Overview of phenylalanine as a natural remedy for depression and whether phenylalanine works as a treatment for depression.

What is Phenylalanine for Depression?

Phenylalanine is an amino acid, one of the building blocks of protein. Intake of phenylalanine is essential for life. We get our intake of phenylalanine by eating protein-rich foods like meat, fish, eggs, dairy products and beans.

How does Phenylalanine for Depression work?

Phenylalanine is used by the body to make the neurotransmitter (chemical messenger) norepinephrine. Norepinephrine is believed to be in short supply in the brains of people who are depressed. By taking in extra phenylalanine, it is hoped the brain will make more norepinephrine.

Is Phenylalanine for Depression effective?

There is very little scientific evidence on phenylalanine for the treatment of depression. One study did show that phenylalanine worked as well as an antidepressant drug. However, because this study did not give placebos (dummy pills) to some patients, we cannot be sure that both treatments were effective. Another study compared phenylalanine with placebo treatment for women who had premenstrual depressed mood. This study found positive effects, but it is not known if the effects would occur with other types of depression.

Are there any disadvantages?

No major ones known.

Where do you get Phenylalanine?

Phenylalanine is available as a dietary supplement from health food shops.

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Recommendation

There is not enough good evidence at this stage to recommend phenylalanine as a treatment for depression.

Key references

Beckmann H, Athen D, Olteanu M, Zimmer R. DL-phenylalanine versus imipramine: a double-blind study. Archiv fur Psychiatrie und Nervenkrankheiten 1979; 227: 49-58.

Giannini AJ, Sternberg DE, Martin DM, Tipton KF. Prevention of late luteal phase dysphoric disorder symptoms with DL-phenylalanine in women with abrupt b-endorphin decline: a pilot study. Annals of Clinical Psychiatry 1989; 1: 259-263.

back to: Alternative Treatments for Depression

Explanation of recovery from bipolar disorder, depression and the importance of hope, personal responsibility, education, advocacy, and peer support in recovery.

Recovery has only recently become a word used in relation to the experience of psychiatric symptoms. Those of us who experience psychiatric symptoms are commonly told that these symptoms are incurable, that we will have to live with them for the rest of our lives, that the medications, if they (health care professionals) can find the right ones or the right combination, may help, and that we will always have to take the medications. Many of us have even been told that these symptoms will worsen as we get older. Nothing about recovery was ever mentioned. Nothing about hope. Nothing about anything we can do to help ourselves. Nothing about empowerment. Nothing about wellness.

Mary Ellen Copeland says:

When I was first diagnosed with manic depression at the age of 37, I was told that if I just kept taking these pills - pills that I would need to take for the rest of my life - I would be OK. So I did just that. And I was "OK" for about 10 years until a stomach virus caused severe lithium toxicity. After that I could no longer take the medication. During the time I was taking the medication I could have been learning how to manage my moods. I could have been learning that relaxation and stress reduction techniques and fun activities can help reduce the symptoms. I could have been learning that I would probably feel a lot better if my life wasn't so hectic and chaotic, if I wasn't living with an abusive husband, if I spent more time with people who affirmed and validated me, and that support from other people who have experienced these symptoms helps a lot. I was never told that I could learn how to relieve, reduce and even get rid of troubling feelings and perceptions. Perhaps if I had learned these things and had been exposed to others who where working their way through these kinds of symptoms, I would not have spent weeks, months and years experiencing extreme psychotic mood swings while doctors searched diligently to find effective medications.

Now the times have changed. Those of us who have experienced these symptoms are sharing information and learning from each other that these symptoms do not have to mean that we must give up our dreams and our goals, and that they don't have to go on forever. We have learned that we are in charge of our own lives and can go forward and do whatever it is we want to do. People who have experienced even the most severe psychiatric symptoms are doctors of all kinds, lawyers, teachers, accountants, advocates, social workers. We are successfully establishing and maintaining intimate relationships. We are good parents. We have warm relationships with our partners, parents, siblings, friends and colleagues. We are climbing mountains, planting gardens, painting pictures, writing books, making quilts, and creating positive change in the world. And it is only with this vision and belief for all people that we can bring hope for everyone.

Support From Health Care Professionals

Sometimes our health care professionals are reluctant to assist us in this journey - afraid that we are setting ourselves up for failure. But more and more of them are providing us with valuable assistance and support as we make our way out of the system and back to the life we want. Recently I (Mary Ellen) spent a full day visiting with health care professionals of all kinds at a major regional mental health center. It was exciting to hear over and over the word "recovery". They were talking about educating the people they work with, about providing temporary assistance and support for as long as is necessary during the hard times, about working with people to take responsibility for their own wellness, exploring with them the many options available to address their symptoms and issues and then sending them on their way, back to their loved ones and into the community.

A word that these dedicated health care professionals used over and over again was "normalize". They are trying to see for themselves, and help the people they work with to see, these symptoms on a continuum of the norm rather than an aberration - that these are symptoms that everyone experiences in some form or other. That when, either from physical causes or stress in our lives, they become so severe that they are intolerable, we can work together to find ways to reduce and relieve them. They are talking about less traumatic ways to deal with crises where symptoms become frightening and dangerous. They are talking about respite centers, guest homes and supportive assistance so a person can work through these hard times at home and in the community rather than in the frightening scenario of a psychiatric hospital.

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What Are The Key Facets Of A Recovery Scenario?

1. There is hope. A vision of hope that includes no limits. That even when someone says to us, "You can't do that because you've had or have those symptoms, dear!" - we know it's not true. It is only when we feel and believe that we are fragile and out of control that we find it hard to move ahead. Those of us who experience psychiatric symptoms can and do get well. I (Mary Ellen) learned about hope from my mother. She was told she was incurably insane. She had wild, psychotic mood swings unremittingly for eight years. And then they went away. After that she worked very successfully as a dietitian in a large school lunch program and spent her retirement helping my brother raise seven children as a single parent and volunteering for a variety of church and community organizations.

   We don't need dire predictions about the course of our symptoms - something which no one else, regardless of their credentials can ever know. We need assistance, encouragement and support as we work to relieve these symptoms and get on with our lives. We need a caring environment without feeling the need to be taken care of.

   Too many people have internalized the messages that there is no hope, that they are simply victims to their illness, and that the only relationships they can hope for are one-way and infantalizing. As people are introduced to communities and services that focus on recovery, relationships change to being more equal and supportive in both directions. As we feel valued for the help we can offer as well as receive, our self-definitions are expanded. We try out new behaviors with each other, find ways in which we can take positive risks and find that we have more self-knowledge and more to offer than we were led to believe.

2. It's up to each individual to take responsibility for their own wellness. There is no one else who can do this for us. When our perspective changes from reaching out to be saved to one in which we work to heal ourselves and our relationships, the pace of our recovery increases dramatically.

3. Taking personal responsibility can be very difficult when symptoms are severe and persistent. In these cases, it is most helpful when our health care professionals and supporters work with us to find and take even the smallest steps to work our way out of this frightening situation.

4. Education is a process that must accompany us on this journey. We search for sources of information that will help us to figure out what will work for us and the steps we need to take in our own behalf. Many of us would like health care professionals to play a key role in this educational process - directing us to helpful resources, setting up educational workshops and seminars, working with us to understand information, and helping us to find a course that resonates with our wishes and beliefs.

5. Each of us must advocate for ourselves to get what it is we want, need and deserve. Often people who have experienced psychiatric symptoms have the mistaken belief that we have lost our rights as individuals. As a result, our rights are often violated, and these violations are consistently overlooked. Self-advocacy becomes much easier as we repair our self-esteem, so damaged by years of chronic instability, and come to understand that we are often as intelligent as anyone else, and always as worthwhile and unique, with special gifts to offer the world, and that we deserve all the very best that life has to offer. It is also much easier if we are supported by health care professionals, family members and supporters as we reach out to get our personal needs met.

   All people grow through taking positive risks. We need to support people in:

   • making life and treatment choices for themselves, no matter how different they look from traditional treatment,
   • building their own crisis and treatment plans,
   • having the ability to obtain all their records,
   • accessing information around medication side effects,
   • refusing any treatment (particularly those treatments that are potentially hazardous),
   • choosing their own relationships and spiritual practices,
   • being treated with dignity, respect and compassion, and,
   • creating the life of their choice.

6. Mutual relationship and support is a necessary component of the journey to wellness. The nationwide focus on peer support is a result of the recognition of the role of support in working toward recovery. Throughout New Hampshire, peer support centers are providing a safe community where people can go even when their symptoms are most severe, and feel safe and secure.

   Beyond this, peer support holds few, if any, assumptions about people's capabilities and limits. There is no categorizing and no hierarchical roles (eg. doctor/patient), with the result being that people move from focusing on themselves to trying out new behaviors with one another and ultimately committing to a larger process of building community. The crisis respite center at Stepping Stones Peer Support Center, in Claremont, New Hampshire, carries this concept a step further by providing around-the-clock peer support and education in a safe, supportive atmosphere. Instead of feeling out of control and pathologized, peers support one another in moving through and beyond difficult situations, and help each other learn how crisis can be an opportunity for growth and change. An example of this was when a member who was having lots of difficult thoughts came into the center to avoid hospitalization. His goal was to be able to talk through his thoughts without feeling judged, categorized or told to increase his medication. After several days he went home feeling more comfortable and connected to others with whom he could continue to interact. He committed to staying in and expanding on the relationships that he built while in the respite program.

