Never underestimate the power or influence of the words you speak to yourself and to others. What kind of an influence do you choose to be?

Larry James

Larry James acknowledges the responsibility of a speaker to practice what he teaches; inspiring others by example. Larry's message, whether seminar or keynote, places a strong emphasis on personal development in the area of personal and business relationships.

He speaks from the heart. He will challenge you and inspire you to positive action. Larry James is committed to helping others be the best they can be.

You will be proud to have Larry James speak to your group. Larry James is an example of what he speaks about. Over the course of the past two decades, Larry James has been presenting information-packed, inspiring CelebrateLove.com seminars and keynotes to corporations, associations, churches and organizations.

He is recognized as a leading authority on the subject of creating and sustaining personal and business relationships as well as business networking. He has written three books on personal relationship and one business book to assist in that process.

Each program listed below can be presented as a seminar or a keynote.

Topics. . .

(For detailed information, click on the topic title.)

• "Relationship Enrichment LoveShop" - Larry's most popular presentation is adapted from his books, "How to Really Love the One You're With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship" and "LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing."

  Presented as a seminar, it is an interactive program designed to help you fit the pieces of the relationship puzzle together in a healthy way. It is an inspirational gathering of people interested in transforming their present relationships into extraordinary love relationships!

• "Making Relationships Work; Personally and Professionally" - This program is especially for businesses and networking professionals. It is adapted from Larry's first book, "The First Book of LifeSkills."

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• The 10 "Commitments" of Networking - Networking is about building supportive personal and business relationships; it's consistently meeting new people and making new friends, sharing ideas and having lots of fun in the process! Larry stresses the ten things that you MUST do to be an effective networker.

• Networking: Making the Right Connections - Larry's most popular seminar for business professionals. With the emphasis on personal development and career management, Larry clearly defines his unique version of networking and how to work the system for maximum benefits.

References:

Business Leaders Speak About Larry James

Church Leaders Speak About Larry James

It may not be a good idea to hire a speaker who claims to talk about any topic you throw at them. This is the age of specialization. Hire a specialist. Larry James knows relationships; both personal and business relationships.

Larry James has been a full-time professional speaker since 1987. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and subscribes to its strict code of ethics.

Meeting planners love him. Your group will love him too.

We promise to do everything we can to assist you in making your meeting a GREAT success! We believe when you hire a speaker you create a partnership. As partners, we pledge to work with you.

What would it take to win your business?

Knowledge? Experience? Creativity? Service? Results?

Larry James has what it takes!

Include Larry in your network. Invite him to your next meeting and stand by for results!

Speaker Referral Service - If you are looking for someone to speak on a subject other than the topics listed above. . . give us a call. Larry is a member of the National Speakers Association, has many friends who are speakers and will be happy to refer you to speakers who speak on other topics.

next: Making Relationships Work: Personally and Professionally

Speak One-on-One with Larry James

Larry also does personal relationship coaching for high functioning singles and married couples; people who are committed to "doing" whatever it takes to make their relationships work. Mature people know their relationships can always be better. A healthier love relationship is the goal.

If you are experiencing situations in your relationship that prevent the full expression of love for your partner, you are invited to arrange for a personal relationship coaching session by telephone with Larry James. You can count on him to offer the support you need for those everyday problems that inevitability occur in relationships.

During his nearly three year tenure as host of the "Mars & Venus Chat Room" on America Online, Dr. John Gray, Ph.D. personally directed Larry to answer the hundreds of relationship questions that were sent to Dr. Gray by e-mail. Although Larry is not a therapist, he has assisted singles and couples with answers to more than 5,000 relationship questions for Dr. Gray under his own name.

Larry's relationship books are reviewed prior to publication for authenticity, accuracy and content by a team of professional therapists and counselors. . .

• Dr. Larry Losoncy, Ph.D. (Tulsa), a family therapist
• Patty Kellogg, M.A. (Vancouver), a private practice counselor
• Michael Najarian, M.A. (Phoenix), counselor and close associate of Dr. John Gray, Ph.D.

Many therapists and ministers have endorsed Larry's work in the relationship area by encouraging their clients/parishioners to read his relationship books, specifically "How to Really Love the One You're With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship."

Here are only a handful of the "Thank Yous" Larry has received from people whose hearts have been touched by his personal relationship coaching.

• Thank you for being there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. You were so compassionate and understanding that it made me cry. I realized I definitely had a serious problem to deal with, and you helped me to realize that. Since then I have been making a conscious effort to find ways to develop a healthy relationship between my husband and myself.
• Thank you so much for your quick reply. You helped me through a particularly difficult day!

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• Thank you for your guidance. Your advice has shown me a side that I never acknowledged. It means changing my outlook on life (for the better) through a process of self-reflection. I do realize that this is important for a healthier attitude towards myself and towards others. It will take time. I did live in the shadow of the relationship, and the sacrifice was my own self-esteem.
• Thank you so very much for your kind communications with me last night and today. Your suggestions and comments are thought-provoking and insightful. I counsel with many people about their situations, but when it comes to my own, I seem to lose objectivity and need guidance myself!
• Thank you for your advice. You're right. It was not the answer I wanted to hear, however it was the answer I needed to know!
• It is really amazing how we are communicating more and better. I couldn't imagine how good our relationship could be. We are both learning to be especially honest about what we want and need from one another. I don't feel guilty or selfish anymore when I make my requests known. It feels great!!! We are "Celebrating Love!" I thank God for people like you who have seen the need through your experiences to help people and their relationships to succeed. You have made a difference in our lives and for that we will be forever grateful.
• THANKS so much for your response! Wow! It contained so much information I will need to read it several times in order to absorb it all! What you say makes sense to me. I am currently in the process of gathering my resources; i.e., God, a counselor, support group, friends and family that I think will be helpful as I attempt (one more time) to end this affair. Thanks so much for being here and having the desire to help others!
• Thanks so much for your response to my question about forgiving (after the) discovery of years of infidelity of my partner. Your words are very inspirational and I will save them to re-read as needed. I am most appreciative.
• When you are in the middle of a very confusing situation, it is sometimes hard to evaluate available options. Thanks for outlining options for me and for giving suggestions. Maybe now I can move forward a bit.
• Thanks so much for the insight and wisdom that you've shared so freely and without restraint at such a critical time in my life. Things have improved greatly in my marriage and I'm looking to God to do a greater miracle in our hearts and our life. When things were so rough I would always ask myself if the point in question would "build up" or "tear down". It was a great tool of direction for me. Your books, advise, chats, and letters that you poured yourself into surely did MUCH to build up my marriage and my self. It also restored hope and respect. It is my hope that we truly do meet someday. Thanks for touching and making a positive change in my life.

