Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

Ladies I too have and currently still in this type of relationship for 19 years with 3 kids and I never been hospitalized but endured the same as you all daily I'm not happy anyone of us is in this mess but it's empowering to know someone knows the struggle I'm planing to leave in the near future because now the rage in me is boiling and fear makes me sick as if I can't breathe when he starts..I pray and pray that I don't die or my kids don't die..I love you all for sharing we can do this we can leave and live happily please pray for me as I will y'all

I have been in an abusive relationship for 7 years, I have put up with this man for a long time.
He has always hit me, beat me, stomped on my face with his shoe on, made me literally almost drowned in my own blood coming from my mouth, made my nose bleed hundreds of times, broke my nose, and gave me multiple concussions and the list goes on. He's a meth addict and anything he can get his hands on. He's cheated on me multiple times I’m sure a lot more than I know of. he's been controlling from the beginning, at first it was just controlling what I wear but as the relationship got more serious he got more and more controlling.
Then after we had our 1st kid he started to hit me, then it just got worse, he always accused me of cheating 24/7, then I had 2 more kids by him. after our third kid came, I was in the hospital having my baby, he accused the doctors of trying to do sexual things to me, I was so embarrassed, he demanded us to get a woman doctor but there was none at the time, I was in so much pain I didn't care I just wanted the baby out. But I got called a whore for that.
That happened every time I had a baby. He actually beat me in the hospital a day after I had my baby, that was a very horrible experience. after that my baby was about 6 months old, in January 2016 he accused me of cheating again. He was up for 7 days off of meth, I was 4 months pregnant at the time, he beat me with a broom, threw glass at me, choked me until I saw stars, beat me into a concussion, then that night I called the cops when he wasn't looking which was hard. They took him to jail, I moved in with a friend with my 3 kids, we stayed there for a while, then I finally got into my own place, all of that was to leave him but I let him move in with me because I love him and he’s the father of my 3 kids and I’m pregnant with his 4th child.
But then again he beats me still, he of course promised it would never happen again but I know better.
My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in February 2016, so I’ve helped her, but he keeps me away from her when I want to just help her and spend time with her, and the kids wanted to see her, I didn't know how long she had. on June 6th 2016 my mother ended up in the hospital they said her lung collapsed and the cancer spread so fast she isn't going to make it out of the hospital. Me, him, my kids, my brother went up there to say goodbye, she was on the ventilator and we decided it would be best to take her off, so we did that.
He was waiting in the lobby because my mother hated him and always have because she knew what he does to me. after an hour he came in asking how much longer is this going to take, it was so disrespectful, he just left, he went home. so when my mother finally passed it was hard and I had no ride and 3 kids, I had to call a friend to drop us off at home. I was so hurt by that because my mother was dying.
Only a week or 2 after that another fight had happened. He was on meth accusing me of stuff again, I told myself ok here we go AGAIN. I was pissed I have been planning to leave for a while but I had no good way, I have no job, no, money, 3 kids because I will not leave them behind, he’s not a great father. I had a car but payments are due and he's the one with the full time job. Plus, I would have nowhere to go. That morning on June 14th which is my son's 1st birthday. We did not celebrate because he was busy beating me to death that day and night. I lost a lot of blood, suffered a concussion, needed stitches, half my hair was pulled out by him, blood was gushing from my face he kept me hostage, I ran out at one point running down the street yelling for help, my neighbors didn't care they were outside and never called the cops. Worst day of my life but then the best day, because when he finally went to sleep that night I called the cops on a non-active phone because he took my phone so I couldn't call the cops. He didn't know I had this one.
They came they arrested him, then I went to the hospital to get treated, the Hope House lady came to help me with the kids as I was getting treated. I got an immediate restraining order on him, his bond is 40k and they are not going to lower it, he has 4 charges 3 assault charges and 1 felonious restraint charge for keeping help hostage in the house. I went straight to the Hope House after that, I stayed there for 2 weeks, then his dad and wife asked me to stay with them, his whole family is on my side about the whole thing, they are even making me testify against him as one of the conditions for staying with them.
I hope to have a better life and get my stuff together for my kids. This is my story; I hope this helps someone. Please leave, that's the best for everyone. I have a go find me account for my situation, I’m still taking it day by day, some days I miss him and some days I’m like why did I stay. But I’m doing everything I have to do, I am not going back. The detective even told me he has other pending charges for stabbing a guy, and shooting a guy, he will be charged with attempted murder if he is found guilty. So I think every domestic violence case is worse than you think behind the scenes.
 
