I am learning to see my love partner without distortion; to value her as highly as I value myself; to give without expecting anything in return; to commit myself fully to her welfare. Only then can love move freely between us without apparent effort. It's unconditional love between best friends.

When we are able to love in this selfless manner, we experience a release of energy. We cease to be consumed by the details of our relationship, or the need to operate within the artificial structure of exercises; we spontaneously treat each other with love and respect. Love becomes automatic.

My forever lover is my very best friend!

LoveNote. . . The only way to have a friend is to be one. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I believe that friendship among lovers is essential to unconditional love and is the primary ingredient for a deep and lasting love relationship. I trust her with the deepest murmurings of my soul. She knows the best and the worst of me and yet loves me through and through -- a friend as well as a lover.

LoveNote. . . Never close your lips to those to whom you have opened your heart. ~ Charles Dickens

In order to experience the kind of relationship I want, I accept the fact that, in order to understand each other, my love partner and I must have clearly developed channels of communication. I cultivate transparency of myself by being a master in the art of self-disclosure. I know that when the inclination to reveal myself to the one I love is blocked, I close myself to her and experience emotional difficulties. I promise to never hide behind a facade.

I will forever practice telling my love partner exactly what pleases me, decreasing her reliance on mental telepathy. I express preferences instead of demands. I believe that I can never know myself except as an outcome of disclosing myself to her.

In ways I may not fully understand, self-disclosure helps me to see things, feel things, imagine things, hope for things that I could never have thought possible. The invitation to transparency, then, is really an invitation to authenticity. It is also an invitation to allow myself to be vulnerable.

When I allow my love partner to see me for who I really am right now, I am less afraid I will be rejected in the future. When my love partner accepts and loves me unconditionally, I know I will never have to hide in the relationship in the future.

To have inner peace it is necessary to be consistently loving in what I think, in what I say and in what I do. I think thoughts of love. I speak words of love. I demonstrate unconditional love for my love partner in all that I do.

Openness means being willing to communicate my deepest feelings. There can be no intimacy without conversation. The only way my love partner and I can truly communicate is to tell the truth. Truthful communication moves love partners and creates a condition of unity, love and satisfaction.

For intimacy to grow in a healthy love relationship there can be no withholding; feelings - both positive and negative - must be shared equally between love partners. The act of withholding the truth is always potentially a lie.

The energy required for the self-discipline of honesty is far less than the energy required for withholding. My love partner and I are dedicated to the truth and live in the open, and through the exercise of our courage to live in the open, we become free from fear. Fear cannot exist whenever insight is valued above feeling frightened.

I listen when my lover shares without making judgment. My heart is always open to hear what my love partner has to say.

LoveNote. . . A good relationship is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude. Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against a wide sky. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Someone said that it is possible to be together so much that we suffocate each other. Perhaps. I do not allow this to happen in my love relationship. I believe that love includes letting go when my partner needs freedom; holding her close when she needs care. I am committed to creating space in my relationship when needed.

We have learned to cherish both intimacy and solitude. We never feel tied to each other.

LoveNote. . . Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade. ~ Leo Buscaglia

At the heart of love, there is a simple secret: the lover lets the beloved be free. My love partner and I require different mixes of independence and mutuality, and the mix is freely discussed and renegotiated from time to time when necessary.

When two people in a love relationship are complete within themselves they do not experience the love they have for others as diminishing, detracting, or threatening to the love they share. They are secure within the relationship.

Insecurities bring forth jealousy, which, in effect, is a cry for more love. It is within your rights to ask for more affection when self-doubts surface, however, the indirect way that jealousy asks for it is counterproductive. Excessive possessiveness is inappropriate. Jealousy is the surest way to drive away the very person you may fear losing.

It is an irony that the more possessive I am, the more love I demand, the less I receive; while the more freedom I give, the less I demand, the more love I receive. I take great pleasure in watching my love partner be fully free and fully alive!

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LoveNote. . . Love is not possessive. ~ I Corinthians 13:4

We encourage each other to widen our circle of friends. We each seek to ever expand our horizons. We enjoy celebrating life together and with friends!

I know that if I expect to be the only person who matters to my love partner I am setting myself up for disappointment. As wonderful as true love can be, no one person can meet all your needs. My love partner is, and will always be my very best friend, and she is not my only friend.

I fully expect my love partner to have other passionate interests other than me. To extend the freedom to develop her own interests in other people and hobbies can only empower our relationship. Freedom can never confine. It can never be detrimental to the relationship. It can only open up many exciting and previously undiscovered opportunities to enjoy life.

When my lover is pursuing areas in which she excels, she is happy. I enjoy her most when she is happy. People are easier to love when they are happy.

Trust is forever present in our love relationship; trust and deep commitment to each other, and loyalty and devotion. This allows us the freedom to care about people of the opposite sex and to enjoy friendships with them, and when we sit down together in the evening to share the events of the day, we do not have to ask if our love partner has been faithful.

LoveNote. . . Love from one being to another can only be that two solitudes come nearer, recognize and protect and comfort each other. ~ Han Suyin

The stronger and more secure we become, the more we are willing to be ourselves while encouraging our love partner to do the same.

Genuine unconditional love not only respects the individuality of the other but actually seeks to cultivate it, even at the risk of separation or loss. The ultimate goal remains the spiritual growth of my love partner, the solitary journey to peaks that can be climbed only alone.

LoveNote. . . But let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together; for the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. ~ Kahlil Gibran

I believe that no matter how committed my forever love relationship, I will always be "single" as well as a part of a couple. Unconditional love is a special, intense connection, and it is not an answer to all or even most individual problems. No one can make me happy but me.

Adapted from the book, "How to Really Love the One You're With."

Chapter 21 of Adam Khan's book, Self-Help Stuff That Works

STANLEY SCHACHTER SET UP the following experiment: He first divided his experimental subjects into two groups and gave them all a shot of adrenaline. Then the subjects mingled with Schachter's assistants, whom the subjects had been led to believe were given a shot too.

In one group, the assistants acted as if they were experiencing anxiety. In the other group, the assistants acted excited and happy. Asked what the shot had done to them, subjects in the first group said the adrenaline shot made them feel anxious; subjects in the second group said the adrenaline made them feel excited and elated.

The way the assistants acted influenced the way the subjects interpreted their experience. And it was their interpretations that made their experience pleasant or unpleasant. The adrenaline shot was the same in both groups, and caused the same effects: it made their hearts pound, dilated their eyes, sent glucose to the muscles, and shut down the digestive tract.

Both groups experienced the same physical changes, but the way the assistants acted created a different meaning for the physical changes, and those meanings made the difference between anxiety and elation.

Change the meaning of an experience and the experience changes.

