Family members, friends are often shocked when learning of the self-injurious activities of a loved one. Dr. Tracy Alderman, the author of "The Scarred Soul," discusses how to help the person who self-injures.

After having an awful day at work and an even worse time fighting the traffic to come home, Joan wanted nothing more than to sit down on her couch, turn on the television, order out for pizza and relax for the rest of the evening. But when Joan walked into the kitchen, what she saw indicated that this would not be the evening of her dreams. Standing in front of the sink was her fourteen-year-old daughter, Maggie. Maggie's arms were covered with blood, long slashes on her forearms dripping fresh blood into the running water of the kitchen sink. A single-edged razor blade sat on the counter along with several once-white towels, now stained crimson by Maggie's own blood. Joan dropped her briefcase and stood before her daughter in silent shock, unable to believe what she saw.

It is likely that many of you have had a similar experience and reaction to learning of the self-injurious activities of a loved one. This article is intended to provide some support, advice, and education to those of you who have friends and family who engage in activities of self-inflicted violence.

Self-Inflicted Violence: The Basics

Self-Inflicted Violence (SIV) is best described as the intentional harm of one's own body without conscious suicidal intent. Most types of SIV involve cutting of one's own flesh (usually the arms, hands, or legs), burning one's self, interfering with the healing of wounds, excessive nail biting, pulling out one's own hair, hitting or bruising one's self, and intentionally breaking one's own bones. SIV is more common than you might think with roughly 1% of the general population engaging in these behaviors (and this is likely to be greatly underestimated). The explanations for why people intentionally injure themselves are numerous and diverse. However, most of these explanations indicate that SIV is used as a method of coping and tends to make life more tolerable (at least temporarily).

How Can I Help Those Who Are Hurting Themselves?

Unfortunately, there is no magic cure for self-inflicted violence. However, there are some things which you can do (and some things you shouldn't do) which can help those individuals who are hurting themselves. Keep in mind though, that unless someone wants your help, there is nothing in the world that you can do to assist that individual.

Talk About Self-Inflicted Violence

SIV exists whether you talk about it or not. As you know, ignoring anything does not make it disappear. The same is true with self-inflicted violence: it will not go away because you are pretending it doesn't exist.

Talking about self-inflicted violence is essential. Only through open discussions of SIV will you be able to help those who are hurting themselves. By addressing the issues of self-injury you are removing the secrecy which surrounds these actions. You are reducing the shame attached to self-inflicted violence. You are encouraging a connection between you and your self-injuring friends. You are helping to create change just by the mere fact that you are willing to discuss SIV with the person who performs those behaviors.

You may not know what to say to the individual who is performing acts of SIV. Fortunately, you don't have to know what to say. Even by acknowledging that you want to talk, but you're not sure how to proceed, you are opening the channels of communication.

Be Supportive

Talking is one way to provide support, however, there are numerous other ways to show your support to another. One of the most helpful ways by which to determine how you could offer support is to directly ask how you might be helpful. In doing so, you might find that your idea of what is helpful is vastly different from how others view what is helpful. Knowing what kind of assistance to offer and when to offer it is necessary in order to be helpful.

Although it may be difficult for you, it is really important that in being supportive you keep your negative reactions to yourself. Because judgments and negative responses contrast with support, you will need to put these feelings aside for the time being. You can only be supportive when you act in supportive ways. This is not to say that you should not or will not have judgments or negative reactions to SIV. However, conceal these beliefs and feelings while you are performing helpful behaviors. Later, when you are not assisting your friend, go ahead and release these thoughts and emotions.

Be Available

Most individuals who injure themselves, will not do so in the presence of others. Therefore, the more you are with those individuals who hurt themselves, the less opportunity they will have to inflict self-harm. By offering your company and your support, you are actively decreasing the likelihood of SIV.

Many people who hurt themselves have difficulty recognizing or stating their own needs. Therefore, it is helpful for you to offer the ways in which you are willing to help. This will allow your friends to know when and in what ways they are able to rely on you.

You will need to set and maintain clear and consistent limits with your self-injuring friends. Thus, if you are not willing to take crisis calls after nine in the evening, then indicate this to your friends. If you can only offer support over the telephone, rather than in person, be clear about that. When individuals need support around issues of SIV, they need to know who is available to help them and in what manner they can offer help. While what you do for your friends is important, establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries is equally necessary for the relationship (and your own sanity).

