Question:

Do narcissists have friends?

Answer:

Not in the usual sense of the word and not that they know of. The narcissist is one track minded. He is interested in securing the provision of Narcissistic Supply emanating from Narcissistic Supply Sources. His world is as narrow as an ant's, to borrow a poetic turn of phrase (from the Hebrew lyrical poetess, Rachel). This narrowness also characterises the narcissist's human and interpersonal relationships. The narcissist is not interested in people as such. Incapable of empathising, he is a solipsist, recognising only himself as human. All others are to him three dimensional cartoons, tools and instruments in the tedious and Sisyphean task of generating and consuming Narcissistic Supply. He over-values them (when they are judged to be potential sources of such supply), uses them, devalues them (when no longer able to supply him) and discards them nonchalantly. This behaviour pattern tends to alienate and to distance people from him. Gradually, the social circle of the narcissist dwindles (and ultimately vanishes). People around him who were not estranged by the ugly succession of his acts and attitudes are rendered desperate and fatigued by the turbulent nature of the narcissist's life. The few figures still loyal to him, gradually abandon him because they can no longer withstand and tolerate the ups and downs of his career, his moods, his confrontations and conflicts with authority, his financial state and the state of his emotional affairs. The narcissist is a human roller coaster while fun for a limited time, he is impossible to be with in the long run.

This is one example of the process of narcissistic confinement.

Another example:

Ever sensitive to outside opinion, the narcissist's behaviour, choices, acts, attitudes, beliefs, interests, in short: his very life is curtailed by it. The narcissist derives his Ego functions from observing his reflection in other people's eyes. Gradually, he homes in on the right mixture of texts and actions, which elicit Narcissistic Supply from his environment. Anything which might however remotely endanger the availability, or the quantity of this supply is censored. The narcissist avoids certain situations (for instance: where he is likely to encounter opposition, or criticism, or competition). He refrains from certain activities and actions (which are incompatible with his projected False Self). He employs a host ofEmotional Involvement Prevention Measures (EIPMs). He become rigid, repetitive, predictable, boring, confined to "safe subjects" (such as, endlessly, himself) and to "safe conduct", hysterical, and raging (when confronted with unexpected situations or with the slightest objection to his preconceived course of action). The narcissistic rage is not so much a reaction to offended grandiosity as it is a panic reaction. The narcissist maintains a precarious balance, a mental house of cards, poised on a precipice. His equilibrium is so delicate that anything can upset it: a casual remark, a disagreement, a slight criticism, a hint, or a fear. The narcissist magnifies it all into monstrous, ominous, proportions. To avoid these (not so imagined) threats the narcissist prefers to "stay at home". He limits his social intercourse. He abstains from daring, trying, venturing. He is crippled. This, indeed, is the very essence of the malignancy that is at the heart of narcissism: the fear of flying.

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next The Narcissist's Victims

How family therapy for bipolar disorder reduces bipolar relapse rates and improves medication compliance.

Multiple medications are available to stabilize acute symptoms of bipolar I disorder. Unfortunately, even when these medication regimens are maximized, patients still are at substantial risk for symptom recurrence. In a significant number of patients with bipolar I disorder, symptoms recur within two years, and approximately one half of patients have significant inter-episode symptoms. In addition, patients with bipolar disorder who receive mood stabilizers often have significantly impaired work, family, and social relationships after their acute symptoms have resolved. This information led the National Institute of Mental Health to recommend that research in bipolar disorder concentrate on developing adjuvant psychosocial interventions. The primary objective for this adjuvant therapy is to prevent bipolar relapses, reduce interepisode symptoms, and encourage consistency with medication use. One such adjuvant treatment that has shown promise is family therapy. Miklowitz and colleagues evaluated a family-focused therapy program for patients with bipolar disorder to determine its impact on the period of remission, mood symptoms, and medication compliance.

This randomized controlled study involved patients with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, including manic, mixed, or depressed episodes, within the past three months. These diagnoses were established using criteria from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 3d ed., rev. Study participants were living with or had regular contact with a care-giving family member. Patients were randomized to receive family-focused therapy along with pharmacotherapy, or crisis management intervention and pharmacotherapy. The family-focused therapy, which consisted of 21 sessions over nine months, included psychoeducation, communication training, and problem-solving--skills training involving all family members. The crisis management intervention consisted of two one-hour, home-based sessions within the first two months, followed by availability to receive crisis intervention on an as-needed basis. Main outcome measures included time to relapse, depressive and manic symptoms, and medication adherence. Outcome assessments were performed every three to six months for two years.

