Positive Thinking: The Next Generation

MAKING POSITIVE STATEMENTS to yourself when you feel down improves your mood - but only slightly. Thirty years ago, that was the best you could hope for. But since then, an enormous amount of research has been done on exactly how our thoughts affect the way we feel. This is the realm of cognitive science.

The most important insight from cognitive research is this: When you feel angry, anxious, or depressed, those feelings are largely caused by irrational (unreasonable) assumptions.

Of course, circumstances call for some kind of response, but your response will depend on your habits of thinking. When you're in the habit of making faulty (irrational, unreasonable, unjustifiable) assumptions in response to certain kinds of events, you're likely to feel a lot of anger, anxiety or sadness in that area of your life.

Cognitive science says, "Rather than trying to think positively, find out what's wrong with your negative thinking. If you've got strong negative feelings, your thinking is inevitably distorted, unsubstantiated and overgeneralized." Criticizing the assumptions behind your negative feelings measurably and significantly improves your mood. When you find yourself making an unreasonable assumption and it makes you feel bad, attack the assumption. Check it for illogic. See if you're exaggerating or ignoring evidence.

Give your own negative thoughts the same treatment you would give to the statements of a fast-talking salesman: Question them without mercy. Don't assume that something is true simply because you thought it. Check your own thoughts against logic and evidence as skeptically as you would the thoughts of someone else. You are fallible like any other human being, and you are capable of thinking thoughts that are not only untrue, but also counterproductive.

If you've got the time, criticize your assumptions on paper. Write an assumption you're making - something you think is true about the situation, some assessment or opinion you have - and then write out all the reasons why that assumption may not, in fact, be true, and why it may be a supremely stupid thing to think. This is one of my favorite methods. When I do this, I often use two pens of different color, one for the assumptions and one for my criticisms of those assumptions.


 


Old-style positive thinking - the kind of pollyanna, rose-colored glasses, everything-happens-for-a-reason positive thinking - ignores an important issue: truth. And that's why it doesn't work very well. Thinking positively only works if you believe it, and it's very difficult for a modern, educated, rational person (you, for instance) to believe something just because it's a nice thought.

Don't bother with positive thinking. Something much better has been discovered. When you feel mad, annoyed, frustrated, stressed, worried, or down-in-the-dumps, pay attention to your thoughts and then argue with those thoughts on the basis of evidence and reason. At the moment you recognize one of your negative thoughts as irrational, you'll feel better.

You may have to argue with the same thoughts over and over again, sometimes for months, but eventually you'll get in the habit of making more rational assumptions, and the more rational your thoughts, the less you'll be troubled by the negative emotions your thoughts were causing. When you're no longer burdened by unnecessary feelings of sadness, anger, and fear, you'll find your general mood and sense of well-being will rise to a new level. Cut yourself free of needless negative emotions with the blade of rationality.

Criticize the assumptions behind your negative feelings.

next: From Hope to Chang

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 1). Positive Thinking: The Next Generation, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/self-help-stuff-that-works/positive-thinking-the-next-generation

Last Updated: March 30, 2016

Index by Theme

Contents of Narcissism Articles by Theme:

Narcissism, Grandiosity, Omnipotence
Diagnosis
Behaviour
Comorbidities
Brain, Intellect, Knowledge
Illusion, Delusion, Lying
Authority
Children, Childhood
Emotions
Family, Relationships, Love
Women
Body
Possessions, Money, Work
Personality and Personality Disorders
Abusers, Abuse Victims, Abuse in the Family
Mental Health Dictionary

Narcissism, Grandiosity, Omnipotence

Diagnosis

Behaviour

Comorbidities

Brain, Intellect, Knowledge

Illusion, Delusion, Lying

Authority

Children, Childhood

Emotions

Family, Relationships, Love

Women

Body

Possessions, Money, Work

Personality and Personality Disorders

Abusers, Abuse Victims, Abuse in the Family, Abusive Behaviors

Abuse in the Family

Mental Health Dictionary



back to:   Malignant Self Love Sitemap

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 1). Index by Theme, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/index-by-theme

Last Updated: October 12, 2015

Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited Sitemap

Contents in Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited Website:

Introduction
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Journal Entries: The Mind of the Narcissist
Frequently Asked Questions About the Narcissist,Others and Society
Articles on Narcissism
Articles on Personality and Personality Disorders
Articles on Abusers, Abuse Victims and Abuse in the Family
Interviews with Dr. Vaknin
Malignant Self Love: The Book
Malignant Self Love: Book Excerpts
Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List
Videos with Sam Vaknin

Introduction

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

top

Journal Entries: The Mind of the Narcissist

top

Frequently Asked Questions About Narcissism

FAQ's about The Narcissistic Personality Disorder

top

FAQ's about The Narcissist and Others

top

FAQ's about The Narcissist and Society

top

Articles by Dr. Vaknin on Narcissism

top

Articles by Dr. Vaknin on Personality and Personality Disorders

top

Articles by Dr. Vaknin on Abuse, Abuse Victims, Abuse in the Family

Abuse in the Family

top

Interviews with Sam Vaknin

The Book: Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

top

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited Book Excerpts

top

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List

Videos with Sam Vaknin

Mental Health Dictionary


 

back to: Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited Homepage

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 1). Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited Sitemap, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/malignant-self-love-narcisism-revisited-sitemap

Last Updated: July 5, 2018

Parenting A Bipolar Child

What parents of bipolar children can do to help their bipolar child and themselves.