Always remember. . .

Relationships are something that must be worked on "ALL THE TIME," not only when they are broken and need to be fixed.

Larry James pulls no punches. He tells it like it is. Please DO NOT CALL if you are only interested in telling your story and fully intend to make no changes. However, if you are ready to listen to reality and make some changes in the way you are being in your relationships, you are encouraged to call.

Larry shares his inspired insight with clarity, style and good taste. He fully acknowledges his responsibility to practice what he teaches; inspiring others by example. Larry James is a gifted teacher; a specialist in matters of the heart.

It is highly recommended that you read the following article prior to calling to arrange for a confidential relationship coaching session by telephone.

And if All Else Fails?

"Larry James speaks from the heart. His words carefully craft a message of hope that inspires couples to work together in a spirit of love and understanding. The powerful effect of his work in the area of relationships can change your life!"

Jack Canfield, Best-selling Co-author
Chicken Soup for the Soul series

Call now to arrange an appointment for personal relationship coaching. One hour and half hour coaching fees are available.

next: Interview with Larry James by Kelly Sagert

When it comes to alternative treatments, alternative remedies, it's like the wild west out there. Here's what you need to know.

Are You Considering Using Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM)?

Contents

• Introduction
• Key Points
• Questions and Answers
• For More Information

Introduction

Decisions about your health care are important--including decisions about whether to use complementary and alternative medicine (CAM). The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) has developed this fact sheet to assist you in your decision-making about CAM. It includes frequently asked questions, issues to consider, and a list of sources for further information.

Key Points

• Take charge of your health by being an informed consumer. Find out what scientific studies have been done on the safety and effectiveness of the CAM treatment in which you are interested.

• Decisions about medical care and treatment should be made in consultation with a health care provider and based on the condition and needs of each person. Discuss information on CAM with your health care provider before making any decisions about treatment or care.

• If you use any CAM therapy, inform your primary health care provider. This is for your safety and so your health care provider can develop a comprehensive treatment plan.

• If you use a CAM therapy provided by a practitioner, such as acupuncture, choose the practitioner with care. Check with your insurer to see if the services will be covered. (To learn more about selecting a CAM practitioner, see our fact sheet, "Selecting a Complementary and Alternative Medicine Practitioner.") Top

Questions and Answers

1. What is complementary and alternative medicine?
2. How can I get reliable information about a CAM therapy?
3. Are CAM therapies safe?
4. How can I determine whether statements made about the effectiveness of a CAM therapy are true?
5. Are there any risks to using CAM treatments?
6. Are CAM therapies tested to see if they work?
7. I am interested in a CAM therapy that involves treatment from a practitioner. How do I go about selecting a practitioner?
8. Can I receive treatment or a referral to a practitioner from NCCAM?
9. Can I participate in CAM research through a clinical trial?

Questions to ask when evaluating Web site information:

Who runs the site? Is it Government, a university, or a reputable medical or health-related association? Is it sponsored by a manufacturer of products, drugs, etc.? It should be easy to identify the sponsor.

What is the purpose of the site? Is it to educate the public or to sell a product? The purpose should be clearly stated.

What is the basis of the information? Is it based on scientific evidence with clear references? Advice and opinions should be clearly set apart from the science. For More Information

1. What is complementary and alternative medicine?

Complementary and alternative medicine (CAM) is a group of diverse medical and health care systems, practices, and products that are not presently considered to be a part of conventional medicine.¹ People use CAM therapies in a variety of ways. CAM therapies used alone are often referred to as "alternative." When used in addition to conventional medicine, they are often referred to as "complementary." The list of what is considered to be CAM changes continually, as those therapies that are proven to be safe and effective become adopted into conventional health care and as new approaches to health care emerge. For more about these terms, see the NCCAM fact sheet "What Is Complementary and Alternative Medicine?"

2. How can I get reliable information about a CAM therapy?

It is important to learn what scientific studies have discovered about the therapy in which you are interested. It is not a good idea to use a CAM therapy simply because of something you have seen in an advertisement or on a Web site or because someone has told you that it worked for them. (See sidebar for some tips on evaluating the information you see on a Web site.) Understanding a treatment's risks, potential benefits, and scientific evidence is critical to your health and safety. Scientific research on many CAM therapies is relatively new, so this kind of information may not be available for every therapy. However, many studies on CAM treatments are under way, including those that NCCAM supports, and our knowledge and understanding of CAM is increasing all the time. Here are some ways to find scientifically based information:

• ---

  
  

  ---

  Talk to your health care practitioner(s). Tell them about the therapy you are considering and ask any questions you may have about safety, effectiveness, or interactions with medications (prescription or non-prescription). They may know about the therapy and be able to advise you on its safety and use. If your practitioner cannot answer your questions, he may be able to refer you to someone who can. Your practitioner may also be able to help you interpret the results of scientific articles you have found.

• Use the Internet to search medical libraries and databases for information. One database called CAM on PubMed (see "For More Information"), developed by NCCAM and the National Library of Medicine, gives citations or abstracts (brief summaries) of the results of scientific studies on CAM. In some cases, it provides links to publishers' Web sites where you may be able to view or obtain the full articles. The articles cited in CAM on PubMed are peer-reviewed--that is, other scientists in the same field have reviewed the article, the data, and the conclusions, and judged them to be accurate and important to the field. Another database, International Bibliographic Information on Dietary Supplements, is useful for searching the scientific literature on dietary supplements (see "For More Information"). If you do not have access to the Internet, contact the NCCAM Clearinghouse (see "For More Information"). The staff is available to discuss your needs with you and assist you in searching the peer-reviewed medical and scientific literature.

