• Watch the video on Narcissism and Adultery

Question:

My husband has a liaison with another woman. He has been diagnosed as suffering from a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What should I do?

Answer:

Narcissists are people who fail to maintain a stable sense of self-worth. Very often somatic narcissists (narcissistic who use their bodies and their sexuality to secure Narcissistic Supply) tend to get involved in extra-marital affairs. The new "conquests" sustain their grandiose fantasies and their distorted and unrealistic self-image.

It is, therefore, nigh impossible to alter this particular behaviour of a somatic narcissist. Sexual interactions serve as a constant, reliable, easy to obtain Source of Narcissistic Supply. It is the only source of such supply if the narcissist is not cerebral (=does not rely on his intellect, intelligence, or professional achievements for Narcissistic Supply).

You should set up rigid, strict and VERY WELL DEFINED rules of engagement. Ideally, all contacts between your spouse and his lover should be immediately and irrevocably severed. But this is usually too much to ask for. So, you should make crystal clear when is she allowed to call, whether she is allowed to write to him at all and in which circumstances, what are the subjects she is allowed to broach in her correspondence and phone calls, when is he allowed to see her and what other modes of interaction are permissible.

CLEAR AND PAINFUL SANCTIONS must be defined in case the above rules are violated. Both rules and sanctions MUST BE APPLIED RIGOROUSLY AND MERCILESSLY and MUST BE SET IN WRITING IN UNEQUIVOCAL TERMS.

The problem is that the narcissist never really separates from his Sources of Narcissistic Supply until and unless they cease to be ones. Narcissists never really say good-bye. His lover is likely to still have an emotional hold on him. Your husband must first have his day of reckoning.

Help him by telling him what will be the price that he stands to pay if he does not obey the rules and sanctions you have agreed on. Tell him that you cannot live like this any longer. That if he does not get rid of this presence - of the echoes of his past, really - he will be squandering his present, he will be forfieting you. Don't be afraid to lose him. If he prefers this woman to you - it is important for you to know it. If he prefers you to her - your nightmare is over.

If you insist on staying with him - you must also be prepared to serve as a Source of Narcissistic Supply, an alternative to the supply provided by his former lover. You must brace yourself: serving as a Narcissistic Supply Source is an onerous task, a full time job and a very ungrateful one at that. The narcissist's thirst for adulation, admiration, worship, approval, and attention can never by quenched. It is a Sisyphean, mind-numbing effort, which heralds only additional demands and disgruntled, critical, humiliating tirades by the narcissist.

That you are afraid to confront reality is normal. You are afraid to set clear alternatives. You are afraid that he will leave you. You are afraid that he will prefer her to you. AND YOU MAY WELL BE RIGHT. But if this is the case and you go on living with him and tormenting yourself - it is unhealthy.

If you have find it difficult to confront the fact that it is all over between you, that your relationship is an empty shell, that your husband is with another woman - do not hesitate to seek help from professionals and non-professionals alike. But do not let this situation fester into psychological gangrene. Amputate now while you can.

next: The Midlife Narcissist

• Watch the video on Can Two Narcisist Establish a Long Term, Stable Relationship?

Question:

Can two narcissists establish a long-term, stable relationship?

Answer:

Two narcissists of the same type (somatic, cerebral, classic, compensatory, inverted, etc.) cannot maintain a stable, long-term full-fledged, and functional relationship.

There are two types of narcissists: the somatic narcissist and the cerebral narcissist. The somatic type relies on his body and sexuality as Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The cerebral narcissist uses his intellect, his intelligence and his professional achievements to obtain the same.

Narcissists are either predominantly cerebral or overwhelmingly somatic. In other words, they either generate their Narcissistic Supply by using their bodies or by flaunting their minds.

