I always share in the first person, always about me and always for my benefit first. This is an integral part of my recovery process. This is how I get down to the bare-bones honesty real recovery requires. And I can only be honest about my self and my feelings—not anyone else's.

By speaking and sharing in the first person, I work to express myself and my feelings. Often, I don't know how I feel until I begin sharing. Sharing is self-discovery. Sharing is vulnerability. That is why meetings must be safe sharing places for those who are new to recovery and for veterans of recovery as well.

By sharing my experience, strength, and hope, I indirectly help others see themselves in me and in my recovery actions and choices. The key word is indirectly.

As I struggle through my own issues, openly and honestly, my sharing (hopefully) encourages others to do likewise. I don't share in order to solve anyone else's problems or issues. That is advice-giving masquerading as sharing. I share to solve my problems and issues, 90% of which are common to most people. However, one of the reasons sharing is important in a meeting is because it lets people see they are not alone. That their problems are not so unique after all. That the universe is not singling them out and picking on them. That suffering is a common problem and that real solutions and options are available.

By verbalizing the solutions that work for me, I am taking responsibility for my recovery (and indirectly), being responsible to (not for) my brothers and sisters. I help the world by helping myself!

I help the world by helping myself.

This is what I call open-heart sharing. In a meeting, I am simply carrying on a verbal dialogue with my soul, offering others a venue through which to listen to that dialogue. I open my mind, my heart, and verbalize my struggles. Perhaps some one will relate; perhaps not. But someone has been helped—ME. Other people can take what applies to them at the moment and throw out the rest. If some one else is helped, it is because they saw some part of themselves in me and made the choice to learn from my experience. That is wisdom. That is support. That is the universal Higher Power available and accessible through sharing.

I began sharing when I was ready. A CoDA meeting was my incubator. I sat and listened for a long time. Once I started working the Twelve Steps (and it is about the Steps after all), I had something to share. Once I started living the steps, I had something to share. I began sharing once I realized I needed to be totally honest with myself in order to grow. I choose to be vulnerable with myself and others who knew how to listen to a person taking those first baby steps in recovery.

Now, when I am silent, perhaps it is because I have discovered I am not working an honest program in some part of my life. Perhaps it is because I am back in the listening stage. Perhaps I am gathering renewed courage and strength. Perhaps I am praying. Perhaps I am simply reveling in the calm center of my serenity or the warmth of the acceptance and peace I am feeling. Perhaps I am connecting with God and enjoying God's presence. Perhaps I am learning to be more patient with myself. Perhaps I have quieted that scolding inner voice for the first time that day.

If I am silent, it is OK. I will share again when the time is right for me.

next: Healthy Thinking

Be thankful for your relationships.

All of them.

Seems to me that there may be only two prayers worthy of praying. One prayer is to know God better. The other prayer is a prayer of thanksgiving.

Pray a prayer of self-discovery and one of gratitude, and know God is listening.

It is useless and wastes God's time -- and our mental energy -- to pray for things. God has given us the ability to choose. Our greatest power is choice. To use this power to choose to pray for things that God has already given us the power to create may not be an effective use of our time.

I can imagine God being amused. I can hear him saying, "Why don't they get it? I have given them everything and yet they insist upon asking me for the same things, over and over again."

It may not seem logical that you should only pray a prayer of thanksgiving. If you are someone who has always used your prayers for asking, this may sound strange to you. This, to some, may appear to be an arrogant way to speak to God. Hardly.

God will view your prayers with greater reverence when you acknowledge that you have already been given the power to choose. Stop asking God to give you a great relationship. Instead, choose to thank God for a love relationship that transcends your own imagination, then do whatever you can to help it turn out that way.

In the past we have asked for a great relationship, never received it, and never bothered to do anything differently and wondered why God didn't answer our prayer. Hopefully, we have learned that lesson by now. That's like asking God for a great job and never going to look for one. Excuse me! I don't believe that's what God had in mind. We must be thankful and do something.

Being thankful for the relationships you already have is one of the keys to attracting the relationships you want. Cultivate the practice of affirmative prayer. An attitude of gratitude is faith in action. It is a very satisfying feeling to know that what you are thankful for, you will experience. What you focus on, manifests.

continue story below

Saying a prayer of thanksgiving has you focus on the good things that are happening to you and the good things that are about to happen to you. That alone may be a good enough reason to only pray a prayer of thanksgiving. It creates a thirst for more of the good that God says is already yours. Think about it. You get what you really believe.

Is it true that when something bad happens we tend to not want to take responsibility that the bad we see is what we created? Not taking responsibility means we try to find someone outside of ourselves to blame. When we ask God for things and the things don't come, who do we blame? When we blame God for not answering prayer, our love for God becomes conditional. There is no room for blame in an unconditional love relationship.

How can we justify loving Him conditionally when we, in our self-serving arrogance, resist believing that our misfortune is our own fault?

God always answers prayer. Always. It may not be the answer you want but he always answers.