Help Your Bipolar Child Lead A Rewarding Life

Parenting a child with bipolar disorder presents its own unique challenges. Family and friends may have attributed your child's difficult behavior to stubbornness or other personality flaws. They may disagree with your parenting skills, however, it is important to recognize and accept bipolar disorder for what it is - just another medical condition. If your child had epilepsy, no one would blame you or your child, right?

Educating yourself about bipolar disorder is important when your child is diagnosed with this disorder. You will need all that knowledge you can absorb in order to crop with what is laying ahead of you. Online support groups can provide a wealth of information. Offline support groups will also give you the opportunity to speak to other parents dealing with the same issues.

It is important to take good care of yourself when parenting a bipolar child. Eating healthy, getting proper rest, and doing things for yourself can help you cope with the stress of the demands of parenting a child with special needs. On top of that, eating a balanced diet could also help regulate your child's mood and gives the nutrition required by a growing child.

Exercise can help your child burn off excess energy. This is especially beneficial if you recognize the signs of an impending mania or rage. Keeping a regular schedule, especially for sleep, can also help you manage bipolar symptoms.

Feel free to ask the doctor any questions you may have. You are your child's advocate. You should understand the disorder and the symptoms that your child is experiencing. The communication with your child's doctor is a two-way street. Who better than you can tell the doctor whether or not the treatment is working? Some parents find it helpful to keep a log or calendar to note your child's symptoms. If you feel like your child's doctor does not understand the severity of your child's episodes, you might want to videotape the rage episodes.

Therapy is an essential tool when learning how to manage bipolar disorder. Therapy teaches your child how to recognize warning signs of the illness and cope with their emotions. Family therapy can be helpful to the bipolar child and the whole family as each individual must learn about the disorder. Bipolar disorder inevitably affects everyone in the family.

It is important that you get your bipolar child the treatment that they need. The sooner bipolar disorder is treated, the better. If left untreated, it can only get worse. A majority of adolescents with untreated bipolar disorder end up abusing alcohol or drugs. Bipolar disorder is highly treatable. Finally, there is no reason to believe that your child will not be able to go on to lead a productive life.

About the author: Moses Wright is the founder of Manic Depression Net, which is no longer online.

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 1). Parenting A Bipolar Child, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/bipolar-children/parenting-bipolar-child

Last Updated: August 19, 2019

How Happy Couples Stay that Way

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

HERE IS MY PERSONAL LIST OF TRAITS I ADMIRE MOST.

I've arranged this list from "most necessary" on down. ...Thanks to my two major "teachers" on this topic: My wife, Janet, and the couples I've met through therapy...

TIME AND ENERGY TOGETHER

The MOST important trait of all: whether the two people spend enough time and energy on each other.

"Enough" is a personal matter to be decided between them. Each couple must work out how much is enough (and how much is too much) on their own.

Some couples have terrible relationships even though they are good at all of the other things mentioned in this article. To outsiders it appears that their "only" problem is that they have screwed up priorities. They spend their time and energy on money, career, their extended families - everything but their relationship!

Even though these couples treat each other rather well when they are together, both partners usually have major levels of fear about commitment and intimacy. Therapy is usually a very good idea for them.

SAFE TOUCHING

The second most important trait is the regular availability of safe physical touch. Non-sexual touching is a bit more important than sexual touching, but SAFE touch (non-intrusive, wanted, freely-given, and well absorbed), is why we get together as couples in the first place.

COOPERATION

Sad to say, but this third trait is not a very common one in this culture. COOPERATIVE couples believe that conflicts are resolved when BOTH people get what they want. COMPETITIVE couples believe that conflicts are resolved when one person "wins" and the other person "loses"

Most couples try to "compromise" instead of being either completely cooperative or totally competitive. They each try to "lose as little as possible" and "win as much as possible" (which is still a competitive, not cooperative).


 


Compromise is needed SOMETIMES, but very, very seldom.

In most conflicts it IS possible to find a way for both people to get what they truly want instead of settling for some "part" of it.

Compromising and competitive couples don't even THINK about how they can BOTH get what they want.

PROBLEMS AND "BAGGAGE"

Every relationship has some serious problems to face, and each person brings their own "psychological baggage" with them. How couples handle these issues often separates those who succeed from those who fail.

