whimper or whine or collapse when things got rough? There is a way, and it's not as difficult as you'd think.
Think Strong

When some people get smacked around by life, they give in and let life run them over. But some people have a fighting spirit. What's the difference between these two and whydoes it make a difference? Find out here.
Fighting Spirit

next: Positive Thinking: The Next Generation

Loss of Control of Grandiosity

Chapter 9

What happens if the narcissist fails to find Narcissistic Supply Sources (NSSs)?

This precipitates a narcissistic crisis. The narcissist becomes more desperate and more compulsive in looking for his drug. The more he fails, the more he is hurt and he expresses his emotional turmoil by acting out.

Moreover, the absence of SNSSs or their deficiency coupled with the resulting narcissistic crisis increase the fluctuations in the quantity of Narcissistic Supply and widen the Grandiosity Gap (between the grandiose fantasies of the narcissist and his less than glamorous reality). This volatility erodes the narcissist's self-esteem, self-image, and self-confidence. The narcissist self-devalues and is reduced to depression and doubts.

In other words: the gap between the narcissist's grandiose fantasies and reality is so wide that the FEGO's narcissistic defence mechanisms can no longer be maintained even with the use of strong repression and denial.

This triggers two defensive reactions. Their aim is to stabilise Narcissistic Supply and to reduce the narcissist's emotional lability:

1. The Reactive Repertoire is reawakened (encouraging the narcissist to flee the scene of his failures and thus create an alibi for future failures).
2. An increase in the consumption of PNSSs (if SNSSs are deficient) or of SNSSs (if PNSSs are deficient).

This last measure does stabilise the situation in the short run but it has a destabilising effect in the longer run.

All this is done mainly to protect the FEGO. The narcissist "knows" that when the FEGO is shattered, the ability of the Hyperconstruct to resist the punitive influence of the SEGO dwindles and both TEGO and the narcissist's relations with outside objects are in danger.

In the absence of SNSS, an increase in the consumption of randomly available PNSS leads to an enhanced volatility of Narcissistic Supply. If prolonged, this leads to a collapse of the Hyperconstruct, including the eminently important FEGO.

This opens the way to the tyrannical SEGO and to an era of suicidal tendencies and ideation.

From a psychodynamic point of view, when the Narcissistic Supply fluctuates with increasing volatility, the result is an oscillation between over-valuation or idealisation (the outcome of the narcissist's grandiose fantasies) and under-valuation and even de-valuation (the Grandiosity Gap, the confrontation between his grandiose fantasies and a decidedly less grandiose reality).

Gradually, the effects of the PNSS fade. This type of NSS is not stable - precisely why a function of accumulation is required. The release of accumulated Narcissistic Supply - the role of the SNSS - smoothes the supply derived from PNSS by equally distributing it over time (regulating it).

Still, the devaluation extreme of this pendular motion erodes the narcissist's sense of self-worth, self-image, self-esteem, and self-confidence. This weakens the FEGO considerably and the SEGO takes over with a double-pronged action:

1. It attacks the TEGO, provoking dysphoria and depressive anhedonia in the process. It devalues the narcissist's self-worth and self-image, inciting self-hatred and self-loathing, which lead to self-destruction and to suicidal ideation.
   Suicide cannot be ruled out in such a case.
2. It attacks the objects (meaningful or significant others) in the narcissist's life. It repels them by externalising the narcissist's depression and self-destructive urges, by "spoiling" good feelings and achievements, by fostering compulsive acts, by generating overt transformations of aggression (envy, boredom, rage, cynicism), by displaying emotional platitude, by avoiding sex.

The next phase is comprised of rebellious acts against authority figures and institutions, delinquent behaviour, and passive-aggressive sabotage.

But this raging battle and the arsenal of weaponry used in it are a reflection of deeper turbulence in the soul of the narcissist.

The narcissist transforms his life into his single biggest creative act. In other words, the narcissist is an actor (FEGO) whose creation is his own life. He adapts the narrative to fit changing audiences. There is, actually, no discernible, identifiable, single narcissist - but a myriad, mirrored, confabulations.

This constant acting creates - both in the narcissist and in his social milieu - feelings of deceit, falsity, vacillating moods, a multi-layered existence, evasiveness, crookedness, and evil mysteriousness. SNSSs are frustrated by this and often feel threatened by the inability to "capture" and pigeonhole the narcissist.

Life as a work of art (rather than one's art as part of one's biography) is an element of the narcissist's "virtual normalcy" (simulated normal functioning). The narcissist assembles whereas others create, cohabits instead of sharing, establishes and runs "Potemkin" businesses, and indulges in bogus fantasies instead of doing the real thing. He pursues PNSS (publicity) in lieu of professional reputation and standing.

The narcissist does not realise his potentials because he needs to work with others to do so. But he avoids getting involved in order to forestall pain and self-destruction (in the wake of abandonment). The narcissist's schizoid reclusiveness is an act of self-preservation. One can convincingly argue that the narcissist's self-destructive streak is better manifested in the way he secures NSSs.

The narcissist assumes that he is so unique that his uniqueness is enough to establish his position as entitled to special treatment - even without actually creating or achieving anything (works of art, fathering children, making a home, building a business, maintaining a relationship).

The narcissist deserves of Narcissistic Supply (adulation, attention) by virtue of merely existing and due to the complexity of his special personal history. By refraining from doing and from acting, the narcissist avoids narcissistic injuries. The narcissist never invests in anything and never perseveres - so he never gets emotionally attached to anything.

Still, we must differentiate between the actor's (FEGO's) role and his function (the function of the whole personality, or of the TEGO).

The FEGO's role involves low emotional investment and emphasises yields in terms of Narcissistic Supply and the consumption of that supply. It is characterised by ego-dystony.

The TEGO's function calls for a high level of emotional involvement, yields in terms of Narcissistic Supply are a marginal consideration and it fosters high ego-syntony.

The repertoire of possible roles adopted by the narcissist's FEGO is enormous. The more characteristic are:

• Crook, dangerous, unpredictable, verbally violent, deterring;
• Businessman, rich, well connected, powerful;
• Genius, innovator, encyclopaedic;
• Revolutionary, reformer, non-conformist, rebellious;
• Asexual, monkish, pervert;
• Author, intellectual, bohemian, artist;
• Family man, father, sage, experienced, stable, and authoritative;
• Charming, childish, honest, open, innocent, vulnerable, requires assistance and support.

Narcissists deceive their environment in more than one way. Even when they express emotions it is because they have discovered the efficacy of this tactic in obtaining Narcissistic Supply (NS). The emotions used and expressed are part of a role played - as are the narcissist's creativity and social interactions.

Every resource at the narcissist's disposal is mobilised and subjected to the overriding goal of obtaining PNSSs and SNSSs. The narcissist says all the right things but in such a manner that they sound hollow. Thus, when the narcissist says: "I love you" he really means: "I depend on you for the stabilisation of my Narcissistic Supply and for the accumulation of supply."

People feel that something is amiss but they can't put their finger on it. So they keep their distance from the narcissist, or abandon him altogether thus reinforcing the Narcissistic Cycle and, unwittingly, participating in it. The FEGO's role is to successfully limit social interactions to the plane of NS and to secure the denouement: the abandonment of the narcissist. It also helps contain the resulting emotional or narcissistic damage. The narcissist can always pretend that it is all a game to him.

His abandonment leads the narcissist down a straight path to Loss Dysphoria and from there to the Reactive Repertoire. The Reactive Repertoire contains two categories of behaviour patterns:

The first category is characterised by a denial of reality, reclusive behaviour, disintimisation, aberrant sexual practices, and by the avoidance of intimacy.

These behaviours are common once a Grandiosity Gap emerges and leads to a continuous conflict with reality. This friction shatters the illusion of virtual normalcy. The loss of some of the grandiose fantasies in conjunction with more practical costs due to the narcissist's seclusion lead to a Loss Dysphoria and to the Reactive Repertoire.

The behaviours in this first group are typical of states of uncertainty and of transition between Pathological Narcissistic Spaces (PN Spaces).

The second category of behaviours is comprised of escape, change (of place, job, or vocation), displacement of grandiose fantasies and the development of an alternative PN Space. These are intended to close the problematic Grandiosity Gap and to match reality and fantasy.

Yet, nothing can prevent the eruption of a Deficiency Dysphoria and the impulse to secure PNSSs in the alternative PN Space. If the development of an alternative PN Space is not possible, the narcissist exhibits symptoms of a Deficiency Dysphoria - but only after a while. The reason for the delay: the narcissist has an "alibi" for the absence of Narcissistic Supply - he lost one PN Space and has not, as yet, developed another.

Failing to obtain SNSSs leads to an inability to complete the Narcissistic Cycle and to a Loop of Grandiosity Compensation. The functions of the SNSSs are performed through intricate Feedback Loops that monitor and regulate the stabilisation mechanisms.

The absence or malfunctioning of these feedback mechanisms lead the narcissist down the dangerous path of excessive Grandiosity Compensation and thenceforth to subsequent and resultant losses and to a Loss Dysphoria.

In a way the Grandiosity Gap and the Grandiosity Compensation Loop regulate each other. The Grandiosity Gap activates the Grandiosity Compensation Loop and the SNSS Feedback Loop, which measures the amount of Grandiosity Compensation and halts it when the Grandiosity Gap has been reduced to a tolerable size.

The SNSSs, therefore, monitor the state of the Grandiosity Gap. They halt the operation of the Grandiosity Compensation Loop once the Grandiosity Gap has been reduced to a tolerable size. They also activate the Reactive Repertoire when necessary (after a loss), once the Grandiosity Gap has widened, or when Grandiosity Compensation is low.

Thus, in the absence of SNSSs, Grandiosity Compensation mechanisms are incessantly activated even when there is no Grandiosity Gap. This leads to a Loss of Control of Grandiosity and to subsequent real life injuries.

The narcissist loses in any case:

1. When there are no SNSSs, there is no stabilising Feedback Loop, there is excessive Grandiosity Compensation, a Loss of Control of Grandiosity and real life losses. 
2. When SNSSs are available, the Wunderkind mask is activated replete with all the EIPM and this is tantamount to the initiation of losses.

Grandiosity Compensation is common after the Reactive Repertoire. The absence of SNSSs leads to the excess use of the Reactive Repertoire (denial of reality, disintimisation, escapism, changes of residences or jobs, fantasies and the development of alternative PN Space) as well as the excessive use of the compensatory mechanisms.

But the excess use of Grandiosity Compensation interferes with the efficacy of obtaining PNSSs in two ways:

A vicious circle ensues: the absence of stabilisation and feedback functions provided by the SNSS leads to an excessive use of the Reactive Repertoire and to an incessant and exaggerated Grandiosity Compensation.

These raise the stimulation threshold of the PNSSs and adversely affect their efficiency to the point of fully frustrating it. A Loss of Control of Grandiosity follows, which leads to losses and to Loss Dysphorias.

This, in turn, increases the Grandiosity Compensation within the Narcissistic Cycle.

The loss, therefore, is not, in this case, only of objects - but of NSSs.