Can we look at ourselves in the mirror, take complete responsibility for our relationships and all areas of our lives, and know that we do have choice and we do create our own reality? As within, so without. Consider saying 'yes' to prayers of self-discovery and thanksgiving and experience the miracle of good that God has already given to you. Then get busy and do something different. Change your thinking and your behavior and you will change your life!

Pray to know God. Thank Him for being there for you. Be grateful for the gift of constant and faithful devotion He has given to help you get to know Him better. Pray to thank God for His abundance. Let Him know how grateful you are for the relationships in your life. Offer thanks for your present circumstance, regardless of what you think or feel about it. Thank Him for the lessons of good you learn from the things you often call bad. Thank Him for the tears of joy and the tears of sadness.

Be grateful for your ability to create an attitude of receptivity. Thank Him for more love, courage and understanding. Express gratitude for the everyday miracles that occur that you often take for granted. Be grateful for the power of choice. Thank God for creating the possibility of unconditional love and for the self-discipline to stay on that path. Thank Him for the opportunity to express gratitude. Be thankful for all that God has freely given.

Now. . . receive it!

Whatever you want in your relationships. . . wants you! Thank God for that, too!

next: How to Get the Most From Reading a Relationship Book

Shadows of the past are our out-dated precepts and ideas that serve no one. They are our preconceived notions about how we think things should be, should turn out or how things are. They cast their dreary shadow between ourselves and all that is good.

We must steadily move closer to the realization that our outer-circumstances are not something to be resolved but rather look upon them as inner-conditions to be acknowledged and understood. We can never see the fullness of the Light while standing in the shadows.

The shadows of the past disappear only when the lights come on! The self- illumination that occurs when connecting with our true inner-Self liberates us or disconnects us from the fear that keeps us in the shadows; it flips the switch that turns on the lights! The promise of self-discovery is liberation. It always delivers on its promise. It liberates.

Enlightenment comes only when you seek it. Ask yourself, "Do I want to be happy or right?" Ponder on that for a moment. Holding on is being right. It defends your old position which isn't working. Letting go brings peace, contentment and true happiness. The answer is truly within the question. Explore this notion further on your own quiet journey within.

With this Higher Awareness you can begin to engage in activity that shatters the barriers of self-limitation; moving forward with dignity; with confidence; with vigor; and with zest for living life to its fullest in the present.

The past is an energy drain. It saps your strength. Let go. Experience the joy of release.

"Let go and let God" is more than just something nice to say. It works! This self-liberating insight alone can free you from being a slave to your past. It's a transformational switch-flipper!

Contrary to popular belief, history does not have to repeat itself. It is our choice. When we put new, self-liberating insight into practice we become a powerful force in beckoning the Light that will free us from the shadows of the past.

continue story below

Shadows only disappear when, through self-discovery, we have the courage to allow the inner-Self to lighten the path. This release of our old self; the letting go of "being right" to allow for enlightenment is an empowering notion and when accepted and nurtured, instantly begins to lighten the burden we feel we are carrying. There is always a higher solution available for every concern if we but seek it. It has never been necessary to carry burden to attain spiritually sound, self-liberating insight. Let go.

Encourage self-enlightenment or self-discovery for yourself and others. It is the only way to begin again; to get a fresh start. It is important to know that on our spiritual quest we will always be starting over and over and over.

On occasion, we stumble. Have no concern of this. To stay on the path without becoming overwhelmed with discouragement we must take no intended intermission. Simply, without hesitation, begin again. There is no shame in starting over.

Higher understanding is an unremitting quest worthy of pursuit. Letting go is the only acceptable path to Truth.

The hurt you carry with you today reflects a need for higher spiritual enlightenment. Suffering is only a symptom of spiritual short-sightedness!

There is always some higher notion; something beyond the limits of our present perceptions; some Truthful insight that we have yet to discover. We must learn to press forward and be willing to lift our eyes to connect with our higher Self. In short, we must forever be engaged in a quest for higher spiritual understanding. This is letting go. Step out of the shadows into the Light. Seeking the Truth about who you are and what you can become is letting go.

Release always follows revelation. When we let go of our own preconceived ideas about what works, and are willing to be receptive to new and higher ideas, this new inquiry always invites new insight. Spiritual awareness has no opposite. It just is. It is the Truth. And the Truth will set you free!

Letting go does not mean giving up. Letting go does not mean giving up! Letting go is granting yourself permission to dedicate the situation wholly to Truth, to turn it over to a Higher Power and allow the Truth of new ideas to guide you. Letting go is looking for, listening for and consistently being in search of a higher and better path to inner-peace. It means bringing the Truth to the front; putting the Truth first!

In effect, letting go is a form of forgiveness. It releases the circumstance and creates an opening for higher awareness. It makes peace of mind a preference and therefore, inevitable.

Truth or a higher spiritual awareness comes from God, a Higher Power, Infinite Intelligence, the Master Mind or whatever you choose to call It. It matters not whether you believe it.

You do not have to believe in Truth for it to be so. It just is. Truth is Truth no matter who believes it. Use it. It is there for all who will access It. And for Truth to effectively work in your life, you must learn to make application of it in a consistent, never-ending manner. Truth is the way.