The somatic narcissist flashes his sexual conquests, parades his possessions, puts his muscles on ostentatious display, brags about his physical aesthetics or sexual prowess or exploits, is often a health freak and a hypochondriac. The cerebral narcissist is a know-it-all, haughty and intelligent "computer". He uses his awesome intellect, or knowledge (real or pretended) to secure adoration, adulation and admiration. To him, his body and its maintenance are a burden and a distraction.

Both types are autoerotic (psychosexually in love with themselves, with their bodies or with their brains). Both types prefer masturbation to adult, mature, interactive, multi-dimensional and emotion-laden sex.

The cerebral narcissist is often celibate (even when he has a girlfriend or a spouse). He prefers pornography and sexual auto-stimulation to the real thing. The cerebral narcissist is sometimes a latent (hidden, not yet outed) homosexual.

The somatic narcissist uses other people's bodies to masturbate. Sex with him - pyrotechnics and acrobatics aside - is likely to be an impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience. The partner is often treated as an object, an extension of the somatic narcissist, a toy, a warm and pulsating vibrator.

It is a mistake to assume type-constancy. In other words, all narcissists are both cerebral and somatic. In each narcissist, one of the types is dominant. So, the narcissist is either largely cerebral - or dominantly somatic. But the other, recessive (manifested less frequently) type, is there. It is lurking, waiting to erupt. The narcissist swings between his dominant type and his recessive type which manifests mainly after a major narcissistic injury or life crisis.

The cerebral narcissist brandishes his brainpower, exhibits his intellectual achievements, basks in the attention given to his mind and to its products. He hates his body and neglects it. It is a nuisance, a burden, a derided appendix, an inconvenience, a punishment. The cerebral narcissist is asexual (rarely has sex, often years apart). He masturbates regularly and very mechanically. His fantasies are homosexual or paedophiliac or tend to objectify his partner (rape, group sex). He stays away from women because he perceives them to be ruthless predators who are out to consume him.

The cerebral narcissist typically goes through a few major life crises. He gets divorced, goes bankrupt, does time in prison, is threatened, harassed and stalked, is often devalued, betrayed, denigrated and insulted. He is prone to all manner of chronic illnesses.

Invariably, following every life crisis, the somatic narcissist in him takes over. The cerebral narcissist suddenly becomes a lascivious lecher. When this happens, he maintains a few relationships - replete with abundant and addictive sex - going simultaneously. He sometimes participates in and initiates group sex and mass orgies. He exercises, loses weight and hones his body into an irresistible proposition.

This outburst of unrestrained, primordial lust wanes in a few months and he settles back into his cerebral ways. No sex, no women, no body.

These total reversals of character stun his mates. His girlfriend or spouse finds it impossible to digest this eerie transformation from the gregarious, darkly handsome, well-built and sexually insatiable person that swept her off her feet - to the bodiless, bookwormish hermit with not an inkling of interest in either sex or other carnal pleasures.

The cerebral narcissist misses his somatic half, but finding a balance is a doomed quest. The satyre that is the somatic narcissist is forever trapped in the intellectual cage of the cerebral one, the Brain.

Thus, if both members of the couple are cerebral narcissists, for instance if both of them are scholars - the resulting competition prevents them from serving as ample Sources of Narcissistic Supply to each other. Finally the mutual admiration society crumbles.

Consumed by the pursuit of their own narcissistic gratification, they have no time or energy or will left to cater to the narcissistic needs of their partner. Moreover, the partner is perceived as a dangerous and vicious contender for a scarce resource: Sources of Narcissistic Supply. This may be less true if the two narcissists work in totally unrelated academic or intellectual fields.

But if the narcissists involved are of different types, if one of them is cerebral and the other one somatic, a long-term partnership based on the mutual provision of Narcissistic Supply can definitely survive.

Example: if one of the narcissists is somatic (uses his/her body as a source of narcissistic gratification) and the other one cerebral (uses his intellect or his professional achievements as such a source), there is nothing to destabilise such collaboration. It is even potentially emotionally rewarding.