The Loss of Control of Grandiosity generates malignant versions of the various means for acquiring PNSSs:

What used to be a relatively benign projection of power is transformed into rage and humiliation directed at individuals or ethnic or other groups (misogyny, racism).

The projection of wealth is transformed to ostentatious and uncontrolled overspending (coupled with ego-dystony).

Publicity is mostly obtained through lies, indecent exposure, and fantasies.

This malignancy transforms NSSs into dysfunctional NSSs. Instead of helping to reduce the Grandiosity Gap, they widen it either directly, or by their very unavailability.

The heightened threshold of stimulus causes "NSS creep". Some NSSs lose the ability to compensate for lost grandiosity and, thus, to bridge the Grandiosity Gap. These are a-functional NSSs.

They lose this ability because the elevated threshold renders low their narcissistic content. Their narcissistic yield becomes insufficient.

The narcissist reacts in different ways to NSSs, which cease to be functional (dys- and a- functional):

He may lose all interest. This is part of the Reactive Repertoire: the repression of the consequences of important losses. Or, he may rage, aware of the Grandiosity Gap, which continues to widen despite all efforts. The narcissist feels helpless, faced with the failure of the protective mechanism of cognitive dissonance.

Difficulties finding sexual partners, for instance, exacerbates the Grandiosity Gap. The solution: a cognitive dissonant abstinence ("I never really like sex") and trying to cast the very act of forgoing sex as NSS (as proof of exceptional personal strength).

This is a part of the Reactive Repertoire aimed at coping with a narcissistic injury. The dual Dysphorias develop as well (Loss and Deficiency). Alternatively, the failure of the dissonance elicits rage, an inability to convert the dissonance to NSSs, narcissistic injury and the two dysphorias.

The Loss of Control of Grandiosity is double: the narcissist loses both his objects and his NSSs, which are exposed either as a-functional or dysfunctional.

We must, therefore, differentiate between rage which is the reaction to the loss of NSSs through their transformation into dysfunctional NSSs and to the widening of the Grandiosity Gap - and rage which is the malignant form of projection of power as PNSSs (the gratifying humiliation of groups of people or of individuals).

When SNSSs lose their functionality, the Loss of Control of Grandiosity and the malignancy process lead to perturbations in the SNSS transaction and in the process of locating the SNSS and conditioning it. For instance, the possibility of being attracted sexually may be affected (due to a dysfunctional PNSS), or the conditioning measures (due to a-functional SNSS), or the very SNSS transaction.

Actually, there is an increase in the stimulus threshold which causes the "SNSS creep".

This creep is evident in the increase in the velocity of the SNSSs. The SNSSs become a-functional and the narcissist loses any interest in them. He directs aggression and transformed aggression at them, trying to facilitate an abandonment and rapid loss in order to switch to the next SNSS. This is a malignancy of the SNSS transaction.

All this yields a Functionality Shift. One shift is from dys- and a- functional NSS to NSSs, which are still functional (still provide NS needed to close the gap) - the Vertical Shift. And there is the increase in the dosage and the magnitude of NSSs in the hope of restoring their functionality - this is the Horizontal Shift.

The Vertical Shift is part of a Loss of Control of Grandiosity and the Horizontal Shift is part of the malignancy process.

The dysphorias are "selection switches" between NSS Sets in the NSS Space. The selection process is carried out through the above mentioned Functionality Shifts. The NSS Cycle is the changing of the guard between NSS Sets within the NSS Space. Specifically reacting to the dysphorias, some of them become functional (the Active Sets) and the other sets lose their functionality (the Shadow Sets).

The Narcissistic Cycle is a set of specific reactions to specific dysphorias, which create a specific Grandiosity Gap, which calls for a specific Grandiosity Compensation. This is the "bias" of the Narcissistic Cycle.

The selection of the Active Sets responds to this bias - and so does the deactivation of the Shadow Sets. The bias also sets the parameters of the two shifts.

What determines the dysfunctionalisation of NSSs is their (lack of) availability and what determines their a-functionalisation is their (lack of) yield of Narcissistic Supply in the PN Space (in a specific group, or culture, or society).

Put differently: the Narcissistic Cycle is not completed (does not cancel the dysphorias) if the NSSs which are needed to solve the dysphorias are not available (dysfunctional NSSs), or if their yield of Narcissistic Supply is low in the specific PN Space (a-functional NSSs). In these cases, the dysphorias stay put and a Loss of Control and malignancy processes set in.

Mental Map # 10

Biased Set (failure to obtain NSSs or collapse of PN Space)
Deficient NSSs stabilisation and feedback
Grandiosity Gap
The Loops:
the Reactive Repertoire Loop,
the Grandiosity Compensation Loop.
Loss of Control due to incompletion of the Narcissistic Cycle
and malignancy of NSSs.
Increase in the velocity of the Narcissistic Cycle
Loss of Control leads to:
Loss of objects, Loss Dysphoria,
Deficiency of objects, Deficiency Dysphoria.
And it also leads to:
An increase in the stimulation threshold of PNSSs
and to efforts to obtain PNSS frustrated by the environment.
Dysfunctionalisation and a-functionalisation of NSSs
Loss of NSS (set S0)
Shifts (Vertical and Horizontal) from S0 to S1
(S1 is S0 less S1 shades + S0 shades)
[The Reactive Repertoire]
Dissonance: converting the shifts to Narcissistic Supply
Dissonance: extracting Narcissistic Supply from a shift
Failure of dissonance
Loss Dysphoria in S0 (NSS selection switch)
Reactions: loss of interest or rage
Deficiency Dysphoria in S0 (NSS selection switch)
[Commencement of the Narcissistic Cycle]
Grandiosity Gap
[Bias of Narcissistic Cycle]
Grandiosity Compensation
Testing the availability of NSSs - dysfunctionalisation of S1
Testing of yield of NSSs in PN Space - a-functionalisation of S1
The NSS Cycle:
Loss of NSS not relevant to the deficiency in S1
Shifts (Vertical and Horizontal) - result of NSSs availability and yield tests
Resolution of the Dysphorias (Loss and Deficiency) by restoring S0
Equilibrium and homeostasis of Narcissistic Supply around new Narcissistic Equilibrium Point
An increase in the stimulation threshold of PNSSs-
-and so on and so forth.

The transfer from S0 to S1 is achieved through sublimatory channels coupled with a cognitive dissonance. This calls for an expansion of the concept of sublimation and a clearer definition of the concepts of libido and NSS. Sublimation can be redefined as any mechanism, which precipitates the NSS Cycle. The dissonance is there to prevent cognitive conflicts and to encourage ego-syntony.

The narcissist's disordered personality aspires to a homeostatic (independent of the environment) Narcissistic Equilibrium. The point at which this equilibrium is established is the Narcissistic Equilibrium Point (NEP). Full ego-syntony is maintained at the NEP and the narcissist experiences there pleasure and euphoria.

The introduction of a NSS, which is not part of the Equilibrium Set, destabilises the set and provokes an anxiety reaction (really the fear of losing the equilibrium). The narcissist reacts to this anxiety with discomfiture, rage and EIPM. PNSS can perturb only a set of PNSSs and a SNSS can destabilise only a set of SNSSs.

Usually there is a considerable overlap between S0 and S1 and the transition is smooth and unfelt. Only one or two NSSs are not transferred from the outgoing to the incoming set. These become Shaded NSSs.

The incoming set contains a reference to them, a sort of a pointer, which incorporates the most rudimentary information, or an imitation or a reminder, or an actual remnant of them. These are the SHADES. The role of the shades is to maintain a bridge allowing these NSSs to return and to be included in a future incoming set. The shades form a kind of a blueprint or template of all available NSSs.

Example:

S0 is an outgoing set which includes the following NSSs - sex, projections of wealth, mysteriousness and publicity. It has a shade of the NSS Projection of Power.

S1 is an incoming set which includes projection of wealth, projection of power (was converted from shade in the outgoing set to actual member of the incoming set), mysteriousness and publicity. Sex has become - in S1 - a shade.

Any attempt to relate to a shade as though it is active shifts the NSS Set off the NEP and provokes anxiety and reactions to anxiety (rage, aggression, discomfort, repulsion, transformations of aggression) as well as an active repression of the Shaded NSSs. This kind of repression affects the smooth transition to a new NSS Set in due course.

The equilibrium is thereby adversely affected.

The NSS Space is the list of all NSSs, Primary and Secondary, active and shaded.

Each set has two subsets: the PNSS Subset and the SNSS Subset.

Laws of equivalence, conservation and interchangeability are observed within each subset. These laws help preserve the Narcissistic Equilibrium. There is a complex inter-relationship between the existence of the homeostasis and the existence of the equilibrium. One cannot survive without the other.

Infrequently a Biased Set is formed. This is an Asymmetric Set. There is a difference between the output of the two subsets. The PNSS Subset does provide Narcissistic Supply, while the SNSS does not, or vice versa. The Biased Set reacts by blocking the reaction patterns (the loops, loss of control, malignancy, increase in the velocity of the Narcissistic Cycle, real life losses and deficiencies, the various shifts, and the resolution of the two dysphorias in the process of creating an homeostatic equilibrium around the NEP).

Mental energy is thus conserved under stress and the old NEP is preserved (when there is no Residual Libido). This is a process of self-deception through reclassification. SNSSs are reclassified as PNSSs, the Grandiosity Gap is reduced and there is only a partial Reactive Repertoire (only a few of the first category behaviours are active: denial of reality and reclusive life) - a reaction to the perceived loss of PNSSs (the self-deception works only partially).

PNSSs are never reclassified as SNSSs. Thus, the solution of reclassification is not applicable to a PNSS Biased Set. It is handy only in the case of an SNSS Biased Set.

All the same, despite the crystallisation of a NEP, a new type of dysphoria can erupt and intervene in the orderly transfer of power from one set to another. This is the Pathological Narcissistic Space Dysphoria, a prolonged reaction to the loss of a PN Space. This dysphoria is not influenced by the activation of the Reactive Repertoire, by the formation of an alternative PN Space, by the obtaining of NSSs and by the consummation of a NSS Cycle.

It is a process of mourning and lasts a long time until it vanishes as suddenly as it appeared. The dysphoria is focused on the geography of the PN Space, on memories of events, which took place in it and on people in it. It resembles nostalgia. Its aim is to mentally recreate the NSSs in the PN Space and is tinged with longing to the virtual normalcy that the narcissist ostensibly enjoyed in the bygone PN Space.

The narcissist punishes himself by attributing the loss of the PN Space to his own faults and to massive personal failures. He entertains himself by imagining the reconstruction of the PN Space - only to withdraw in fear once the emotional price becomes evident. The dysphoria is highly unstable and is replaced, time and again, with dissonant loathing of the PN Space.

It is easy to confuse a PN Space Dysphoria with nostalgia or unadulterated longing. Yet, its sources are pathological. The narcissist does not really miss anything or anyone. He misses just the Narcissistic Supply he used to derive so abundantly in the PN Space.

