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Chapter 10

At the beginning of life, we are entirely dependant on the innate emotional programs and those of the senso-motor type. From that time onwards, the building and executing of the ad hoc programs, together with the maturation of the brain and the accumulated experience, result in the building of numerous new programs. Each of these new programs is usually a crystallization or integration of the results of the repeated execution of similar ad hoc programs, in similar conditions and/or with a similar purpose.

The new programs are usually "stronger" or "of higher status" than those previously built - including the innate ones. In most circumstances the new programs inhibit the innate ones or actually substitute for them. Because of this difference in status, Bowlby calls them supra-plans. For the same reason, many scientists call them supra-programs or other similar names.

For instance, all the healthy newborn babies cry when slapped (and thereby clear their air channels). However, a baby that has grown a bit, and is more than a few months old, can easily learn to inhibit crying in situations where the pain involved is not too intense. Moreover, the same baby can learn to emit heart breaking cries even on occasions where he has slight or no physical pain at all. It seems that most babies try this from time to time, in order to get the desired results from caring figures.

The supra-programs are also experienced as being more powerful than the original ones. This is so, because when one becomes conscious of a conflict between programs of different kinds, the new ones and logic are frequently the winners. (Sometimes, the act of attending to the conflict is what decides which will be the victor; other times, people just remember better logical solutions.)

Most of the time the "new" programs are really a stable organization of a few of the old ones with the addition of new routines and options. The more advanced a program is, the less the weight in it of the original mode of operation and the more parts in touch with the awareness. Consequently, the new programs seems to be less emotional and oriented more and more towards the future.

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The construction of supra-programs

The greatest number of the supra-programs are constructed "spontaneously" during growing up, mostly with the "help" of socialization11 and mainly during early childhood, but also through adolescence and young adulthood. Some are the result of relatively free experience and experiments initiated by the individual. A bigger number result from "modeling".

In most of the cases we copy the supra-programs of others because of identification and other emotional ties with them. Others are the result of our in-built tendency to absorb information embedded in the situation even if its emotional quality is neutral or nearly so.

During maturation, and more so in adulthood, an increasing number of the new versions of operating programs seem to be the result of less substantial activities. Among these which contribute an increasing share to the "pool" of "building materials" are: contemplation, imagery, passively absorbed information, learning, activations of programs in a "theoretical manner" in the imagination (without their behavioral components), etc.

The relationship between various components or steps of the new programs is more complicated and of a less rigid order than in the innate programs. The triggers that can activate them are more diverse. They seem to have more then one version each, which often differ only slightly from each other.

A small number of the programs are built as intended by "agents of socialization" as a result of their direct activity. For example, the building of a program of positive regard towards relatives results from the repeated pressure of parents applied in the irrefutable demand: "Say thank you to aunty".

The culture of mankind includes the knowledge and customs required for the intentional activities aimed at molding the innate and acquired emotional programs. Some of the activities involved do not have a name of their own. They are usually applied informally, by family members, peers, friends and other acquaintances, mainly during childhood and adolescence but also throughout life.

Other influences have more specific names like: Psychotherapy, Chemo- therapy, Education, Punishment, etc. and are usually applied by people of authority who have special status in the social system.

The main aim of these activities is to induce changes in the undesirable aspects of supra-programs in the individual. Their targets are mostly those programs that are deemed noxious, harmful or destructive for the individual, for those who are related to him, for those in authority or for the system in general.

However, the more profound results of socialization are usually quite different from those expected by the agents. In the above example, when the pressure is applied "too successfully", the results tend to be a specific program of submission, and many other non-specific ones related to manners. More often than not, the results are a general supra-program of yielding to authority and another one of avoidance of relatives. That of positive attitude to relatives is less likely to materialize as a result of this kind of intervention.

Still a smaller number of the new programs are built throughout life, as a result of deliberate learning, including the one responsible for the habit of inserting a small plastic card into a crack in the wall, in order to get a number of colored pieces of paper!

next: The Emotional Supra-Programs

Question:

Is the narcissist characterised by instabilities in all the important aspects of his life at the same time?

Answer:

A narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and Ego functions) from the reactions of his human environment to a projected, invented image called the False Self. Since no absolute control over such feedback of Narcissistic Supply is possible - it is bound to be volatile - the narcissist's view of himself and of his surroundings is correspondingly and equally volatile. As "public opinion" fluctuates, so do his self-confidence, self-esteem, generally, so does his self. Even his convictions are subject to a never-ending voting process by others.