The late Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and a survivor of Hitler's concentration camps, often changed the meaning of events for his patients, and it changed their lives. For example, an elderly and severely depressed man came to see Frankl. His wife had died and she had meant more to him than anything in the world.

"What would have happened," Frankl asked the man, "if you had died first, and your wife would have survived you?"

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The man answered: "Oh, for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!"

"You see," said Frankl, "such a suffering has been spared her, and it is you who have spared her this suffering; but now, you have to pay for it by surviving and mourning her."

The man didn't say anything. He shook Dr. Frankl's hand and calmly left. Frankl wrote:

Suffering ceases to be suffering in some way at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.

THE MEANINGS you make in your life can be the difference between anxiety and elation, between hopelessness and courage, between failure and success, and even, as Frankl discovered in the concentration camps, between living and dying.

You have some control over the way you interpret the events of your life. The meanings of events are not written in stone. You can create more useful meanings for yourself. All it takes is a little thought.

Interpret events in a way that helps you.

The world NEEDS more positive attitudes. If you'd like to share this page with a friend, it's easy. Use the share/email icon on top of the page or just copy the address and paste it into an email message.

Here's a conversation on how to change the way you interpret the events in your life so that you neither become a doormat nor get upset more than you need to:
Interpretations

The art of contolling the meanings you're making is an important skill to master. It will literally determine the quality of your life. Read more about it in:
Master the Art of Making Meaning

next: Expect the Best

by David M. Goldstein, M.D., Director, Mood Disorders Program, Georgetown University Medical Center

Effective medical treatments now exist for the full range of mood disorders, from mild depression to severe manic depression. Treatment decisions are based on the severity of the symptoms as well as the type of symptomatology. There are a wide variety of treatments that are now available, but research studies consistently demonstrate that combined psychotherapy and medication treatments produce the best results. The psychotherapy treatments work by helping with the psychosocial and interpersonal adjustment of the individual, whereas the drugs help with the physical and physiologically based symptoms. Psychotherapy seems to help by improving the patient's willingness to continue with the medication treatment, also.

This review will focus on psychopharmacological treatments for depression and manic depression. Although the mode of action of the various psychotropic medications is not precisely known, it is thought that these drugs work by correcting imbalances in the brain's chemical messenger or neurotransmitter system. The brain is a highly complex organ, and it may be that the medications work to restore normal regulatory processes in the brain. These drugs are quite effective if taken for sufficient lengths of time and at proper dosages. It is common for there to be a several week delay in the onset of effectiveness of the medication, so patience and cooperation with the prescribing physician are crucial elements in treatment. A primary cause of patients' noncompliance with medication treatment is the emergence of side effects. The side effects associated with the use of these medications generally are dependent upon dosage and duration of treatment. A close cooperative and trusting relationship with the physician is important in helping the individual to navigate through the side effects, should they occur.

These medications have been carefully studied and have to pass rigorous standards by the Food and Drug Administration in order to be released into the marketplace. All available antidepressant prescription medications have been found to be safe and effective and they are not known to be addictive.

Medication choice is guided by diagnosis, so prior to the initiation of treatment, care must be taken to accurately diagnose the medical condition that best explains the presenting symptoms. Treatments for depression and manic depression often differ and this is an important distinction. Manic depressive patients treated with antidepressants alone may be at an increased risk for the development of a manic episode.

Medication Treatments for Depression

There are over thirty antidepressant medications now available in the United States to treat depression. There are three principal neurotransmitters that are involved in the development of depression, and they are serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. The available anti-depressant medications differ in which of these neurotransmitters are affected. The medications also differ in which side-effects they are likely to induce. Other differences among the medications involve how they interact with other medications that an individual might be taking. The available medications for depression can be categorized in the following way:

1. Heterocyclic antidepressants
2. monoamine oxidase inhibitors
3. selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI's).

Heterocylic antidepressants: The Heterocyclic antidepressants were the mainstay of antidepressant treatment from their inception in the United States in the late 1950's until the mid 1980's. These drugs include the tricyclic antidepressants, such as Elavil, Tofranil, Pamelor, Norpramin, and Vivactil. These medications have been quite effective in improving the symptoms of depression, but their usefulness is limited by the associated side-effects. These side-effects include dry mouth, constipation, weight gain, urinary hesitancy, rapid heartbeat, and dizziness upon arising. These side-effects, although they are rarely dangerous, may be of significant magnitude to warrant stopping that medication and switching to another. A more recent member of the Heterocyclic family is a new medication named Remeron. This is a recently released antidepressant that is chemically similar to the older compounds, although it has a more favorable side-effect profile.

The monoamine oxidase inhibitor antidepressants (MAO inhibitors): The monoamine oxidase inhibitor antidepressants, or MAOI's, are a group of antidepressants that were developed in the 1950's also. Initially they were used as treatments for tuberculosis, but were discovered to have antidepressant properties among that population. These medications can be highly effective for some individuals who have what is referred to as "atypical depression". These are patients who have a dominance of fatigue, excessive need for sleep, weight gain, and rejection sensitivity. Some investigators feel that this group of patients respond preferentially to MAOI drugs. This category of medications includes drugs such as Nardil and Parnate. There is another medication called Mannerix that is a useful drug in this category but is not commercially available in the United States. Monoamine oxidase inhibitor drugs are limited by the possibility of the infrequent but at times life threatening side effect of hypertensive crisis. This is a phenomenon where, while taking the medication, the individual eats certain foodstuffs or takes certain medications that contain an amino acid known as tyramine. This results in a sudden and severe rise in blood pressure associated with a severe headache. In some instances the use of this medication can be extremely helpful, but the dietary restrictions have to be followed faithfully.

The selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) The final category of antidepressant medication is known as the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRI drugs. The first of these agents was Prozac, which came on the market in 1987, and was followed in short order by Zoloft, Paxil, Luvox, and more recently by Effexor and Serzone. Another medication related to this group is Wellbutrin. This group of medications has been shown to be equally effective in treating depression as compared to the older Heterocyclic and MAOI medications. The advantage of these drugs is that they have fewer and more benign side effects. Generally speaking, they have fewer cardiovascular side effects and present fewer problem to the patients or the physician. They are not without side effects, however, and some patients report symptoms such as nausea, sexual inhibition, insomnia, weight gain, and daytime sedation.

Results of treatment: Approximately 60-70% of patients who present with symptoms of depression will be successfully treated by the first antidepressant that they take. The remaining 30% of individuals may be helped by trying a second, third, or even fourth medication. In certain instances, the physician may enhance the effectiveness of a particular drug by adding on other agents, such as lithium, thyroid supplementation, or a second antidepressant concurrent with the initial medication. There are difficulties that may develop with loss of efficacy of antidepressants, also. In approximately 20% of cases, individual antidepressants seem to lose their efficacy. When this happens, the physician may change medication or try one of the enhancement strategies suggested above.