The PN Space Dysphoria has an anticipatory function. It is a reminder that the current PN Space is not immune to a similar fate. It encourages the narcissist to put on the Wunderkind mask and it facilitates the activation of all the EIPM. This dysphoria is really a warning signal: remember, it whispers, that all PN Spaces are transient. Therefore, it is not worthwhile to get emotionally attached to any particular PN Space (EIPM, Wunderkind mask) and the narcissist should be always ready to move on to the next narcissistic destination.

This is common to all dysphorias. They all encourage mobility: between themselves (the selection switches), between PN Spaces, or through the Reactive Repertoire. The dysphorias are the engines of the psychodynamics of the narcissist. They feed off the narcissist's staples of deficiencies, losses, fears and repression.

Only rarely is a state of Narcissistic Coherence achieved with full compatibility between all the components and structures of the narcissist's personality.

When this happens (usually in an optimal PN Space), there is complete interchangeability between PNSS and SNSS. Actually the very distinction between the two becomes blurred. If a certain PNSS is 
terminated, there is an increase in the use of SNSS to compensate for it. The converse is also true.

The narcissist always prefers PNSSs. SNSSs are used less when PNSSs are available and the reverse is never true, if the narcissist can help it. When there is low compatibility between the structures of the narcissist's personality, especially when there is a shortage of PNSSs (a sizeable Grandiosity Gap, conflict between the mental structures, or when the Reactive Repertoire or the dysphorias are in operation), there is a tendency to reduce the SNSSs as well and thus rebalance the picture.

A fixed ratio is maintained between PNSSs and SNSSs. Whenever the compatibility between personality structures is low (conflictive personality) the narcissist tries to maintain this fixed ratio. If the compatibility is high, he maintains an asymmetric compensatory interchangeability: a decrease in PNSSs leads to increased use of SNSSs. Still, the mere availability of SNSSs does not alter the usage pattern. PNSSs always reign supreme.

The Principles of Narcissistic Compensation:

• • The Principle of Symmetric Interchangeability

    Less SNSSs - More PNSSs
    Less PNSSs - More SNSSs

  • Principle of Asymmetric Interchangeability

    More PNSSs - Less SNSSs
    More SNSSs - Same PNSSs

Whatever the internal machinations, the narcissist experiences constant anxiety. In his case it is real and justified fear with an endogenous, instead of an exogenous, source. Horrible, frightening things do threaten the narcissist from the inside.

We neglected to mention the reactions of human NSS.

To obtain Narcissistic Supply the narcissist must degrade the NSS and belittle it. Only so does he establish his own superiority. Inferior-superior, clever-stupid, experienced-inexperienced, handsome-ugly, educated-less educated, knowledgeable-ignorant, vulgar-refined, poor-wealthy, these are the implicit and explicit comparisons effectively used by the narcissist to extract his pound of Narcissistic Supply.

But the NSSs rebel against their prescribed role. Abandoning the narcissist is the ultimate form of resistance. It follows that the narcissist must encourage this mutinous attitude to secure his abandonment and to establish an environment conducive to the operation of the EIPM.

But if the NSSs are, indeed, worthless (as the narcissist insists), then the Narcissistic Supply that they provide is, surely, as worthless. The narcissist uses a dichotomous approach to solve this paradox. True, the NSSs well deserve humiliation, degradation and belittling. However, the specific specimen selected by the infallible narcissist is a fine one, different from the others. The narcissist complements himself on his choice, judiciousness, and taste, thus enhancing his sense of uniqueness - and, at the same time, solves the paradox.

Example:

A misogynistic narcissist strives to frustrate women and, thus, to externalise transformed aggression. But, to his mind, the SNSS is not a woman but an object. The narcissist uses the SNSS's very presence by his side (as a spouse, for instance) to frustrate other women - but while doing so he also deprives her of her femininity.

He turns her into a child, an angel, a sex slave, or even an animal. In the first two cases (child, angel), the narcissist finds it hard to have sexual intercourse with her. In the third case (sex slave) the narcissist finds it hard to be in touch with any other element of her personality or of her femininity except her (objectified) sexuality. He uses these methods to deny and neutralise such big chunks of her femininity that she gradually becomes a functioning object with no gender or sex. Her single remaining important role is to adore the narcissist.

There is a gap between reality and the way that the narcissist perceives the female SNSS (her idealised figure, actually).

This gap is not the result of blind love. Its aim is to frustrate other women ("How come he is with her and not with me? I am more intelligent/beautiful/etc.") and to conserve his partner's quality as SNSS ("She may be ugly - but she is amazing").

The narcissist could never live with his feminine equal. His ability to frustrate other women by being with her is effected and she makes him anxious that her conditioning is ineffective ("She could be with anyone she wishes - why should she stay with me?").

Another function of the woman by the narcissist's side is to attend to daily chores which the narcissist is too self-important to tackle. The narcissist also holds himself to be infallible. Any time he commits an error, has a bad turn, makes the wrong judgement, or, simply, faces a mundane task - the narcissist "passes the buck".

People close to him are to blame. They did not pay attention, they did not alert him on time, they did not prevent what happened, or did not notice the importance of what he was doing, did not make his life easier (after all, this is their raison d'etre).

He attempts to transform the aggression that he feels towards them because he knows that he cannot defend his bloated entitlement. But, since the alternative is to direct this aggression at himself and this endangers his fragile psychic balance, he experiences conflict.

The narcissist is in distress and afraid to admit this (or any other emotion, for that matter). This is why he keeps manufacturing or exaggerating emergencies. He communicates his inner turmoil by making his spouse experience external turmoil, an emergency, a stressful external occurrence.

Again, the narcissist lives through others, vicariously, by proxy. A fleeting image, unreal even to himself, he is doomed to contemplate only his reflection.

next:   Frequently Asked Questions Table of Contents

The Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures

Chapter 8

The narcissist is typically born into a dysfunctional family. It is characterised by massive denial, both internal ("You do not have a real problem, you are only pretending") and external ("You must never reveal the family's secrets to anyone"). Such emotional illness leads to affective and other personality disorders shared by all the members of the family and ranging from obsessive-compulsive disorders to hypochondriasis and depression.

Dysfunctional families are often reclusive and autarkic (self-sufficient). They actively reject and encourage abstention from social contacts. This inevitably leads to defective or partial socialisation and differentiation, and to problems of sexual and self identity.

This monastic attitude is sometimes applied even to the extended family. The members of the nuclear family feel emotionally or financially deprived or threatened by the world at large. They react with envy, rejection, self-isolation and rage in a kind of shared psychosis.

Constant aggression and violence are permanent features of such families. The violence and abuse can be verbal (degradation, humiliation), psychological-emotional, physical, or sexual.

Trying to rationalise and intellectualise its unique position and to justify it, the dysfunctional family emphasises some superior logic it allegedly possesses and its efficiency. It adopts a transactional approach to life and it regards certain traits (e.g., intelligence) as an expression of superiority and as an advantage. These families encourage excellence - mainly cerebral and academic - but only as means to an end. The end is usually highly narcissistic (to be famous/rich/to live well, etc.).

Some narcissists, bred in such households, react by creatively escaping into rich, imagined worlds in which they exercise total physical and emotional control over their environment. But all of them divert libido, which should have been object-oriented, to their own self.

The source of all the narcissist's problems is the belief that human relationships invariably end in humiliation, betrayal, pain and abandonment. This conviction is the outcome of indoctrination in early childhood by their parents, peers, or role models.

Moreover, the narcissist always generalises. To him, any emotional interaction and any interaction with an emotional component is bound to end ignominiously. Getting attached to a place, a job, an asset, an idea, an initiative, a business, or a pleasure is certain to end as badly as getting involved in a relationship with another person.

This is why the narcissist avoids intimacy, real friendships, love, other emotions, commitment, attachment, dedication, perseverance, planning, emotional or other investment, morale or conscience (which are only meaningful if one believes in a future), developing a sense of security, or pleasure.

The narcissist emotionally invests only in things he feels that he is in full, unmitigated control of: himself and, sometimes, not even that.

But the narcissist cannot ignore the fact that there is emotional content and residual affect even in the most basic activities. To protect himself from these remnants of emotions, these remote threats, he constructs a False Self, grandiose, and fantastic.

The narcissist uses his False Self in all his interactions, getting it "tainted" by emotions in the process. Thus the False Self insulates the narcissist from the risks of emotional "contamination".

When even this fails the narcissist has a more powerful weapon in his arsenal: the Wunderkind (wonder-boy) mask.

The narcissist creates two masks, which serve to hide him from the world - and to force the world to cater to his needs and desires.

The first mask is the old, worn-out False Self.

The False Self is a special type of Ego. It is grandiose (and, in this sense, fantastic), invulnerable, omnipotent, omniscient, and "unattached". This kind of Ego prefers adulation or being feared to love. This Ego learns the truth about itself and its boundaries by being reflected. Other people's constant feedback (Narcissistic Supply) help the narcissist to modulate and fine tune his False Self.

But the second mask is as important. This is the mask of the Wunderkind.

The narcissist, wearing this mask, broadcasts to the world that he is both a child (and therefore vulnerable, susceptible, and subject to adult protection) - and a genius (and therefore worthy of special treatment and of admiration).

Inwardly this mask makes the narcissist less emotionally vulnerable. A child does not fully comprehend and grasp events and circumstances, does not commit himself emotionally, waltzes through life, and does not have to deal with emotionally charged problems or situations such as sex or child rearing.

Being a child, the narcissist is exempt from assuming responsibility and develops a sense of immunity and security. No one is likely to hurt a child or to severely punish him. The narcissist is a dangerous adventurer because - like a child - he feels that he is immune to the consequences of his actions, that his possibilities are unlimited, that everything is allowed without the risk of paying the price.

The narcissist hates adults and is repelled by them. In his mind, he is forever innocent and loveable. Being a child, he feels no need to acquire adult skills or adult qualifications. Many a narcissist do not complete their academic studies, refuse to marry or have children, or even get a driver's license. They feel that people should adore them as they are and supply them with all the needs that they, as children, cannot themselves secure.

It is precisely because of this precociousness, the built-in contradiction between his (mental) age and his (adult) knowledge and intelligence, that the narcissist is able to sustain a grandiose self at all! Only a child with this kind of intelligence and with this kind of biography and with this kind of knowledge is entitled to feel superior and grandiose. The narcissist must remain a child if he is to feel superior and grandiose.

The problem is that the narcissist uses these two masks indiscriminately. There are situations in his life when one or both of them prove to be dysfunctional, even detrimental to his well-being.

Example: the narcissist dates a woman. At first, he makes use of the False Self in order to convert her into a Secondary Narcissistic Supply Source (SNSS) and to put her to the test (will she abandon/humiliate/betray him once she discovers that his self is confabulated?).

This phase successfully over, the girl is by now a full-fledged SNSS and is committed to sharing her life with the narcissist. But he is unlikely to believe her. His False Self, gratified by the SNSS, "exits". It is not likely to re-enter unless there is a problem with the unperturbed flow of Narcissistic Supply.

The Wunderkind mask takes over. Its main goal is to avoid or to mitigate the consequences of a certain emotional injury in the future. It permits the development of emotional involvement but in such a distorted and warped manner that this combination (Wunderkind mask in front - False Self in the background) does indeed lead to betrayal and to the abandonment of the narcissist.