The narcissistic personality is subject to instabilities in each and every one of its dimensions. It is the ultimate hybrid: rigidly amorphous, devoutly flexible, reliant for its sustenance on the opinion of people, whom the narcissist undervalues. A large part of this instability is subsumed under the Emotional Involvement Prevention Measures (EIPM) that I describe in the Essay. Instability is so ubiquitous, so all-pervasive, and so prevalent and dominant - that it might well be described as the ONLY stable feature of the narcissist's personality.

The narcissist does everything with one goal in mind: to attract Narcissistic Supply (attention).

An example of this kind of behaviour:

The narcissist may study a given subject diligently and in great depth in order to impress people later with this newly acquired erudition. But, having served its purpose, the narcissist lets the knowledge thus acquired evaporate. The narcissist maintains a sort of a "short-term" cell or warehouse where he stores whatever may come handy in the pursuit of Narcissistic Supply. But he is almost never really interested in what he does, studies, and experiences. From the outside, this might be perceived as instability. But think about it this way: the narcissist is constantly preparing for life's "exams" and feels that he is on a permanent trial. To forget material studied only in preparation for an examination or for a court appearance is normal. Short memory storage is a perfectly common behaviour. What sets the narcissist apart from others is the fact that for him this is a CONSTANT state of affairs and that it affects ALL his functions, not only those directly related to learning, or to emotions, or to experience, or to any single dimension of his life. Thus, the narcissist learns, remembers and forgets not in line with his real interests or hobbies, he loves and hates not the real subjects of his emotions but one dimensional, utilitarian, cartoons constructed by him. He judges, praises and condemns - all from the narrowest possible point of view: that of the potential amount of Narcissistic Supply. He asks not what he can do with the world and in it - but what can the world do for him as far as Narcissistic Supply goes. He falls in and out of love with people, workplaces, residences, vocations, hobbies, interests - because they seem to be able to provide more or less Narcissistic Supply and only because of that.

Still, narcissists belong to two broad categories: the "compensatory stability" and the "enhancing instability" types.

I. Compensatory Stability ("Classic") Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and "make these aspect/s stable". They do not really invest themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means: money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her). She is his "island of stability". To fulfil this role, she just needs to be there physically.

The narcissist is dependent upon "his" woman to maintain the stability lacking in all other areas of his life (=to compensate for his instability). Yet, emotional closeness is bound to threaten the narcissist. Thus, he is likely to distance himself from her and to remain detached and indifferent to most of her needs. Despite this cruel emotional treatment, the narcissist considers her to be a point of exit, a form of sustenance, a fountain of empowerment. This mismatch between what he wishes to receive and what he is able to give, the narcissist prefers to deny, repress and bury deep in his unconscious. This is why he is always shocked and devastated to learn of his wife's estrangement, infidelity, or divorce intentions. Possessed of no emotional depth, being completely one track minded - he cannot fathom the needs of others. In other words, he cannot empathise.

Another - even more common - case is the "career narcissist". This narcissist marries, divorces and remarries with dizzying speed. Everything in his life is in constant flux: friends, emotions, judgements, values, beliefs, place of residence, affiliations, hobbies. Everything, that is, except his work. His career is the island of compensating stability in his volatile existence. This kind of narcissist doggedly pursues it with unmitigated ambition and devotion. He perseveres in one workplace or one job, patiently, persistently and blindly climbing up the ladder or treading the career path. In his pursuit of job fulfilment and achievements, the narcissist is ruthless and unscrupulous - and, very often, most successful.

II. Enhancing Instability ("Borderline") Narcissist

The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life - by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) - he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are changing simultaneously, that they are being "unshackled", that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent "conversions", "decisions", "crises", "transformations", "developments" and "periods". They see through his pretensions and declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence.

Narcissists hate routine. When a narcissist finds himself doing the same things over and over again, he gets depressed. He oversleeps, over-eats, over-drinks and, in general, engages in addictive, impulsive, reckless, and compulsive behaviours. This is his way of re-introducing risk and excitement into what he (emotionally) perceives to be a barren life.

The problem is that even the most exciting and varied existence becomes routine after a while. Living in the same country or apartment, meeting the same people, doing essentially the same things (even with changing content) - all "qualify" as stultifying rote.

The narcissist feels entitled to more. He feels it is his right - due to his intellectual superiority - to lead a thrilling, rewarding, kaleidoscopic life. He feels entitled to force life itself, or, at least, people around him, to yield to his wishes and needs, supreme among them the need for stimulating variety.