Don't Discourage Self-Injury

Although this may seem difficult and irrational, it is important for you to not discourage your friends or family from engaging in acts of self-inflicted violence. Rules, shoulds, shouldn'ts, dos and don'ts all limit us and place restrictions on our freedom. When we maintain the right to choose, our choices are much more powerful and effective.

Telling an individual to not injure herself is both aversive and condescending. Because SIV is used as a method of coping and is often used as an attempt to relieve emotional distress when other methods have failed, it is essential for the person to have this option. Most individuals would choose to not hurt themselves if they could. Although SIV produces feelings of shame, secrecy, guilt and isolation, it continues to be utilized as a method of coping. That individuals will engage in self-injurious behaviors despite the many negative effects is a clear indication of the necessity of this action to their survival.

Although it may be incredibly difficult to witness a loved one's fresh wounds, it is really important that you offer support, and not limits, to that individual.

Recognize the Severity of the Person's Distress

Most people don't self-injure because they're curious and wonder what it would be like to hurt themselves. Instead, most SIV is the result of high levels of emotional distress with few available means to cope. Although it may be difficult for you to recognize and tolerate, it is important that you realize the extreme level of emotional pain individuals experience surrounding SIV activities.

Open wounds are a fairly direct expression of emotional pain. One of the reasons why individuals injure themselves is so that they transform internal pain into something more tangible, external and treatable. The wound becomes a symbol of both intense suffering and of survival. It is important to acknowledge the messages sent by these scars and injuries.

Your ability to understand the severity of your friend's distress and empathize appropriately will enhance your communication and connection. Don't be afraid to raise the subject of emotional pain. Allow your friends to speak about their inner turmoil rather than express this turmoil through self-damaging methods.

Get Help For Your Own Reactions

Most of us have had the experience at some point in our lives of feeling distressed by our reactions to someone else's behavior. Al-Anon and similar self-help groups were created to help the friends and families of individuals dealing with problems of addiction and similar behaviors. At this point in time, no such organizations exist for those coping with a loved one's SIV behaviors. However, the basic premise upon which these groups were designed clearly applies to the issue of self-inflicted violence. Sometimes the behavior of others affects us in such a profound manner that we need help in dealing with our reactions. Entering psychotherapy to deal with your responses to SIV is one such way to handle the reactions which you may find to be overwhelming or disturbing.

You may find it strange to seek help for someone else's problem. However, the behaviors of others can have profound effects on us. This effect is further strengthened by the mysteriousness, secrecy, and misconceptions about self-inflicted violence. Thus, entering psychotherapy (with a knowledgeable clinician) can educate you about SIV as well as assist you in understanding and altering your own reactions. When you learn that a friend or family member is injuring herself, you are likely to have an intense emotional reaction and psychotherapy will help you deal with these reactions.

Sometimes asking for help is really difficult. The individuals who have come to you telling you of their SIV and asking for your help are highly aware of this. Follow in their path. If you need (or want) help, get it. Seek a trained professional. Ask some friends for support. Speak with a religious counsel if that's helpful. Whatever you need to do in order to take care of yourself, do it. You have to take care of yourself before you can assist another. When trying to help friends and family members who are injuring themselves, this point is critical. We cannot be of much use to anyone else if we, ourselves are in a state of need.

Tracy Alderman, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of a well-known book on self-injury, "The Scarred Soul".

Tips for parents and teens on getting help for dealing with and stopping self-injury.

Parents are encouraged to talk with their children about respecting and valuing their bodies. Parents should also serve as role models for their teenagers by not engaging in acts of self-harm. Some helpful ways for adolescents to avoid hurting themselves include learning to:

• accept reality and find ways to make the present moment more tolerable.
• identify feelings and talk them out rather than acting on them.
• distract themselves from feelings of self-harm (for example, counting to ten, waiting 15 minutes, saying "NO!" or "STOP!," practicing breathing exercises, journaling, drawing, thinking about positive images, using ice and rubber bands)
• stop, think, and evaluate the pros and cons of self-injury.
• soothe themselves in a positive, non-injurious, way.
• practice positive stress management.
• develop better social skills.

Evaluation by a mental health professional may assist in identifying and treating the underlying causes of self-injury. Feelings of wanting to die or kill themselves are reasons for adolescents to seek professional care right away. A child and adolescent psychiatrist can also diagnose and treat the serious psychiatric disorders that may accompany self-injurious behavior.

See also "Self-Help for Self-Injury"

Source:

• The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP)

How can a person who self-injures stop this self-harming behavior? Here are some good self-harm coping skills.

Most people who self-harm want to stop hurting themselves and they can do this by trying to develop new ways of coping and communicating. However, some people feel a need not only to change their behavior but also to understand why they have resorted to harming themselves.

There are a number of techniques that can reduce the risk of serious injury or minimize the harm caused by self-inflicted injury. This list is not exhaustive - different people find different things useful in various situations. So if one doesn't work, try another.

• stop and try to work out what would have to change to make you no longer feel like hurting yourself
• count down from ten (nine, eight, seven)
• point out five things, one for each sense, in your surroundings to bring your attention on to the present
• breathe slowly - in through the nose and out through the mouth.

If you still feel like cutting, try:

• marking yourself with a red water-soluble felt-tip pen instead of cutting
• a punch bag to vent the anger and frustration
• plunging your hands into a bowl of ice cubes (not for too long, though)
• rubbing ice where you'd otherwise cut yourself

There are several other things you can do to help yourself better cope with self-injury:

• Acknowledge that this is a problem, that you are hurting on the inside, and that you need professional assistance to stop injuring yourself.
• Realize that this is not about being bad or stupid - this is about recognizing that a behavior that somehow was helping you handle your feelings has become as big a problem as the one it was trying to solve in the first place.
• Find one person you trust - maybe a friend, teacher, minister, counselor, or relative - and say that you need to talk about something serious that is bothering you ("How Do You Tell Someone You Self-Injure?").
• Get help in identifying what "triggers" your self-harming behaviors and ask for help in developing ways to either avoid or address those triggers.
• Recognize that self-injury is an attempt to self-sooth, and that you need to develop other, better ways to calm and sooth yourself.

Sources:

Helpguide.org

There is no magic pill for stopping self-harm. Therapeutic approaches help people who self-injure to learn new coping mechanisms to deal with feelings instead of self-injury.

Self-harm is almost always a symptom of another problem comorbid to self-injury. While the problem can be addressed directly through behavioral and stress-management techniques, it may also be necessary to look at and treat other problems. This could involve anything from medication to psychodynamic therapy.

Current methods of treatment involve using medications such as antidepressants, mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety drugs to alleviate the underlying symptoms that patients are attempting to cope with via self-injury. Once the patient becomes stabilized on medication, deeper therapeutic work must be done to deal with any underlying problems that are contributing to these symptoms. Long-term recovery from self-injury involves learning new techniques for coping with turbulent emotions. Perhaps most importantly, patients need to be treated with compassion rather than force.

Hospitalization and taking away implements used for self-injury may make friends and family feel more secure, but the patient is left feeling fearful and completely defenseless. Long-term healing involves helping the patient to control symptoms in a more positive way, such as journaling and anger management skills. If a negative coping skill is removed, it is crucial to replace it with a more positive one. The patient's desire to cooperate and get well is a major factor in recovery.

Finding a Specialist to Treat Self-Injury

Of all disturbing patient behaviors, self-mutilation is often described as the most difficult for clinicians to understand and treat. Typically, these therapists and mental health practitioners are left feeling a combination of helplessness, horror, guilt, fury, and sadness.

Most local mental health teams are prepared to see and assess people who self-harm but, where the underlying problems are too complex, may decide to refer the patient to more specialized services.

There are very few self-injury treatment centers / programs in the U.S. where staff members have the necessary training and experience to allow them to confront and manage such seemingly bizarre behavior. One is the S.A.F.E. Alternatives program, a specialist treatment center for those who suffer from self-injury.

If you are searching for professional help, ask your doctor for a referral, call your county medical society and county psychological association along with area psychiatric hospitals.

When telling someone you self-harm, there are many things to take into consideration. Consider revealing your self-injury to someone you trust.

Telling someone that you are a self-injurer is scary. You don't know how they will react. In a way, it can be viewed as similar to coming out as gay or lesbian. Although it is very common, it may not be considered "acceptable" to others. Be careful whom you choose to tell. Choose someone you really trust. You can disclose in a conversation or in a letter that you present to them or by e-mail. If you choose the last two, be ready to follow it up with a chat session or phone call.

Keep these points in mind:

• Be willing to give the person some time to digest what you have told them. You may have caught them by surprise and first reactions are not always the best indicators of their feelings. Give them some space, but be ready for their questions.
• Be as open as you can and give them as much information as you can. Give them internet addresses like this one or ways to get additional information or books to read. People are afraid of things that they don't understand.
• Try to anticipate what questions they might ask. If they ask you something that you are not ready to talk about yet, tell them that.
• Realize that it can be as difficult for them to hear what you have to say, as it is for you to say it. Anyone that you are that close to will not want you to hurt and will want to help. They may wonder where they went wrong and feel guilty that they did not notice. Be sure to tell them that this is a choice you made and you were not ready for their help earlier but need it now.
• You do not have to accept their value judgments about your self-injury.
• Let the person know you are telling them because you trust them, not because you are trying to punish, manipulate or guilt-trip them.
• Never tell someone in anger. ("You made me cut/burn/hit.") Do not blame the person for their behaviors which may have triggered you or for not seeing your pain. They'll get defensive and angry. You want their understanding, not their guilt and besides, self-injury is always your choice.
• If you have a friend or a counselor that you trust you may want them to be present to give you support, but do not expect them to tell the other person for you.
• It's usually best to avoid graphic descriptions of your injuries. You are not trying to freak them out. They probably don't need a technicolor description of your worst incident. If they have any questions later then you can give them the details in another conversation once they have had a chance to absorb what you told them.

For many people, the thought of self-injury is shocking; an incomprehensible thought. Here are the reasons why people self-injure, engage in self-injurious behaviors, and commit acts of self-harm.

For many, self-harming behavior starts in childhood, disguising scratches and bumps as accidents and progressing to more systematic cutting and burning in adolescence.

There are different theories as to why people self-mutilate. One is that because victims of childhood sexual abuse were forbidden to reveal the truth about their abuse, they use self-mutilation or self-cutting to express the horror of their abuse to the world.

Another theory is that sexual abuse in early childhood leads to extremely low self-esteem. If very low self-esteem develops, self-harm as an expression of self-hatred is understandable.

One research finding is that self-harmers tend to grow up in an 'invalidating environment' - one where the communication of private experiences is met with unreliable, inappropriate or extreme responses. As a result, expressing private experiences is not validated, instead, it's trivialized or punished.

The problem with these theories is that (in the case of the sexual abuse theory, for example) not everyone who's been sexually abused starts to self-harm, and not everyone who self-harms has been sexually abused.

Pain and Pleasure of Self-Injury

Another theory for self-cutting is that it triggers release of the body's natural opiate-like chemicals to reduce the pain. Perhaps self-cutters have become addicted to their body's heroin-like reaction to cutting, which is why they do it again and again. They may also experience withdrawal if they haven't done it for a while.

Drugs used to treat heroin addicts may be helpful with self-cutters, but mostly for those who describe a 'high' after they've cut themselves.

Another theory, which in-patient units often use, is based on the psychological principle that all behavior has consequences that are somehow rewarding. Cutting usually leads to a sequence of behavior - increased attention, for example - that may become a rewarding reason to repeat the behavior.

Staff in hospital specialist units are specially trained to ensure that no consequences follow from an episode of cutting that could be rewarding. Instead, when the patient stops cutting themselves they're rewarded with increased attention from staff.

Sources:

• Favazza, A. R. (1989). Why patients mutilate themselves. Hospital and Community Psychiatry.
• Solomon, Y. & Farrand, J. (1996). "Why don't you do it properly?" Young women who self-injure. Journal of Adolescence, 19(2), 111-119.
• Miller, D. (1994). Women Who Hurt Themselves: A Book of Hope and Understanding. New York: BasicBooks.

Self-injury is defined as any intentional injury to one's own body. It can include cutting, burning, and other forms of self-harm, self-mutilation. Here are the signs of self-injury.

People who self-harm become very adept at hiding scars or explaining them away. Look for signs such as a preference for wearing concealing clothing at all times (e.g. long sleeves in hot weather), an avoidance of situations where more revealing clothing might be expected (e.g. unexplained refusal to go to a party), or unusually frequent complaints of accidental injury (e.g. a cat owner who frequently has scratches on their arms).

Types of Self-Harm

The most common forms are cutting the arms, hands, and legs, and less commonly the face, abdomen, breasts and even genitals. Some people burn or scald themselves, others inflict blows on their bodies, or bang themselves against something.

Other forms of self-harm include scratching, picking, biting, scraping and occasionally inserting sharp objects under the skin or into body orifices, and swallowing sharp objects or harmful substances ("Why Do Self-Injurers Engage in Self-Harm?").

Common forms of self-injury that rarely reach medical attention include people pulling out their own hair and eyelashes, and scrubbing themselves so hard they break the skin (sometimes using cleaners such as bleach).

Additional forms of self-harm may include:

• carving
• branding
• marking
• biting
• headbanging
• bruising
• hitting
• tattooing
• excessive body piercing

There are various reasons why self-injurers hurt themselves. However, self-injurers also share common psychological characteristics.

Although self-injury is recognized as a common problem among the teenage population, it is not limited to adolescents. People of all sexes, nationalities, socioeconomic groups and ages can be self-injurers.

Self-injurers suffer in silent shame and isolation. It is estimated that self-injurers comprise at least 1% of the population, with a higher proportion being female, and nearly half admitting to being victims of physical and/or sexual abuse in childhood. A significant number of self-mutilators also suffer from eating disorders, alcohol abuse and/or drug abuse problems, personality disorders, and/or mood disorders. While each self-mutilator has a different story to tell, all share certain characteristics:

• The self-harm behavior is recurrent.
• The self-injurer experiences a mounting sense of fear, dread, anxiety, anger, or tension before the event.
• A sense of relief accompanies the event.
• A sense of deep shame follows.
• The self-injurer attempts to cover-up any evidence (e.g. scars) of his/her act.

More on the psychological characteristics common in self-injurers here

The Adolescent Self-injurer

Some adolescents may self-mutilate to take risks, rebel, reject their parents' values, state their individuality or merely be accepted. Others, however, may injure themselves out of desperation or anger to seek attention, to show their hopelessness and worthlessness, or because they have suicidal thoughts. These children may suffer from serious psychiatric problems such as depression, psychosis, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Bipolar Disorder. Additionally, some adolescents who engage in self-injury may develop Borderline Personality Disorder as adults. Some young children may resort to self-injurious acts from time to time but often grow out of it. Children with mental retardation and/or autism as well as children who have been abused or abandoned may also show these behaviors.

Sources:

• Levenkron, S. (1998) Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation. New York: W. W. Norton
• The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Self-Injury In Adolescents, No. 73, Dec. 1999.

next: Who self-injures? Psychological Characteristics Common in Self-Injurers

Note: this is only a brief excerpt from the above manuscript to give the reader an overview of dissociative symptoms.

Many patients with dissociative disorders need to express the "memories and feelings connected to their traumas, but are afraid to, because of the fear, pain, anger, and shame connected to them, of which they may not even be conscious" (Franklin, 1988, p.29). Franklin suggests that this leads to a conflict between expression and hiding which often leads to a compromise where the memories and feelings escape through subtle signs of dissociation. In relation to models of suppression and repression, Franklin states that the subtle signs are returns of the dissociated rather than a return of the repressed and that internal or external stressors may serve as triggers which activate these memories.

Loewenstein (1991) in his interview model created to diagnosis MPD through dissociative signs grouped many of these subtle signs or symptoms into a matrix of outlining symptom clusters:

(1) Process (MPD) symptoms:

• Alter attributes
• Passive influence symptoms/interference phenomena
• Hallucinations/pseudohallucination
• Linguistic usage
• Switching

(2) Amnesia Symptoms

• Blackouts/time loss
• Disremembered behavior
• Fugues
• Unexplained possessions
• Inexplicable changes in relationships
• Fluctuations in skills/habits/knowledge
• Fragmentary recall of entire life history
• Chronic mistaken identity experiences
• "Micro"-dissociations

(3) Autohypnosis Symptoms (Manifest by High Hypnotizability)

• Spontaneous trances
• Enthrallment
• Spontaneous age regression
• Negative hallucinations
• Voluntary anesthesia
• Out-of-body experiences
• Trance logic
• Eye roll and switching

(4) PTSD Symptoms

• Psychological trauma
• Intrusive/imagery/revivification/flashbacks
• Nightmares
• Reactivity to triggers/panic/anxiety
• Hyperarousal/startle response
• Numbing/avoidance/detachment

(5) Somatoform Symptoms

• Conversion symptoms
• Pseudoseizures
• Somatoform pain symptoms
• Somatization disorder/Briquet's syndrome
• Somatic memory

(6) Affective Symptoms

• Depressed mood
• Mood swings
• Vegetative symptoms
• Suicidal thoughts or attempts/self-mutilation
• Guilt
• Helpless/hopeless" (p. 569)

Loewenstien states that many patients show subtle signs of dissociation as expression of the conflict between expression (of memories and feelings connected to their traumas) and hiding. He also states that child abuse, trauma, and family violence is the single largest preventable cause of mental illnes and that it is in this light that dissociative symptoms should be routinely and persistently looked for and inquired after to insure proper mental health care delivery.

__________________________________

References

Franklin, J. (1988) Diagnosis of covert and subtle forms of multiple personality disorder. Dissociation Vol. 1,No. 2, pp 27-32.

Kluft, R.P. (1985) Making the diagnosis of multiple personality disorder (MPD). In F.F. Flach (Ed.), Directions in Psychiatry (Vol. 5, Lesson 23). New York: Haterleigh.

Loewenstein, R.J. (1991) An office mental status examination for complex chronic dissociative symptoms and multiple personality disorder. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, Vol. 14, No. 3, pp 567-604.

Putnam, F.W. (1985) Dissociation as a response to extreme trauma. In R.P. Kluft (Ed.), Childhood antecedents of multiple personality. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press.

next:  The Spectrum of Dissociative Disorders: An Overview of Diagnosis and Treatment

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"Thank you. I was afraid and searching today. Your words in this article lifted my spirit and my awareness, and brought me back to center so that I could breathe deeply and view the present with clear perspective instead of through my veils of fear. I was in dire need of a reminder. Ahhhh ... thanks again." - Cathy

I am willing to trust. I know that to the degree I am willing to give up my search for a healthy love relationship, I can have it. I know I can have whatever I am ready and willing to receive. Individual receptivity is everything. Without it, nothing changes. With it, all things are possible. I no longer insist upon my choice.

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I let go of the past, and I am free to think clearly and positively in the present. I am not my past.

Letting go is the natural release which always follows the realization that holding on is an energy drain and it hurts. Letting go happens effortlessly when there is no other choice. Letting go does not mean giving up.

• LoveNote. . . A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth -- with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. Tebbetts

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I know that stress in my love relationship exists because I insist! What I resist, persists. I am tied to whatever I avoid.

• LoveNote. . . The heart loves, but moods have no loyalty. Moods should be heard but never danced to. - Hugh Prather

It is a mistaken belief that I must push my love relationship in the direction I choose that keeps me in a strained and unhappy relationship with it. Reality has its own effortless course, and I can either embrace its way or struggle endlessly with mine.

I do not need power to flow.

I let go of that part of myself that is certain it is better to suffer and feel like someone than it is to just let go and quietly be no one. I give birth to a new me that never has to hold on to anything because it is already everything.

I dare to walk away from all of the familiar but useless mental and emotional relationships that give me a temporary but unsatisfactory sense of self. My true identity is calling me and to hear it I must be willing to endure, for as long as necessary, the fear of self-uncertainty.

This form of seeming self-abandonment eventually turns into my greatest pleasure as it becomes increasingly evident that the only thing certain about fear is that it will always compromise me. When it comes to who I really am, there is no compromise.

Let go of the past. The past is yesterday. It is irretrievable. When you relate to the past, you relate to no one or any thing. You are literally talking to yourself. No one else is listening. You have already heard all you have to say about that, so, let go.

A Course in Miracles says, "You cannot really not let go what has already gone. It must be, therefore, that you are maintaining the illusion that it has not gone because you think it serves some purpose that you want fulfilled."

It is certifiable insanity to conjure up your own reality based on the past and relate to it, rather than to relate to the present which is the only reality.

• LoveNote. . . Relationships are part of a vast plan for our enlightenment, the Holy Spirit's blueprint by which each individual soul is led to greater awareness and expanded love. Relationships are the Holy Spirit's laboratories in which he brings together people who have the maximal opportunity for mutual growth. - Marianne Williamson

I say goodbye to the past and hello to the present.

I am enthusiastic about who I am becoming! I know that no one sincerely asks for a new life until they are thoroughly dissatisfied with the old one. I am and I let go. When I allow myself to let go of what is old, I stay true to what is new.

I believe that as with all insight, higher understanding itself contains not only the instructions I must follow, but the strength I will need to carry them out.

Starting life over again is the key to a new me. I see the beauty and significance of starting over - over and over and over. Every present moment is always new and new is always right now! The new dies to the ever-new in an endless celebration of Life.

This is it!

I live in the present. I never let the past dictate the direction of the present moment. I give my best to my endeavors.

What lies ahead for me can only be good.

True peace and harmony are a part of who I am.

I have come to the realization that what is possible for me to become only truly changes when I am willing to see what is impossible for me to continue being.

My true nature is already fully independent and flying freely. I have found my wings.

I let go and let God. And so it is.

Thank you, Father!

• LoveNote. . . He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is Love. - I John 4:8

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