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Medication Treatment for Manic Depressive Illness

Lithium: The first treatment developed for manic depressive illness was lithium carbonate. Lithium is a naturally occurring mineral that was known in the 19th century to have positive effects on mood. In the late 1940's it was evaluated by a psychiatrist in Australia and found to have beneficial effects in manic depressive illness. This research was followed up in the 1950's by Dr. Morgens Schou in Scandinavia. Since that time, lithium has been the mainstay of treatment for manic depressive illness, being effective for both the manic as well as the depressed phases of that illness. Lithium may be taken alone or in conjunction with other medications, depending on the circumstances. Side effects of lithium treatment include weight gain, memory impairment, tremor, acne, and occasionally thyroid disfunction. During treatment with lithium, which is usually over an extended period of time, that patient should be monitored for thyroid function as well as kidney function.

Valproic acid (Depakote): In addition to lithium, there are a number of other agents available for treatment of manic depressive illness. Valproic acid is available in the United States and was approved for treatment of manic depression this past year. Valproic acid is commonly prescribed as Depakote, and is an effective agent for mood stabilization. Current research studies are underway to compare the efficacy of Depakote as compared to lithium. Side effects associated with Depakote include nausea, weight gain, hair loss, and increased bruising.

Carbamazepine (Tegretol): A third commonly used mood stabilizer is Tegretol. This is a medication that was initially developed for facial pain and subsequently found to be useful for certain types of epilepsy. In the past twenty years it has been developed as a mood stabilizer, and it has been found to have anti-manic, antidepressant, and prophylactic efficacy. Tegretol is associated with a relatively low incidence of weight gain, memory loss, and nausea. Skin rash is sometimes found with Tegretol, and there is the possibility of bone marrow suppression, which requires monitoring by blood tests.

New medications: There have been several new medications that are under development for the treatment of manic depressive illness and show some promise. Neurontin, or Gabapentin is an anticonvulsant compound which is being developed as a mood stabilizer. It shows promise and has the benefit of very few interactions with other medications. Another medication under development is Lamictal. This medication is an anticonvulsant, approved in the United States as an anticonvulsant several years ago. It has been found to have antidepressant properties, and may turn out to have mood stabilizing effects as well, although this is currently under investigation. Lamictal carries the risk of rash with it, which at times may be severe.

Antipsyschotic Medications

The final class of medications is the antipsychotic category. This group of medications has usefulness in more severe states of depression and manic depression. This group of medications is very effective in controlling severe agitation, disorganization, as well as psychotic symptoms which sometimes accompany the more severe instances of mood disorders.

Typical antipsychotic medications: The Typical antipsychotic medications include drugs such as Haldol, Trilafon, Stelazine, and Mellaril. They are quite effective in controlling agitation as well as hallucinations and unrealistic thoughts. They are less effective in controlling or treating the apathy, withdrawal, and indifference that sometimes occurs in these conditions. ( Individuals with mood disorders may have an increased potential for developing neurological side effects associated with the use of these medications, specifically a condition referred to as Tardive Dyskinesia. This is a persistent twitching of the fingers or lips. )

Atypical antipsychotic medications: In recent years, a new class of antipsychotics has become available referred to as the "Atypical antipsychotic medications". This includes Clozaril, Zyprexa, and Risperdal. This group of medications represents an advance over the older medications in that they continue to be effective against psychotic symptoms such as agitation and hallucinations, but they are also helpful in treating apathy and indifference which may also occur. These medications seem to have a significantly reduced likelihood of development of neurological side effects as well.

Continuation or Discontinuation of Medications

Depression and manic depression tend to be recurrent problems, and often maintenance medication is recommended. This recommendation should be discussed carefully between the patient and his or her physician.

A final issue in the use of the psychotropic medications is the issue of discontinuation. The timing of discontinuation of psychotropic medications is an important and highly individual decision, which should always be made in conjunction with one's physician. As a general rule, stopping medications in a gradual way is preferable to abrupt discontinuation. Abrupt discontinuation may result in return of original symptoms, or may result in what is referred to as "discontinuation syndrome". Discontinuation syndrome has a variable presentation. Patients often will feel as if they have a severe case of the flu. Abrupt discontinuation of lithium in the context of manic depressive illness carries the risk of a sudden return of manic or depressive symptomatology. In addition, there is a small group of manic depressive patients who, once they discontinue lithium, become refractory to its effectiveness at a later time.

These medications can be highly effective and may significantly alter the course of an individual's life. One must always keep in mind that the choice to take the medication is based on an assessment of the risks and benefits associated with taking medication as well as not taking the medication. Those choices should always be undertaken in the context of an ongoing relationship with the prescribing physician.

For more information contact the
Depression and Related Affective Disorders Association (DRADA)
Meyer 3-181, 600 North Wolfe Street
Baltimore, MD 21287-7381
Phone: (410) 955.4647 - Baltimore, MD or (202) 955.5800 - Washington, D.C.

Source: National Institute of Mental Health

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A philosophical look at the loss of soul and our endeavor to find our soul and care for it.

An Excerpt from BirthQuake: A Journey to Wholeness

"In the last decade of the twentieth century, perhaps in response to the magnitude of our global crisis, spirituality has been coming down to Earth..." (Ronald Miller)

Thomas Moore, best-selling author, philosopher, and psychotherapist, laments that the great malady of the twentieth century has been the loss of soul. Yet his book, "Care Of The Soul: A Guide To Cultivating Depth And Sacredness In Everyday Life," quickly rose to the bestseller list, indicating that while he might be right about the loss of soul, many twentieth century inhabitants eagerly endeavor to find it.

Moore maintains that when the soul is neglected, rather than simply fading away, it demonstrates its woundedness symptomatically in addictions, obsessions, loss of meaning and violence. Most therapists attempt to isolate or eradicate these symptoms, failing to understand that their roots often lie in our lost wisdom about the soul.

Moore's understanding of psychotherapy, evolving over more than 15 years of practice and study, has come to involve bringing imagination (which he perceives to be the instrument of the soul) to areas that are devoid of it. It's Moore's belief that it is the expression of this void that is manifested by our symptoms.

Further, he notes that in our modern world we've separated religion and psychology, spiritual practice and therapy. In his view, spirituality and psychology need to be seen as one. This shift would occur in a number of ways, one of which would be a commitment to the process of ongoing care of the soul rather than engaging in efforts to cure it.