The bridge connecting the two - the False Self and Wunderkind mask - is made of their common preference. They both prefer adulation to love.

Another example: the narcissist gets a job in a new workplace or meets a new group of people in social circumstances. At first, he uses his False Self with the aim of obtaining Primary Narcissistic Supply Source (PNSS) by demonstrating his superiority and uniqueness. This he does by putting on display his intellect and knowledge.

This phase over, the narcissist believes that his superiority is established, securing a constant flow of Narcissistic Supply and Narcissistic Accumulation. His False Self is satisfied and exits the scene. It will not reappear unless the supply is threatened.

It is the turn of the Wunderkind mask. Its goal is to allow the narcissist to establish some emotional involvement without suffering the results of an assured ultimate narcissistic injury or trauma. Again this underlying falsity, this infantilism, provoke rejection, the dismantling of the narcissist's social frameworks and groups, and the abandonment of the narcissist by friends and colleagues.

To summarise:

The narcissist has a post-traumatic personality with a tough, sadistic, and rigidly punishing ideal Superego (SEGO).

This contributes to the weakening and subsequent disintegration of the True Ego (TEGO).

The same pathology makes the narcissist create a "mask": the False Ego (FEGO).

Its aim is to ensure emotional autarky (self-sufficiency) and to avoid inevitable emotional injuries.

The FEGO prefers adulation, attention, or even fear to a mature adult love relationship.

FEGO is responsible to obtain PNSS and SNSS.

Adulation is secured by displaying superior qualities: intellect and knowledge, in the case of the cerebral narcissist - physical and sexual prowess in the case of his somatic counterpart.

Love and intimacy are perceived as threats by both types of narcissists.

When the target selected by the FEGO is successfully converted into a Narcissistic Source of Supply (NSS) and does not abandon ship after the first few encounters - the narcissist begins to develop a kind of emotional correlate (attachment) and there is some affective investment in the object.

But this attachment comes with a corollary: guaranteed hurt in the future. The narcissist's sadistic SEGO always attacks the object and makes it abandon the narcissist. The SEGO does it to punish the narcissist.

Anticipating this painful and (potentially) life-threatening phase, the narcissist activates another mask: the Wunderkind mask. This mask does allow for emotions to infiltrate the narcissistic fortress while maintaining impenetrable and successful defences against emotional injury.

Put together, though, these masks cause the very conflicts that they are intended to prevent, the very losses that they are intended to fend off, the very dysphoria, which they were supposed to eliminate.

Their combined actions lead to the necessity to allocate libido to FEGO to obtain new PNSS and SNSS - and the cycle begins anew.

Mental Map # 9

SEGO (ideal, sadistic, tough, punishing, offensive)
interacts with a HYPERCONSTRUCT one
of whose components is: the TEGO (really a child).
The SEGO interacts with TEGO
by exporting to the TEGO its aggression
and importing from it obsessive-compulsive behaviours.
SEGO employs EIPM to ensure punishment through loss and hurt.
Another component of the Hyperconstruct is the FEGO.
FEGO employs the intellect and an array of defence mechanisms.
FEGO imports libido from the ID (another component of the Hyperconstruct).
FEGO imports drives from the ID.
FEGO exports PNSSs and SNSSs to the OBJECTS
(partner, spouse, business, money, friends, social framework, etc.).
FEGO imports hurt-free losses from OBJECTS
(the hurt is neutralised by initiating these losses and abandonment).
FEGO ("Wonder") and TEGO ("Boy") form Wonderboy, a Mask.
The WUNDERKIND MASK deflects the hurt
provoked by the SEGO following losses and abandonment.
When PNSSs/SNSSs are lost, FEGO experiences
Loss Dysphoria and Deficiency Dysphoria.
FEGO activates the Reactive Repertoire to escape the hurt.
Libido is allocated to FEGO to look for new PNSSs and SNSSs.

But what happens if the NSSs (spouse, workplace) insist upon having a meaningful emotional involvement (e.g., the spouse insists upon being loved and upon more intimacy)?

In other words, what happens if someone close wants to penetrate the masks, to see what is (rather who is) behind them?

At this stage the Wunderkind mask is already active. It allows the narcissist to receive without giving, or investing, emotionally. But if the mask is bombarded with emotional demands from the outside, it ceases to function. It becomes a perfect child on the one hand (totally helpless and frightened) and a perfect, machine-like, genius on the other hand (with a defective reality test). The weakening of the mask permits direct contact between SEGO and object, which is subjected now to transformations of aggression.

The object is stunned by the apparently inexplicable change in the narcissist's mood and behaviour. It tries to weather the storm in the hope that this is a transient phenomenon. Only when the aggression persists does the object abandon the narcissist, thus causing a severe narcissistic injury and forcing upon the narcissist a painful transition to the new situation in which he is devoid of his SNSS. The object flees the SEGO. The narcissist is left feeling very envious of the object because she can avoid the monster that lurks inside him.

The failure of the masks means full emotional involvement, SEGO-originated aggression, and the certainty of abandonment with a full-fledged narcissistic injury, which could even threaten the narcissist's life.

Another thing to learn from this model is how the narcissist's attitude to objects changes when he senses a dwindling of the PNSS. The narcissist begins then to rely more heavily on the supply accumulated by the SNSS. He rehashes and recycles the information regarding his accomplishments and his grand moments stored in the SNSS's memory until they have lost most of their freshness and meaning.

As no new supply is forthcoming because of the gradual disappearance of PNSS, the reservoir is not replenished and becomes stale. The FEGO becomes weakened and undernourished. Its growing infirmity allows for a direct contact between SEGO and objects. This has the same consequences as before. Only this time the SEGO's aggression is directed at the TEGO as well.

SEGO and the Hyperconstruct (which is the TEGO, the FEGO, the ID, together with the Wunderkind mask) are engaged in constant, energy consuming, warfare to obtain access to objects. The Hyperconstruct gains the upper hand when the FEGO is fortified by Narcissistic Supply coming from a variety of PNSSs and SNSSs.

When SEGO wins, a deep emotional involvement is formed, anxiety is aroused because of the anticipation of the SEGO's future sadistic actions, and the narcissist engages in compulsive acts to channel the anxiety and to neutralise it. SEGO directs aggression and its transformations at the objects and they react by fighting back, injuring the narcissist in the process. Finally the objects, hurt and dejected, abandon the narcissist, or the common framework (the business, the workplace, the family unit), or change to such a degree that it amounts to emotional abandonment.

The FEGO then experiences a thorough and hazardous narcissistic injury.

To avoid the emotional consequences of a possible victory of the SEGO, the Hyperconstruct activates a series of mechanisms, attitudes, and behaviour patterns. They are all intended to assist the narcissist in "keeping his distance" in order to protect him from emotional hurt. The Wunderkind mask causes a considerable (and discernible) infantilisation of the narcissist and a gradual loss of his grasp on reality. When the objects abandon him, the narcissistic injury is thus made more tolerable.

But there is a deeply embedded conflict in the narcissist's personality.

The SEGO craves for meaningful emotional involvement. Its externalised aggression transformations are most effective precisely when the narcissist is emotionally involved. The effectiveness of its punishment is thus enhanced and the pain is bound to be larger and life threatening.

Deep inside, the SEGO "believes" that the narcissist does not deserve to live. The aggression that the narcissist transforms and stores is of lethal proportions. In his childhood, the narcissist wanted the most sacred figures in his life dead and he believes that he deserves to die for it. The SEGO is a constant reminder of this and, thus, it is the narcissist's executioner.

The Hyperconstruct is assembled by the narcissist at a very early stage in his life precisely to confront this kind of self-destructive impulse. While the self-loathing cannot be eliminated - it can at least be ameliorated and its consequences can be prevented.

The Hyperconstruct protects the narcissist from being emotionally devastated, from carrying the consequences of inevitable betrayal and abandonment too far. It achieves this by putting a distance between the narcissist and his objects so that when the predictable abandonment transpires it is less intolerable. It prevents emotional involvement to avoid potentially dangerous reactions to abandonment.

When the Hyperconstruct weakens (because of the insistence of an object to get emotionally involved), or diverted (when most of the libido is dedicated to look for PNSS), or when the PNSS reservoir is dilapidated - emotional involvement does develop together with transformed aggression directed at the object and which can be traced back to the SEGO.

The fate of the narcissist's relationships is preordained. The behavioural pair "emotional involvement-aggression" is constant and it always leads to abandonment. Only two components can be regulated in this trio (emotional involvement - aggression - abandonment) and they are emotional involvement and abandonment. The narcissist can choose to precipitate and anticipate an act of abandonment by initiating it - or he can choose to fight against emotional involvement and thus avoid being aggressive.

The Hyperconstruct does this by employing a series of ingeniously deceptive Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures (EIPM).

Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures

Personality and Conduct

Lack of enthusiasm, anhedonia, and constant boredom
A wish to "vary", to "be free", to hop from one subject matter or object to another
Laziness, constantly present fatigue
Dysphoria to the point of depression leads to reclusiveness, detachment, low energies
Repression of the affect and uniform emotional "hues"
Self-hatred disables capacity to love or to develop emotional involvement
Externalised transformations of aggression:
Envy, rage, cynicism, vulgar honesty, black humour
(all lead to disintimisation and distancing and to pathological emotional and sexual communication)
Narcissistic compensatory and defence mechanisms:
Grandiosity and grandiose fantasies
(Feelings of) uniqueness
Lack of empathy, or the existence of functional empathy, or empathy by proxy
Demands for adoration and adulation
A feeling that he deserves everything ("entitlement")
Exploitation of objects
Objectification/symbolisation (abstraction) and fictionalisation of objects
Manipulative behaviour
(using personal charm, ability to psychologically penetrate the object, ruthlessness,
and knowledge and information regarding the object obtained, largely, by interacting with the object)
Intellectualisation through generalisation, differentiation and categorisation of objects
Feelings of omnipotence and omniscience
Perfectionism and performance anxiety (repressed)
These mechanisms lead to emotional substitution
(adulation and adoration instead of love),
to the distancing and repulsion of objects, to disintimisation
(not possible to interact with the "real" narcissist).

The results:
Narcissistic vulnerability to narcissistic injury
(more bearable than emotional vulnerability and can be more easily recovered from)
"Becoming a child" and infantilism
(the narcissist's inner dialogue: "No one will hurt me",
"I am a child and I am loved unconditionally, unreservedly, non-judgementally, and disinterestedly")
Adults don't expect such unconditional love and acceptance
and they constitute a barrier to mature, adult relationships.
Intensive denial of reality (perceived by others as innocence, naivete, or pseudo-stupidity)
Constant lack of confidence concerning matters not under full control
leads to hostility towards objects and towards emotions.
Compulsive behaviours intended to neutralise a high level of anxiety

and compulsive seeking of love substitutes (money, prestige, power)

Instincts and Drives

The Cerebral Narcissist

Sexual abstinence, low frequency of sexual activity lead to less emotional involvement.
Frustration of emotional objects through sex avoidance encourages abandonment by the object.
Sexual disintimisation by preferring autoerotic,
anonymous sex with immature or incompatible objects
(who do not represent an emotional threat or pose demands).
Sporadic sex with long intervals and drastic alterations of sexual behaviour patterns.
Dissociation of pleasure centres:
Pleasure avoidance (unless "for and on behalf" of the object)
Refraining from child rearing or family formation
Using the object as an "alibi" not to form new sexual and emotional liaisons,
extreme marital and monogamous faithfulness,
to the point of ignoring all other objects leads to object inertia.
This mechanism defends the narcissist from the need to make contact with other objects.
Sexual frigidity with significant other and sexual abstinence with others.