This rejection of habit is part of a larger pattern of aggressive entitlement. The narcissist feels that the very existence of a sublime intellect (such as himself) warrants concessions and allowances by others. Standing in line is a waste of time better spent pursuing knowledge, inventing and creating. The narcissist should avail himself of the best medical treatment proffered by the most prominent medical authorities - lest the asset that he is lost to Mankind. He should not be bothered with trivial pursuits - these lowly functions are best assigned to the less gifted. The devil is in paying precious attention to detail.

Entitlement is sometimes justified in a Picasso or an Einstein. But few narcissists are either. Their achievements are grotesquely incommensurate with their overwhelming sense of entitlement and with their grandiose self-image.

Of course, the feeling of superiority often serves to mask a cancerous complex of inferiority. Moreover, the narcissist infects others with his projected grandiosity and their feedback constitutes the edifice upon which he constructs his self-esteem. He regulates his sense of self worth by rigidly insisting that he is above the madding crowd while deriving his Narcissistic Supply from this very source.

But there is a second angle to this abhorrence of the predictable. Narcissists employ a host of Emotional Involvement Prevention Measures (EIPM). Despising routine and avoiding it is one of these mechanisms. Their function is to prevent the narcissist from getting emotionally involved and, subsequently, hurt. Their application results in an "approach-avoidance repetition complex". The narcissist, fearing and loathing intimacy, stability and security - yet craving them - approaches and then avoids significant others or important tasks in a rapid succession of apparently inconsistent and disconnected behaviours.<

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next: Do Narcissists Have Emotions?

• Watch the video on Narcissist Self-Help

In the book describing the fabulous tales of the Baron Munchhausen, there is a story about how the legendary nobleman succeeded to pull himself out of a quicksand marsh - by his own hair. Such a miracle is not likely to recur. Narcissists cannot cure themselves any more than other mental patients do. It is not a question of determination or resilience. It is not a function of the time invested by the narcissist, the effort expended by him, the lengths to which he is willing to go, the depth of his commitment and his professional knowledge. All these are very important precursors and good predictors of the success of an eventual therapy. However, they are no substitute for one.

The best - really, the only way - a narcissist can help himself is by applying to a mental health professional. Even then, sadly, the prognosis and the healing prospects are dim. It seems that only time can bring on a limited remission (or, at times, aggravation of the condition). Therapy can tackle the more pernicious aspects of this disorder. It can help the patient to adapt to his condition, to accept it and to learn to conduct a more functional life with it. Learning to live with one's disorder - is a great achievement and the narcissist should be happy that even this modicum of success is, in principle, possible.

But just to get the narcissist to meet a therapist is difficult. The therapeutic situation implies a superior-inferior relationship. The therapist is supposed to help him - and, to the narcissist, this means that he is not as omnipotent as he imagines himself to be. The therapist is supposed to know more (in his field) than the narcissist - which seems to attack the second pillar of narcissism, that of omniscience. Going to a therapy (of whatever nature) implies both imperfection (something is wrong) and need (read: weakness, inferiority). The therapeutic setting (the client visits the therapist, has to be punctual and to pay for the service) - implies subservience. The process itself is also threatening: it involves transformation, losing one's identity (read: uniqueness), one's long cultivated defences. The narcissist must shed his False Self and face the world naked, defenceless, and (to his mind) pitiful. He is inadequately equipped to deal with his old hurts, traumas and unresolved conflicts. His True Self is infantile, mentally immature, frozen, incapable of fighting the almighty Superego (the inner voices). He knows this - and he recoils. Therapy forces him to finally put full, unmitigated, trust in another human being.

Moreover, the transaction implicitly offered to him is the most unappealing imaginable. He is to give up decades of emotional investment in an elaborate, adaptive and, mostly, functioning, mental hyper structure. In return, he will become "normal" - an anathema to a narcissist. Being normal, to him, means, being average, not unique, non-existent. Why should he commit himself to such a move when even happiness is not guaranteed (he sees many unhappy "normal" people around him)?

But is there anything the narcissist can do "in the meantime" "until a final decision is made"? (A typical narcissist question.)

The first step involves self-awareness. The narcissist often notices that something is wrong with him and with his life - but he never admits it. He prefers to invent elaborate constructions as to why that which is wrong with him - is really right. This is called: rationalisation or intellectualisation. The narcissist consistently convinces himself that everyone else is wrong, deficient, lacking, and incapable. He may be exceptional and made to suffer for it - but this does not mean that he is in the wrong. On the contrary, history will surely prove him right as it has done so many other idiosyncratic figures.

