Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

My name is Linda. Im 48 years old. Right now im in a verbally abus ive situation. I""ve done everything that I can do to get away from him and get out of the situation. For some reason I cannot find help anywhere. I refuse to go to a homeless shelter. Im not going to give him that satisyfaction. He yells and screams at me everyday. Everyday he tells me that hes going to kick me out of the house. He calls me names. Hes turned my mother against me. He acts like he does nothing bad to me at all. He blames me foe everything. He says hes mean to me because Im mean to him. Its the other way around. He thinks its fine for him to be mean to me and treat me like garbage. But he expects me to put up with it and never complain about it. He thinks he can treat me badly and thers nothing wrong with it but he thinks im supposed to put up with it and be nice to him When I treat him the way he trears me he raises hell and teels me that hes noIt going to put up with my shit. He turns everything around on me. He thinks that he never does anything to me for me to have the bad attitude that I have towards him now. i CANNOT TAKE THIS ABUSE ANYMORE. pLEASE HELP ME. dO YOU KNOW O ANY PLACES I can go to get away from him, besides a homeless shelter. Thank-you, Linda Schmidt

It just crazy how these things happen im not in a realtionship with this person but sum how he still has a hold on me we were together in highschool i was with him for 2yrs it was all great in the begining till his jealousy started kicking in he controled every moment i had from what i wore to who i talked to and where i went. Imagin i was only 16 thinking i was in love. Things got out of hand when he started being verbaly abusive like calling me names such as hoe slut etc... He used to harras me and threaten me if i didnt do certain things he asked espically threats like exposing me. I thought he loved me he said he did he said he didnt mean the thinngs he said i always forgave him toke him back. Then one day i found the strength to leave him and not to long ago we reunited idk what it wAs that brough me back to this man i assumed we werent 16 anymore we were older and i guess i thought things would be different so we tryed talking again and it the begining was good i neve rmade us offical because deep down somethjng was telling me he aint do much changing it well i was right he back to his old ways cursing me out name dropping and again with the threats of exposing me with things from highschhool which i was young and dumb he assume im out here doing wrong things calling my phone sendinfg me messages with just full of disrespect i told him plenty of times to stop that we are lil kids let communicate and well it doesnt work it back and forth i started fearing him again he says sorry all the time but for what he goes back to his old ways. I ask my self how can i keep letting this happen we not even together and he still seems to hve control over me i really want to have the strength ot leave and walk away. And reading all these comments it just like how much can u take open ur eyes girl that aint love. Right !! I hope all you good women fight happines as wel as u good men out there kuz i know it happens to both genders.

Hi I'm currently living in Turkey and I am in a mentally and physically abusive relationship, I have nobody to turn to my family have cut themselves off from me because I am.with this man. I have no financial help so am unable to get a flight back to the UK, any advise would be wonderful
Tracey

I have been in my marriage for 21 years. I stopped working as soon as I had my first child to raise my children. We've never had outside help from any one. My husband owns his own company and is a hard worker- definitely a workaholic. He provides a nice life for our children. Of course, there's a however, he has been physically abusive, emotionally abusive and verbally abusive over the years. He's extremely controlling about my friends and finances. We live in another state than my family so I never see them. He never has anything nice to say about them. The last time we had a visit from my sister, he caused such a fight and scolded my sister that they haven't been back.
We started in therapy 4-5 years ago and it helped for a while. In the past year , he has refused to go back to the therapist with me. I believe the therapist exposed him and he didn't like it. We have 3 children that are getting older and see my unhappiness and some of his behaviors. I haven't worked for 18 years and wouldn't know what to do if I left. He tells me if I go back to work it will not be good for the relationship or family. I'm well aware that is manipulating but I'm not strong enough to deal with the backlash should I actually get a job. I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm worried about the emotional well being of my kids should I ever decide to leave. My husband would never let the kids be without anything in their lives but would most definitely punish me. I'm wishing I made changes years ago when the kids were smaller , in hind sight. I can't relax around him or be myself. He's critical of me and comments on anything I say or do.
I'm only 50 and feel I still have a life to live . Any lifeline would be nice to hear.

