Believe that dreamers are believers
And that believers are receivers.
Know this truth, that to believe is all it takes.
Just take heart, get past the losers,
Never quit, you're among choosers.
Choose that dream; set that goal; release your brakes!

It takes a special kind of caring,
And a lot of active sharing.
A better you, a better me, that's what it makes.
For success is but a journey
And we all win in this tourney,
Get out of tow; give in; let go; release your brakes!

Reach for your dream, your heart has spoken.
Full speed ahead, there's no use pokin',
You're a winner, why not stretch for winner's stakes?
Time is not all that you're losin'
For the best is yet for choosin'.
Step on your fears; shift your gears; release your brakes!

next: Relationship "Slump Busters"

Discover the importance of grief recovery, grief work and dealing with unresolved grief caused by a death, divorce or any significant emotional loss.

Does time really heal all wounds?

It is important for a person to grieve and complete their relationship to the pain and unfinished business caused by a death, divorce or any other significant emotional loss.

When is it time to do my "grief work?"

This is the most difficult question facing grievers. Part of the problem stems from the biggest single inaccurate idea that we were all socialized to believe: that "time heals all wounds." Time does not heal. Actions can help discover and complete unfinished emotional business.

When can I begin to discover and complete all of the things that I wish had ended "different, better or more," and all of the broken "hopes, dreams, and expectations" about the future? The answer is immediately, according to John W. James, author of The Grief Recovery Handbook. "Waiting to do grief work is potentially dangerous," he says.

Most likely you've heard that grievers tend to create larger than life memory pictures in which they either "enshrine or bedevil" the person who died. According to James, this phenomenon increases with time, making it more difficult to discover the "truth" within the relationship.

What are some tipoffs that unresolved grief is the cause of my discomfort?

Unresolved grief tends to take people "out of the moment," that is to cause you to be off in conversations with people who are no longer physically there with you. [This is not limited to death. You are equally likely to be lost in a conversation with a former spouse, still living, who is not physically present]. Assuming that your physical health is okay, unresolved grief tends to drain you of energy. Unresolved grief tends to close our hearts down. Since we're incomplete with a prior loss, we almost automatically "protect" ourselves by not loving again. More accurately, we limit our loving exposure and thereby doom the new relationship to fail.

Commonly, grievers will hide their true feelings for fear of being judged. Where isolation is the problem, participation is a major component of the solution. Support groups, counseling, and workshops are all aimed at discovering and completing the unfinished emotional business that fuels the isolation.

next: My Experience With Depression
~ depression library articles
~ all articles on depression

When you are depressed it is often very hard to think clearly or make any decisions. It is also hard to think of anything to do to help yourself feel better. This article will help you take positive action in your own behalf.

Keep in Mind

• Depression is not your fault.
• Depression is a temporary condition. You will get well. You will feel happy again.
• The best time to address depression is now, before it gets any worse.
• It's up to you, with the help of your supporters, to take responsibility for getting better.

See Your Doctor

Depression is serious. You need to see a general physician as soon as possible-- don't wait longer than a few days. The sooner you get treatment, the sooner you will feel better. You need an appointment with your physician for a complete physical examination to see if there is a medical condition that is causing or worsening your depression, to plan your treatment and for possible referral to a specialist. If you do not have a physician, contact a mental health organization in your area for a recommendation.

If any of the following apply to you, insist on an appointment within 24 hours or ask a friend or family member to do it for you (it's hard to do things for yourself when you are depressed).

• You feel absolutely hopeless and/or worthless.
• You feel like life is not worth living anymore.
• You think a lot about dying.
• You have thoughts of suicide.
• You have been making plans to end your life.

Ask a family member or friend to stay with you until it is time for your appointment. Make sure you keep the appointment.

When you see your doctor, take a complete listing of all medications and health care preparations you are using for any reason, and any unusual, uncomfortable or painful symptoms.

Self Help Techniques You Can Use To Help Yourself Feel Better

1.Tell a good friend or family member how you feel-ask them if they have some time to listen to you. Tell them not to interrupt with any advice, criticism or judgments. Assure them that you can discuss what to do about the situation after you get done talking, but that just talking with no interruptions will help you feel better.

Your friends and family members may not know what to say. You can tell them to say any of the following:

"I'm sorry you are having such a hard time."

"What can I do to help?"

"Tell me how you feel."

"I'm here to listen."

"I love you."

"You are very special to me. I want you to get well."

"You will feel better. You will get well."

2. Get some exercise. Any movement, even slow movement will help you feel better-- climb the stairs, take a walk, sweep the floor.

3. Spend at least one half hour outdoors every day, even if it is cloudy or rainy.

4. Let as much light into your home or work place as possible--roll up the shades, turn on the lights.

5. Eat healthy food. Avoid sugar, caffeine, alcohol and heavily salted foods. If you don't feel like cooking, ask a family member or friend to cook for you, order take out, or buy a healthy frozen dinner.

6. If you are having lots of negative thoughts or obsessing about difficult issues and hard times, divert your attention away from these thoughts by doing something you really enjoy, something that makes you feel good--like working in your garden, watching a funny video, working on a craft project, playing with a small child or your pet, buying yourself a treat like a new CD or a magazine, reading a good book or watching a ball game.

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7. Relax! Sit down in a comfortable chair, loosen any tight clothing and take several deep breaths. Starting with your toes, focus your attention on each part of your body and let it relax. When you have relaxed your whole body, notice how it feels. Then focus your attention on a favorite scene, like a warm day in spring or a walk at the ocean, for at least 10 minutes.

8. If you are having trouble sleeping, try some of the following suggestions: drink a glass of warm milk, eat some turkey and/or drink a cup of chamomile tea before going to bed before going to bed:

• read a calming book
• take a warm bath
• avoid strenuous activity
• avoid caffeine and nicotine-both are stimulants
• listen to soothing music after you lie down
• eat foods high in calcium like dairy products and leafy green vegetables
• avoid sleeping late in the morning, get up at your usual time

9. Ask a family member, friend or co-worker to take over some or all of your responsibilities for several days--like child care, household chores, work-related tasks so you have time to do the things you need to take care of yourself.

10. Keep your life as simple as possible. If it doesn't really need to be done, don't do it.

11. Avoid negative people who make you feel bad or irritated. Do not allow yourself to be abused in any way. Physical or emotional abuse can cause or worsen depression. If you are being physically or emotionally abused, ask your health care provider or a good friend to help you figure out what to do.

12. Avoid making any major decisions like career, relationship and housing changes until you feel better.

Things To Do After You Begin Feeling Better

1. Educate yourself about depression so that if you ever get depressed again, you and your supporters will know exactly what to do.

