"When we are reacting out of old tapes based on attitudes and beliefs that are false or distorted, then our feelings cannot be trusted.

When we are reacting out of our childhood emotional wounds, then what we are feeling may have very little to do with the situation we are in or with the people with whom we are dealing in the moment.

In order to start be-ing in the moment in a healthy, age-appropriate way it is necessary to heal our "inner child." The inner child we need to heal is actually our "inner children" who have been running our lives because we have been unconsciously reacting to life out of the emotional wounds and attitudes, the old tapes, of our childhoods."

It is vitally important to start paying attention to our inner children.

It is does not work, it is dysfunctional, to deny that our childhood wounds have affected our lives.

Our emotional wounds have been dictating our lives and keeping us from Loving ourselves.

We have been an abusive parent to ourselves.

"Because of our broken hearts, our emotional wounds, and our scrambled minds, our subconscious programming, what the disease of Codependence causes us to do is abandon ourselves. It causes the abandonment of self, the abandonment of our own inner child - and that inner child is the gateway to our channel to the Higher Self.

The one who betrayed us and abandoned and abused us the most was ourselves. That is how the emotional defense system that is Codependence works.

The battle cry of Codependence is "I'll show you - I'll get me.""

We have an age of the wounded inner child that relates to each stage of the development process. It is very important to start getting in touch with these parts of ourselves and building a Loving relationship with each of them.

Anytime we have a strong emotional reaction to something or someone - when a button is pushed and there is a lot of energy attached, a lot of intensity - that means there is old stuff involved. It is the inner child who feels panic or terror or rage or hopelessness, not the adult.

We need to ask ourselves "How old am I feeling right now?" and then listen for an intuitive answer. When we get that answer then we can track down why the child was feeling that way.

It is not that important to know the details of why the child is feeling that way - it is important to honor that the child's feelings are valid. Sometimes we recover some memory and sometimes we don't - the details are not that important, honoring the feelings is important. Trying to fill in the details isn't necessary and can lead to false memories.

"It is also a vital part of the process to learn discernment. To learn to ask for help and guidance from people who are trustworthy, . . . That means counselors and therapists who will not judge and shame you and project their issues onto you.

(I believe that the cases of "false memories"  are in reality cases of emotional incest - which is rampant in our society and can be devastating to a person's relationship with his/her own sexuality - that are being misunderstood and misdiagnosed as sexual abuse by therapists who have not done their own emotional healing and project their own issues of emotional incest and/or sexual abuse onto their patients).

Someone who has not done her/his own emotionally healing grief work cannot guide you through yours. Or as John Bradshaw put it in his excellent PBS series on reclaiming the inner child, "No one can lead you somewhere that they haven't been.""

When one of our "buttons" is pushed - when an old wound is gouged - it is very important to honor the child's feelings without buying into the illusion that it matches the adults reality.

"What we feel is our "emotional truth" and it does not necessarily have anything to do with either facts or the emotional energy that is Truth with a capital "T" especially when we our reacting out of an age of our inner child."

The following paragraphs are excerpts from one of my columns. It is entitled "Union Within" and explains some of the dynamics of the inner child parenting process.

"Recovery from Codependence is a process of owning all of the fractured parts of our selves so that we can find some wholeness so that we can bring about an integrated and balanced union, a marriage if you will, of all the parts of our internal self. The most vital component of this process in my experience is the healing and integration of the inner children. In this column I am going to be talking about some of my inner children in order to try to communicate the importance of this integration process. . . ."

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"The seven year old within me is the most prominent and emotionally vocal of my inner children. . . .
The despairing seven year old is always close by, waiting in the wings, and when life seems too hard, when I am exhausted or lonely or discouraged - when impending doom or financial tragedy seem to be immanent - then I hear from him. Sometimes the first words I hear in the morning are his voice within me saying "I just want to die".

The feeling of wanting to die, of not wanting to be here, is the most overwhelming, most familiar feeling in my emotional inner landscape. Until I started doing my inner child healing I believed that who I really was at the deepest, truest part of my being, was that person who wanted to die. I thought that was the true 'me'. Now I know that is just a small part of me. When that feeling comes over me now I can say to that seven year old, "I am really sorry you feel that way Robbie. You had very good reason to feel that way. But that was a long time ago and things are different now. I am here to protect you now and I Love you very much. We are happy to be alive now and we are going to feel Joy today, so you can relax and this adult will deal with life.". . . .

"The integration process involves consciously cultivating a healthy, Loving relationship with all of my inner children so that I can Love them, validate their feelings, and assure them that everything is different now and everything is going to be all right. When the feelings from the child come over me it feels like my whole being, like my absolute reality - it isn't, it is just a small part of me reacting out of the wounds from the past. I know that now because of my recovery, and I can lovingly parent and set boundaries for those inner children so they are not dictating how I live my life. By owning and honoring all of the parts of me I now have a chance to have some balance and union within."

Column "Union Within" by Robert Burney

We need to be the Loving parent who can hear the child's voice within us.

We need to learn to be nurturing and Loving to the wounded parts of us.

We can do that by actually working on developing a relationship with those wounded parts of us. The first step is to open a dialog.

I believe that it is important to actually talk to the children inside of us.