There were 101 patients who met inclusion criteria for the study. The family-focused therapy and crisis management groups had similar rates of study completion. Patients enrolled in the family-focused therapy group had significantly fewer relapses and longer survival intervals compared with patients in the crisis management group. In addition, the family-focused therapy group had a greater reduction in mood disorders. With regard to medication compliance, the two groups were similar at the start of the study but, over time, patients in the family-focused therapy group had significantly better rates of compliance.

The authors conclude that combining family psychoeducation with pharmacotherapy in the treatment of bipolar disorder after an acute episode reduces relapse rates and improves symptoms and medication compliance. They add that psychosocial interventions are no substitute for pharmacotherapy but may augment therapy with mood stabilizers.

Miklowitz DJ, et al. A randomized study of family-focused psychoeducation and pharmacotherapy in the outpatient management of bipolar disorder. Arch Gen Psychiatry September 2003;60:904-12.

Source: American Family Physician, American Academy of Family Physicians, June 2004.

next: Advice to Children from Other Children
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

Thoughtful quotes about nature.

Words of Wisdom

"Cutting down a tree before its time is like killing a soul." (author unknown)

"Nature never did betray the heart that loved her." (William Wordsworth)

"This feeling of being lonely and very temporary visitors in the universe is in flat contradiction to everything known about man (and all other living organisms) in the sciences. We do not 'come into' the world; we come out of it, as leaves from a tree." (Alan Watts)

"The more lightly we walk on this earth the more she gives to us." (Rich Heffern)

"My father considered a walk among the mountains as the equivalent of churchgoing." (Aldous Huxley)

"Never does nature say one thing and wisdom another." (Author unknown)

"An echo is nature's instant reply." (author unknown)

"We are bleeding at the roots, because we are cut off from the earth and sun and stars, and love is a grinning mockery, because, poor blossom, we plucked it from its stem on the tree of Life, and expected it to keep on blooming in our civilized vase on the table." (D. H. Lawrence)

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"Earth, with her thousand voices, praises God." (Samuel Taylor Coleridge)

"The world has enough for every man's need but not enough for every man's greed." (Gandhi)

"The real miracle is not to walk on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth." (Thich Nhat Hanh)

"Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth. Man does not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself." (Chief Seattle)

"The first step in the ecological journey is to fall in love with the beauty of this place, so that we will defend it and liberate it when justice threatens and abuses it." (Mathew Fox)

"If we are to restore some kind of balance to the relationship between population and earth resources, we will have to find ways to shift human beings from the present retreat from individual responsibility to a recognition of just how creative and significant each individual can be." (Margaret Mead)

"I only went out for a walk, and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in." (John Muir)

next: Opportunity

• Watch the video on The False Modesty of the Narcissist

Question:

I met many narcissists who were modest - even overly so. This seems to conflict with your observations. How do you reconcile the two? 

Answer:

The "modesty" displayed by narcissists is false. It is mostly and merely verbal. It is couched in flourishing phrases, emphasised to absurdity, repeated unnecessarily - usually to the point of causing gross inconvenience to the listener. The real aim of such behaviour and its subtext are exactly the opposite of common modesty. It is intended either to aggrandise the narcissist or to protect his grandiosity from scrutiny and possible erosion. Such modest outbursts precede inflated, grandiosity-laden statements made by the narcissist and pertaining to fields of human knowledge and activity in which he is sorely lacking. Devoid of systematic and methodical education, the narcissist tries to make do with pompous, or aggressive mannerisms, bombastic announcements, and the unnecessary and wrong usage of professional jargon. He attempts to dazzle his surroundings with apparent "brilliance" and to put possible critics on the defence. Beneath all this he is shallow, devoid of real knowledge, improvising, and fearful of being exposed as deceitful. The narcissist is a conjurer of verbosity, using sleight of mouth rather than sleight of hand. He is ever possessed of the inner sensation that he is really a petty crook about to be unearthed and reviled by society.

This is a horrible feeling to endure and a taxing, onerous way to live. The narcissist has to protect himself from his own intimation, internal on-going trial, guilt feeling and anxiety. One of the more efficacious defence mechanisms is false modesty. The narcissist declares himself unfit, unworthy, lacking, not trained and not (formally) schooled, not objective, cognisant of his own shortcomings and vain. This way, if (rather, when) exposed he could always say: "But I told you so in the first place, haven't I?" False modesty is, thus, a hedging mechanism. The narcissist "insures his bets" by placing a side bet on his own fallibility, weakness, deficiencies and proneness to err.