2. Become an effective advocate for yourself--figure out what you need and want for yourself, and then work toward it until you get it.

3. Develop and keep a strong support system of at least five supporters, people you feel comfortable with, trust and enjoy. If you don't have five supporters, make some new friends by joining a support group, attending community events, or taking an interesting course.

4. Write a plan to keep yourself well. Include lists of:

• things you need to do every day to keep yourself well, like get a half hour of exercise and eat three healthy meals
• things that may not need to be done every day, but if you miss them they will cause stress in your life, like buying groceries, paying bills or cleaning your home
• events or situations that, if they come up, may make you feel worse, like a disagreement with a family member or loss of your job, and an action plan to follow if these events occur
• early warning signs that you are starting to get depressed again, like feeling tired, sleeping too much, overeating, and dropping things, and an action plan to follow if they come up
• signs that things are getting much worse, you really are depressed, like you can't get out of bed in the morning and you feel negative about everything, and an action plan to follow if this happens

Ask your health care providers, family members and friends for help in developing these plans.

next: Shocked! ECT Homepage
~ back to Mental Health Recovery homepage
~ depression library articles
~ all articles on depression

Interview with Joel Metzger

Joel Metzger is the coordinator of the Online Noetic Network. I also encourage you to read the "Thread of Life."

Tammie: What led you to launch the Online Noetic Network?

Joel: I came online and found little that interested me. Everyone talking. Lots of My Favorite Is... , My Hobby Is... , My Story Is... , I Believe In... , but few sources of talk about what this life is. What life is for all of us! We all have something in common. Let's celebrate in that! I started ONN to be a source for the articles that I want to read.

Tammie: What people have been the most influential in your life, and how?

Joel: The people who have taught me the most about myself, my life, as it is. In other words, the people who most influenced changes in my life are the ones who showed me that I don't need to change!

Tammie: You wrote an incredibly powerful account of your near death experience. I was hoping that you'd share a bit about your experience and its impact on you. How has it changed you?

Joel: When everything in your life changes -- and I mean *everything*: family, friends, home, abilities, personality, body, interests -- then you're sure to see the one thing that is consistent. I was still alive. That life is my treasure. Know it. Anyone interested in this story should read it at the ONN site.

Tammie: You also wrote that simplicity is your sanctuary. How so?

Joel: I love this question. Because I love this sanctuary. It's mine. I own it. I am the child of that simplicity, that simplicity that keeps me alive.

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Tammie: If you were to have explained to your daughter when she was ten years old what the meaning of life was, what would have you said to her?

Joel: Meaning? Depends what meaning you give to it. I guess the phrase "meaning of life" doesn't do much for me. I sure haven't figured out any meaning to life. Now, if you were to ask what the beauty of life is, ahh, that I could answer!

Tammie: So what is the beauty of life from your perspective?

Joel: When I talk about life, I mean this feeling I get inside myself, just the simple flow of life itself. For me, this has a presence of its own and a beauty I find nowhere else.

Tammie: What are your hopes and fears regarding the future of our world?

Joel: I hope that everyone can learn the beauty and simplicity they have. I hope everyone can gather around that beauty. It would change everything. It has changed my perspective, goals, efforts.

Tammie: What have been the primary lessons of your life experiences?

Joel: I think the article states that very well. Please read The Thread of Life.

next:Interviews: Bruce Elkin on Simple Living

"When we got organized as a country and we wrote a fairly radical constitution with a radical amount of individual freedom to Americans, it was assumed that the Americans who had that freedom would use it responsibly." - Bill Clinton

To get out of the bottle we need radical common sense. Radical common sense is common sense deliberately encouraged and applied. Radical common sense reflects the growing realization that individual good sense is not enough—that society itself must make sense or decline. Radical common sense is a spirit. It respects the past, it pays attention to the present, and therefore it can imagine a more workable future.

On the one hand, it looks as if modern civilization hasn't the time, resources, or determination to make it through the neck of the bottle. We can't get there from here. We can't solve our deepest problems through such traditional strategies as competition, wishful thinking, struggle, or war. We can't frighten people (including ourselves) into being good or smart or healthy. We find we can't educate by rote or by bribery, we can't win by cheating, we can't buy peace at the expense of others, and, above all, we can't fool Mother Nature.

On the other hand, maybe the answers lie in the problem—our thinking, especially our ideas that nature is to be mastered rather than understood. We have tried to run roughshod over certain powerful realities.

Radical common sense says let's ally ourselves with nature. We have nothing to lose and a great deal to gain. As the old saying has it, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." We can apprentice at nature's side, working with her secrets respectfully rather than trying to steal them. For example, scientists who observe natural systems report that nature is more cooperative ("Live and let live") than competitive ("Kill or be killed"). "Competing" species, it turns out, often co-exist by food- and time-sharing; they feed at different hours on different parts of the same plant. Among moose and some other herd animals, the old or injured members offer themselves to predators, allowing younger and healthier members to escape.

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Altruism appears to serve an evolutionary function in living creatures. In its inventiveness, nature—including human nature—may be on our side.

By documenting the health benefits of such traditional virtues as persistence, hard work, forgiveness, and generosity, scientific research is validating both common sense and idealism. People who have discovered a purpose feel better, like themselves more, age more subtly, and live longer.

Radical common sense derives its conviction from science and from the inspired examples of individuals.

Excerpt 2:

The Lessons of "Living Treasures"

Japanese society has an admirable habit of honoring its outstanding contributors as if they were national resources. Individuals who have developed their abilities to a high level or who have given generously of themselves

Every nation, indeed every neighborhood, has its living treasures, people who find their greatest reward in contributing to the society. Some are well known, but millions are quietly going about their heroic tasks perfecting their work, trying to serve more, not less.

Most of these people grasp the content of the body of wisdom Aldous Huxley called the Perennial Philosophy. They recognize that their fate is tied to that of others. They know that they must take responsibility, maintain their integrity, keep learning, and dream boldly. And they know that this knowing is not enough.

They are making clear that what they need now is the so-called "nitty gritty," the small steps that precede a leap. They want a technology transfer from the people who make their dreams come true.

Radical common sense says that we should collect and disseminate such secrets for the good of the whole. And, not surprisingly, that most capable people are not only happy to share what they have learned; they are also eager to benefit from the experience of others.

It is little wonder that our individual discoveries don't become common knowledge. When we stumble across certain tricks and short-cuts we usually don't think to tell anyone else. For one thing, they probably already know. Or we're competitive.