I have been on and off with my ex for 12 years. I lost my virginity to him, got pregnant at 14, had an abortion since he told me he'd leave me if I kept it. I went through the abortion alone just for him to leave me anyways for my "best friend" at the time. Then through the years there were always other women. We finally broke up for 3 years the lightest we separated and I had a son with someone else. I could never get over him and I don't know that I ever will at this point. He compares me to his ex that he said he wasn't dating when we reconciled... Constantly throws it in my face that I had a kid with someone else. We got past that we moved in together, got pregnant. I miscarried from all the stress he causes me... He's mentally abusive and emotionally abusive. And as of three days ago he's showing more signs of becoming physically abusive. I have never called the cops on him as I should have up until three nights ago. I caught him lying again and I asked him nicely to leave. He then begged me to stop and said this wasn't what I wanted that we wanted to be together bla bla bla and I again just nicely said to leave. I am in no way shape or form innocent. I am guilty of saying really mean things back to him when we fight. However, this night was different. He shoved me hard into the wall and even spit in my hair, he also repunched the holes in two of my doors that he recently fixed from previous arguments we've had when he put the holes in there. He said I didn't deserve to have my doors fixed. I pay for everything. I'm a single mom living on my own paying for absolutely everything. Including anything he needs. Yet he never buys me anything... Ever. He is so controlling he doesn't even let me steaighten my hair anymore or else it means I'm cheating. If I shave my legs or anything for that matter it's cause I'm having sex with someone else. I can't go to the store or anywhere without him. He even pumps my gas so I don't have to get out of the car (not to be nice just so I won't be looked at) he constantly compares my job to his (which he finally has a job he never had one the entire time and he complains about it every single day) constantly tells me I just sit at a desk all day. The night I called the cops finally he then told me I was fat and ugly and no one would ever want to date me. I'm convinced he just hates me and always has. Now we haven't spoke since that night and it's killing me. I feel so stupid. Sick. He even tried to take my sons bed apart on the way out cause "he put it together for me". The cops said I needed to file the protection order but I just can't bring myself to do it. My family and friends Have already just distanced themselves from me. I'm not allowed to even go around my family or wear shorts because of him. Idk I know it sounds so dumb because everything is a red flag. But I'm so physically sick to my stomach. I can't eat. Sleep. Function. I'm so lost and confused without him. But I know the best thing to do is leave and stay gone. It's just tearing me apart he doesn't even care. I can't stop crying and beating myself up for calling the cops but something clicked that night and I just had it. Had enough of the emotional and now physical abuse. And I can't get the image of him spitting on me the look on his face out of my head. Not sure why I'm so concerned with if he's upset or not. I didn't deserve that. And I'm not fat I know that but it hurts to confide in someone you consider your best friend and they then use those insecurities against you. I don't even know what to do. I'm just existing. I feel dead. And numb. And I can't stop imagining how much better off everyone else would be if I wasn't around to constantly worry people. Everyone that does care and love me all say the same thing about him that they all fear some day he's going to kill me and they'll have to come identify my body and or see me on the news. Again I'm fully aware how tragic this really sounds so why do I love him so much? He does nothing to benefit my life just makes it harder and more hell. He controls my every move. So why am I sitting here crying my eyes out st work and crying myself to sleep and slugging through my days and nights like someone died? I have been seeing a counselor but I don't think it's enough. This has been 12 years of on and off and I have never felt good enough. It blows my mind someone like him has manipulated me so badly that I'm convinced I'm the issue. I keep reading different websites to try and cope or heal and found this one this morning before work. I asked my counselor for support groups.. Which I wanna go to one but I'm just scared too. I guess writing has made me feel a smidge better.. Enoigh to fall asleep I guess... I'm 26 and successful and I think that bothers him... Who knows my mind is everywhere right now...