   Through the use of support groups and building community that defines itself as it grows, many people find that their whole sense of who they are expands. As people grow they move ahead in other parts of their lives.

   Support, in a recovery based environment, is never a crutch or a situation in which one person defines or dictates the outcome. Mutual support is a process in which the people in the relationship strive to use the relationship to become fuller, richer human beings. Although we all come to relationships with some assumptions, support works best when both people are willing to grow and change.

   This need for mutual and appropriate support extends into the clinical community. Though clinical relationships may never truly be mutual, or without some assumptions, we can all work to change our roles with each other in order to further move away from the kinds of paternalistic relationships some of us have had in the past. Some of the questions health care professionals can ask themselves in this regard are:

   • How much of our own discomfort are we willing to sit with while someone is trying out new choices?
   • How are our boundaries continuously being redefined as we struggle to deepen each individual relationship?
   • What are the assumptions we already hold about this person, by virtue of his/her diagnosis, history, lifestyle? How can we put aside our assumptions and predictions in order to be fully present to the situation and open to the possibility for the other person to do the same?
   • What are the things that might get in the way of both of us stretching and growing?

   Support begins with honesty and a willingness to revisit all of our assumptions about what it means to be helpful and supportive. Support means that at the same time clinicians hold someone in "the palm of their hand," they also hold them absolutely accountable for their behavior and believe in their ability to change (and have the same self-reflective tools to monitor themselves).

   No one is beyond hope. Everyone has the ability to make choices. Even though health care professionals have traditionally been asked to define treatment and prognosis, they have to look through the layers of learned helplessness, years of institutionalization, and difficult behaviors. Then they can creatively begin to help a person reconstruct a life narrative that is defined by hope, challenge, accountability, mutual relationship and an ever changing self-concept.

   As part of our support system, health care professionals need to continue to see if they are looking at their own roadblocks to change, understand where they get "stuck" and dependent, and look at their own less than healthy ways of coping. Health care professionals need to relate to us that they have their own struggles and own that change is hard for all. They need to look at our willingness to "recover" and not perpetuate the myth that there is a big difference between themselves and people they work with. Support then becomes truly a mutual phenomenon where the relationship itself becomes a framework in which both people feel supported in challenging themselves. The desire to change is nurtured through the relationship, not dictated by one person's plan for another. The outcome is that people don't continue to feel separate, different and alone.

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How Can Health Care Professionals Address Learned Helplessness?

Clinicians often ask us, "What about people who aren't interested in recovery, and who have no interest in peer support and other recovery concepts?" What we often forget is that MOST people find it undesirable to change. It's hard work! People have gotten used to their identities and roles as ill, victims, fragile, dependent and even as unhappy. Long ago we learned to "accept" our illnesses, give over control to others and tolerate the way of life. Think how many people live like this in one way or another that don't have diagnosed illnesses. It's easier to live in the safety of what we know, even if it hurts, than it is to do the hard work of change or develop hope that conceivably could be crushed.

Our clinical mistake, up to this point, has been thinking that if we ask people what they need and want, they will instinctively have the answer AND want to change their way of being. People who have been in the mental health system for many years have developed a way of being in the world, and particularly being in relationship with professionals, where their self-definition as patient has become their most important role.

Our only hope for accessing internal resources that have been buried by layers of imposed limitations is to be supported in making leaps of faith, redefining who we'd like to become and taking risks that aren't calculated by someone else. We need to be asked if our idea of who we'd like to become is based on what we know about our "illnesses". We need to be asked what supports we would need to take new risks and change our assumptions about our fragility and our limitations. When we see our closest friends and supporters willing to change, we begin to try out our own incremental changes. Even if this means buying ingredients for supper instead of a TV dinner, we need to be fully supported in taking the steps to recreating our own sense of self and be challenged to continue to grow.

Recovery is a personal choice. It is often very difficult for health care providers who are trying to promote a person's recovery when they find resistance and apathy. Severity of symptoms, motivation, personality type, accessibility of information, perceived benefits of maintaining the status quo rather than creating life change (sometimes to maintain disability benefits), along with the quantity and quality of personal and professional support, can all effect a person's ability to work toward recovery. Some people choose to work at it very intensively, especially when they first become aware of these new options and perspectives. Others approach it much more slowly. It is not up to the provider to determine when a person is making progress - it is up to the person.

What Are Some Of The Most Commonly Used Recovery Skills And Strategies?

Through an extensive ongoing research process, Mary Ellen Copeland has learned that people who experience psychiatric symptoms commonly use the following skills and strategies to relieve and eliminate symptoms:

• reaching out for support: connecting with a non-judgmental, non-critical person who is willing to avoid giving advice, who will listen while the person figures out for themselves what to do.
• being in a supportive environment surrounded by people who are positive and affirming, but at the same time are direct and challenging; avoiding people who are critical, judgmental or abusive.
• peer counseling: sharing with another person who has experienced similar symptoms.
• stress reduction and relaxation techniques: deep breathing, progressive relaxation and visualization exercises.
• exercise: anything from walking and climbing stairs to running, biking, swimming.
• creative and fun activities: doing things that are personally enjoyable like reading, creative arts, crafts, listening to or making music, gardening, and woodworking.
• journaling: writing in a journal anything you want, for as long as you want.
• dietary changes: limiting or avoiding the use of foods like caffeine, sugar, sodium and fat that worsen symptoms.
• exposure to light: getting outdoor light for at least 1/2 hour per day, enhancing that with a light box when necessary.
• learning and using systems for changing negative thoughts to positive ones: working on a structured system for making changes in thought processes.
• increasing or decreasing environmental stimulation: responding to symptoms as they occur by either becoming more or less active.
• daily planning: developing a generic plan for a day, to use when symptoms are more difficult to manage and decision making is difficult.
• developing and using a symptom identification and response system which includes:
  1. a list of things to do every day to maintain wellness,
  2. identifying triggers that might cause or increase symptoms and a preventive action plan,
  3. identifying early warning signs of an increase in symptoms and a preventive action plan,
  4. identifying symptoms that indicate the situation has worsened and formulating an action plan to reverse this trend,
  5. crisis planning to maintain control even when the situation is out of control.

In self-help recovery groups, people who experience symptoms are working together to redefine the meaning of these symptoms, and to discover skills, strategies and techniques that have worked for them in the past and that could be helpful in the future.

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What Is The Role Of Medication In The Recovery Scenario?

Many people feel that medications can be helpful in slowing down the most difficult symptoms. While in the past, medications have been seen as the only rational option for reducing psychiatric symptoms, in the recovery scenario, medications are one of many options and choices for reducing symptoms. Others include the recovery skills, strategies and techniques listed above, along with treatments that address health related issues. Though medications are certainly a choice, these authors believe that medication compliance as the primary goal is not appropriate.

People who experience psychiatric symptoms have a hard time dealing with the side-effects of medications designed to reduce these symptoms - side effects like obesity, lack of sexual function, dry mouth, constipation, extreme lethargy and fatigue. In addition, they fear the long term side-effects of the medications. Those of us who experience these symptoms know that many of the medications we are taking have been on the market for a short time - so short that no one really knows the long term side-effects. We know that Tardive's Dyskinesia was not recognized as a side-effect of neuroleptic medication for many years. We fear that we are at risk of similar irreversible and destructive side-effects. We want to be respected by health care professionals for having these fears and for choosing not to use medications that are compromising the quality of our lives.

When people who have shared similar experiences get together, they begin to talk about their concerns about medications and about alternatives that have been helpful. They build up a kind of group empowerment that begins to challenge the notion of prophylactic medication or medication as the only way to address their symptoms. Many physicians, on the other hand, worry that people who come to them blame the medication for the illness and they fear that stopping the medication will worsen symptoms. These become fairly polarized views and amplify the hierarchical relationship. People feel that if they question their doctors about decreasing or getting off medications, they will be threatened with involuntary hospitalization or treatment. Doctors fear that people are jumping on an unreliable band wagon that will lead to out of control symptoms, jeopardizing the person's safety. Consequently, talk about medication often goes on without counsel with doctors.

In a recovery based environment, more effort needs to be spent focusing on choice and self-responsibility around behavior. If the complaint is that medications control behavior and thoughts while extinguishing all pleasurable, motivational kinds of feelings, there is a need to develop a way we talk about symptoms so that each of us has many choices and options for dealing with them.

Shery Mead has developed a visual image of a car wash that has been useful to her and many others. She says:

If I think about early stages of symptoms as driving towards the car wash, there are still many choices I can make before my wheels engage in the automatic treads. I can veer off to the side, stop the car or back up. I am also aware that once my wheels are engaged in the car wash - though it feels out of my control - the situation, based on self observation, is time limited and I can ride it out and will eventually come out on the other side. My behavior, even when I am "white knuckling it" through the car wash, is still my choice and in my control. This kind of process has helped others define triggers, watch their automatic response, develop self critical skills about their own defense mechanisms, and ultimately even ride out the car wash better. Although medications can be helpful in making it through the car wash without ending up in a dangerous situation, there are many more proactive skills that help each of us develop our own techniques, making personal responsibility a more desirable outcome.