• Visit your local library or a medical library to see if there are books or publications that contain scientific articles discussing CAM in general or the treatment in which you are interested. Thousands of articles on health issues and CAM are published in books and scientific journals every year. A reference librarian can help you search for those on the therapy that interests you.

3. Are CAM therapies safe?

Each treatment needs to be considered on its own. However, here are some issues to think about when considering a CAM therapy.

• Many consumers believe that "natural" means the same thing as "safe." This is not necessarily true. For example, think of mushrooms that grow in the wild: some are safe to eat, while others are poisonous.

• Individuals respond differently to treatments. How a person might respond to a CAM treatment depends on many things, including the person's state of health, how the treatment is used, or the person's belief in the treatment.

• For a CAM product that is sold over the counter (without a prescription), such as a dietary supplement,² safety can also depend on a number of things:

  • The components or ingredients that make up the product
  • Where the components or ingredients come from
  • The quality of the manufacturing process (for example, how well the manufacturer is able to avoid contamination

  The manufacturer of a dietary supplement is responsible for ensuring the safety and effectiveness of the product before it is sold. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) cannot require testing of dietary supplements prior to marketing. However, while manufacturers are prohibited from selling dangerous products, the FDA can remove a product from the marketplace if the product is dangerous to the health of Americans. Furthermore, if in the labeling or marketing of a dietary supplement a claim is made that the product can diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent disease, such as "cures cancer," the product is said to be an unapproved new drug and is, therefore, being sold illegally. Such claims must have scientific proof.

• For CAM therapies that are administered by a practitioner, the training, skill, and experience of the practitioner affect safety. However, in spite of careful and skilled practice, all treatments--whether CAM or conventional--can have risks.

4. How can I determine whether statements made about the effectiveness of a CAM therapy are true?

Statements that manufacturers and providers of CAM therapies may make about the effectiveness of a therapy and its other benefits can sound reasonable and promising. However, they may or may not be backed up by scientific evidence. Before you begin using a CAM treatment, it is a good idea to ask the following questions:

• Is there scientific evidence (not just personal stories) to back up the statements? Ask the manufacturer or the practitioner for scientific articles or the results of studies. They should be willing to share this information, if it exists.

• Does the Federal Government have anything to report about the therapy?

  • Visit the FDA online at www.fda.gov to see if there is any information available about the product or practice. Information specifically about dietary supplements can be found on FDA's Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition Web site at www.cfsan.fda.gov. Or visit the FDA's Web page on recalls and safety alerts at www.fda.gov/opacom/7alerts.html.

  • Check with the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) at www.ftc.gov to see if there are any fraudulent claims or consumer alerts regarding the therapy. Visit the Diet, Health, and Fitness Consumer Information Web site at http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/menus/consumer/health/weight.shtm

  • Visit the NCCAM Web site, www.nccam.nih.gov, or call the NCCAM Clearinghouse to see if NCCAM has any information or scientific findings to report about the therapy.

• How does the provider or manufacturer describe the treatment? The FDA advises that certain types of language may sound impressive but actually disguise a lack of science. Be wary of terminology such as "innovation," "quick cure," "miracle cure," "exclusive product," "new discovery," or "magical discovery." Watch out for claims of a "secret formula." If a therapy were a cure for a disease, it would be widely reported and prescribed or recommended. Legitimate scientists want to share their knowledge so that their peers can review their data. Be suspicious of phrases like "suppressed by Government" or claims that the medical profession or research scientists have conspired to prevent a therapy from reaching the public. Finally, be wary of claims that something cures a wide range of unrelated diseases (for example, cancer, diabetes, and AIDS). No product can treat every disease and condition.

5. Are there any risks to using CAM treatments?

Yes, there can be risks, as with any medical therapy. These risks depend upon the specific CAM treatment. The following are general suggestions to help you learn about or minimize the risks.

• Discuss with your health care practitioner any CAM treatment that you are considering or are using; it is important for your safety and for a comprehensive treatment plan. For example, herbal or botanical products and other dietary supplements may interact with medications (prescription or non-prescription). They may also have negative, even dangerous, effects on their own. Research has shown that the herb St. John's wort, which is used by some people to treat depression, may cause certain drugs to become less effective. And kava, an herb that has been used for insomnia, stress, and anxiety, has been linked to liver damage.

• If you have more than one health care provider, let all of them know about CAM and conventional therapies you are using. This will help each provider make sure that all aspects of your health care work together.

• Take charge of your health by being an informed consumer. Find out what the scientific evidence is about any treatment's safety and whether it works.

• If you decide to use a CAM treatment that would be given by a practitioner, choose the practitioner carefully to help minimize any possible risks.

6. Are CAM therapies tested to see if they work?

While some scientific evidence exists regarding the effectiveness of some CAM therapies, for most there are key questions that are yet to be answered through well-designed scientific studies--questions such as whether they are safe, how they work, and whether they work for the diseases or medical conditions for which they are used.

NCCAM is the Federal Government's lead agency on scientific research of CAM. NCCAM supports research on CAM therapies to determine if they work, how they work, whether they are effective, and who might benefit most from the use of specific therapies.

7. I am interested in a CAM therapy that involves treatment from a practitioner. How do I go about selecting a practitioner?

Here are a few things to consider when selecting a practitioner. If you need more information, see our fact sheet "Selecting a Complementary and Alternative Medicine Practitioner."

• Ask your physician, other health professionals, or someone you believe to be knowledgeable regarding CAM whether they have recommendations.

• Contact a nearby hospital or a medical school and ask if they maintain a list of area CAM practitioners or could make a recommendation. Some regional medical centers may have a CAM center or CAM practitioners on staff.