I need help. I have no family and no where to go. I have my son and he's just a baby. My husband has problems and I'm afraid. He blames me for everything and I'm starting to believe it. I feel so depressed and alone. I need to be strong for my son but I'm so broken. At times I think of just killing myself. But I can't think of leaving my son with him
He's an abusive asshole. Help me anybody.

at this moment I am in the ER. Reason don't know if my nose is broken. My abuser is all the bad things he gives his life to Meth... After a couple of days have past by he is a monster... With me and my kids. He gets mad, for any little reason, he starts telling me that I the worst thing that has ever happened to him. I am bad Luck, negative bad energy all the worst of many words. The worst thing is he stars throwing things around and today he hurt my nose real bad. I stared bleeding my nose got slownen it hurst and that's why I am at ER. When I left the house he stared crying like a little kid. His sorrys didn't mean a thing to me. I am really tired of my life with his. I can't agree or disagree cuz it might be always bad. Every time I try to leave him he stokes me at my moms house. He damages my brother property cars and such and such... He always has excuses for everything. My brothers are tired of my problems and that I always go to my moms house and he always goes there to start problems. I feel I am in side a box and there's no escape for me. He has so much luck with cops they never take him... So we're is the HELP... I pray day and night For a miracle to happend in my life... A change a knew life a second chance just to be free from this hell...!!! I know that's the right thing leaving him I just don't know we're to go so he won't find me or the kids.

My name is Ree. I love my boyfriend. We've dated for over a year now. He's kind. I can tell he cares, i can tell he has strong feelings for me. But his ego ruins it sometimes. He gets abusive. Verbal and physical. I've talked to him about this. It stopped for about 2 to 3 months; but now it started all over again. He just cannot control his anger and the fact that he can't dump his frustration on anyone else he dumps it on me. Cause he knows one thing for sure, that I ain't leaving, which has made his abuses seem very cool and manly. I really love him and don't want to lose him. What do I do? He threatens to leave me sometimes but I know he only says that out of anger. He's a real good man otherwise. No faults, no flaws. Please help?

Because advice you read could get you killed . know what you can get away with and where you can truely go to be safe from him .

Im tired and ready to leave I am in fear for my life and baby life

Hey I'm j I've been with my husband for 4 years he's a really good man and I have been living a expensive and lavish lifestyle. He hits me he makes me feel like crap he is verbally abusive and controlling.Sometimes I wish I could leave but I can't just yesterday he beat me so bad that i passed out. I don't understand why I can't leave I work 2 jobs I always try to improve myself but im just so depressed someone please advise me on what to do next?

My wife makes lots of money. I had a pretty good job, but was laid off. Can't find another in my field for a year now because I'm 55. My wife has all the money and all the power. I know many women are with men who emotionally and physically abusive to them. I feel so bad for you. Get out as fast as you can if you're getting hit. I am with a women who insults, ignores, degrades, humiliates, undermines and hurts me regularly. The next day she says I was being a jerk and is my best friend until again, until out of nowhere she turns cruel and horrible to me again. She enjoys it most when she can embarrass or humiliate me in front of my kids or friends. Yes, we men suffer with these people too. I went to therapy, partly because she had me so confused about what was going on. I asked her to go too, so we could go to couples therapy. She won't go because she said "She doesn't need it" The latest thing to torture me is to purposely ignore me with the iPad. I'll think she is listening and then she'll be snickering after 10 minutes because I thought she was listening to me, when she was ignoring me the whole time. I am planning on demanding she go to counseling and we go to couples therapy, but I don't think that will work. I question is would she even care if it were over? She seems to love it when I fail at finding work. I assume because if I am financially solid again, she loses that power over me. So my biggest goal is really financial. I still love her and she uses it to suck me in over and over. Really bad that my kids see these behaviors, mine too, modeled for them as a couple. Any ideas or suggestions are really appreciated.