What Are The Risks And Benefits Of Using A "Recovery" Vision For Mental Health Services?

Because the feelings and symptoms that have been commonly referred to as "mental illness" are very unpredictable, our health care professionals may fear that we will "decompensate" (a nasty word to many of us) and may put ourselves or others at risk. Health care professionals become fearful that, if they do not continue to provide the kind of caretaking and protective services they have provided in the past, people will become discouraged, disappointed and may even harm themselves. It must be recognized that risk is inherent in the experience of life. It is up to us to make choices about how we will live our lives and it is not up to health care professionals to protect us from the real world. We need our health care professionals to believe that we are capable of taking risks and support us as we take them.

More clinicians working in a recovery based environment will enjoy the positive reinforcement of successful experiences in working with people who are growing, changing and moving on with their lives. The recovery focus and the increased wellness of more of us will give health care professionals more time to spend with those who experience the most severe and persistent symptoms, giving them the intense support they need to achieve the highest levels of wellness possible.

In addition, health care professionals will find that instead of providing direct care for people who experience psychiatric symptoms, they will be educating, assisting and learning from them as they make decisions and take positive action in their own behalf. These caregivers will find themselves in the rewarding position of accompanying those of us who experience psychiatric symptoms as we grow, learn and change.

The implications of a recovery vision for services to adults with severe "mental illness" will be that providers of services, instead of coming from a paternalistic framework with often harsh, invasive and seemingly punitive "treatments," will learn from us as we work together to define what wellness is for each of us on an individual basis and explore how to address and relieve those symptoms which prevent us from leading full and rich lives.

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The hierarchical health care system will gradually become non-hierarchical as people understand that health care professionals will not only provide care, but will also work with a person to make decisions about their own course of treatment and their own lives. Those of us who experience symptoms are demanding positive, adult treatment as partners. This progression will be enhanced as more people who have experienced symptoms become providers themselves.

While the benefits of a recovery vision for mental health services defy definition, they obviously include:

• Cost effectiveness. As we learn safe, simple, inexpensive, non-invasive ways to reduce and eliminate our symptoms, there will be less need for costly, invasive interventions and therapies. We will live and work interdependently in the community, supporting ourselves and our family members.
• Reduced need for hospitalization, time away from home and personal supports, and the use of harsh, traumatic and dangerous treatment which often exacerbate rather than relieve symptoms, as we learn to manage our symptoms using normal activities and supports.
• Increased possibility of positive outcomes. As we recover from these pervasive and debilitating symptoms, we can do more and more of the things we want to do with our lives, and work toward meet our life goals and dreams.
• As we normalize people's feelings and symptoms, we build a more accepting, diverse culture.

Does Recovery Work Do Anything To Specifically Help A Person Avoid Situations Of Being Personally Unsafe Or A Danger To Others?

With the increased focus on recovery and the use of self-help skills to alleviate symptoms, it is hoped that fewer and fewer people will find themselves in a situation where they are a danger to themselves or someone else.

If the symptoms should become that severe, people may have developed their own personal crisis plan - a comprehensive plan that would tell close supporters what needs to happen to ward off disaster. Some of these things might include 24-hour peer support, phone line availability or speaking for or against some types of treatment. These plans, when developed and used collaboratively with supporters, are helping people maintain control even when it seems that things are out of control.

While disagreement about any kind of coercive treatment is widespread, the authors, both of whom have been in these kinds of high-risk situations, agree that any kind of forced treatment is NOT helpful. The long-range effects of coercive, unwanted treatment can be devastating, humiliating and ultimately ineffective and can leave people more untrusting of the relationships that should have been supportive and healing. Although both authors feel that all people are responsible for their behavior and should be held accountable, we believe that the development of humane, caring protocols should be everyone's focus.

Guidelines For A Recovery Focus In Service Provision

The following guidelines for health care professionals should guide and enhance all recovery work while decreasing resistance and lack of motivation:

• Treat the person as a fully competent equal with equal capacity to learn, change, make life decisions and take action to create life change - no matter how severe their symptoms.
• Never scold, threaten, punish, patronize, judge or condescend to the person, while being honest about how you feel when that person threatens or condescends to you.
• Focus on how the person feels, what the person is experiencing and what the person wants rather than on diagnosis, labeling, and predictions about the course of the person's life.
• Share simple, safe, practical, non-invasive and inexpensive or free self-help skills and strategies that people can use on their own or with the help of their supporters.
• When necessary, break tasks down into the smallest steps to insure success.
• Limit the sharing of ideas and advice. One piece of advice a day or visit is plenty. Avoid nagging and overwhelming the person with feedback.
• Pay close attention to individual needs and preferences, accepting individual differences.
• Assure that planning and treatment is a truly collaborative process with the person who is receiving the services as the "bottom line".
• Recognize strengths and even the smallest bit of progress without being paternalistic.
• Accept that a person's life path is up to them.
• As the first step toward recovery, listen to the person, let them talk, hear what they say and what they want, making sure their goals are truly theirs and not yours. Understand that what you might see as being good for them may not be what they really want.
• Ask yourself, "Is there something going on in their life which is getting in the way of change or moving toward wellness, eg., learned helplessness," or are there medical problems that are getting in the way of recovery?
• Encourage and support connection with others who experience psychiatric symptoms.
• Ask yourself, "Would this person benefit from being in a group led by others who have experienced psychiatric symptoms?"

The person who experiences psychiatric symptoms is the determiner of their own life. No one else, even the most highly skilled health care professional, can do this work for us. We need to do it for ourselves, with your guidance, assistance and support.

About the authors: Shery Mead, MSW and Mary Ellen Copeland, MS, MA are licensed counselors. Ms. Mead is the founder and past Executive Director of three highly regarded peer support service program for persons with serious mental illness. Ms. Copeland has experienced episodes of severe mania and depression for most of her life. She is the author of many books on managing depression and bipolar disorder.

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Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

"DRIVERS"

"Drivers" are phrases most parents say to their children very, very often - at least once most days. They can be stated kindly or callously, quietly or loudly, but the message is always the same: "If you want to please me [your parent] you will do this."

Infants sense, from birth on, that their very existence depends on their parents. (Displeasing someone with life-or-death control over you is frightening!) The fear of displeasing the parent is always present - at least until the child leaves home.

THE FIVE DRIVERS

There are five drivers or phrases that all parents say, or imply, to their kids on a regular basis. They are: "Be Strong," "Hurry Up," "Try Hard," "Be Perfect," and "Please Me." In the saddest of families there is even a sixth driver: "Don't Be."

BE STRONG

Examples

Good Parenting: "Oh, it's only a scratch!" - "Relax. It's not that bad." - "You'll be OK, take it easy."

Bad Parenting: "I'll give you something to cry about!" - "You're just a big baby!" - "Grow up!"

It's important for children to learn that they can be strong sometimes and weak at other times. Parents teach them this by showing them that there are differences between big pains and little pains, and by demonstrating to them that they can survive nearly all pains.

It is also important for kids to learn that ACTING strong when you feel weak is actually BEING weak! And that ACTING weak when you are feeling strong is dishonest and tricky.

HURRY UP

Examples

Good Parenting: "It's time to go now." - "Let's hurry, or we'll be late." - "Mommy's waiting....."

Bad Parenting: "For God's sake hurry up!" - "You are so lazy!" - "Should I get the paddle?"

Children need to know that deciding how to spend time is a cooperative endeavor.

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Kids need to learn too that both hectic hurrying and deliberate stalling are manipulations.

TRY HARD

Examples

Good Parenting: "You can do it." - "Do you want to do your best on this?" - "You really worked at that!"

Bad Parenting: "You're such a slug!" - "Don't stall on me young lady!" - "If you're get a low grade again I'll......"

Children need to learn that strenuous effort, deep relaxation, and everything in between are valuable.

A child only owes effort that is either freely promised or needed for survival.

BE PERFECT

Examples

Good Parenting: "You did a great job on that!" - "I like it when you do something so well! - "Wow!"

Bad Parenting: "Why can't you be like Judy?" - "C's are not OK in this house!" - "Don't you ever learn?"

Children need to learn that the pursuit of excellence in a self-chosen area is wonderful, and that doing your best is fun, but it is seldom a necessity. Perfection is impossible. The pursuit of excellence is a process. PLEASE ME

Examples

Good Parenting: All of the above PLUS a million forms of seduction ("promises").

Bad Parenting: All of the above PLUS a million kinds of threats.

EVERYTHING we tell a child to do shows them what pleases us. What they need to learn - and what we need to learn - is that we can love, accept, and be proud of them even when they don't please us.

Pleasing us and displeasing us are both options. Children need much experience at both to prepare them for adult life.