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According to Moore, caring for the soul begins with an observance of how the soul manifests itself and operates, and then responding to what the soul presents. This involves not moving to root out that which the soul expresses and is seen as symptomatic, but to, instead, explore its purpose and value. Moore invites us to regard the soul with an open mind in order to discover the wisdom that can be found in pain as well as the call for changes that are given voice by such symptoms as depression and anxiety. I've have learned both as a psychotherapist and in my own personal life that pain (while I never welcome it) is often a prepatory path that can lead to possibility as my own suffering served time and time again as a catalyst for growth.

One effective technique Moore shares in caring for the soul is to look with particular attention and receptivity at what the individual is rejecting, and then to speak favorably about that rejected element. For instance, a therapist might point out to a client that in her frantic activity day-in and day-out, the only thing that seems to allow her to pause and rest are her headaches. James Hillman points out that at a redemption center, you get something in return for bringing in an item that is often perceived as worthless. I often suggest to participants of my workshops that they imagine that they have taken a particular problem or difficult circumstance to the redemption center. I then ask them to consider what they might have received in exchange. Very often, participants are struck by the unrecognized gifts that they've acquired during even some of their most painful times. I recall in particular, a very successful and self-possessed man who shared that after he was injured in an accident and could no longer make his living doing what he had trained long and hard for, he was forced to change occupations. At first he felt lost and absolutely devastated. Eventually he went back to school to become a spiritual counselor and maintains that his life has been immeasurably more satisfying since then. Another participant recalled that it was only after suffering from a painful period of depression that she was able to reach out to others and build intimate relationships that she'd never found time for before. Hilman asserts that by examining these unexpected gifts, "The noisome symptoms of every day can be revalued and their usefulness reclaimed."

Moore also cautions against splitting experiences into good and bad, maintaining that much soul can be lost in such splitting, and that the soul can be aided in its recovery by reclaiming much of what has been split off. In elaborating on this, Moore turns to a version of the work of Jung's theory of shadows. Jung believed that there were two kinds of shadows: one consisting of the possibilities in life that are rejected because of certain choices that we've made (for example, the person we chose not to be), which is the compensatory shadow; and the other, darker, absolute shadow. The absolute shadow represents the evil existing in the world and within the human heart. Jung believed, and Moore concurs, that the soul can benefit from coming to terms with both kinds of shadow and learning to appreciate even the quirks and perversities of the soul. He adds that sometimes deviation from the usual offers its own special revelation of truth. Dawn Morkova wrote in, "No Enemies Within" that, "our wholeness is based on reclaiming those aspects of ourselves that, due to our personal circumstances, we've had to leave along the way."

Moore distinguishes between cure and care by pointing out that cure implies the end of trouble, while care offers a sense of ongoing attention. He believes that the approach of psychotherapists would change dramatically if they thought about their work as offering ongoing care rather than a quest for cure. Moore reminds us that problems and obstacles can offer us opportunities for reflection and discovery that might otherwise be overlooked.

Moore is far from a solitary voice in the wilderness (so to speak) in regards to the value he places on honoring all dimensions of the self, including our painful regions. David K. Reynolds, in his book, A Thousand Waves: A Sensible Life Style for Sensitive People," proposes that traditional Western psychotherapy fails to adequately acknowledge the importance of our need for unity among all aspects of ourselves. Reynolds advocates an Eastern approach, which aims at helping us to honor our natural selves more fully, and more specifically - to help us to become more natural again. He points to the nature of water and suggests we become more like this precious liquid observing that when the weather is warm, water becomes warm, and when it's cold outside, water too turns cold. Water doesn't wish that it was a different temperature, nor does it pretend to be other than it is. It merely accepts its present state and continues to flow. Unlike water, laments Reynolds, people deny reality. They also struggle with their feelings and hamper themselves by focusing on the way things should be or might have been. Water doesn't fight obstacles, says Reynolds, it simply flows around them, not getting distracted as people so often do by their feelings. Water is flexible and adapts to the particular circumstances it's in. Water flows at a natural pace. People on the other hand, appear to be dashing around attempting to manipulate their lives or feelings into fitting into their particular notion of how things ought to be or how they wish them to be. Reynolds reminds us that feelings are neither good nor bad, they simply are. The best way to deal with painful feelings according to Reynolds, is to simply recognize them, accept them, and then carry on. Because feelings keep changing, he recommends that an appropriate goal for both therapy and every day life is to: " ...notice and accept these changes in feelings while keeping steadily on about doing the things that will get us where we want to go. Like water does."

Nietzsche, the German philosopher, made a decision at some point in his life to love his fate. From that point on he responded to whatever happened to him by saying to himself, "this is what I need." While I fully believe in the tremendous value of Nietzsche's courageous approach, I'm a long way from being able to adopt it. I question too much, and still carry too much fear. What I have been able to embrace is James Hillman's recommendation that what ever your experience, "You ask yourself: How does this event bare on soul making."

next:At Close Range

A Primer on Depression and Bipolar Disorder

II. MOOD DISORDERS AS PHYSICAL ILLNESSES

G. Stigma of Having A Mental Illness

At the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) National Meeting in Boulder in the summer of 1988, a woman psychiatrist (whose name I don't remember) from UCLA reported about her survey of several thousand people in southern California on the level of stigma they attached to a list of serious illnesses. She asked, in effect, "Of the following illnesses, which do you consider to be the worst to have?''.

The long list included such things as mental retardation, cancer, epilepsy, venereal disease, multiple sclerosis, heart disease, etc., etc. And mental illness. The result was interesting: mental illness was chosen worst by a large margin. [At the time I couldn't help joking "It's nice to be number one at something, but this is ridiculous!" even though the joke was partly on me.]

It is perhaps easy to understand why people should feel this way. For one thing, most people know that mental illness is very serious -- perhaps totally incapacitating -- but don't have any idea of what causes it, or what it is like. They fear it: they fear the "loss of their mind", and they fear "being locked up in a mental hospital" presumably with lots of other "crazy" people. In addition, most people conceive someone who is mentally ill to be disruptive, irrational, violent, and dangerous. In reality, only a very tiny percentage of victims of mental illness (for example people with extreme mania) ever act that way; I suspect that this common, but badly erroneous, picture of the mentally ill comes directly from television and movies where it is the norm.

From all I have written above, it should be obvious that such deep prejudice and stigmatization is totally unwarranted, particularly for the mood disorders. In fact, there are many famous people in history and present-day life, who suffered (or suffer) depression or bipolar disorder. People like Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Theodore Roosevelt, Vincent van Gogh, Charles Dickens, Ernest Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, Leo Tolstoy, Virginia Woolf, Patty Duke, Ludwig Beethoven, Wolfgang Mozart, Gioacchino Rossini, George Frederick Handel, .... the list goes on and on. People with tremendous talent, intelligence, creativity, sensitivity, and leadership abilities.