Two important characteristics operate here: Successful couples know who OWNS the problem and who's RESPONSIBLE for fixing it.

It is vital that each person "own" their own problems, and that neither person takes responsibility for "fixing" the other.

(See "What Helps?" - Another article in this series.)

ABOUT "STANDARDS"

Couples often have disagreements about what might be called "concrete" matters - things like how clean to keep the house, how much money to have in the bank, etc.

Successful couples understand that on each of these issues the person with the higher standards is responsible for any additional work that might be required to meet their higher standard.

Example #1:

The Standard: He wants the house to "sparkle." She is happy when it's just "not dirty." A Fair Resolution: They split the work required to make their place "not dirty," but it's HIS responsibility to go beyond that to make it "sparkle."

Example #2:

The Standard: She wants to be "rich." He wants only "to get by" financially. A Fair Resolution: They split the work required to make them "get by," but it's HER job to go beyond that to make them "rich."

Discussion:

This way of resolving conflicts acknowledges that standards about such things are voluntary, and that each person's standards are their own responsibility. It also acknowledges that neither person has a responsibility to "make" the other person happy!

The person with the lower standards may CHOOSE to share the extra work, but this is a choice to be appreciated and not a requirement to be demanded or expected. If this still feels "unfair" to you, remember: Each person CHOSE their partner in the first place! If my wife is "too dirty" or "not rich enough" for me - and if she didn't con me when we met - it is MY responsibility that I'm with her! I made that choice!

...Now you'll have to excuse me... I've got to go explain to Janet about that last statement being just an example....

next: How to Have a Lousy Sex Life!

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 1). How Happy Couples Stay that Way, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/how-happy-couples-stay-that-way

Last Updated: March 29, 2016

Nutritional Therapy for Depression

62 nutritional therapy for depression

There are alternatives to antidepressants for depression. A few doctors are recommending nutritional therapy to treat depression and it appears to be working.

By the time she turned 44, Rebecca Jones* felt like she was falling apart. "Some times I was plagued by a crushing fatigue, I was moody, and just moving through my day was a major chore," she says. "I wasn't sleeping well, had lots of headaches and a sluggish libido, and my memory was often foggy." Jones chalked up some of her woes to perimenopause, so she followed some of the standard advice for that, like cutting out caffeine, for instance. But she still felt wobbly and low.

A clinical psychologist by profession, Jones recognized that some of her symptoms pointed to depression. She figured she needed some serious attention, so she made an appointment with Los Angeles psychiatrist Hyla Cass.

Like most psychiatrists would, Cass asked Jones how she was feeling. But that was just the beginning. Jones soon found herself detailing what she ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and in-between. She was asked to describe her energy and mood swings throughout the day, her sleep patterns, and any worrisome symptom she could think of.

Cass sent Jones for a battery of tests—blood tests that went far beyond the usual screenings—to look for anemia, blood sugar levels, and thyroid function, factors widely believed to contribute to depression. Cass also tested Jones for candida and checked her chromium, magnesium, and estrogen levels, as well as her adrenal function and her risk for toxic overload, among other things.

After analyzing the results, Cass opted not to recommend antidepressants. Instead, she told Jones to start taking supplements, including chromium, which evens out blood sugar levels, and magnesium, vital for brainpower. She gave her a specific supplement for candida, plus a menopause support formula, and another remedy to help restore adrenal function.


 


"Within the first week of following her program, I felt much better," says Jones. After three weeks she went back for more tests, and Cass prescribed additional supplements. "It's still unbelievable to me," says Jones, "but after six weeks, my mood swings and anxiety disappeared completely." These days, she continues to take supplements to control her depression and boost her energy, and has yet to take a single antidepressant.

No Antidepressants

For those accustomed to the notion that therapy means talking through problems and getting a prescription for antidepressants, this may seem an unusual approach. But Cass, an expert in nutritional medicine and an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, long ago became convinced that no form of psychotherapy can be fully effective if the brain isn't functioning properly. And to do that the brain needs optimal nourishment, something she says is increasingly hard to come by in the typical American diet. "Depressed, tired, overweight women are often told they need Prozac," Cass says, "when in fact all they really need to get their brains and bodies on track is a steady supply of real food."

She recommends that her patients drink lots of water and eat organic vegetables and fruits, whole grains, and lean protein. "Diets high in refined foods, sugars, and unhealthy fats can actually interfere with our natural brain chemistry," says Cass.

Modern eating habits are part of what makes many people depressed, says Michael Lesser, a psychiatrist in Berkeley, California, who also bases his treatment on an evaluation of a patient's diet and lifestyle. "Ironically, though we live in a wealthy society, our diets are deficient in crucial nutrients," says Lesser, author of The Brain Chemistry Plan.