 

Yet another function is to extract Narcissistic Supply from the listener. By contrasting a belittling and reducing statement about himself with a brilliant, dazzling display of ingenuity, wit, intellect, knowledge, or beauty - the narcissist intends to secure an adoring, admiring, approving, or applauding protestation from the listener. The person to whom the falsely modest statement is directed is expected to vehemently deny the narcissist's claims: "But, really, you know much more than you pretend to know", or "Why did you say that you are unable to do (this or that)? Truly, you are very gifted at it!" The narcissist then shrugs his shoulders, smirks, blushes and moves uncomfortably from side to side. This was not his intention, he assures his correspondent. He did not mean to fish for compliments (exactly what he did mean to do). He really does not deserve the praise. But the aim has, thus, been achieved: the Narcissistic Supply has been granted and avidly consumed. Despite the narcissist's protestations, he feels much better now.

The narcissist is a dilettante and a charlatan. He glosses over complicated subjects and situations in life. He sails through them powered by shallow acquaintance with rapidly acquired verbal and behavioural vocabularies (which he then promptly proceeds to forget). False modesty is only one of a series of false behaviour patterns. The narcissist is a pathological liar, either implicitly or explicitly. His whole existence is a derivative of a False Self, a deceitful invention and its reflections. With false modesty he seeks to implicate others in his mind games, to co-opt them, to force them to collaborate while making ultimate use of social conventions of conduct. The narcissist, above all, is a shrewd manipulator of human character and its fault lines. He will never admit to this. In this sense he is verily modest.

 

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next: Narcissistic Confinement

 

Parents can learn how to create an emotional bond with your child that will last a lifetime.

One of the most powerful tools parents have for raising their children is the natural emotional bond that exists between them and their child. Children who feel close to their parents will have a strong desire to obey them. No child with this type of connection to his parents will want to risk hurting that connection by disobeying them. When such a relationship exists, the mere look of dissatisfaction on the face of a parent will usually be enough to curb inappropriate behavior. This bond is so strong and so potent that it lasts even though adolescence when most of the disciplinary tools at our disposal are ineffective. Often, it is the only tool we have in guiding our teenage children. Parents who do not have such a connection with their children have lost a vital resource necessary for successful parenting.

In addition, this bond is essential for the child's emotional stability. A recent psychology experiment studied people in their forties, whose parents were emotionally distant from them. These people were often depressed and lacked a sense of emotional well-being. They had more difficulty in adjusting to the work environment and new social situations.

How do you develop this type of loving bond with your child?

It begins in your child's infancy and is built by giving your child the love and affection that he needs.

Many well-meaning mothers are completely unaware that their own children are suffering from the lack of physical touch. There are many reasons for this. Most people associate deprived children as those who are neglected, abused, or chronically ill. However, the truth is that many of our children who come from good homes are not getting the physical warmth and love that they need. In our two-income society, unaffectionate caretakers, who provide for the child's physical needs with as little warm and contact as possible, often raise children. Also, many of us did not receive enough physical love and warmth as children. As a result, it is not natural to us to cuddle, coo, kiss, and love our children affectionately. In addition, some children naturally need more physical warmth. These touch-deprived children fill our schools. They are the ones who often look sad and depressed, suffering from not getting their physical needs for contact.

The United States is one of the richest countries in the history of the world. Yet, our children, in general, are touch starved. We are busy with our lives and our careers. We often raise our children in broken homes. We as parents are suffering under the burden of so much physical and emotional stress, that we are often just glad to make it through the day without hitting or screaming at our children. Who has time to give them affection? Yet, this is what our children crave most from us. We fill our houses with toys and things for our children, but it is us that they really need.

There is much talk about the generation gap. We all know that adolescents naturally rebel. Sometimes we look at our little children and wonder what is going to be in ten years when this cute little four-year-old turns fourteen. Will he be one of the children who abuses drugs? Is he going to steal? Is he going to do worse? What is going to be?

Giving Your Child Warmth and Love

You need to take the time now, and give your child the physical warmth and love that your child needs. If you build strong bonds of love with your child now, while he is still young, then all these problems that you read about, will be just that; things that you read about. You will not experience these problems in your own home, because you have developed a strong relationship with your child.

Anthony Kane, MD is a physician, an international lecturer, and director of special education. He is the author of a book, numerous articles, and a number of online courses dealing with ADHD, ODD, parenting issues, and education.

News about news from Adam Khan, author of the new book, Self-Help Stuff That Works

THE CENTER FOR MEDIA and Public Affairs did a study on network coverage of murder. Between 1990 and 1995, the murder rate in this country went down 13 percent. But during that same period, network coverage of murders increased 300 percent. If you happened to watch a lot of news during that period, you would probably have gotten the impression that murders in America were escalating out of control, when in fact that situation was improving.

A research team edited news programs into three categories: Negative, neutral, or upbeat. People were randomly assigned to watch one category of news. The ones who watched the negative news became more depressed, more anxious about the world in general, and they had a greater tendency to exaggerate the magnitude or importance of their own personal worries.

