For the past few years, I've decided to prioritize my mental health and not visit my family over the holidays. It's a decision not everyone may understand. Aren't the holidays about spending time with your loved ones? I do love my family, but the most loving thing I can do for myself is to take quiet time alone to rest and relax. Time with my parents and sister is often stressful and triggering for me. I've decided that my mental health is more important than anything else.

Time Alone Will Give Me Mental Health for Christmas

I know that it would make my parents and sister happy if I agreed to visit them over the holidays, but I also know that my mental health would suffer. Visits with them can take days or weeks for me to recover from. I always leave feeling drained and sad. Why would I want to do that to myself?

When I'm in their company, I feel like I have to play the role of a daughter, sister, and aunt who's happy and stable, when I'm actually living my life in a state of controlled chaos. I have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and complex posttraumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD), and both conditions have made it difficult for me to have much stability in my life. I'm more stable than I used to be, but I still struggle to hold down a job and manage my mental health. 

Some might think that one of the ways to increase the level of stability in my life would be to spend more time with my family. Their lives have been more stable than mine -- they have long-term jobs and haven't moved nearly as often as I have -- but that doesn't mean that spending more time with them would make me any more stable. As much as I love them, I find that I'm the most stable when I keep my distance.

Spending Time Alone at Christmas Will Boost My Mental Health

I feel most at peace when I'm alone. I'm an introvert at heart. What I most want this Christmas is to have the time and space to meditate, write, and go for a walk. I may see friends for lunch during the holidays; I may not. No matter what, Christmas Day will be a day I spend enjoying my own company in peace. I know it will do wonders for my mental health.

The holiday season can bring feelings of community and love, but for many estranged verbal abuse victims like myself, it's a reminder that there are family members who are no longer part of their lives. Avoiding a verbally abusive situation benefits the individual but can also bring emotions of loneliness and exile with estrangement. 

Estrangement Brings Guilt for Abuse Victims

Choosing to preserve your mental health is a necessity. However, it can bring a great deal of guilt, especially when others on the outside don't understand the entire situation. Some individuals may even criticize your decision to avoid being the subject of further abuse. 

Some common ways people will bring guilt to an estranged verbal abuse victim include saying things like: 

• You only have one mother, father, brother, sister, etc.
• You will regret not having a relationship once they're gone.
• Family is the most important thing, and you should do everything to preserve that relationship.
• Blood is thicker than water.

While many of these statements are correct in healthy relationships, they are not applicable in unhealthy verbal abusive circumstances. Unfortunately, I've faced multiple instances where someone has tried to coerce me into maintaining an unhealthy relationship with my abusers. Although these individuals may think they have my best interests at heart, they cannot fully understand how these pleas bring feelings of guilt for trying to give myself a safe space. 

Estranged Abuse Victims Deserve Healthy Relationships

Everyone deserves to have happy, healthy relationships. But unfortunately, not everyone will have that from their parents, siblings, or other family members. It takes effort and strength to realize when a relationship is unhealthy and break free for a better life. 

It took me many years to believe that I deserved to be treated in a way that wasn't verbally abusive. Then, I had to slowly adjust my mindset from what I was missing to what I should look for in others. 

No one should try to guilt you into maintaining an abusive relationship, regardless of how they are connected to you biologically. Instead, you have every right to seek out healthy connections with people who understand and support you. Once I realized this, I began to surround myself with my new family, friends, and loved ones who cared for me and wanted what was best for my life. 

And on days when I regress and feel guilty about my choices, I remember to look at those who love and support me now. I have my circle of people there for me and fill the roles of those no longer in my life. And I hope that you can also find your healthy connections even after suffering verbal abuse. 

While it shouldn't be the only tool in your recovery toolbox, distraction can play a vital role in healing from self-harm. One option is to use games to distract you from self-harm urges.

I've Used Games to Distract Myself from Self-Harm Urges

Over the years, I've made no secret of my love of video games. I think they can be powerful tools for healing, and in my own experience, video games can be excellent distractions from self-harm urges.

For one thing, games keep you busy on a physical level. Simply put, if you're gripping a video game controller with both hands, you have no hands left to pick up something with which to hurt yourself. Even if you don't use your hands for the game, the fact is all games involve some level of physical interaction. That interactivity is what makes them games—and what makes them so effectively distracting.