THE WORST DRIVER OF ALL

Physical abuse teaches children that their behavior is more important than they are. Abusive parents teach kids "Don't Be."

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WHAT'S A PARENT TO DO?

Cut down on the number of times you say ANY of the "drivers" with your children.

FOR EVERY TIME YOU USE A "DRIVER" USE THE FOLLOWING "ALLOWER" AT LEAST TWICE:

For "Be strong." -----> "It's OK to be weak (sad, scared..) sometimes."

For "Hurry up." -----> "Take YOUR time."

For "Try Hard." -----> "Do."

For "Be Perfect." -----> "Take risks... make mistakes... learn..."

For "Please Me." -----> "Please yourself... Do It YOUR Way..."

"Don't Be." -----> "I want you to LIVE!...I'm so glad you are here!"

Notice which driver hurt YOU most in your life, then use the appropriate "allower" VERY frequently...

To YOURSELF, and With Your Children.

Remember: THE PERSON IS ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE BEHAVIOR!

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next: Teenagers

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

The answer to this question can be stated quickly and clearly, but understanding the answer can take a lifetime.

THE QUICK ANSWER

Don't blame your parents unless you have to. But do hold them, and yourself, RESPONSIBLE.

EXAMPLE: "THE STUPID GENIUS"

Suppose you have a high IQ but you believe you are "stupid." You remember that your father called you "stupid" over and over as you were growing up. Should you blame him for giving you this problem?

Blaming him will help you to feel better (because you are releasing anger) but it won't fix anything.

Regardless of whether you blame your father or not, you won't really change your opinion of yourself until you start simply holding him responsible for his treatment of you and you responsible for believing him all these years.

Some unromantic day it will dawn on you that he was simply wrong.

This is the day you will actually change.

You will finally be ready to change because you finally understand and accept these two things about responsibility: That your father is responsible for his errors, and, that YOU (not him!) are responsible for fixing the damage he caused.

BUT IN THE REAL WORLD...

Unfortunately, most of us NEED to go through a period of blaming before we can change.

And, even more unfortunately, many people can't even get to the blaming stage until after they've experienced a whole lot of compassion, support, love and affection.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT -- ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS:

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DO I USUALLY LOVE MYSELF AND TAKE GOOD CARE OF MYSELF?

If the answer is "Yes!," congratulations! (Move on to the next question....)

If the answer is "No," you haven't received enough love in your life - and it probably started in childhood with parents who emotionally or physically abandoned you. You may not even feel much anger at your parents for this, because you are so used to believing that you are worthless, and that you are the problem.

What To Do:

Spend all of your energy trying to find and absorb the love, support, compassion, respect, and affection you need. Get these things from many different people. (Not just your spouse, or your therapist, or any one individual.)

What To Expect:

After you receive enough love you will eventually begin to love yourself. Then you will probably begin to feel your anger at your parents and you are ready for question #2.

WOULD IT FEEL GOOD TO BLAME MY PARENTS?

REMEMBER: If it would feel good to blame them, but you would feel guilty afterwards, the answer is still "Yes, it would feel good to blame them." [See articles on guilt.]

If "No," congratulations! (Move on to the next question.....)

If the answer is "Yes," you can try all you want to stop blaming your parents, but you won't be able to stop it until all that anger is out.

What To Do:

Let yourself really dive into your anger at your parents! Go ahead and blame them all you want! Even have a few "temper tantrums" if you can arrange it. Make sure that nothing you do is going to cause physical injury to yourself or anyone else, but except for that caution: Don't Hold Back! (Most people do all of this alone in their houses or in their cars. Some people do it with a close friend or in therapy.) It is not necessary to confront your parents in person, but it's OK to do it if that's what you need.

Your goal should be to use up all of your anger as quickly as you can.

What To Expect:

Eventually (after weeks or months usually) you will notice that your anger is finally gone. Then you will be ready to make real changes in your life and you are ready for the final questions.

AM I DONE BLAMING MY PARENTS ?

DO I KNOW THEY MY PARENTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR MISTAKES?

DO I ACCEPT THAT I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR FIXING THEIR MISTAKES?

If the answer to any of these is "No," go back to question #1 or #2.

If the answers are all "Yes," sit back, relax, and make a list of all of the REAL changes you are now willing and able to make in your adult life. If making these real changes is easy now, you are in great shape!

If making these changes is still extremely hard, you probably lied to yourself in an earlier question!

(Sorry....)

ENJOY YOUR CHANGES!

next: Discipline

Narcissism at a Glance

1. What is pathological Narcissism
2. Origins of pathological narcissism
3. Narcissistic regression and the formation of secondary narcissism
4. Primitive defense mechanisms
5. The dysfunctional family
6. The issue of separation and individuation
7. Childhood traumas and the development of the development of the narcissistic personality
8. Freud versus Jung
9. Kohut's approach
10. Karen Horney's contributions
11. Otto Kernberg
12. Bibliography
13. Watch the video on Pathological Narcissism

What is Pathological Narcissism?

Primary Narcissism, in psychology is a defense mechanism, common in the formative years (6 months to 6 years old). It is intended to shield the infant and toddler from the inevitable hurt and fears involved in the individuation-separation phase of personal development.

Secondary or pathological narcissism is a pattern of thinking and behaving in adolescence and adulthood, which involves infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of others. It manifests in the chronic pursuit of personal gratification and attention (narcissistic supply), in social dominance and personal ambition, bragging, insensitivity to others, lack of empathy and/or excessive dependence on others to meet his/her responsibilities in daily living and thinking. Pathological narcissism is at the core of the narcissistic personality disorder.

The term narcissism was first used in relation to human psychology by Sigmund Freud after the figure of Narcissus in Greek mythology. Narcissus was a handsome Greek youth who rejected the desperate advances of the nymph Echo. As a punishment, he was doomed to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to consummate his love, Narcissus pined away and changed into the flower that bears his name, the narcissus.

 

Other major psychiatrists who contributed to the theory are Melanie Klein, Karen Horney, Heinz Kohut, Otto F. Kernberg, Theodore Millon, Elsa F. Ronningstam, John Gunderson, Robert Hare, and Stephen M. Johnson.

Origins of pathological narcissism

Whether pathological narcissism is the result of genetic programming (see Jose Lopez, Anthony Bemis and others) or of dysfunctional families and faulty upbringing or of anomic societies and disruptive socialisation processes - is still an unresolved debate. The scarcity of scientific research, the fuzziness of the diagnostic criteria and the differential diagnoses make it unlikely that this will be settled soon one way or the other.

Certain medical conditions can activate the narcissistic defense mechanism. Chronic ailments are likely to lead to the emergence of narcissistic traits or a narcissistic personality style. Traumas (such as brain injuries) have been known to induce states of mind akin to full-blown personality disorders.

Such "narcissism", though, is reversible and tends to be ameliorated or disappear altogether when the underlying medical problem does. Psychoanalysis teaches that we are all narcissistic at an early stage of our lives. As infants and toddlers we all feel that we are the centre of the Universe, the most important, omnipotent and omniscient beings. At that phase of our development, we perceive our parents as mythical figures, immortal and awesomely powerful but there solely to cater to our needs, to protect and nourish us. Both Self and others are viewed immaturely, as idealisations. This, in the psychodynamic models, is called the phase of "primary" narcissism.

Inevitably, the inexorable conflicts of life lead to disillusionment. If this process is abrupt, inconsistent, unpredictable, capricious, arbitrary and intense, then the injuries sustained by the infant's self-esteem are severe and often irreversible. Moreover, if the empathic crucial support of our caretakers (the Primary Objects, e.g., the parents) is absent, our sense of self-worth and self-esteem in adulthood tends to fluctuate between over-valuation (idealisation) and devaluation of both Self and others. Narcissistic adults are widely thought to be the result of bitter disappointment, of radical disillusionment in the significant others in their infancy. Healthy adults realistically accept their self-limitations and successfully cope with disappointments, setbacks, failures, criticism and disillusionment. Their self-esteem and sense of self-worth are self-regulated and constant and positive, not substantially affected by outside events.

Narcissistic regression and the formation of secondary narcissism

Research shows that when an individual (at any age) encounters an insurmountable obstacle to his or her orderly progression from one stage of personal development to another, he or she regresses to his infantile-narcissistic phase rather than circumvent the hindrance (Gunderson-Ronningstam, 1996).

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While in regression, the person displays childish, immature behaviors. He feels that he is omnipotent, and misjudges his power and that of his opposition. He underestimates challenges facing him and pretends to be "Mr. Know-All". His sensitivity to the needs and emotions of others and his ability to empathise with them deteriorate sharply. He becomes intolerably haughty and arrogant, with sadistic and paranoid tendencies. Above all, he then seeks unconditional admiration, even when he does not deserve it. He is preoccupied with fantastic, magical thinking and daydreams. In this mode he tends to exploit others, to envy them, and to be explosive.

The main function of such reactive and transient secondary narcissism is to encourage the individual to engage in magical thinking, to wish the problem away or to enchant it or to tackle and overcome it from a position of omnipotence.