To open communications in any way we can through talking to those parts of ourselves in a Loving way (which means also to stop calling ourselves names like stupid - when we do that we are abusing our inner children), right hand/left hand writing, painting and drawing, music, making collages, taking the child to the toy store, etc.

At first the child will probably not trust you - for many very good reasons. Eventually we can start building trust. If we will treat ourselves with one tenth as much compassion as we would an abused puppy who came into our care - we would be Loving ourselves much more that we have been.

"As long as we are judging and shaming ourselves we are giving power to the disease. We are feeding the monster that is devouring us.

We need to take responsibility without taking the blame. We need to own and honor the feelings without being a victim of them.

We need to rescue and nurture and Love our inner children and STOP them from controlling our lives. STOP them from driving the bus! Children are not supposed to drive, they are not supposed to be in control.

And they are not supposed to be abused and abandoned. We have been doing it backwards. We abandoned and abused our inner children. Locked them in a dark place within us. And at the same time let the children drive the bus - let the children's wounds dictate our lives."

It is very important to nurture ourselves out of the Loving adult in ourselves - the one who understands delayed gratification.

It is the wounded child in us that wants instant gratification.

We need to set boundaries for the wounded part of us that wants to go unconscious or indulge in things which are abusive in the long run.

"The pain of being unworthy and shameful was so great that I had to learn ways to go unconscious and disconnect from my feelings. The ways in which I learned to protect myself from that pain and nurture myself when I was hurting so badly were with things like drugs and alcohol, food and cigarettes, relationships and work, obsession and rumination.

The way it works in practice is like this: I am feeling fat; I judge myself for being fat; I shame myself for being fat; I beat myself for being fat; then I am hurting so badly that I have to relieve some of the pain; so to nurture myself I eat a pizza; then I judge myself for eating the pizza, etc. etc.

To the disease, this is a functional cycle. The shame begets the self-abuse which begets the shame which serves the purpose of the disease which is to keep us separate so the we don't set ourselves up to fail by believing that we are worthy and lovable."

Column "A Dance of Suffering, Shame, and Self-abuse" by Robert Burney

Not you.

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next: After Rape - How Do You Recover From Rape
~ all Escaping Hades articles
~ all abuse library articles
~ all articles on abuse issues

This afternoon I heard a disturbing rumor about rape from several different people. Some said it happened in West, some said it happened in a fraternity, some said two males were involved, some said one, but they all had the same thread running through them: they were strung together with unsubstantiated facts and amounted to nothing more than hurtful gossip.

I was appalled by this lack of empathy and tabloid-like obsession with a tragedy for several reasons. Initially, it struck me that the alleged victim must be horrified by the rumors spreading, like the warehouse fire of last week, across campus. In a time during which she should be supported by her college community, she is instead treated as if she was involved in a scandal. Rape is a crime - it is not "who dumped who," or other such still hurtful, but relatively harmless gossip. The survivors of rape face years of emotional and psychological difficulties resulting from this crime. And in many cases, the way the victim is treated by her community after the rape makes a huge difference in her healing. As a community, we should be ashamed of the way we are treating this alleged victim.

Rape, for the victim, is a horrible loss of control. In the aftermath of rape, control becomes paramount for the victim. This includes controlling how and when and who she tells about the rape. If she decides to press charges, her story will be widespread and many will hear about it, but because she has made the choice to tell people, the experience can be a healing one. If she decides to not press charges, as many victims do (approximately 30% of sexual assaults are reported to law enforcement officials) because they fear exactly what is happening now, she should be allowed to tell her story when she is ready.

On our campus, we have many options of survivors of sexual assault, such as Safe Space, which has a beeper number (1-800-283-2255) victims can call if they need to talk to someone. But a victim of sexual assault who has been so poorly treated as the alleged victim in this case is less likely to try to seek help - in most cases she will bury the incident. As a community, we should encourage victims to speak out about their experience, as silence binds many survivors, but we should not speak out for them, especially when we don't have the first clue about what we're talking about.

Now we should look at it from a different perspective: suppose the rumor has no truth to it, which is a distinct possibility. Not only are we putting a woman in the very distressing (as one in four women on our campus know) position of a rape victim, but we are marring the reputation of one (or was it two? Somebody said it was two, or maybe three) men.

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Rape does happen at Union. It happens almost every weekend, yet only two were reported last year. It is important for the campus to have an open dialogue about sexual assault in an attempt to prevent it from happening. But rumors are the wrong way to talk about rape.

If you are a survivor of sexual assault, please do not let the insensitive behavior of our campus deter you from speaking out. If you need to talk to someone, call the safe space beeper or RAINN (the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network) at 1-800-656-HOPE.

next: Inspiration for Rape Survivors, Sexual Abuse Survivors
~ all Escaping Hades articles
~ all abuse library articles
~ all articles on abuse issues

Topics on this page:

• Anorexia
• Bulimia
• Self Injury
• Suicide
• Depression
• PTSD
• Dissociative Identity Disorder

Anorexia Nervosa

What it is:

Anorexia is an eating disorder. A person suffering from Anorexia is obsessed with keeping their weight down, usually to a very unhealthy extreme. Survivors are prone to anorexia because it is a disease which thrives on low self-esteem, something that results from sexual assault. Anorexia can be deadly and needs to be treated. In most cases, this involves dealing with the underlying cause of Anorexia, the trauma of sexual assault.

