Finding Purpose

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

We all want the sense that we have fulfilled our purpose in life.

Therapy clients in particular, after they have conquered most of their demons, feel a strong desire to find new purpose. With their unhealthy goals now eliminated, they wonder: "How will I spend the rest of my life?"

How much purpose do we have?
How much do we need?
What is a healthy purpose?
How do we know if we are fulfilling our purpose?

PURPOSES WE ALREADY HAVE

These are biologically preordained and achieved in this order:
 
PURPOSE:
TASK:
To stay alive. Be safe and take care of your body.
To belong. Love and be loved.
To feel joy. Get enough of what you want to feel satisfied.
To regenerate. Contribute so the world is better when you leave it.

"Biologically preordained" means you will always strive for these goals - even if you consciously try to ignore them.

If you put off working on these tasks in some misguided belief that other things are more important your body will let you know. You will be unhealthy, or lonely, or sad and angry, or you will feel empty.

HOW MUCH PURPOSE?

These biological purposes are entirely enough. Every ounce of energy you put into achieving them is rewarded with pleasurable sensation. These sensations tell you that you are in sync with your natural role in the universe.
It's as if you are saying:
"The people I love, especially including myself, matter."

If you think you must put off any of these natural purposes to achieve something more important,
you are quite wrong.

Achieve these purposes first.

 


HEALTHY PURPOSES

Any additional purpose you assign yourself must somehow relate to those already listed. You can't always improve your physical health, but you can always give and receive more love, get more of the things you want, and contribute more to the well-being of others.

So, if you set a goal of becoming rich or powerful or wise or adored you won't be satisfied as you work toward your goal unless you use your achievements to give yourself and those you love more health, more love, greater satisfaction, and a more complete sense of belonging.

Compare Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and Franklin Roosevelt with Napoleon, Adolph Hitler, and Richard Nixon. Each leader had huge dreams that were only partially fulfilled in their lifetime. Those in first group may have died with a sense of achieved purpose. For those in the second group, this was impossible all along.
ARE WE ACHIEVING OUR PURPOSE?

We can tell if we are achieving our purpose by noticing how we usually feel when we are relaxed and resting. The degree to which we usually feel good at these times tells us the degree to which we are achieving our purpose.
DO WE NEED MORE?

Maybe. A lot of the people I know and respect seem to think we do. Maybe they are right.

But I think we only need to be true to our biology to know we are fulfilling our purpose.

Fulfilling our role as a human being is difficult enough.
THE BIG PICTURE

When you were born you were given one huge task: to take good care of yourself. Once you achieve that, your nature will lead you toward love and inclusiveness.

What further purpose could there be?

What greater purpose is there?

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: About Joy

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 10). Finding Purpose, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/finding-purpose

Last Updated: March 30, 2016

Narcissists and Psychopaths - Responsibility and Other Matters

Watch the video on: Narcissists and Psychopaths - Responsibility and Other Matters

Question:

The narcissist is not entirely responsible for his actions. Should we judge him, get angry at him, be upset by him? Above all, should we communicate to him our displeasure?

Answer:

The narcissist knows to tell right from wrong. He is perfectly capable of anticipating the results of his actions and their influence on his human environment. The narcissist is very perceptive and sensitive to the subtlest nuances. He has to be: the very integrity of his personality depends upon input from others.

But the narcissist does not care. Unable to empathise, he does not fully experience the outcomes of his deeds and decision. For him, humans are dispensable, rechargeable, reusable. They are there to fulfil a function: to supply him with Narcissistic Supply (adoration, admiration, approval, affirmation, etc.) They do not have an existence apart from the carrying out of their duty.

 

True: it is the disposition of the narcissist to treat humans in the inhuman way that he does. However, this propensity is absolutely controllable. The narcissist has a choice - he just doesn't think anyone is worth making it.

It is a fact that the narcissist can behave completely differently (under identical circumstances) - depending who is involved. He not likely to be enraged by the behaviour of an important person (=with a potential to supply him narcissistically). But, he might become absolutely violent with his nearest and dearest under the same circumstances. This is because they are captives, they do not have to be won over, the Narcissistic Supply coming from them is taken for granted.

Being a narcissist does not exempt the patient from being a human being. A person suffering from NPD must be subjected to the same moral treatment and judgement as the rest of us, less privileged ones. The courts do not recognise NPD as a mitigating circumstance - why should we? Treating the narcissist specially will only exacerbate the condition by supporting the grandiose, fantastic image the narcissist has of himself.<

 

 

 


 

next: Is the Narcissist Ever Sorry

APA Reference
Vaknin, S. (2008, November 10). Narcissists and Psychopaths - Responsibility and Other Matters, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissists-and-psychopaths-responsibility-and-other-matters

Last Updated: July 4, 2018

The Narcissist and Psychopath Getting Better

Question:

Can a narcissist ever get better and, if not, how should his partner end a relationship with him?

Answer:

A Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a systemic, all-pervasive condition, very much like pregnancy: either you have it or you don't. Once you have it, you have it day and night, it is an inseparable part of the personality, a recurrent set of behaviour patterns.

Recent research shows that there is a condition, which might be called "Transient or Temporary or Short-Term Narcissism" as opposed to "The Real Thing - The Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD)" [Roningstam, 1996]. The phenomenon of "reactive narcissistic regression" is well known: people regress to a transient narcissistic phase in reaction to a major life crisis which threatens their mental composure.