Games keep your mind occupied, too. For me, it's all about diving into a narrative and a world that immerses me. If I'm busy fighting bad guys and getting to know my virtual companions, then I'm focused on that and not on the things that hurt me and make me want to hurt myself—and that's a good thing. Sometimes you need to create mental and emotional distance between yourself and an issue before you can face it head-on and deal with it. Games give you a safe way to do that.

Games can also be an ideal way to get some socializing done without feeling the pressure of a situation solely focused on its social aspects. For example, you might clam up at parties but find it easy to slip into various (more talkative) personas alongside fellow Dungeons and Dragons players. Similarly, small talk might be torture, but you could talk for hours about your favorite title in the Final Fantasy franchise. Or, maybe you just find it easier to chat over a handful of poker cards.

Keep This in Mind When Using Games as a Distraction from Self-Harm

Note that while I find games an effective distraction from self-harm urges, you might not—and that's okay. No two people experience self-harm, or healing, in the same way. This is but one option in a sea of possibilities—other techniques might work better for you if this one does not.

Also, even if games do work for you as an effective distraction, know that you will need more than distractions to get (and stay) clean from self-harm. Do not rely solely on games to make everything all better all the time, or you'll run the risk of turning this potential solution into another problem to be solved. Distractions can be helpful and healthy in moderate amounts, but they become just the opposite when you start doing nothing but distract yourself and avoid facing your issues altogether.

In short—permit yourself to escape into games from time to time, but make sure you spend just as much time (or more) outside of those games as well.

Do you have trouble getting out of bed and sometimes end up staying in bed all day? You're not alone. People with mental illness, those experiencing depression in particular, often have this problem. But no one wants to stay in bed all day. It doesn't help anyone, it doesn't shorten one's overwhelming to-do list, and it doesn't help you feel better, either. So, let's look at techniques to ensure you don't stay in bed all day.

1. Understand Why You Want to Stay in Bed All Day

There are many reasons why when you wake up, you might feel compelled to stay in bed all day. It could be that you're tired due to insomnia. It could be that you don't want to face something unpleasant in your life. It could be that you're exhausted due to the mental illness itself (or its treatment). It could be something else entirely. Any of these things are okay, but try to get a handle on which one or ones with which you are dealing.

2. Give Yourself a Break When You Want to Stay in Bed All Day

It can feel like you should beat yourself up for feeling like you want to stay in bed all day. I would highly recommend against this. By beating yourself up, you're just going to feel worse, and that will actually increase the likelihood that you will stay in bed all day. I would suggest saying something like this to yourself, "I understand that I don't want to get out of bed. This is normal for me. There are legitimate reasons why I feel that way. Feeling that way is not my fault, and I can deal with it."

3. Don't Give Yourself the Option of Staying in Bed All Day

Try not to think about staying in bed all day as an option. The question is not, "Will I or won't I stay in bed?" the question is actually, "How will I get out of bed.?"

4. Get Out of Bed First Thing Without Thinking About It

Don't hit the snooze button; don't laze about under the covers. As soon as your eyes are open, pull back the covers and sit up. That will make it far more likely that you'll make it out of bed. 

5. Don't Give Up on Getting Out of Bed

If you can't get out of bed first thing in the morning, don't give up. It's tempting to say, "oh, well, if I'm not up by now, I'm not going to get up." But this isn't true. Every new minute is a new opportunity for you to get out of bed. And remind yourself why you want to get out of bed in the first place (coffee comes to mind).

6. Stay Out of the Bedroom to Stay Out of Bed All Day

If you know that you tend to stay in bed all day, stay out of the bedroom and away from temptation. It's better to even lie down on the couch than the bed if you associate the bed with not getting anything done all day.

7. Deal with Why You Want to Stay in Bed All Day

Staying in bed all day is a coping skill. You're doing it to cope with something (as I discussed in number one, above). But staying in bed all day would likely be considered a negative coping skill. In other words, yes, it helps you cope with something, but it's harmful in the way it does it. So, when you do get up out of bed, seek out a new coping skill to handle what you've been trying to avoid or deal with. Consider seeing a psychotherapist, a psychiatrist, a sleep specialist, or whoever can help you with the issue.

8. Reward Yourself for Not Staying in Bed All Day

And if staying in bed all day is really an issue for you, try to reward yourself when you don't do it. Reward yourself when you manage to get up a few minutes earlier. These are big goals and big achievements for some people, so don't just gloss over them.

9. If You Do Stay in Bed All Day, Don't Beat Yourself Up

And if worst comes to worst and you don't make it out of bed one day, that's okay. These things happen. Beating yourself up about it is not going to help you. No one wins every battle. Tomorrow is another opportunity to try again.