Warning Signs:

• Abnormally afraid of becoming fat.
• Calorie and/or fat gram counting.
• Restriction of food.
• Starvation dieting.
• The use of diet pills to control weight.
• Amenorrhea - The absence of at least three consecutive menstrual cycles.
• Body weight less than 85% of that expected for one's age and height.
• Eating junk food, drinking a lot of coffee or tea, and/or smoking to control hunger pains.

What to do:

Anorexia is a serious disorder which needs immediate attention. Therapy is usually necessary to deal with the underlying cause of anorexia and medical attention may be necessary to repair the damage done by losing large amounts of weight.

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Bulimia

What it is:

Bulimia is an eating disorder. A person suffering from bulimia binges (eats a large quantity of food) and then purges (either induces vomiting or takes laxatives so that food will not be digested and will pass directly through the body). Bulimia, like Anorexia, can be deadly and has underlying emotional causes.

Warning Signs:

• Self-induced vomiting.
• Using laxatives to prevent weight gain.
• An obsession with gaining weight.
• A fascination with food - buying cookbooks and food magazines.
• Rapid consumption of large amounts of food.
• Extreme guilt over food eaten.

What to do:

Like anorexia, bulimia is a serious disease which requires therapy and medical attention to overcome. Dental work may be required to repair the damage done to the back teeth (the back teeth are coated with stomach acid when a person suffering from bulimia purges, eating away the enamel and damaging the teeth).

HealthyPlace.com extensive information on Eating Disorders.

Self-Injury

What it is:

Self-Injury is deliberately harming oneself as a coping mechanism. It is caused by the emotional stress that the person is incapable, for whatever reason, of dealing with. For these people, Self-Injury is an escape, a way to relieve numbness, and an expression of pain.

Warning Signs:

• Dysphoria - Experiencing depression, irritability, tension and sensitivity to rejection.
• Self-hate.
• Chronic anger or anxiety.
• Impulsiveness.
• Unexplainable bruises, cuts or burns.

What to do:

In order to stop the urge to self-injure, therapy is necessary. There are also constructive things one can do when they have the urge to self injure, such as: hitting a punching bag, using a pillow to hit a wall, pillow-fight style, ripping up an old newspaper or phone book, on a sketch or photo of yourself, marking in red ink what you want to do than cutting and tearing the picture, making Play-Doh or Sculpey or other clay models and cutting or smashing them, throwing ice into the bathtub or against a brick wall hard enough to shatter it, breaking sticks. Put a finger into a frozen food (like ice cream) for a minute, biting into a hot pepper or chewing a piece of ginger root, rubbing liniment under your nose, slapping a tabletop hard, snapping your wrist with a rubber band or taking a cold bath.

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Suicide

What it is:

Most often caused by depression, suicide is a successful attempt to take one's life.

Warning Signs:

• Depression - feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless.
• Talking about or being obsessed with death and/or suicide.
• Loss of interest in things previously considered important.
• A sudden change in attitude. Suddenly happier or calmer.
• Suddenly visiting people one cares about.
• Giving things away and/or putting affairs in order.

What to do:

If you believe you are suicidal, talk to a friend you trust, tell a counselor, call RAINN at 1-800-656-HOPE or a suicide hotline in your area (you can find their number in the phone book).

Everything you want to know about Suicide.

Depression

What it is:

Depression is an illness which manifests itself as severe or prolonged sadness which interferes with a person's daily life and their ability to feel happy. People suffering from depression often feel worthless and lose their will to live. Depression is the number one cause of suicide.

Warning Signs:

• Intense feelings of sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness, or anxiety.
• Loss of energy. Feeling tired all the time.
• Thoughts about death and suicide.
• Decreased -- or increased -- sleeping or appetite.
• Difficulty in concentrating or indecisiveness.
• Mood swings.
• Extreme irritability.
• Impulsiveness that results in negative consequences.

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What to do:

The symptoms of depression are treated with prescription drugs such as Paxil, Zoloft or Prozac. However, it is also important to seek counseling to treat the underlying cause of depression.

HealthyPlace.com Depression Community.

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

What it is:

PTSD is an anxiety disorder brought on by an extremely traumatic psychological event (e.g. rape).

Warning Signs:

• Flashbacks.
• Nightmares.
• Anxiety and/or Depression.
• Sudden aggressive behavior.
• Feelings of guilt.
• Social withdrawal.

What to do:

The symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) can be treated with an anti-depressant and there are also many therapies available that have had success with treating PTSD. The best thing to do is to find a counselor.

HealthyPlace.com information on PTSD.

Dissociative Identity Disorder

What it is:

A survival mechanism, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) occurs when extreme trauma causes a person to compartmentalize their pain, thereby creating multiple personalities. The onset of this disorder is in childhood, usually from ages three to nine, because it is still possible for them to break their developing "self" into multiple personalities.

Warning Signs:

• Inability to recall important personal information.
• Impaired social functioning.
• Assumption of a new identity.
• Loss of time.

What to do:

Therapy is required to treat the symptoms of DID.