There are narcissistic touches in every personality and in this sense, all of us are narcissists to some extent. But this is a far cry from the NPD pathology.

One bit of good news: no one knows why, but, in certain cases, though rarely, with age (in one's forties), the disorder seems to decay and, finally, stay on in the form of a subdued mutation of itself. This does not universally occur, though.

Should a partner stay on with a narcissist in the hope that his disorder will be ameliorated by ripe age? This is a matter of value judgement, preferences, priorities, background, emotions and a host of other "non-scientific" matters. There could be no one "right" answer. It would seem that the only valid criterion is the partner's well-being. If he or she feels bad in a relationship (and no amount of self-help or of professional help changes that) - then looking for the exit door sounds like a viable and healthy strategy.

This raises the second part of the question: a relationship with a narcissist is of dependence, even symbiosis. Moreover, the narcissist is a superb emotional manipulator and extortionist. In some cases, there is real threat to his mental stability. Even "demonstrative" (failed) suicide cannot be ruled out in the repertory of narcissistic reactions to abandonment. And even a modest amount of residual love harboured by the narcissist's partner makes the separation very difficult for him or her.

But there is a magic formula.

A narcissist is with his partner because he regards IT as a Source of Narcissistic Supply. He values the partner as such a source. Put differently: the minute that the partner ceases to supply him with what he needs - he loses all interest in IT. (I use IT judiciously - the narcissist objectifies his partners, treats them as he would inanimate objects.)

The transition from over-valuation (bestowed upon Sources of Narcissistic Supply) to devaluation (reserved for other mortals) is so swift that it is likely to inflict pain upon the narcissist's partner, even if he previously prayed for the narcissist to depart and leave him alone. The partner is the narcissist's pusher and the drug that he is proffering is stronger than any other drug because it sustains the narcissist's very essence (his False Self).

Without Narcissistic Supply the narcissist disintegrates, crumbles and shrivels - very much as vampires do in horror movies when exposed to sunlight.

Here lies the partner's salvation. An advice to you: if you wish to sever your relationship with the narcissist, stop providing him with what he needs. Do not adore, admire, approve, applaud, or confirm anything that he does or says. Disagree with his views, belittle him (or put him in perspective and proportion), compare him to others, tell him that he is not unique, criticise him, make suggestions, offer help. In short, deprive him of that illusion which holds his personality together.

The narcissist is a delicately attuned piece of equipment. At the first sign of danger to his inflated, fantastic and grandiose self - he will disappear on you.


 

next: Narcissists and Psychopaths - Responsibility and Other Matters

APA Reference
Vaknin, S. (2008, November 10). The Narcissist and Psychopath Getting Better, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissist-and-psychopath-getting-better

Last Updated: July 3, 2018

Narcissists in Positions of Authority

Question:

Are narcissists in position of authority more likely to take advantage of their patients/students/subordinates?

Answer:

Being in a position of authority secures the Sources of Narcissistic Supply. Fed by the awe, fear, subordination, admiration, adoration and obedience of his underlings, parish, or patients - the narcissist thrives in such circumstances. The narcissist aspires to acquire authority by any means available to him. He may achieve this by making use of some outstanding traits or skills such as his intelligence, or through an asymmetry built into a relationship. The narcissistic medical doctor or mental health professional and his patients, the narcissistic guide, teacher, or mentor and his students, the narcissistic leader, guru, pundit, or psychic and his followers or admirers, or the narcissistic business tycoon, boss, or employer and his subordinates - all are instances of such asymmetries. The rich, powerful, more knowledgeable narcissist occupy a Pathological Narcissistic Space.

These types of relationships - based on the unidirectional and unilateral flow of Narcissistic Supply - border on abuse. The narcissist, in pursuit of an ever-increasing supply, of an ever-larger dose of adoration, and an ever-bigger fix of attention - gradually loses his moral constraints. With time, it gets harder to obtain Narcissistic Supply. The sources of such supply are human and they become weary, rebellious, tired, bored, disgusted, repelled, or plainly amused by the narcissist's incessant dependence, his childish craving for attention, his exaggerated or even paranoid fears which lead to obsessive-compulsive behaviours. To secure their continued collaboration in the procurement of his much-needed supply - the narcissist might resort to emotional extortion, straight blackmail, abuse, or misuse of his authority.

The temptation to do so, though, is universal. No doctor is immune to the charms of certain female patients, nor are university professors a sexual. What prevent them from immorally, cynically, callously and consistently abusing their position are ethical imperatives embedded in them through socialisation and empathy. They learned the difference between right and wrong and, having internalised it, they choose right when they face a moral dilemma. They empathise with other human beings, "putting themselves in their shoes", and refrain from doing unto others what they do not wish to be done to them.

It is in these two crucial points that narcissists differ from other humans.

 

Their socialisation process - usually the product of problematic early relationships with Primary Objects (parents, or caregivers) - is often perturbed and results in social dysfunctioning. And they are incapable of empathising: humans are there only to supply them with Narcissistic Supply. Those unfortunate humans who do not comply with this overriding dictum must be made to alter their ways and if even this fails, the narcissist loses interest in them and they are classified as "sub-human, animals, service-providers, functions, symbols" and worse. Hence the abrupt shifts from over-valuation to devaluation of others. While bearing the gifts of Narcissistic Supply - the "other" is idealised by the narcissist. The narcissist shifts to the opposite pole (devaluation) when Narcissistic Supply dries up or when he estimates that it is about to.