Nutritional deficiencies can contribute to chemical imbalances, like anemia and hypothyroidism, which in turn can lead to anxiety, insomnia—and depression. Cass has observed that people with depression are commonly diagnosed with low levels of zinc, magnesium, B vitamins, essential fatty acids, and amino acids. In fact, Lesser firmly believes that most cases of depression in this country are either caused or exacerbated by poor nutrition.

Indeed, the last few years have seen increasing numbers of studies finding that specific nutrients can help manage, and even reverse, depression, along with anxiety, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), schizophrenia, and even autism. One of the most compelling, a study from Harvard, found that omega-3 fatty acids in conjunction with medication worked so powerfully on manic depression that the study was halted so every subject could take them.

The new research has inspired the launch of at least one scientific journal devoted to the subject, Nutritional Neuroscience, and dozens of books—ten of them by Cass, including Natural Highs: Feel Good All the Time and the just-released 8 Weeks to Vibrant Health. "There have been huge advances over the past few years finding that nutritional intervention can treat many behavioral and mental conditions we used to think were untreatable," says Lewis Mehl-Madrona, associate professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of Arizona College of Medicine.


No Side-Effects with Nutritional Therapy for Depression

Why so much interest? Experts say nutritional therapy is catching on in part due to growing discomfort with antidepressants: Physicians are realizing they're not as effective long-term as was once hoped, and they often have nasty side effects, such as loss of libido and nausea. "We're becoming more realistic about the limitations of drugs," says Susan Lord, director of nutrition programs for the Center for Mind-Body Medicine in Washington, D.C. "They're not the magic bullets we once thought."

Much of the interest is also coming from patients themselves, says Cass. As more people realize they need to pay attention to what they eat in order to feel good, more are asking their doctors for nutritional help. Lord sees this in the growing popularity of the "Food as Medicine" workshops her center hosts for health care practitioners.

Within five years, she predicts, the demand among doctors for education about nutrition will be huge."Most physicians already see the writing on the wall," she says, "and are in the uncomfortable position of not knowing the answers, but feeling they should."

While it's clear the brain can be greatly influenced by what we eat, researchers are just beginning to figure out why. The answer has at least something to do with the composition of neurotransmitters, whose intricate wiring controls thinking, actions, and moods; these chemicals are made of amino acids, and certain vitamins and minerals play critical roles in their formation. The very makeup of brain cells also depends on nutrients—omega-3s are part of every cell membrane.

When a person's diet is deficient in some of these nutrients, neurotransmitters aren't made correctly or don't get what they need to function properly, and various emotional and mental disorders can result. For instance, low blood sugar can contribute to some forms of depression, and so can low levels of zinc in some people.

For all the recent research, Lesser and Cass are still among a maverick few who focus primarily on nutritional interventions for mental health problems. For most psychiatrists, drugs are better known, despite their problematic side effects—and therefore less risky.


 


Both Lesser and Cass arrived at the notion that nutrition can influence brain chemistry early in their medical careers. Lesser, who was conventionally trained at Cornell and Albert Einstein Medical Center in New York City in the 1960s, started tinkering with nutrients after becoming frustrated by his field's emphasis on drugs.

Shortly after he'd finished his residency, Lesser came across a report that treating schizophrenics with niacin tended to improve their symptoms. He figured that if the niacin worked, he should also experiment with other dietary strategies that have been linked to mood.

So he tried the approach on a patient of his own and put the young man on a high-protein diet, gave him a slew of supplements, including niacin, vitamin C, and zinc, and told him to cut out caffeine and cigarettes. Soon after his patient showed dramatic improvement, Lesser founded the Orthomolecular Medical Society, with the stated objective of emphasizing natural substances such as vitamins, minerals, amino acids, and essential fats in the prevention and treatment of diseases.

As for Cass, even before she began her training she was predisposed to the idea that drugs aren't always the answer. The daughter of an old-fashioned family physician in Canada, she was drawn to a personalized kind of medicine that honored both mind and body. Shortly into her practice, she found that the standard "couch and Prozac" combination of talk therapy and pharmacology only goes so far.

Over time, she eventually developed the approach she uses today, which is to start by evaluating the patient in a number of ways—emotionally, physically, and biochemically. Then she supplies specific health prescriptions, which include supplements and food, often in tandem with exercise, natural hormones, and mind-body techniques.

Partnering with Your Doctor to Overcome Depression

The approach isn't for everyone. It requires that a patient be a full partner in his or her care, and not everyone is motivated enough to make what can amount to pretty daunting lifestyle changes, including shopping for organic food, preparing meals without using a lot of salt, sugar, and unhealthy fats, and taking all those supplements—especially people who are depressed to begin with.

Sometimes the best option is indeed medication, says Cass, particularly with severe cases of depression. "The most important thing is to help the patient," she says.

But even small changes—like cutting out processed foods, or adding daily fish oil pills—can make a big difference, they say. And once started, the process can develop its own momentum. "People start eating a little better or taking a few supplements, and they often start feeling a little better," says Lord. "That's when they become open to trying more changes."