If you have been raped or sexually assaulted, it's important to get professional treatment.

 next: Who's to Blame for the Rape
~ all Escaping Hades articles
~ all abuse library articles
~ all articles on abuse issues

Learn about the herbal remedy, Asian Ginseng, for treatment of Alzheimer's disease, erectile dysfunction and to improve memory and learning. Does Asian Ginseng really work?

On this page

• Introduction
• What It Is Used For
• How It Is Used
• What the Science Says
• Side Effects and Cautions
• Sources
• For More Information

Introduction

This fact sheet provides basic information about the herb Asian ginseng--common names, uses, potential side effects, and resources for more information. Asian ginseng is native to China and Korea and has been used in various systems of medicine for many centuries. Asian ginseng is one of several types of true ginseng (another is American ginseng, Panax quinquefolius). An herb called Siberian ginseng or eleuthero (Eleutherococcus senticosus) is not a true ginseng.

Common Names--Asian ginseng, ginseng, Chinese ginseng, Korean ginseng, Asiatic ginseng

Latin Name--Panax ginseng

What is Asian Ginseng Used For

Treatment claims for Asian ginseng are numerous and include the use of the herb to support overall health and boost the immune system. Traditional and modern uses of ginseng include:

• Improving the health of people recovering from illness

• Increasing a sense of well-being and stamina, and improving both mental and physical performance

• Treating erectile dysfunction, hepatitis C, and symptoms related to menopause

• Lowering blood glucose and controlling blood pressure

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How It Is Used

The root of Asian ginseng contains active chemical components called ginsenosides (or panaxosides) that are thought to be responsible for the herb's medicinal properties. The root is dried and used to make tablets or capsules, extracts, and teas, as well as creams or other preparations for external use.

What the Science Says

• Some studies have shown that Asian ginseng may lower blood glucose. Other studies indicate possible beneficial effects on immune function.

• To date, research results on Asian ginseng are not conclusive enough to prove health claims associated with the herb. Only a handful of large clinical trials on Asian ginseng have been conducted. Most studies have been small or have had flaws in design and reporting. Some claims for health benefits have been based only on studies conducted in animals.

• NCCAM is supporting research studies to better understand the use of Asian ginseng. NCCAM is studying how Asian ginseng interacts with other herbs and drugs and exploring its potential to treat chronic lung infection, impaired glucose tolerance, and Alzheimer's disease.

Side Effects of Asian Ginseng and Cautions

• When taken by mouth, ginseng is usually well tolerated. Some sources suggest that its use be limited to 3 months because of concerns about the development of side effects.

• The most common side effects are headaches and sleep and gastrointestinal problems.

• Ginseng can cause allergic reactions.

• There have been reports of breast tenderness, menstrual irregularities, and high blood pressure associated with ginseng products, but these products' components were not analyzed, so effects may have been due to another herb or drug in the product.

• Ginseng may lower levels of blood sugar; this effect may be seen more in people with diabetes. Therefore, people with diabetes should use extra caution with Asian ginseng, especially if they are using medicines to lower blood sugar or taking other herbs, such as bitter melon and fenugreek, that are also thought to lower blood sugar.

• It is important to inform your health care providers about any herb or dietary supplement you are using, including Asian ginseng. This helps to ensure safe and coordinated care.

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Sources

Ginseng, Asian (Panax ginseng). In: Coates P, Blackman M, Cragg G, et al., eds. Encyclopedia of Dietary Supplements. New York, NY: Marcel Dekker; 2005:265-277. Accessed at Dekker Encyclopedias Web site on August 18, 2005.

Ginseng, Panax. Natural Medicines Comprehensive Database Web site. Accessed on August 18, 2005.

Ginseng. Natural Standard Database Web site. Accessed on August 18, 2005.

Ginseng root. In: Blumenthal M, Goldberg A, Brinckman J, eds. Herbal Medicine: Expanded Commission E Monographs. Newton, MA: Lippincott Williams & Wilkins; 2000:170-177.

National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine. Hepatitis C and Complementary and Alternative Medicine: 2003 Update. National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine Web site. Accessed on August 18, 2005.

For More Information

NCCAM Clearinghouse

Toll-free in the U.S.: 1-888-644-6226
TTY (for deaf and hard-of-hearing callers): 1-866-464-3615
E-mail: info@nccam.nih.gov

CAM on PubMed
Web site: www.nlm.nih.gov/nccam/camonpubmed.html

NIH Office of Dietary Supplements
Web site: http://ods.od.nih.gov

NCCAM has provided this material for your information. It is not intended to substitute for the medical expertise and advice of your primary health care provider. We encourage you to discuss any decisions about treatment or care with your health care provider. The mention of any product, service, or therapy in this information is not an endorsement by NCCAM.

 

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back to: Alternative Medicine Home ~ Alternative Medicine Treatments

Yippee! Just had to let you know! - Larry

Phoenix - Angelen VanDaele, Publisher and Judy Beumler, Editor of The Wedding Chronicle announced today that Larry James has been selected as the "Best Officiant" in the Greater Phoenix area by the Wedding Chronicle's 2007 Reader's Poll.

Reached at his Scottsdale office, Larry said, "A very special 'thank you' to those who voted for me. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be involved in so many 'romantic' wedding ceremonies and for those many brides and grooms who have expressed their confidence in me."