This is the first and, by far, the most critical step: will the narcissist admit, be forced, or convinced to concede that he is absolutely and unconditionally wrong, that something is very amiss in his life, that he is in need of urgent, professional, help and that, in the absence of such help, things will only get worse? Having crossed this Rubicon, the narcissist is more open and amenable to constructive suggestions and assistance.

The second important leap forward is when the narcissist begins to confront a REAL version of himself. A good friend, a spouse, a therapist, a parent, or a combination of these people can decide not to collaborate anymore, to stop fearing the narcissist and acquiescing in his folly. Then they come out with the truth. They demolish the grandiose image that "runs" the narcissist. They no longer succumb to his whims or accord him a special treatment. They reprimand him when needed. They disagree with him and show him why and where he is mistaken. In short: they deprive him of many of his Narcissistic Supply Sources. They refuse to take part in the elaborate game that is the narcissist's soul. They rebel.

The third Do It Yourself element would involve the decision to go to therapy and to commit to it. This is a tough decision. The narcissist must not decide to embark on therapy only because he is (currently) feeling bad (mostly, following a life crisis), or because he is subjected to pressure, or because he wants to get rid of a few disturbing issues while preserving the awesome totality. His attitude to the therapist must not be judgemental, cynical, critical, disparaging, competitive, or superior. He must not view the therapy as a contest or a tournament. There are many winners in therapy - but only one loser if it fails. He must decide not to try to co-opt the therapist, or buy him out, or threaten him, or humiliate him. In short: he must adopt a humble frame of mind, open to the new experience of encountering one's self. Finally, he must decide to be constructively and productively active in his own therapy, to assist the therapist without condescending, to provide information without distorting, to try to change without consciously resisting.

The end of therapy is really only the beginning of a new, more exposed life. Maybe it is this, which terrifies the narcissist.

The narcissist can get better, but rarely does he get well ("heal"). The reason is the narcissist's enormous life-long, irreplaceable and indispensable emotional investment in his disorder. It serves two critical functions, which together maintain the precariously balanced house of cards called the narcissist's personality. His disorder endows the narcissist with a sense of uniqueness, of "being special" - and it provides him with a rational explanation of his behaviour (an "alibi").

Most narcissists reject the notion or diagnosis that they are mentally disturbed. Absent powers of introspection and a total lack of self-awareness are part and parcel of the disorder. Pathological narcissism is founded on alloplastic defences - the firm conviction that the world or others are to blame for one's behaviour. The narcissist firmly believes that people around him should be held responsible for his reactions or have triggered them. With such a state of mind so firmly entrenched, the narcissist is incapable of admitting that something is wrong with HIM.

But that is not to say that the narcissist does not experience his disorder.

He does. But he re-interprets this experience. He regards his dysfunctional behaviours - social, sexual, emotional, mental - as conclusive and irrefutable proof of his superiority, brilliance, distinction, prowess, might, or success. Rudeness to others is reinterpreted as efficiency. Abusive behaviours are cast as educational. Sexual absence as proof of preoccupation with higher functions. His rage is always justified and a reaction to injustice or to being misunderstood by intellectual dwarves.

Thus, paradoxically, the disorder becomes an integral and inseparable part of the narcissist's inflated self-esteem and vacuous grandiose fantasies.

His False Self (the pivot of his pathological narcissism) is a self-reinforcing mechanism. The narcissist thinks that he is unique BECAUSE he has a False Self. His False Self IS the centre of his "specialness". Any therapeutic "attack" on the integrity and functioning of the False Self constitutes a threat to the narcissist's ability to regulate his wildly fluctuating sense of self-worth and an effort to "reduce" him to other people's mundane and mediocre existence.

The few narcissists that are willing to admit that something is terribly wrong with them, displace their alloplastic defences. Instead of blaming the world, other people, or circumstances beyond their control - they now blame their "disease". Their disorder becomes a catch-all, universal explanation for everything that is wrong in their lives and every derided, indefensible and inexcusable behaviour. Their narcissism becomes a "licence to kill", a liberating force which sets them outside human rules and codes of conduct. Such freedom is so intoxicating and empowering that it is difficult to give up.

The narcissist is emotionally attached to only one thing: his disorder. The narcissist loves his disorder, desires it passionately, cultivates it tenderly, is proud of its "achievements" (and in my case, I make a living off it). His emotions are misdirected. Where normal people love others and empathise with them, the narcissist loves his False Self and identifies with it to the exclusion of all else - his True Self included.

next: The Unstable Narcissist

Many men and women live insulated, mechanical lives and may not have any friends who truly know or understand them.

