Do you ever have those dreams where you run and run and you never get anywhere? I used to have those dreams all the time before I started this quest to bipolar recovery. I felt lost. Like I would never get anywhere. And then I began to follow my own advice to those who had asked for it. I began to believe. I believed that what I wanted wasn’t unattainable. This time I ran and smack in the middle of my dream I stopped and smiled. I’m following the road to bipolar recovery and stability and it’s a wonderful thing!

Things are going well--I think I'm on my way to a peaceful bipolar life. My psychiatric nurse added an antipsychotic medication at bedtime and I’m doing better. I feel more stable. I have minor shakes, but I can live with that if it means I can handle life. I registered for college this past week and I’m going to start on June 1, 2010. I’m excited and nervous all at the same time. I have to say that I feel better able to handle the stress right now. I meditate twice a day now and it’s been amazing at controlling my stress. The affirmations that I listen to daily remind me that I’m going to make it. I’m keeping a positive outlook on life with bipolar. I feel like I'm about to live a peaceful bipolar life.

There was a noise in our car that had been there for a while. So, we went to Pep Boys to have it checked out. It turned out that the noise was a bad rotor in the brake system, but the break pad was fine. It was nothing to worry about right now. The car would still run fine. However, while they were there, they found out that the radiator was leaking. It cost $309 to fix it. I immediately went into stressed out mode. We had money to fix it, but just barely and we’d be sitting tight until the end of the month. I freaked out. I hate bills. They are always a trigger for a bipolar episode to start.

If I keep getting better, I can be whoever I want to be. Today was a fantastic day. I listened to my affirmations, meditated twice this morning and then I put on my suit to go to a volunteer meeting at NAMI. I was so psyched. My dream of helping others like me was going to come true. And then we listened to what they wanted in volunteers and I sighed. I didn’t want to answer the phone or pay a membership fee. I wanted to get down to the nitty gritty. I wanted to be with my people. I wanted to make a difference.

I couldn’t get to sleep last night. My mind was too full. I’m planning to go back to school and there is so much to do. There’s the financial aspect, there’s what I’m going to do with the girls, there’s applications and FAFSA’s to fill out. My biggest worry, though, is whether or not I can do it. Am I capable enough to go back to school and be successful despite my bipolar? Is it possible to even be making these plans not knowing if my bipolar disorder is going to be under control enough to do it? I’m not getting any younger. If I want to enter the work force and become a mental health advocate, I need to do it soon or I’ll regret it.

I haven’t felt like the best bipolar me in over two weeks. The Lithium finally kicked in and I was sick. I was nauseous after my night time meal and so drowsy during the day that I could barely keep my eyes open. I let it continue for two weeks. I thought that I just had to get used to it. Fortunately, I got tired of it and decided to do a little research. I found some information on Lithium and nausea that suggested that I split up my dosage into morning and night instead of just dosing at night. The results were amazing. I started to become the best bipolar me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to be the best bipolar me and what my father’s advice to me would be. The first time I told him I was suicidal, he merely said to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I resented the hell out of it. I felt powerless to do anything about my situation and my father insinuating that all I had to do is pull myself up was, I thought, disillusioning on his part. I was suffering from bipolar disorder and it was out of my control. How could I then control it when it controlled me?

My father was a beautiful man, but he passed away this past August. I thought then that I was coping with his death by not trying to think too much about it and carry on with my life. Instead, it triggered a bipolar depression that lasted from then until now. I didn’t expect to have to deal with his death this past year. I expected him to be sick, but I always thought that I had more time with him.

I hope my bipolar can get better; I dream to be free of bipolar disorder. Oxford dictionary defines hope as an expectation and a desire combined. It's synonyms are wish, ambition and dream. I dream of sunshine, freshly mowed grass and the absence of bipolar disorder. Can my dream become a reality? Can my bipolar get better? How can I accomplish this?

What do you say to taking chances? Starting fresh. Being you, but better. Would you take a chance to live the life you've always dreamed of? Would you do anything to trash your bipolar life and evolve into an improved you? Jump off the edge even if you're afraid. You're worth it.