It is a fact that feelings of helplessness and hopelessness cause depression and the health problems related to depression. And studies have shown that the greater majority of network news is about people with no control over their tragedy. "What the evening news is telling you," said Christopher Peterson, one of the first researchers to show that pessimism negatively affects health, "is that bad things happen, they hit at random, and there's nothing you can do about it." That is a formula for pessimism, cynicism, and a generally negative attitude toward the world and the future.

In one study of network news, 71 percent of news stories were about people who had very little control over their fate. This is neither an accurate or a helpful perspective on the world. Highly trained professionals scour the world to find stories like that and the way the stories are presented gives the impression that those kinds of events are more common than they really are.

Professor of psychiatry Redford Williams suggests asking yourself these two questions when you're watching or reading the news:

1. Is this important to me?
2. Is there anything useful I can do about it?

If you answer no to either of those questions, change the channel or find something better to read.

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In some cases, a feeling of certainty can help. But there are many more circumstances where it is better to feel uncertain. Strange but true.
Blind Spots

When some people get smacked around by life, they give in and let life run them over. But some people have a fighting spirit. What's the difference between these two and why does it make a difference? Find out here.
Fighting Spirit

Learn how to prevent yourself from falling into the common traps we are all prone to because of the structure of the human brain:
Thoughtical Illusions

Would you like to stand as a pillar of strength during difficult times? There is a way. It takes some discipline but it is very simple.
Pillar of Strength

next: A Friend in Deed

Chapter 22 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

NOELLE CAME TO WORK worried about her roommate, Jana, who didn't come home the night before and didn't call. That wasn't like Jana, and Noelle was worried.

But Noelle's worry did not benefit Jana, and it harmed Noelle. Worry put stress hormones into her bloodstream, which isn't healthy. It suppressed her immune system. If she worries a lot, it will damage the inside of her arteries, which can end in a heart attack or stroke many years hence. Needless worry is a cost without a benefit. And it's not pleasant.

If you are worrying and want to stop, first ask yourself if there's anything you're going to do about the situation. If not, then start wondering what good things might be happening. Do not try to stop worrying.

Research by Daniel Wegner, PhD, of the University of Virginia has repeatedly shown that trying to suppress thoughts only results in thinking the thought more. If you try to suppress a thought hard enough, that thought can become an obsession.

Try to stop worrying and you'll worry even more. What you want to do is give your mind a bone to chew on, but a different bone. Worrying is imagining something bad happening. Simply imagine something good happening, and there will be less room in your mind for imagining something bad happening. Your mind has its limits, like the RAM of a computer. Give it enough to do, and it won't have the free space to do anything else.

If worrying is a habit for you, it won't go away immediately. Every time you start to worry, ask yourself what good might be happening. And keep asking and wondering and then leave it at that an open-ended possibility. Do this and something good will be happening to you: You'll feel better and you'll be healthier.

By the way, Jana had a wonderful time.

How can you get rid of a negative feeling in a positive way? Find out here.
Unpleasant Feelings

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Here is a powerful, practical way to change an unwanted feeling or emotion into a good, healthy, and productive emotion:
A Simple Way to Change How You Feel

If worry is a problem for you, or even if you would like to simply worry less even though you don't worry that much, you might like to read this:
The Ocelot Blues

 

next: Self-Help Stuff That Works Homepage

20/20 Interview with Tori Amos about Rape and Being a Rape Survivor

Tori Amos on being a rape victim and rape survivor. In this interview, Amos discusses the psychological repercussions of rape, why she's talking about the rape, and healing from rape.

(This is an unedited, uncorrected transcript.)

Chasing Away the Demons

CONNIE CHUNG Tori Amos is a pop singer who has sold millions of albums. Among her fans are many young women attracted to her message of strength and confidence. But one of her songs, in particular, has had a profound effect on her listeners. It's about a horrible trauma that she suffered. As Elizabeth Vargas tells us, it ignited a healing process in women who have gone through the same terrifying experience.

SHANNON, COLLEGE STUDENT I still have no idea how he managed to do it, how he managed to hold pin my wrists down and cover my mouth.

KELLIE GREENE (PH) I kept yelling at him to take my money, "I have money. It's on the counter.

SHANNON He was very condescending and, "You asked for it. You're lucky."

KELLIE GREENE And he kept pushing me to the ground and kept hitting me and hitting me.

SHANNON He said, "Don't scream, or I'll kill you.

KELLIE GREENE And finally, he said, "I'm not here for your money. And that's when I got quiet.

SHANNON I thought that being dead would be better than what I was feeling.

KELLIE GREENE And I knew what he was there for. He was there to rape me.