The Somatic Narcissist

The somatic narcissist treats others as sex objects or sex slaves or masturbatory aides.

High frequency of unemotional sex, lacking in intimacy and warmth.

Object Relations

Manipulative attitudes, which in conjunction with feelings of
omnipotence and omniscience, create a mystique of infallibility and immunity.
Partial reality test
Social friction leads to social sanctions (up to imprisonment)
Refraining from intimacy
Absence of emotional investment or presence
Reclusive life, avoiding neighbours, family (both nuclear and extended), spouse and friends
The narcissist is often a schizoid
Active misogyny (women-hatred) with sadistic and anti-social elements
Narcissistic dependence serves as substitute for emotional involvement
Immature emotional dependence and habit
Object interchangeability
(dependence upon ANY object - not upon a specific object).
Limitation of contacts with objects to material and "cold" transactions
The narcissist prefers fear, adulation, admiration and narcissistic accumulation to love.
To the narcissist, objects have no autonomous existence except as PNSSs and SNSSs
(Primary and Secondary Sources of Narcissistic Supply).
Knowledge and intelligence serve as control mechanisms and
extractors of adulation and attention (Narcissistic Supply).
The object is used to re-enact early life conflicts:
The narcissist is bad and asks to be punished anew
and thus obtain confirmation that people are angry at him.
The object is kept emotionally distant through deterrence
and is constantly tested by the narcissist who reveals his negative sides to the object.
The aim of negative, off-putting behaviours is to check whether
the narcissist's uniqueness will override and offset them in the mind of the object.
The object experiences emotional absence, repulsion, deterrence and insecurity.
It is thus encouraged not to develop emotional involvement with the narcissist
(emotional involvement requires a positive emotional feedback).
The erratic and demanding relationship with the narcissist
is experienced as an energy-depleting burden.
It is punctuated by a series of "eruptions" followed by relief.
The narcissist is imposing, intrusive, compulsive and tyrannical.
Reality is interpreted cognitively so that negative aspects,
real and imagined, of the object are highlighted.
This preserves the emotional distance between the narcissist and his objects,
fosters uncertainty, prevents emotional involvement
and activates narcissistic mechanisms (such as grandiosity)
which, in turn, increase the repulsion and the aversion of the partner.
The narcissist claims to have chosen the object because of an error/circumstances/
pathology/loss of control/immaturity/partial or false information, etc.

Functioning and Performance

A grandiosity shift:

A preference to be emotionally invested in grandiose career-related fantasies
in which the narcissist does not have to face practical, rigorous and consistent demands.
The narcissist avoids success in order to avoid emotional involvement and investment.
He shuns success because it obliges him to follow through
and to identify himself with some goal or group.
He emphasises areas of activity in which he is unlikely to succeed.
The narcissist ignores the future and does not plan.
Thus he is never emotionally committed.
The narcissist invests the necessary minimum in his job (emotionally).
He is not thorough and under-performs, his work is shoddy and defective or partial.
He evades responsibility and tends to pass it on to others while exercising little control.
His decision-making processes are ossified and rigid
(he presents himself as a man of "principles" - usually referring to his whims and moods).
The narcissist reacts very slowly to a changing environment (change is painful).
He is a pessimist, knows that he will lose his job/business -
so, he is constantly engaged in seeking alternatives and constructing plausible alibis.
This yields a feeling of temporariness, which prevents engagement, involvement,
commitment, dedication, identification and emotional hurt in case of change or failure.

The alternative to having a spouse/companion:

Solitary life (with vigorous emphasis on PNSS) or frequent changes of partners.
Serial vocations prevent the narcissist from having a clear career path
and obviate the need to persevere.
All the initiatives adopted by the narcissist are egocentric, sporadic and discrete
(they focus on one skill or trait of the narcissist, are randomly distributed in space and in time,
and do not form a thematic or other continuum - they are not goal or objective oriented).
Sometimes, as a substitute, the narcissist engages in performance shifting:
He comes up with imaginary, invented goals with no correlation to reality and its constraints.
To avoid facing performance tests and to maintain grandiosity and uniqueness
the narcissist refrains from acquiring skills and training
(such as a driver's licence, technical skills, any systematic - academic or non-academic - knowledge).
The "child" in the narcissist is reaffirmed this way - because he avoids adult activities and attributes.
The gap between the image projected by the narcissist
(charisma, unusual knowledge, grandiosity, fantasies)
and his actual achievements - create in him permanent feelings that he is a crook,
a hustler, that his life is unreal life and movie-like (derealisation and depersonalisation).
This gives rise to ominous feelings of imminent threat and, concurrently,
to compensatory assertions of immunity and omnipotence.
The narcissist is forced to become a manipulator.

Locations and Environment

A feeling of not belonging and of detachment
Bodily discomfiture (the body feels as depersonalised, alien and a nuisance,
its needs are totally ignored, its signals re-routed and re-interpreted, its maintenance neglected)
Keeping his distance from relevant communities

(his neighbourhood, coreligionists, his nation and countrymen)

Disavowing his religion, his ethnic background, his friends
The narcissist often adopts the stance of a "scientist-observer".
This is narcissistic detachment -
the feeling that he is a director or an actor in a movie about his own life.
The narcissist avoids "emotional handles":
photographs, music identified with a certain period in his life,
familiar places, people he knew, mementoes and emotional situations.
The narcissist lives on borrowed time in a borrowed life.
Every place and period are transitory and lead to the next, unfamiliar environment.
The narcissist feels that the end is near.
He lives in rented apartments, is an illegal alien, is fully mobile on a short notice,
does not buy real estate or immovables.
He travels light and he likes to travel.
He is peripatetic and itinerant.
The narcissist cultivates feelings of incompatibility with his surroundings.
He considers himself superior to others and keeps criticising people, institutions and situations.
The above behaviour patterns constitute a denial of reality.
The narcissist defines a rigid, impenetrable, personal territory
and is physically revolted when it is breached.

The narcissist does get sometimes emotionally attached to his money and to his belongings, though.

Money and possessions represent power, they are love substitutes, they are mobile and disposable on short notice. They constitute an inseparable part of a Pathological Narcissistic Space and are a determinant of FEGO. The narcissist assimilates them and identifies with them. This is why he is so traumatised by their loss or depreciation. They provide him with the certainty and safety that he feels nowhere else. They are familiar, predictable, and controllable. There is no danger involved in emotionally investing in them.

Suzanne Forward distinguishes the narcissist from the sadist, the sociopath and the misogynist with respect to their attitudes towards women. She says that the narcissist "goes through" many women in order to replenish his SNSS (to convert her words to my terminology).

The narcissist lives with his spouse only as long as she fully caters to his narcissistic needs through accumulation and adoration. The narcissist's misogyny and his sadism are a result of his fear of being abandoned (the recreation of earlier traumas) and not the result of his narcissism. A narcissist with an ideal, sadistic, rigid, primitive, and punishing Superego inevitably becomes antisocial and lacking in morals and in conscience.

Here lies the difference. The narcissist treats women the way he does in order to weaken them and to make them dependent on him so as to prevent them from abandoning him. He uses a variety of techniques to undermine the sources of his partner's strengths: her healthy sexuality, supportive family, thriving career, self-esteem and self-image, sound mental health, proper reality test, good friends, and social circle.

Once deprived of all these, the narcissist remains his partner's only available source of authority, interest, meaning, feeling and hope. A woman thus denuded of her network of support is highly unlikely to abandon the narcissist. Her state of dependence is fostered by his unpredictable behaviours, which cause her to react with fear and phobic hesitation.

The narcissist needs women and that's why he hates them. It is his dependence on women that he resents and detests. The misogynist hates women, humiliates them, scorns them and despises them - but he does not need them.

One last point: sex leads to intimacy. However minimal this intimacy is, the narcissist is bound to experience as abandonment every interruption of a sexual relationship. He feels lonely and annulled. This has to do with the absence of the SNSS's defining look. The longing is so great that the narcissist is driven to finding a substitute. This substitute is another SNSS.

Each narcissist has a profile of his preferred SNSS. It reflects the predilections of the narcissist and the matrix of his pathological needs. But a few things are common to all potential women SNSS:

They must not be garrulous, they must be slow, inferior in some important respect, submissive, with an aesthetic appearance, intelligent but passive, admiring, emotionally available, dependent and either simple or femme fatale. They are not the narcissist's type if they are critical, independently thinking, demonstrate superiority, sophistication, personal autonomy, or provide unsolicited advice or opinions. The narcissist forms no relationships with such women.

Having spotted the "right profile", the narcissist sees if he is sexually attracted to the woman. If he is, he proceeds to condition her using a variety of measures: sex, money, assumption of responsibilities, fostering sexual, emotional, existential and operational uncertainties (followed by bouts of relief on her part as conflicts are resolved), grandiose gestures, expressions of interest, of need and of dependence (mistakenly interpreted by the woman to mean deep emotions), grandiose plans, idealisation, demonstrations of unlimited trust (but no sharing of decision making powers), encouraging feelings of uniqueness and of pseudo-intimacy, and childlike behaviour.

Dependence is formed and a new SNSS is born.

The last phase is the SNSS transaction. The narcissist extracts from his partner adulation, narcissistic accumulation and submissiveness. In turn, he undertakes to continue to condition his partner using the same measures. Concurrently, he activates the Wunderkind mask in anticipation of abandonment.

In this sort of relationship, the narcissist does not ensure stability, emotional or sexual exclusivity, or emotional and spiritual sharing. He is not intimate with his partner and there is no real exchange of trust, information, experience, or opinions. Such relationships are limited to sexual compatibility, common decision-making, long-term planning, and common property. Narcissists rarely have children with their spouses - rather they make children for their spouses.

All this leads to the inevitable: a dilapidation of the energy of the SNSS (who keeps giving of herself emotionally without receiving much in return), pain and hurt, the end of sexual and emotional exclusivity and abandonment.

The narcissist always prefers a woman to any other type of SNSS (example: to business). She requires less long-term investment and is easier to "train". Moreover, she is often motivated to be conditioned. She wants to supply the narcissist and, thus, to keep the flame burning.

The world of business, in contrast, is indifferent to the narcissist and to his often marginal activities. Additionally, women are far better at reliably regulating the narcissist's flow of Narcissistic Supply.