As you begin your spiritual quest, for only several moments at a time, quiet your mind, let go of your ideas and listen for new ones. Commit to devote additional quiet moments each time you begin your silent journey. The more you listen, the more receptive you will be for your higher education.

Only listen. Be still and know that you will hear only what you are willing to listen for. And you will understand only that which you are ready to accept. The only way to invite higher insight is to be receptive to it. You trigger transformation by taking the time necessary to put into practice the information the Truth presents.

On your silent journey, when you begin to hear the voices of the past, and you most assuredly will, quiet your mind, and begin again to listen anew. It really is okay to start over and over and over. Inspirational insight comes to us only when we let go of our thoughts long enough to attend to higher instruction. Deepak Chopra expressed it this way. "The Cosmic Psyche whispers to us softly in the gap between our thoughts."

This higher awareness speaks from the heart, not the intellect. It feels. You will know the Truth when it presents itself. How will you know? Never fear. You will know. And you will understand. Within Truth is understanding.

To eliminate the shadows of the past, it is important to stand firm in your commitment to only listen for higher insight.

Pursue the quest for self-discovery and watch the shadows of fear, doubt, worry and all of the other self-created conditions you disdain disappear.

Author Guy Finley once said, "The only thing you lose when you let go of something you are afraid to live without is the fear itself."

When you once decide to no longer live in the shadows of the past, the miracle of Love occurs! The essence of letting go is forgiveness. Forgiveness is the key to happiness. It dissolves fear. The absence of fear allows you to truly experience Love's presence. And Love is the answer to all questions.

continue story below

next: Weigh Your Words

The books that Larry James has written are published by Career Assurance Press and are available nationwide through major bookstores and online booksellers.

If you would like for Larry to personally sign one or all of his relationship books to someone you love, look for special ordering information below.

Larry's books have been endorsed by relationship expert Dr John Gray, the author of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," and other therapists, ministers and celebrity authors.

Larry James and Dr. John Gray, Ph.D.

How To Really Love The One You're With
Affirmative Guidelines For
A Healthy Love Relationship
(As seen on ABC TV's "The View"
with Barbara Walters)
$14.95+ Shipping & Handling
ISBN 1-881558-02-9 More information about this book

LoveNotes for Lovers
Words That Make Music
For Two Hearts Dancing
$9.95 + Shipping & Handling
ISBN 1-881558-03-7 More information about this book and an assortment of sample LoveNotes!

Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers
$9.95 + Shipping & Handling
ISBN 1-881558-04-5
More information about this book and an assortment of sample "Red Hot LoveNotes."

Here are some very special tips and suggestions about "How to Get the Most From Reading a Relationship Book."

Ordering Information

The three books above are available from major bookstores nationwide and online booksellers. Some retailers occasionally offer discounts. Direct links for online purchase are provided on each individual book page.

continue story below

If your favorite local book store is sold out or to have a relationship book personally signed by the author for yourself or someone you love call: 800-725-9223

NOTE: Larry's first book, "The First Book of LifeSkills: 10 Ways to Maximize Your Personal and Professional Potential" has been re-released and is now available from Sage Creek Press. Not available in bookstores.

Closeout Special: Larry's audio cassette program, "LifeWords for Success!" is only available on this website for his online friends.

next: Personal Relationship Coaching

"Tabby"

This is Larry's daughter, Kelly's 'lil darling! In her 18th year, Tabby has learned to stop and smell the flowers!

It is always important to pay attention to the things that really matter. Stopping to smell the flowers, sitting quietly under a tree to watch the squirrels, reading a book or just making time to "slow down," take a deep breath and relax for a few minutes helps us to stay focused on the important things in life. This is what "Taking care of yourself" and paying attention to the "little" things is all about.

Larry & Kelly

This is Larry & his daughter, Kelly being together, having fun, enjoying each other's company.

It is so important to spend time with family and friends. The love you share is multiplied when you take time to really be together.

Being too busy to be with family and friends is being "too busy!"

"Tabby"

And now. . . for a moment of quiet meditation.

Hmmm! I wonder what's on her mind?

Resting in the stillness, thinking good thoughts, listening for insight and simply taking pleasure from the present moment is part of what happiness is all about. Unhappiness is a choice! Take time to enjoy the quietness of solitude for a few moments sometime today. Kelly & Her Dad

It's time to celebrate Kelly's 26th birthday (May 19th) at Z'Tejas Grill in Scottsdale's Fashion Square!

Kelly was a freshman at Kansas University when this photo was taken. She is now a sophomore. She is on the Dean's Honor Roll. (See her dad smiling?)

It is not only important for you to be together with the ones you love, but to DO things that you love doing together. Plan your playtime. It gives you something to look forward to. Having FUN together should be a top priority!

next: Alzheimer's Links

Question:

How will a narcissist that is overly and overtly attached to his mother react to her death?