A personality disorder arises only when repeated attacks on the obstacle continue to fail -- especially if this recurrent failure happens during the formative stages (0-6 years of age). The contrast between the fantastic world (temporarily) occupied by the individual and the real world in which he keeps being frustrated (the grandiosity gap) is too acute to countenance for long. The dissonance gives rise to the unconscious "decision" to go on living in the world of fantasy, grandiosity and entitlement.

The dynamics of narcissism

Primitive defense mechanisms

Narcissism is a defense mechanism related to the splitting defense mechanism. The Narcissist fails to regard other people, situations, or entities (political parties, countries, races, his workplace) as a compound of good and bad elements. He either idealises his object - or devalues it. The object is either all good or all bad. The bad attributes are always projected, displaced, or otherwise externalised. The good ones are internalised in order to support the inflated (grandiose) self-concepts of the narcissist and his grandiose fantasies - and to avoid the pain of deflation and disillusionment.

The narcissist pursues narcissistic supply (attention, both positive and negative) and uses it to regulate his fragile and fluctuating sense of self-worth.

The dysfunctional family

Research shows that most narcissists are born into dysfunctional families. Such families are characterised by massive denials, both internal ("you do not have a real problem, you are only pretending") and external ("you must never tell the secrets of the family to anyone"). Abuse in all forms is not uncommon in such families. These families may encourage excellence, but only as means to a narcissistic end. The parents are usually themselves needy, emotionally immature, and narcissistic and thus unable to recognize or respect the child's emerging boundaries and emotional needs. This often leads to defective or partial socialisation and to problems with sexual identity.

The issue of separation and individuation

According to psychodynamic theories of personal development, parents (primary objects) and, more specifically, mothers are the first agents of socialisation. It is through his mother that the child explores the most important questions, the answers to which will shape his entire life. Later on, she is the subject of his nascent sexual cravings (if the child is a male) - a diffuse sense of wanting to merge, physically, as well as spiritually. This object of love is idealised and internalised and becomes part of our conscience (the superego in the psychoanalytic model).

Growing up entails the gradual detachment from the mother and the redirection of the sexual attraction from her to other, socially appropriate objects. These are the keys to an independent exploration of the world, to personal autonomy and to a strong sense of self. If any of these phases is thwarted (sometimes by the mother herself, who won't "let go") the process of differentiation or separation-individuation is not successfully completed, autonomy and a coherent sense of self are not achieved and the person is characterized by dependence and immaturity.

It is by no means universally accepted that children go through a phase of separation from their parents and through the consequent individuation. Scholars like Daniel Stern, in his book, "The Interpersonal World of the Infant" (1985), concludes that children possess selves and are separated from their caregivers from the very start.

Childhood traumas and the development of the narcissistic personality

Early childhood abuse and traumas trigger coping strategies and defense mechanisms, including narcissism. One of the coping strategies is to withdraw inwards, to seek gratification from a secure, reliable and permanently-available source: from one's self. The child, fearful of further rejection and abuse, refrains from further interaction and resorts to grandiose fantasies of being loved and self-sufficient. Repeated hurt may lead to the development of a narcissistic personality.

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Schools of Thought

Freud versus Jung

Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) is credited for the first coherent theory of narcissism. He described transitions from subject-directed libido to object-directed libido through the intermediation and agency of the parents. To be healthy and functional, the transitions must be smooth and unperturbed; otherwise neuroses result. Thus, if a child fails to attract their love and attention of his or her desired objects (e.g., of his parents), the child regresses to the narcissistic phase.

The first occurrence of narcissism is adaptive in that it trains the child to love an available object (his or her self) and to feel gratified. But regressing from a later stage to "secondary narcissism" is maladaptive. It is an indication of failure to direct the libido to the "right" targets (to objects, such as the child's parents).

If this pattern of regression persists, a "narcissistic neurosis" is formed. The narcissist stimulates his self habitually in order to derive pleasure and gratification. The narcissist prefers fantasy to reality, grandiose self-conception to realistic appraisal, masturbation and sexual fantasies to mature adult sex and daydreaming to real life achievements.

Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961) pictured the psyche as a repository of archetypes (conscious representations of adaptive behaviors). Fantasies are a way of accessing these archetypes and releasing them. In Jungian psychology, regressions are compensatory processes intended to enhance adaptation, not methods of obtaining or securing a steady flow of gratification.

Freud and Jung also disagree about introversion. Introversion is indispensable to narcissism, while extroversion is a necessary condition for orienting to a libidinal object. Freud regards introversion as an instrument in the service of a pathology. Jung, in contrast, regards introversion as a useful tool in the service of the endless psychic quest for adaptation strategies (narcissism being one such strategy).

Nevertheless, even Jung acknowledged that the very need for a new adaptation strategy means that adaptation has failed. So although introversion per se is by definition not pathological, the use made of it can be pathological.

Jung distinguished introverts (those who habitually concentrate on their selves rather than on outside objects) from extroverts (the opposite). Introversion is considered a normal and natural function in childhood, and remains normal and natural even if it dominates later mental life. To Jung, pathological narcissism is a matter of degree: it is exclusive and all-pervasive.

Kohut's Approach

Heinz Kohut said that pathological narcissism is not the result of excessive narcissism, libido or aggression. It is the result of defective, deformed or incomplete narcissistic (self) structures. Kohut postulated the existence of core constructs which he named: the Grandiose Exhibitionistic Self and the Idealised Parent Imago. Children entertain notions of greatness (primitive or naive grandiosity) mingled with magical thinking, feelings of omnipotence and omniscience and a belief in their immunity to the consequences of their actions. These elements and the child's feelings regarding its parents (which are also painted by it with a brush of omnipotence and grandiosity) - coalesce and form these constructs.

The child's feelings towards its parents are reactions to their responses (affirmation, buffering, modulation or disapproval, punishment, even abuse). Their responses help maintain the child's self-structures. Without the appropriate responses, grandiosity, for instance, cannot be transformed into adult ambitions and ideals.

To Kohut, grandiosity and idealisation are positive childhood development mechanisms. Even their reappearance in transference should not be considered a pathological narcissistic regression.

Kohut says that narcissism (subject-love) and object-love coexist and interact throughout life. He agrees with Freud that neuroses are accretions of defence mechanisms, formations, symptoms, and unconscious conflicts. But he identified a whole new class of disorders: the self-disorders. These are the result of the perturbed development of narcissism.

Self disorders are the results of childhood traumas of either not being "seen", or of being regarded as an "extension" of the parents, a mere instrument of gratification. Such children develop to become adults who are not sure that they do exist (lack a sense of self-continuity) or that they are worth anything (lack of stable sense of self-worth, or self-esteem).

Karen Horney's contributions

Horney said that personality was shaped mostly by environmental issues, social or cultural. Horney believed that people (children) needed to feel secure, to be loved, protected, emotionally nourished and so on. Horney argued that anxiety is a primary reaction to the very dependence of the child on adults for his survival. Children are uncertain (of love, protection, nourishment, nurturance), so they become anxious.

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Defenses such as narcissism are developed to compensate for the intolerable and gradual realisation that adults are merely human: capricious, unfair, unpredictable, non-dependable. Defences provide both satisfaction and a sense of security.

Otto Kernberg

Otto Kernberg (1975, 1984, 1987) is a senior member of the Object Relations school in Psychology (comprising also Kohut, Klein, and Winnicott). Kernberg regards as artificial the division between Object Libido (energy directed at people) and Narcissistic Libido (energy directed at the self). Whether the child develops a normal or a pathological form of narcissism depends on the relations between the representations of the self (the image of the self that the child forms in his or her mind) and the representations of objects (the images of other people that the child forms in his or her mind). It is also dependent on the relationship between the representations of the self and real objects. The development of pathological narcissism is also determined by instinctual conflicts related both to the libido and to aggression.

Kernberg's concept of Self is closely related to Freud's concept of Ego. The Self is dependent upon the unconscious, which exerts a constant influence on all mental functions. Pathological narcissism, therefore, reflects a libidinal investment in a pathologically structured Self and not in a normal, integrative structure of the Self. The narcissist suffers from a Self, which is devalued or fixated on aggression.