ELIZABETH VARGAS, ABCNEWS (VO) These women are linked not only because they survived rape, but because they are able to talk about it. It has been a long journey for both. One suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder, the other was on the brink of suicide. And their paths to healing both intersect with music, the music of Tori Amos. At 35, Tori Amos is a popular rock singer. Her last three albums have all gone platinum. She sings about the familiar and the forbidden.

TORI AMOS I'm very interested in chasing a shadow and chasing the dark side. This is what I do.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) It is her chilling lyrics in the song Me And A Gun that document that dark side, describing an event that happened to her in her early 20s.

TORI AMOS (singing) Me and a gun and a man on my back.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Tori had just finished playing a nightclub and offered a fan a ride home. He ended up kidnapping and raping her. After years of struggle, she found her only way to deal with the rape was to write a song about it.

TORI AMOS It's a song about brutality and invasion on the deepest level. (singing) You pushed flat on your stomach ...

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ELIZABETH VARGAS (on camera) Every time you sing that song, do you go back to that place that night?

TORI AMOS To heal the wound, you have to go into the dark night of the soul.

ELIZABETH VARGAS But Tori Amos soon learned that healing can be difficult. So many rape victims suffer severe psychological repercussions. They become distracted, depressed, feel like they're going crazy. It can be so overwhelming that many rape victims don't deal with the rape at all. They tuck it away. And for those women, doctors says it takes a trigger to bring the rape back to the surface. It can be an emotional event a song, a book or a movie. Only then can the women reach out, start talking about the rape and finally deal with the trauma. It was this movie, Thelma and Louise, that was Tori Amos's trigger seven years after her rape.

SUSAN SARANDON, ACTRESS (CLIP FROM THELMA AND LOUISE) In the future, when a woman is crying like that, she isn't having any fun.

TORI AMOS People had to move away from me in the theater, just because I was, you know, sobbing. I was like a little wellspring sitting there.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Tori Amos says hours after seeing the movie, she wrote the song Me And A Gun. What Tori never anticipated was that her own breakthrough would trigger the breakthroughs of so many others.

TORI AMOS We were getting hundreds of letters every week.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (on camera) What did the letters say?

TORI AMOS They're all different, but the thread is that there are so many people out there that have had some kind of sexual violation.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Tori began to discover that in the crowds waiting outside the concert halls were survivors of rape. People waiting as long as eight hours for a chance to whisper their story or pass her a letter. Tori never misses an opportunity to listen or share. Shannon, a 19-year-old college student, credits Tori Amos with helping her deal with her rape.

SHANNON I won't say that she saved my life, because I don't think she'd like that. But she definitely helped me to find the strength to save myself.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Five years ago, Shannon was raped after a high school party. One of the guests held her down and attacked her.

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SHANNON I remember just clinging to the metal on the bed and looking out the window and feeling like I was dying. Then he finished, and he patted me on my head. And he told me not to worry, he didn't think I was old enough to get pregnant anyway and walked out the door. I got up and took a shower. And it all settled in while I was taking that shower, the realization that I was never going to be the same person. And standing in there, just turning it on as hot as it would go, because I thought I must be a dirty, horrible person if this happened to me. And I was trying to wash it away. But it wouldn't go away. And when I couldn't wash it away, I decided to sort of put it away.

TORI AMOS (singing) I've got something to say, I know, but nothing comes.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Rape is a recurring theme in many of Tori Amos's songs. This song, Silent All These Years, underlines the feeling victims have of being boxed in by their silence. It is a common symptom, says therapist Alison Clement (ph).

ALISON CLEMENT, THERAPIST There are a number of survivors that don't come forward for a very long time. Some never come forward. It's not impossible for a survivor to put in the back of their mind and make like it never happened.

TORI AMOS I didn't really ever talk about this. I didn't deal with it. Girlfriends were coming up to me saying, "You need a therapist. You need a shrink. I'm not going to talk to you anymore."

ELIZABETH VARGAS (on camera) Why didn't you deal with it?

TORI AMOS I think on a lot of levels, there's a real embarrassment and shame to any kind of invasion on that level. (singing) Silent all these years.

KELLIE GREENE Sexual assault, you have the word "sex" attached to it. It's a personal experience, and nobody talks about it.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Kellie Greene was raped five years ago when a man entered her unlocked apartment.

KELLIE GREENE He rushed around the corner, smashed me in the head with my tea kettle. And I remember feeling the the wetness pouring down me. And I thought that it was water, but then I realized it was my own blood.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) After the man had beaten and sexually assaulted her, he got up and walked out.

KELLIE GREENE And as I laid there, half-naked, bleeding, I remember catching a glimpse of someone in the mirror, and it was me. But I didn't recognize myself. And I was amazed at how this person could have so much a lack of respect for human life to do that.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Kellie tried to resume a normal life but began losing confidence, couldn't make decisions. She isolated herself. Both she and Shannon pushed away the memories of their experiences.