Larry James performed 65 wedding ceremonies in 2006 and is considered one of the busiest wedding officiants in the Greater Phoenix area. His "romantic" wedding ceremony and subtle sense of humor are what makes his performance unique. He can perform wedding ceremonies anywhere in the United States and regularly performs romantic beach weddings in Rocky Point, Mexico.

Larry is an ordained non-denominational minister, professional speaker, nationally recognized relationship coach and author of three personal relationship books and two business relationship books. He is also a contributing writer for The Wedding Chronicle.

The Wedding Chronicle is Arizona's largest Wedding and Event Newspaper. Pick up your free copy of the current issue today! For locations in the Greater Phoenix area, click here.

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next: Building Better Business Relationships

Overview of herbal remedy, Ginkgo Biloba, for prevention and treatment of Alzheimer's disease, to treat sexual dysfunction and whether Ginkgo works.

On this page

• Introduction
• What It Is Used For
• How It Is Used
• What the Science Says
• Side Effects and Cautions
• Sources
• For More Information

Introduction

This fact sheet provides basic information about the herb ginkgo--common names, uses, potential side effects, and resources for more information. The ginkgo tree is one of the oldest types of trees in the world.

Common Names--ginkgo, ginkgo biloba, fossil tree, maidenhair tree, Japanese silver apricot, baiguo, bai guo ye, kew tree, yinhsing (yin-hsing)

Latin Name--Ginkgo biloba

What Is Gingko Biloba Used For

• Ginkgo seeds have been used in traditional Chinese medicine for thousands of years, and cooked seeds are occasionally eaten. More recently, ginkgo leaf extract has been used to treat a variety of ailments and conditions, including asthma, bronchitis, fatigue, and tinnitus (ringing in the ears).

• Today, people use ginkgo leaf extracts hoping to improve memory; to treat or help prevent Alzheimer's disease and other types of dementia; to decrease intermittent claudication (leg pain caused by narrowing arteries); and to treat sexual dysfunction, multiple sclerosis, tinnitus, and other health conditions.

How It Is Used

} Extracts are usually taken from the ginkgo leaf and are used to make tablets, capsules, or teas. Occasionally, ginkgo extracts are used in skin products.

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What the Science Says

• Numerous studies of ginkgo have been done for a variety of conditions. Some promising results have been seen for Alzheimer's disease/dementia, intermittent claudication, and tinnitus among others, but larger, well-designed research studies are needed.

• Some smaller studies for memory enhancement have had promising results, but a trial sponsored by the National Institute on Aging of more than 200 healthy adults over age 60 found that ginkgo taken for 6 weeks did not improve memory.¹

• NCCAM is conducting a large clinical trial of ginkgo with more than 3,000 volunteers. The aim is to see if the herb prevents the onset of dementia and, specifically, Alzheimer's disease; slows cognitive decline and functional disability (for example, inability to prepare meals); reduces the incidence of cardiovascular disease; and decreases the rate of premature death.

• Ginkgo is also being studied by NCCAM for asthma, symptoms of multiple sclerosis, vascular function (intermittent claudication), cognitive decline, sexual dysfunction due to antidepressants, and insulin resistance. NCCAM is also looking at potential interactions between ginkgo and prescription drugs.

Side Effects of Ginkgo Biloba and Cautions

• Side effects of ginkgo may include headache, nausea, gastrointestinal upset, diarrhea, dizziness, or allergic skin reactions. More severe allergic reactions have occasionally been reported.

• There are some data to suggest that ginkgo can increase bleeding risk, so people who take anticoagulant drugs, have bleeding disorders, or have scheduled surgery or dental procedures should use caution and talk to a health care provider if using ginkgo.

• Uncooked ginkgo seeds contain a chemical known as ginkgotoxin, which can cause seizures. Consuming large quantities of seeds over time can cause death. Ginkgo leaf and ginkgo leaf extracts appear to contain little ginkgotoxin.

• It is important to inform your health care providers about any herb or dietary supplement you are using, including ginkgo. This helps to ensure safe and coordinated care.

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Sources

¹Solomon PR, Adams F, Silver A, et al. Ginkgo for memory enhancement: a randomized controlled trial. Journal of the American Medical Association. 2002;288(7):835-840.

Ginkgo biloba. In: Coates P, Blackman M, Cragg G, et al., eds. Encyclopedia of Dietary Supplements. New York, NY: Marcel Dekker; 2005:249-257. Accessed at Dekker Encyclopedias on September 9, 2005.

Ginkgo. Natural Medicines Comprehensive Database Web site. Accessed on September 9, 2005.

Ginkgo (Ginkgo biloba L.). Natural Standard Database Web site. Accessed on September 9, 2005.

Ginkgo biloba leaf extract. In: Blumenthal M, Goldberg A, Brinckman J, eds. Herbal Medicine: Expanded Commission E Monographs. Newton, MA: Lippincott Williams & Wilkins; 2000:359-366.

De Smet PA. Herbal remedies. New England Journal of Medicine. 2002;347(25):2046-2056.