The relationship between these two narcissists resembles the one that exists between an artist and his art or or a collector and his collection. This can and does change, of course, as the narcissists involved grow older, flabbier and less agile intellectually. The somatic narcissist is also prone to multiple sexual relationships and encounters intended to support his somatic and sexual self-image. These may subject the relationship to fracturing strains. But, all in all, a stable and enduring relationship can - and often does - develop between dissimilar narcissists.

next: The Extra-Marital Narcissist

Thoughtful quotes about work, how we define work and the importance of work in our lives.

Words of Wisdom

"Responsible work is an embodiment of love...We lose ourselves in our love of the task before us and, in that moment, we learn an identity that lives both within and beyond us." (Theodore Roszak)

"I pray every single second of my life; not on my knees, but with my work." (Susan B Anthony)

"When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece." (John Ruskin)

"Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live." (Margaret Fuller)

"Always you have been told that work is a curse and labor of misfortune. But I say to you that when you work you fulfill a part of earth's furthest dream..." (Kahill Gibran)

""Seems to me that the highest possible reward for any man's labor is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it." (Brock Bell)

"Work is love made visible." (Kahill Gibran)

"Before the enlightenment, carry the water, till the soil. After enlightenment, carry the water, till the soil." (Zen teaching)

"Almost anything you do will seem insignificant, but it is very important that you do it." (Gandhi)

next:Ambivalence

Introduction

• WeRMany Homepage
• About Me

Reading Room

• Reading Room Homepage
• Terminology
• FAQ Sheet
• MPD/DID Key Findings Quick Facts
• Dissociation Self-Test
• Understanding Dissociative Disorders Through Dissociative Signs and Symptoms
• An Overview of Diagnosis and Treatment
• Aspects of the Treatment of Multiple Personality Disorder
• The Treatment Of Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD): Current Concepts
• Uses Of Hypnosis with Multiple Personality
• Projective Techniques in the Counseling Process:
• Rating Your Psychotherapist
• Potential Triggers that Bring on Switching, Panic, Memories
• Tips for Managing Triggers
• Switching Characteristics
• Discerning Alter Personalities from Demons
• Inner Faces Of Multiplicity
• Child Abuse And Multiple Personality Disorder:
• Multiple Personality, Mirrors of a New Model Mind
• The People Inside
• What You Can Change and What You Can't
• Considering Suicide?

Support

• So... The World Will Be Better Off? Wrong!! Why Not Suicide
• Considering Suicide?

back to:  WeRMany Homepage

If parents do not enter a young child's world, but instead require him or her to enter theirs to make contact, the resulting damage can last a lifetime. In "Voicelessness: Narcissism," I presented one way adults react having experienced this scenario in childhood: they constantly try to re-inflate their leaky "self." However, different temperaments spawn different adjustments: some children, by their very nature, are incapable of aggressively seeking attention. If no one is entering their world, they unconsciously employ a different strategy. They diminish their voice, make as few demands as possible, and bend themselves like a pretzel to fit their parents world.

To secure their place in the family, these children often become expert in intuiting their parents' feelings and moods and automatically responding in ways they deem helpful. In effect, they become good parents to their own parents.

What happens when these children enter adulthood? Depending on personality and history, there are different possibilities. Here are two:

Some become gentle, sensitive, and non-assuming adults. They are also generous and caring, often volunteering for charitable organizations, animal shelters, and the like. Frequently they feel other people's pain as if it were their own, and are racked by guilt if they cannot somehow relieve this distress. Many seem to tiptoe in and out of rooms. Unfortunately these qualities also allow them to be used and abused by other people, for they are unable to stop giving without feeling they are bad or unworthy. Having a secure "place" and providing for others' emotional needs are inextricably woven together. If they are not providing, they feel they are no longer part of anyone's world, and they have no value to anyone. Their self-esteem is completely dependent upon responding to others needs. In extreme cases, their "voicelessness" is so complete, so consuming, these "little voices" literally are silent for long periods of time. This is not a form of passive aggressive behavior (as has often been suggested) or even a retreat from relationships. Unless asked direct questions, they simply can't think of anything to say. "What do you want?" (now, this week, this year, during your lifetime) is impossible for them to answer. Early in their childhood they stopped wanting because no one paid any attention to their wishes. Their place in life was to know what everyone else wanted--this is the only place they felt comfortable and unthreatened.