The more successful we become at our chosen tasks, the less time there is for analysis and reflection. The coach may recall that the gold-medal figure skater was once graceless or fearful. Certain psychological and technical breakthroughs made the difference. The champion, also a subtle observer of change, is too busy mastering new moves to spell out the anatomy of a winning performance. The same could be said of the outstanding entrepreneur, statesman, or parent. They aren't teaching because they are so busy learning.

Think for a moment of your own breakthroughs. Did you record and track your learning? Most of the time we notice improvement in retrospect, if at all. And we rarely think to mark the trail for others to follow. "Live and learn," we say, acknowledging the value of experience. We usually forget about "Live and teach."

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Radical common sense says that our collective survival may depend on our ability to teach ourselves and others. By pooling and organizing the wisdom of many scouts we can assemble a kind of guide and companion for travelers everywhere.

Apply certain laws of life, and you have nature on the side of your dream. You are less reliant on luck and, at the same time, better equipped to take advantage of it. You can contribute your best without compromising your values, undermining your health, or exploiting others. You can be an explorer and friend to humanity.

Achievers have an enabling attitude, realism, and a conviction that they themselves were the laboratory of innovation. Their ability to change themselves is central to their success. They have learned to conserve their energy by minimizing the time spent in regret or complaint. Every event is a lesson to them, every person a teacher. Learning is their true occupation, and out of it flowed their profession.

These four-minute-milers of the spirit insist that they are not unusually endowed, that others can do what they have done. They know factors of success more reliable than luck or native ability.

The not-so-hidden agenda is the conviction that leadership must become a grassroots phenomenon if our societies are to thrive. If that strikes you as unlikely, consider first of all that nothing else is likely to work. And secondly, be aware that people already secretly suspect that they are capable of taking charge. Sociological surveys have shown repeatedly that most people believe themselves smarter, more caring, more honest, and more responsible than most people.

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Apparently we can't show these traits because "it's a jungle out there." It's as if to be "smart" we must hide our caring lest we try to live up to our responsibility in the jungle. So the dangerous jungle persists as a self-fulfilling prophecy from our collective self-image. One of the ways we can spring the goose from the bottle is to unite as free and honorable individuals who have the nerve and good sense to challenge defeatist assumptions. In so doing we have to pierce the veil that separates our heroes from the heroic in ourselves.

As our societies go through their identity crises, we can view the chaos as a sign of life, the turbulence as a healing fever. Radical common sense paraphrases Socrates: The unexamined collective life is not worth living.

The more sensitive I am as an individual, the more permeable I am to healthy new influences, the likelier that I can be molded into an unprecedented Self. That Self is the secret of success of a society. It sees the ways in which its fate is joined to the whole. It has the attributes we sometimes call soul and the passion we have called patriotism.

Radical common sense is the wisdom gleaned from the past that recognizes the perishable opportunities of the moment. It is the willingness to admit error and the refusal to be deterred by failure. Heroism, it becomes apparent, is nothing more than becoming our latent selves. Victory doesn't lie in transcending or taming our nature but in progressively discovering and revealing more of it. Great problems, like the wars of old, may be a stimulus to achievement, but we don't have to rely on external challenge. Radical common sense says we can challenge ourselves. Or as the Taoist tradition puts it, we can embrace the tiger.

When asked for his most important discovery, a famous corporate trainer said, "I finally realized that people learn from only one thing: experience. And most people aren't very good at it." Beyond a certain point all education is self-education. New learning comes slowly unless we choose it. A self-defined challenge is an irresistible teacher.

In encompassing the simple secrets of the visionary life, radical common sense may be the long-sought Grail, a powerful vessel in which we might shape ourselves and be shaped.

Above excerpt from Chapter 1, Aquarius Now by Marilyn Ferguson (Weiser Books, November 2005). Aquarius Now by Marilyn Ferguson; Published by Weiser Books; Publication date: November, 2005; Price: $22.95; ISBN 1-57863-369-9; Hardcover; Category: New Age/New Consciousness

"All human suffering is an experience based on value judgements of what is good and bad."

A judgment is labeling some thing, person, or event as good or bad, based on your belief system. Lets take a look at the concepts of good and bad.

Does anything carry with it a value of good or bad, independent of human evaluation? Are good and bad inherent qualities or human assessments? Is any event, person, thing, circumstance inherently (exists as a permanent condition) good or bad? Or are they labels we use to define what we want and don't want?

How does Webster define "good?"

good (gud) adj. serving it's purpose well || having desired qualities || virtuous, kind, well-behaved, agreeable, pleasant, beneficial, worthwhile, profitable, efficient, competent, capable, safe, and valid.

The key phrase in that definition is "having desired qualities." We define good as being something we want. And look at the words used to define good. Are they not what we desire? For example, we want our children to be well behaved .We want our lives to be easy, to be around people who are pleasant and kind. We want what we do to be worthwhile, efficient, and hopefully, profitable. We want to feel safe, etc.

What about "bad?"

bad (bæd) wicked, evil || defective, inadequate || not prosperous || unwelcome || distressing, disagreeable, upset, harmful, and unskilled.

Again, look at the words. Aren't they simply defining what we don't want as "bad"? We don't want items that are defective. We don't want a corrupt government. We don't want to be "poor". ....on and on...you get the idea. Good = Want. Bad = Don't Want

"What disturbs people's minds is not events, but their judgments on events."

- Epictetus, 100 A.D

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If good and bad were inherent qualities (true regardless of our assessments), then they would remain the same throughout time. History has shown this to not be true. Through out lineage, what we've called good and bad has changed.

So if "good and bad" are assessments, then you are free to re-evaluate those assessments. When you look at situations (and yourself) in terms of desires, and not as value judgments, you remove the negative connotations associated with "good and bad". The examination of the situation becomes less volatile and hostile. You can simply make an observation, notice what you want or don't want, and respond according to those desires.

Observation And Value Judgments

Some people say we need judgments to be able to live in this world. "How could I make decisions if I didn't judge? Isn't that how we make decisions?" Let's make a distinction between a value judgment and an observation.

In an observation we see, hear, feel what is happening around us. We then state what we see. When we're judging something, we go one step further in the process of observation and add in a subjective evaluation. We label the event as either good, or bad. THAT, is the value judgment. You're not removing the decision making process, you're simply replacing "good and bad" with "I want, I don't want."

How does this apply to accepting yourself? Well, you do the same thing to yourself. You first make an observation about yourself, ("I am fat") then decide if it's a good or bad thing to be ("It's bad to be fat"). When we judge something about ourselves as "bad", it becomes impossible for you to accept (be okay with) that part of yourself. BUT, it is possible to accept (be okay with) your weight and still know you WANT to be thinner. Make sense?