An Excerpt from BirthQuake: A Journey to Wholeness

Leslie died on a February morning, leaving Doug feeling colder inside than the frigid arctic air outside his bedroom window. For months after her death, he functioned mechanically in a world that seemed meaningless and empty.

They'd been married for twenty-seven years. She'd been beautiful when he first met her with big, dark, dancing eyes and curly auburn hair. She reminded him of a young thoroughbred. She'd been energetic and playful and yet graceful and unconsciously elegant at the same time. He, at twenty- six, felt like a man of the world in the company of this vibrant girl-woman. They married within a year after meeting and moved to a New England city where the rewards of his promising career as an engineer began to materialize as planned. They purchased a stately Victorian complete with a victory garden and had a son within their first two years together. Their life proceeded in a normal and satisfactory fashion. She was involved in community projects, as well as in the lives of her family and friends. He was engaged in the earnest pursuit of financial security and social respectability and was reasonably content.

Doug can't describe his inner life before Leslie's death without sounding vague and hazy. "Leslie was the one with the inner life. She had so many interests and felt great passion about people and ideas. I just sort of moved through my life calmly and methodically. My life had an order and, in retrospect, a sterility to it. She was by far much more interesting. She was the messy one. Everyone loved her."

Doug came to eventually recognize after Leslie's death how insulated his life had been. He'd had acquaintances with whom he worked, socialized, and played golf, and yet not a single person other than Leslie had ever truly known him. He'd been somewhat numb for the first few months after the funeral, but then was confronted with a despair that threatened to overwhelm him. "Leslie was my best friend --the only person in the world I had ever allowed myself to need, and she was gone. I truly felt that I had nothing to live for. I'd heard that it's common for someone to die within a year after their spouse; well, I was ready, and yet, damn, I was too young. We were supposed to grow old together, and I hadn't even reached retirement age. I felt so heavy from my grief, I could barely move my body. I was walking around like an old man."

Doug suffered profoundly and in silence. One day Marty, a co-worker who had for years been trying to talk Doug into attending a men's group with him, finally succeeded. "I was really uncomfortable at first, but as I listened to these men talk, I began to see myself. This one guy was expressing his frustration with his wife's failure to be organized. My eyes filled with tears. The words he'd confronted his wife with were the very same words with which I'd admonished Leslie. Marty noticed I was having a hard time, and he reached over and started to rub my shoulder. I hadn't been touched in a very long time, and I couldn't remember ever being physically comforted by a man. It felt awkward and yet good." Doug returned to the men's group and soon found himself looking forward to the meetings. He became increasingly aware of how difficult it is in our culture for men to connect with one another. He began to look at how he'd distanced himself from his son, in particular, and resolved to attempt to repair his relationship with his only child. He began reading about men's issues and participating in workshops conducted by experts in the field. At the age of 56 he found himself attending graduate school part-time taking courses in psychology. At 59, he was co-facilitating men's groups and writing poetry. At 61 he was living in a house with eight other non-related adults committed to community living. Doug recently shared:

"A major transformation occurred for me after attending a weekend retreat which focused on spiritual living. I went at the request of my son. I had no personal interest but felt as though it might afford me the opportunity to do some father/son bonding. It did that but more importantly, I was able to bond with an inner source that had been available to me all along. I was just never aware of it before. I'm more than just satisfied with my life now. I find it exciting! I have intimate relationships, adventures to look forward to, and a deeply rewarding spiritual life finally."

next:Calling Forth The Soul

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Question:

Are there any compulsive acts typical only to a narcissist? 

Answer:

The short and the long of it is: no. In general, there is a strong compulsive strand in the narcissist's behaviour. He is driven to exorcise internal demons by means of ritualistic acts. The narcissist's very pursuit of Narcissistic Supply is compulsive. The narcissist seeks to recreate and reenact old traumas, ancient, unresolved conflicts with figures of (primary) importance in his life.

The narcissist feels that he is "bad" and diffusely guilty and that, therefore, he should be punished. So, he makes sure that he is disciplined. These cycles possess the tint and hue of compulsion. In many respects, narcissism can be defined as an all-pervasive obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The narcissist is faced with difficult conditions in his childhood: either neglect, abandonment, capriciousness, arbitrariness, strictness, sadistic behaviour, abuse (physical, psychological, or verbal) - or doting, "annexation" and "appropriation" by a narcissistic and frustrated parent.