I have been married for 18 years.He is abusive and has been since his sister was murdered.He refuses help.He maintains he seeks help from his alcoholic buddies.Five years ago his step father attempted to sexually assault me in the front yard.Instead of coming right home from work he goes to the bar. According to the police he was trying to "selI" me .IT has been one thing after another after another.I have sought help from the local domestic shelter,medical community,police,counselors.Due to budget cuts and program deletions I am stuck.Plus trying to find housing with a medium size dog..I own my own home and have lived 35 years here..my first husband died...housing is hard to come by..one lady at the shelter went from one place to another for 5 years dragging her stuff with her until something opened up for her.Another went from a home to an apartment to a room with college students and she is miserable.I cannot go to the shelter 1) no pets 2) they are so backed up with clients they are using pantries,offices,closets, instead of 1 o2 to a space there are 3 to 4.He has treatened if I leave he will burn down the house and all my precious pocessions.He threw a ligh charcoal grill at me so I believe he would.Any thoughts thank you

J lin, I grew up abused, first husband abuse, I left. 2nd, I divorced him after 18 years. No sex. No family, all that he'll gets worse. I did leave him, but then as I lost my job I had to return. I'm still being abused. But look, the reality is this. The abuse won't ever end. We get brainwashed. Thinking it's us, oh I can go on..here is truth. Abusive shelters only give a nights stay not much help. If your financially ok. GET OUT. but you need a plan. I know you think he will get better or change 99% do not. Think of that, he hurts the one he loves. Because there is no love. Your his frustrating bag he can whatever to. I made up excuses too. I pray in 5 months I'm gone. Do not waste ur time. Yes he can kill you, or you can spend years trying to figure out what you can't fix. I would rather see you living with yourself and later meet a great man. Don't waste it like me. I am 49 and I have my plan again. This time I am leaving it's my plan. After almost 20 years all I have is clothes and a few pictures. No family is left to help me. Bottom line is simple. This is your life. You have no self worth it you think you deserve it. Make a plan, do not tell him anything. Get a post box for your mail. Open up a checking at another bank. Find a place you want to move to. When you go do it when he is not home, get movers to come after he leaves. Get ur own cell phone. At work inform them hr of your situation and get a restraining order. It's sounds like alot but it's not. You will speak with him but I really would limit it. Get some support group. I can not urge you or anyone to get out and away fast with a plan. The more you stay the odds go up for your death. These men go so far that some have killed their spouses outside court offices. Some mothers where the father sexually abused the child are in other countries running for their lives. He will be nice, rude, insult you, make you feel horrible or sad for him. This is advise, you won't ever change him. Imagine spending 20 with him and all your life is gone, over. Don't be a fool. When he starts if you can go out asap, leave the argument. If he touches you call 911, many men need a wake up call. No one who loves you should hurt you. Iv read so much. Iv understand brainwashed myself and now I am ready but I have no.money waiting on social. I am leaving and never looking back. You know what helped me, I went on a few chat lines I met a few men, they were nice, had manners, I told them about my issues and all of them supported me emotionally. I then saw I had no self worth. Love yourself right now. Get a journal, write down ur important documents to take, what's next the post box etc, start cause it can take a year or years to get out safe. All my love

How do u deal with all the emotional feelings with out crying?

Hi guys.. my boyfriend verbally, emotionally and physically abuses me. I love him with all my heart but he has extreme rage problems and he thinks everything is my fault and he tends to hurt me. Ofcourse afterwards he cries and apologizes but this happened too many times now. I have no idea what to do... no one knows this and I feel so alone. It's unforgivable.

Thank u I needed to read this , short but impactful

I have been in an abusive relationship for almost 2 1/2 years. At first it was great. I didn't know until months later how bad his drinking was. He comes home from work complaining about his job etc. I have listened and tried to support and encourage him in every way. I am unemployed and have been for most of our relationship so I am Dependant on him for financial reasons. He calls me horrible names, accuses me of cheating, has thrown a lamp at me. It came inches from hitting me. Then the next day he acts like nothing has happened. Then the aploogy comes and promises that it wont happen again. I feel I've lost myself trying to make this work, walking on eggshells not knowing what will set him off. I have 3 children that visit on weekends. My oldest daughter who is 14 has witnessed this abuse along with my mother. All I hear is just leave him blah blah blah... I want someone who understands me. My mom is struggling herself in a 1 bedroom and unemployed. I feel stuck, defeated and somehow feel I deserve this somewhat. I've made terrible decisions in the past. I'm twice divorced and left my ex husband because he was also abusive but this is by far the worst situation I've been in. Yet I can't get the courage to leave. I'm deoendant on him financially, I don't get any encouragement or support from him. If I could just find a good job and save $$ I would leave. Problem is I feel so beat down with doeression and anxiety I barely get out of bed most days. I pray to God for strength and wisdom to leave.