Both functions (stabilisation-accumulation and adulation) are thus found in one and the same NSS - a woman. This allows the narcissist to focus his efforts on a single object. Naturally, this creates greater dependence and greater risk of abandonment but the savings in energy are worth it as far as the narcissist is concerned.

next:  Chapter 9, The Soul of a Narcissist, The State of the Art

The Concepts of Narcissistic Accumulation and Narcissistic Regulation

Chapter Seven

The narcissist derives his Narcissistic Supply from PNSSs and SNSSs (Primary and Secondary Narcissistic Supply Sources). But this supply is used by the narcissist much the same as one uses perishable goods.

He has to replenish this supply and, as is the case with other drug addictions, he has to increase the dosage as he goes. He uses the supply to substitute for certain ego functions (example: to regulate his self-esteem and sense of self-worth).

While the narcissist uses up his supply, his partner accumulates it by serving as a silent witness to the narcissist's accomplishments and moments of grandeur.

When the narcissist has a spouse or girlfriend, for instance, he can use her to supplement his Narcissistic Supply (NS). To him, she represents a multipurpose instrument. She is both a SNSS and a reservoir of NS. We limit the following discussion to a female mate because, usually, she is a mother substitute, a mock Primary Object and meaningful other. But the function of the accumulation of NS is performed by all SNSSs, male or female, inanimate or social.

To elucidate this matter further, let us study an example:

A narcissist becomes a celebrity and his partner is witness to his meteoric rise as a media star. She constitutes living proof of his moments of glory. In a way, to her, he remains famous forever and she constitutes a constant, reliable Source of Narcissistic Supply. She is always there to adore him and reflect his erstwhile fame, even after it had long faded.

Being with a partner reduces the narcissist's need to pursue other NSSs. Thus, it reduces his motivation to generate NSSs through creative activities. Narcissists create exclusively in the pursuit of NSSs (which garners them attention, adulation, publicity, and recognition). They create not because they love to or are compelled to do so.

The narcissist dedicates a lot of energy to managing his portfolio of NSSs. He invests his objects with instincts. We can say that there is a narcissistic libidinal cathexis when the narcissist invests libido in his self (Reserved Libido) instead of investing it in objects, in creative activities, in real achievements, in writing, or in business, in short: in the real world out there (Residual Libido).

This explains why the narcissist is so disinterested in others, lacks empathy, is indifferent to emotionally invested sex, prefers autoerotic and exhibitionist sex, etc. A huge amount of libido is invested in trying to "break through", "prove to them", and "be the biggest and bigger than life". Because the amount of libido available to any individual is limited (Freud's concept of the economy of the libido) not much is left for meaningful psychosexual interactions, for creativity, and for the task of maturely confronting the world on its own terms.

The Reserved Libido is initially used up in the process of attaining goals and for acts of creativity. These are meant to facilitate the formation and maintenance of NSSs. But once this overriding goal is achieved and NSSs are formed, part of the Reserved Libido is no longer needed (Free Libido).

The reason some libido is freed is because NSSs substitute for certain libido functions. This is not to give the impression that the narcissist is an efficient user of libido. On the contrary, the allocation of his energy resources is completely distorted by the need to direct libido towards his self and by the need to maintain a hot pursuit of NSSs. The narcissist's libido functions under a narcissistic constraint: obtain NSS!

The narcissist uses the Free Libido and directs it at objects. But the quantity of Free Libido fluctuates unpredictably. Whenever the NSS dwindle, the Free Libido is expropriated and transformed into Residual Libido. It is then used to replenish the NSS. The Free Libido is also used to transform the partner into a NSS.

This scheme of allocation of various types of libido explains a few phenomena.

The narcissist loses his drive and his creativity when he finds a partner. Partly, this is what Freud called "sublimation". The partner consumes the Free Libido and thus reduces the total amount of Residual Libido available to the narcissist. Gradually, a new equilibrium is reached.

The reduced Residual Libido is not sufficient to create new NSS. The remaining Free Libido is then enlisted and is transformed into Residual Libido. The relationship with the partner is severely damaged, to the point of abandonment, because there remains no Free Libido to sustain it.

Creativity and achievement (NSSs) are hampered by the diversion of Free Libido to the partner. Once the partner is gone, the Residual Libido - strengthened by the now available Free Libido - finds new NSS and thus allows the narcissist to develop a new relationship, as doomed to failure as its predecessors.

The narcissist finds it easier to enter a relationship when NSSs are abundant because NSSs are libidinal substitutes. By fulfilling libidinal functions they free a part of the Residual Libido (the type of libido engaged in obta

This is the reason that the narcissist prefers to be loved due to and following narcissistic circumstances. The partner is bound to fulfil the role of accumulation of Narcissistic Supply better that way. She is more likely to become a permanent NSS, thus allowing for the stable diversion of Free Libido towards the sustenance of the relationship.

The trade-off in the narcissist's relationships is a reduction in the overall Residual Libido, in the narcissist's creativity, in his drive to achieve (ambition) and even in the formation and maintenance of new NSS.

Mental Map # 5

This could help clear a few misconceptions:

1. The narcissist does not try to be successful and famous in order to "make it" with women. Success with the objects of sexual desire is a pleasant by-product due to the formation of Free Libido.

2. The narcissist cannot be blamed for not being able to do both things simultaneously - maintain a relationship and succeed in his job, for instance. He has a very limited amount of available libido.

3. To the narcissist, sex is imbued with emotion. Some narcissists tend to label sex as "dirty" and "degrading". It carries with it the possibility of abandonment and the negation of the narcissist's uniqueness. Sex could lead to a relationship of dependence from which the narcissist is unable to extract himself. The narcissist does not have any interest in sex devoid of a narcissistic correlate. Even then his interest in conventional mating is low.

Cerebral narcissists regard the risk to reward ratio involved in sex as high. Too great an investment is needed compared to the reward and this also entails a disruption of the creation of PNSS.

Sex, of course, is a peak of intimacy and the narcissist is afraid of closeness, even in a casual relationship. Some narcissists are, therefore, described as asexual or frigid.

4. PNSS and SNSS are linked by association in clusters. Libido is directed at these clusters and complex behaviours can be easily explained by mapping the interconnectedness of PNSS and SNSS within the clusters and the relationships between the clusters themselves.

5. A long absence of PNSS and an inability to divert the Free Libido to search for additional sources (because of an existing relationship) lead to narcissistic frustration and to aggression. This frustration-aggression cycle brings about the breakdown of the relationship.

Mental Map # 6

But why does the narcissist "prefer" NSS to a relationship? Why not the other way around? After all, a woman partner can fulfil most of the functions of a NSS more reliably and more believably. We are forced to conclude that the narcissist's optimisation algorithms have gone astray, that something has gone awry with his rational apparatus.

This perturbance is called the Superego.

The narcissist has a sadistic and punishing Superego. Quite like his Ego, the narcissist's Superego is primitive (Ideal Superego). The narcissist's aggression, for reasons which we have elaborated upon earlier, is directed at his self instead of at objects outside himself. It is closely associated with his libido.

The narcissistic personality has four elements (in lieu of three). There is the Superego (SEGO), which punishes the narcissist for the deeds and misdeeds of his False Ego (FEGO). There is also the degenerated True Ego (TEGO), which does not function. Then there is a classical, unaffected ID - but it is not reined in by a functioning EGO.

There is no effective mediation between the narcissist's personality and reality and the narcissist is unable to postpone gratification and the immediate satisfaction of desires and of drives. The narcissist's personality is disjointed (not integrated) and its parts are incommunicado. The only integrating element is the SEGO, which keeps in touch with all the disparate segments.

Mental Map # 7

The sources of the narcissist's self-destructive urges are in

the interactions SEGO-TEGO and SEGO-FEGO.

SEGO is the main cause of self-destruction.

The narcissistic defence mechanisms are all embedded in FEGO together with a libidinal investment.

SEGO punishes the narcissist for what FEGO does. But the punishment is felt by TEGO. FEGO is very primitive emotionally. It is binary: I feel good/bad or I have/do not have (Narcissistic Supply).

This split between the nominally punished (FEGO) and the structure which really experiences the punishment (TEGO) creates within the narcissist feelings of paranoia and injustice. He feels punished having done nothing wrong.

The libido is invested in the SELF and is intended to secure PNSSs. When these are secured, the libido is re-directed to objects (SNSSs) whose functions are to provide Narcissistic Supply (adulation) and narcissistic memory (through accumulation).

Moreover, the narcissist tries to modify his environment to make it conducive to his narcissistic needs.

He creates a Pathological Narcissistic Space (PN Space). This is a geographical area, a group of people, or an abstract field of knowledge in which the narcissistic pathology attains its maximum expression. The FEGO's boundaries overlap the geographical ones and the PN Space becomes the FEGO's domain and hunting grounds.

This domain is typically confined to the workplace, the family residence, and to a few other select locations (school, university, the homes of some friends, a political party headquarters, a club). But some narcissists use fame and celebrity to enlarge their PN Space. The various defence mechanisms (part of the FEGO) expand together with the FEGO to operate in all the territory of the PN Space. The existence of the PN Space is independent of the existence of PNSSs and SNSSs.

Put differently, the very existence of the PN Space and its characteristics are not altered or affected by the fluctuations in Narcissistic Supply (NS) which are a function of the availability of PNSSs and of SNSSs. A narcissist can, for instance, cease to be famous and still feel a narcissistic pathology throughout the PN Space (but not outside its borders).

The PN Space constantly consumes and drains NS. It has a function of negative accumulation of NS (a "sink").

PNSSs and SNSSs balance this negative accumulation by constantly providing the narcissist with NS and positive accumulation, respectively.

To recap: the PN Space is a geographical area, a group of people, or an abstract field of knowledge in which the narcissistic pathology reaches its full expression and effectiveness. The PN Space is, really, a territorially expanded FEGO. The expansion is achieved through PNSSs.

As far as narcissists in positions of authority go, a level of fame or notoriety is achieved through the media in a given territory, or by projecting power or wisdom or wealth onto a territorially bound group of people.

The Pathological Narcissistic Space has a few characteristics:

1. It is ubiquitous (all-pervasive) - it applies throughout the entirety of a homogeneous territory (a political, social, functional, cultural, or lingual unit with clear boundaries).

2. It has a critical mass - It is independent of the quality and identity of the Supply Sources. Example: the narcissist does not have to be famous among a specific, elite group of people. Any publicity and recognition will do, providing that a certain quantitative critical mass is reached.

3. It is size indifferent - The PN Space does not have to have a minimum size.

4. It is a derivative of PNSS - It cannot be derived from SNSSs. The latter only serve to regulate the flow of NS. Their role is to prevent a net loss (negative accumulation) of NS in the PN Space.

5. It is constant - Once created, the PN Space is independent of its sources (the PNSSs) and its stabilisers (SNSSs) and continues to exist regardless. It continues to exist even in the absence of NSSs of any sort.

6. It generates negative Narcissistic Accumulation - The very existence of the PN Space generates a negative accumulation of NS. The spatialisation of the FEGO drastically increases the quantity of NS needed and provided by PNSSs and SNSSs. The larger the PN Space - the more NSSs are needed.