Other "little voices" ultimately become aware that they have sacrificed their independence, their "voice," in bending around others, and become negative and bitter. They are exceptionally sensitive to what they perceive as the non-responsiveness of people around them--precisely because they compare their own generous nature to the words and actions of others. Almost everyone comes up short. As a result, they are viewed by others as "critical" and difficult to get along with. They are easily slighted and prone to angry outbursts. The theme of their anger is often: look what I've done for you, and look what I get back. And yet they are trapped, because if they stop anticipating everyone's needs they feel invisible. Sometimes, these "little voices" live with (or close to) their demanding and unappreciative parents until the parents die; they deeply resent siblings who managed to escape.

"Little voices" are the polar opposites of narcissists. The former relinquishes all "voice," while the latter gobbles it up. When the two are matched in a relationship, the potential for physical and emotional abuse is high. Domestic violence cases often involve "little voices" and "narcissists." Yet, the under-entitlement of "little voices" and over-entitlement of narcissists are both methods of adapting to the same phenomenon: childhood "voicelessness." Interestingly, the same voice-depriving family can produce "little voices" and "narcissists." Why is this so? Genetic factors probably play the biggest role. Narcissism requires aggression, "little voice," passivity. Birth order may also count: if one child strives aggressively for family resources, it is that much harder for the next in line to compete using a similar method.

In this essay, I have talked about extreme cases of "little voice." But in fact, many of the people who come to see me share, at least to some extent, the experience of "little voice." They have unconsciously diminished their presence in order to find a niche in their family and a place in the world. To be seen and heard, they feel they must take care of, or bend around, others. Luckily, "little voices" can be helped. The healing process requires a therapist who understands the historical roots of the problem and is capable of developing a client's "voice" through a genuine, empathic relationship.

About the author: Dr. Grossman is a clinical psychologist and author of the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival web site.

next: Voicelessness: Depression

Become Who You Want To Be

"If you see a difference between where you are and where you want to be - consciously change your thoughts, words, and actions to match your grandest vision."
- Neal Donald Walsch

This site is dedicated to helping you know yourself better, accept yourself more, and recognize that you have the power to be whoever you wish. Life involves discovery, but more profoundly, its the conscious creation of yourself and your dreams.

There is also considerable information about achieving happiness and creating loving relationships.

I encourage you to accept into your heart and mind only those thoughts and ideas that ring true for you and discard the rest. Welcome and enjoy the journey.

"Personal unhappiness is the single greatest contributor to most relationship problems."

• Defining Love
  • Core Components of Love
  • How Do We Express Love?
• Is Love Painful?
• Types of Relationships
  • Romantic Love Relationships
  • Are You In Love or Infatuated?
• The Key to Successful Relationships
• Problems in Relationships
  • I love you more
  • Nothing in common
  • We can't talk about that
  • If you loved me, you would...
  • Starting over with another
• How We Fight
  • I'll show you, I'll ignore you
  • I need to teach you a lesson
  • You hurt me, now I hurt you
• How to Improve Your Relationship

Check our sitemap for all the contents in this website.

next: Be Self 'ish' in Love

Part 2: Preparation

Are You An Overeater? A Check List.

Your doctor, friends, family, nutritionist and calorie tables may describe your eating as too much, too little or strange. They may describe it as healthy and within reasonable limits. Only you know the details of your eating habits and the influence food has in your life.

Do any of these food related statements describe your experience?