Indeed studies strongly suggest that many of the 19th and 20th century poets and writers in English were/are depressive or manic-depressive. I am not saying these people had special abilities because they were ill, but that they managed to release their creativity despite their illness. I list them, both to provide hope for victims, and to provide clear evidence that mentally ill people do not always fit the fearsome picture described in the preceding paragraph.

Indeed, on the issue of creativity by normal minds, for Mozart, one has Haydn; for van Gogh, one has Monet; for Beethoven, one has Brahms; for Handel, one has Bach; and so on. So the old myth that "genius goes with insanity" is just that: a myth!

Teddy Roosevelt is an interesting case; from the historical record he appears to have been hypomanic for most or all of his life. But he can be counterbalanced by Franklin Roosevelt. [And there is a humorous, and apparently true anecdote about him: One day, he was late for his Cabinet meeting -- he was always early and waiting impatiently to get the meeting going. He entered, sat in his chair at the head of the table, removed his glasses, and sighed. Then he looked around the table and said tiredly "Gentlemen, I can run this country, or I can run Alice (his daughter); but I can't run both". Alice was more than the metaphorical handful for her father. But Teddy found the solution: he promoted a marriage between Alice and his Secretary of State, Henry Longworth. And in later life, Alice Roosevelt Longworth was the queen of Washington society. To not visit her in response to her invitation was permanent social suicide in Washington.]

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"The Talented Mr. Ripley" is an Hitchcockian and blood-curdling study of the psychopath and his victims. At the centre of this masterpiece, set in the exquisitely decadent scapes of Italy, is a titanic encounter between Ripley, the aforementioned psychopath protagonist and young Greenleaf, a consummate narcissist.

Ripley is a cartoonishly poor young adult whose overriding desire is to belong to a higher - or at least, richer - social class. While he waits upon the subjects of his not so hidden desires, he receives an offer he cannot refuse: to travel to Italy to retrieve the spoiled and hedonistic son of a shipbuilding magnate, Greenleaf Senior. He embarks upon a study of Junior's biography, personality, likes and hobbies. In a chillingly detailed process, he actually assumes Greenleaf's identity. Disembarking from a luxurious Cunard liner in his destination, Italy, he "confesses" to a gullible textile-heiress that he is the young Greenleaf, traveling incognito.

Thus, we are subtly introduced to the two over-riding themes of the antisocial personality disorder (still labeled by many professional authorities "psychopathy" and "sociopathy"): an overwhelming dysphoria and an even more overweening drive to assuage this angst by belonging. The psychopath is an unhappy person. He is besieged by recurrent depression bouts, hypochondria and an overpowering sense of alienation and drift. He is bored with his own life and is permeated by a seething and explosive envy of the lucky, the mighty, the clever, the have it alls, the know it alls, the handsome, the happy - in short: his opposites. He feels discriminated against and dealt a poor hand in the great poker game called life. He is driven obsessively to right these perceived wrongs and feels entirely justified in adopting whatever means he deems necessary in pursuing this goal.

Ripley's reality test is maintained throughout the film. In other words - while he gradually merges with the object of his admiring emulation, the young Greenleaf - Ripley can always tell the difference. After he kills Greenleaf in self-defense, he assumes his name, wears his clothes, cashes his checks and makes phone calls from his rooms. But he also murders - or tries to murder - those who suspect the truth. These acts of lethal self-preservation prove conclusively that he knows who he is and that he fully realizes that his acts are parlously illegal.

Young Greenleaf is young, captivatingly energetic, infinitely charming, breathtakingly handsome and deceivingly emotional. He lacks real talents - he know how to play only six jazz tunes, can't make up his musical mind between his faithful sax and a newly alluring drum kit and, an aspiring writer, can't even spell. These shortcomings and discrepancies are tucked under a glittering facade of non-chalance, refreshing spontaneity, an experimental spirit, unrepressed sexuality and unrestrained adventurism. But Greenleaf Jr. is a garden variety narcissist. He cheats on his lovely and loving girlfriend, Marge. He refuses to lend money - of which he seems to have an unlimited supply, courtesy his ever more disenchanted father - to a girl he impregnated. She commits suicide and he blames the primitiveness of the emergency services, sulks and kicks his precious record player. In the midst of this infantile temper tantrum the rudiments of a conscience are visible. He evidently feels guilty. At least for a while.

Greenleaf Jr. falls in and out of love and friendship in a predictable pendulous rhythm. He idealizes his beaus and then devalues them. He finds them to be the quiddity of fascination one moment - and the distilled essence of boredom the next. And he is not shy about expressing his distaste and disenchantment. He is savagely cruel as he calls Ripley a leach who has taken over his life and his possessions (having previously invited him to do so in no uncertain terms). He says that he is relieved to see him go and he cancels off-handedly elaborate plans they made together. Greenleaf Jr. maintains a poor record of keeping promises and a rich record of violence, as we discover towards the end of this suspenseful, taut yarn.

Ripley himself lacks an identity. He is a binary automaton driven by a set of two instructions - become someone and overcome resistance. He feels like a nobody and his overriding ambition is to be somebody, even if he has to fake it, or steal it. His only talents, he openly admits, are to fake both personalities and papers. He is a predator and he hunts for congruence, cohesion and meaning. He is in constant search of a family. Greenleaf Jr., he declares festively, is the older brother he never had. Together with the long suffering fiancé in waiting, Marge, they are a family. Hasn't Greenleaf Sr. actually adopted him?

This identity disturbance, which is at the psychodynamic root of both pathological narcissism and rapacious psychopathy, is all-pervasive. Both Ripley and Greenleaf Jr. are not sure who they are. Ripley wants to be Greenleaf Jr. - not because of the latter's admirable personality, but because of his money. Greenleaf Jr. cultivates a False Self of a jazz giant in the making and the author of the Great American Novel but he is neither and he bitterly knows it. Even their sexual identity is not fully formed. Ripley is at once homoerotic, autoerotic and heteroerotic. He has a succession of homosexual lovers (though apparently only platonic ones). Yet, he is attracted to women. He falls desperately in love with Greenleaf's False Self and it is the revelation of the latter's dilapidated True Self that leads to the atavistically bloody scene in the boat.

But Ripley is a different -and more ominous - beast altogether. He rambles on about the metaphorical dark chamber of his secrets, the key to which he wishes to share with a "loved" one. But this act of sharing (which never materializes) is intended merely to alleviate the constant pressure of the hot pursuit he is subjected to by the police and others. He disposes with equal equanimity of both loved ones and the occasional prying acquaintance. At least twice he utters words of love as he actually strangles his newfound inamorato and tries to slash an old and rekindled flame. He hesitates not a split second when confronted with an offer to betray Greenleaf Sr., his nominal employer and benefactor, and abscond with his money. He falsifies signatures with ease, makes eye contact convincingly, flashes the most heart rending smile when embarrassed or endangered. He is a caricature of the American dream: ambitious, driven, winsome, well versed in the mantras of the bourgeoisie. But beneath this thin veneer of hard learned, self-conscious and uneasy civility - lurks a beast of prey best characterized by the DSM IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual):

"Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behavior, deceitfulness as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others to personal profit or pleasure, impulsivity or failure to plan ahead... reckless disregard for safety of self or others... (and above all) lack of remorse." (From the criteria of the Antisocial Personality Disorder).