I am writing this while Im on break at my job (wirh tears). I am in a relationship with a man who is physically mentally and emotionally abusive. He is controlling and a hypocrite.  He has cheated on me multiple times and now he wants me to take a lie detector test.  I want to take it to prove myself but another side of me wants to grab my kids and run. I am starting to hate him with every fiber in my body. He has a child support case against I feel like he won't take a DNA test because he knows it is his child.  I hate that I stayed this long. I feel so worthless every day of my life. The only thing I am is a punching bag to him. I hate my life with him. If I had somewhere for me and my kids to go without him knowing I would take it in a heartbeat. He accuses me of cheating when he cheated 5 Times and he couldn't be a man and tell me he was cheating he had to get caught. I have let him get too much power. I feel stupid because iI allowed him to control me and put me in bad financial situations. My credit is totally messed up because of the things I put in my name. But his credit is fine. He has threatened me to leave me with bills that he helped create and abandoned his children.  Our children loves him but the hate his attitude. My son says he is scared of him because he constantly yells and curses at him. My daught has told me so MANY times to leave her dad. I hate my life sometimes I wish I dont wake up but I know my kids will suffer.

I have been told that all my life I've accepted some type of abuse. I've pretty much left one dysfunction for another. At the time you don't know it's even happening. You think you have gotten healthy found the right way. Someone comes along and you are completely open and honest with that person in regards to what you want in life and I a partner. No matter how honest you are doesn't mean others will be. My family relationship was the first dysfunctional relationship in my life. I met my kids father in high school. I graduated pregnant with my son and out on my own. Dealing with being a young mother on my own and my kids father constantly cheating and missing I tried to make my family work. Vowing not to to have my children a product of a broken home. Accept for not realizing the home was already broken . It wasn't until several years of abuse, manipulation, betrayal this was finally realized. Years of thinking I'm bargaining with God on what I will endure just to have a better life for my kids . Wondering why God doesn't hear me . It wasn't until someone said to me how do you know God hasn't answered you maybe it wasn't the answer you wanted. Within a couple of weeks it seem to be my eyes were opening. After a couple more episodes of abuse and going to see a marine graduation was when it hit me. There are people with nothing in their way starting there lives. Taking a pledge for our country, going to fascinating places and starting careers. All my life consist of is working, cleansnig cooking. Someone who is barely there and when they are the air is so thick and tense. I made the choice to leave and this time for good. I don't know what made it different . I attempted man many times and was unsuccessful. This time it felt as though my eyes were open and I could see the pain and abuse and knew it would never get better. After leaving I worked on myself made myself healthier enjoyed my kids more. After only a few months I met someone who I thought had my best interest at hand. I was up front on everything I have been through and what I expected out of a relationship and if he couldn't provide this it was ok but we couldn't date . He said he understood and was not looking for games he wanted to settle down with someone. Unfortunately all these statement , understandings were false. He played games the entire relationship, yet again I was manipulated, cheated on, abused , and brain washed . That perso. Is my husband. Just recently has he admitted to all the things I had questioned him about years ago. I am still his puching bag. If someone makes him mad he takes it out on me . He allows everyone else to walk all over him and I have no lack for errors what so ever. I'm beneath him I. This marriage and wonder frequently what in anything I said when I presented what I wanted I. Someone made him want me? If he hates me as much as he shows why. Can't he just leave?? Just like my kids father I've tried to leave many times unsuccessful. My children are attached to him . They see the rollercoaster in his unstable emotions but still care for him. We share a house . The mortgage is in my name the deed in both. I don't know how to walk away from the home
I tried to build
For my kids . How do I get out of my mortgage without going bankrupt? Divorce lawyers are so expensive and my husband claims everything is all his when I've worked harder than him the entire relationship. He bullies conices, is sneaky, and when thing s are not going his way everyone in the house has to pay. It's a vicious cycle that needs to end. Last time I left someone I wasn't married or owned a house. How can I leave this behind without bringing along more financial baggage?