• I eat meal portions larger than necessary.
• I eat privately before eating publicly to disguise how much I eat.
• I'm a "grazer," eating throughout the day and evening.
• I eat alone after being with friends or coworkers.
• I crowd my mind with thoughts about food.
• I starve myself for hours or days to create guilt free eating time.
• I binge. (Classically binge eating involves massive eating in a short period of time. But while a quart of ice cream may be a binge to one person a small dish may be a binge to another. If you think or feel you binge, that self defined binge behavior is something to explore.)
• I vomit or use laxatives to ride myself of food I've eaten.
• I exercise regularly and specifically to burn up calories from what I think is too much food.
• I have some private rituals regarding certain foods.

The thread which runs through these behaviors is that you are eating for reasons other than food hunger. In addition, if eating ranks among the most satisfying emotional or stress reducing experiences in your life, you may be living with too many unsatisfying relationships with people.

Why you live this way may be a secret even from you. Understanding the link between your undesirable eating habits and neglected aspects of your personal life can help free you from overeating.

Personal Rewards in Freedom From Food Tyranny

Your journey to freedom from overeating is not easy. Looking at the rewards you will reap can help sustain you when the going gets tough. As your emotional dependency on food diminishes you will discover these changes in your life.

• You improve relationships.
• You are more sensitive and attentive to yourself and others.
• You enjoy others more and they enjoy you.
• You become physically more attractive.
  • For example:
    • Swollen glands shrink.
    • Glazed eyes become clear and alert.
    • Hair develops a healthy sheen.
    • Physical movements become more coordinated and graceful.
• You may be safer.
  • You reduce or end your late night trips to grocery stores or fast food places which may put you in a vulnerable position.
  • You reduce the chances of being in car accidents, from fender benders to major accidents. Such accidents can result when you, the driver, are distracted by food thoughts or by bingeing in the car.
• You have more time for people and activities when you use the energy you previously put into food and eating toward something else.
• You are more creative and productive.
• You are able to think more clearly.
• You have more energy for projects you may have considered unreachable dreams.
• You save money. You spend less on food.
• Emotionally you have more experiences of self-confidence, peace and joy.
• You feel more alive.

The Dilemma in Recovery

The dilemma in your recovery process is that eventually, healing and triumph require that you face secrets in yourself.

Despite the benefits in freedom, overeating is difficult to stop. You are using food to stop or prevent yourself from feeling uncomfortable or painful emotions. Your eating patterns are a solution to difficult emotional experience.

You may be eating for protection from loneliness and self doubt.

You may be hiding from your own anger.

You may feel eating protects you from danger.

Often you don't even know this. What you do know is that you feel uncomfortable, nervous, irritable and frightened when you try to stop overeating.

These feelings signal that you have secrets from yourself.

Your dilemma is that you can change your eating patterns permanently only if you face and resolve your secrets.

If you follow any reasonable diet regime you will lose or gain weight, depending on your goal.

However, since diets address behavior alone they strip you of your protection from your own secrets. No alternative protection is given. As you eat more appropriately your anxiety can grow until it is unbearable.

With feelings of false power and superiority, or shame, guilt and relief, you return to the food solution.

Addressing the unknown in yourself is the heart of any useful method to stop overeating.

If your overeating is a short term and mild problem, you can address it with this guide and patient friends. If it is a long term or life interfering situation, you will need to include additional forms of help.

Preparation for the End of Overeating

Like preparing for any journey, you will need some equipment. In your case the equipment, while intangible, is essential in coping with challenges along the way. Similar to other journeys, you will gain expertise with your equipment and discover new and useful applications by continued practice.

Essential Equipment List

1. Honesty.

You will need honesty. Willingness to be honest with yourself clarifies your position, gives you more opportunities of choice and opens your eyes and heart to realistic solutions. The more honest thought you give to your overeating the more opportunity you give yourself to be free.