Answer:

We are born with abilities of the first order (abilities to do) and of the second order (potentials, abilities to develop abilities to do). Our environment, though, is critical to the manifestation of these abilities. It is through socialisation and comparison with others that we bring our abilities into full fruition and put them to use. We are further constrained by cultural and normative dictates. Generally speaking, we are faced with four scenarios as we grow up:

We possess an ability and society recognises and encourages it - the result is a positive reinforcement of the capacity. We possess an ability but society is either indifferent to it, or outright hostile to it, or does not recognise it as such. Weak persons tend to suppress the ability as a result of social (peer and other) pressures. Stronger souls go on defiantly, adopting a non-conformist, or even rebellious stance. We have no ability and our milieu insists us that we do - we usually succumb to its superior judgement and develop the talent in question. sliding inexorably into mediocrity. We have no ability or talent, we know it and society concurs. This is the easiest case: no propensity to explore the irrelevant capacity will develop. Parents (Primary Objects) and, more specifically, mothers are the first agents of socialisation. It is through his mother that the child explores the answers to the most important existential questions, which shape his entire life. How loved one is, how loveable, how independent one becomes, how guilty one should feel for wanting to become autonomous, how predictable is the world, how much abuse should one expect in life and so on.

To the infant, the mother, is not only an object of dependence (as his survival is at stake), love and adoration. It is a representation of the "universe" itself. It is through her that the child first exercises his senses: the tactile, the olfactory, and the visual.

Later on, she becomes the subject of his nascent sexual cravings (if a male) - a diffuse sense of wanting to merge, physically, as well as spiritually. This object of love is idealised and internalised and becomes part of his conscience (Superego). For better or for worse, she is the yardstick, the benchmark against which everything in his future is measured. One forever compares oneself, one's identity, one's actions and omissions, one's achievements, one's fears and hopes and aspirations to this mythical figure.

Growing up entails the gradual separation from one's mother. At first, the child begins to shape a more realistic view of her and incorporates the mother's shortcomings and disadvantages in this modified version. The more ideal, less realistic and earlier picture of the mother is stored and becomes part of the child's psyche. The later, less cheerful, more realistic view enables the infant to define his own identity and gender identity and to "go out to the world".

Thus, partly "abandoning" mother is the key to an independent exploration of the world, to personal autonomy and to a strong sense of self. Resolving the sexual complex and the resulting conflict of being attracted to a forbidden figure - is the second, determining, step.

The (male) child must realise that his mother is "off-limits" to him sexually (and emotionally, or psychosexually) and that she "belongs" to his father (or to other males). He must thereafter choose to imitate his father ("become a man") in order to win, in the future, someone like his mother.

The third (and final) stage of letting go of the mother is reached during the delicate period of adolescence. One then seriously ventures out and, finally, builds and secures one's own world, replete with a new "mother-lover". If any of these phases is thwarted - the process of differentiation is not be successfully completed, no autonomy or coherent self are achieved and dependence and "infantilism" characterise the unlucky person.

What determines the success or failure of these phases in one's personal history? Mostly, one's mother. If the mother does not "let go" - the child does not go. If the mother herself is the dependent, narcissistic type - the growth prospects of the child are, indeed, dim.

There are numerous mechanisms, which mothers use to ensure the continued presence and emotional dependence of their offspring (of both sexes).

The mother can cast herself in the role of the eternal victim, a sacrificial figure, who dedicated her life to the child (with the implicit or explicit proviso of reciprocity: that the child dedicate his life to her). Another strategy is to treat the child as an extension of the mother or, conversely, to treat herself as an extension of the child.

Yet another tactic is to create a situation of shared psychosis or "folie a deux" (the mother and child united against external threats), or an atmosphere suffused with sexual and erotic insinuations, leading to an illicit psychosexual bonding between mother and child.

In this, latter case, the adult's ability to interact with members of the opposite sex is gravely impaired and the mother is perceived as envious of any feminine influence other than hers. Such a mother is frequently critical of the women in her offspring's life pretending to do so in order to protect him from dangerous liaisons or from ones which are "beneath him" ("You deserve more").

Other mothers exaggerate their neediness: they emphasise their financial dependence and lack of resources, their health problems, their emotional barrenness without the soothing presence of the child, their need to be protected against this or that (mostly imaginary) enemy. Guilt is a prime mover in the perverted relationships of such mothers and their children.

The death of the mother is, therefore, both a devastating shock and a deliverance - ambivalent emotional reactions. Even a "normal" adult who mourns his dead mother is usually exposed to such emotional duality. This ambivalence is the source of great guilt feelings.

With a person who is abnormally attached to his mother, the situation is more complicated. He feels that he has a part in her death, that he is to blame, somehow responsible, that he could have done more. He is glad to be liberated and feels guilty and punishable because of it. He feels sad and elated, naked and powerful, exposed to dangers and omnipotent, about to disintegrate and to be newly integrated. These, precisely, are the emotional reactions to a successful therapy. With the death of his mother, the narcissist's embarks on a process of healing.

next:   Narcissists, Paranoiacs and Psychotherapists

Psychological Theories and Psychotherapy of Personality Disorders

Storytelling has been with us since the days of campfire and besieging wild animals. It served a number of important functions: amelioration of fears, communication of vital information (regarding survival tactics and the characteristics of animals, for instance), the satisfaction of a sense of order (justice), the development of the ability to hypothesize, predict and introduce theories and so on.