SHANNON I spent four years pretending like it didn't happen. I couldn't take it anymore. And I was depressed for no reason.

KELLIE GREENE You lose your trust. You become fearful. You feel trapped in your house.

SHANNON I was sitting in my room, thinking of ways that I could kill myself.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) A friend gave Shannon Tori Amos's Little Earthquakes CD. The song Me And A Gun served as Shannon's trigger.

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SHANNON It was like I instantly knew exactly what she was talking about, and I locked my door and I put the song on repeat, and I just sat on the floor and just absolutely sobbed. It was just so amazing to suddenly feel like, "I'm not all alone, and this is normal to be feeling this way.

KELLIE GREENE She's been able to come forward and say that it happened to her and she doesn't show embarrassment. She doesn't show shame. She just shows strength.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Tori's amazement at how survivors were connecting with her songs began to turn to alarm when at a concert, a young girl collapsed, overcome with emotion. The girl was brought backstage.

TORI AMOS I just said, "So what's going on with you? And she said, "I want to come and join the tour." I said, "What's so bad that you want to do that, like now? And she said, "Because my stepfather raped me last night. He'll rape me tomorrow night, and he's going to rape me tonight when I get home."

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Tori came to the realization that she was in over her head. These girls needed professional help, and she was not equipped to provide it. It was at this point that she cofounded RAINN. It was the first ever national hot line linking victims of rape and incest with professional counselors 24 hours a day.

TORI AMOS (TV COMMERCIAL FOR RAINN) In the time it takes you to brush your teeth, one woman in America is forcibly raped. Unlock the silence.

ALISON CLEMENT Talking about it is a very important step in the healing process. I believe that it helps a survivor move from victim to survivor.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Since its inception four years ago, RAINN has been receiving an average of 4,000 calls a month.

ALISON CLEMENT Because the very best a survivor can do is say this happened to me. I'm alive. I'm OK. I made it through it, and here I am today.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) One of those calls came from Kellie Green. She began getting counseling and working as a RAINN volunteer.

SPEAKER Please join me in welcoming women's rights defender and advocate, Kellie Green.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Just as Tori used her own experience to help others, Kellie began reaching out as well. She now speaks at colleges and most recently at this human rights conference.

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KELLIE GREENE Why should I be shamed into silence when it is the rapist who is responsible for his actions?

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) Shannon is also reaching out. Long before she could talk about her rape, Shannon began writing about it on the Web site she created called ;Welcome to Barbados, named after Tori's lyrics.

SHANNON I miss who I used to be so much. Sometimes I think that part of me isn't dead. She's just hiding in some deep corner, and she's scared of being hurt again.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) The site has now become a clearinghouse for thousands of rape survivors, posting their stories, giving advice and offering support. (on camera) If you could say one thing to Tori Amos, what would you tell her?

SHANNON That she deserves every ounce of thanks I can muster up because, without her, I don't know where I'd be.

KELLIE GREENE I think I would ask her, how do you move on with your sexuality that's lost? How do you get that back? How do you feel safe? And how do you have that healthy relationship with another person?

ELIZABETH VARGAS And is that something you're still searching for?

KELLIE GREENE I want to find it again. Yep. That's the last thing. But it's the hardest, I believe. It's the hardest.

ELIZABETH VARGAS (VO) We invited Shannon, Kellie and their friend Debbie to spend a few minutes with Tori backstage before a concert.

TORI AMOS Come sit.

KELLIE GREENE May I ask you something personal, because I may never get the chance to do it again?

TORI AMOS Yeah.

KELLIE GREENE How did you get past the sexuality, to find it again?

TORI AMOS It's taken me a long time to be a woman.

KELLIE GREENE Right.

TORI AMOS I have a really good shrink, and we started beading a necklace as she calls it, you know.

KELLIE GREENE Uh-huh.

TORI AMOS This much at a time, a little bead here, a little bead there. A memory, a moment and then one day, something shifted.

KELLIE GREENE I hope that I can get there someday.

TORI AMOS You can get there.

KELLIE GREENE I know.

TORI AMOS You're going to get there.

KELLIE GREENE Thank you.

TORI AMOS (singing) Me and a gun and a man on my back, so I must get out of this.

CHARLES GIBSON Neither Shannon, who you met in that story, nor Tori Amos ever went to authorities to report their rape. Kellie Greene did. And the man who raped her was captured in another case and identified as Kellie's rapist through DNA testing.

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next: Tori Amos' Rape Survivor Story
~ all Escaping Hades articles
~ all abuse library articles
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Escaping Hades is a rape and sexual assault survivors site. This site contains stories of survivors of rape, sexual abuse and incest; including my own rape survival story. There are also resources to find the help you need.