All object relations of such a pathological Self are detached from the real objects (because they often cause hurt and narcissistic injury) and involve dissociation, repression, or projection onto other objects. Narcissism is not merely a fixation on an early developmental stage. It is not confined to the failure to develop intra-psychic structures. It is an active, libidinal investment in a deformed structure of the Self.

next: Narcissistic Personality Disorder Tips

Bibliography

• • Alford, C. Fred - Narcissism: Socrates, the Frankfurt School and Psychoanalytic Theory - New Haven and London, Yale University Press - 1988 ISBN 0300040644
  • Fairbairn, W. R. D. - An Object Relations Theory of the Personality - New York, Basic Books, 1954 ISBN 0465051634
  • Freud S. - Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality (1905) - Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud - Vol. 7 - London, Hogarth Press, 1964 ISBN 0465097081
  • Freud, S. - On Narcissism - Standard Edition - Vol. 14 - pp. 73-107
  • Golomb, Elan - Trapped in the Mirror : Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self - Quill, 1995 ISBN 0688140718
  • Greenberg, Jay R. and Mitchell, Stephen A. - Object Relations in Psychoanalytic Theory - Cambridge, Mass., Harvard University Press, 1983 ISBN 0674629752
  • Grunberger, Bela - Narcissism: Psychoanalytic Essays - New York, International Universities Press - 1979 ISBN 0823634914
  • Guntrip, Harry - Personality Structure and Human Interaction - New York, International Universities Press - 1961 ISBN 0823641201
  • Horowitz M.J. - Sliding Meanings: A defense against threat in narcissistic personalities - International Journal of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy - 1975;4:167
  • Jacobson, Edith - The Self and the Object World - New York, International Universities Press - 1964 ISBN 0823660605
  • Kernberg O. - Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism - New York, Jason Aronson, 1975 ISBN 0876681771
  • Klein, Melanie - The Writings of Melanie Klein - Ed. Roger Money-Kyrle - 4 vols. - New York, Free Press - 1964-75 ISBN 0029184606
  • Kohut H. - The Analysis of the Self - New York, International Universities Press, 1971 ISBN 0823601455
  • Lasch, Christopher - The Culture of Narcissism - New York, Warner Books, 1979 ISBN 0393307387
  • Lowen, Alexander - Narcissism : Denial of the True Self - Touchstone Books, 1997 ISBN 0743255437
  • Millon, Theodore (and Roger D. Davis, contributor) - Disorders of Personality: DSM IV and Beyond - 2nd ed. - New York, John Wiley and Sons, 1995 ISBN 047101186X
  • Millon, Theodore - Personality Disorders in Modern Life - New York, John Wiley and Sons, 2000 ISBN 0471237345
  • Ronningstam, Elsa F. (ed.) - Disorders of Narcissism: Diagnostic, Clinical, and Empirical Implications - American Psychiatric Press, 1998 ISBN 0765702592
  • Rothstein, Arnold - The Narcissistic Pursuit of Reflection - 2nd revised ed. - New York, International Universities Press, 1984
  • Schwartz, Lester - Narcissistic Personality Disorders - A Clinical Discussion - Journal of Am. Psychoanalytic Association - 22 (1974): 292-305
  • Stern, Daniel - The Interpersonal World of the Infant: A View from Psychoanalysis and Developmental Psychology - New York, Basic Books, 1985 ISBN 0465095895
  • Vaknin, Sam - Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited - Skopje and Prague, Narcissus Publications, 1999-2005 ISBN 8023833847
  • Zweig, Paul - The Heresy of Self-Love: A Study of Subversive Individualism - New York, Basic Books, 1968 ISBN 0691013713

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next: Narcissistic Personality Disorder Tips

Questions to ask your doctor if you are diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Review the following 'Questions To Ask' about bipolar disorder so you're prepared to discuss this important health issue with your health care professional.

1. What has led you to my diagnosis of bipolar disorder?

2. What are the names and types of my medications and what are they supposed to do?

3. How and when do I take these medications? Are there any side effects?

4. Will they react with one another?

5. What should I do if I notice side effects?

6. How long do I have to take these medications?

7. What if I want to become pregnant? How will my medications and/or my condition affect my pregnancy, my baby, and the safety of my nursing my baby?

8. Would I benefit from psychological counseling?

9. How can I keep my sleeping patterns regular?

10. What should I do if I begin to have trouble sleeping or waking up?

11. Other than medication, counseling, and attention to my sleep-wake cycle, what other things could I do to increase my chances of staying well?

next: Bipolar Disorder: Preventing a Relapse
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

To give out shame bearing black and white messages in the name of teaching love, is to me, just as destructive as a parent shaming a child to try to control them. Our society teaches us to be shaming, manipulative, and controlling in the name of love and I find it just as screwed up and dysfunctional as fighting war in the name of God.

It is very attractive for people to believe that they can evolve spiritually without doing their grief work. Emotions are messy, especially the old repressed ones that can feel so overwhelming. It is natural and normal for human beings to want to do things the easier, softer way. So, many people want to hear someone tell them that it is possible to become enlightened without healing emotionally. Many of those so called experts will even teach that if one is feeling the emotions then one is doing something wrong.

Many people who are drawn to the New Age movement are still looking for the right way to do things, for the source outside of themselves that will give them the answers, for the aliens in space ships who will save them from the pain of this human experience. The goal in this Age of Healing and Joy, in my understanding, is to learn to look within to find The Source. To own our Spiritual Essence and our humanity - and to integrate Spirituality into the human experience so that we can achieve some balance in this human dance we are doing.

One does not have to be perfect to be a channel. One of the most important best selling books - a book that introduced millions of people to seeing life from a spiritual perspective - was written by a practicing alcoholic. Some of the greatest spiritual teachers have a marvelous gift for communicating Truth - but have a problem with applying that Truth in relationship to themselves.

Anyone who teaches that there is a right and wrong way to heal, is trapped in the black and white, polarized thinking of the disease of codependence. Anyone who gives the message that there is a destination to be reached is empowering the concept of conditional love. Anyone who gives shaming messages is projecting their own unhealed wounds outward.

This is an important issue to me, because black and white misinterpretations of Metaphysical law cause codependents to judge and shame themselves - which is not aligned with the ultimate Metaphysical Truth of Love.

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We have now entered a very special time in human history. An Age of Healing and Joy has dawned in human consciousness on this planet. We now have tools, knowledge, and most importantly, clearer access to healing energy and Spiritual guidance than has ever before been available in recorded human history on this planet.

One of the perfect things that came into my path to stimulate me was a quote that I saw in a post to a mailing list I am on. This was the quote:

What is not love is fear.
Anger is one of fear's most potent faces.
And it does exactly what fear wants it to do.
It keeps us from receiving love at exactly
the moment when we need it most.
-- Marianne Williamson

This is an emotional trigger for me. It really makes me angry. And it was, of course, perfect since right at that time I was writing my article about finding emotional balance through inner child healing - the article that was focused on "through the fear." The message that there is only love and fear, is one that I have seen in quite a few places - from various authors, belief systems, Spiritual teachers. It is a message that in my opinion is not only inaccurate, but is also abusive and shaming.

I will talk first about why it is an emotional trigger for me, and then why I think it is inaccurate.

It is an emotional trigger for me because I interpret statements like this one to be saying that fear - and anger - are negative things that one should not experience if one is evolved enough. That one who is enlightened should be in love all the time and not experience these negative emotions. It feels to me like what is being said is that if I am experiencing fear I am doing something wrong - that I haven't gotten "there" yet.

The reason that I have an emotional trigger around this kind of statement, that I give it power, is because I am judging myself on some level. My disease is still in there giving me the message that something is wrong with me, that I am defective, that I am not doing it "right." Other people's judgments have no power over me unless there is a level within me where I am judging myself. And I believe that as long as I am in this body, on this plane, in this lifetime, that old programming will not go away completely. It does not have anywhere near the power it used to possess. Where is used to be a big monster screaming at me, now it is like a cricket in the corner chirping at me. But even a little cricket chirping can get real annoying at times.

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Because I teach best what I need most to learn, and I am trying to learn how to Love myself - I am sensitive about messages like this, because I know how much power they can carry. As a recovering codependent, I know how long and hard I have had to work to learn to honor my own Truth and my own feelings, instead of giving power to "experts." I have also learned on my path, how many of the so called experts were giving out shaming, judgmental messages because of their own wounds. I have empathy and compassion for them, but I also hold them responsible for the messages they convey. (Which are of course perfect for wherever they are on their own path.)

In working with codependents trying to overcome the power of the shame, I have often said, "You can't tell a shame based codependent enough that it was not their fault - that they were powerless to change until it was time to change." When people who are healers reinforce the judgment and shame of the disease through making black and white statements like the one above, I get angry because I have used such statements in the past to beat myself up. Until I learned how to have internal boundaries, and trust my own Truth, I took in statements from experts (whether they were authors or people with more recovery than I had or anyone that I saw as knowing more than defective me) and allowed it to fuel and feed my disease in shaming and judging and beating myself up. I am constantly needing to tell clients that such messages are not necessarily the Truth.

And of course, I have been going through a time of great fear, so I took the quote as a personal assault on me. At a time when I have been recently struggling to be Loving to myself, this type of message is not one that reinforces the belief that I am Lovable and worthy. To give out shame bearing black and white messages in the name of teaching love, is to me, just as destructive as a parent shaming a child to try to control them. Our society teaches us to be shaming, manipulative, and controlling in the name of love and I find it just as screwed up and dysfunctional as fighting war in the name of God.

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Metaphysical

Now, to get into why I believe such statements are inaccurate. I am going to be responding out of my personal Spiritual Belief System, out of my own understanding of Metaphysical Truth.

On the Highest level, the Absolute Truth - the only True Reality of the God-Force, Goddess Energy, Great Spirit, what I call in my Trilogy, The Holy Mother Source Energy - is the ONENESS of the energy of ALL THAT IS vibrating at the frequency of Absolute Harmony, which is LOVE. At that level, there is only LOVE. We are all part of that ONENESS, of that LOVE.