We are all endowed with a sense of wonder. The world around us in inexplicable, baffling in its diversity and myriad forms. We experience an urge to organize it, to "explain the wonder away", to order it in order to know what to expect next (predict). These are the essentials of survival. But while we have been successful at imposing our mind's structures on the outside world we have been much less successful when we tried to cope with our internal universe.

The relationship between the structure and functioning of our (ephemeral) mind, the structure and modes of operation of our (physical) brain and the structure and conduct of the outside world have been the matter of heated debate for millennia. Broadly speaking, there were (and still are) two ways of treating it:

There were those who, for all practical purposes, identified the origin (brain) with its product (mind). Some of them postulated the existence of a lattice of preconceived, born categorical knowledge about the universe the vessels into which we pour our experience and which mold it. Others have regarded the mind as a black box. While it was possible in principle to know its input and output, it was impossible, again in principle, to understand its internal functioning and management of information. Pavlov coined the word "conditioning", Watson adopted it and invented "behaviorism", Skinner came up with "reinforcement". But all ignored the psychophysical question: what IS the mind and HOW is it linked to the brain?

The other camp was more "scientific" and "positivist". It speculated that the mind (whether a physical entity, an epiphenomenon, a non-physical principle of organization, or the result of introspection) had a structure and a limited set of functions. They argued that a "user's manual" could be composed, replete with engineering and maintenance instructions. The most prominent of these "psychodynamists" was, of course, Freud. Though his disciples (Adler, Horney, the object-relations lot) diverged wildly from his initial theories they all shared his belief in the need to "scientify" and objectify psychology. Freud a medical doctor by profession (Neurologist) and Bleuler before him came with a theory regarding the structure of the mind and its mechanics: (suppressed) energies and (reactive) forces. Flow charts were provided together with a method of analysis, a mathematical physics of the mind.

But this was a mirage. An essential part was missing: the ability to test the hypotheses, which derived from these "theories". They were all very convincing, though, and, surprisingly, had great explanatory power. But - non-verifiable and non-falsifiable as they were they could not be deemed to possess the redeeming features of a scientific theory.

Psychological theories of the mind are metaphors of the mind. They are fables and myths, narratives, stories, hypotheses, conjunctures. They play (exceedingly) important roles in the psychotherapeutic setting but not in the laboratory. Their form is artistic, not rigorous, not testable, less structured than theories in the natural sciences. The language used is polyvalent, rich, effusive, and fuzzy in short, metaphorical. They are suffused with value judgements, preferences, fears, post facto and ad hoc constructions. None of this has methodological, systematic, analytic and predictive merits.

Still, the theories in psychology are powerful instruments, admirable constructs of the mind. As such, they are bound to satisfy some needs. Their very existence proves it.

The attainment of peace of mind is a need, which was neglected by Maslow in his famous rendition. People will sacrifice material wealth and welfare, will forgo temptations, will ignore opportunities, and will put their lives in danger just to reach this bliss of wholeness and completeness. There is, in other words, a preference of inner equilibrium over homeostasis. It is the fulfillment of this overriding need that psychological theories set out to cater to. In this, they are no different than other collective narratives (myths, for instance).

In some respects, though, there are striking differences:

Psychology is desperately trying to link up to reality and to scientific discipline by employing observation and measurement and by organizing the results and presenting them using the language of mathematics. This does not atone for its primordial sin: that its subject matter is ethereal and inaccessible. Still, it lends an air of credibility and rigorousness to it.

The second difference is that while historical narratives are "blanket" narratives psychology is "tailored", "customized". A unique narrative is invented for every listener (patient, client) and he is incorporated in it as the main hero (or anti-hero). This flexible "production line" seems to be the result of an age of increasing individualism. True, the "language units" (large chunks of denotates and connotates) are one and the same for every "user". In psychoanalysis, the therapist is likely to always employ the tripartite structure (Id, Ego, Superego). But these are language elements and need not be confused with the plots. Each client, each person, and his own, unique, irreplicable, plot.

To qualify as a "psychological" plot, it must be:

• All-inclusive (anamnetic) It must encompass, integrate and incorporate all the facts known about the protagonist.

• Coherent It must be chronological, structured and causal.

• Consistent Self-consistent (its subplots cannot contradict one another or go against the grain of the main plot) and consistent with the observed phenomena (both those related to the protagonist and those pertaining to the rest of the universe).

• Logically compatible It must not violate the laws of logic both internally (the plot must abide by some internally imposed logic) and externally (the Aristotelian logic which is applicable to the observable world).

• Insightful (diagnostic) It must inspire in the client a sense of awe and astonishment which is the result of seeing something familiar in a new light or the result of seeing a pattern emerging out of a big body of data. The insights must be the logical conclusion of the logic, the language and of the development of the plot.