The narcissist develops a unique defence mechanism: a story, a narrative, another self. This False Self is possessed of all the qualities that can insulate the child from an ominous and hostile world. It is perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. In short: it is divine.

The narcissist develops a private religion with the False Self at its centre. It is replete with rites, mantras, scriptures, and spiritual and physical exercises. The child worships this new deity. He succumbs to what he perceives to be its wishes and its needs. He makes sacrifices of Narcissistic Supply to it. He is awed by it because it possesses many of the traits of the hallowed tormentors, the parents.

The child reduces his True Self, minimises it. He is looking to appease the new Divinity - not to incur its wrath. He does so by adhering to strict schedules, ceremonies, by reciting texts, by self-imposition of self-discipline. Hitherto, the child is transformed into the servant of his False Self. Daily, he caters to its needs and offers to it Narcissistic Supply. And he is rewarded for his efforts: he feels elated when in compliance with the creed, he emulates the characteristics of this entity.

Suffused with Narcissistic Supply, his False Self content, the child feels omnipotent, untouchable, invulnerable, immune to threats and insults and omniscient. On the other hand, when Narcissistic Supply is lacking - the child feels guilty, miserable, and unworthy. The Superego then takes over: sadistic, ominous, cruel, suicidal - it chastises the child for having failed, for having sinned, for being guilty. It demands a self-inflicted penalty to cleanse, to atone, to let go.

Caught between these two deities - the False Self and the Superego - the child is compulsively forced to seek Narcissistic Supply. Success in this pursuit holds both promises: an emotional reward and protection from the murderous Superego.

Throughout, the child maintains the rhythms of regenerating his conflicts and traumas in order to try and resolve them. Such resolution can be either in the form of punishment or in the form of healing. But since healing means letting go of his system of beliefs and deities - the child is more likely to choose punishment.

The narcissist strives to reenact old traumas and open old wounds. For instance, he behaves in ways that make people abandon him. Or he becomes rebellious in order to be chastised by figures of authority. Or he engages in criminal or antisocial activities. These types of self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours are in permanent interaction with the False Self.

The False Self breeds compulsive acts. The narcissist seeks for his Narcissistic Supply compulsively. He wants to be punished compulsively. He generates resentment or hatred, switches sexual partners, becomes eccentric, writes articles and makes scientific discoveries - all compulsively. There is no joy in his life or in his actions. Just relieved anxiety, the moment of liberation and soothing protection that he enjoys following a compulsive act.

As pressure builds inside the narcissist, threatening the precarious balance of his personality, something inside warns him that danger is imminent. He reacts by developing an acute anxiety, which can be alleviated only with a compulsive act. If this act fails to materialise, the emotional outcome can be anything from absolute terror to deep-set depression.

The narcissist knows that his very life is at stake, that in his Superego lurks a mortal enemy. He knows that only his False Self stands between him and his Superego (the True Self is warped, depleted, immature and dilapidated). The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an obsessive-compulsive disorder writ large.

Narcissists are characterized by reckless and impulsive behaviours: binge eating, compulsive shopping, pathological gambling, drinking, reckless driving. But what sets them apart from non-narcissistic compulsives is twofold:

1. With the narcissist, the compulsive acts constitute a part of a larger "grandiose" picture. If a narcissist shops - it is in order to build up a unique collection. If he gambles - it is to prove right a method that he has developed or to demonstrate his amazing mental or psychic powers. If he climbs mountains or races cars - it is to establish new records and if he binges - it is part of constructing a universal diet or bodybuilding and so on. The narcissist never does simple, straightforward things - these are too mundane, not sufficiently grandiose. He invents a contextual narrative in order to lend outstanding proportions, perspectives, and purpose to his most common acts, including the compulsive ones. Where the regular compulsive patient feels that the compulsive act restores his control over himself and over his life - the narcissist feels that the compulsive act restores his control over his environment and secures his future Narcissistic Supply.
2. With the narcissist, the compulsive acts enhance the reward - penalty cycle. At their inception and for as long as they are committed - they reward the narcissist emotionally in the ways described above. But they also provide him with fresh ammunition against himself. His Sins of indulgence lead the narcissist down the path of yet another self-inflicted punishment.

Finally, "normal" compulsions are usually effectively treatable. The (behaviourist or cognitive-behavioural) therapist reconditions the patient and helps him get rid of his constricting rituals. This works only partly with the narcissist. His compulsive acts are merely an element in his complicated personality. They are the sick tips of very abnormal icebergs. Shaving them off does nothing to ameliorate the narcissist's titanic inner struggle.

next: Can a Narcissist Help Himself ?