"Judgment stands as an obstacle to self-love.
When you form judgments about another person,
for instance, "this person looks like a lazy person,
or a failure, or has terrible clothes," you create
a message to your subconscious that the world
is a place where you had better act in certain
ways if you want to be accepted...that you are
only going to accept yourself under certain
conditions. This leads to an inner dialogue of
self-criticism."

- Orin

What if you were to drop your value judgments and simply saw "what is" then identified what you wanted and why? It could totally transform your experience. What are the ramifications of doing so? Perhaps you would find a well of love for yourself and others that you never knew existed. Perhaps you'd notice the less you judge yourself, the less you'll judge others. And maybe, just maybe, the experience of acceptance would give you the solid foundation to move forward in creating yourself and your life the you've always dreamed.

next: You Are Always Doing Your Best

• Letters of Hope
• Letters of Pain
• Letters of Parents
• Letters of Recovery

Letters of Hope

Claire Age: 15 Anorexia

I don't exactly have one eating disorder. I have bulimic and anorexic tendencies. I don't know how common that is, but it's what my current situation is. I've had it since I was about 12. So, it's been 3 years now.

I was overweight for awhile when I was younger. Then I leveled off and when I entered junior high, I started putting on weight again. In junior high, it's a fate worse than death to be fat. So I began to diet. I went from a size 14 to a size 8, and then began to take diet pills. I then went from an 8 to a 1.

Only 2 people know about my eating disorder. My mom and one of my best friends. They are very understanding, but I don't think they fully understand what I'm going through. Sometimes they try to make me eat, which always results in a round of yelling and fuming.

Actually, what made me decide to get outside help was the story a Concerned Counseling friend of mine told me about her eating disorder experience. It was an eye opening experience and scared me.

I have tried therapy, but I have had bad experiences with most therapists and nutritionists. Concerned Counseling has been the one place where I have a good experience with a therapist. I am getting ready to seek help outside of Concerned Counseling, and it's kind of scary to me, but I'm willing to try.

I don't think I'll ever be fully recovered from my eating disorder. An eating disorder is something that's with you for life. I think I'm going to have to stay committed to it in a way. I'll always have to fight it, but it's a fight I'm willing to do.

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Anne Age: 20 Anorexia

I am a recovering anorexic and bulimic who, for at least eight years, has lived with the monster of ED (eating disorder). Those years were not always complete hell, but often, they were. Anyone who spent extended periods of time with me would attest to this without question or hesitation.

I was in denial most of the time, but part of me always knew something was wrong -- or at least different. After suffering quietly for about four years, I eventually got into eating disorder therapy with a psychologist and a psychiatrist. In addition, I have been hospitalized and have spent time in a residential eating disorder treatment center.

It was really helpful for me to be in the accepting and caring environment of the center. It provided me with a kind of rebirth to be with others in similar situations and the opportunity to share a mutual understanding of what we were fighting daily; suddenly my eating disorder didn't seem so powerful, knowing that we were all in on the battle and preoccupation together.

On the other hand, I hated the hospital because I felt even more alone, helpless, and hopeless there. Even though it probably saved my life at the time, it nevertheless was not beneficial for long-term help with the disease.

I continue to be in therapy and on medication. While I am working against this deadly enemy, I've experienced relapses. However, I now know that there is hope out there and that instead of ED killing me, I can kill ED.

With this in mind, I have learned to take not only one day, but one thing, at a time and to make the most of whatever I am presented with. Easier said than done, I often remind myself of what Emily Dickinson wrote:

"Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without words,

And never stops at all."

 

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Sue Age: 33 Binger

I'm 33 years old now, and I've had my eating disorder for around half my life, since I was 17 or 18, and in college. I was a slender girl in high school and able to eat all I wanted. All of a sudden, I gained 15 pounds my freshman year and 10 my sophomore year.

Funny thing is, compared to now, I wasn't really that fat then. In fact, I'm still not obese. I'm about 20 pounds overweight.

Back then, I tried to diet and started to binge. I would go to three different vending machines to get junk food, then sneak it into the library. For awhile, I alternated between dieting a few days and all out binges. Then, I descended into bulimia. I discovered laxatives could make me feel "clean" again after my binges.

Until I was 22, I binged once, sometimes twice a day, using 10-15 correctols at a time. I remember visiting a professor and having dizzy spells; I almost fainted. After a few more near-misses, I realized the laxatives were taking their toll. Through student health (I was in a graduate program), I went through some eating disorder group therapy. It enabled me to quit using laxatives, but the binges were still there. I relapsed into laxative use for a brief stressful time, but overall since then I have managed to stay off them with only a few one-time use lapses a year.

When I began therapy, I was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder, or manic depression. I started to see the first of quite a few psychiatrists and to take medication. For a while, the binges lifted to maybe one a week, and then they'd come back. I find it interesting that my moods don't really coincide with my binges. I could feel happy and still binge, and be depressed and not. I have had periodic remissions of the binge eating for a few months at different times over the years, and I don't know why.

The most recent thing I tried was a Breaking Free workshop by Geneen Roth. It worked for awhile. What I have come to realize is that sometimes the binge eating is useful and it helps me get through the day. Sometimes I allow it to exist. Other times I want to fight. I find that the chat room at this site has helped me resist binges. Someday I will beat this thing, I just need to keep trying different ways.

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Letters of Pain

Anna Age: 19 Anorexia

I am a nineteen year old female. I was anorexic when I was fifteen, but I still have to deal with this disease to this day.

At times I have to make myself eat and at other times I just have to decide that I won't listen to people's comments..

People's comments are what triggered this whole disease for me. I have always been skinny, but not as skinny as my older sister. I would look at her and think that I had to be skinnier than her since I was younger. People used to tell me that I was going to be fat when I got older. It was a big joke to a lot of people, but it affected me more than they will ever know. They made stupid comments like," Anna, you are getting so big that soon you won't be able to fit through the double doors."

Of course, I was not gaining weight but I just had to prove to everyone that I was not going to get fat. In the summer before ninth grade, I stopped eating. I tried to see how long I could go without eating anything.

I remember, one time I didn't eat for three weeks. I would chew gum and drink water, but never too much water because I thought that I might gain weight from the water. I liked to let people know that I had not eaten in three weeks and that I was just not hungry.