• Aesthetic The plot must be both plausible and "right", beautiful, not cumbersome, not awkward, not discontinuous, smooth and so on.

• Parsimonious The plot must employ the minimum numbers of assumptions and entities in order to satisfy all the above conditions.

• Explanatory The plot must explain the behaviour of other characters in the plot, the hero's decisions and behaviour, why events developed the way that they did.

• Predictive (prognostic) The plot must possess the ability to predict future events, the future behaviour of the hero and of other meaningful figures and the inner emotional and cognitive dynamics.

• Therapeutic With the power to induce change (whether it is for the better, is a matter of contemporary value judgements and fashions).

• Imposing The plot must be regarded by the client as the preferable organizing principle of his life's events and the torch to guide him in the darkness to come.

• Elastic The plot must possess the intrinsic abilities to self organize, reorganize, give room to emerging order, accommodate new data comfortably, avoid rigidity in its modes of reaction to attacks from within and from without.

In all these respects, a psychological plot is a theory in disguise. Scientific theories should satisfy most of the same conditions. But the equation is flawed. The important elements of testability, verifiability, refutability, falsifiability, and repeatability are all missing. No experiment could be designed to test the statements within the plot, to establish their truth-value and, thus, to convert them to theorems.

There are four reasons to account for this shortcoming:

• Ethical Experiments would have to be conducted, involving the hero and other humans. To achieve the necessary result, the subjects will have to be ignorant of the reasons for the experiments and their aims. Sometimes even the very performance of an experiment will have to remain a secret (double blind experiments). Some experiments may involve unpleasant experiences. This is ethically unacceptable.

• The Psychological Uncertainty Principle The current position of a human subject can be fully known. But both treatment and experimentation influence the subject and void this knowledge. The very processes of measurement and observation influence the subject and change him.

• Uniqueness Psychological experiments are, therefore, bound to be unique, unrepeatable, cannot be replicated elsewhere and at other times even if they deal with the SAME subjects. The subjects are never the same due to the psychological uncertainty principle. Repeating the experiments with other subjects adversely affects the scientific value of the results.

• The undergeneration of testable hypotheses Psychology does not generate a sufficient number of hypotheses, which can be subjected to scientific testing. This has to do with the fabulous (=storytelling) nature of psychology. In a way, psychology has affinity with some private languages. It is a form of art and, as such, is self-sufficient. If structural, internal constraints and requirements are met a statement is deemed true even if it does not satisfy external scientific requirements.

So, what are plots good for? They are the instruments used in the procedures, which induce peace of mind (even happiness) in the client. This is done with the help of a few embedded mechanisms:

• The Organizing Principle Psychological plots offer the client an organizing principle, a sense of order and ensuing justice, of an inexorable drive toward well defined (though, perhaps, hidden) goals, the ubiquity of meaning, being part of a whole. It strives to answer the "why's" and "how's". It is dialogic. The client asks: "why am I (here follows a syndrome)". Then, the plot is spun: "you are like this not because the world is whimsically cruel but because your parents mistreated you when you were very young, or because a person important to you died, or was taken away from you when you were still impressionable, or because you were sexually abused and so on". The client is calmed by the very fact that there is an explanation to that which until now monstrously taunted and haunted him, that he is not the plaything of vicious Gods, that there is who to blame (focussing diffused anger is a very important result) and, that, therefore, his belief in order, justice and their administration by some supreme, transcendental principle is restored. This sense of "law and order" is further enhanced when the plot yields predictions which come true (either because they are self-fulfilling or because some real "law" has been discovered).

• The Integrative Principle The client is offered, through the plot, access to the innermost, hitherto inaccessible, recesses of his mind. He feels that he is being reintegrated, that "things fall into place". In psychodynamic terms, the energy is released to do productive and positive work, rather than to induce distorted and destructive forces.

• The Purgatory Principle In most cases, the client feels sinful, debased, inhuman, decrepit, corrupting, guilty, punishable, hateful, alienated, strange, mocked and so on. The plot offers him absolution. Like the highly symbolic figure of the Saviour before him the client's sufferings expurgate, cleanse, absolve, and atone for his sins and handicaps. A feeling of hard won achievement accompanies a successful plot. The client sheds layers of functional, adaptive clothing. This is inordinately painful. The client feels dangerously naked, precariously exposed. He then assimilates the plot offered to him, thus enjoying the benefits emanating from the previous two principles and only then does he develop new mechanisms of coping. Therapy is a mental crucifixion and resurrection and atonement for the sins. It is highly religious with the plot in the role of the scriptures from which solace and consolation can be always gleaned.

next: The Development of the Narcissist

• Watch the video on Healthy Self Love or Malignant Narcissism?

Question:

What is the difference between self-love and narcissism and how does it affect the capacity to love others?

Answer:

There are two differences: (a) in the ability to tell reality from fantasy, and (b) in the ability to empathise and, indeed, to fully and maturely love others. As we said, the narcissist possesses no self-love. It is because he has very little True Self to love. Instead, a monstrous, malignant construct the False Self - encroaches upon his True Self and devours it.