• Contact a professional organization for the type of practitioner you are seeking. Often, professional organizations have standards of practice, provide referrals to practitioners, have publications explaining the therapy (or therapies) that their members provide, and may offer information on the type of training needed and whether practitioners of a therapy must be licensed or certified in your state. Professional organizations can be located by searching the Internet or directories in libraries (ask the librarian). One directory is the Directory of Information Resources Online (DIRLINE) compiled by the National Library of Medicine (http://dirline.nlm.nih.gov/). It contains locations and descriptive information about a variety of health organizations, including CAM associations and organizations.

• Many states have regulatory agencies or licensing boards for certain types of practitioners. They may be able to provide you with information regarding practitioners in your area. Your state, county, or city health department may be able to refer you to such agencies or boards. Licensing, accreditation, and regulatory laws for CAM practices are becoming more common to help ensure that practitioners are competent and provide quality services.

8. Can I receive treatment or a referral to a practitioner from NCCAM?

NCCAM is the Federal Government's lead agency dedicated to supporting research on CAM therapies. NCCAM does not provide CAM therapies or referrals to practitioners.

9. Can I participate in CAM research through a clinical trial?

NCCAM supports clinical trials (research studies in people) of CAM therapies. Clinical trials of CAM are taking place in many locations worldwide, and study participants are needed. To find out more about clinical trials in CAM, see the NCCAM fact sheet "About Clinical Trials and Complementary and Alternative Medicine." To find trials that are recruiting participants, go to the Web site www.nccam.nih.gov/clinicaltrials. You can search this site by the type of therapy being studied or by disease or condition.

For More Information

NCCAM Clearinghouse

Toll-free in the U.S.: 1-888-644-6226
International: 301-519-3153
TTY (for deaf and hard-of-hearing callers): 1-866-464-3615
E-mail: info@nccam.nih.gov
Web site: www.nccam.nih.gov
Address: NCCAM Clearinghouse,
P.O. Box 7923, Gaithersburg, MD 20898-7923
Fax: 1-866-464-3616
Fax-on-Demand service: 1-888-644-6226

The NCCAM Clearinghouse provides information about CAM and about NCCAM.

NIH Office of Dietary Supplements (ODS)

Web site: http://ods.od.nih.gov
Telephone: 301-435-2920
E-mail: ods@nih.gov
Fax: 301-480-1845
Address: 6100 Executive Blvd., Bethesda, MD 20892-7517

The ODS, whose mission is to explore the potential role of dietary supplements to improve health care, promotes the scientific study of dietary supplements through conducting and coordinating scientific research and compiling and disseminating research results. ODS provides all its public information through its Web site. One of its services is the International Bibliographic Information on Dietary Supplements (IBIDS) database, at http://ods.od.nih.gov/databases/ibids.html.

CAM on PubMed

Web site: www.nlm.nih.gov/nccam/camonpubmed.html

CAM on PubMed, a database accessible via the Internet, was developed jointly by NCCAM and the National Library of Medicine (NLM). It contains bibliographic citations to articles in scientifically based, peer-reviewed journals on CAM. These citations are a subset of the NLM's PubMed system that contains over 12 million journal citations from the MEDLINE database and additional life science journals important to health researchers, practitioners, and consumers. CAM on PubMed displays links to publisher Web sites; some sites offer the full text of articles.

ClinicalTrials.gov

Web site: http://clinicaltrials.gov

ClinicalTrials.gov provides patients, family members, health care professionals, and members of the public access to information on clinical trials for a wide range of diseases and conditions. The National Institutes of Health (NIH), through its National Library of Medicine, has developed this site in collaboration with all NIH Institutes and the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. The site currently contains more than 6,200 clinical studies sponsored by NIH, other Federal agencies, and the pharmaceutical industry in over 69,000 locations worldwide.

U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA)

Web site: www.fda.gov
Toll-free: 1-888-INFO-FDA (1-888-463-6332)
Address: 5600 Fishers Lane, Rockville, MD 20857-0001

FDA's mission is to promote and protect the public health by helping safe and effective products reach the market in a timely way, and monitoring products for continued safety after they are in use. To report serious adverse events or illnesses related to FDA-regulated products, such as drugs, medical devices, medical foods, and dietary supplements, contact MedWatch:

Web site: www.fda.gov/medwatch/report/consumer/consumer.htm Toll-free: 1-800-FDA-1088 Fax: 1-800-FDA-0178

To report a general complaint or concern about food products, including dietary supplements, you may contact the consumer complaint coordinator at the FDA District Office nearest you. Visit www.fda.gov/opacom/backgrounders/complain.html to find the telephone number of your district office or check in the government listings in your phone book.

Federal Trade Commission (FTC)

Web site: www.ftc.gov
Toll-free: 1-877-FTC-HELP (1-877-382-4357)

The FTC works for the consumer to prevent fraudulent, deceptive, and unfair business practices in the marketplace and to provide information to help consumers spot, stop, and avoid them. To file a complaint or to get free information on consumer issues, call toll-free 1-877-FTC-HELP, or use the online complaint form found at www.ftc.gov. Consumers who want to learn how to recognize fraudulent or unproved health care products and services can learn more at www.ftc.gov/cureall.

National Library of Medicine (NLM)

Web site: www.nlm.nih.gov
Toll-free: 1-888-346-3656
E-mail: custserv@nlm.nih.gov
Fax: 301-402-1384
Address: 8600 Rockville Pike, Bethesda, MD 20894

NLM is the world's largest medical library. Services include MEDLINE, NLM's premier bibliographic database covering the fields of medicine, nursing, dentistry, veterinary medicine, the health care system, and preclinical science. MEDLINE contains indexed journal citations and abstracts from more than 4,600 journals published in the United States and more than 70 other countries. MEDLINE is accessible through NLM's PubMed system at pubmed.gov. NLM also maintains DIRLINE (dirline.nlm.nih.gov), a database that contains locations and descriptive information about a variety of health organizations, including CAM associations and organizations.

Notes

¹ Conventional medicine is medicine as practiced by holders of M.D. (medical doctor) or D.O. (doctor of osteopathy) degrees and by their allied health professionals, such as physical therapists, psychologists, and registered nurses. Other terms for conventional medicine include allopathy; Western, mainstream, orthodox, and regular medicine; and biomedicine. Some conventional medical practitioners are also practitioners of CAM.