[Please contact Ashley by clicking on her name if you want to know the link to her gofundme account.]

Hello Kellie Jo Holly,
I have a daughter who is in an mentally and emotional abusive marriage and I don't know how to help. She has a depression disorder and I'm really concerned about her. I would like to talk with someone and get some advice. I know that she has to get out of it on her own but, I would like some information. Could you email a number or email address that I can call or mail? thank you!

This is written in a beautiful spirit, and as a result, is the most helpful thing that I've seen.

I have been with a man for 4yrs, and i have lost both of my kids because of him . My son left a few months after we got married and he made promises to my daughter that he never kept, so she moved in with her dad. And the judge ordered that because of him she is not allowed at our home. He filed disability and quit his job as soon as i said i do. So i am the main one who supports the family. And now we are rasing 2 of his step grand children , they are both boys and show me no respect at all. He does not want me to spend any time with my kids or my mom or any of my family . If i do see them it is war when i get home. He drinks and takes a lot of pain meds and he states that he does that because of me . I never do anything right, he stays in touch with his ex wife quite a bit and i dont feel in my heart that it is fair to me . I feel so isolated, and alone. every one tells me i look so down and out . i feel i have lost who i am tottaly. I have left before and he always has a medical emergency and i feel quilty and go back . i have got to get away before i end up dead .

I am in an abusive marriage. My husband hits me repeatedl g and calls me names. He wants respect but i dont want to gice him any due to his behavior. I am falling out of love with him. Weve been married for 12 long drawn out years. Hes spit on me chased me through traffic cussed out my whole family stomped on me like a roach ...i mean numerous things. Why am i here? Because nobody wants him around in his own family due to his anger. He became homeless. He has plenty family with houses with extra rooms. No one wants him there. I see why. So after a few years of sleeping in the car i gave him i decided to try again and get in an apartment.....big mistake. He doesnt pay for anything! He snorts coke and thats the only time he is happy. After his high goes down he is the devil's imp. I hate him and i wish he were dead. I have so many thoughts of him being dead....and me being glad about it. I know its wrong and i beleive wholeheartedly in God. I pray about it and my evil thoughts but im so serious....death woulld become him...

I need advice. I have no one to turn to. I started dating my Husband 7 years ago, when I was 14. At that time in my life I was dealing with trauma. My brother had stabbed me 7 months before meeting my Husband. I was alone and had nobody to help me get through what happened to me not even my parents. But when I met my husband I felt safe, I felt like I found someone who cared about me and loved me. He was my first boyfriend, I thought I was so in love. He treated me so good the first couple years of our relationship. Around 4,5 years being together he started to change. It's like he was a whole new person. He has never physically abused me, but he kills me verbally. He digs deep into my mind and destroys me. His "love" is my weakness. We got married on my 20th birthday last year. We were so happy that day. But 2 days later he was back to his old self. Calling me fat, I'm stupid. He calls me ugly, no guy would ever want to be with me. He could be with a better women than me he says. He tells me my family stopped talking to me because nobody loves me. He tells me all the time to kill myself so he can be happy. I suffer from depression, PTSD, and anxiety. Being with him is not making me better. All I do is cry, every night I cry myself to sleep. I cut myself, I've tried to overdose on pills. Being dead would be better than being with him.I lost everything because of him. An education, my whole family, my self esteem. Not even my parents talk to me. I want to get away but I don't know how. I don't work, he just moved me over 3,000 miles from my family I have no friends here, I have no where to go. What do I do?

I have been with my partner for 3 1/2 years. I have a 10 year old son. We dated for about 4 months before we made things official. After being together for about 6 months I noticed his 1st outrage when he called me a stupid bitch. I was so hurt when I heard him say that. He promised me that he would never call me out my name or hurt me in any way. He accepted my son as his own child and embrased fatherhood with my son. We were really picture perfect in the eyes of the public. He went to work everyday and came home every night. After 8 months into thd relationship, things changed. He came home later and didn't text or call me at work as much. One day when I got out the shower, he yelled at me about something silly and pushed up againgst me with his chest. I stumbled. That was the 2nd sign of abuse. He began smoking marijuana heavily but I knew that marijuana never causes any one to be abusive or violent. Whe moved into our house about a year ago. One day he had his friend over and his friend was rude to me. I told him not to bring his friend back. Well he did. He yelled at me in front of his friend and he hit me. He wasca totally different person. He called me names in front of his friend. He pushed me and kicked. It's so difficult talking about this. I didn't even recognize him. After everything was over he apologized the next day but he acted like it was my fault. He blames me for everything. How can this be? Why do I love him? Every time he get mad he calls me names. I have thrown food on the floor from being angry at him. I have cursed at him before. But I never touch him. He says things like " I just wanna get away from you". Then when he is happy he tells me that it's me and him forever. I feel sick. I feel depressed. I feel a million different feelings in a day. I don't know how to leave. I don't wont to leave sometimes and on some day's I do. I pray for peace between us often. I often wonder what I did to deserve this. This is my second time being in a domestic violence relationship. Please help.

I just cant do it. I just don't have the gall to just pack my things, take my son & haul ass out of there! I know its mainly because he would be homeless with out us; he doesn't work, he watches our son all day while I work. A job in itself; the best job ever in fact. He has been physically abusing me since the beginning of our relationship and yet I STILL had a child with him ( yes I know I'm an idiot) . I have somewhere to go; my parents are always begging for me & my son to come back to them. I just cant....I just cant leave him homeless? its not all his fault why he's so angry; both of his parents are mental cases themselves and his mother has done unimaginable things to him but how long am I going to keep using that for him as a crutch? How many more jaw fractures, bruises on my back, broken nose, busted lips, pushing to the floor IN FRONT MY SON can I endue? I want to go, I swear I do but leaving my sons father homeless; can I live with that? Please help me. Any guidance would be heaven sent.

Hello i came here to look for help to get my mum out of an 8 year long abusive relationship. I am 18 and I still live at home with my mum and her "partner". When i was younger towards the start of the relationship i warned my mum he didn't seem right in the head because of his drinking and abusive tenancies but because she didn't listen his abuse has just continued escalating,he yells at her, swears at her, he hits her regularly, spits at her threatens to kill her and there is nothing i can do to convince my mum to leave, i have called the police but my mum always drops the charges and i can't defend her because my mum sticks up for him if i try to do so, I am at a loss, It has effected me mentally and caused me to become a very anxious person, i suffer from panic attacks and don't really leave my room. I had tried to move out when i was younger to live with my dad but ended up returning to my mum after a week because i feared for her safety whilst she was alone, I would still see my dad but it was only a few days a week so that i could be with my mum most of the time but I no longer get a break from it to see my dad because he died 3 years ago.
I would like some advice but I wont expect much as you say that it's okay for someone being abused to stay, which isn't true it just means they will continue hating themselves more and more until it becomes impossible (which is the point i fear my mum is at)
Also to Janel if you truly care about your son trust me you must leave, go to your parents get back on your feet and claim back your life. As someone who has grown up from the the age of 10 in an abusive household i can tell you it will affect your son and since I assume he is younger i believe it will affect him a lot more than it has me. worst case scenario you and him could end up dead but the most likely scenario is he will grow up thinking that it's a normal relationship.

Thanks for the advice, but i would much rather die than leave my mum to go through this alone. So far the only reason things haven't escalated further than hitting/spitting is because I intervene, I do not attack him out of spite as that would ruin my case when I do call the police but i put myself between them and warn him to back off, If worst comes to worst i am I am willing to attack him with everything I can to defend my mum but the one thing I can not do right now is leave her alone.
Sorry if I repeated anything I am pretty mentally drained right now.

I hear all of you women, I love and support all of you . I am going insane because of the man I married. It's an awful existence, I am a miserable nervous wreck. It's other that easy to walk away, I don't know what to do. Many times I pray for death, but I have a beautiful son I have to live for. How can we all help each other!?

Hello this is new to me I'm really confused right now. I've read the signs and all of them apply to my relationship. I need help but I'm REALLY SCARED and don't know who to trust, I really don't have any friends or support system. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Someone please HELP? I don't know what to do. Thank You

Thank you for this article. I have been in an incredibly verbally abusive relationship for 2 years and am experiencing an increase in physical aggression from my husband of 14 years - my once best friend and the love of my life.
I feel you describe me in this article - I'm independently financially secure but can't seem to leave. I'm fearful of being alone - and knowing eventually I will likely see my young children with another woman.
I won't bore with details but this was refreshing to see I'm not the only one and maybe one day I will find the courage to walk away. I don't want to be the 70
Year old who one day looks back and realizes it's too late - or worse not make it to 70 as a result of violence.
Thank you again for the post.

I'm 24 and I feel like I'll never be strong enough to get out of this situation advice plz been stuck since 2011 not even supposed to be using phone

Dear Joy,
You need first define the reasons you are really scared, and take the right action for each fear.
Fear #1 Physical abuse? google search shelter for abused women, and you will find an ocean of options. Don't leave and tell him you are leaving if he is abusive. Seek help, they will give you great suggestions
Fear #2 Financial instability (How will I support myself) Many of the same shelters will help you find job placement, and often times provide you shelter until you become financially stable.
Fear #3 Are you taking responsibility for your actions? Many of us that have felt stuck in a relationship is because we don't do the inner work. As a result the outer world sucks, and those closes to us, suck more. Many of us at one point or another, rather blame those for the way we feel, and when in reality the only ones that can make a difference about the way we feel, is ourselves. If you are one of these people (very common), it doesn't matter who you put in the picture, since the picture more or less will look and feel the same. We all need to do inner work, and the result of that is satisfaction. A satisfaction that no outer person can ever fulfill. My best advise for this symptom, or best antidote, is:
1. Take responsibility for your contributions-positive/negative?
2. Be diligent in doing your homework to make your life the way you want it, and stop depending on anyone to do the work for you.
By the way, I am a man that has been in a negative and abusive relationship. The one thing that gave me the most strength to free myself from a life that was way below my standard of basic peace and joy, was to take full responsibility for my actions, words, and the way I personally responded to negative attacks from my ex. I realized that I was in many way like my ex, and that the only way for things to change, was for me to change. If I changed and became a better person, than I would have the confidence and desire to demand more out of life and my significant other. If you fail to take responsibility, you are more likely to be stuck for a while longer if you know what I mean. Imagine, If you cannot get yourself to change, what do you think the chances are, you will get someone you don't have 100% control of to change? Underneath all the smoke of frustration, expecting the other person to change is the same as wishful thinking. Also, let's not forget laziness is a human natural trait- a path of least resistance. Change also comes with discomfort and additional work. Many of us are lazy and prefer to put up with a lesser life, than getting off our butts and change our diet, start working out, become more discipline, not fighting back and instead use that time and energy on something more productive to our own lives, or of our children's lives. Let's also ask ourselves how selfish we are...Do I expect the other person to act and behave in a way that accommodates my feelings ONLY, independently of how miserable this other person may feel in the process? Again, your inner works will help you answer that question. Good luck to you. I recommend watching Dr. Louis Hay on youtube. You will love her. Best of luck.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YV370m7L5iE

Apart from anything, apart from any choice I will make, your advices are precious and I just want to say THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Hello all, I have bought myself a three week reprieve. I convinced my husband we were not healthy and I needed a break to catch-up on work. He has not put hands on me, but are fights have escalated to me yelling, cussing, name calling in an attempt to get him to stop. He says he sees me breaking and said if we don't get a break we will end. He says all the right things to keep me hoping it will get better. My friends have given-up on me. My family does not call because they never know if it is a good time. they have asked me not to bring him to their houses because they don't like the way I am around him, always on edge. my friends and family have told me for years they see me changing. he tells me he sees me changing, giving-up, not happy, not trying to get better for us...everyone is right. He agreed to leave for three weeks but in the last 24 hours has called 5 times, and one time told me he thought he heard someone here. My biggest fear is to tell him to leave that we are done and then take him back. I have taken him back over and over. Intellectually, I know it is not my job to carry him, regardless we are married, but somehow, I don't accept that inside of myself. Any tips welcome. I have called about therapy. Several DV places have me on waiting list 6-8 weeks, and private insurance starts 09/22. He wants back by 8/20. All I read about leaving, is that the pain gets worse, the aftermath, it takes forever to feel good again. I don't know how to get the psychic energy to take the first step and not get a reward for a long time, when I know if he comes back, despite daily fights and exhaustion, there are moments of sharing and fake hope things will be better if "we go to counseling, I give him a credit card, take a trip just the two of us, have a child, stop trying to be sneaky ect."
I have been good at saying we will not bring a child into this mess. He says that is the problem, "If we have a child you will pipe down and focus on this relationship." I have told him that focusing on the relationship to the point I have lost all my friends because I have to cancel plans at the last minute, my friends don't call because they hear you yell on the phone about something I joke about like getting another job (all innocent jokes), or missing work because you think I am going to see a boyfriend...is the problem. I have told him this relationship is to intense. I need a break. I need to have energy to focus on myself and care for myself, write, get my nails done, see my mom. He agrees and then the next day, always less than a 90 minutes after waking-up, I am apologizing and exhausted for something. I do totally own that I start some of our fights, slamming down the toliet seat, saying something passive aggressive. My frustration, he does not see his role at all. He says it is me, I have destroyed him, I am the abuser. I have accepted that. I do control the money I earn in that it is deposited in my bank account. But whatever he asks for he gets for the most part. There is always cash on the dresser for him and he does not pay any bills. I accept that means I control the money. I do not feel that is me being abusive. it is not my fault he does not want to wrk, clear his child custody debt so he can have a bank account, or be trusted to pay the bills rather than lose money or randomly spend it on junk such as weed, bowling, clothiers, over electricity, phone, rent. I agree I have thrown things. I accept that I am in control of my behavior and am extremely angry that I go in my room and throw things. Never at him, only when alone, but a loss of control none-the-less and intimidating. I have told him we are toxic. I need a break, I do not like myself this way. He says he has no options to leave. I tell him I will pay alimony, he says he is not interested in my money. I have to find the courage to make my heart/mind accept none of this is acceptable and that someday, I will be happy.

I'm 18 and in a verbally and physically abusive relationship. I love my boyfriend more than anything and I know I need to leave, but I can't bring myself to it. Most of the time, I bring it on myself when I really need to keep my mouth shut but I can't help it. What do I do? I'm so miserable but I can't imagine life without him.

I don"t know what to do. This has been going on for so long. I can't leave him. I have tried many times. He makes me think its my fault when he hits me. Im starting to believe it.

Hi Kellie Jo. I have contacted you previously. Always good to get as much advice as possible. Seeing a counsellor and speaking to online counsellors too.
I am at a crossroads. Have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for 20 or so years.
We are separated at the moment (have been for 12 weeks), and he wants me to come home. He is being on his best behaviour but has still been manipulative and threatening.
I recognise he had changed over the years but probably just changed tactics from screaming and throwing things at me to screaming and name calling.
So many different emotions. I realise he has a major personality problem - sees simple things as acts of disrespect. Jealous of me spending time with family, doing things for others, staying up late to make children's birthday cakes etc - efforts which he doesn't feel I make for him. I wonder if it's just the profile of the abuser or if he has an actually personality disorder - do not know. However, he can be so normal most of the times which makes everything so confusing.
I think I have long ignored the issues, denied them due to the confusion and irrationality of some of his ideas and arguments.
Such as not putting hose back in the reel properly seen as a sign of disrespect, me always putting in a half arsed effort. Accidentally leaving the gate open as lacking diligence. Tea bags left in sink as a symbol of being spoilt and my lack of gratitude for what I have been provided. Needing to go to classes to learn organisational skills and needing lessons on phones if I failed to answer my mobile. He has hidden jewellery to teach me a lesson about putting my personal possessions away properly.
During our separation I have stated boundaries which he has broken again but because I work with him in our business and have kids call him regularly, I talk to him about general things and he is fine.
In fact we get along well unless the topic is personal or sensitive which I guess in itself is telling. However it's hard to make that final decision to leave. My gut tells me I don't want to go back because I know that my life won't be fulfilling with him. However, I do love him, even like him at times. I feel a sense of obligation to him. I feel sorry for him and don't want to have my kids for half the time. I also realise i have family support, a place to stay, a career and a need for emotional support. I feel a need to make the right decision now because if I go back, the next time I leave if that's the case, I may not have a place to stay.
I was feeling emotionally drained with his circular arguments and the reality is, He must have a very low opinion of me. I have given too many chances and don't see a future with him. It's also hard to envision a future without.
So difficult to make a decision!!! All advise welcome!

I'm 24 we been together 3yrs , he hits me with any object he can find. At first he only did it in our home now he has started in public places. I can work to take care of myself if I leave him but he knows where I work . I'm so scared so ashamed and so hurt

Hi! I think I am in an abusive relationship for past 6 months.I met him through a dating site and thought he is the one.I was so happy about it.He once was cheated by his girl friend so ge is always suspicious that every girl is cheating on him.I was once in a relationship with a commited person I used to work with.I tried to come out of that relationship many a times but somehow couldn't.So after meeeting this new person I was sure that I can move on.But this new person somehow came to know about my past and then it all started.He started saying I am cheating on him sinply by going to the hospital I work where the previous person also works.He is threating me of telling everything to my frinds and families,calling me names all the time,constantly bullying me.But I feel so good when I am with him and he is also so affectionate many a times but I don't know what triggers his abusive nature.He also physiically abused me 2 times..He says I am not in a relationship with you but has problem when I talk to someone,checks my phone without telling me,calls my ex es to check whether I am in contact with them.Shouts,threatens me over things he thinks are happening.Always thinks I am cheating even when I didn't pick up his call because I am sleeping or I am with my family or friends.He is trying to separate me from my friends by saying I am doing this because you did a horrible thing in thr past so you deserve this and in the end you will be good and your friends don't want you to be a good human being.I am always depressed and scared nobody will accept me after knowing about my past so scared to leave him.please help

He also asks me to do degrading things and says he will contact me or see me only if I do those things like if you spend a night with your ex again like you did in the past then only I will see you or if you wear the short you wore in the beach with your friends like a whore in your locality then only I will unblock your number.I am always afraid, whatever I say or do always proves I am a horrible person to him.He makes me feel like a sewage worm all the time He ssays that after what I did nobody can trust me or love me or even like me,ever.I deserve this kind of treatment only in life.Can't I be in a normal relationship AGAIN? Am I not good enough not to be treated as a street dog all the time? and all the while he doesn't have any problem being physical with me because according to him I didn't have any problem in the past even with a committed person so why I am having problem when I act like I love him.And pathetically I cant say no thinkng may be this will help our relationship to be strong or he is doing this time may be because he loves me.

I do everything to please my abuser boyfriend, even if I don't want to because if I don't then he'll get mad. I'm in my home country right now, but I suppose to go back for school in another country and that means I have to see him. Even though I know I shouldn't, but I know I'll still meet him. That makes me want to stay in my homeland. It is hard to leave this abuser who push me down verbally, and emotionally. He expect me to support him in whatever he does, but he contempts me and say I'm not good enough to do what I love, I'm not good enough at doing what makes me happy. I don't even know why I can't leave him, I know all the reasons to, I have all the reasons to. WhAt I know is he will leave me like nothing more than a piece of trash on the street, we got in an argument and he said 'I wouldn't care if you were dying on the street like a stray dog.' The more I explain the more I feel like a stupid, insane person myself. Sometimes I feel like I was about to be as insane as him, which scares me a lot. I do wish for death sometimes so I don't have to see him, and not risking the chance of getting hurt by him. I just seriously have to do anything for this abuser, to keep him happy, so me, myself can be happy too. And I really want to get out of this cycle but I really do feel hopeless and desperate about getting out. I really do seek for help, I just wish I'd never ever ever have to see him or someone like him again once I leave this unhealthy, insane relationship.

I am in an abusive relationship that started when I was pregnant. I know big red flag. But I stayed for the sake of my son. Then he was stillborn. I have no job, am 21, no homes other than his, or car. I literally depend on him and his parents for everything. I leave for college in a week and I don't want to come back here. But I have no where else to go. My family doesn't talk to me anymore, nor do my friends. He knows where my college is and my phone is under his name and he pays the bill so he'll take it away if I do leave. I have nothing to be able to stand on my own two feet. How do I leave? When I'm not financially able to?