Welcome to Escaping Hades. My name is Lis and I was raped over  twelve years ago. I tell my story on this site, many other survivors have told their stories here, and I hope that you will tell your story, too. I hope that you will find many useful resources here and learn to call this site a home for your healing.

If you take one thing with you when you leave this site, please let it be the knowledge that any rape or sexual assault was not your fault. It does not matter what you wore, or how you acted. It does not matter if you were friends with, dating or married to your attacker. It does not matter if you were intoxicated. You were the victim. Now, you are the survivor.

If you are a survivor of rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse or incest, please stay safe while visiting Escaping Hades, as many of the pages can be triggering. If you are here because someone you love is a survivor, I thank you for trying to understand and help your loved one. The road to healing from any type of sexual trauma is terribly difficult, but we will get there together.

Here's my story: What happened to me and my journey from rape victim to survivor.

In Greek Mythology, Persephone is the goddess of spring. According to her story, she was abducted, raped and taken to the underworld by Hades, the lord of the underworld. When her mother, Demeter, found out what had happened to Persephone, she convinced Zeus to force Hades to release her. Before Persephone could leave, Hades made her eat a pomegranate, which meant that she would have to return to the underworld for one-third of the year. According to the legend, the time Persephone spends in the underworld is the time in which there is winter on the earth. Because Persephone made it out of the underworld, she can be called the first survivor. As survivors we can take comfort from the knowledge that although winter is hard, there is always spring around the corner.

Escaping Hades Content

• Story of a Rape Survivor: My Story
• My Journal Being a Rape Survivor
• Legal Definition of Rape
• Legal Issues with Rape
• Rape and Telling What Happened
• The Physical Trauma from Rape
• Guilt and Shame of Being Raped
• Psychological Effects of Rape
• Who's to Blame for the Rape
• After Rape: Putting the Pieces Back Together
• Safety Tips and Self-Defense Against Rape
• Safety Ideas to Prevent Sexual Assault
• Protecting Yourself From Stranger Rape and Date Rape
• Supporting Someone Who Has Been Raped or Sexually Assaulted
• Tori Amos on Being a Rape Survivor
• Tori Amos' Rape Survivor Story
• Marcus' Page
• A Rumor of Rape
• Inspiration for Rape Survivors, Sexual Abuse Survivors
• Poetry from Rape Survivors
• Rape and Telling What Happened

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next: Story of a Rape Survivor
~ all abuse library articles

Part 6: Twenty Inner Secret Discovery Questions 1-9

What follows are questions which can help determine if you have secrets from yourself. Inner secrets play a powerful role in beginning and maintaining many eating disorders.

Question 1:
How well do you remember your childhood?

• Do you keep remembering the same experiences and gloss over major absences of memory? 
• Do you think you remember events because others have described them to you? Are your memories yours or are they images and stories given to you by others?
• Do you remember details from some years and little from others?
• Are even clear memories spotty? An example of this is when a person can remember the yard around their childhood home well, but has trouble remembering specific rooms or parts of rooms in the house.

Question 2:
Do you lose track of conversation?

• Do you often get bored or distracted during conversation?
• Do you go blank for a moment or two?
• Do you find yourself trying to pick up what's going on, as if you had been 'gone' for a moment?
• Are these familiar experiences that you consider just part of your nature?

Question 3:
Do you lose track while watching a movie or hearing a lecture?

• Are there simple paragraphs or sentences in books which you have to reread and yet still have difficulty registering in your mind?
• Did that happen while you were reading this cyberguide, Triumphant Journey? If it did, go back and see if you can find those sections and hold them in your mind. If you can find them but still can't hold them, write them down. Sometimes, even writing them down doesn't work. It's as if the words go through your eyes to your hands, fingers and pen, typewriter or keyboard, completely bypassing your mind. That's okay. Just record them and keep them in the notebook you'll find out about in the Secret Discovering Exercises.
• Do you miss small sections of a film's continuity and have to fill in the meaning from your imagination?
• Are you certain that your small misses while watching films are okay because you are skilled in making sense out of the parts you have seen?
• Have you ever watched a video of a film you've seen before and been surprised at whole sections of events and meanings that you didn't know existed from your first viewing?

Question 4:
Are there small, mundane events which can reliably arouse your anger or fear?

• Examples of such events include:
  • You or someone else spills something.
  • Someone moves an object out of its usual place.
  • A simple food is unavailable.
  • You are to go up stairs or through a doorway first, immediately ahead of one or more people.
  • A household item or appliance breaks down and requires repair or replacement.

Question 5:
Do you feel you have to pretend to be someone better than you are?