There are specific things that survivors can do to prepare themselves to take advantage of the situation of being triggered in order to process their feelings and memories. By giving themselves permission in advance to stop, if necessary, they can also protect themselves if they are already overloaded, if it is currently unsafe to process, or if they are not able to be supported or support themselves sufficiently at the time.

If a survivor is currently vulnerable, yet wishes to use the opportunity triggerous material provides to process, s/he should prepare for that possibility:

• Make sure you are in a comfortable situation;
• Keep your journal, a drawing pad, reprogramming worksheets, comforting toys and some tissues handy. It is often helpful to keep a positive or inspiring object, image or guardian "icon" visible, something that reminds you of your desire to heal.
• Remind yourself of your positive motives and possible short-term consequences, and your reasons for risking them. It is often helpful to make some message signs (block letters, so kid alters or vulnerable inner child state can read them). For example:

  This story may trigger my feelings and/or memories. I can stop reading if I need to. If I am very upset, I can __________ until I feel better, (Fill in the blank with what works best for you, for example, "listen to some music", "hold my teddy bear", "call a friend", "write in my journal", "yell, and pound on a pillow", "mash some clay", "draw ugly pictures", etc)

  I am choosing to read so that I can heal by honoring and comforting my pain. I do not want to add more pain through self-punishment in the present. I am willing to release old pain, but I do not want to become confused by it so that I think I need to be hurt anymore.

• Be aware that narratives can sometimes open up associated memory fragments (a memory "bank") which can seem mixed, confused or contradictory. Remember, you have time to sort out all of the pieces. Things are not always as they first appear. Trust your feelings as valid to your experience.
• Remember to ask yourself, "If I knew a child who just experienced what I am remembering or feeling, what would he or she need to feel comforted?" Then provide for yourself as best you are able.

The key to healing of the adult is the healing of the child.

next:  Switching Characteristics

Thoughtful quotes about loneliness and solitude.

Words of Wisdom

"Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self. (May Sarton)

"Being alone is a markedly different experience than being lonely." (author unknown)

"People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges." (Joseph F. Newton)

"For loneliness is but cutting adrift from our moorings and floating out to the open sea; an opportunity for finding ourselves, our real selves, what we are about, where we are heading during our little time on this beautiful earth." (Anne Shannon Monroe)

"It would do the world good if every man would compel himself occasionally to be absolutely alone. Most of the world's progress has come out of such loneliness." (Bruce Barton)

"This feeling of being lonely and very temporary visitors in the universe is in flat contradiction to everything known about man (and all other living organisms) in the sciences. We do not 'come into' this world; we come out of it, as leaves from a tree." (Alan Watts)

next: Love/Marriage

Important Precautions for Bipolar Disorder Patients

Be aware of the possible need for immediate help. People with bipolar disorder - as well as their loved ones - should be aware that there are times when medical attention may be needed immediately. This may mean calling 911 or going to an emergency room. Here are some examples of behaviors that may mean that a person with bipolar disorder is out of control and in need of immediate professional medical care.

• Having thoughts or making plans for taking one's own life
• Doing things to hurt one's self
• Acting violently toward people, pets, or property
• Not eating
• Unable to care for self

Get help for alcohol or substance abuse problems. More than 60 percent of people with bipolar disorder also suffer from alcohol or drug abuse problems. There is some evidence to support the following theories about the relationship between alcohol and drug abuse and bipolar disorder.

• That bipolar disorder may make a person more likely to use and abuse drugs and alcohol.
• That alcoholism or drug abuse may trigger the development of bipolar disorder in someone predisposed to bipolar disorder because of genetic makeup.
• That bipolar disorder, alcoholism, and substance abuse may have a common biochemical or genetic cause.

Alcohol and drug abuse can have a disastrous affect on anyone's life. When a person with bipolar disorder is addicted to alcohol or drugs, studies have shown that a variety of problems are likely to result, including:

• More recurrences and hospitalization
• Poor compliance with medication
• Poorer socialization and job success
• Higher rates of suicide

Problems with drugs or alcohol are not easy to admit. Sometimes the person does not even realize he or she has a problem that needs addressing. Talking to a health-care professional about possible problems with alcohol or drugs is an important first step to getting help.

Be aware of the risk of suicide. Having suicidal thoughts or behaviors is the most dangerous emergency situation for someone with bipolar disorder. The facts about bipolar disorder and suicide are grim, but people with bipolar disorder and their loved ones should be aware of them.