Being honest, you will recognize that your unwanted eating patterns serve to numb your feelings and help you hide from living. The sense of danger which occurs when you do not overeat feels greater than the suffering you experience because you are overeating. By following the workbook exercises you will develop the courage you need to dare to face the fears which accompany a life of not overeating.

2. Fully accepting that you don't know all the answers.

When you know you don't know something, you know something. You become open, curious and more able to learn.

Overeaters usually know what conditions contribute to their overeating. For example, they may be familiar with a usual pattern like eating all the leftovers after a party, or overeating when getting home from work or school when they know they are going to be alone. But they don't really know why they are doing this.

Once you know your undesirable food behavior relates to an attempt to help yourself, you can begin to help yourself in new ways. You are at the point of starting your triumphant journey.

3. Increased self-awareness.

Self-awareness is also part of your equipment. As you become more aware of your emotional states during the times you are vulnerable to overeating, you can discover clues about your inner secrets.

4. A willingness to learn to recognize limits.

Part of honesty and self awareness is the ability to recognize limits. When you recognize the limits of what you know or can do for yourself, you may feel anxious. Learning to tolerate this and be willing to learn something new helps you discover new opportunities.

5. A willingness to learn to allow other people to help.

Over time, with practice and growing strength, you can develop this discriminating acceptance of others. But for beginning your journey, all you need is the willingness to try.

6. Appreciation of realistic time.

Overeating numbs you quickly but temporarily. Permanent change takes substantial time to develop. Going from the fast numbing relief of overeating to the gradual development of genuine strength and feeling requires a sense of patience and acceptance of real time.

7. Kindness.

Perhaps the most difficult to use and most essential to carry in your equipment bag is kindness. Sometimes your journey will be arduous and you will be tempted to be severe with yourself. More powerful than any harsh criticism, kindness and gentle encouragement will sustain you. Daily reading out loud of the affirmations in Appendix B can be reinforcing and help you develop this most needed piece of equipment - kindness to yourself.

end of part 2

next: Part Three: Exercises to Stop Overeating: 1 - 10
~ all triumphant journey articles
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

Therapy is unique. Each client, each therapist, and each meeting are one of a kind.

But if we look at therapy from a great enough distance we can see that there are eight predictable stages in the process.

GETTING READY
It all starts when we notice that certain problems and emotions are getting in the way of daily functioning. This might go on for weeks or months before it finally dawns on us that good help is available for such problems. We realize we don't have to go it alone. And we call a therapist.

GETTING STARTED
The topic of the first few therapy meetings is: "Why are you here?" And significant change often occurs during this early information exchange. Working with the therapist to define and clarify each problem actually solves some of them.

For Example:
Someone comes to therapy complaining about not sleeping due to worry about work performance. They see the problem as "making too many mistakes at work." But while clarifying and defining the problem, the client might say that they've received good evaluations at work for many years.

So, the therapist might say: "I don't think you have a problem about making too many mistakes.
I think the problem is what you habitually say to yourself about work." Armed with this new way of defining the problem, the person might feel relief, take more control of their thoughts, and sleep better immediately.

EARLY CHANGES
In the beginning, clients list all of the things they'd like to change. They also mention some of the ideas they've had about how to go about making these changes. The therapist looks over these ideas, picks out the healthy ones, and says: "Sounds good to me. Why don't you do that and let me know how it goes?"

This is called "giving the client permission to change." This encouragement, along with the therapist's ongoing support, resolves a few more of the problems on the client's list.

NEW PROBLEMS IDENTIFIED
The remaining problems on the client's list need more than just good ideas and permissions. They can only be solved after various self-limiting beliefs are removed. These deeper problems become the focus of the rest of therapy.

PLATEAUS
Sometimes the client and the therapist are on a roll. Performance on the job, relationships with friends and loved ones, and most other aspects of the person's life keep improving steadily.

At other times, there are plateaus during which nothing much seems to change. The client knows things are better now, but they still don't feel good enough to have confidence in the future.