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But perhaps the most intriguing portraits are those of the victims. Marge insists, in the face of the most callous and abusive behavior, that there is something "tender" in Greenleaf Jr. When she confronts the beguiling monster, Ripley, she encounters the fate of all victims of psychopaths: disbelief, pity and ridicule. The truth is too horrible to contemplate, let alone comprehend. Psychopaths are inhuman in the most profound sense of this compounded word. Their emotions and conscience have been amputated and replaced by phantom imitations. But it is rare to pierce their meticulously crafted facade. They more often than not go on to great success and social acceptance while their detractors are relegated to the fringes of society. Both Meredith and Peter, who had the misfortune of falling in deep, unrequited love with Ripley, are punished. One by losing his life, the other by losing Ripley time and again, mysteriously, capriciously, cruelly.

Thus, ultimately, the film is an intricate study of the pernicious ways of psychopathology. Mental disorder is a venom not confined to its source. It spreads and affects its environment in a myriad surreptitiously subtle forms. It is a hydra, growing one hundred heads where one was severed. Its victims writhe and as abuse is piled upon trauma - they turn to stone, the mute witnesses of horror, the stalactites and stalagmites of pain untold and unrecountable. For their tormentors are often as talented as Mr. Ripley is and they are as helpless and as clueless as his victims are.

 

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next:  The Meaninglessness of External Causes

Is being special or unique a property of an object (let us say, a human being), independent of the existence or the actions of observers - or is this a product of a common judgement of a group of people?

In the first case - every human being is "special", "one of a kind, sui generis, unique". This property of being unique is context-independent, a Ding am Sich. It is the derivative of a unique assembly with a one-of-its-kind list of specifications, personal history, character, social network, etc. Indeed, no two individuals are identical. The question in the narcissist's mind is where does this difference turn into uniqueness? In other words, there are numerous characteristics and traits common to two specimen of the same species. On the other hand, there are characteristics and traits, which set them apart. There must exist a quantitative point where it would be safe to say that the difference outweighs the similarity, the "Point of Uniqueness", wherein individuals are rendered unique.

But, as opposed to members of other species, differences between humans (personal history, personality, memories, biography) so outweigh similarities - that we can safely postulate, prima facie, that all human beings are unique.

To non-narcissists, this should be a very comforting thought. Uniqueness is not dependent on the existence of an outside observer. It is the by-product of existence, an extensive trait, and not the result of an act of comparison performed by others.

But what happens if only one individual is left in the world? Can he then still be said to be unique?

Ostensibly, yes. The problem is then reduced to the absence of someone able to observe, discern and communicate this uniqueness to others. But does this detract from the fact of his uniqueness in any way?

Is a fact not communicated no longer a fact? In the human realm, this seems to be the case. If uniqueness is dependent on it being proclaimed - then the more it is proclaimed, the greater the certainty that it exists. In this restricted sense, uniqueness is indeed the result of the common judgement of a group of people. The larger the group - the larger the certainty that it exists.

To wish to be unique is a universal human property. The very existence of uniqueness is not dependent on the judgement of a group of humans.

Uniqueness is communicated through sentences (theorems) exchanged between humans. The certainty that uniqueness exists IS dependent upon the judgement of a group of humans. The greater the number of persons communicating the existence of a uniqueness - the greater the certainty that it exists.

But why does the narcissist feel that it is important to ascertain the existence of his uniqueness? To answer that, we must distinguish exogenous from endogenous certainty.

Most people find it sufficient to have a low level of exogenous certainty regarding their own uniqueness. This is achieved with the help of their spouse, colleagues, friends, acquaintances and even random (but meaningful) encounters. This low level of exogenous certainty is, usually, accompanied by a high level of endogenous certainty. Most people love themselves and, thus, feel that they are distinct and unique.

So, the main determinant in feeling unique is the level of endogenous certainty regarding one's uniqueness possessed by an individual.

Communicating this uniqueness becomes a limited, secondary aspect, provided for by specific role-players in the life of the individual.

Narcissists, by comparison, maintain a low level of endogenous certainty. They hate or even detest themselves, regard themselves as failures. They feel that they are worthy of nothing and lack uniqueness.

This low level of endogenous certainty has to be compensated for by a high level of exogenous certainty.

This is achieved by communicating uniqueness to people able and willing to observe, verify and communicate it to others. As we said before, this is done by pursuing publicity, or through political activities and artistic creativity, to mention a few venues. To maintain the continuity of the sensation of uniqueness - a continuity of these activities has to be preserved.

Sometimes, the narcissist secures this certainty from "self-communicating" objects.

An example: an object which is also a status symbol is really a concentrated "packet of information" concerning the uniqueness of its owner. Compulsive accumulation of assets and compulsive shopping can be added to the above list of venues. Art collections, luxury cars and stately mansions communicate uniqueness and at the same time constitute part of it.

There seems to be some kind of "Uniqueness Ratio" between Exogenous Uniqueness and Endogenous Uniqueness. Another pertinent distinction is between the Basic Component of Uniqueness (BCU) and the Complex Component of Uniqueness (CCU).

The BCU comprises the sum of all the characteristics, qualities and personal history, which define a specific individual and distinguish him from the rest of Mankind. This, ipso facto, is the very kernel of his uniqueness.

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The CCU is a product of rarity and obtain ability. The more common and the more obtainable a man's history, characteristics, and possessions are - the more limited his CCU. Rarity is the statistical distribution of properties and determinants in the general population and obtain ability - the energy required to secure them.

As opposed to the CCU - the BCU is axiomatic and requires no proof. We are all unique.

The CCU requires measurements and comparisons and is dependent, therefore, on human activities and on human agreements and judgements. The greater the number of people in agreement - the greater the certainty that a CCU exists and to what extent it does.

In other words, both the very existence of a CCU and its magnitude depend on the judgement of humans and are better substantiated (=more certain) the more numerous the people who exert judgement.

Human societies have delegated the measurement of the CCU to certain agents.

Universities measure a uniqueness component called education. It certifies the existence and the extent of this component in their students. Banks and credit agencies measure elements of uniqueness called affluence and creditworthiness. Publishing houses measure another one, called "creativity" and "marketability".