Navigating my life with you, my reader has been a privilege; however, this post will be my last. Anyone following my blog knows that my life has been anything but stable. It’s funny; I started writing here to help the borderline personality disorder (BPD) community by sharing my past experiences. I ended up sharing the challenges I was currently facing.

My Experience as the Author of 'More than Borderline'

When I started writing for More than Borderline, I was almost at the end of a long fight for residency in Denmark, and now, after seven years, I have fallen just short of my goal. Seven years is a long time to fight for something without achieving it. As heartbreaking as that sounds, I am at peace with it. And I attribute that peace largely to you, my reader.

One of the challenges of writing short-form, blog-type content is the pressure to quickly wrap my sometimes debilitatingly emotional stories in a pretty little bow. I do my best to share my honest experience but also leave you with something positive—even if I feel hopeless myself.

Capturing my experiences for an audience such as yourself has forced me to find a shimmer of light in a storm where I otherwise wouldn’t bother. Because even though I may feel devastatingly victimized, I refuse to let that be the end of the story for you, my beautiful reader.

We Are All More Than Borderline

I went into this blog believing I would help others who related to BPD and ended up feeling stuck in the thick of it. There's nothing like going through it to give me perspective on living with BPD. If writing for More than Borderline has taught me anything, it is that hardships will always come, but there is always someone to be strong for.

I believe trauma is often a repercussion of eating disorder treatment. Of course, clinical interventions are helpful, beneficial, and even crucial parts of healing, but they can still be traumatic nonetheless. This might sound like an oxymoron, so let me explain the possible trauma of treatment.

What I Mean By the Trauma of Treatment

In recent years, I've found it heartening to watch the societal conversation around mental illness become more normalized. Efforts to combat stigma must continue, but I am encouraged by the momentum of brave, outspoken advocates who raise awareness and stir compassion for those who live with mental illness. This shift toward inclusive rhetoric and honest discourse empowers me to share my own past suffering with anorexia.

I am vocal about that period of my life because I want others in a similar circumstance to see glimmers of hope in the midst of their own affliction. But there’s one aspect of eating disorder recovery I cannot seem to articulate: the trauma of treatment. 

I recognize, without access to both outpatient therapy and residential treatment, I might not be alive. It’s no hyperbole—mental health care saved me. I am immensely grateful for the team of clinicians who were committed to my healing at each milestone in the process, but recovery is complicated. It can leave enduring emotional scars, which are difficult to make sense of. In my experience, treating a mental illness feels nearly as traumatic as the condition itself. 

How the Trauma of Treatment Can Manifest

This past weekend, as I browsed my local Target for seasonal decorations, a book in the store’s literary aisle caught my attention. It was called Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of a Life Interrupted. I snatched it off the shelf, turned it over to locate the summary, and within seconds, knew that I would not be leaving without this book.

I read it from start to finish in less than 24 hours, resonating with the author’s experience in more ways than I bargained for. In this book, a New York Times columnist named Suleika Jaouad chronicles her battle with bone marrow cancer as a young woman, followed by the intensive and harrowing journey to reclaim her sense of identity in the aftermath of a traumatic, long-term illness. Her story is raw, soulful, vulnerable, honest, and surprisingly relatable. 

To be clear, I am not comparing anorexia to cancer. I realize there are stark differences between these two conditions—the most obvious being that I could choose to heal from anorexia at any point in time, whereas someone with cancer does not share this privilege. But I, too, have stared mortality in the face. I connect with the shame of feeling like a scary, repulsive diagnosis or an ominous list of symptoms rather than a human being. I know the pain of others' silence or withdrawal because they're not sure how to interact with the sick person wearing a hospital bracelet. I understand what it means to scrape and claw through an uncertain tunnel back to health, desperate to recover but terrified of whatever new reality exists on the other side. 

That is the bizarre duality of wrestling with a serious chronic illness—whether its ramifications are physical, mental, or both. While medical or psychiatric care is vital (and, in many cases, life-saving), the process is also traumatic. So to borrow inspiration from Suleika Jaouad’s memoir, I want to discuss this facet of healing, which I am only now starting to wrap my brain around. I will unpack the trauma of my own treatment in the video below. 

Putting the Trauma of Treatment Into Words

Can you relate to the trauma of treatment—be it for an eating disorder or another chronic illness? Is it hard for you to articulate or even understand this part of recovery? Do you bear invisible battle wounds from the experience that others cannot see? If you are comfortable sharing, I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section.    