For More Information

Visit the NCCAM Web site and view:

• "What's in the Bottle? An Introduction to Dietary Supplements"

• "Herbal Supplements: Consider Safety, Too"

NCCAM Clearinghouse Toll-free in the U.S.: 1-888-644-6226 TTY (for deaf and hard-of-hearing callers): 1-866-464-3615 E-mail: info@nccam.nih.gov

CAM on PubMed
Web site: www.nlm.nih.gov/nccam/camonpubmed.html

NIH Office of Dietary Supplements
Web site: http://ods.od.nih.gov

 

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back to: Alternative Medicine Home ~ Alternative Medicine Treatments

We Get LoveNotes. . . "I have to say, I found your site by mere accident. And I started to read: "LoveNote for Singles Only - Trust your heart! It always tells the truth!" I read a few of the articles and YOU ARE RIGHT SO RIGHT. Your articles were great timing for me. I have always enjoyed my own company and doing things for myself. Then for awhile I went through this obsessing to meet someone scenario.

Now, after reading your articles I can comfortably say, I am back to "me" and will not worry whether I meet someone or not. Another person will not make "me" happy. You are so right! Why I lost track of this, I'll never know. But you were god sent, and was so happy that your column just happened to be there at just the right moment. Bless you."

Larry's Note: "We lose track of ourselves because we have those moments where we drift back into being alone and being lonely. When you really love yourself, those moments happen less frequently. When you can be alone and not be lonely, that's when love will find you. There are NO accidents!" - Talk to the Relationship Coach

Suddenly, it's clear to you now. The relationship is over! What are you going to do now?

Caution: Don't complicate your life by beginning to date too soon after a break-up. How soon is "too soon?" That will depend upon the circumstances of the breakup. Rule of thumb: Six months or more.

"Or more?" you say. Yes! Six months or more!

When you cut your finger. It takes time for the wound to heal. If the sharp edge cuts to the bone, it may take longer. A thorough healing of a broken heart takes time too.

The biggest mistakes that newly singles can make are things that most singles refuse to believe and, as a result, they soon find themselves experiencing the same relationships as in the past. It is an even bigger mistake to not acknowledge that these colossal blunders really are mistakes. Some of you may have made these mistakes more than once.

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I know from personal experience that if you will evade these avoidable errors in judgment, ALL of your relationships will work better.

The biggest mistake that newly singles make is getting involved with someone else before the hurts of the past have healed.

Two closely related mistakes include not taking full responsibility for their share of the problems that caused the breakup in the first place and making sure that those issues are complete before beginning again.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and over and expecting a different result. Knowing your heart needs healing and refusing to do anything about it doesn't help prepare you for the next relationship. It only prolongs the agony.

How can you avoid these mistakes? By living solo for awhile.

Before you can successfully get involved with and have a "healthy" love relationship with someone else, you must first get involved with yourself!

When it comes to analyzing yourself, don't be an ostrich. Get your head out of the sand and take a loooooong look at what you did that may have contributed to the break-up and promise yourself that you will make some changes "prior" to your next relationship.

The time of real personal growth is when you are alone. Singles should use this time to reflect on the behaviors they did and didn't like in their former partner. Create a "romantic résumé" that lists their positive points and what you are looking for in your next mate.

It's time to experience how it feels to stand on your own; taking care of you, paying special attention to who you need to become to attract a passionately monogamous, infidelity-free, fun in the bedroom relationship. You must learn to stand alone again before you can again stand together. . . side by side.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't date, it only means, that when you decide to date, you must resist the urge to become intimately involved with anyone else too soon. This is easier when you date lots of people. Don't grab the first one that comes along. Play the field. Make "having FUN" your only priority.

It requires a lot of effort to be in a healthy love relationship with someone else. You don't need to expend the additional energy it will take to do that AND work on fully recovering from your last relationship at the same time. That's just not smart. When you strain a muscle, good doctors will insist that you give it a rest if you want it to heal. That's smart. Give a monogamous, committed relationship with someone else a rest for now.

Broken relationships take time to heal. The relationship I am talking about is the broken relationship you have with yourself. Not only must you know this, you must acknowledge that there is a problem that needs repair before the healing can begin.

We seem to drift around, not knowing what to do, blaming our ex, our mother- in-law, the cat, everyone but the real culprit.

If you want to know what the problem is in your relationships, it's very simple. Look into the mirror. There it is! You must muster the courage to look the problem straight in the eye and declare your independence from it. It's time to take responsibility for who you are, what you do, how you think, who you date. . . everything.

The most important relationship to you right now is the one you have with you! Rebuilding a relationship with yourself must be your highest priority. This significant first step must occur before you can be who you need to be in another healthy love relationship with someone else. For the time being, spend lots of time working on preparing for love - the love that you will share with someone else in the future.

The problem with moving too quickly to the next relationship is that there needs to be a cooling off period; that time when you begin to look at the real problem and start making some new choices about shedding all of the baggage of the last relationship.

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Reinvent a healthy relationship with you! Rediscover who you are! Take some time for yourself. Feel the pain. Acknowledge it. Feel it and know that it is only and always your choice to feel that way. Then do something different! In time, as you begin to acknowledge the mistakes you have made in the past and MOST important, accept responsibility for your share of the problem that caused the breakup, the hurts of the past will begin to heal.