Thus, the absolute size of the group of people involved in judging the existence and the measure of the CCU, is less important. It is sufficient to have a few social agents which REPRESENT a large number of people (=society).

There is, therefore, no necessary connection between the mass communicability of the uniqueness component - and its complexity, extent, or even its existence.

A person might have a high CCU - but be known only to a very limited circle of social agents. He will not be famous or renowned, but he will still be very unique.

Such uniqueness is potentially communicable - but its validity is not be effected by the fact that it is communicated only through a small circle of social agents.

The lust for publicity has, therefore, nothing to do with the wish to establish the existence or the measure of self-uniqueness.

Both the basic and the complex uniqueness components are not dependent upon their replication or communication. The more complex form of uniqueness is dependent only upon the judgement and recognition of social agents, which represent large numbers of people. Thus, the lust for mass publicity and for celebrity is connected to how successfully the feeling of uniqueness is internalized by the individual and not to "objective" parameters related to the substantiation of his uniqueness or to its scope.

We can postulate the existence of a Uniqueness Constant that is composed of the sum of the endogenous and the exogenous components of uniqueness (and is highly subjective). Concurrently a Uniqueness Variable can be introduced which is the sum total of the BCU and the CCU (and is more objectively determinable).

The Uniqueness Ratio oscillates in accordance with the changing emphases within the Uniqueness Constant. At times, the exogenous source of uniqueness prevails and the Uniqueness Ratio is at its peak, with the CCU maximized. At other times, the endogenous source of uniqueness gains the upper hand and the Uniqueness Ratio is in a trough, with the BCU maximized. Healthy people maintain a constant amount of "feeling unique" with shifting emphases between BCU and CCU. The Uniqueness Constant of healthy people is always identical to their Uniqueness Variable. With narcissists, the story is different. It would seem that the size of their Uniqueness Variable is a derivative of the amount of exogenous input. The BCU is constant and rigid.

Only the CCU varies the value of the Uniqueness Variable and it, in turn, is virtually determined by the exogenous uniqueness element.

A minor consolation for the narcissist is that the social agents, who determine the value of one's CCU do not have to be contemporaneous or co-spatial with him.

Narcissists like to quote examples of geniuses whose time has come only posthumously: Kafka, Nietzsche, Van Gogh. They had a high CCU, which was not recognized by their contemporary social agents (media, art critics, or colleagues).

But they were recognized in later generations, in other cultures, and in other places by the dominant social agents.

So, although true that the wider an individual's influence the greater his uniqueness, influence should be measured "inhumanly", over enormous stretches of space and time. After all, influence can be exerted on biological or spiritual descendants, it can be overt, genetic, or covert.

There are individual influences on such a wide scale that they can be judged only historically.

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next: The Talented Mr. Ripley

("He" in this text - to mean "He" or "She").

We react to serious mishaps, life altering setbacks, disasters, abuse, and death by going through the phases of grieving. Traumas are the complex outcomes of psychodynamic and biochemical processes. But the particulars of traumas depend heavily on the interaction between the victim and his social milieu.

It would seem that while the victim progresses from denial to helplessness, rage, depression and thence to acceptance of the traumatizing events - society demonstrates a diametrically opposed progression. This incompatibility, this mismatch of psychological phases is what leads to the formation and crystallization of trauma.

PHASE I

Victim phase I - DENIAL

The magnitude of such unfortunate events is often so overwhelming, their nature so alien, and their message so menacing - that denial sets in as a defence mechanism aimed at self preservation. The victim denies that the event occurred, that he or she is being abused, that a loved one passed away.

Society phase I - ACCEPTANCE, MOVING ON

The victim's nearest ("Society") - his colleagues, his employees, his clients, even his spouse, children, and friends - rarely experience the events with the same shattering intensity. They are likely to accept the bad news and move on. Even at their most considerate and empathic, they are likely to lose patience with the victim's state of mind. They tend to ignore the victim, or chastise him, to mock, or to deride his feelings or behaviour, to collude to repress the painful memories, or to trivialize them.

Summary Phase I

The mismatch between the victim's reactive patterns and emotional needs and society's matter-of-fact attitude hinders growth and healing. The victim requires society's help in avoiding a head-on confrontation with a reality he cannot digest. Instead, society serves as a constant and mentally destabilizing reminder of the root of the victim's unbearable agony (the Job syndrome).

PHASE II

Victim phase II - HELPLESSNESS

Denial gradually gives way to a sense of all-pervasive and humiliating helplessness, often accompanied by debilitating fatigue and mental disintegration. These are among the classic symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). These are the bitter results of the internalization and integration of the harsh realization that there is nothing one can do to alter the outcomes of a natural, or man-made, catastrophe. The horror in confronting one's finiteness, meaninglessness, negligibility, and powerlessness - is overpowering.

Society phase II - DEPRESSION

The more the members of society come to grips with the magnitude of the loss, or evil, or threat represented by the grief inducing events - the sadder they become. Depression is often little more than suppressed or self-directed anger. The anger, in this case, is belatedly induced by an identified or diffuse source of threat, or of evil, or loss. It is a higher level variant of the "fight or flight" reaction, tampered by the rational understanding that the "source" is often too abstract to tackle directly.

Summary Phase II

Thus, when the victim is most in need, terrified by his helplessness and adrift - society is immersed in depression and unable to provide a holding and supporting environment. Growth and healing is again retarded by social interaction. The victim's innate sense of annulment is enhanced by the self-addressed anger (=depression) of those around him.

PHASE III

Both the victim and society react with RAGE to their predicaments. In an effort to narcissistically reassert himself, the victim develops a grandiose sense of anger directed at paranoidally selected, unreal, diffuse, and abstract targets (=frustration sources). By expressing aggression, the victim re-acquires mastery of the world and of himself.

Members of society use rage to re-direct the root cause of their depression (which is, as we said, self directed anger) and to channel it safely. To ensure that this expressed aggression alleviates their depression - real targets must are selected and real punishments meted out. In this respect, "social rage" differs from the victim's. The former is intended to sublimate aggression and channel it in a socially acceptable manner - the latter to reassert narcissistic self-love as an antidote to an all-devouring sense of helplessness.

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In other words, society, by itself being in a state of rage, positively enforces the narcissistic rage reactions of the grieving victim. This, in the long run, is counter-productive, inhibits personal growth, and prevents healing. It also erodes the reality test of the victim and encourages self-delusions, paranoidal ideation, and ideas of reference.

