A Story of Bipolar Denial

This story of bipolar denial begins as all stories begin – with me thinking I was the Duchess of Windsor and seventy crates of sardines I'd forgotten I'd ordered showing up at my door. Obviously, something was wrong. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was denying bipolar disorder.

Denying the Signs of Bipolar

I could see the warning signs but did I pay attention? You guessed it. No, no I didn't. I like to pictorially describe my experiences with bipolar 1 as being tied to a railroad track. The tracks start shaking like Mexican jumping beans experiencing hypothermia; you see the incoming lights of the rushing train and there's nothing you can do about it. Bipolar is vicious and it'll rip you apart. Then when you think the storm is over, it'll give your soul an atomic wedgie.

Years of Bipolar Denial

I didn't always know this. For years I was in denial. I wasn't crazy. They were crazy. The paranoid delusions weren't delusions. They existed to protect me. The government really was conspiring against me. Surveillance cameras really were spying on me. People really were poisoning my food. The mood swings weren't that bad. Come on, lighten up. As I look back, I see this with sadness. Denial was my coping mechanism. It was the center of limited information I was acting on at the time. But why? Why would someone with so severe an illness not accept it?

According to Julie Fast, who's probably the internet's foremost expert on bipolar disorder, denial can be seen as a fear of the future. Dealing with something devastating in the present moment can seem like several lifetimes. Factor in the average lifespan, we're living longer as technology progresses, and it seems like a nightmare; decades more of dealing with these demons, each and every day a gamble. If that's not bad enough, denial is compounded by mania. Julie says, as many have said, mania feels fantastic. Mania tells you you're cured. You don't need the meds. Chuck them in the wastebasket.

Fight Denial of Bipolar – Get Help

The statistics are even scarier. Bipolar doesn't do things lightly. Bipolar goes all the way. According to website Bipolar Happens by Julie Fast, 50% of people with bipolar refuse to get help. And 50% have struggles with alcohol and drugs. Not to mention the myriad problems with communication, interpersonal relationships, self-esteem, and work. That's why help is crucial. But, as cheesy as it sounds, it does get better. This is the reason I'm writing this blog entry. I'm living proof that it does. I won't go Buddha or Tony Robbins on you, but I have to stress: be honest. Accept help. Asking for help is not a weakness, it's the beginning of rebuilding your life. Be sure to get a proper diagnosis, too. And educate yourself. Read everything you can find on bipolar. When you're armed with knowledge, nothing can stop you.

Lastly, forgive yourself. Don't live in regret. If I can make it, so can you. You'll make it. I know you will. Hang in there, tiger, and love yourself.

This post was written by:

Ridge Hardy has lived with Bipolar 1 for 10 years. Find Ridge Hardy on Twitter.

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Image by mpclemens.