Paranoid schizophrenia affects my diet. I have a complicated relationship with food, and thinking something looks good or sounds good is not enough to get me to try it. The reasons are that my most persistent symptom besides anxiety is paranoia and my paranoia frequently involves food.

Paranoid Schizophrenia Controls My Diet

Paranoid schizophrenia controls what I eat, and that includes very little variety. I'm not the woman to try all your new recipes on. I wish I were. When I go to a restaurant with my husband and taste a flavor that I'm not expecting or familiar with, I often won't eat the meal. My first thought is that the food is bad and likely to cause me to become ill from food poisoning, or I think someone intentionally poisoned it. I know that these thoughts are part of my illness and are unlikely to be accurate, but knowing that doesn't reduce the fear. Sometimes my husband can take a bite of the food and tell me it tastes okay, and that will be enough reassurance to allow me to overcome the paranoia. Still, at other times, nothing works, and we take the meal home, or my husband gives me what he ordered, and I eat that instead. 

To keep me from becoming awash in paranoid feelings, I have a list of foods and dishes I'm the most comfortable eating, and I eat them (switching them up occasionally) almost daily. I know that having this symptom involving food makes it seem like I would be thin, but because of the side effects (weight gain being one) of antipsychotic medication and my age, I'm of average size. I don't eat a variety of foods, but I eat enough to keep my body mass index (BMI) within the normal range. (Also, I'm a big fan of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.)

I Want to Expand My Diet Despite My Paranoid Schizophrenia

In a guided journal that claims to improve mental health that I use daily, I read a passage recently about trying new things to spark creativity and form new pathways in the brain. I don't know if it works, but I would love to challenge myself in many areas to get out of my comfort zone and have new experiences.

I think being too set in my routines (which I am) causes my world to get smaller and smaller. There are so many things that I would love to do but that I'm afraid to try. I wonder if adding one new food a week to my standard choices would help me open the door to doing more adventurous and exciting things. I don't know, but it's worth a try. Maybe, I'll add some of the cranberry jam my husband made this week, and then perhaps I'll take on bigger and more complex things.

How does paranoia or another symptom of schizophrenia affect your diet?

The holiday season seems to put pressure on indulging in big meals and celebrating with people you haven't seen in a while. These holiday traditions also disrupt one's routine, which is helpful to have in recovery. The pressure and disruption of the holiday season can cause elevated stress and discomfort around food, especially if you are in binge eating disorder (BED) recovery. 

My Experience with Binge Eating Disorder Recovery and the Holidays

Recently, while driving to visit my family and celebrate Thanksgiving, I decided to try a new strategy to help keep my focus on the people I care about instead of fixating on food. I decided to pick a one-word intention to hold onto throughout the weekend as a reminder of how I want to feel. The word I picked was "savor" to remind myself to slow down, relax, savor my food, and savor the time with my family.

I experienced successes and struggles during my Thanksgiving weekend. I successfully remembered my one-word intention several times, and that helped me focus more on what was going on around me. I still struggled with feelings of guilt after eating too much, and I wore an outfit that felt uncomfortable and tight for the sake of fashion. Overall, I felt more connected to feelings of gratitude and growth this year.

Even though Thanksgiving has passed, more holidays are coming up, and I'm going to stay alert to the stress this can cause during eating disorder recovery.

Tips for Holidays During Binge Eating Recovery

The way I define recovery isn't dependent on the absence of struggling with thoughts and behaviors around food. I focus on my ability to recognize what is going on and redirect myself accordingly.

As we navigate the holidays, these are the strategies I use to be present with what is happening around me, especially during gatherings where food is involved.

• Step away to recalibrate -- I try to remember to step outside when I'm drawn into feelings of guilt about eating too much. The fresh air, or the quiet of a room without other people, helps me refocus on what is important. 
• Redirect attention -- If I sense I am lost in thoughts about food, I try to engage someone in conversation, get a game started, or maybe go for a walk with a group of people. I redirect my attention when I notice I am thinking about food.
• Wear comfortable clothing -- I wear something that is comfortable and makes me feel at ease. When I am full of food, the sensation of tight clothing makes it difficult to relax and be attentive to the people around me.
• Remind yourself why you are celebrating -- I think about my big-picture reason for practicing the traditions of this time of year. I try to remember I am celebrating being alive and having the means even to afford food.

I hope you stay alert and compassionate toward yourself during this time of year. Whatever this season brings up for you in your recovery process, keep in mind that we learn as much from our failures as we do our successes. Take good care, and if you're inspired, please leave a comment about your experiences this holiday season.