A narcissist whose PN Space is "the family", for instance, consumes much less Narcissistic Supply than a narcissist whose PN Space is "the country" or "literary works in the English language".

These properties of the PN Space are also the attributes of the FEGO. It too is a product of some critical mass of observers, it is equally fed by PNSSs, stabilised by SNSSs, is constant and independent of the availability of NS. It too requires constant NS - which proves that it too generates a negative accumulation of NS. A PN Space is merely a spatialised FEGO. Every FEGO develops a FEGO Field - its own, private PN Space in which it operates optimally (or, at least, strives to do so).

With time, the narcissist abandons the PN Space as he abandons other meaningful things in his life. The narcissist attaches a PN Space to every geographical or functional human unit in which he operates (his family, his workplace, his friends, his profession). He then neutralises his emotional investments in these PN Spaces by using Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures (EIPM). This leads to estrangement, alienation, hard feelings and, ultimately, abandonment.

One of the reasons the narcissist forms a PN Space is because it makes it easier for him to obtain SNSSs. It is safe for him to assume that every subsystem of the PN Space possesses an SNSS profile. Where a PN Space does not exist, an SNSS profile has to be created first.

In other words: it is easier for the narcissist to find a girlfriend or to establish a business in a PN Space in which he is already known. Otherwise he has to "establish an SNSS profile", that is to introduce and to promote himself. A PN Space is the equivalent of having a good reputation or being well-known, which make it easier for the narcissist to locate NSSs.

The negative accumulation, which characterises the PN Space, creates a Grandiosity Gap. This is a gap between reality and the by-products of the various narcissistic defence mechanisms (such as the grandiose fantasies and the idealisations). There is always a very discernible and sizeable abyss between what the narcissist imagines himself (and those dear to him) to be - and the much less exhilarating reality.

These gaps are overcome by the constant infusion of Narcissistic Supply. When there is a drain on this supply (as happens with the introduction of a new PN Space), the gaps can no longer be bridged and devaluation sets in. The narcissist berates himself and all the people that he is in touch with. By doing so he hopes to narrow the glaring gap between what he says about himself and what he really is.

Another result of this yawning gap is the uncontrollable urge to obtain NSSs (objects). This is how the primary drive to find PNSS develops. But, as we know, in the absence of SNSS, Grandiosity Gaps again develop in the PN Space (even in the presence of PNSS).

The two cycles of Narcissistic Supply emerge:

1. PNSS - Overvaluation - a PN Space Grandiosity Gap - Devaluation - Primary Drive to obtain PNSS - obtaining PNSS - Narcissistic Supply.

2. Grandiosity Gap - Secondary drive to obtain SNSS - obtaining SNSS - stabilisation, regulation and accumulation of Narcissistic Supply - Overvaluation - and so on and so forth.

Mental Map # 8

Notes and remarks to the map:

1. The partner fulfils the function of Narcissistic Accumulation by serving as a kind of external memory available and accessible to the narcissist. This ready supply encourages his addiction and enhances it.

The partner herself is an SNSS. She provides Narcissistic Supply through adulation, submissiveness and by making the narcissist feel that he is superior. Thus, she fortifies his feeling of being unique.

2. Sometimes the partner ceases to fulfil her SNSS functions (ceases to admire the narcissist, or to stabilise his NS by acting as an external, living witness to his grand moments and exploits). This also happens when the partner is not sophisticated or educated enough to provide the narcissist with meaningful admiration (adulation which does not sound hollow or contrived). She then provides defective or partial accumulation.

Another possibility is when "familiarity breeds contempt". The physical proximity between the narcissist and his sources eliminates the information gap (mystique), the affective asymmetry, and the source's emotional ability to admire the narcissist. This is the most realistic threat posed by intimacy.

Non-functioning or dysfunctional SNSSs are caused by the loss of information asymmetry (loss of the elements of distance and mystery which are a prerequisite to any adulation). The narcissist much prefers admiration to intimacy and he often finds that the latter negates the former.

3. When there are no PNSSs around, there is nothing to admire or to accumulate. The presence of PNSSs forms an addictive habit, which facilitates the existence of constant SNSSs. The latter regulate the flow of NSSs over time. They smooth the bumps in the supply curve. When rendered non-functioning, the SNSSs really become anti-narcissistic agents. The "dysfunctional" partner's mere presence is a constant reminder of the narcissist's failure to sustain a flow of NS through the PNSSs.

The partner in such a (narcissistically) sorry state becomes a passive anti-narcissistic agent. Her accumulated past Narcissistic Supply provokes a deficiency dysphoria in the narcissist. When he compares his current situation (obscurity, for instance) with his past (fame), as evidenced and accumulated by the SNSSs, he becomes dysphoric. He feels how deficient his NS is at this stage.

The partner is also transformed into an active anti-narcissistic agent by criticising the narcissist and by humiliating him. This is part and parcel of the transference relationship and of the recreation of the Oedipal Conflict.

This, naturally, leads to the erosion of intimacy.

In many ways the narcissist's relationships are booby-trapped. On the one hand, he wants to have a sophisticated, educated, independent, and accomplished woman to be his partner. Only adulation which emanates from such a source has any meaning at all. But the likelihood of finding such a partner who would also be willing to fulfil the SNSS functions (adulation, submissiveness, playing the inferior so as to accentuate the narcissist's superiority) is minimal.

On the other hand, the narcissist finds interpersonal relationships impossible when the function of accumulation is not provided by his partner and when she fails to provide him with constant adulation and submissiveness. Yet, the partner is not likely to provide these things when there are no PNSS available or when she is intimate with the narcissist.

The main narcissistic defence mechanism (grandiose self) and its parallel energy mechanism (Reserved Libido invested in the self) preclude real, lasting interpersonal relationships. Proximity and intimacy endanger the grandiose self. Knowing the narcissist intimately, the partner is unlikely to continue to submissively provide him with accumulation and adulation and to continue to play the "I am inferior - you are superior" game. The narcissist cannot allocate enough Free Libido to invest in an emotional and sexual partner that is not a SNSS.

The narcissist's personality maintains an equilibrium at a minimal level of energy investment. All his mental processes are on the path of least resistance. The narcissist prefers means that do lead to PNSS but consume the least energy on the way there. An example that we used before is now further elucidated:

If works of art or intellect created by the narcissist long ago supply him with all the PNSSs that he requires - he ceases to create. His drive to create is not a primary drive. It is an instrument in the never-ending quest for PNSS. He can easily abstain from creating if the (high) level of Narcissistic Supply he obtains regularly does not warrant it.

But this is only one part of a larger picture.

There is a constant battle going on between the TEGO and the much stronger SEGO. When TEGO is marginally strengthened the emphasis shifts to SNSSs (mate, work). The result is a shortage of PNSSs and narcissistic frustration.

The narcissist is a man of extremes. He does not properly balance his energy and his needs, maybe because he is not aware of the latter. So he allocates all his resources to a single task, neglecting the others.

FEGO is now activated. Using aggression received from SEGO, FEGO leads to a situation in which TEGO is no longer able to express or manifest itself. Put plainly: FEGO creates circumstances which make it impossible for the narcissist to find a partner and to live with her or to find a job which does not yield Primary Narcissistic Supply (PNS).

The narcissist experiences this mental putsch in the form of a sudden negative reaction to women and to "unglamorous", "no limelight", unexciting workplaces and jobs. He is likely to act out and permanently damage his relationship with a significant other or in a promising job.

To reiterate: the narcissist regards other people (and society at large) as mere Narcissistic Sources of Supply (functions). When someone is thought of as a function - he or she is abstracted, transformed into a symbol. Symbols are easily interchangeable - and so are Sources of Supply.

Some narcissists - in specific phases of his pathology - refrain even from the direct handling of what they regard as mere symbols. In other words, they decline to make and maintain contact with human beings as individuals and with society as a whole. It is a strange kind of reclusiveness. This kind of narcissist may be outwardly outgoing, gregarious, successful, and famous - but inwardly he is an autarkic hermit, the epitome of "object withdrawal".

The schizoid narcissist uses his mate/spouse as a substitute for the objects, which he had forgone. She is capable, in principle, of supplying all his needs (sexual, social, and narcissistic). She fulfils the function of "object replacement" through "object representation". She stands for the world.

The narcissist has precious little mental energy (the bulk of it is constantly invested in himself). It is better (and more efficient) for him to deal with a single representation than with the baffling and energy consuming array of phenomena, people, and social structures in the outside world.

Gradually, the narcissist displaces all the emotions which were previously reserved for objects (the outside world) and projects them onto his partner. She cannot stand this emotional barrage and his impossible set of expectations and soon she breaks down and ceases to fulfil the narcissistic functions of adulation and submissiveness. She rebels against the conventions of this shared psychosis (folie a deux), against the narcissist's self-declared superiority and refuses to actively witness and record his life. She is thus rendered useless from the point of view of Narcissistic Accumulation.

The narcissist reacts by devaluing the mate or spouse, that he had previously idealised and overvalued, and the relationship ends. The narcissist's reactions to women (and to other SNSSs, notably money) are pathological and make use of mental constructs poorly correlated with reality. He assimilates them without accommodating them - a process doomed to backfire through acting out.

next: Chapter 8, The Soul of a Narcissist, The State of the Art

I don't want to hear, "But, you don't know what he or she did!" Blame in a healthy love relationship doesn't work!

There is a payoff for everything you do. The payoff for pointing a finger at your partner and blaming him/her for your relationship condition is: you don't have to take responsibility for your share of the problem.

Relationship problems are shared problems. To manage the complexity of a stormy relationship you must accept responsibility for your share of the problem. When you can do that, the problem is half solved. Not only will this change you, it will change your relationship with your partner.

Perhaps your relationship deserves a powerful new focus.

Ideally, having a partner who understands the concept of team and the responsibility that goes with it contributes greatly to creating an greater attitude of team, which sheds light on solutions instead of keeping the focus on the problem.

True love allows for disagreements. Acknowledging when you are wrong is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength.

If your relationship is off track, the cost of complacency is obviously substantial. Waiting for your partner to "come around," may prove futile. Go first. You must take the first step while you are still afraid. Doing so helps to inoculate your relationship against a relapse.

Your relationship priorities are clear now, right? Go first and do what's right! It will make your perceptions clearer, your judgments sounder, your life work better and you will be closer to your heart's desire; a healthy love relationship.

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Your comments are always welcome!

next: Networking: Making the Right Connections

• Watch the video on How to Cope with a Narcissist?

No one should feel responsible for the narcissist's predicament. To him, others hardly exist - so enmeshed he is in himself and in the resulting misery of this very self-preoccupation. Others are hangers on which he hangs the clothes of wrath, of rage, of suppressed and mutating aggression and, finally, of ill disguised violence. How should the persons nearest and dearest to the narcissist cope with his eccentric vagaries?

How do you cope with a narcissist? The short answer is by abandoning him or by threatening to abandon him.

The threat to abandon need not be explicit or conditional ("If you don't do something or if you do it - I will desert you"). It is sufficient to confront the narcissist, to completely ignore him, to insist on respect for one's boundaries and wishes, or to shout back at him.