PHASE IV

Victim Phase IV - DEPRESSION

As the consequences of narcissistic rage - both social and personal - grow more unacceptable, depression sets in. The victim internalizes his aggressive impulses. Self directed rage is safer but is the cause of great sadness and even suicidal ideation. The victim's depression is a way of conforming to social norms. It is also instrumental in ridding the victim of the unhealthy residues of narcissistic regression. It is when the victim acknowledges the malignancy of his rage (and its anti-social nature) that he adopts a depressive stance

Society Phase IV - HELPLESSNESS

People around the victim ("society") also emerge from their phase of rage transformed. As they realize the futility of their rage, they feel more and more helpless and devoid of options. They grasp their limitations and the irrelevance of their good intentions. They accept the inevitability of loss and evil and Kafkaesquely agree to live under an ominous cloud of arbitrary judgement, meted out by impersonal powers.

Summary Phase IV

Again, the members of society are unable to help the victim to emerge from a self-destructive phase. His depression is enhanced by their apparent helplessness. Their introversion and inefficacy induce in the victim a feeling of nightmarish isolation and alienation. Healing and growth are once again retarded or even inhibited.

PHASE V

Victim Phase V - ACCEPTANCE AND MOVING ON

Depression - if pathologically protracted and in conjunction with other mental health problems - sometimes leads to suicide. But more often, it allows the victim to process mentally hurtful and potentially harmful material and paves the way to acceptance. Depression is a laboratory of the psyche. Withdrawal from social pressures enables the direct transformation of anger into other emotions, some of them otherwise socially unacceptable. The honest encounter between the victim and his own (possible) death often becomes a cathartic and self-empowering inner dynamic. The victim emerges ready to move on.

Society Phase V - DENIAL

Society, on the other hand, having exhausted its reactive arsenal - resorts to denial. As memories fade and as the victim recovers and abandons his obsessive-compulsive dwelling on his pain - society feels morally justified to forget and forgive. This mood of historical revisionism, of moral leniency, of effusive forgiveness, of re-interpretation, and of a refusal to remember in detail - leads to a repression and denial of the painful events by society.

Summary Phase V

This final mismatch between the victim's emotional needs and society's reactions is less damaging to the victim. He is now more resilient, stronger, more flexible, and more willing to forgive and forget. Society's denial is really a denial of the victim. But, having ridden himself of more primitive narcissistic defences - the victim can do without society's acceptance, approval, or look. Having endured the purgatory of grieving, he has now re-acquired his self, independent of society's acknowledgement.

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next: On Uniqueness

The narcissist is an actor in a monodrama, yet forced to remain behind the scenes. The scenes take center stage, instead.

The narcissist does not cater at all to his own needs. Contrary to his reputation, the narcissist does not "love" himself in any true sense of this loaded word.

He feeds off other people who hurl back at him an image that he projects to them. This is their sole function in his world: to reflect, to admire, to applaud, to detest - in a word, to assure him that he exists. Otherwise, they have no right to tax his time, energy, or emotions - so he feels.

According to the legend of Narcissus, this Greek boy fell in love with his own reflection in a pond. Presumably, this amply sums up the nature of his namesakes: narcissists. The mythological Narcissus rejected the advances of the nymph Echo and was punished by Nemesis, consigned to pine away as he fell in love with his own reflection - exactly as Echo had pined away for him. How apt. Narcissists are punished by echoes and reflections of their problematic personalities up to this very day.

How do I know so much about narcissism? I am a narcissist and, of course, I've done a lot of research on the subject.

My name is Sam Vaknin. I'm a Ph.D. My book, Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited, offers a detailed, first-hand account of what it is like to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It offers new insights and an organized methodological framework using a new psychodynamic language.

Inside this site, and through my book, I survey the main body of research about narcissism. I warn you though, Narcissism is a slippery subject: only with great difficulty can it be captured with words. A new vocabulary had to be invented to account for the myriad of facets and appearances - false and true - of this disease.

I've also included many frequently asked questions about narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) along with excerpts from my very popular Narcissism Email List.

I recommend that you start with the Table of Contents so that you can take fully advantage of the extensive information presented here. So enjoy your visit, read more about me, and come back often.

Visit Dr. Sam Vaknin's new sections: Abusers and Abusive Behaviors and Personality Disorders

Warning & Disclaimer:The contents of this website are not meant to substitute for professional help and counseling. The readers are discouraged from using it for diagnostic or therapeutic ends. The diagnosis and treatment of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder can only be done by a professional specifically trained and qualified to do so - which the author is not.

next: My Story

Chapter 34 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

IT'S AN AGE-OLD BATTLE. Pessimists think optimists are foolish, optimists think pessimists make themselves unnecessarily miserable. A lot of research has been done on this issue in the last 30 years. Have we answered the question yet? Is the glass half-full or half-empty?

Martin Seligman and his colleagues at the University of Pennsylvania found that optimistic people are happier than pessimists. When something bad happens, optimists think of it as temporary, limited in its effect, and not entirely their fault. Pessimists do the opposite. They consider the setback to be permanent, far-reaching and all their fault. There are varying degrees of this, of course; it's not black or white. Most people fall somewhere between the two extremes.

The main difference between optimists and pessimists is how they explain setbacks to themselves. Using these definitions, researchers find that optimism contributes to good health and pessimism contributes to illness.

In several large-scale, long-term, carefully controlled experiments, Seligman discovered that optimists are more successful than pessimists - optimistic politicians win more elections, optimistic students get better grades, optimistic athletes win more contests, optimistic salespeople make more money.

Why would this be so? Because optimism and pessimism both tend to be self-fulfilling prophecies. If you think a setback is permanent, why would you try to change it? Pessimistic explanations tend to make you feel defeated - making you less likely to take constructive action. Optimistic explanations, on the other hand, make you more likely to act. If you think the setback is only temporary, you're apt to try to do something about it, and because you take action, you make it temporary. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Pessimistic people do have one advantage: They see reality more accurately. It's the attitude to adopt if you're attempting something risky or dangerous. But be careful because one of the biggest counts against pessimism is that it causes depression. More accurately, pessimism sets up the condition for depression to occur. One bad setback can knock a pessimist into the pit.

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Since depression costs this country more per year than heart disease (the nation's number one killer), pessimism has serious side effects. It's kind of a booby-prize for a pessimist to be able to say, "Yes, but I see reality more accurately."

The good news is that a pessimist can learn to be an optimist. Pessimists can learn to see the temporary aspects of setbacks. They can be more specific about the effects of it, they can learn to not take all the blame and they can learn to take credit for the good they do. All it takes is practice. Optimism is simply a way of thinking about good and bad; it's a cognitive skill anyone can learn.

So, what about the age-old conflict? Is the glass half-full or half-empty? Our best answer is that the glass is both half-full and half-empty, but you're much better off if you think of it as half-full.

When bad happens:
Assume it won't last long, look to see what isn't affected, and don't indulge in self-blame.

 

When good happens:
Consider its effects permanent, see how much of your life is affected, and look to see how much you can take credit for.

next: Optimism is Healthy