• Do you feel that if people knew who you really were they would turn away from you?
• Do you feel that if people knew who you really were they would laugh at you, belittle you, or punish you in some way?

Question 6:
Do you feel nervous when you feel someone sees who you really are?

• Can you tell from a moment's glance when someone is seeing your real self?
• Do you keep away from such people?

Question 7:
Do you often feel you have to leave situations because you feel too nervous or confined to stay?

• Examples of such situations include:
  • meetings
  • relationships
  • brief encounters in social gatherings
  • classrooms
  • waiting rooms
• If you remain do you feel resentful and angry or afraid?

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Question 8:
Do you have personal private rituals?

• Will you feel anxiety or anger if you cannot do them?
• Examples of such rituals can include:
  • Chewing a certain number of times or in a particular way. 
  • Relying on telephone conversations at a particular time of day.
  • Exercising in a certain way at a certain time.
  • Eating special foods in a specific way or at a specific time or both.
  • Using particular eating utensils.
  • Watching particular TV programs while eating particular foods.
  • Cutting, chopping or arranging food to lengthen your time with the food. An example of this might be after peeling and eating an orange, spending time meticulously cutting the orange peel into tiny pieces.

Question 9:
Do you forget your sexual experiences?

• In an actual sexual experience, do you feel you are once again in a physical and emotional experience you forget about completely in your daily life?
• Do you often feel vulnerable and naïve about sex in daily life despite numerous and varied sexual experiences?
• Do you also feel, more than occasionally, that you have special, secret knowledge about sex?
• Do you often lose feeling during a sexual experience and find yourself observing your partner or your own sensations from an objective point of view?
• Do you often have private sexual fantasies in which you are helpless and the center of dramatic attentions?
• Do you often have fantasies where someone is helpless and either honored and/or afraid to receive your dramatic attentions?

Twenty Inner Secret Discovery Questions 10-20

Question 10:
Do you have body sensations you do not understand?

Examples of such inexplicable experiences include:

• shaking
• skin rashes
• cold chills
• nausea
• dizziness

Question 11:
Do you feel you will faint on occasion?

Have you almost proven to yourself that it's not due to physical exercise, illness, PMS or menopause?

Question 12:
Are you often surprised at your own appearance?

Do you sometimes feel invisible?

Do you feel you can make yourself so unobtrusive that you feel you are practically invisible?

Do you enter an invisible feeling when you are buying binge foods or eating them?

Question 13:
Are you attracted to people who betray you?

Do you feel you are wrong and apologize when someone hurts you?

Question 14:
Do you sometimes think you are special?

Do you get angry when others will not alter plans for you?

Question 15:
Do you sometimes or often think it is your lot in life to suffer?

Question 16:
Do you regularly feel lonely, incompetent and fragile in a harsh world?

Do you feel that this is the real you and you must guard against anyone knowing it?

Do you feel extremely moved, surprised and grateful when someone shows you a small consideration or appreciation?

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Question 17:
Do you work excessively to achieve cultural prizes like money, degrees, status, adulation, perfect body - all without satisfaction?

If you try to relax do you feel unbearable anxiety and not know what to do with yourself?

Question 18:
Do you lead a double life?

Do you keep information and activities hidden from others?

Examples include:

• sexual liaisons
• roles you play in different areas in your life
• jobs
• future plans
• sexual practices
• hobbies and personal interests

Do you lie regularly?

Do you lie when you don't have a reason, and you don't know why you are lying?

Question 19:
Do you have a regular habit of pushing the same ideas or information out of your mind because you know you don't want to ever think about them?

Do you regularly postpone to the point of not doing an activity at all?

Do you postpone doing activities where you know in your mind that you could probably do well, but you are too nervous to get started?

Examples of this can include:

• sending out a completed job application.
• sending out a completed school application.
• calling someone who might be a mentor for you.
• taking an adult education class in something you think might be fun or interesting.
• Saying yes to an invitation to submit an idea or piece of work which, if accepted, would bring you into contact with new people in a new and challenging setting.

Question 20:
Do these questions make you anxious?

If you answer, "yes," to many of these questions you may have a secret from yourself. If you are angry or frightened that these questions exist, you have a secret from yourself. If you feel anxiety thinking about these questions, you have a secret from yourself.

If you are curious and anxious at the same time, you are on the threshold of discovery. Your curiosity can keep you on the healing path.

If you have read these questions and want some genuine answers to questions you have about yourself, despite any anxiety you may feel, you are already on your Triumphant Journey.

In the Secret Discovering Exercises section of Triumphant Journey and the accompanying Action Plan you will find a way to discover what your secrets are as you simultaneously develop the necessary strength to face them. This is the healing journey that can lead to personal triumph.

end of part 6

next: Part Seven: Secret Discovering Exercises
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