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Hi, my name is Jack, and I suffer from depression.
I was first diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder about seven years ago, but I’ve been waging war on this brain disease for a long time. And it is a disease. It is not a character flaw. It is not an excuse for my shortcomings. It is not a spiritual defect. It is not a case of the occasional blues. It is real, and it is painful — physically painful. It is maddening and it can be gut wrenching. It is an illness just as diabetes is an illness.
I call it a war because war is hell, and so is clinical depression.
The stigma attached to mental illness is powerful because of ignorance. But is living openly with mental illness in an effort to change the stigma a good idea? More Than Borderline's Becky Oberg considers this.
Disclosing an anxiety disorder matters, because a lot of people feel they don’t. And you should tell the people that matter to you, the people that form the everyday backbone of your relationships, whether that's in the form of colleagues or more intimate members of family or friendship circles. Tell them because choosing not to takes something away from those relationships, because an anxiety disorder is a significant part of your life and some of the healing comes in accepting that.
Eating disorders can be extremely isolating and lonely. Counting calories or throwing up your food after you eat makes it hard to be around other people. There is the fear that you might eat too much, or that someone will notice that you are just pretending to eat. It takes a lot of energy to hide your eating disorder symptoms, and that makes it easier to stay home and disconnect from your friends.
I have been very lucky. My friends know about my struggles with anorexia, and we have stayed close in spite of my attempts to isolate and hide at times. This week I was again reminded how important friends are to me, and how they play a role in helping me stay in recovery.
Sometimes, my frustration at Bob gets the better of me, and I hit him. Or pull his hair, or pinch him, or kick him, or any of a number of physically abusive gestures.
Fortunately, he's usually asleep during these attacks--and so am I--because it only happens in my dreams.
Sometimes electronics can fail us. Sometimes the internet goes down. Sometimes the power blacks out. Sometimes your computer hard drive gives up the ghost. And sometimes those nifty calendars we put in the cloud that happily sync with our portable devices & home computers get eaten by server failure. What are we to do?
Last week, my son Marc asked me to buy him some clothes for winter. I do not have the money to do that and I asked my ex for money for school clothes. I didn't want to ask him, but Marc needed clothes and I don't have the money required, so I asked.
45 minutes after I sent the text, my ex replied, "No."
I expected that answer, so I began texting back, "Okey dokey." But right before I hit the send button, my friend asked me, "Kellie, is that what you really think?"
Doctors should take every patient seriously, but they don't. How can you get your doctor to take you seriously? Lets start with this recent comment (edited for length):
I have a masters degree in pharmaceutical science and have worked with clinical research for 11 years . . . I feel that maybe I get to close to be on the "same level" as my psychiatrist. . . I am afraid my doctor might think that I have better control of my bipolar "state" than I have. I do not have control . . . I want her to think of me as THE patient. But on the other hand I do want to be involved and discuss treatments etc. . . I think that she does not realize how bad I am right now. No one does. I am that happy, funny outgoing guy Johan. They just do not look behind the mask . . . It is strange that no one takes it seriously when you say you have suicidal thoughts. Mutilation . . . My doctor knows that I am depressed. But why does she not realize how bad it is?
So, how do you get your doctor to take your seriously when you often appear alright to your doctor? Can your intellect actually do you a disservice?
I’ve always thought I was a good employee: I do good work, on time, and people generally like working with me. I say “generally” because at times in the past I’ve been a moody procrastinator who resists being told what to do. I’ve also burst into tears when given negative feedback from a boss and cursed at a coworker in front of several of our colleagues. Am I losing credibility here?
Yes, we have all been told that self-care is instrumental when recovering from a mental illness. We have probably been told that we need to eat a balanced diet, sleep eight hours a night, drink enough water, exercise on a regular basis, form positive relationships, frequent our psychiatrist, reach out to others in the community, take our medications, practice yoga...The list goes on. Extensively. It is worthy of a 1,000 page book.
Conventional Self-Care
I like to think of conventional self-care as prescribed self-care. It is as important as the prescriptions you take to find or maintain wellness. As stated above, the list of self-care recommendations are numerous. Let's focus on a few.
Where do we go from here? Most of the family thinks just to let her hit bottom and then if she reaches out to help any we can. Some want to just keep paying her bills and just let her sit in the house with no responsibilities. Never been on medication and impossible to get to her when she refuses to talk to ANYONE.
Help.
On the day we agreed to videochat to make things less awkward IRL she woke up with a migraine so we rescheduled to the day after, I made sure to assure her that it was okay and to take her time. Later that day, in the late evening we had a nice chat but suddenly she stopped replying, even though nothing had happened. The day after I texted her good morning and said I hope she was feeling a little better. she wouldn't open my texts.
A couple days after I sent her a longer text saying that even though I had only known her for a short time I care a lot for her and would like to know how she are doing, telling her I'm there for her, assuring her I'm not going anywhere even though things might not be very easy. She wouldn't open it.
A week later I sent a text saying not to feel bad about not answering and that I will be there when she is able to answer again. It's been two weeks since this and she still hasn't opened my texts. She hasn't been active at all.
I don't know what else I can do. I assumed she might have fallen into a depression. I have tried to just not think about it anymore, and I haven't that much but when I do it sort of kills me inside...