Thank you for this article. ....I am trying to get out of an abusive relationship. ....it is so difficult because it's emotional abuse and of course I gave him money which seems to go along with abuse. ...I've been down this road before. ....you think I would get smarter with age but the charm of an abuser is magnetic and difficult to detach from. ...I have distance on my side.....thanks for not making me feel guilty about all of this. ....it would be too much to bare.

I want to leave, but he doesn't let me. He would call people to beg me to stay for him, he will apologize n say it will never happen again. I would pack my things ready to move n leave him but he never let me leave!

I'm in a relationship that I am constantly being told I am stupid to know where I stand if not he will put me in my place. How i am the reason why he isn't happy I constantly annoying him everything about me piss him off to leave get out etc. how me dealing with everything he did and do wrong I stood besides him and that no longer mean stuff to him and yet few hours later act like nothing happened. Mind u he have ptsd but I want to leave my stuff is packed it just I feel stuck emotional I'm in massive amount of stress being here. Idk what to do his phone is lease under my name and the internet is as well

Currently the 1000th confrontation between me and my abusive partner. At this point, I feel pathetic. I feel tired of even telling my friends and relatives and do nothing about it. I guess that's the sad part. When you start feeling like you deserve it. Mine wants me to "shut the f*** up" every time I do something he does not like, even if unintentional. I am not allowed to "talk back" or explain myself. The last time I did, I was pulled and dragged and kicked down my stairs. He says, call me crazy. And I may be f'd up, but that's how it is. "You made me this way after not listening to me these past years." He says the things he thinks are not normal, and I should just leave. it's dark isn't it ladies? Knowing the one person you try to give so much to, feeds off of your guilt and shame. And in the end, I stay. pathethic & scared, I stay.

Been married almost 31 years to a man that belittles me often for saying things he didn't want me to
say . Anytime I make any type of a statement he shuts me down and says I'm being negative even if it truly wasn't. I have been with him since I was 13. Ran away with him at 15. Married him by 16. 3 kids by 22 who I adore. He has cheated on me since the beginning of our marriage and still to this day. I don't and can't even confront him anymore .He can instantly turn it around and tell me it's my fault because........or make me out to be stupid or crazy . I need to get out for my own sake but I'm stuck. He becomes a better liar and manipulater every time confronted and has even told me ,what does it matter your never going to leave me anyways. And some how he always becomes the victim. I ended up with breast cancer and he never even skipped a step. He talks like we are in it for ever but sleeps with anybody who will give him the time of day. I want out but I feel stuck do to our finances etc. he has a way of making me feel useless and unworthy of all I am and all I do. One min. I'm everything and the next I'm nothing. It's a lonely emotional roller coaster .

I don't know if I'd call my relationship abusive but that's what everyone says I grew up with a lot of anger and overdosed because of it but the man I'm with now I love him deeply and he's loyal but if I wear or say something he doesn't like and a slut and he gets mad a me when he says I don't listen to him and I always have to do what he says, ask permission to go places, and I've had to get rid of friends because a girl with guy friends is a slut he gets mad at me when I cry and it makes situations even worse. I know I'm overly sensitive maybe that's the whole problem. I don't know what to do.

Hey ladies. Im in an abusive relationship too. Disrespects me, threatens that he would kill me, physically hits me, i mesn treats me like dirt. Im isolated and feel alone. He contols me. I only go to work and come back home. Only wants me to be with him. Says i dont need friends and im weak because i need them. The list goes on. Im always lying to people on a regular about my lifestyle and always lying and making uo excuses when people ask me to hang out, etc

Praying for strength

I found comfort in reading Psalms 147:3.

Thanks for the non support!