² "Dietary supplements" were defined by Congress in a law passed in 1994. A dietary supplement is a product (other than tobacco) taken by mouth that contains a "dietary ingredient" intended to supplement the diet. Dietary ingredients may include vitamins, minerals, herbs or other botanicals, amino acids, and substances such as enzymes, organ tissues, and metabolites. Under current law, dietary supplements are considered foods, not drugs.

NCCAM has provided this material for your information. It is not intended to substitute for the medical expertise and advice of your primary health care provider. We encourage you to discuss any decisions about treatment or care with your health care provider. The mention of any product, service, or therapy in this information is not an endorsement by NCCAM.

next: Selecting a Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM) Practitioner

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

Shame is not the same as guilt.

When we feel guilt, it's about something we did. When we feel shame, it's about who we are.

When we feel guilty we need to learn that it's OK to make mistakes.

When we feel shame we need to learn that it's OK to be who we are!

Shame comes from being taught that we are worthless or bad or something similar.

It comes in childhood from adults who say things like:
"You'll never amount to anything!"
"You are worthless!"
"I wish you were never born!"
"Shame on you!"

It also comes from severe physical discipline since each hit of the hand or fist or belt says to the child: "You don't matter at all! Only what you do matters!"

And shame comes from being humiliated for our behavior. It comes from adults who say:
"What would the neighbors think of you if they knew...?"
"You look ridiculous!"
"Don't you have any pride?"
"What's wrong with you anyway!?"

And it comes from being threatened with shaming, or physical discipline, or humiliation. When we are threatened with these things, the psychological message is the same:
"I can and will treat you any way I want to... You are a worthless weakling at my disposal!"

People who are shamed have to live in the same world as all the rest of us but they have to live in it with the deep-down conviction that they are worthless.

The amount of continuous pressure a deeply shamed person feels is immense.

When they are doing well, they think it's only a matter of time before they are discovered as useless.

When they make mistakes, they expect a terrifying degree of anger from the people they disappoint.

Every act is a "test" - and they are convinced that it's only a matter of time before they fail completely.

Some people who are convinced they are worthless live out their lives to prove that they are worthless! The most severe alcoholics, drug addicts, and impulsive criminals are good examples.

Like all of us, they have a deep need to be known and to be seen and to be recognized "for who I really am."
But since they actually believe they are worthless, they have a strong need to prove their worthlessness to everyone in their lives.

They don't hurt their families and friends because they don't love them or because they want to hurt them.
They hurt their families and friends out of this need to be "known" - and out of the wrong belief that they are orthless.

Most people who are convinced they are worthless live out their lives trying to prove they DO have worth.

These are the people who are constantly worried about what you think of them, and who constantly think that you are judging them.

When you tell them they did a good job they feel good for a few minutes, but they soon feel worthless again (and think that you wouldn't like them if you "really" knew them).

If you tell them they did a poor job they will either feel a strong urge to cry or they will show an immense amount of anger at you for saying such a "horrible" thing!

They don't understand you are only commenting on the last thing they did. They think you are commenting on them,
and on their worthlessness as human beings.

WHAT HELPS?

People who've been deeply shamed need to be fully loved and accepted and valued!

Some people find a lover who deeply accepts, loves, and values them. Others find a group of friends who deeply accept, love, and value them.

Most people need a therapist along the way who shows them their value, and who, perhaps more importantly,
helps them to stop all the repetitious self-talk about their lack of worth.

Every person who is overcoming shame will need to have many sources of love and acceptance. One lover or friend or therapist is never enough.

The more totally they can trust these new sources of love in their life, the more deeply they will accept the love they need. (The love of less trustable people is also valuable, of course - just not nearly as valuable.)

Overcoming shame takes a long time. But it is well worth it for the moment when the deeply shamed person finally says
with unmistakable surprise and amazement in their voice:
"You know, I really am a good person!"

ANOTHER TOPIC ABOUT SHAME...

It would be good to read the next topic about shame now:
Shame: What You Can Do About It

next: Analyzing Your Dreams

Chapter 31 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO LIKE yourself much when you're doing something you think is wrong. It doesn't matter how much rationalization you do, or how thickly you try to cover it with justification, if you think it's wrong or bad, and you keep doing it, you cannot like yourself. So the way to like yourself more is to clean up your integrity. You may not like to hear that, and I don't blame you. It sounds like a horrible burden. But it's not. It lightens your load and makes it more fun to be alive. Here are three steps to a self you like and respect.

1. Make a list of what you're doing that you think is wrong and stop doing those things. You might keep backsliding for awhile, but if you keep at it, you'll make it. Also make a list of things you should be doing and aren't. Never mind what others think you should or shouldn't do or what you've been told is right or wrong. Just pay attention to what you feel is right or wrong. And make sure you write it out. This, by itself, will give you some relief, because we are never as bad as we think we are. When you write it out, you'll see that. The list will be finite. Work on one thing at a time. Then cross it off your list.
2. Make amends for anything you've done in the past that you feel guilty about. Some situations only need an apology, or just an admission that you did it. Other situations will require you to take some action to make up for the damage you did. Before you get started on this, you should know that it's never as bad as you think it will be. It's easier to make amends than it first may seem. Be creative. Make it fun. You may come up with a wild idea, but if it seems right to you, try it.
3. Forgive yourself for all the "bad" things you've done. This should be fairly easy since you've already taken responsibility for your past and present action. But to finish the job, you need to forgive yourself. To forgive yourself simply means to give up resentment against yourself, or give up the desire to punish yourself. Since you have taken and are taking responsibility for your actions, to continue to punish yourself or resent yourself is just silly. You are human. Humans make mistakes. You've recognized that and corrected your mistakes. That's something to feel good about. So forgive yourself. A decision is all that's required. Simply decide to stop resenting yourself and give up any intentions of punishing yourself

TAKE THESE THREE steps to a self you really like. You'll gain strength and confidence and the peace that comes from knowing you do what's right.