The reality in which we are experiencing being separate, individual entities called human beings in a linear three-dimensional time/space reality is an illusion, a dream, a figment of the Great Spirit's imagination. It is a holographic illusion caused by the illusion that energy can exist separate from The Universal Source. Within this Illusion, there exist many other illusions - death, suffering, fear, anger, polarity, scarcity and lack, etc. There are many levels to that Illusion.

It is very difficult to communicate about multiple levels of reality in polarized, three-dimensional language. In my writing I try to differentiate by using LOVE to refer to the vibrational frequency of The Goddess, Love to refer to the Transcendent (transcendent through multiple levels within the Illusion) vibrational frequency which we humans can tune into, and love to identify the manifestation that occurs on the human level of experience.

In my understanding, we cannot experience LOVE as long as we are experiencing being separate individual entities - because in LOVE we are part of ALL, of the ONENESS. We can experience Love when our internal channel is clear enough - or in some cases, we can experience something very close to that Transcendent emotion through temporary artificial means. The goal in healing and recovery is to align ourselves with Truth to a degree that allows us to tune into Love as much of the time as is possible in a natural way. It is not possible to be tuned into that Love all of the time. In the times we are not tuned into Love, there will be times when we feel fear.

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The Absolute Truth of God is Love, Joy, and Abundance. It can be said that Love is all there is. It could be said that fear and anger are a result of not being in tune with Love. But to say that, is to deny that while in human body, it is not possible to be tuned into Love in every moment of the day. The most enlightened person on the planet will experience a moment of visceral, instinctive fear when a plane they are riding in takes a sudden plunge or a car swerves in front of them or some such thing. That fear of the unknown, that survival supporting programming, is something that is inherent in being human. The more enlightened someone is, the sooner they let go of that fear and move back into an enlightened state of being - but they still feel it.

That kind of fear is not bad or wrong or the result of not being evolved enough. What is dysfunctional are layers of fear that are a result of the trauma and programming of the disease. As I said in the article about fear, most of the levels of fear we experience are dysfunctional and silly. I believe that people who say that there is only fear and love, are talking about those dysfunctional levels of fear. But to make a statement in black and white terms that convey the message that fear is negative - is in my opinion, not only inaccurate but also shaming.

It is also directly related to the reality that not only does traditional science, medicine, and psychology discount emotions - treat them as a chemical reaction or an extension of thought, but many of the so called New Age teachers do the same. Emotions are, on one level, chemical reactions - just as on another level, our emotional reactions are very much influenced by our mental attitudes. But emotions are also energy that exists in a very real way on the etheric plane in the emotional body. To discount the level in which emotions are energy is very dysfunctional in my belief. To discount the emotional energy that was generated in our childhood, and still exists in our being, is to discount our own experiences and being - to say nothing of being very dangerous to our physical and mental health.

It is very attractive for people to believe that they can evolve spiritually without doing their grief work. Emotions are messy, especially the old repressed ones that can feel so overwhelming. It is natural and normal for human beings to want to do things the easier, softer way. So, many people want to hear someone tell them that it is possible to become enlightened without healing emotionally. Many of those so called experts will even teach that if one is feeling the emotions then one is doing something wrong.

I believe that such teachings are inaccurate. I believe that our emotions are an important and vital part of our being that needs to be owned and honored. I believe that fear is a teacher that helps us move toward Love, that helps us to learn how to love ourselves. I do not believe that, in and of itself, it is wrong or bad or the opposite of love. Our relationship with it can cause it to be very dysfunctional - which is why we need to own it so we can change our relationship with it. The reality of being human is that this experience is really scary sometime. I am saying that is OK - that it is not shameful or unevolved to feel fear.

This is getting way too long here, so I am just going to mention quickly some of the other messages that I find disturbing - especially coming from people who are supposed to be teachers.

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Free Will - free will is an illusion that exists within certain levels of the illusion. On the highest level, we are all part of the ONENESS and nothing any of us do can change that - because ONENESS is the highest Truth. On Lower levels we have free will to a certain extent. All of our actions on the physical plane however are governed by the Law of Karma - so that free will exists within the context of Karmic settlement.

Choosing your parents - this is another one that is governed by Karma. We did not have the choice of any parents in the world to be born to - we had limited choices that were aligned with settling the Karma we needed to settle.

Abundance - as long as we are in the Karmic realm, let me address abundance. Some of us came into this lifetime with issues to heal around money and financial abundance. Other people had already done their healing around abundance issues - or will do it in some future life. People that have a very easy time manifesting financial abundance are not better than, or more evolved than, people who have struggled financially in this lifetime. It is just about having different types of paths - it is not something that rich people are justified in judging other people for (or vice versa), or that anyone needs to feel ashamed of because it means you are doing something wrong.

Now, all of us have childhood experiences that are reflections of the Karmic debts we need to settle. That means, that things in childhood wounded us around the issues we are here to work on and heal. So, like any other issues, abundance is an area that many people need to work on - to remove the dysfunctional, self sabotaging programming that comes from our childhood. As long as we are working on uncovering our wounds and healing them, we are doing our part in the process. It is important to learn to accept and Love ourselves no matter where we are in regard to any issue, and not give any issue (such as not having money) the power to affect our sense of self worth - or set us up to think that we are doing something wrong if we have not reached "there" yet. We may never get "there" in this lifetime - it is important not to buy into being the victim of ourselves in relationship to any issue.

Being Creators of our life - this is one that I run into in Metaphysical New Thought Churches sometimes, as well as in other New Age type associations. The law of mind action which states that what we focus on is what we create - is True. The problem is that isn't the whole Truth. There are other factors involved - including Karma. We are co-creators in our life - not the sole creator.

It is also, one of the black and white statements that are sometimes made that can convey shaming messages if not qualified. Telling someone they are creating their own reality without also telling them that they were programmed to come from fear and negativity - and that they were powerless over that programming until they learned they can change it - can cause codependents to feel ashamed. It is a Truth but not the whole Truth.

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Polarity - polarization of the energy field of Collective Human Intellectual Consciousness - the Lower Mind - is what set up the dysfunction in human existence. It is what empowered the illusion of separation. Polarity is not only part of the problem, it was causal in creating the problem - the human dilemma. To empower polarity, by making black and white statements is to me, a sign that someone is not looking at the human experience from a large enough paradigm. As wonderful a person as I am sure Marianne Williamson is - and she is a wonderful teacher who has brought enlightenment and a new perspective on Love to many, many people - I deduce from statements like the one above, that she still has some black and white judgments going on in her relationship with herself. That is not bad or wrong - just human.

Statements such as hers above, give the message that fear and anger are negative and shameful. I very much disagree. The dysfunction in our relationships with ourselves have resulted in fear and anger being manifested in some really awful ways - but that does not impart negative value to the emotions themselves. Our planet was stuck in a negative paradigm, one that was reversed to the Truth of Love, for thousands of years. The whole human race was the victim of planetary conditions that caused humans to react to this human experience from a place of fear and survival, from a paradigm that empowered belief in lack, scarcity, and negativity. It was the human condition - not something that any individual human being should judge them self for.

This is a New Age, as I explain in my book. The energy field of Collective Human Emotional Consciousness has reversed to a place in alignment with Love instead of opposing it. That is why there is a Transformational Healing Movement happening on this planet. We are learning to Love - and that needs to start with Loving our self enough to stop shaming and judging our self for being wounded humans. It is really helpful if the people who are at the forefront of the movement are not giving out shaming, judgmental messages.

But, of course, everything is unfolding perfectly. And the reason I react to such things is because of my own emotional wounds that I am working on healing. Marianne is perfectly where she is supposed to be, just as I am - just as we all are. There are just a lot of times when it doesn't feel like it. In my belief, we are Spiritual Beings who are extensions of the God-Force, Great Spirit, Goddess Energy - having a human experience that is a form of boarding school. We are all going to get to go Home. We are all in Truth Home already on some level of our being. We are waking up and remembering that. It is a joyous and exciting time to be alive.

next: Old Souls and Karma

This article appears as the foreword in the book, "25 Words or Less: How to Write Like a Pro to Find That Special Someone Through Personal Ads" by Emily Thornton Calvo & Laurence Minsky. To order, click here!

Larry's Review: Well written. "Who me? I'll never be desperate enough to pay for a personal ad!" If you've ever made that statement, you haven't read what these two professional copywriters have to say about it. Even if you never place a personal ad, you'll find this book enlightening and entertaining. This book refines the art of the personals to a distinct science. "I especially liked the Foreword," he said, "with his tongue in cheek!"

Does this sound familiar? You only intended to get something cold to drink at the local Quick Trip® and on the way back to your car, you stopped by the rusty rack outside and scanned the selection of local magazines chock full of personal ads.

You couldn't resist picking up the copy with a picture of a good looking couple proclaimed to be their most recent "personal ads" success story. Suddenly, you find yourself scanning the "personals," strictly for entertainment purposes, of course. You flip over to whatever section you might fit into to see what kind of people might be there. Oh, what fun!