The narcissist loves an image which he projects unto others and which is affirmed by them. The projected image is reflected back at the narcissist and, thus, he is reassured both of its existence and of the boundaries of his Ego. This continuous process blurs all distinctions between reality and fantasy.

A False Self leads to false assumptions and to a contorted personal narrative, to a false worldview, and to a grandiose, inflated sense of being. The latter is rarely grounded in real achievements or merit. The narcissist's feeling of entitlement is all-pervasive, demanding and aggressive. It easily deteriorates into open verbal, psychological and physical abuse of others.

Maintaining a distinction between what we really are and what we dream of becoming, knowing our limits, our advantages and faults and having a sense of true, realistic achievements in our life are of paramount importance in the establishment and maintenance of our self-esteem, sense of self-worth and self-confidence.

Reliant as he is on outside judgement, the narcissist feels miserably inferior and dependent. He rebels against this degrading state of things by escaping into a world of make-belief, daydreaming, pretensions and delusions of grandeur. The narcissist knows little about himself and finds what he knows to be unacceptable.

Our experience of what it is like to be human - our very humanness - depends largely on our self-knowledge and on our experience of our selves. In other words: only through being himself and through experiencing his self - can a human being fully appreciate the humanness of others.

The narcissist has precious little experience of his self. Instead, he lives in an invented world, of his own design, where he is a fictitious figure in a grandiose script. He, therefore, possesses no tools to enable him to cope with other human beings, share their emotions, put himself in their place (empathise) and, of course, love them - the most demanding task of inter-relating.

The narcissist just does not know what it means to be human. He is a predator, rapaciously preying on others for the satisfaction of his narcissistic cravings and appetites for admiration, adoration, applause, affirmation and attention. Humans are Narcissistic Supply Sources and are (over- or de-) valued according to their contributions to this end.

Self-love is a precondition for the experience and expression of mature love. One cannot truly love someone else if one does not first love one's True Self. If we had never loved ourselves - we had never experienced unconditional love and, therefore, we do not know how to love.

If we keep living in a world of fantasy - how could we notice the very real people around us who ask for our love and who deserve it? The narcissist wants to love. In his rare moments of self-awareness, he feels ego-dystonic (unhappy with his situation and with his relationships with others). This is his predicament: he is sentenced to isolation precisely because his need of other people is so great.

next: Psychological Theories and Narcissism

A future chapter by J. Klassy Evans, editor of Self-Help Stuff That Works

FRIGHTENING, ALARMING, bad stuff sells. Our brains are especially attuned to danger. The people who sell news know this, at least intuitively, and use it against you for their own benefit.

Your attention gets arrested by an alarming headline, and arrested attention sells newspapers, so any paper that tries to sell newspapers without alarming headlines is out-competed by newspapers with alarming headlines.

During the first half of this decade, the murder rate went down, but during that same period, media coverage of murders tripled! The headline of a small child who gets murdered works to get us to buy the paper, which is good for the newspaper people BUT it leaves you depressed. It is a pessimistic communication that makes your view of life worse than it is and makes you less willing to act.

The overselling of bad news (and underselling of good news) is darkening the viewpoint of people at large, which actually creates worse conditions, which leads to more bad news!

The REAL world is not in a magazine, no matter how realistic. The magazine is a distorted view of reality. In the example give in The Bad News About Bad News, ColorsMagazine depicted a man in a polyester jump suit standing on a well-manicured lawn with a nice house in the background, and he was feeding a tidbit to his well-groomed poodle. The other picture was five or six young boys, dirty and ragged, living in a hole in the street.

This is a distortion. The rich guy was perfectly rich, the poor kids were perfectly poor. The magazines that flaunt all that is terrible in the world are out after your money. Other magazines, like the Christian Science Monitor, win awards because they care first about journalism and trying to accurately relay the truth. Of course they make money, but they don't sacrifice reality to sell copy.

The tabloids that sell "news" about things like an alien mating with the ghost of Elvis constantly sacrifice reality to sell news. The eleven o'clock news isn't as blatant, but they also distort reality to sell news.

There are billions of people and billions of stories to be told. Yes, terrible things happen, but so do magnificent feats of courage and great love. The bad-news hawkers are ruining your attitude. And the horror about that is that in the real world, the world you find yourself alive in right here before you, in this real world, this actual real live world where your butt sits, in this world, a bad attitude means less good gets done in your life. Not only did you lose the moments absorbing the bad news, your state after absorption leads to less achievement, less love, less happiness, less health...less life. Bad moods rob us of energy and drain all who interact with us, so they also get less done and so on.

Additional points by Adam Khan:

Alarm and fear sells papers. Our perceptual apparatus wasn't designed to deal with news. It isn't equipped to handle the woes of the far corners of the earth. The unfortunate incidents of our own life, including the people close to us, is about all we can deal with well.

Merely seeing a news story about a tragedy makes that kind of incident seem more prevalent, more common, than it really is. If we only went by what we actually saw in real life, the world would not seem very dangerous.