Many of the patients who do manage to stick to the program say it is worth the effort. After a couple of months on Cass's regimen, Rebecca Jones is certainly convinced. She hasn't had to make many dietary adjustments—she was already eating reasonably well to begin with and exercising a few times a week. So the only change she's made was to start taking supplements. But the results have been dramatic.

The supplements are costly, she admits, running about $100 a month. "But that's all it takes—I don't need any expensive prescription drugs." She expects to stay on some of the supplements for the rest of her life, and to continue to consult with Cass periodically. "But that's okay," she says. "My mood has evened out considerably—all of the depressive symptoms I had are gone. I'm much, much better now."


Alternatives to Prozac

Many experts now believe that diet and supplements can make a big difference in treating depression, though not every type. People who can tie their sadness to a particular event, like the breakup of a relationship or a job loss, are much more likely to find success with mood-boosting supplements. "But if your depression is unexplained, you should be seeing a professional and asking serious questions—not just popping 5-HTP," says Timothy Birdsall, director of naturopathic medicine for Cancer Treatment Centers of America. Depression might be the result of heart trouble that doesn't allow enough oxygen to get to the brain, for instance, or an intestinal problem that prevents efficient absorption of vitamin B-12.

In fact, professional guidance can make any program more effective by making it more targeted, says Mark Hyman, editor-in-chief of Alternative Therapies in Health and Medicine. Physicians can test patients first to diagnose chemical imbalances, and then take it from there. Working with a doctor also helps determine what does and doesn't work. "We're not the best judge of our own condition when it comes to depression," says Kenneth Pelletier, clinical professor of medicine at the University of Maryland School of Medicine. "It's something you shouldn't tackle alone."

- B Vitamins Many people, particularly women over 65, have B-12 deficiencies and respond dramatically to injections of the vitamin. But all B vitamins can boost mood; they work by facilitating neurotransmitter function. Other pluses: B vitamins are critical for preventing other maladies, including heart disease, cancer, and Alzheimer's. Dosage: Take at least 800 micrograms of folate, 1,000 mcg of B-12, and 25 to 50 milligrams of B-6. A B-complex vitamin should do the trick, says Hyman, and if you're depressed, take more. Take them in combination because otherwise one can mask another B vitamin deficiency. Risks: None.


 


- Essential fatty acids Their benefits are among the best documented. The reason they're so effective? Essential fatty acids are part of every cell membrane, and if those membranes aren't functioning well, then neither is your brain. Dosage: For depression, take at least 2,000 to 4,000 mg of fish oil a day. Should be purified or distilled so it's free of heavy metals. Risks: Very safe, albeit unstable. Since it can oxidize in your body, take it along with other antioxidants, like vitamin E (400 IUs a day).

- Amino acids The building blocks of neurotransmitters; 5-HTP is the most popular. Taking it can elevate mood in cases of depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, and relieve insomnia. Increases production of the neurotransmitter serotonin. Dosage: Start with a low dose, 50 mg two to three times a day; after two weeks, increase the dose to 100 mg three times a day. Risks: Mild nausea or diarrhea. Before starting, get off antidepressants (under a doctor's supervision); the combination can produce an overload of serotonin.

- Saint-john's-wort One of the best-known remedies. Best for mild to moderate depression. Dosage: Start on a dose of 300 mg (standardized to 0.3 percent hypericin extract) two to three times a day, depending on severity of depression; it can take three weeks to show benefits. Risks: It may interfere with up to half of all drugs, prescription and over-the-counter.

- Sam-e An amino acid combination produced by humans, animals, and plants. Supplements come from a synthetic version produced in a lab that has shown a lot of promise in European studies. May affect the synthesis of neurotransmitters. Has fewer side effects than 5-HTP and fewer drug interactions than Saint-John's-wort. Dosage: Can range from 400 to 1,200 mg a day, though high doses can cause jitteriness and insomnia. Risks: People with bipolar disorder shouldn't use it without supervision because it can trigger mania.

- Rhodiola rosea Considered an adaptogen, which means it can increase your resistance to a variety of stressors. May be good for mild to moderately depressed patients. Dosage: Take 100 to 200 mg three times a day, standardized to 3 percent rosavin. Risks: More than 1,500 mg a day can cause irritability or insomnia.

- Dhea This hormone is marketed in Europe specifically for postmenopausal depression, though it may be helpful for other forms as well. Has been used in conjunction with estrogen to treat hot flashes. Not clear why it helps boost mood and energy. Dosage: 25 to 200 mg a day. Risks: Any hormonal supplement has the potential to increase cancer risk.

Finding professional help.To find an integrative doctor, visit drweilselfhealing.com and click integrative medicine clinics; or check holisticmedicine.org. For an orthomolecular physician, visit the International Society of Orthomolecular Medicine (orthomed.com).