If you also make a conscious decision to resolve not to allow those same problems to happen again, you will begin to feel better about yourself and the pain will ease. In time, you will look back and wonder how you could have let something like that happen to you. You will also wonder how you could have allowed yourself to feel the way you feel right now. You will look back in disappointment. You will be proud that you no longer will allow yourself to grovel in self pity and pain like you did in the past.

Part of the healing is acknowledging that there were indeed problems that you were responsible for. Knowing that is not enough. DOING something different is! For now, working on you is the first key to unlocking a future chock full of infinite possibilities. Whatever you want, wants you too.

It is now time to STOP blaming someone else for the misery you are creating for yourself. It's time to forgive them so the hurt will heal. Nothing is unforgivable. That is only and always your choice too.

The hurts won't heal until you will allow yourself to forgive.

I suppose the real question is: Just how long do you want to feel the way you feel right now?

If you think that he or she was solely responsible because of what they did or didn't do, then you are missing the point. It's time to let go of that and focus on taking full responsibility for the choices that are available to you right now. Blaming others will only and always keep you stuck right where you are.

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It will take a new discipline to do this. Can you do it? You must understand that the pain you feel right now is only temporary. Medical science has yet to prove that anyone has ever died from a broken heart. Broken hearts can mend. It takes time and you must do the work. You can do it! And you will do it when the desire to feel better about yourself again becomes stronger than the benefits of holding on to a past that obviously didn't work.

It takes no strength to let go, only courage.

Let the healing begin.

next: Who Would You Have to Become?

Many of us have lost touch with the change of seasons and the impact they have on our minds and bodies.

An Excerpt from BirthQuake: A Journey to Wholeness

I'm often pointing out to clients who complain of low energy levels and chronic fatigue in winter, that our culture has become vastly alienated from the natural cycles of the seasons. Consequently, many suffer from forcing their bodies to ignore the dictates of their biological rhythms. Gallagher explained this dilemma by observing that the root of winter depression is the lack of sunlight, coupled with the conflict which exists between our internal clock and the clock inflicted upon us by society. Further, Gallagher refers to research which implies that the more a society disregards natural rhythms, the more often cases of SAD will occur. Next, Gallagher points out how urban Alaskans fare much worse than the natives of Alaska during the long dark winter. Gallagher shares that, "...Perhaps most important, Native Alaskans see winter as a time to kick back and have some fun, the oldest and best antidepressant."

My friend, Pam Holmquist, a successful craftswoman and artist, who's resided in Alaska for almost two decades, concurs. Holmquist observes that native Alaskans tend to adjust their life style to accommodate to the change in season, while urban newcomers attempt to maintain their summer schedule. The result: newcomers usually find themselves far more depressed and exhausted by the end of winter than their native neighbors do.

Obviously, for most of the individuals with whom I worked in Maine, choosing to adapt to winter in much the same way as the native Alaskans, is simply not an option. However, there are generally several modifications that can be made in order to more effectively cope with winter. It may be important for such individuals to commit to resting more, and to reduce demands and expectations during the winter months. I often suggest that clients explore what activities may be best suited for them during the changing seasons, and encourage them to honor this knowledge by adjusting their behavior accordingly.

In regard to our responses to the changing of seasons, I wrote the following in my journal some time ago before moving to South Carolina:

"I sit in my office across from a soft-spoken, tanned, young woman who is sadly lamenting the end of summer. I listen as she mourns the loss of long, hot days, bare foot walks along the beach, and the gratification of working in her garden. As she speaks, I notice the bright August sunlight streaming through the window, drawing out the rich amber of her hair. I recall a verse in the Bible that says, "to everything there in a season." I, too, love summer. It's my favorite time of year, and yet I learned years ago to recognize the gifts of autumn and winter.

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Seasons represent the cycles of life and offer the necessary variations required for change and growth by all living creatures. Too many of us have lost touch with our deep connection to them and the effects that the changing rhythms of nature have upon our bodies, our spirits, our emotions, and our state of mind. In the summertime, the rhythm of my life becomes quicker, lighter, and often skips a beat as I go speeding along. I sleep less and generally play more. It's a time when I explore the exteriors of my life to a greater degree - when the absolute beauty of the Maine coast, the music of the loons on Dam Pond, and the awe of a mountain view can effortlessly transport me to a place of gratitude, of thankfulness, of joy. In the winter, my rhythms slow down, and I find myself more often exploring interior regions. It's a time when I reflect more, write letters, make longer entries in my journal, and ponder the other-worldly sounds emanating from the frozen pond. Winter for me is a time for reflection, a time for filling my home with the rich aroma of baking bread, of being soothed by the crackling wood fire, and hypnotized by the falling snow. It involves a gentler, more even tempo and a time for me to restore my soul. While summer represents the vigor of youth, winter symbolizes the strength and wisdom of age. I will always love summer, and yet I will always need winter. For many years, like the young woman before me, I, too, grieved the passing of the summers of my young adulthood, too often looking back with longing and thus failing to fully grasp the gifts offered by the present. I'm reminded now of another lesson - that we all must learn to let go. Just as the trees release their leaves in autumn, we, too, must release at times what we are holding onto in order to embrace what's now before us. Participating fully in this endless cycle of changing seasons provides us with an unfailing testimony that beginnings and endings are always bound together. When confronting one, we are always promised

next:Finding Spirit In the Doing

• Watch the video on Types of Narcissist's Victims

Question:

You describe the narcissist as a cunning, immoral extortionist. How does the narcissist affect people around him?