The narcissist is tamed by the very same weapons that he uses to subjugate others (read more the narcisst's forms of abuse). The specter of being abandoned looms large over everything else. In the narcissist's mind, every discordant note presages solitude, abandonment, and the resulting confrontation with his self.

The narcissist is a person who is irreparably traumatized by the behavior of the most important people in his life: his parents, role models, or peers. By being capricious, arbitrary, and sadistically judgmental - they molded him into an adult, who fervently and obsessively tries to recreate the trauma (repetition complex).

Thus, on the one hand, the narcissist feels that his freedom depends upon re-living these experiences. On the other hand, he is terrified by this prospect. Realizing that he is doomed to go through the same harrowing experience over and over again, the narcissist distances himself from the scene of his own pending emotional catastrophe. He does this by using his aggression to alienate, to humiliate and in general, to be emotionally absent.

This behavior brings about the very consequences that the narcissist so fears. But, this way, at least, the narcissist can tell himself (and others) that HE was the one who fostered his abandonment, that it was truly fully his choice and that he was not surprised. The truth is that, governed by his internal demons, the narcissist has no real choice.

The narcissist is a binary human being: the carrot is the stick in his case. If he gets too close to someone emotionally, he fears ultimate and inevitable abandonment. He, thus, distances himself, acts cruelly and brings about the very abandonment that he feared in the first place.

In this paradox lies the key to coping with the narcissist. If, for instance, he is having a rage attack - rage back. This will provoke in him fears of being abandoned and the resulting calm will be so total that it might seem eerie. Narcissists are known for these sudden tectonic shifts in mood and in behavior patterns.

Mirror the narcissist's actions and repeat his words. If he threatens - threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house - leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious - act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level - because that's the only way to penetrate his thick defences. Faced with his mirror image - the narcissist always recoils.

We must not forget: the narcissist does all these things to engender and encourage abandonment. When mirrored, the narcissist dreads imminent and impending desertion, which is the inevitable result of his actions and words. This prospect so terrifies him - that it induces in him an incredible alteration of behavior.

He instantly succumbs and tries to make amends, moving from one (cold and bitter, cynical and misanthropic, cruel and sadistic) pole to another (warm, even loving, fuzzy, engulfing, emotional and saccharine).

The other coping strategy is to give up on him.

Abandon him and go about reconstructing your own life. Very few people deserve the kind of investment that is an absolute prerequisite to life with a narcissist. To cope with a narcissist is a full time, energy and emotion-draining job, which reduces people around the narcissist to insecure nervous wrecks. Who deserves such a sacrifice?

No one, to my mind, not even the most brilliant, charming, breathtaking, suave narcissist. The glamour and trickery wear thin and underneath them a monster lurks which sucks the affect, distorts the cognition and irreversibly influences the lives of those around it for the worse.

Narcissists are incorrigibly and notoriously difficult to change. Thus, trying to change them is doomed to failure. You should either accept them as they are or avoid them altogether. If one accepts the narcissist as he is - one should cater to his needs. His needs are part of what he is. Would you have ignored a physical handicap? Would you not have assisted a quadriplegic? The narcissist is an emotional invalid. He needs constant adulation. He cannot help it. So, if one chooses to accept him - it is a package deal, all his needs included.

next: Narcissistic Parents

Question:

What happens to a narcissist who lacks even the basic potential and skills to realise some of his grandiose fantasies?

Answer:

Such a narcissist resorts to deferred Narcissistic Supply which generates an effect of deferred grandiosity. He forgoes his grandiose schemes and gives up on the present. He defers the fulfilment of his fantasies - which support his inflated Ego - to the (indefinite) future.

Such narcissists engage in activities (or in daydreaming), which they fervently believe, will make them famous, powerful, influential, or superior in some unspecified future time. They keep their minds occupied and off their failures.

Such frustrated and bitter narcissist's hold themselves answerable only to History, God, Eternity, Future Generations, Art, science, the Church, the Country, the Nation and so on. They entertain notions of grandeur which are dependent upon the judgement or assessment of a fuzzily defined collective in an ambiguous time frame. Thus, these narcissists find solace in the embrace of Chronos.

Deferred grandiosity is an adaptive mechanism which ameliorates dysphorias and grandiosity gaps.

It is healthy to daydream and fantasise. It is the antechamber of life and often anticipates its circumstances. It is a process of preparing for eventualities. But healthy daydreaming is different from grandiosity.

Grandiosity has four components.

Omnipotence

The narcissist believes in his omnipotence. "Believe" in this context is a weak word. He knows. It is a cellular certainty, almost biological, it flows in his blood and permeates every niche of his being. The narcissist "knows" that he can do anything he chooses to do and excel in it. What the narcissist does, what he excels at, what he achieves, depends only on his volition. To his mind, there is no other determinant.

Hence his rage when confronted with disagreement or opposition - not only because of the audacity of his, evidently inferior, adversaries. But because it threatens his world view, it endangers his feeling of omnipotence. The narcissist is often fatuously daring, adventurous, experimentative and curious precisely due to this hidden assumption of "can-do". He is genuinely surprised and devastated when he fails, when the "universe" does not arrange itself, magically, to accommodate his unbounded fantasies, when it (and people in it) does not comply with his whims and wishes.

He often denies away such discrepancies, deletes them from his memory. As a result, he remembers his life as a patchy quilt of unrelated events and people.

Omniscience

The narcissist often pretends to know everything, in every field of human knowledge and endeavour. He lies and prevaricates to avoid the exposure of his ignorance. He resorts to numerous subterfuges to support his God-like omniscience.

Where his knowledge fails him - he feigns authority, fakes superiority, quotes from non-existent sources, embeds threads of truth in a canvass of falsehoods. He transforms himself into an artist of intellectual prestidigitation. As he gets older, this invidious quality may recede, or, rather, metamorphose. He may now claim more confined expertise.

He may no longer be ashamed to admit his ignorance and his need to learn things outside the fields of his real or self-proclaimed expertise. But this "improvement" is merely optical. Within his "territory", the narcissist is still as fiercely defensive and possessive as ever.

Many narcissists are avowed autodidacts, unwilling to subject their knowledge and insights to peer scrutiny, or, for that matter, to any scrutiny. The narcissist keeps re-inventing himself, adding new fields of knowledge as he goes. This creeping intellectual annexation is a round about way of reverting to his erstwhile image as the erudite "Renaissance man".

Omnipresence

Even the narcissist cannot pretend to actually be everywhere at once in the PHYSICAL sense. Instead, he feels that he is the centre and the axis of his "universe", that all things and happenstances revolve around him and that cosmic disintegration would ensue if he were to disappear or to lose interest in someone or in something.

He is convinced, for instance, that he is the main, if not the only, topic of discussion in his absence. He is often surprised and offended to learn that he was not even mentioned. When invited to a meeting with many participants, he assumes the position of the sage, the guru, or the teacher/guide whose words carry a special weight. His creations (books, articles, works of art) are extensions of his presence and, in this restricted sense, he does seem to exist everywhere. In other words, he "stamps" his environment. He "leaves his mark" upon it. He "stigmatises" it.

Narcissist the Omnivore (Perfectionism and Completeness)

There is another "omni" component in grandiosity. The narcissist is an omnivore. He devours and digests experiences and people, sights and smells, bodies and words, books and films, sounds and achievements, his work and his leisure, his pleasure and his possessions. The narcissist is incapable of ENJOYING anything because he is in constant pursuit of perfection and completeness.

Classic narcissists interact with the world as predators do with their prey. They want to own it all, be everywhere, experience everything. They cannot delay gratification. They do not take "no" for an answer. And they settle for nothing less than the ideal, the sublime, the perfect, the all-inclusive, the all-encompassing, the engulfing, the all-pervasive, the most beautiful, the cleverest, the richest, and the most brilliant.

The narcissist is shattered when he discovers that a collection he possesses is incomplete, that his colleague's wife is more glamorous, that his son is better than he is in math, that his neighbour has a new, flashy car, that his roommate got promoted, that the "love of his life" signed a recording contract. It is not plain old jealousy, not even pathological envy (though it is definitely a part of the psychological make-up of the narcissist). It is the discovery that the narcissist is NOT perfect, or ideal, or complete that does him in.

Ask anyone who shared a life with a narcissist, or knew one and they are likely to sigh: "What a waste". Waste of potential, waste of opportunities, waste of emotions, a wasteland of arid addiction and futile pursuit.

Narcissists are as gifted as they come. The problem is to disentangle their tales of fantastic grandiosity from the reality of their talents and skills. They always either over-estimate or devalue their potency. They often emphasise the wrong traits and invest in their mediocre or less than average capacities at the expense of their true and promising potential. Thus, they squander their advantages and under-rate their natural gifts.

The narcissist decides which aspects of his self to nurture and which to neglect. He gravitates towards activities commensurate with his pompous auto-portrait. He suppresses these tendencies and aptitudes in him which don't conform to his inflated view of his uniqueness, brilliance, might, sexual prowess, or standing in society. He cultivates these flairs and predilections which he regards as befitting his overweening self-image and ultimate grandeur.

But, the narcissist, no matter how self-aware and well-meaning, is accursed. His grandiosity, his fantasies, the compelling, overriding urge to feel unique, invested with some cosmic significance, unprecedentedly bestowed - these thwart his best intentions. These structures of obsession and compulsion, these deposits of insecurity and pain, the stalactites and stalagmites of years of abuse and then abandonment - they all conspire to frustrate the gratification, however circumspect, of the narcissist's true nature.

An utter lack of self-awareness is typical of the narcissist. He is intimate only with his False Self, constructed meticulously from years of lying and deceit. The narcissist's True Self is stashed, dilapidated and dysfunctional, in the furthest recesses of his mind. The False Self is omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, creative, ingenious, irresistible, and glowing. The narcissist often isn't.

Add combustible paranoia to the narcissist's divorce from himself - and his constant and recurrent failure to assess reality fairly is more understandable. The narcissist overpowering sense of entitlement is rarely commensurate with his accomplishments in his real life or with his traits. When the world fails to comply with his demands and to support his grandiose fantasies, the narcissist suspects a plot against him by his inferiors.

The narcissist rarely admits to a weakness, ignorance, or deficiency. He filters out information to the contrary - a cognitive impairment with serious consequences. Narcissistic are likely to unflinchingly make inflated and inane claims about their sexual prowess, wealth, connections, history, or achievements.

All this is mighty embarrassing to the narcissist's nearest, dearest, colleagues, friends, neighbours, or even mere on-lookers. The narcissist's tales are so patently absurd that he often catches people off-guard. Behind his back, the narcissist is derided and mockingly imitated. He fast makes a nuisance and an imposition of himself in every company.

But the narcissist's failure of the reality test can have more serious and irreversible consequences. Narcissists, unqualified to make life-and-death decisions often insist on rendering them. Narcissists pretend to be economists, engineers, or medical doctors - when they are not. But they are not con-artists in the classic, premeditated sense. They firmly believe that, though self-taught at best, they are more qualified than even the properly accredited sort. Narcissists believe in magic and in fantasy. They are no longer with us.

next: How to Cope with a Narcissist?