Source: Alternative Medicine

back to: Complimentary and Alternative Medicine

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 1). Nutritional Therapy for Depression, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/depression-alternative/nutritional-therapy-for-depression

Last Updated: July 11, 2016

Living with Alcoholics

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

THE PROBLEM

Alcoholism is still the scourge of this country. Earlier identification of the problem and better treatment programs have improved things, but the number of lives damaged by the problem and all of the costs involved remain immense. Much of what will be said here applies to other types of chemical addiction as well.

IN THE FAMILY

Alcoholism is a family disease. In its typical form, alcoholism requires a family which is as united in its denial as it is in its chaos.

IS IT REALLY ALCOHOLISM?

Most spouses of alcoholics care too much if their partner is "really" alcoholic or not. This question is best left to the experts, and even they cannot always be sure. Ultimately, it doesn't matter if your partner is an alcoholic. What matters is how you and the rest of your family are treated.

HOW YOU ARE TREATED

If you are being badly treated by someone, focus on that behavior and tell them it must stop. Don't be too concerned about whether they are alcoholic, whether they need treatment, etc. If you've been taking this mistreatment for some time, do be concerned about your problem of tolerating the mistreatment, and about the treatment you need to overcome your problem.

DON'T ACCEPT APOLOGIES

If you are dealing with a "true alcoholic personality", you will notice that they always apologize at some point after they have mistreated you - usually the next morning. NEVER accept these apologies. Tell them directly that you will not accept their apologies no matter how sincerely or pitifully they are offered to you. Tell them that the ONLY thing that matters is that the mistreatment itself must stop.


 


"BUT SOMETIMES THEY CAN BE SO NICE"

Unfortunately, alcoholics often have two sides to their personalities. They can be very abusive and they can be very caring. If you want the caring too much, you will get the abuse too.

NOTE: Some people who consider themselves alcoholics are not directly abusive to others - but people who are considered to have the typical "alcoholic personality" definitely are! [.. You can be an "alcoholic" by one definition and not by another... AA tends to define alcoholics by their alcohol usage; therapists, of course, tend to think of typical personality traits.. ]

INTERVENTIONS

Since alcoholics almost universally deny that they have a problem, a treatment strategy called "interventions" is often necessary. A professional alcohol counselor calls a surprise meeting which the alcoholic, their family, their closest friends, and sometimes even coworkers attend. This group then "confronts" the alcoholic with their behavior. If you know someone who you believe has a serious alcohol problem, call a treatment program to discuss an intervention. They don't always work, but they are your best and often your ONLY hope short of simply getting away from the alcoholic.

TO THE ALCOHOLIC

If you are an alcoholic in denial, this is what I want to say to you. Is this the way you WANT to treat the the people you LOVE?

IS THIS A TRUE REFLECTION OF WHO YOU ARE?

If not, you definitely need professional help, whether it is about drinking or not. Think also about your priorities: Is your life organized around your drinking? If so, you need alcohol treatment. You owe it to yourself TO REDISCOVER WHO YOU ARE without drinking. You can't do it on your own. You have tried. Don't be concerned about whether it is a disease or not right now. If it's a disease, it's a curable one. If it's not a disease, it's a bunch of changeable behaviors. Be concerned about what is happening to your life and to the lives of those you love. Be concerned about what has become of you. Remember who you once were, and who you have always wanted to be.

TO THE ALCOHOLIC'S PARTNER

You may feel insulted when you hear that you have a problem too. But if you keep taking the alcoholic's abuse, there can be no doubt about it. You probably either feel you "deserve" the abuse (a guilt problem) or you need someone to vent your anger on (an anger problem). You can't reasonably ask your partner to get help if you don't.

DO YOU "WONDER"?

People who think they "might" be in an alcoholic family usually are. If you've read this far with interest, you probably need to talk to someone about how alcohol is hurting you and your family.

next: How Happy Couples Stay that Way

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 1). Living with Alcoholics, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/living-with-alcoholics

Last Updated: March 30, 2016

Angels, Infants, and Hope

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

MY PROBLEM WITH ANGELS

Whenever someone tells me that some force intervened in their life to change things for the better I think I understand completely.

I remember times in my own life, and many times in other people's lives, when a sudden change seemed to come out of nowhere to make all the difference.

But I can't understand why people prefer to think of such things as coming from outside of themselves instead of from within.

WHY DON'T THEY CALL IT 'ME'?

Something guides me and protects me and loves me. Something will always care about me and about everyone I love.

I call this something "me," and I find it deep inside, and I know I can count on it to be there.

Whether you think of this force as yourself or as an angel, please know that you own it - and nourish it - and decide what it does.

Know you can count on your own "angel."

ABOUT INFANTS

Think about the last time you saw a newborn child.

Remember the special joy you felt to be in its presence, to experience the miracle of new life, and to recall for just a few seconds what it once felt like to be an infant.