Much can be said about these plateaus, but for our purposes today we'll just acknowledge that they exist, that they are a normal part of therapy, and that they are necessary preparation for the changes to be made later.

CHANGES IN WORLD VIEW
All of the client's self-limiting beliefs can be seen as flaws in their "world view," which is how they see the world and their place in it, and what they habitually do about it. These beliefs are xamined wisely, rationally, and repeatedly during the therapy process.

We decided on our view of the world way back in childhood while interacting with parents and other adults.

We decide on a new, healthier view of the world in adulthood while interacting with the therapist.

TRYING IT ALONE
After major problems are resolved the client may feel a strong urge to try it on his or her own.

During one of these periods of trying it alone the client decides they have made enough changes and that further therapy wouldn't be a good use of their time, energy, and money.

ENDINGS
All relationships end eventually, and all good relationships end with sadness.

The last therapy meeting is a review of all of the progress the client has made. So, it is primarily a happy, celebratory event.

But there are also the sad goodbyes that come from knowing that this rare and exceptional event in the lives of both the client and therapist has reached a natural conclusion.

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: Stop Making Comparisons!

hapter 8 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

A BRANCH OF PSYCHOLOGY called neurolinguistic programming has made an interesting and useful discovery: You can change the way you imagine or remember things without changing what you imagine, and it will change your feelings. For example, if a visual memory makes you sad whenever you think about it, you can make that mental picture smaller and dimmer, and when you do, the memory won't make you as sad. Since you haven't changed the content of the memory, you haven't lost any information. You've simply made it less painful.

When you visually remember a pleasant memory, you can make the picture more colorful and the memory will give you even more intense good feelings. You can make your pictures of the future brighter, wider, deeper, or you can bring the images closer. Changes like these will make you feel different - even when you leave the content of the picture the same.

These are general guidelines. You'll need to experiment for yourself to find out what will work for a particular image. For a few people, making an exciting picture brighter makes the feelings less intense. And for some kinds of pictures, increasing the brightness would cause the feelings to become less intense - for example, a romantic memory.

What is true for visual images also applies to the way you talk to yourself. For example, if you have trouble motivating yourself, try changing the tone of voice you use when you speak to yourself. Some people order themselves around. The voice they use to talk to themselves is harsh and commanding. Listening to yourself being bossy can have the same effect as listening to someone else being bossy: It can make you want to rebel. Change your tone to friendly or seductive, and you might feel more motivated. When you tell yourself, "I can do it," fill your internal voice with enthusiasm and back it up with inspiring music. The possibilities are virtually endless.

The important thing to understand is that the way you code your inner world has an impact, and you have quite a bit of control over that coding. You can change it deliberately. When you do, it will change your feelings, which will change your actions, which will change the world around you.

Change the details of your thoughts.

Change your thoughts in a very specific way, as outlined in Optimism, and the everyday setbacks and disappointments will lose their power to bring you down. Find out how right here:
Optimism

Learn how to prevent yourself from falling into the common traps we are all prone to because of the structure of the human brain:

Thoughtical Illusions

Would you like a little encouragement and practical techniques for living your life with honor? Would you like to know some secrets of personal integrity? Check this out:
Forging Mettle

How about a little inspiration on your path to greater wisdom, goodness, and honor? Here it is:
Honest Abe

Here's a completely unconventional anger management technique, and really whole new way of life that prevents much of the anger and conflict from ever starting:
Unnatural Acts

Here's a way to deal with conflict without getting angry, and coming to good solutions:
The Conflict of Honesty

next: Adrift

Depression and Spiritual Growth

D. THE ROLE OF MYSTICAL EXPERIENCE

1. The Dark Journey

The notion of the Dark Journey or the Dark Night of the Soul appears in many places in the literature of Western religion and philosophy. A comprehensive discussion of this phenomenon from the point of view of Christianity and Quakerism can be found in the wonderful book Dark Night Journey by Sandra Cronk, cited in the Bibliography. When I read her book, years after the crisis I will shortly describe, I could see that major depression is a special kind of Dark Journey, comprising most, but not all, of the elements she describes. Reading her book thus gives extra insight into a depressed person's struggle for survival. And, perhaps surprisingly, lessons learned in the survival of severe depression can actually give back new insight into the meaning of the Dark Journey.