You notice that there are some words in those ads that always seem to pop up; attractive and fun loving. Pretty redundant, huh? The people all appear to be exercise freaks, love to have fun and love the outdoors; surely they over-exaggerate. Your chances of meeting that special someone from this motley crew are about as slim as winning the lottery.

What kind of a person would really advertise for a love partner? They would have to be someone who can't get a date; social outcasts, right? They all have to be fifty pounds overweight, totally desperate for love and look like Elmer Fudd or Roseanne.

Your thoughts turn to who would actually be brave enough to call the phone number listed at the end of the ad and just how much cash would someone be willing to part with to place these silly personal ads or make that 900 number call?

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Our passion to find a playmate with whom we can share laughs, have fun with or perhaps even spend the rest of our life with is so strong that we often go to almost any lengths to make the connection.

Personal ads is big business. You will find them everywhere; magazines, newspapers, television, radio, billboards and the latest high tech ads are now appearing on the internet and the online services.

Those who are willing to learn the strategies of placing an ad, using the right words for maximum results, how to return calls, introducing yourself and where to place the ad, may be in for a great surprise. What if they worked?

While some might scoff at the very thought of "advertising" for a love partner, the many successful relationships that have occurred as a result of personal ads tells me that it is a viable way to attract a playmate, with a few caveats.

By applying the appropriate safety precautions, i.e., never give anyone your home or work address and avoid home phone numbers until you know them better, meet in busy public places (preferably in the afternoon), and in the beginning avoid "romantic dinners". . . meeting people by personal ads has come of age. When you discover someone you want to meet, ask them if they mind if you bring a friend. If this freaks them out, run the other way.

By the way, the same advice is relevant for people who decide to meet someone in person that they have only met in an online chat room. Remember, it is very easy to hide behind a screen name.

Advertising yourself is a fun way to meet people. It's about meeting people for the purpose of having someone special in your life, to have someone to talk with, to develop a healthy love relationship with, for mutual interests or just for the fun of meeting new friends.

My work with Dr. John Gray, Ph.D., author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus," as former host of his online chat room and my "Relationship Enrichment LoveShops" presented nationally, have highlighted two of the most common problems that occur in relationships.

First is undelivered communications.

When meeting singles through the personals, it is wise to play your cards close until you have had several face-to-face meetings and feel comfortable enough to begin fully sharing yourself. This occurs when there is a real connection; a mutual attraction and you both choose to pursue a relationship together.

Often we withhold what we know really needs to be said and by doing so, we temporarily shut down communications in the relationship. Trust is the foundation of all healthy love relationships. There can be no trust without conversation; no genuine intimacy without trust.

One of the secrets to having healthy love relationships is to never be afraid to openly and honestly discuss whatever is relevant to the success of the relationship.

The second most common problem in relationships is unfulfilled expectations.

When looking for a serious love relationship in the personal ads, it is important to put aside your expectations about how you "think" things will work out and be okay with the way they do.

Once you know you are moving in the direction of a relationship, it is wise to let go of all of your expectations. A problem occurs when we expect our partner to love us a certain way and when they don't, we are disappointed or, we expect them to do something or behave in a certain way, they don't (they missed our subtle hints), and again we experience disappointment. By the way, subtle hints don't work. No one can read your mind. Unfulfilled expectations cause relationship problems.

Instead we must learn to focus on what we "need" from the relationship. Everyone needs love. Discover the freedom that comes from allowing our love partner to love us the way "they" love us not the way we "expect" them to love us! We can best accomplish this by first discovering what we individually need from the relationship, then mutually communicating those needs to our love partner.

So, if you decide to try the personal ads, here are my suggestions in 25 words or less:

• Express yourself with honest words. Exercise caution when answering ads. Drop your expectations. Be yourself. Meet in a public place. Focus on having fun.

When you are ready. . . love will find you.

next: No Expectations, Fewer Disappointments!

with Larry James

Larry's Relationship Enrichment LoveShop is adapted from his books, "How to Really Love the One You're With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship", "LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing" and "Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers".

At last. . . An interactive workshop designed to help you fit the pieces of the relationship puzzle together in a healthy way; an inspirational gathering of people interested in transforming their present relationships into extraordinary love relationships!

The Premise. . . Relationships are something that must be worked on all the time, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed!

In this LoveShop you will learn. . .

How to really love the one you're with. . . the one you see in the mirror every morning, and how to really live with the one you love. . . your love partner!

Five powerful keys to successful and healthy love relationships!

The importance of making the distinction between expectations and needs!

New perspectives on handling relationship's biggest problems!

Powerful techniques that offers hope and insight into having whole and healthy love relationships!

Inspiration for unconditional loving!

How to have fun in and with your relationships! Lighten up!

The significance of the "little things;" preventing molehills from becoming mountains!

Humorous, entertaining and empowering ways to view the differences of women and men! Additional topics covered for Singles. . .

How to make things work when things begin to fall apart!

After the break-up. . . what's next? Alone again? The "how-tos" of working on YOU; preparing for love again!

The 3 BIGGEST Mistakes Newly Singles Make and How to Avoid Them

Re-entering the "Dating Game!" A review of the five stages of dating! (As presented in the book "Mars & Venus on a Date" by Dr. John Gray, Ph.D.)

(Optional) An open and candid discussion about physical intimacy between singles! How soon is "too soon?". . . and much more! Results You Can Expect. . .

More effective and loving communication!

A better understanding of how to be in a relationship that works!

The opportunity to get what you need from your relationship!

New ways of thinking that create extraordinary love relationships!

Courage to venture beyond 'what was' to 'what's next' where exciting personal breakthroughs await you!

A desire to give your relationship the attention it needs to grow and prosper!

The Promise. . . When you consistently work on the relationship you have with yourself, you bridge the gap between the relationship you have with your significant other, your personal and professional relationships!

"Larry James speaks from the heart. His words carefully craft a message of hope that inspires couples to work together in a spirit of love and understanding. The powerful effect of his work in the area of relationships can change your life!"

Jack Canfield, Bestselling Co-Aauthor
Chicken Soup for the Soul series

This workshop is presented nationally. It can be presented as a keynote address, as a spouse program or "men only/women only" sessions at conventions, association meetings, awards banquets, marriage or singles retreats and in churches. Church references.

Corporations are presenting Larry's personal relationship work to their employees as a way of helping them to better handle the stress of relationships at home and in the workplace. References from business leaders.

Call, write or send an e-mail for information about booking a "Singles Event," a Larry James "Relationship Enrichment LoveShop" or keynote for your group!

Larry James - CelebrateLove.com
P.O. Box 12695 - Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695
480 998-9411 - Fax 480 998-2173 - 800 725-9223
CelebrateLove @ cox.net

Larry's popular seminar, "Making Relationships Work; Personally and Professionally" is especially for businesses and networking professionals. It is adapted from Larry's first book, "The First Book of LifeSkills."

Speaker Referral Service - If you are looking for someone to speak on a subject other than relationships give us a call. Larry is a member of the National Speakers Association, has many friends who are speakers and will be happy to refer you to speakers who speak on other topics.

next: How To Really Love The One You're With

Words That Make Music

For Two Hearts Dancing

"Larry James' 'LoveNotes For Lovers'
are like Hershey's Kisses for the soul."

Gregory J.P. Godek, Bestselling Author
1001 Ways To Be Romantic &
The Portable Romantic

LoveNotes For Lovers is a collection of meditations, affirmations and reflections on love. A valued relationship is something you work on all the time, not only when its broken and needs to be fixed. LoveNotes For Lovers assists in that process. Every LoveNote is but one more piece of the relationship puzzle. The design of LoveNotes For Lovers is to help people fit the pieces of the relationship puzzle together in a healthy way. Each one is a mini-lesson in love.

LoveNotes For Lovers is a book for together lovers. . . husbands, wives and committed lovers; those who have found their true love. . . for love partners whose love has grown cold; those who would like to recapture the excitement that brought them together in the beginning. . . for lovers in waiting; those who are alone, no longer lonely and ready for a committed relationship.

Author and professional speaker, Larry James has again transformed words of love into brief, timeless gems of wisdom that empower the creation of healthy love relationships. In the tradition of his best selling book, "How to Really Love the One You're With," Larry James' LoveNotes For Lovers presents self-liberating insights, easy-to-read quotations, brief inspirational essays, and thought-provoking ideas.

LoveNote. . . Become a happiness enhancer. You can never make someone else happy. That is only and always their choice. You can, however, do things that enhance the happiness others' experience. Dream up a few happy and healthy ways to be that will turn your lover on to happiness. This calls for being creative with your thoughtfulness, being playfully attentive and caring enough to say, "I love you" for no other reason than you experience happiness when you express love in this random and thoughtful way.

Copyright © MCMXCV - Larry James.
From the book "Love Notes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing."

"LoveNotes for Lovers can move your relationships in the direction of acceptance, understanding, fulfillment and unconditional love."

Dr. John Gray, Ph.D., Author,
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

Here are some very special tips and suggestions about "How to Get the Most From Reading a Relationship Book."

If your favorite local book store is sold out or to have this book personally signed by the author for yourself or someone you love call: 800-725-9223

next: A Relationship Enrichment LoveShop