At this time of the year, I usually look forward to the holidays. But there are some years when my holiday spirit seems nonexistent. So far this holiday season, my anxiety and depression have been getting worse. Here are some ways I noticed that I am struggling with my mental health and what I plan on doing about it this month.

3 Signs I Struggle with Holiday Anxiety and Depression

1. In the morning, I dread being around people. My anxiety is at its highest when I anticipate what the day will bring. Working in retail around the holidays is stressful. I picture the checkout line going out the door and customers yelling at the employees for not having certain items. While some of the days are hard, they are rarely as difficult as I think they will be. Some days, a lot of customers are pleasant. It's mostly the anticipation that stresses me out.
2. I sleep a lot during the day. Sleeping feels good until I realize that half of my day is gone. Some days, I plan on going to the gym, writing an article, and playing with my dogs. When I don't do any of those things, it is because I sleep too much. Sometimes sleeping is warranted by exhaustion after work. But when it happens for prolonged periods, it makes it difficult to enjoy my life. Thus, it makes my depression worse.
3. I count down the days until the holidays are over. While many people count down the days until Christmas, I count down the days until they are over. When this happens, I feel guilty because I don't want to ruin anyone else's holiday spirit. So while they enjoy Christmas caroling, I isolate myself in my room and fall asleep.

4 Things I Will Do to Take Care of Myself This Month

1. I will set simple goals. Part of the reason I dread the holiday season is that I have too much time to think about what could go wrong. By setting goals, I will spend more time focusing on what to accomplish this month. For instance, I would like to work out, publish stories, and hang out with loved ones three times per week. I am already looking forward to working toward these goals.
2. I will journal every day. One of the best things about journaling is that it helps me process and solve my issues. By doing it every day, I will see patterns for my triggers and behaviors. I will spend at least 15 minutes journaling every day. I will include positive experiences and moments of gratitude. I will also write about a positive holiday memory.
3. I will attend therapy sessions every week. I recently started seeing a new therapist. So far, she has been very kind and helpful. She validates my feelings while helping me see things from different perspectives. She helps me set and keep realistic goals. Talking to her every week will help me learn how to manage anxiety and depression symptoms better.
4. I will meditate with autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR) stimuli. When I am stressed out, I enjoy listening to ASMR sounds. Different sounds and triggers stimulate emotions like relaxation and pleasure. Calming sounds like ocean waves and whispers relax me. My favorite ASMR audio includes positive affirmations, as they reduce both anxiety and depression. I will make an ASMR playlist specifically for holiday anxiety and listen to it for at least half an hour every day.

I know how important authentic feelings are to recognize. I'm feeling a little blue. Sorrier words have never inaugurated a blog post, I'm sure, but I'm not here to impress you, I'm here to be authentic, to share authentic feelings. What's authentic right now is that it's just one of those days. 

In a past life—say, my life between ages 17 and 26—I would've really fretted about this. I would've moaned and sobbed. I would've called each one of my friends and family members, in turn, to announce that woe was me. I likely would've rounded this circus off with a panic attack and then, perhaps, a self-sabotaging binge. I might even have self-harmed to punctuate my punishment. These days I just shrug and throw my hands up. C'est la vie. 

Authenticity in Your Feelings Allows for Pain and Pleasantry

I am not trying to demean my former angst or anyone else's, truly. The bloated sadness I used to feel was absolutely authentic; I couldn't seem to escape it, no matter how hard I twisted against it. This was the problem, though, the twisting against it. Any tiny dent into my frail mental health would send me tumbling. I'd worry a pebble until it became a mountain. I thought any amount of unhappiness was worth reacting to. 

What I know now is that unhappiness is a necessary component of happiness. Like anything else, a high-quality life is a wave. A pulse. The world is made of on and off, there and not, black and white, light and dark. We aren't built to feel constantly euphoric any more than a stomach is built to be constantly stuffed or the fields constantly lit up with sunshine. Feeling unmotivated, sad, or whatever isn't a sign of lack. It's a sign of good health. 

Stoicism in Action

So these days, when I reach a point that I may previously have labeled "of no return," I let myself rest there. Not only do I know that the ebbs of my life make way for its flow, but I also know that a return to flow is inevitable. Just as we can't feel pure bliss indefinitely, we can't feel pure dejection indefinitely, either. Life goes on, and the wave keeps rolling. Hold on tight and ride it.