The story that follows is true. I slipped quickly into major depression in September of 1985. By December, I dropped very suddenly into a suicidal state. In early January, 1986 I went home one afternoon to pull the trigger. But my wife had already removed the gun from the house, and my plan was thwarted. Being incapacitated to the point I could not immediately come up with another plan, I was stuck, and I simply stumbled forward as well as I could.

Somewhere during the end of January or early February, my wife and I had lunch near campus. In walking back we parted company to go to our respective offices. It was snowing moderately. I went along for a few steps, and on impulse turned around to look at her going away. As she moved further along her path, I watched her slowly disappear into the falling snow: first her white knit stocking cap, then then her light-colored trousers, and finally her dark parka; then ... gone! In an instant I felt a tremendous pang of loneliness, a tremendous sense of loss and emptiness as I found myself asking "What would happen to me if she were suddenly gone tomorrow? How could I stand it? How would I survive?'' I was stunned. And I stood there in the falling snow, not moving, attracting attention from passers-by for several moments. Then suddenly I "heard a voice'' in my mind asking me "What would happen to her if you were suddenly gone tomorrow?" Suddenly I understood that those same terrible questions would be hers if I were to kill myself. I felt like I had been hit with both barrels of a shotgun, and I had to stand there quite a while figuring it out.

What I finally understood is that my life isn't really "mine''. It belongs to me, sure, but in the context of all the other lives it touches. And that when all the chips are down on the table, I don't have the moral/ethical right to destroy my life because of the impact that would have on all the people who know and love me. Some part of "their'' life is "attached to'', "dwells within'', mine. Killing myself would imply killing part of them! Suicide is one thing; murder is quite another, and totally unacceptable. And I could understand very clearly that I did not want any of the people I love killing themselves. By reciprocity I realized that they would say the same of me. And at that moment I decided I had to hang on as long as I absolutely could. It was the only acceptable path forward, despite the pain it would bring.

I feel that this insight provides an irrefutable answer to the question posed earlier "just whose life is it, anyway?!'' Obviously it is only my answer (or, more precisely, the answer I was given) to this very hard question.

Some time later, I no longer know exactly when, I experienced a "delayed reaction'' to the event described above. While "part'' of my mind was still bent on suicide, and had to be resisted, in another "part'' of my mind I felt an increasingly strong conviction that I was being protected, sheltered, and that it would all come out all right.} It helped to quiet my worst fears; it offered the faintest breath of hope even though my depression was as severe as ever. I felt that I had been touched. I can't say for sure that it was God who touched me (though that seems like the correct metaphor for the experience); but I know for certain that it was a "force'' of tremendous power, and that the merest touch of it is enough to last a lifetime. I have tried to evoke some sense of what happened in the following poem, written at a much later time.

Dark Journey

Unexpectedly
blackness envelops us,
making movement impossible.
Thus begins our souls' dark journey
of isolation, loss, fear.
Only when we lose our false courage,
abandon hope, and turn to You
chastened, in complete trust,
do we feel Your hand guiding us,
carrying us to the center of Grace,
where Light, at last,
burns away our fear of our own mortality.
It is then, for the first time,
that we feel You, become alive.

This is a story. It is not meant for the logician or the philosopher. I know it is not the only conclusion that could one could reach, and that many other things might be said. I offer it to you only as the speck of Light I was able to return with from the edge of my own black canyon. At the time, it sustained me for another seven suicidal months, until effective medication was found. