Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

I’m there with you. My baby is 4-1/2 months old and I’m just realizing how emotionally/verbally abusive my husband is. I’m terrified to take the next step because I’m afraid he will try and take my baby. Ive been with him 18 years. I love him but now I think that’s just not enough. I never know what triggers him either. I can say the same exactly thing to him one day and he is fine and the other day he will fly off the handle. It’s just so inconsistent and not at all what I want for my baby. I don’t want her to grow up to think it’s ok to treat others this way or to have other treat her this way. I used to be a strong I dependent woman.

I’ve heard many times Love comes when we are not looking for it, & this isn’t something I personally gave much thought to. But strength, confidence, happiness, courage , peace they all have a foundation or connection to Love, When I found Strength rather it found me & I just built on it no matter how easy or hard or everything was at some point in my day I would add more some days it was just a sprinkle that took all my effort (like 2day)& I did it for me bc strength was/is something I desperately needed/need . It started with a prayer but I realized that my brain also needed visuals/actions for a bigger impact. And I wld do tiny things every day or add something positive to better my over all well being & it’s been 3 years I am still with my partner IDK how much has changed w/him but bc I slowly stopped focusing so much on trying to fix, deal, or find the strength to live with him or without but the strength to be a better me it has grown from nothing to something. I still deal eset backs , issues , heartache but there is a solid piece of strength/courage/confidence that him nor anyone else can take away ever again & I know eventually I will have the life I deserve. And the best part is I started seeing how this tiny flake of strength (many things I was lacking) I prayed for 3 yrs ago grew so much that I noticed the difference in how others treated me & spoke with more respect, & I definitely see a shift in him. I suppose the biggest lesson for me was how can I save a sinking ship (did/do I want to) when I cld barley stay a float . It’s hard & the struggle can last for days but I hold on tightly to what I’ve gained & I still add something everyday to maintain,& work towards building myself, it seems selfish bc our kids need us, work, family, friends but You are allowed to be selfish Specially if your life depends on it ppl will talk but those who love you will understand & others doesn’t matter right now. I commented bc your words looked as if I were reading my own & I felt a sense of familiar sadness . I’m not good with emotions, or expressing myself clearly & I hope you find a bit of comfort & know that you will find a way or answer to happiness. Prayer and Read Read Read & READ to find inspiration & information that may to help you in any way . Reading books posts blogs & every how to on Pinterest helped me so much . Your post shifted my energy after a long day UGH ..... So thank you for sharing I have a tendency to think only a friend or activity is my only outlet to shift a bad day but you never know what may Read that will loosen the the tight grips of over whelming emotions of living with a toxic relationship.

It seems like my boyfriend is up and down the alcohol he drinks beer every day that I've known him he has high blood pressure he's had a stroke ever since the stroke in his brain he's been different he has a temper worse than he did before he won't get back on his medication for his heart blood pressure. It seems like he's up and down he calls me so many bad babes I can't believe I have no car I have a dog I don't have a job because I don't have a car I don't know what to do I feel like a prostitute in feel like he's a pimp it when I work he takes the money's I hardly ever get money he used to be such a good guy what day is happy one day he said but it seems like he says he hates me to get out of his life and then he loves me the next day he's never really hippie physical the only physical might be a push you know or something like that but it's more emotionally verbally mentally bipolar of side of called at PTSD but what he does is making it worse I'm too I feel like I'm dead inside I've never dated anybody this bad to me he used to be a good person we've only been together a year and a half I don't have anywhere to go I have a dog I can't go to shelter in about going to a shelter because I want my life to be like it was I've never witnessed some of my life I'm thankful I have no kids. I don't know what to do but cry and pray but it seems like it's not working anymore and I know God loves me why am I being punished what is he what is he acts like this for I wish you could just get something to calm him down every day he drinks every day did he says it's for his stress why can't you just go to the doctor they get some help some type of tissue to call the police but I don't want to the car is it by Dave wassel and if I was to call the police they would probably take the car we stay at a hotel he tells me if I don't work I need to get out I work and he works sometimes we work when we can we do labor work that's not work everyday I'm trying to get a permanent job he's on disability bad ways to die but I'll keep trying to get it I don't know what to do I'm so abused mentally I feel like I'm dying what do I do if there's nowhere to go I have no family

Jolene, I am in a similar situation. I did leave to heal from major surgery and he threatened to move to the town I was living in, take my son away...etc so I felt I was left with no choice but to return and I feel sick about it. Everyhing I say and do is wrong. In his eyes, he does everything and I do nothing other than sit on my ass and care for our newborn. He has anger management issues but blows them off like they are just him having a bad day. Bullshit. He is very OCD and so everything has to be a certain way or he starts in on the belittling and the digging.

i been with my abuser for 13 year with an 18 and 8 year old im trying to stay away from him now ...he has went as far as turning my mother whom also abused me and let my step father abuse me ..we had just got on specking terms trying to fix things no one will talk to me hes turned evryone but my grandmaw away so i stay with her whom is also abusive but no where near as bad ...he is a narcissist socoicpath and no one thinks the things i say happen are true it is so hard he mad me believe i was going crazy i left once before and my dumb ass went back but this time it was worse ive lost everything including my mind i feel like i act like him like ive become him but not as bad and not to everyone just him and anyone that cause me a lier about him he would lie on facebook about me to get into other girls pants he is seeing my bestfriend now whom always knew what he was doing to me then all the sudden she turned on me calling me selfish and before that he was seeing my x bestfriend who slept with my x husben along with all my x boyfriends she even comeout and said years ago she was sorry for being a bad friend now she thinks im the worse person in the world everyone says im selfish and all about myself and now im starting to wonder if ive become him

You love him but he doesn’t love u. Don’t be naive. Get out, get over that thought. Someone who loves u won’t hurt u. #period.

Your supposed to love your kids unconditionally not him, that is his parents job and looks like they failed.

This was my situation, I thought I loved my wife unconditionally. I've left my abusive wife 2 times. In therapy I leaned the unconditional love is not love at all. It's an addiction to the abuse called a Trauma Bond. My brain feels so good when the abuse stops it feels like I love her so much for that brief kindness followed by a calm. The most painful part of leaving is when you stop lying to yourself and stop making excuses for their behavior. Took professional help for me to do that, 18 years of conditioning. If you're enduring abuse out love it may not be love you are feeling.

Fiona you mean less than nothing to him
Narcs only view people as things that they place into different boxes for future fuel and use. NARC is a first cousin to a Psychopath in medical terms. I just spent and lost 37 years of my life now I'm gone and blocked its been 3 months. These people will suck a person dry without even looking back. Get help and get out

This is me! I feel like one of those girls that not only is emotional abused by physically and when someone say why do you stay i say because i love him. My husband doesn't physically abuse me but at time i feel he might as well. sometimes i tell my self i wish it was physical cause my wounds would heal, that the non physical abuse hurts a million times more. So much if not all of the things this page has said is so true. every supportive word or reasons why or why i cant leave is all true but i want to leave i think about it so much but i cant maybe im not ready but i want to be ready. what i dont understand is that their is nothing anyone can say about me or my children of why i need to or have to leave that i dont out loud say to myself. i know all the reasons why i have to leave and i think i have a pretty good idea of why i stay but for the life of me and my children i cant leave. I have drawn divorce papers up and tried to use it against him to change but i lost as all other things i have tried he never chooses me. he actually signed them and drove with me to court house to officially file them and i found my self choking every word out in tears at the counter with the clerk as she processed them hoping that standing their with him would open his eyes, but we all know that will never happen! did all that to never follow through with it stupid me i know.
My point is i know right from wrong i know my main job is to protect my children and i deserve to be happy i know that he will never change, i know that it will only get worse maybe even physical or even worse, sometime i even sit and think that my kids are what keeps me from wanting the pain to stop so bad that suicide comes to mind just to stop the pain but i tell myself i would never leave my kids.i think that im a horrible broken person just to think about it. am i suicidal i want to say no because i love my kids to much to leave them alone, but am i ? l yeah i know what your thinking but "ill let my kids suffer instead" sometimes i feel like im the one that has something wrong with them, who am i kidding i know i do.
My point im trying to make is why cant i leave when i know all that i know and feel all that i feel and see all that see. I have been repeatedly lied to, cheated on and have had my home taken slept in my car one night cause i was homeless had to have my kids to stay at my mothers for 6 months while i struggled to find us a home and yes that tore my children apart and myself. i have lost my family that was always their but have now turned their backs. I have thought that my love was stronger than any drug he always chose over me. the stealing the he can never keep a job and so much more but to him its all my fault one way or another he turns it all on me. he has seen so many of my tears, and pleas that i know they are just a bother to him like hear we go again. i have been manipulated. Sometimes i even ask my self maybe i didnt really see or hear that, when he looks me in my face and denies what im confronting him about i could have the proof in my hands and he will still try to manipulate my black and white evidence, maybe it is really my fault he treats me this was actually i know it is my fault because i let him, why? just to go through it all again with him. I know my kids and self would be much happier and healthier living in some crappy little shack struggling to get by without the pain he causes, so why am i still here!

Hi Rose, you are not alone , I’m been marriage for 30 years and 15 years] go last he became a drug user and abuiser , I loss my 2 daughters respect and grand children all because I wasn’t aware what abuise was and when it started I just had an Annersyum operation , then many illness that followed I do have degenerate back disease ,to I just about can walk, 26 surgeries on my hands plastic joint keep breaking them. I’m stuck with absolutely no one , how do Ipack up and leave and get some where so I stay and let my self feel less than because I know it’s wrong. . I ended up with ptsd , no children and grandchildren you can’t imagine the pain and loneliness I feel on mother’s day holidays, I pray that I will die soon. This fate of living with mental and verbal abuise There are times I wish he would die , maybe prison is the answer . I do know how you feel not many people can understand why do you stay with a person you longer love , I just pray to die early yes we need friends who are in the same place we need comfort .

Hi Rose, your story struck a chord with me as our circumstances are so similar. I also have DDD, 3 dogs and a parrot, he's threatened to Popeye (his and his brothers term for shoot) all of them at one stage. I still find it hard to accept i am being abused, more verbally than physically but he has hurt me in the past, plus threatens how easy he could in the future. I'm going to see my doctor this afternoon, i pray that i can actually get the words out this time and not use my health issues as the reason I'm there. We're in a 'quiet' time jyst now, but i'm so anxious cos all the little signs are there that he's ready to rare up! Constant sniping then trying to make it out that I'm the one angling for a fight. He's starting to intimate that I'm the abusive one and i hit him!! He's 15 1/2 stone and 5ft 10inches.
I wish you all the strength in the world in whatever you choose to do. I feel more empowered by reading other peoples stories, that I'm not alone. I've also started picturing myself in my own place, the powers of attraction, ?

Hi, I have been married to my husband for 14 years. Endless amounts of verbal abuse with a little bit of physical theown into the mix when I REALLY piss him off. I have 4 kids between ages 6-13, and 2 dogs. I went out with a friend last month and stayed out "too late", he had me by my throat up against the wall in our room. I took the kids and left that night. We came back the next morning to grab some of our belongings and had another major fight. He said if you leave I will kill myself. I said whatever (he's said that before), and continued going about my business. I went out to the garage to smoke a cigarette, and found him dangling from the rafters. He had hung himself with one of his belts! I started screaming, the kids witnessed it all. I got him cut down and he did survive. He had what looked like bad hickey marks around his neck. Scariest moment of my life. His family and I had an intervention with him. But he refuses to go to therapy or talk to a doctor about anything! The verbal abuse isn't as bad, but it's still there. I feel like a bystander in my own life just waiting for the moment it gets bad again. But where do I go? What do I do? I have ONE friend. I literally have no family aside from his. Mom, dad, grandparents, all deceased. I feel guilty for even thinking about leaving now, and I do love him, but what about me and my feelings.

Number
Perhaps you will read my posts I plac ed here today. You are only fooling yourself and have become codependent and you have a trans bond. This is reality I lost 27 years and she is a 5th grade teacher if you can believe that. Take care of YOU no one else will.