As far as the narcissist is concerned, there is no moral dimension to abusing others - only a pragmatic one: will he be punished for doing so? The narcissist is atavistically responsive to fear and lacks any in-depth understanding of what it is to be a human being. Trapped in his pathology, the narcissist resembles an alien on drugs, a junkie of Narcissistic Supply devoid of the kind of language, which renders human emotions intelligible.

NARCISSISTIC LEADERS

The narcissistic leader is the culmination and reification of his period, culture, and civilization. He is likely to rise to prominence in narcissistic societies.

Read more about Collective Narcissism - HERE.

The narcissistic leader fosters and encourages a personality cult with all the hallmarks of an institutional religion: priesthood, rites, rituals, temples, worship, catechism, mythology. The leader is this religion's ascetic saint. He monastically denies himself earthly pleasures (or so he claims) in order to be able to dedicate himself fully to his calling.

The narcissistic leader is a monstrously inverted Jesus, sacrificing his life and denying himself so that his people - or humanity at large - should benefit. By surpassing and suppressing his humanity, the narcissistic leader became a distorted version of Nietzsche's "superman".

But being a-human or super-human also means being a-sexual and a-moral.

In this restricted sense, narcissistic leaders are post-modernist and moral relativists. They project to the masses an androgynous figure and enhance it by engendering the adoration of nudity and all things "natural" - or by strongly repressing these feelings. But what they refer to as "nature" is not natural at all.

 


 


The narcissistic leader invariably proffers an aesthetic of decadence and evil carefully orchestrated and artificial - though it is not perceived this way by him or by his followers. Narcissistic leadership is about reproduced copies, not about originals. It is about the manipulation of symbols - not about veritable atavism or true conservatism.

In short: narcissistic leadership is about theatre, not about life. To enjoy the spectacle (and be subsumed by it), the leader demands the suspension of judgment, depersonalisation, and de-realisation. Catharsis is tantamount, in this narcissistic dramaturgy, to self-annulment.

Narcissism is nihilistic not only operationally, or ideologically. Its very language and narratives are nihilistic. Narcissism is conspicuous nihilism - and the cult's leader serves as a role model, annihilating the Man, only to re-appear as a pre-ordained and irresistible force of nature.

Narcissistic leadership often poses as a rebellion against the "old ways" - against the hegemonic culture, the upper classes, the established religions, the superpowers, the corrupt order. Narcissistic movements are puerile, a reaction to narcissistic injuries inflicted upon a narcissistic (and rather psychopathic) toddler nation-state, or group, or upon the leader.

Minorities or "others" - often arbitrarily selected - constitute a perfect, easily identifiable, embodiment of all that is "wrong". They are accused of being old, they are eerily disembodied, they are cosmopolitan, they are part of the establishment, they are "decadent", they are hated on religious and socio-economic grounds, or because of their race, sexual orientation, origin... They are different, they are narcissistic (feel and act as morally superior), they are everywhere, they are defenceless, they are credulous, they are adaptable (and thus can be co-opted to collaborate in their own destruction). They are the perfect hate figure. Narcissists thrive on hatred and pathological envy.

This is precisely the source of the fascination with Hitler, diagnosed by Erich Fromm - together with Stalin - as a malignant narcissist. He was an inverted human. His unconscious was his conscious. He acted out our most repressed drives, fantasies, and wishes. He provides us with a glimpse of the horrors that lie beneath the veneer, the barbarians at our personal gates, and what it was like before we invented civilization. Hitler forced us all through a time warp and many did not emerge. He was not the devil. He was one of us. He was what Arendt aptly called the banality of evil. Just an ordinary, mentally disturbed, failure, a member of a mentally disturbed and failing nation, who lived through disturbed and failing times. He was the perfect mirror, a channel, a voice, and the very depth of our souls.

The narcissistic leader prefers the sparkle and glamour of well-orchestrated illusions to the tedium and method of real accomplishments. His reign is all smoke and mirrors, devoid of substances, consisting of mere appearances and mass delusions. In the aftermath of his regime - the narcissistic leader having died, been deposed, or voted out of office - it all unravels. The tireless and constant prestidigitation ceases and the entire edifice crumbles. What looked like an economic miracle turns out to have been a fraud-laced bubble. Loosely-held empires disintegrate. Laboriously assembled business conglomerates go to pieces. "Earth shattering" and "revolutionary" scientific discoveries and theories are discredited. Social experiments end in mayhem.

It is important to understand that the use of violence must be ego-syntonic. It must accord with the self-image of the narcissist. It must abet and sustain his grandiose fantasies and feed his sense of entitlement. It must conform with the narcissistic narrative.

Thus, a narcissist who regards himself as the benefactor of the poor, a member of the common folk, the representative of the disenfranchised, the champion of the dispossessed against the corrupt elite - is highly unlikely to use violence at first.

The pacific mask crumbles when the narcissist has become convinced that the very people he purported to speak for, his constituency, his grassroots fans, the prime sources of his narcissistic supply - have turned against him. At first, in a desperate effort to maintain the fiction underlying his chaotic personality, the narcissist strives to explain away the sudden reversal of sentiment. "The people are being duped by (the media, big industry, the military, the elite, etc.)", "they don't really know what they are doing", "following a rude awakening, they will revert to form", etc.

