Admitting I had a problem was my first step to bulimia recovery. With time, wisdom, and experience, I’ve come to terms with my diagnosis and accepted that bulimia did not define me. My acceptance of the diagnosis was a starting point, a breath of fresh air, much like walking out of a room in college when you decide this party’s over, I’m heading home. As uncomfortable as that experience was, being diagnosed, for me, felt like coming home.

Warning: This specific article is graphic and may be triggering.) My bulimia was a pallet of colors. As dreamy as that could sound, this wasn’t as innocent as a coloring book, rather colors were my guide.

My name is Patricia. A few months shy of my 32nd birthday, I’m approaching the fifth year anniversary of my eating disorder recovery. While I consider myself recovered from bulimia, this milestone has been occupying my thoughts in recent months. One recurring theme involves asking myself what does it actually mean to be “in recovery” from bulimia and when do you actually become “recovered”?

One thing I didn’t address in my last post about what you can learn from eating disorder relapse was coping skills.  Honestly, I started to, but coping skills really deserve a post all their own. When I was crafting my eating disorder recovery plan last summer, I had literally a two-page list of coping skills to use when I felt like I wanted to use eating disorder or self-harm urges. Awesome, right? Well, sort of.  Having a two or three or ten page list of coping skills isn’t going to do anything for your eating disorder recovery unless you’re actually using them.

Facing an eating disorder relapse, I’m settling into my first full day of inpatient eating disorder treatment. So in case my beating around the bush in previous posts didn’t make it clear: I’ve relapsed back into my eating disorder. I wish I could say this was uncommon. It’s not – estimates for relapse in the first year after eating disorder treatment are nearly 50%. I’ve been bouncing in and out of treatment for three years now; I have met women who have been doing so for ten years or more. And while I could go into a long diatribe about how the eating disorder relapse rate might be lower if insurance companies covered treatment earlier in the disorder (oh wait – I’ve already done that), instead I want you to consider something. Maybe a little relapse can be good for your eating disorder recovery.

Writing an eating disorder blog, I walk a fine line. This is not my personal blog for me to whine and complain about everything that is going tough for me in recovery, and certainly not the place for me to discuss my weight, BMI, or specific behaviors.  At the same time, this blog was never meant to read like a peer-reviewed journal article, sterile and clinical. There are plenty of resources out there written by professionals - which I am not - that can tell you all about the ins and outs of symptoms of eating disorders, their treatment, their recovery. In fact, there is a lot of great information in HealthyPlace's own Eating Disorder Community section. So today, you just get a personal entry. Where I am in recovery. What I'm struggling with. What the next few weeks will bring for me.

As I mentioned in my post during National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, over half of eating disorders in the United States are diagnosed as "Eating Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified" or ED-NOS. It's a tricky thing to pin down, ED-NOS is. The manifestation of this eating disorder is as varied as its many sufferers and carries a stigma and set of problems all its own. So if I'm diagnosed with ED-NOS - what the heck does that even mean? What does it mean for my recovery? What does it mean for my access to eating disorder treatment?

One of the most frustrating things about having an eating disorder and attempting recovery is dealing with insurance companies. To be honest, I know of very few people who have had a truly positive experience with their insurance companies. This goes for all levels of eating disorder treatment: outpatient, partial hospitalization, residential, and inpatient. If you're lucky, your eating disorder treatment team will fight for you to get the insurance coverage you need. If you're not lucky, you may be doing it on your own. While I might one day do an article later about how to deal with your insurance company and fight for the eating disorder treatment you need, today is not that day. Today's post is borne out of pure frustration. Why Won't Insurance Companies Pay For Eating Disorder Treatment? Open Letter to Insurance Companies

Even considering to seek inpatient treatment for your eating disorder is a big step. On the whole, we don't like to admit how bad things have gotten. Considering inpatient or residential treatment means that you have to recognize that your behaviors, your thoughts, your eating disorder is out of control. It's nearly inconceivable at some points to think this - after all, isn't your eating disorder what gives you control? Why would we seek inpatient treatment for the eating disorder?

Yeah, okay. It's National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. What's there to be "aware" of? We all know that eating disorders are for vain, pretentious teenage girls. It's just a stage. They'll get over it. And it's not like being "too thin" is going to kill you. That's what everyone believes, right? Everybody has heard of eating disorders at this point, so why are we taking a week to specifically "make people aware"?