Can you possibly imagine that this child is evil?
Can you possibly imagine that this child was "born bad"?
Did you see even some tiny sign of evil in that infant's face?
Of course not.

Many people who believe in angels also believe that we were all "born bad."

That's why they just can't comprehend how mere human beings can do wonderful things.

That's why they need to believe that angels need to intervene to rescue us from ourselves.

WHAT DOES ALL THIS HAVE TO DO WITH PSYCHOLOGY?

This isn't just some philosophical issue.

Whether we believe in our own inherent evil goes to the heart of every psychological problem.

Whatever we feel bad about - whether we are anxious, or depressed, or addicted, or we keep having bad relationships - we all need to feel hopeful to summon the energy it takes to work on our changes.

If you believe human nature is evil, you can easily feel hopeless.

If you believe human nature is good or even neutral, you can much more easily feel hopeful.


 


WHAT DOES ALL THIS HAVE TO DO WITH RELIGION?

Since I was raised in the Christian tradition, I will be using Christianity as a starting point here...

Christians who feel hopeless about this life tend to believe we are born bad and spend our lives struggling against temptation to try to earn our way into heaven. Their God continually tests them and is always ready to punish.

Christians who feel hopeful about this life tend to believe we are born good (or at least "neutral")
and we spend our lives absorbing and spreading His love. Their God continually loves them and is always ready to accept them.

Fortunately, there is plenty of room in Christianity for both the hopeless people and the hopeful people.

Every large religion makes room for those who feel hopeful and those who don't.

Regardless of what religion we choose, and whether we choose any religion at all, we all make our own choices about these three central, life-sustaining questions:

Are we born bad, good, or neither? Does goodness come from within or without? Is our life hopeful or hopeless?

WHAT DOES ALL THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ME?

It's just a few weeks before Christmas as I write this.
That's why I'm thinking about hope and despair, angels and infants.

WHAT DOES ALL THIS HAVE TO DO WITH YOU?

Whether your think your goodness comes from within you or from the heavens, and whether you think you were born bad, good, or neither, what you believe about these things will play a huge role in the outcome of your journey.

Adults decide their own beliefs. They aren't necessarily stuck with the beliefs of their parents. Take responsibility for your beliefs and for whether you choose to keep or change each one.

Enjoy Your Changes! Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: Problem Solving Table of Contents

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 1). Angels, Infants, and Hope, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/angels-infants-and-hope

Last Updated: March 29, 2016

Ten Ways to Have More Responsible Children

 

We'd all like our kids to develop into responsible people. How can we help to ensure that our kids learn the lessons of responsibility? Here are some ideas:

1. Start them with tasks when they're young.

Young kids have a strong desire to help out, even as young as age 2. They can do a lot more than you think if you're patient and creative. This helps build confidence and enthusiasm for later tasks in their life.

2. Don't use rewards with your kids.

If you want your kids to develop an intrinsic sense of responsibility, they need to learn the "big picture" value of the things they do. They won't learn that if they're focused on what they're going to "get."

3. Use natural consequences when they make mistakes.

If they keep losing their baseball glove somewhere, let them deal with the consequences. Maybe they have to ask to borrow one for the game. Maybe they have to buy a new one if it's lost. If you rescue them every time they screw up, they'll never learn responsibility.

4. Let them know when you see them being responsible.

Specifically, point out what you like about their behavior. This will make it more likely to continue to happen.

5. Talk often about responsibility with your kids.

Make responsibility a family value, let them know it's important.

6. Model responsible behavior for your kids.

This is where they'll learn it from. Take care of your stuff. Try to be on time. They're watching you very closely.

7. Give them an allowance early in their life.

Let them make their own money decisions from an early age. They'll learn their lessons in a hurry. Don't bail them out if they run out of money.

8. Have a strong, unfailing belief that your kids are responsible.

They'll pick up on this belief and they'll tend to rise to the level of expectation. And keep believing this even when they mess up!

9. Train them to be responsible.

Use role-play and talk to them about exactly what kind of behavior you expect from them. It's hard for kids to be responsible when they don't know what it looks like.

10. Get some help and support for your parenting.

It's hard to know sometimes whether you're being too controlling or too permissive as a parent. Talk to other parents, read books, join parent support groups, whatever will help you feel like you're not alone.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He is the author of "25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers."

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 1). Ten Ways to Have More Responsible Children, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/parenting-skills/ten-ways-to-have-more-responsible-children

Last Updated: August 19, 2019

Sensate Focusing Prologue

Chapter 1

Prologue

Who of us has not experienced a stomach ache (or at least butterflies) before a test or examination or an important interview. Who of us has not felt a `pinch' in his* heart when he sees the loved one who broke his heart, pass in the street, arm in arm with another. Who does not feel a lump in his throat on learning about a tragedy that has happened to someone close. Whose anger was not aroused many times upon witnessing evil or injustice. Who of us is completely free of events of bottled fear - the kind that makes us feel tense but does not allow us to relate it to a specific or defined thing? Who has not felt depressed, or just in a bad mood that goes on and on...