When these flimsy attempts to patch a tattered personal mythology fail - the narcissist is injured. Narcissistic injury inevitably leads to narcissistic rage and to a terrifying display of unbridled aggression. The pent-up frustration and hurt translate into devaluation. That which was previously idealized - is now discarded with contempt and hatred.

This primitive defense mechanism is called "splitting". To the narcissist, things and people are either entirely bad (evil) or entirely good. He projects onto others his own shortcomings and negative emotions, thus becoming a totally good object. A narcissistic leader is likely to justify the butchering of his own people by claiming that they intended to kill him, undo the revolution, devastate the economy, or the country, etc.

The "small people", the "rank and file", the "loyal soldiers" of the narcissist - his flock, his nation, his employees - they pay the price. The disillusionment and disenchantment are agonizing. The process of reconstruction, of rising from the ashes, of overcoming the trauma of having been deceived, exploited and manipulated - is drawn-out. It is difficult to trust again, to have faith, to love, to be led, to collaborate. Feelings of shame and guilt engulf the erstwhile followers of the narcissist. This is his sole legacy: a massive post-traumatic stress disorder.


 

next: The Narcissist and Psychopath Getting Better

APA Reference
Vaknin, S. (2008, November 10). Narcissists in Positions of Authority, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissists-in-positions-of-authority

Last Updated: July 4, 2018

It's Time for the 3rd Degree!

Are you "being" the right partner?

Do you rush your way through the daily relationship routine without thinking about what you say before you say it?

Is your relationship in breakdown?    It's Time for the 3rd Degree!

Is your time with your partner a Horror Show?

Are you a monotonous bore?

Do you want to be happy in your relationship or right!?

Are you experiencing anger and frustration over something that should have been forgiven long ago?

Does you relationship seems like random nothingness?

Do you look at your iPOD play list for advice and solace?

Do you have a habit of retreating into the doldrums as an avoidance technique?

Are you thrilled by your own opinion, yet disagree or argue when your partner expresses their own?

Are you content to be warmed by the dying embers of your relationship rather than give up being right?

Are you drowning in disillusionment?

Who would you have to become to have your relationship be great?

Are you emotionally lost?

Do you babble to yourself about your relationship blunders, yet have little intention of changing your behavior?

Is neglect an unwelcome visitor to your relationship?

Does nothing ever come true on your relationship wish list?

Feeling completely empty; no emotions, no feelings, no energy?


continue story below


Approaching full-blown relationship burnout?

Do you spend half your day trying to turn the other half around?

Do you resist the adjustments needed to change attitudes and thoughts about your relationship? Do you get lost in those thoughts?

Is your relationship stuck on replaying the same old stuff?

Is it disturbing to ponder such inquiries?

It is not necessary to love everything about yourself to like who you are!

Perhaps your quest for a better relationship with yourself and your partner should involve some serious soul-searching. A little introspect into what is going on within you; what you are thinking about your partner; what you are feeling, etc. This never hurt anyone. Maybe it's time to push the relationship reset button.

Take time for reflection. Make it a time of promise for a new and better vision for the relationship you are in.

The future holds great things for you and your partner. Be excited to see the change come. Celebrate it!

Time is creeping up on you. Every minute that passes by is never going to be there again. Every minute is a missed opportunity to work on your relationship and to make a new promise to never waste another minute.

No matter what your current conundrum is, you can begin again. Start from scratch. Forgive what needs to be forgiven and move forward.

Squealing your tires doesn't get you there any faster. In other words, change that lasts, takes time. Slow down but get started now!

Make some notes in your journal.

Additional resources:

Read, "For Your Eyes Only" - Have you ever sat down, discouraged and out of steam, stuck and with a sense of hopelessness about your relationship? Have you ever felt like you needed to express what you felt? Have you ever taken the opportunity to write some notes to yourself about how you are feeling, even the feelings you feel uncomfortable sharing with anyone? Some call it "journaling." Here are some guidelines to help you begin answering these important questions.

next: Catch Your Partner Doing Something Right!

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 10). It's Time for the 3rd Degree!, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/celebrate-love/its-time-for-the-3rd-degree

Last Updated: November 22, 2016

Courage

Thoughtful quotes about courage and the definition of courage.

Words of Wisdom

Thoughtful quotes about courage and the definition of courage.

 

"Life expands or shrinks in direct proportion to one's courage." (Anais Nin)

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." (Mark Twain)

"There are millions of Americans who are clever and fearless, but the trouble is they are only four years old." (author unknown)

"Often the test of courage is not to die but to live." (Vittorio Alferi)

"All glory comes from daring to begin." (Eugene F. Ware)

"Courage faces fear and thereby masters it." (Martin Luther King, Jr.)


continue story below

next:Death/Endings

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 9). Courage, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/sageplace/courage

Last Updated: July 18, 2014

Feeling Like You Belong

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

We all want to have the sense that we belong among people we know.

Where do we really belong?
What makes us feel less like we belong?
What makes us feel more like we belong?

WHERE DO YOU BELONG?

You belong where you say you belong! The decision about whether you belong with others is your decision, not theirs.

In the adult world, we are seldom "kicked out" or excluded from any groups. People from a certain group might mistreat us, and this might help us decide to leave. But, even then, it is our decision, not theirs.

The question of whether we feel like we belong should be based on how we are treated while we are actually with the group.

But people who fear that they don't belong usually feel excluded before they've spent any time at all with that group!