No one, except my sister, seemed to care that I was not eating. Her boyfriend's mom was a nurse so she talked to me about what I was doing to my body by not eating. I really didn't listen to her at first. Then I realized that by not eating I was not getting the attention that I wanted. I realized that there was other ways to get attention rather than starve myself.

At the beginning of the summer I weighed 105 lbs. By the end of the summer I weighed close to 85 lbs. and yet no one was really concerned about me.

I never had any treatment, but I wish that I had. I still have to make myself eat at times. I try to ignore people's comments. No matter how small they may seem, I know that they will affect me.

At times, I find myself not eating so I force myself to eat. My boyfriend knows all about my problems with eating and he strongly encourages me to eat. He knows when I haven't eaten in awhile and he makes me sit down and eat with him. I have problems eating with a lot of people especially if they are strangers.

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Lisa Age: 35 Compulsive Overeating

I have suffered from an eating disorder for about 8 years now! I am an overeater and a binger. When I get nervous or depressed, I tend to stuff my face with everything in sight until I get sick or diarrhea. Then I look at pictures of when I weighed between 110 and 120 and I go into severe manic depression.

Sometimes I just stay in bed for days and don't answer the phone or the door. When my kids and my husband ask me what is wrong, I just cry and tell them that I am a failure at everything and I wish I was dead! Of course, I then find solace in food or cigarettes. At other times, I go on diet binges and practically starve myself for days. Most times, I hide food from myself and everyone else and late at night I sneak out of bed and gorge. Then the cycle begins again!

I look in the mirror at myself and want to throw up. I am so disgusted with myself. Everyone that knows me says that I am a beautiful giving woman with a heart as big as Texas and that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for the people that I love. I just look at myself and see a butt as big as Texas!

This has caused many problems in my marriage and with our sex life. I won't let my husband even look at me with the lights on and our love making has dwindled down to practically nothing. Then I start thinking that he doesn't love me anymore and wants someone else because this has affected his performance too! He is afraid that if he can't perform, I will start thinking that it's because of my FAT! This is usually a correct statement. Thus, no sex life!

The kids really pussyfoot around me and basically stay out of my way or wait on me hand and foot when I get this way. I know I have a problem. I just don't know how to solve it! I have been to psychiatrists, counselors, doctors, and talk groups. I have tried every diet that has ever come out, even the quick weight loss program designed for patients who need surgery and starvation diets. I have tried exercise programs and walking. I have even tried taking laxatives!

PLEASE HELP me if you can, although at this point I feel there is no help! I am not a rich person and I don't have Richard Simmons helping me like I see all those people getting help on all those talk shows!

My family thinks that I am being silly and that I don't have any reason to feel depressed, so I keep it inside and eat some more.

 

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Karen Age: 27 Bulimia

I am currently afflicted with bulimia. I have been with this disorder for nearly 6 years. This disorder was a cure-all for my excessive weight in college. In fact, at first it wasn't a disorder at all. It was a gift. One that I did not, could not, let go. Now it is a curse, one I own.

I soon discovered this was consuming me and it was taking every essence of my being. I became obsessed with finding all I could about eating disorders. I was one who had control of it, not it of me. I researched for hours, denying myself of friends, of life. When I wasn't reading about it I was acting it out. I became involved with an eating disorder support group at the University of Northern Iowa. Not to get support but to satisfy my own obsession in hearing other people's stories. I could offer advice that would help but never needed any myself.

I finally admitted I more of a problem than I could 'solve' on my own. In the spring of my junior year I decided to go to a counselor. After a few sessions she urged me to go into an inpatient treatment facility. I shied away from this, but eventually entered.

I remained in for 9 weeks. I went through several methods of treatment. Antidepressant medication, psychotherapy and eating disorder group therapy. I came out of treatment with renewed strength and faith. After six months, I relapsed. I was continuing my counseling, but that ceased after a year. I was only getting worse.

My professional life was on the up and only getting better. My personal life was shot! I was becoming my disorder in a severe way. I began stealing food for my disorder. I continue to deteriorate and act out my disorder during any free minute I get. It is a compulsive habit that has become a full blown addiction.

My future? I wish I knew. I can only hope and envision myself becoming strong enough to overcome this. I have serious doubts that this will ever happen. I spend a vast amount of energy planning, covering up and acting out my other persona. I wish I could become a 'normal' person. I don't think that will ever happen.

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Shannon Age: 15 Anorexia

I suppose I do have an eating disorder. I have been depressed and I don't really know what kind of eating disorder I have.

I used to sort of be bulimic, but now I'm an anorexic overeater. I try to keep it from my friends and family, but it has affected me in a lot of ways. It's very frustrating and hard to deal with.

I do have a psychologist, but, because I am neither under weight or overweight, no one really takes me seriously. Last year and the year before, people thought I was anorexic. Now, everyone thinks everything is okay as long as I'm eating. No one really seems to understand that when I'm overeating, its just as bad as when I'm not eating at all.

I generally try to protect those around me, so I keep it hidden. I've never really figured out why eating is such a problem for me, but I always have a really hard time with food. I hope to someday be able to eat normally, without worrying about calories, or completely binging, but first I need to find the right help.

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Lynn Age: 33 Anorexia

I'm 33 years old and weigh 87 lbs, and I'm 5'3.

I guess you would say that I'm still in denial about having anorexia. I've had two doctors and one dietician tell me that my problems come from my low weight. When I initially went to the doctor because my heart beats too fast, he told me it was the result of an eating disorder. He put me on heart medication.

I haven't had any treatment for eating disorders. I refused to go because I don't think that's my problem. However, deep down, the more I look at things and talk to people, the more the doctors may be right. It's a fight within yourself, that I don't know who will win.

The crazy thing is: I'm 33 years old, a wife and the mother of two children. I'm a kindergarten teacher who asks the little guys what they eat for breakfast. I teach them that they need good food to grow nice and big and strong. Now they're saying that I'm anorexic.

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Lexie Age: 27 Compulsive Overeating

I am obese. I am 5'4" and weigh from 190 to 242...depending on the week. As a child, my parents were constantly after me to gain weight. As an adult, people feel the need to encourage me to lose weight.

The biggest problem I have is eating large quantities of food until I am sick. I don't want the food. I'm not hungry and it doesn't taste or feel good. I'm not sure why I do it. I have been told it is "self-medicating" to ease emotional pain.

It has GREATLY affected my relationships with others in that I cannot stand for people to touch me or stand close to me. When they do, I feel like I am so ugly and so dirty that it will "rub off" on them. I also feel like no one really wants to touch me or be around me because I am so disgusting. I punish myself physically for eating...cutting, hitting, and burning myself so that I won't eat again.

I guess part of the problem is that I go for days at a time eating nothing and then eat uncontrollably for a day or two, then eat nothing again. I hate myself. I hate how I look. I cry when I see myself in the mirror. I feel like I can never see exactly what I look like and I am constantly measuring and comparing myself to others to see if they are bigger or smaller.

I cannot eat out with others because I have to go to the restroom to throw up and I am afraid someone will hear me. At work, my boss recently asked if I was sick because she noticed an odor in the bathroom. So now, I have had to find another place to throw up so she won't know. Please excuse the graphic nature. I don't know how else to put it.

I want help. When you're low-income, it's hard to get.

 

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Letters from Parents

Michelle Daughter-16 Bulimia

I found out that my 16 year old daughter was bulimic approximately 2 years ago after I found a journal that she was writing. Actually, in my ignorance at the time, I thought she was just "going through a phase". I didn't believe that she was doing it often, nor did I believe that it would continue very long. These opinions were based on the fact that I never saw or heard her do it and she didn't appear to be losing weight.

I did not approach her with my discovery- and at about the same time she began counseling for depression. Her therapist confirmed to me that she was binging and purging.

She lost a classmate to suicide, then her beloved grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack. I know she started making herself throw up as a way of "having control" over her life, and "getting rid of the bad stuff". She never wanted to have me find out because she said that it is disgusting and she was afraid of disappointing me. In fact, it's only within the last few months that she became aware that I know about it.

She has seen a counselor for 2 years, which hasn't helped much. She says he doesn't understand. She took Prozac for 1 1/2 months, then refused to take it anymore-said it didn't make her feel better. She does access your message board and chatrooms which I think has helped her because she is able to talk to people who "understand".

No other members of the family are in counseling at this time. It seems like I am the only other person affected by it. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt! I feel like if I would have tried harder to give her a stronger self-esteem, she wouldn't be trying to hurt herself. I feel like I have failed her in some way. It scares me to think of the long term problems she is subjecting herself to. I also don't understand what would make a person want to do that.

That is why I access your channel, because I am desperately searching for ways to help my daughter before this gets completely out of control. I want to make her feel good about herself, and realize that she is a wonderful person.

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Letters of Recovery

Den Age: 34 Anorexia

Due to an 'on-going' horrendous childhood, I entered my teens with a very low opinion of myself.

I suppose I was around 12 when I first stopped eating. Looking back, I am not certain why? Only that I could, so I did! I think most people then considered it a 'teen' thing and that I would outgrow it. By the time I was 16, my periods had stopped and I weighed 84 pounds. I had full-blown anorexia.

My family doctor had me hospitalized. By then, it was no longer a choice element. The thought of food would bring on immediate nausea. I recall clearly one doctor that came to see me. He told me I was wasting his time and that my parents should 'do something' with me. That incident made me very wary of approaching medical people for a long time.

Over the years, I have received medication on and off, but I have quickly relapsed into my anorexia once support is withdrawn. The real crunch for me came in Spring '95. I collapsed. It was a heart attack. The years of self starvation had damaged my body irreversibly. I was in the hospital for 5 months. This time I received therapy for eating disorders as well as medication.

It has taken the 18 months since to regain my strength. I am now just over 105 pounds. I now do the grocery shopping. I couldn't face that for years. I even cook for my family.

To aid in my recovery, I was given extensive therapy on a one-to-one basis. I have to say that the therapy was the best treatment. The sub-conscious mind is an extraordinarily strong thing and my emotional difficulties needed to be addressed. I still have to use beta-blockers for my heart as I am left with a 'murmur' and morphine-based painkillers on occasion. I no longer though use medication for the anorexia.

Two things that I avoid that help me, weighing scales and mirrors. Both can bring about strong negative responses. It is a little like alcoholism. I will always have the tendency towards anorexia, but by avoiding certain triggers I can live a "normal life".

I will never be able to associate pleasure and food, but through education I can understand the necessity for it. I now acknowledge that eating is a task I must attend to and I've established a daily eating routine.

For me, it has always been about control, never weight. I do worry about relapsing and have never had the opportunity to talk to other people who have experienced this type of illness. Support is paramount and recovery can be tough as I often feel isolated. Few people understand how hard it is living with anorexia.

I hope that one day all kids will receive the help they need before their problem becomes deeply embedded. I now focus on today and worry about tomorrow when it arrives. I thank my husband and my kids for their support and belief in me.

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Amy Age: 28 Anorexia

I was 18 years old and off to college. I was overweight when I entered college, but by the end of my sophomore year I had lost over 100 pounds. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.

What started as a "FAD DIET", became a compulsion for me. I had gotten so bad at school with my starving, laxatives and diet pills, that I was forever passing out in my dorm room. I was in treatment at school with a psychiatrist at a local hospital that was pushing for hospitalization.

After passing out in my dorm room, ending up in the emergency room with low potassium, I was hospitalized on a general psychiatric unit for one month.

Besides the "fad diet", the big thing that really triggered my eating disorder was being raped at college. After 30 days of continued weight loss, my family was called to take me home to a hospital in New York that specialized in eating disorders.

I suffered from my eating disorder for 8 years with multiple hospitalizations ( I gave up counting after 12). I was tube fed on IV's and miserable. I was placed on antidepressant medications including Anafranil, Disipramine, Prozac and .

At the height of my illness, the eating disorder consumed my entire life. I gave up my friends, isolated myself in the house, dropped out of college (temporarily) and spent 5 days a week at the eating disorders' clinic for nutritional counseling and group therapy. Add to that, medical appointments three times per week. My family didn't understand this. To them, being thin was desirable at ANY COST.

I suffered many relapses and my eating disorder progressed to the point that I wanted to die. I reached that point of death and woke up in the ICU in 1994... that was when my recovery really began. My last hospitalization was in 1995.

I'm currently on Elavil. I'm also in out-patient psychotherapy on a weekly basis with my psychiatrist.

I have great hope for the future. I'm as close to eating disorder free as I think I can get. I refuse to let my eating disorder get out of control.

I went back to school and received my Master's Degree in Social Work. I am a practicing social worker and my intention is to help others fight this battle. My hopes and dreams for the future are to work with a non profit organization here in New York to help people with eating disorders get the treatment they need, even when they can't afford it.

I'm now married. I now have 2 1/2 years free of hospitalizations. Relapses happen with ED's and the media doesn't help at all...it's a never ending battle.

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Michelle Age: 27 bulimia

I am a 27 year old female who has been bulimic since I was 11.

I first learned about bulimia during a school orientation. Several of my friends and I tried it and I was the only one who liked it. I liked the fullness and sudden emptiness, the complete high feeling afterwards and also the instant relaxation that comes after throwing up.

I really was not an overweight child. I was very athletic and also never really paid much attention to my body until I began binging and purging. I did it occasionally until the age of 13. That's when I was raped by a family friend.

I then began purging without binging and anorexia. I was anorexic until I was 21. I entered the hospital at age 21 with a ruptured esophagus at 5 feet 6 inches and 100 lbs. I had maintained this weight for several years. I was insistent that I did not have an eating disorder and that I had the flu for several months. They did not believe it and called my parents.

I was out-of-state, going to college, and my mom flew to see me. She gave me an ultimatum, move home or go for treatment. I moved home. It was a mistake. I can see that now, 6 years later. But at the time, I was not ready to admit that I even had an eating disorder much less get treatment for it.

After moving home, I entered counseling for depression. I began to see that I did have an eating disorder and that was the first time I talked about the rape.

Several years later, I left home again after taking a job in my field of study. I had decreased my bulimic behavior to several times a week and also began using prescription drugs and cocaine to substitute for the relief of the bulimic behavior. I had a suicide attempt about 6 months after moving away from home. At that time, I was binging and purging approximately 15-20 times a day and wasn't working and obviously not paying my bills. Actually I wasn't doing anything but being bulimic.

I was committed to a treatment facility for several months. I just could not let go and stop purging. Then the court system forced me into drug treatment. I was told at that time that I was chronic and that I would never get better. I really did not care. I was ready to let bulimia kill me. I went to drug treatment, entered a half way house and attempted suicide again, also binging and purging many times a day and was committed to a state institution.

It was at this time that I took a serious look at my life and decided that I did not want to be bulimic anymore. I just could not seem to stop the behavior. I felt as if I was addicted. I could not maintain a healthy weight and I was severely depressed. Medication did not do much good for me because I was purging so much that it never had an opportunity to get into my system. I spent several months in this state hospital and was released. I moved back near my family with the hopes of working things out and maybe that would "cure me".

I have found that the only cure for me is to be honest about my feelings and to not "throw them up". Bulimia is a way I punish myself. I punish myself for feeling sad, happy, succeeding, failing, not being perfect and for doing a good job. I am learning that life is just one moment at a time and that often I can only say: "okay, for the next 5 minutes I will not binge or purge."

After having serious health problems several months ago with my heart and my kidneys, I faced the ultimatum, was I going to listen to my body or my eating disorder. I have chosen to listen to my body. It is hard and not always what I do. I am finding that the more I do listen to my body, the less my head tells me to binge and purge.

I think the hardest part for me is letting go of what I thought my eating disorder represented in my life: "stability, love, nurturance and acceptance". Trusting myself, and others, to find those things outside of food, and also learning to accept my body, has been very freeing.

I am not at a place where I can honestly say I love my body, but I can accept it for what it does for me and stop punishing it for what it doesn't do. My expectations today of life are: "one day at a time"; and I am finding that at the end of the day, if I slip and purge, I can forgive myself, look at why it happened and know that tomorrow is another chance for me to choose to be healthy.

I hope that one day there will be a place where people with eating disorders can go to find support, help and love for where they are at at the moment and not for where everyone thinks they should be. That was the hardest part of recovery. Today I am grateful that I have the experiences I have and I look forward to finding out what life is like when I live on life's terms and choose to do that bulimia free.

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Mary Age: 17 Anorexia

I had anorexia for about two years. It started as a weight thing. I thought I needed to lose a little weight to look better. Everyone around me and in magazines seemed to be so thin and gorgeous.

I started eating less, maybe one meal a day. Sometimes I would have snacks in between, but soon, that ended, too.

In the beginning, I weighed about 100 lbs. In a few months, I was down to 90. This didn't seem to be enough. I had to lose it quicker. So I started exercising every night, like a maniac. I did about two hundred sit-ups, a hundred leg lifts, and several other small exercises.

I also started eating even less. One day, I would eat maybe half a sandwich, then I wouldn't eat the next. I finally thought I'd reached my goal! 80lbs. But I still thought I was big. To me, though, the problem had changed from wanting to be thin, to an obsession with depriving myself of everything, mainly food.

My parents sent me to a psychiatrist, but it didn't help. So after a few weeks, I was on medication. They changed my medication four times, trying desperately to get me to eat, but nothing worked. I had slowly gone downhill. I was depressed all the time, only thinking about my weight. I was so hungry, but the guilt seemed worse than the starvation, so I continued.

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My older brother had always been my hero, but one night, he cut his wrists. He lived, but it left a very vivid picture in my head. I could just kill myself and not have to worry anymore! I tried overdosing on muscle relaxers, but was only sent to the emergency room. A month later, I, too, cut my wrists. Nothing worked.

I ended up going to a hospital for other people with my problem, depression. But when I was in the hospital, I realized that nobody else had the two problems I had, depression and anorexia. I left the hospital after a week, unchanged. The psychiatrist changed my medication again, to Prozac. At this point, I was probably 75lbs. Three weeks passed, and I was slowly eating more, about a sandwich and a half each day. I pulled my weight up to 90 again. When I weighed myself, I started crying. I relapsed and dropped back down to 80lbs.

I cried all the time. Nothing was helping me and there was no way out. Everything seemed hopeless. A voice in my head constantly monitored what I ate, or even drank.

I returned to the hospital and this time listened to everything, and tried to actually learn what was causing this problem and what I could do to get out of the nightmare I had made for myself.

Now, a few months later, I feel somewhat relieved that most of this is over. I can eat more now and only hear the voice, if I let myself. Knowing that you can eat healthy, and stay thin, makes a big difference. You don't have to starve yourself to be that way.

I weigh 105 lbs. now and I feel happy about it. Every once in awhile, the voice will try to creep back in, but I just ignore it and continue trying to stay healthy.

I'm 17, but it seems like I've been through an awful lot. Thanks for asking me to write. I hope you can use it to help anyone that might have the same problems. They have to know, they're not the only ones, that's for sure!

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Denise Age: 17 Bulimia

It all started as an obsession with diet pills, but they never worked. So I started to starve myself. When I couldn't do that anymore either, that's when I decided that I can eat all I wanted and get "rid" of it. That's bulimia in a nutshell.

It was really easy at first and I had no problem doing it until I got weak and constantly felt sick. Not to mention the sore throat. In the beginning, I was 116 pounds. I'm 5'4". Now I realize that wasn't bad at all. I got down to 98 pounds and I was even more upset when no one had noticed that I had shed a pound.