* Everything hereafter is directed towards both sexes. Therefore, for the sake of economy, only the male form will be used - biased of course by the gender of the main author. This choice does not express in any respect, that the male is superior to the female in any way.

"It is all in the head"

Since the main psychological processes discovered by scientific research became common knowledge, people regard most of their troubles as stemming from their mind: their obsessive thoughts, the unacceptable emotions, the bad feelings and moods, the various urges and desires, the psychosomatic ailments... and every thing that makes us feel guilty. All these and more, are regarded as the result of fast and unconscious processes occurring in the head incessantly. These days, even cancer is regarded as a psychosomatic malady and psychological factors are said to be an essential part of the cure.

Actually, all the important functions of the mind and body, all that we do and feel and nearly all that happens to us, is the result of the working of programs of the mind. Just as the focusing on the feedback of the measuring instruments of the "biofeedback training" enables one to change physiological functions like "brain waves" and electrical conductivity of the skin - so can the focusing on the sensations of the body change the programs of the head which are involved with them.

That is the why the general sensate focusing technique will enable you to change anything which is dependant on you or your mind.


 


So What?

The technique was developed for people who are no longer willing to relate to their emotions like the weather, about which one speaks about it but does nothing at all to change. The technique (and the book too) is intended for these who are dissatisfied with the quality of their lives and the accepted ways of changing it (or getting reconciled to it). Therefore, I sought for a better way to manage the human emotional life. I looked for a technique or a certain practice which would enable one to organize the variety of one's sensations and emotions in a systematic and comfortable way.

I searched for something more effective than the archaic techniques developed in the Far East throughout history. I looked for something more available than the various kinds of psychotherapy known at that time* had to offer.

*Only while working on the English version of the booklet did we find the enlightening book of Professor Eugene T. Gendlin - Focusing, Bantam Books, New York, (revised edition) 1981; and established connections with The Focusing Institute, Inc. of Chicago, Il., U.S.A.

Eugene Gendlin and his group have found, after meticulous research, that the gains achieved during psychotherapy are restricted to certain kinds of patients. They have found that these patients spontaneously focus on their felt sensations during their psychotherapy.

They have also found that people can be taught the focusing procedures - in and out of psychotherapy settings. They concluded that the focusing by itself, even without the help of a professional therapist, guide or coach, can solve people's psychological problems.

I sought something more natural than the use of chemicals (Alcohol, Drugs, Tranquilizers, "Sedatives" etc.), so common in Western culture. I was looking for something suitable for every one. Something that anyone could do in parallel with other activities, as a part of daily life. I searched during the eighties (mainly 1985 to 1990) - and found - something suitable for the "Healthy" and not harmful for those who are "Unhealthy". Something that can also be done without a guide, a coach or a therapist. The technique was developed in parallel to studies and research in the emotional field which culminated in a Ph.D. Most of the development of the technique was carried out with about two hundreds people - most of whom were between the ages of twenty to forty. It was carried out during semi- structured sessions and was characterized by informal relations.

After seven years of training with the new technique, it was found that previous participants continued to practice their acquired proficiency in focusing after the cessation of the weekly meetings. However, most of the veterans do it less intensively unless in deep trouble.

The contribution of those who took part in the development of the technique was not restricted to being passive subjects. Many of them searched for short cuts and new tactics. Some of them even tried to teach others how to use the technique. The names of those who helped to develop the technique and in the authoring of this book, as well as those who helped with the booklet will not be mentioned individually. The acknowledgment of their precious part is represented in the title of the booklet by the word "associates".

After locating new ways to manage the emotional and sensual part of life, it seemed suitable to share it with others. It was first published as a non-commercial booklet of the "do it yourself type" (1989). Then, the essential parts of it appeared in a daily newspaper. In both (as well as here), the readers were invited to try the new technique and to contact me for clarifications and feedback - and indeed, many of them did so.

You are here offered a book - for reading and application - which is a revised and advanced version of the first Hebrew edition of summer, 1989. In spite of the improvements, this edition too is designated only for those who are not very choosy, and for those who can be shown the preliminary results - even when only half the work is done...

The publishing of this book has two main goals. The first and most important is to enable you to change your emotional climate. If your application of the new technique does not solve all your problems, at least it will change the way you look at them. The second - and only slightly less important goal, is to enable you to take part in the development of this technique, in the improvement of its presentation and in the enlargement of the circle of its users.

next: For Whom the Following Chapters Are Intended and For Whom They Are Not

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 1). Sensate Focusing Prologue, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 18 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/sensate-focusing/sensate-focusing-prologue

Last Updated: November 22, 2016