Fortify your integrity.

Why do people in general (and you in particular) not feel happier than our grandparents felt when they had far fewer possessions and conveniences than we now have?
We've Been Duped

What is the most powerful self-help technique on the planet?
What single thing can you do that will improve your attitude, improve the way you deal with others, and also improve your health? Find out here.
Where to Tap

Would you like to be emotionally strong? Would you like to have that special pride in yourself because you didn't whimper or whine or collapse when things got rough? There is a way, and it's not as difficult as you'd think.
Think Strong

In some cases, a feeling of certainty can help. But there are many more circumstances where it is better to feel uncertain. Strange but true.
Blind Spots

When some people get smacked around by life, they give in and let life run them over. But some people have a fighting spirit. What's the difference between these two and why does it make a difference? Find out here.
Fighting Spirit

next: Rx to Relax

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT LOVE

Love is like life itself. Ideally, it is passed down through the generations.

You must absorb enough love before you can give it to others.

Once you've absorbed enough love, there's a natural urge for it to "overflow."

Loving someone is not natural or automatic. It requires the decision to love.

Love is not a need. (But it's one of the strongest "wants" we will ever have.)

If you don't love yourself, you don't love. (No matter how many apparently loving things you do....)

Self-love is always the strongest.

We never take mistreatment from someone "because we love them."
We take mistreatment from someone because we agree with them that we are unlovable.

Loving someone does not mean that we love everything they do.

Loving ourselves does not mean that we love everything we do!

Love cannot be earned.

No one "deserves" to be loved! Love is too wonderful for any of us to have a "right" to it!

Love is not need. Need is not love. (Sometimes need even kills love...)

Love is not passion. Passion is not love. (But they sure work well together!)

Romantic love is somewhat overvalued. The love of strangers is greatly undervalued.

When you decide to love someone you are setting yourself up to eventually love everyone else.

Love is not something with "quantity." You can't use it up! If you give it to one person you are not "robbing" any other person of it! (Time and energy, on the other hand, are quantities that can be used up.)

Love and hate are not opposites. They coexist in all relationships.

Never set up tests of someone's love for you. It's very hard to kill love, but "testing" it can do the job very quickly!

Getting love is seldom more than a matter of:
1) Finding someone who can love,
2) Asking for their love,
3) Then receiving it without imagining that strings are attached.

For people who have not yet learned to love themselves, absorbing love is the hardest, and most necessary, thing they can do.

Loving is a little bit scary. After all, it might get thrown back in your face. But loving no one is the scariest of all. It leads to isolation, desperation and other horrors.

There is nothing more wonderful for a loving person than to see someone absorb their love.

Don't impugn the motives of someone who loves you, and don't be surprised when you find that they want something from you. Everyone who loves you is selfish. So is everyone who doesn't! So is everyone.

It's not complicated to find out if someone loves you. Just look into their eyes as they are looking at you and believe what you see!

Our partners need to love us AND treat us well!

Love does not conquer all! (Damn it!)

Love is not joy, but it sure brings a lot of it around!

I can't explain why we humans have been given the ability to love but I intend to spend my whole life taking full advantage of it. I want to take it when it's there and move on when it's not. I want to give it when I have it, and continue to marvel as I watch it multiply.

Love is about inclusion.

Self-love is taking our place in the universe.

Loving others is giving them a place within ourselves.

next: About Shame

Children with special needs and disabilities are marginalized in our society. How can parents encourage full inclusion of children with disabilities?

How are families with disabled children marginalized in our society?

Families raising children with disabilities can become marginalized from mainstream society in a number of ways. They have no choice but to advocate for a wide range of supports -- assistance with health care, finding solutions to mobility challenges, procuring learning-enabling computer software -- to name only a few. While all parents experience significant challenges from time-to-time, raising children with special needs often means developing considerable savvy to get the therapies or equipment your child needs. Often, that advocacy is a job in itself -- and it doesn't necessarily end when a child turns eighteen.

For some, the result is that the ordinary activities of life -- grocery shopping, participating in the labor force or rooting at your non-disabled child's soccer game -- take a high degree of organization and juggling family members' needs. The time and energy required may not leave much room for joining a reading group or enjoying other social activities.

How does being marginalized affect our disabled children?

All kids benefit when their parents are able to provide safe and loving environments. The vast majority of us raising children with special needs strive to do just that. But truth be told, the extra work involved in learning to decipher medical lingo and navigate social service agencies can be onerous -- and our kids risk not getting the assistance they need to flourish.

Certainly, if you have the financial resources and if English is your first language, your children are more likely to benefit from the best available therapies or equipment. But not everyone is in that position.

How does this affect parents of disabled children?

Along with the joys that all of our children bring to us, families raising children with disabilities often experience higher stress levels. Unlike most of our neighbors, we may be in constant contact with social workers and home care agencies. Some parents told me that while they need the assistance, it can feel quite intrusive to have their personal lives under scrutiny. Parents can get just "plain worn out", especially if they are unable to access the practical supports and the fellowship community offers.

What approach would be beneficial for special needs advocates?

There are at least two things we can do. As individuals, we need to reach out in our communities. Chances are, there may be activity and support groups for children similar to your own -- and that may include sibling programs. We must never think that we are alone!

Several mothers told me that just by getting on the internet, they were able to glean more knowledge about their child's challenges and explore ways to complement the medical and other health advice they received. Often other families are a great resource.

Second, we need to come together to make our collective voices heard. Chances are that if your child is at-risk because a particular school program or therapy is no longer available, you're not alone. Try and speak with other parents and see if you can sit down together. Get the most accurate information and make an appointment to see your locally-elected officials. Don't take no for an answer. You, your disabled child and your entire family deserve the best care this society can offer.

This article comes from an interview with Miriam Edelson, author of the advocacy book: Battle Cries: Justice for Kids with Special Needs

Life events appear to have an important role in the recovery from bipolar disorder as well as bipolar relapse.

After several years of conducting clinical and research work on unipolar depression, I sought an internship at Brown University to gain further exposure to inpatient mood disorders. During my first interview at the new internship, the client threatened me and angrily left the room. Within 3 days, the same client spent several hours gently explaining his life and problems with bipolar disorder to me in a softspoken, incredibly well mannered way. The image of this patient's dramatic and quick changes stayed with me, and was compounded by watching other patients experience equally rapid shifts in their moods.

Over the next several years, this image became juxtaposed against unanswered questions of what contributed to the timing of these shifts. I became fascinated by questions about whether changes in the psychosocial environment, particularly life stressors, might influence the timing of recovery and relapse within bipolar disorder. Although there are certainly strong biological contributions to the course of bipolar disorder, other diseases, such as diabetes and cancer, had shown strong relationships with stress.

In 1993, I received a small grant from the National Alliance for Research on Schizophrenia and Depression (NARSAD) to examine the impact of life events on the timing of recovery and relapse within bipolar disorder. Two hypotheses were primary. First, individuals who experienced severe stressors during their episode were expected to demonstrate slower recovery than individuals without severe stressors. Second, individuals who experienced severe stressors following an episode were expected to relapse more quickly than individuals who did not experience severe stressors.

Preliminary research had examined the relationship between stress and bipolar relapse, but several important confounds would need to be addressed to understand these relations better.

I became fascinated by questions about whether changes in the psychosocial environment, particularly life stressors, might influence the timing of recovery and relapse within bipolar disorder.

First, much of the previous research had asked people to evaluate their own stress. Unfortunately, depressed individuals tend to perceive their stressors more negatively (even if the actual events are comparable), making it difficult to use self ratings of stress within this area. Beyond problems in accurately capturing stress levels, symptoms of mania and depression might in fact contribute to stressful environments. For example, depressed people might develop difficulties at work due to decreased concentration or difficulties in interpersonal relationships due to social withdrawal and lack of ability to enjoy pleasurable activities. Similarly, manic episodes might lead to stress due to overspending, impulsive behavior, and irritability. To control for these factors would require attention to whether stressors occurred independently of disorder.

To begin to tease apart stress more carefully, I relied on an interview based method of assessing life events developed by George Brown and Tirril Harris, the "Life Events and Difficulties Schedule" (LEDS). To assess life events, I would interview each subject carefully regarding a full range of possible stressors in their environment. I reviewed all stressors with raters who were blind to diagnostic status, who would evaluate the extent to which the stressor would be severe for the average person, and the extent to which the stressor might have been created by symptoms of depression or mania. Events which appeared to be a consequence of a symptomatology were excluded from all analyses. All subjects were initially approached during an inpatient hospitalization for bipolar disorder and were interviewed extensively to verify their diagnosis. After hospital discharge, my research assistant and I contacted subjects once a month by telephone to complete standardized interviews of depression and mania symptoms. Then, at two, six, and twelve months after discharge, I interviewed subjects regarding life events. To date, 57 subjects have, completed the study, with ongoing data collection in progress. The data from this small number of subjects provides some speculative findings.

Life Events and Recovery

Recovery was defined using previously established criteria of minimal or absent symptoms during symptom interviews and no hospitalizations for two consecutive months. Individuals were categorized for the presence (n = 15) or absence (n = 42) of severe events within the first two months of the episode. Examples of severe events included a sister's diagnosis with cancer, a series of breakins during the night for a single woman, and financial disasters which were beyond the influence of the subjects.

To examine the data, I conducted a survival analysis. This procedure allowed me to compare the median number of months from symptom onset to recovery for subjects with and without a severe stressor.

Results revealed that subjects who experienced a stressor during the episode had a median episode duration of 365 days, while subjects who did not experience a stressor had a median episode duration of 103 days. In other words, subjects with a stressor took more than three times as long to recover as subjects without a stressor. While only 60% of the subjects with a severe stressor had achieved recovery within the follow up period, 74% of the subjects without a severe stressor had achieved recovery.

Life Events and Bipolar Relapse

Data was available to examine relapse in 33 subjects who achieved full recovery within the follow up period. Relapse was defined by high scores on symptom severity measures or the need to be re hospitalized for mood symptoms. For each of the 33 subjects, the presence or absence of a severe event after recovery and prior to relapse was determined.

The primary analysis was a survival analysis, to contrast subjects with and without a severe event on the median number of months from recovery to relapse. The median survival time for subjects who did not experience an event was 366 days. For subjects who experienced an event, the median survival time was 214 days. This would suggest that subjects with a stressor were able to stay well for two thirds as long as subjects without a severe stressor.

Discussion

Life events appear to have an important role in the recovery from bipolar disorder. Individuals who experienced a major stressor after onset were likely to take longer to achieve a full recovery than individuals without a major stressor. Life events also appear to have an important impact on the timing of relapse. Life events were associated with a higher risk for relapse, and relapse occurred more quickly among subjects who experienced a severe life event. These results indicate the need for more careful attention to the role of life events within bipolar disorder.

Several possible explanations can be given for an effect of life events on course. One model would suggest that life events directly influence physiological aspects of bipolar disorder.

Life events appear to have an important role in the recovery from bipolar disorder.

Alternatively, life events may change motivation for treatment or compliance with medications, which would then influence symptoms. In other words, individuals experiencing significant stress may experience disruptions in seeing their doctor and taking their medications, which would then be reflected in higher levels of symptoms.

To examine this hypothesis, we compared subjects with and without severe stress on follow up treatment and medication compliance. Life events did not appear to influence treatment involvement, suggesting that the impact of life events on course of disorder was not mediated by pharmacotherapy changes.

Despite the promise of these results, they are very limited and should be interpreted with extreme caution. These findings are based on a very small number of subjects. It is highly possible that the sample studied is not representative of the broader group of individuals with bipolar disorder; individuals who believed stress was linked to their episodes may have been more willing to sign up for the study. It remains questionable whether these findings could be replicated with a larger number of subjects. Although this magnitude of finding would be important if replicated, the small number of subjects makes it impossible to determine if this is a reliable difference.

If these results generalize to a larger group of subjects, then much work is necessary to understand the relationship between stress and the course of bipolar disorder. Little is known regarding factors which link the life events with episodes. For example, some individuals would argue that life events may disrupt schedules and sleep, so that sleep is more casually linked with symptoms. Knowing more about the mechanisms linking stress and symptoms might help identify certain kinds of stressors which are most risky for individuals with bipolar disorder.

In addition to understanding the mechanism linking stress and disorder, there is a fundamental need to understand whether there are certain individuals with bipolar disorder who are more vulnerable than others to illness following stress. The extent to which social support buffers the impact of events remains unknown for bipolar disorder. Similarly, knowing how effectively medication buffets the effects of stress is of prime importance. More research is necessary on these possibilities to help guide clinical interventions.

To begin to examine these questions, I have applied for a larger grant from the National Institute of Mental Health to examine life events and bipolar disorder. If provided, funding would allow for examination of many of these questions. Most importantly, funding would allow me to examine whether these preliminary findings can be replicated if tested with a larger group of individuals.

(This article was first published in 1995)

About the author: SHERI JOHNSON, Ph.D. is am assistant clinical professor at Brown University and a staff psychologist at Butler Hospital in Providence, Rhode Island.

next: The Manic Panic Connection
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We admitted we were powerless over others, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step One became reality for me in August 1993. The month and the year I finally hit the emotional, physical, and mental bottom of the grave I'd been digging for myself. For me, Step One was the admission that I had played god in my life for 33 years, and as a self-made god, I was completely inadequate, my life completely unmanageable. Admitting to myself, my self was a turning point. The first step in a journey of a thousand miles. It was the verbal and mental admission of personal defeat. The verbal and mental admission of the fact that reality and healing lay in a way other than one of my will, my way, my own making. The first step toward acceptance of my own true powerlessness.

Step One was admitting powerlessness out loud, to myself, rather than having someone else saying it to me, rather than life telling me over and over again—I verbally admitted and confessed my powerlessness. I admitted that my willfullness and insistance that life bow to my will was the source of my problems. I admitted I could no longer blame someone else or something else—I realized I was my own problem, and more importantly, that I was not the solution. My ego was my problem.

My ego, willfulness, and pride problems were mine to solve. These problems would not be fixed by focusing on another person—what they did or did not do. My problems would not go away by themselves or if I exiled some other person from my life as the scape goat. My problems were not someone else's responsibility. My problems were the result of my mismanaging my life.

How had my life become so unmanageable? By focusing on others as the source of my problem. By waiting for someone to help me fix my problems. By expecting someone else to take responsibility for my problems. By thinking that I alone possessed the power to run my life using my own resources. By thinking that "if only" such and such would happen, then, my life would be perfect.

For me, Step One was giving up the power and control I believed I possessed; giving up the notion that my life was the result of some fatalistic plan; admitting out loud the mess I had made of my life; and giving up the ego trip of self-sufficiency and self-will. For me, Step One is the on-going, daily admission that I am not the god of my life.

Step One is the end-point of despair; the beginning of hope.

next: The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous Step Two

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

I found it a very interesting exercise to try to come up with a list of the most important suggestions I could possibly make and have them fit nicely into this relatively small space.

Many people think that taking care of their body has nothing to do with emotional health. Nothing could be further from the truth. Failing to take care of your body adequately creates emotional problems - regardless of all other factors.

Be sure that you eat enough, sleep enough, drink enough liquids, use the bathroom when you have to, have enough air and space in your life, and be adequately warmed in winter and cooled in summer.

Do not become obsessed with your body. You only need to take care of your body adequately, not "perfectly." (Obsessing about these things works the same way as excessive use of alcohol or drugs: It only serves to hide problems, not to solve them.)

READ YOUR BODY'S "NEED MESSAGES" CLEARLY

Your body gives you feelings which indicate when you need something (like water or food).

Don't lie to yourself about these messages (in order to follow some diet, for instance).
Learn to read these need messages immediately, and to satisfy your needs completely.

A good rule of thumb is:
"take care of your needs at the first sign of discomfort." (Never become extremely uncomfortable or in pain before you eat, go to the bathroom, sleep, etc.)

Only our physical needs (above) are more important than getting enough attention and love.
If you don't have a regular source of love and attention in your life you will crave it constantly.

Preoccupation with this desire can sabotage all your other efforts at emotional self-care.

TAKE THE TIME TO RELAX

The rule of thumb here is: about one-third of your awake life should be spent relaxing or "doing nothing."

Doing nothing is also called mental health time because it is the only time when we can focus fully on ourselves, how we are feeling, and how things are going for us.

If all of your time is spent working or playing, you can't possibly feel centered or "know yourself."

If you can't use one-third of your time for this, at least set aside an hour or more each day just for you.

While you are relaxed, take some slow deep breaths and notice the physical sensations your body is sending to your brain. These sensations will always be one of the feelings associated with your needs (like hunger or thirst) or one of the feelings associated with your wants (see below). As you notice these feelings, make very clear decisions about what you are going to do about them.

YOUR EMOTIONAL FEELINGS

A list of the five natural and universal feelings.

Even though these five feelings can be natural, they can also be brought about through our mind and our imaginings. We can believe we have what we want, or that we lost what we wanted, or that our existence is threatened even when it is not really true. This is what complicates things.

If you know that your sadness, anger or scare is because of something you are imagining, let it go! You are only causing yourself unnecessary pain (and possibly trying to manipulate someone with it).

If you know that your joy or excitement is because of something you are imagining, enjoy it! (Just know it's a fantasy, and don't believe it's real.)

GUILT and SHAME are very common in our culture, but they are never natural feelings. They are always imagined, unnecessary, and unproductive. (Read other topics for a more thorough look at guilt and shame.)

PUT YOUR DECISIONS INTO ACTION

All feeling and analyzing is worthless if you don't take action.

If you find it difficult to do what you need to do, start with small steps. Then notice your "batting average" (the percent of the time that you are successful). And notice how quickly this success rate improves while you stay at it.

Don't try to ignore what you need to do! It won't work.

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: Who's Healthy?