Answer:

Sooner, or later, everyone around the narcissist is bound to become his victim. People are sucked - voluntarily or involuntarily - into the turbulence that constitutes his life, into the black hole that is his personality, into the whirlwind, which makes up his interpersonal relationships.

Different people are adversely affected by different aspects of the narcissist's life and psychological make-up. Some trust him and rely on him, only to be bitterly disappointed. Others love him and discover that he cannot reciprocate. Yet others are forced to live vicariously, through him.

There are three categories of victims:

Victims of the narcissist's instability

The narcissist leads an unpredictable, vicissitudinal, precarious, often dangerous life. His ground is ever shifting: geographically as well as mentally. He changes addresses, workplaces, vocations, avocations, interests, friends and enemies with a bewildering speed. He baits authority and challenges it.

He is, therefore, prone to conflict: likely to be a criminal, a rebel, a dissident, or a critic. He gets bored easily, trapped in cycles of idealisation and devaluation of people, places, hobbies, jobs, values. He is mercurial, unstable, and unreliable. His family suffers: his spouse and children have to wander with him in his private desert, endure the Via Dolorosa that he incessantly walks.

They live in constant fear and trepidation: what next? where next? who is next? To a lesser extent, this is the case with his friends, bosses, colleagues, or with his country. These biographical vacillations and mental oscillations deny the people around him autonomy, unperturbed development and self-fulfilment, their path to self-recognition and contentment.

To the narcissist, other humans are mere instruments, Sources of Narcissistic Supply. He sees no reason to consider their needs, wishes, wants, desires and fears. He derails their life with ease and ignorance. Deep inside he knows that he is wrong to do so because they might retaliate - hence, his persecutory delusions.

Victims of the narcissist's misleading signals

These are the victims of the narcissist's deceiving emotional messages. The narcissist mimics real emotions artfully. He exudes the air of someone really capable of loving or of being hurt, of one passionate and soft, empathic and caring. Most people are misled into believing that he is even more humane than average.

They fall in love with the mirage, the fleeting image, with the fata morgana of a lush emotional oasis in the midst of their emotional desert. They succumb to the luring proposition that he is. They give in, give up, and give everything only to be discarded ruthlessly when judged by the narcissist to be no longer useful.

 

 

Riding high on the crest of the narcissist's over-valuation only to crash into the abysmal depths of his devaluation, they lose control over their emotional life. The narcissist drains them, exhausts their resources, sucks the blood-life of Narcissistic Supply from their dwindling, depleted selves.

This emotional roller coaster is so harrowing that the experience borders on the truly traumatic. To remove doubt: this behaviour pattern is not confined to matters of the heart. The narcissist's employer, for instance, is misled by his apparent seriousness, industriousness, ambition, willing to sacrifice, honesty, thoroughness and a host of other utterly fake qualities.

They are fake because they are directed at securing Narcissistic Supply rather than at doing a good job. The narcissist's clients and suppliers may suffer from the same illusion.

The narcissist's false emanations are not restricted to messages with emotional content. They may contain wrong or false or partial information. The narcissist does not hesitate to lie, deceive, or "reveal" (misleading) half-truths. He appears to be intelligent, charming and, therefore, reliable. He is a convincing conjurer of words, signs, behaviours, and body language.

The above two classes of victims are casually exploited and then discarded by the narcissist. No more malice is involved in this than in any other interaction with an instrument. No more premeditation and contemplation than in breathing. These are victims of narcissistic reflexes. Perhaps this is what makes it all so repulsively horrific: the offhanded nature of the damage inflicted.

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Not so the third category of victims.

These are the victims upon which the narcissist designs, maliciously and intentionally, to inflict his wrath and bad intentions. The narcissist is both sadistic and masochistic. In hurting others he always seeks to hurt himself. In punishing them he wishes to be penalised. Their pains are his.

Thus, he attacks figures of authority and social institutions with vicious, uncontrolled, almost insane rage - only to accept his due punishment (their reaction to his venomous diatribes or antisocial actions) with incredible complacency, or even relief. He engages in vitriolic humiliation of his kin and folk, of regime and government, of his firm or of the law - only to suffer pleasurably in the role of the outcast, the ex-communicated, the exiled, and the imprisoned.

The punishment of the narcissist does little to compensate his randomly (rather incomprehensibly) selected victims. The narcissist forces individuals and groups of people around him to pay a heavy toll, materially, in reputation, and emotionally. He is ruinous, and disruptive.

In behaving so, the narcissist seeks not only to be punished, but also to maintain emotional detachment (Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures, EIPMs). Threatened by intimacy and by the predatory cosiness of routine and mediocrity - the narcissist lashes back at what he perceives to be the sources of this dual threat. He attacks those he thinks take him for granted, those who fail to recognise his superiority, those who render him "average" and "normal".

And they, alas, include just about everyone he knows.

 

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next: Warped Reality and Retroactive Emotional Content