I was constantly miserable and everyone around me had noticed. I also had an obsession with laxatives. Sounds gross, but it was another way to lose weight.

In my eyes, I think I still look horrible and I will never be perfect. I'm trying my hardest to stop this and slowly I am.

To most girls it sounds so perfect, but it's not. It's disgusting and painful and I would not want anyone to go though what I have been going through for the last few months.

I know it sounds like I am an old woman preaching this to you, but I'm not. I'm 17 years old and I'm really glad that I'm taking control of my problem before it got too serious.

next: Eating Disorders: Anorexia Nervosa - The Most Deadly Mental Illness
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

The intention of this page is to speak to those who may not yet be in, or who've recently begun, depression treatment.

If you're not getting treatment for depression

Let's assume, right now, that you are reading this because you are pretty sure you have depression. I doubt that a page with this title would appeal to you, otherwise. Let's also assume that you haven't looked for depression treatment yet.

Having said that, I encourage you, as strongly as I can, to get help! Call your doctor, a crisis line (a suicide-prevention line will do--even if you aren't suicidal, they can help), a clergyman, or anyone listed in the Yellow Pages as a psychologist, social worker, or psychiatrist. Any of these people will be happy to help, either by beginning your treatment, or referring you to someone who will.

I know all of the reasons why you don't think you can, or should, do this. Here are some of the thoughts you may be having about it and my responses to them:

• I don't have depression, this is just "a phase" which will pass.

If your lousy mood has gone on for more than a few weeks, it's not going to "pass" all by itself. Get help.

• All I have to do is "get my act together." I can snap out of it.

Doesn't work that way. First of all, "get your act together" is meaningless. The reason you feel as though things are out of control is the depression itself. Until you address the depression, you cannot just "snap out of it." Get help.

• I don't need a pill to make me feel better.

Anti-depressants don't "make you feel better." They simply take the edge off of the depression so that you can work your way out of it. A professional, not you, is better able to tell if medication will help. Talk to one; get help.

• But I don't want to become addicted!

Anti-depressants are non-addicting. Get help.

• Therapy won't do any good, I can always talk to my friends.

Really? Hmm. How is it that you are depressed, then, if the help you need is there when you want it? Obviously this approach doesn't work for you! Get help.

• I don't feel like going to therapy and dredging up the past.

All the more reason to go. You may be depressed because of those things you don't want to talk about. Get help.

• If people find out I'm depressed, they'll think I'm nuts.

OK, I won't lie to you here. Depression carries a stigma in our culture. There will be people whose opinions of you may change if they hear you have depression. However, are those the type of people you really want to have around you? Of course not--they are ignoramuses. Besides, getting help doesn't mean everyone has to know you are depressed. Even if some people think you are "nuts," this is nothing compared to the depression. Get help.

• It won't work for me.

That's the depression talking. Tell it to "shut up" by getting help.

• I deserve this, I ought to suffer, I shouldn't get rid of it.

I've heard the "punishment from God" stuff before, and believe me, it just isn't so. The God most people worship doesn't want people to suffer. He wants them to be happy. Get help.

• I've heard it takes a long time to get better and I'm at the end of my rope, now; I can't wait.

I won't lie about this either. It will take a few weeks for you to feel noticeably better. But at least you know you're getting somewhere. Sitting around moping certainly isn't any better than trying treatment. Get help.

The National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE provides access to trained telephone counselors, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Or for a crisis center in your area, go here.

next: What To Do If You Are Suicidal
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"Some people find fault like there's a reward for it."
- Zig Ziglar

Self acceptance is being loving and happy with who you are NOW. Some call it self-esteem, others self-love, but whatever you call it, you'll know when your accepting yourself cause it feels great. Its an agreement with yourself to appreciate, validate, accept and support who you are at this very moment, even those parts you'd like to eventually change. This is important...even those parts you'd eventually like to change. Yes, you can accept (be okay with) those parts of yourself you want to change some day.

The Motivation Behind Your Lack of Acceptance

If acceptance feels so good and is so good for us, then why don't we accept ourselves? The answer is motivation. We use our lack of acceptance (punishment - cause it feels bad) as motivation to get us to do, not do, be, and not be what we think we should. Many people believe that if they accepted themselves as they are, they wouldn't change or that they wouldn't work on becoming more of who they want to be.

Typically, we judge ourselves unfavorably with the hope it will motivate us to change. We hope if we feel bad enough about ourselves, that maybe that will motivate us to change. Does this work? Sometimes, but only short term. Most times all it does is cause us to feel bad which saps the energy you might have used to make changes. It can be a vicious cycle. It works exactly counter to what you wanted to do.

"Acceptance allows change. The 'acceptance mode' includes everything, even my judgments. It allows me to be okay now, even before I reach my goals."

"When you begin to accept yourself the way you are right now, you begin a new life with new possibilities that did not exist before because you were so caught up in the struggle against reality that that was all you could do."

- Traveling Free, Mandy Evans

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continue story below

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So if it doesn't work, why do we keep doing it? Because we hope it will work. And if you don't know any other way to change, what options do you have? We've been trained to believe that in order to change, we need to first feel bad about it. That if we're accepting and loving of that particular quality, that we won't do anything to change the situation, which is not true! You don't have to be unhappy with yourself to know and actively change those things you'd like to change about yourself. Acceptance is actually the very first step in the process of change. For more about this, see "an interview about acceptance"

Think of acceptance of yourself like being okay with where you live now. You may want a bigger house one day. You may dream about that new home. But there ARE advantages to living in a smaller home if you only took the time to think about it. It is possible to be happy with the home you're in now, while still dreaming and working to make your new home a reality.

Process Of Acceptance

Acceptance exists at the core of your being. It is your default status. In order to reach this base level of acceptance, you need only remove the items laying on top. To do this, you must first identify all the things you do not accept about yourself. Then, one by one, eliminate them by examinging and questioning your beliefs around that issue.

• Know yourself and your beliefs
• Take a good hard look at your honesty level
• Know you are doing the best you can
• Relax your value judgments
• Examine guilt
• Understand your motivations
• Ask yourself questions about what you don't accept

next: Society and Acceptance

If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, here is a list of sites that provide contact information for depression and suicide crisis centers and hotlines in your area.

• National Suicide Prevention Hotline
  1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
  For U.S.

• National Hopeline Network
  (1-800-SUICIDE, 1-800-784-2433)
  For U.S., Canada, UK, Singapore

• Befrienders International
  Crisis Lines
  41 countries worldwide

next: Conversation Techniques
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