"I'd never be good enough for them."
"They'd never let anyone like me in."
"People like them don't care what people like us have to say."
"I'm just too [dumb, wise, fat, skinny, sick, healthy, young, old, etc.] for those people."
"They're just too [dumb, wise, fat, skinny, sick, healthy, young, old, etc.] for me."

Look back on your life and ask yourself:
"Who have I decided that I belong with?"
"Who have I accepted into my world?"

Then look back again and ask:
"Who have I decided I don't belong with?"
"Who have I excluded from my world?"


 


WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL LESS LIKE YOU BELONG?

We decide whether we belong based on our experience or on our beliefs.

FROM OUR EXPERIENCES
If some people in a group mistreat you, deciding to leave them can be a good decision. This is especially true if you objected to the mistreatment but nothing changed afterwards.

FROM OUR BELIEFS
But if you haven't been mistreated by people in a certain group and you only think you will be mistreated, it is your beliefs that are keeping you from the feeling of belonging.

Such beliefs are both bigoted against them and terribly restrictive for you!

It's bad enough to restrict yourself because of your own beliefs. It's even worse to exclude yourself because of someone else's beliefs.

When it comes to a decision as important as whether to cut a whole group of human beings out of your life, I don't care at all what your parents, or your culture, or even your priests/rabbis/ministers think.

I care what YOU have experienced. And whether you have spoken up for yourself about being treated well. And what you have decided, and whether these decisions are working for you or not.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO FEEL MORE LIKE YOU BELONG?

If you are actually mistreated by some people in a certain group:
Don't judge the group. Judge the individuals.

If they don't stop, leave. Join a better group. And congratulate yourself for trying!

Whether you stay or leave, remember that some of these people did treat you well.

Tell the people who are mistreating you that it has to stop. If they stop for a long while, stay with them. If they only stop for a short while, consider leaving.

If you are only thinking that you will be mistreated, ask yourself where your opinion came from:

Is it only based on what you heard from someone else?

Is it based on your experience with a few people you think are similar?
Is it based on your experience with many people you think are similar?


Admit that you fear being mistreated by the people in this group. Then ask yourself:
What kind of mistreatment do I fear?
If it did happen, how bad would it actually be?
Am I so afraid that it's not even worth trying to accept the new group?

Most importantly:
How would you treat yourself after you got home from being mistreated?
Would you treat yourself even worse than the people in the group treated you?
Is the biggest problem what they think of you, or what you think of you?

ASK YOURSELF:

If I exclude another group, where will I get the feeling of belonging that I need?
If I just need to find a better group, which group will I try next?
Can I allow myself to think in terms of individuals instead of whole groups?
Is there some way I stir up the very mistreatment I try to avoid? If so, how can I change this?

YOU BELONG WHERE YOU SAY YOU BELONG!

Give people a chance to treat you well. Accept them and spend your time with them.

You belong with good people.

You belong wherever you say you belong!

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!


 


next: Friends and Social Relationships

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 9). Feeling Like You Belong, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/feeling-like-you-belong

Last Updated: March 30, 2016

15 Hot Ideas for Phenomenal Physical Intimacy!

15 Hot Ideas for Phenomenal Physical Intimacy!

Foreword by Laura Dawn Lewis

Foreword - The inside joke with women? No man is worth bedding until he hits twenty-seven, unless she is willing to train him and spend a lot of time with batteries.

Until then he's all effort with no technique. Men tend to dislike this whispered opinion. To each man, he's already a legend in his own mind by twenty-seven and women will tell you with a wink, that is the only place he's a legend.

Part of the problem is men see sex as a physical activity and women see it as an emotional activity. Perhaps this opinion explains why over 30% of women by the age of thirty report never experiencing an orgasm with any man in her life.

With sexual aids, many are discovering what they've been missing, perhaps explaining the huge and growing popularity of toys. Of course not all men are like this and not all women think this, but if women are honest or don't think a man can hear what they are saying, many a revelation bubbles to the surface.

Truth is, anyone can have sex. Dogs do it, monkeys do it and so can any human being with the required commitment. Nearly any man can impregnate a woman but just because he can father a child, doesn't make him a father. It makes him a sperm donor. Father takes effort.

Nearly every woman of childbearing age can get pregnant, but carrying to term and giving birth doesn't make her a mother. It makes her an incubator and the delivery woman. Mother takes effort.

Same thing for sex. Sex any human can do. Intimacy, making love, becoming that legend in her or his mind, this takes effort.

If you're interested in becoming a legend in your lover's mind, these fifteen ideas will get you going in the right direction. Try adding one to your week for the next fifteen weeks, by next season you will be a legend!

Hot Sex Tips

1. Become a couple with an unwavering commitment to doing whatever it takes to make your overall relationship work. Remember, problems always show up in the bedroom. If you want great sex, never deny your partner the attention necessary to let them know they are loved, appreciated and respected. Relationships are something that must be worked on ALL THE TIME, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed.

2. Have a passion for life's sexual journey and for the processes required to go from boring to bliss in the bedroom. Be creative with your passion. Direct it toward your partner. Nurture it. Enjoy and revel in it.

3. Become dedicated to mutual pleasure for both you and your love partner. Sex is fun and pleasure is good for you!

4. Learn to be intentionally spontaneous and open for the opportunity to make love when it presents itself; during a lunch break, in the back seat of your car or by arousing your partner from a deep sleep in the middle of the night.

5. Perfect the ability to communicate openly and honestly your most secret sexual desires and needs. Be responsible for your own sexual pleasure by asking for what you need or taking care of yourself.

6. Be willing to be a student of great sex; read about it, study it, practice it.

7. Be mature enough to exercise the discipline to stay in the moment when being sexually intimate. Never allow the cares of the day to distract you. Focus on giving pleasure to each other.

8. Be daring. . . experiment. Do things differently, try new positions, new places, love toys and more, in agreement with both partners, of course. Variety is the spice of a healthy sexual relationship. Be creative! To always make love the same old way is, in a word, BORING!!

9. Pay attention to personal hygiene. The first rule of making love is to present a body that is tastefully clean!

10. Cultivate the generosity to consider your love partner's pleasure before your own, or the esprit de corps to decide whether you or your partner goes first or whether you reach orgasm together.

11. Have the keenness of mind to recognize the value of making love vs. only having sex. A "quickie" now and then is okay, however to only and always depend upon quickies for your sexual gratification is a form of "taking your partner for granted" and can only lead to resentment. Make time for the time that is needed to "make love."

12. Synthesize the gusto to be energetic when making love and aware of the sensitivity it takes to passionately lay motionless together after engaging in sex. Enjoy foreplay, engagement and afterglow.

13. Be courageous enough to not always take yourselves so seriously; to laugh, to play and be playful and to experience whatever is sexually exciting and enjoyable.

14. Learn to negotiate win/win agreements and promises about how you will mutually care for your partner's needs in the sexual arena.

15. Ask for the variety of pleasure you want and deserve. However, to force or coerce your partner to do something they do not want to do breeds discontent and is highly disrespectful. In this scenario, always take "No!" for the answer. Never be afraid to ask for what you want and always demonstrate the respect to honor your lover's right to say no without consequence.

Practice including the keywords that are in bold in your sexual vocabulary with your partner and watch what happens!

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 9). 15 Hot Ideas for Phenomenal Physical Intimacy!, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/celebrate-love/15-hot-ideas-for-phenomenal-physical-intimacy

Last Updated: June 7, 2019

Understanding Complementary and Alternative Medicine

Comprehensive information on complementary and alternative medicine - what they are and the different types of complementary and alternative medicine.

Comprehensive information on complementary and alternative medicine - what they are and the different types.

What Is Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM)?

On this page:

There are many terms used to describe approaches to health care that are outside the realm of conventional medicine as practiced in the United States. This fact sheet explains how the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM), a component of the National Institutes of Health, defines some of the key terms used in the field of complementary and alternative medicine (CAM). Terms that are underlined in the text are defined at the end of this fact sheet.

What is complementary and alternative medicine?

Complementary and alternative medicine, as defined by NCCAM, is a group of diverse medical and health care systems, practices, and products that are not presently considered to be part of conventional medicine. While some scientific evidence exists regarding some CAM therapies, for most there are key questions that are yet to be answered through well-designed scientific studies--questions such as whether these therapies are safe and whether they work for the diseases or medical conditions for which they are used.

The list of what is considered to be CAM changes continually, as those therapies that are proven to be safe and effective become adopted into conventional health care and as new approaches to health care emerge.


 


Are complementary medicine and alternative medicine different from each other?

Yes, they are different.

  • Complementary medicine is used together with conventional medicine. An example of a complementary therapy is using aromatherapy to help lessen a patient's discomfort following surgery.

  • Alternative medicine is used in place of conventional medicine. An example of an alternative therapy is using a special diet to treat cancer instead of undergoing surgery, radiation, or chemotherapy that has been recommended by a conventional doctor.

What is integrative medicine?

Integrative medicine, as defined by NCCAM, combines mainstream medical therapies and CAM therapies for which there is some high-quality scientific evidence of safety and effectiveness. Top

What are the major types of complementary and alternative medicine?

NCCAM classifies CAM therapies into five categories, or domains:

1. Alternative Medical Systems

Alternative medical systems are built upon complete systems of theory and practice. Often, these systems have evolved apart from and earlier than the conventional medical approach used in the United States. Examples of alternative medical systems that have developed in Western cultures include homeopathic medicine and naturopathic medicine. Examples of systems that have developed in non-Western cultures include traditional Chinese medicine and Ayurveda.

2. Mind-Body Interventions

Mind-body medicine uses a variety of techniques designed to enhance the mind's capacity to affect bodily function and symptoms. Some techniques that were considered CAM in the past have become mainstream (for example, patient support groups and cognitive-behavioral therapy). Other mind-body techniques are still considered CAM, including meditation, prayer, mental healing, and therapies that use creative outlets such as art, music, or dance.

3. Biologically Based Therapies

Biologically based therapies in CAM use substances found in nature, such as herbs, foods, and vitamins. Some examples include dietary supplements, herbal products, and the use of other so-called natural but as yet scientifically unproven therapies (for example, using shark cartilage to treat cancer).


4. Manipulative and Body-Based Methods

Manipulative and body-based methods in CAM are based on manipulation and/or movement of one or more parts of the body. Some examples include chiropractic or osteopathic manipulation, and massage.

5. Energy Therapies

Energy therapies involve the use of energy fields. They are of two types:

  • Biofield therapies are intended to affect energy fields that purportedly surround and penetrate the human body. The existence of such fields has not yet been scientifically proven. Some forms of energy therapy manipulate biofields by applying pressure and/or manipulating the body by placing the hands in, or through, these fields. Examples include qi gong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch.

  • Bioelectromagnetic-based therapies involve the unconventional use of electromagnetic fields, such as pulsed fields, magnetic fields, or alternating-current or direct-current fields.

What is NCCAM's role in the field of CAM?

NCCAM is the Federal Government's lead agency for scientific research on CAM. NCCAM is dedicated to exploring complementary and alternative healing practices in the context of rigorous science, training CAM researchers, and disseminating authoritative information to the public and professionals.


 


Definitions

Acupuncture ("AK-yoo-pungk-cher") is a method of healing developed in China at least 2,000 years ago. Today, acupuncture describes a family of procedures involving stimulation of anatomical points on the body by a variety of techniques. American practices of acupuncture incorporate medical traditions from China, Japan, Korea, and other countries. The acupuncture technique that has been most studied scientifically involves penetrating the skin with thin, solid, metallic needles that are manipulated by the hands or by electrical stimulation.

Aromatherapy ("ah-roam-uh-THER-ah-py"): involves the use of essential oils (extracts or essences) from flowers, herbs, and trees to promote health and well-being.

Ayurveda ("ah-yur-VAY-dah") is a CAM alternative medical system that has been practiced primarily in the Indian subcontinent for 5,000 years. Ayurveda includes diet and herbal remedies and emphasizes the use of body, mind, and spirit in disease prevention and treatment.

Chiropractic ("kie-roh-PRAC-tic") is a CAM alternative medical system. It focuses on the relationship between bodily structure (primarily that of the spine) and function, and how that relationship affects the preservation and restoration of health. Chiropractors use manipulative therapy as an integral treatment tool.

Dietary supplements. Congress defined the term "dietary supplement" in the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act (DSHEA) of 1994. A dietary supplement is a product (other than tobacco) taken by mouth that contains a "dietary ingredient" intended to supplement the diet. Dietary ingredients may include vitamins, minerals, herbs or other botanicals, amino acids, and substances such as enzymes, organ tissues, and metabolites. Dietary supplements come in many forms, including extracts, concentrates, tablets, capsules, gel caps, liquids, and powders. They have special requirements for labeling. Under DSHEA, dietary supplements are considered foods, not drugs.

Electromagnetic fields (EMFs, also called electric and magnetic fields) are invisible lines of force that surround all electrical devices. The Earth also produces EMFs; electric fields are produced when there is thunderstorm activity, and magnetic fields are believed to be produced by electric currents flowing at the Earth's core.

Homeopathic ("home-ee-oh-PATH-ic") medicine is a CAM alternative medical system. In homeopathic medicine, there is a belief that "like cures like," meaning that small, highly diluted quantities of medicinal substances are given to cure symptoms, when the same substances given at higher or more concentrated doses would actually cause those symptoms.

Massage ("muh-SAHJ") therapists manipulate muscle and connective tissue to enhance function of those tissues and promote relaxation and well-being.

Naturopathic ("nay-chur-o-PATH-ic") medicine, or naturopathy, is a CAM alternative medical system. Naturopathic medicine proposes that there is a healing power in the body that establishes, maintains, and restores health. Practitioners work with the patient with a goal of supporting this power, through treatments such as nutrition and lifestyle counseling, dietary supplements, medicinal plants, exercise, homeopathy, and treatments from traditional Chinese medicine.


Osteopathic ("ahs-tee-oh-PATH-ic") medicine is a form of conventional medicine that, in part, emphasizes diseases arising in the musculoskeletal system. There is an underlying belief that all of the body's systems work together, and disturbances in one system may affect function elsewhere in the body. Some osteopathic physicians practice osteopathic manipulation, a full-body system of hands-on techniques to alleviate pain, restore function, and promote health and well-being.

Qi gong ("chee-GUNG") is a component of traditional Chinese medicine that combines movement, meditation, and regulation of breathing to enhance the flow of qi (an ancient term given to what is believed to be vital energy) in the body, improve blood circulation, and enhance immune function.

Reiki ("RAY-kee") is a Japanese word representing Universal Life Energy. Reiki is based on the belief that when spiritual energy is channeled through a Reiki practitioner, the patient's spirit is healed, which in turn heals the physical body.

Therapeutic Touch is derived from an ancient technique called laying-on of hands. It is based on the premise that it is the healing force of the therapist that affects the patient's recovery; healing is promoted when the body's energies are in balance; and, by passing their hands over the patient, healers can identify energy imbalances.

Traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) is the current name for an ancient system of health care from China. TCM is based on a concept of balanced qi (pronounced "chee"), or vital energy, that is believed to flow throughout the body. Qi is proposed to regulate a person's spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical balance and to be influenced by the opposing forces of yin (negative energy) and yang (positive energy). Disease is proposed to result from the flow of qi being disrupted and yin and yang becoming imbalanced. Among the components of TCM are herbal and nutritional therapy, restorative physical exercises, meditation, acupuncture, and remedial massage.

 


 


For More Information

NCCAM Clearinghouse

The NCCAM Clearinghouse provides information on CAM and on NCCAM, including publications and searches of Federal databases of scientific and medical literature. The Clearinghouse does not provide medical advice, treatment recommendations, or referrals to practitioners.

NCCAM Clearinghouse
Toll-free in the U.S.: 1-888-644-6226
International: 301-519-3153
TTY (for deaf and hard-of-hearing callers): 1-866-464-3615
Web site: www.nccam.nih.gov
E-mail: info@nccam.nih.gov

Sources of Information on Dietary Supplements

Office of Dietary Supplements, NIH
Web site: http://ods.od.nih.gov
E-mail: ods@nih.gov

ODS supports research and disseminates research results on dietary supplements. It produces the International Bibliographic Information on Dietary Supplements (IBIDS) database on the Web, which contains abstracts of peer-reviewed scientific literature on dietary supplements.

U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA)
Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition
Web site: www.cfsan.fda.gov
Toll-free in the U.S.: 1-888-723-3366

Information includes "Tips for the Savvy Supplement User: Making Informed Decisions and Evaluating Information" (www.cfsan.fda.gov/~dms/ds-savvy.html) and updated safety information on supplements (www.cfsan.fda.gov/~dms/ds-warn.html). If you have experienced an adverse effect from a supplement, you can report it to the FDA's MedWatch program, which collects and monitors such information (1-800-FDA-1088 or www.fda.gov/medwatch).

NCCAM has provided this material for your information. It is not intended to substitute for the medical expertise and advice of your primary health care provider. We encourage you to discuss any decisions about treatment or care with your health care provider. The mention of any product, service, or therapy in this information is not an endorsement by NCCAM.

next: Statistics on CAM Use

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 9). Understanding Complementary and Alternative Medicine, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/treatments/understanding-complementary-and-alternative-medicine

Last Updated: July 8, 2016

Childhood Bipolar and Special Education Needs

What Are the Educational Needs for a Child With Bipolar Disorder?

What are the educational needs of a child with bipolar disorder?A diagnosis of bipolar disorder means the child has a significant health impairment (such as diabetes, epilepsy, or leukemia) that requires ongoing medical management. The child needs and is entitled to accommodations in school to benefit from his or her education. Bipolar disorder and the medications used to treat it can affect a child's school attendance, alertness and concentration, sensitivity to light, noise and stress, motivation, and energy available for learning. The child's functioning can vary greatly at different times throughout the day, season, and school year.

The special education staff, parents and professionals should meet as a team to determine the child's educational needs. An evaluation including psychoeducational testing will be done by the school (some families arrange for more extensive private testing). The educational needs of a particular child with bipolar disorder vary depending on the frequency, severity and duration of episodes of illness. These factors are difficult to predict in an individual case. Transitions to new teachers and new schools, return to school from vacations and absences, and changing to new medications are common times of increased symptoms for children with bipolar disorder. Medication side effects that can be troublesome at school include increased thirst and urination, excessive sleepiness or agitation, and interference with concentration. Weight gain, fatigue, and a tendency to become easily overheated and dehydrated impact a child's participation in gym and regular classes.

These factors and any others that affect the child's education must be identified. A plan (called an IEP) will be written to accommodate the child's needs. The IEP should include accommodations for periods when the child is relatively well (when a less intense level of services may suffice), and accommodations available to the child in the event of relapse. Specific accommodations should be backed up by a letter or phone call from the child's doctor to the director of special education in the school district. Some parents find it necessary to hire a lawyer to obtain the accommodations and services that federal law requires public schools to provide for children with similar health impairments.

Examples of accommodations helpful to children and adolescents with bipolar disorder include:

  • preschool special education testing and services
  • small class size (with children of similar intelligence) or self-contained classroom with other emotionally fragile (not "behavior disorder") children for part or all of the day
  • one-on-one or shared special education aide to assist child in class
  • back-and-forth notebook between home and school to assist communication
  • homework reduced or excused and deadlines extended when energy is low
  • late start to school day if fatigued in morning
  • recorded books as alternative to self-reading when concentration is low
  • designation of a "safe place" at school where child can retreat when overwhelmed
  • designation of a staff member to whom the child can go as needed
  • unlimited access to bathroom
  • unlimited access to drinking water
  • art therapy and music therapy
  • extended time on tests
  • use of calculator for math
  • extra set of books at home
  • use of keyboard or dictation for writing assignments
  • regular sessions with a social worker or school psychologist
  • social skills groups and peer support groups
  • annual in-service training for teachers by child's treatment professionals (sponsored by school)
  • enriched art, music, or other areas of particular strength
  • curriculum that engages creativity and reduces boredom (for highly creative children)
  • tutoring during extended absences
  • goals set each week with rewards for achievement
  • summer services such as day camps and special education summer school
  • placement in a day hospital treatment program for periods of acute illness that can be managed without inpatient hospitalization
  • placement in a therapeutic day school during extended relapses or to provide a period of extra support after hospitalization and before returning to regular school
  • placement in a residential treatment center during extended periods of illness if a therapeutic day school near the family's home is not available or is unable to meet the child's needs

A Turning Point

Learning that one's child has bipolar disorder can be traumatic. Diagnosis usually follows months or years of the child's mood instability, school difficulties, and damaged relationships with family and friends. However, diagnosis can and should be a turning point for everyone concerned. Once the illness is identified, energies can be directed towards treatment, education, and developing coping strategies.

How do children and adolescents with this disease fare over time and as adults?

This answer appears on the NAMI website: "At this time, regrettably, the disease appears more severe and with a much longer road to recovery than is seen with adults. While some adults may have episodes of mania or depression with better functioning between episodes, children seem to have continuous illness over months and years."

next: How Can I Help My Bipolar Child?
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 9). Childhood Bipolar and Special Education Needs, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-disorder/articles/childhood-bipolar-and-special-education-needs

Last Updated: April 3, 2017