Approximately 25 percent of people with bipolar disorder attempt suicide at some time during their lives.

Approximately 11 percent of people with bipolar disorder commit suicide. Suicide prevention involves decreasing access to the means to commit suicide and increasing access to support systems (health-care professionals, family members, and friends).

Be sure the doctor who treats your bipolar disorder knows about any other medical conditions you have. Prescription drug treatment of bipolar disorder must be safely and effectively coordinated with the treatment you receive for other medical conditions. In particular, be sure to let your doctor know if you have or are being treated for:

• Obesity
• Diabetes mellitus
• High cholesterol
• Heart, liver, kidney, or lung disease
• Cancer
• Thyroid disorder
• HIV infection

Learn to recognize early warning signs of mania (severely elevated mood) recurrence. It is wise to get medical attention early if you think you are heading for an episode of mania. Seeing a healthcare professional early can help to ensure that you get adequate treatment as early as possible in the course of an episode.

There are many signs and symptoms that a person with bipolar disorder may experience if he or she is heading for an episode of mania. These are called "prodromal" signs and symptoms, and they vary from person to person.

Prodromal means that these signs and symptoms are sometimes experienced or observed before the onset of an actual manic episode. Studies have found that certain prodromal signs and symptoms are more common before an episode of mania. These are listed below.

Mania - common prodromal signs and symptoms:

• Sleeping less or lack of interest in sleep
• Engaging in impulsive activities
• Having racing thoughts
• Acting more irritable than usual
• Becoming excited easily or feeling restless
• Spending recklessly
• Extreme change in weight or appetite

It is not always easy to recognize signs and symptoms in yourself. Do your best to pay attention to what your mind and body are telling you. If things do not seem right, tell someone. Make sure the person is someone you can trust to ensure you receive prompt medical attention.

next: Bipolar 'Mixed' State
~ bipolar disorder library
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Chapter 35 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

ACCORDING TO THE INTERNATIONAL Listening Association, within twenty-four hours, we forget half of any information we've heard. Forty-eight hours later, we've forgotten 75 percent of it. And we don't grasp everything we hear in the first place. But these numbers change when what we hear is repeated. And the more it's repeated, the better the numbers look.

All this has a huge bearing on how you make changes in your life. You change your behavior by changing the way you think. But the way you think is as ingrained and habitual and as resistant to change as any physical habit.

So learning new ways of thinking and behaving - and learning them well enough to actually make a difference requires repetition. If, for example, you find a book that really makes a difference to you, read it again and again. Make it an annual event. Every time you read it, you'll come across things you'd forgotten about.

Audiotapes are ideal for repetition. Listen to tapes in your car and traffic jams will be transformed from an annoyance to an extended opportunity to improve the quality of your life.

Telling your friends about something you've learned helps cement the new information in your mind. The more you share it, the better you learn it. The effort and concentration it requires to explain something to someone makes it clearer in your own mind and more permanent.

There are always so many new books, new tapes, new shows, new ideas, new information we know we'll never get to it all, but our curiosity constantly pulls us toward it. But keep this in mind: Most of that new stuff isn't very good. And even less applies to your situation. So when you come across something that is good and does apply to your situation, hold onto it. Reread it. When you come across a good chapter in this book that applies to you, read it again in a month. Write a letter to someone and explain the idea to them and how you used it and how it worked. Post it on your refrigerator. Read it onto a tape and listen to it in your car. Keep it in your life. Repetition makes a difference.

With repetition you can take a fleeting hope sparked by a good idea and turn it into an actual change in your life. Instead of that possibility fading with your memory, it can grow stronger and stronger until your life is changed for the better. The distance between hope and actuality is crossed by repetition.

To turn good ideas into real change, use repetition.

What do you and Hitler have in common? And how can you use that knowledge to make changes in your life more permanent? Find out right here:
Personal Propaganda

In the second chapter of Self-Help Stuff That Works is a chapter that tells you exactly how to take these principles and make solid, lasting changes in your life. Check it out:
How to Use This Book

How can you take the insights from cognitive science and make your life have less negative emotion in it? Here's another article on the same subject but with a different angle:
Argue With Yourself and Win!

The meaning of an event is not written in stone. Whether someone's nasty comment means you're worthless or whether it means the person is a jerk is largely up to you, and when you change the meaning of an event, it changes the way you feel about it. Find out how:
Master the Art of Making Meaning

next: Be All You Can Be