Here's what you can do about it:

Stop tuning into any news that makes you feel helpless, distrusting, fearful, hopeless, and that doesn't give you the sense that you can do something about it. If you want to "stay up on the events of the world," try to find sources that don't create pessimism.

Pick the global problem that most bothers you and do something about it. If you think there's nothing you can do, then first cure yourself of your own pessimism. The resources on this web site can help you (see links below).

Share this page with people you know. And if someone emails you some bad news, tell the person about this page.

If a friend of yours seems pessimistic, help her or him become more optimistic. Optimism does not include burying your head in the sand or in the clouds. It is a balanced look at reality. It is practical and effective. As I say in the second chapter of Self-Help Stuff That Works:

In a study by Lisa Aspinwall, PhD, at the University of Maryland, subjects read health-related information on cancer and other topics. She discovered that optimists spent more time than pessimists reading the severe risk material and they remembered more of it.

"These are people,"says Aspinwall, "who aren't sitting around wishing things were different. They believe in a better outcome, and that whatever measures they take will help them to heal."In other words, instead of having their heads in the clouds, optimistic people look. They do more than look, they seek. They aren't afraid to look into the situation because they're optimistic.

Optimism will give you the strength to confront difficult realities with open eyes. Optimism has the potential to be even more contagious than pessimism. If nothing else, optimists tend to have more energy. But there is something else: Optimism is more ethical. It is more life-giving, more enjoyable. It is more right.

If you would like some information about becoming optimistic, check out Optimism, Optimism is Healthy, Maybe It's Good, and Positive Thinking: The Next Generation. Those will get you started. In the Recommended Reading section, you'll find more resources.

If you would like some information about how to help other people become more optimistic, read Here Comes the Judge, Refuse to Flinch, and Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Go to these sites and get the email addresses of your representatives and senators and put those addresses in your address book, and write to them now and then. Urge them to vote on the bills you feel strongly about. Let them know what you think. This is an easy way to have an effect.

In some cases, a feeling of certainty can help. But there are many more circumstances where it is better to feel uncertain. Strange but true.
Blind Spots

When some people get smacked around by life, they give in and let life run them over. But some people have a fighting spirit. What's the difference between these two and why does it make a difference? Find out here.
Fighting Spirit

Learn how to prevent yourself from falling into the common traps we are all prone to because of the structure of the human brain:
Thoughtical Illusions

Would you like to stand as a pillar of strength during difficult times? There is a way. It takes some discipline but it is very simple.
Pillar of Strength

next: How Thinking Negatively Can Make You Feel Better

Chapter 87 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

YOU ARE KIND AND GENEROUS most of the time. But occasionally you judge, label and disapprove of people - sometimes silently in your mind, sometimes aloud, sometimes for significant reasons, sometimes for petty reasons. Judging people causes an underlying resentment that puts you in a bad mood and makes you tired. And it strains your relationships with people. The stresses from different sources in your life accumulate, and this is a source you can do without.

And no matter how you do it or what the circumstances, when you pass judgment on someone, you are very likely making an error usually committing at least one of these three forms of what cognitive scientists call distorted thinking:

1. Jumping to conclusions. We rarely know the motives or full story behind the actions a person takes, and yet we come to conclusions quickly and easily that "he's a jerk" or "she's a fool" or "how rude" or "what a freak." We condemn people far too easily.
2. Overgeneralization. A judgment normally involves summing up a complex human being in simple terms based on a few or even one instance. That's poor science and faulty thinking.
3. Overconfidence in one's own assessment. You don't really know why other people do things. And yet you hold your judgments with excessive confidence. We all do it. Overconfidence in our conclusions is a fallibility of human nature.

THESE THOUGHT MISTAKES can be corrected with practice. The technique is simple: Pay attention to your assessments of other people, and then question and criticize your judgments. Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you over-generalizing? Do you have enough knowledge to be able to make such an assessment?

Think about it rationally. Maybe you're being too hasty. Maybe you're being unnecessarily harsh. Haven't you yourself done something similar? Sure you have. But there were extenuating circumstances that at least partially excused you, weren't there? Maybe this person has reasons too, but you don't know about them. It's not only possible, it's very likely.

Question your judgments and you'll find that many of them aren't worth much, and you'll stop holding them.

And what will happen? You'll feel less stress. You'll find your relationships gently blossoming in a new way. You'll be able to talk to the person more freely. You'll be more relaxed. Conflicts will be easier to resolve because you'll be able to communicate without anger (no judgment, no anger) and without making the other person defensive (when you're not judging, people don't feel attacked, so they don't get defensive). And in the long run, less stress, anger, and frustration adds up to better health too.

Once you start paying attention to it, you may find out you're in the habit of judging people a lot. Does this make you bad and wrong? No. Only human. Judging yourself is faulty thinking too.

Question and criticize your negative judgments of people.

Do you think it is too hard to change your thinking habits? Learn the secret of personal change:
You CAN Change

On the one hand, it is healthy for you and healthy for your relationships if you give up judging people. On the other hand, don't be a doormat. Some people need to be ejected from your life. Read about the other hand here:
The Bad Apples

next: The Power of Listening