I'm one of those guys that ended up in an abusive relationship. Thanks for this article! I do love my wife, even so, I tried to leave 6 years ago, but found that it left my three children more vulnerable. I went back because she promised to change, and while the violence has stopped for the most part, her verbal attacks, the yelling, the constant insults against me and my live at home daughter have not.
This article helped me understand where I am, and why I am there, and why I tense up before I head home at the end of the day, even if she's in a good mood on the phone. I love your advice, and every time I start to get ready to leave, she nicens up for a few days and I always fall back to your first bullet point.

I have been in a abusive relationship since I was 18 years old. I am now 30. I have left and he has found me threating to kill me and take our daughter away from me. I have been hit anything you can think of in front of our children. he threatens to kill my brothers if I get them involved , or call the police. I'm scared out my mind and feel like the only way out and away from him is death. I be scared to do things with my family because he always playing the mind games of jealousy. The crazy part is I know exactly what he doing all the time and I do speak up on it and it makes him even madder. no matter what i'm always wrong. even when he mess up which is often its still my fault. I can support myself and I know he's jealous because I make more money then him and i'm beautiful. I know he's here holding on not cause he loves me but what i'm capable of doing financially. I don't need him for anything and he is scared another man can come in and take his place. I have lost all respect for him and hate to be around him I just need the courage to leave without him taking my children

I have been. In an unhealthy relationship for four years now, married for one. Most verbal and emotional. And no I will not say it is all him, I can be mean, throw things, swear and insult him but his actions bring out this terrible pain person in me. He has crushed the girl I once was I had so many friends and family and now I have not a single one that isn't his friend. I have tried everything I can from talking calmly to treating to leave. I love him to death and I don't want to be a failure because I believe in marriage but how do you make things work if in the back of your head you just want to curl up in a ball and die.i have tried to kick him out but he has no family or really good friends, no job, no savings, no motivations. His last job he held for three weeks and had been a year unemployed before that. The money, the dogs,cleaning my house etc has taken a toll I just can't be a mom to a grown adult and get treated like a child. I know this isn't a healthy marriage but I'm so stuck and lost and I need a friend

Thank you for this article. I could so relate. I have been married 15 years and been with my partner for 18 years. We have a son together. I have never had a relationship with a man apart from my husband. I feel quite betrayed by him as the person he presented to me while courting is not the person i live. I have been physically abused, sexually abused, verbally abused by him for 15 years. This year he almost to me to my death by trying to suffocate me to death. I felt the life drain out of my body. I have been reading and researching the avenues to leave this relationship. I have expressed my need to leave to him and he says he understands, that he knows he did wrong and that he loves me, he is totally dependent on me and i feel so much of guilt for wanting to terminate the reaationship. We have done many things together but i am not happy even though I have all the comforts of life. I am not short of anything but I live on eggshells. He says he understand my feelings and that he is changing and i should give me another chance, but over the years i have done that and was promised it would not happen again but it still does. My son has no relationship with his father if anything he actually hates him and tells me to get out. I am so conflicted right now, and would appreciate help from anyone who could offer any. thank you

I need help I'm confused

I have been an emotionally abusive relationship. I can't say how long though because we have been together for five years and the abuse started this year. First few years were peachy and things started to take a turn for the worst after our families met because we had gotten pregnant. This man has cheated on me, lied to me, ignored me, made me feel as though I'm not worthy of simple things like effort, respect, calls and appreciation. He got so used to me being there for him and attending to his needs the best way I could possible do that he stopped appreciating me. I'm a mess. We have a son. He's amazing. I want so bad for him to get his act together so that my child can have us both in his life. He recently had a brain haemorrhage and things have just gone beyond control from that point. I know I have to leave. I know that. But I am thinking for our son and a part of me feels like he's acting out because of deeper things he has internally (watching his mom suffer and die of cancer, having his grandma whom he was very close with die, the financial responsibility he has incurred, his father dealing with alcohol abuse and then the brain haemorrhage). I'm terrified of leaving. I fear loneliness. I fear that I will be unlovable with all the baggage I have. A part of me feels like I have to stick around to force him to just deal with his emotional baggage once and for all so that he can move on. I want so desperately to leave and be okay with everything but I can't. I want to be better. I want to be healthier. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I don't understand why I can't leave. :'(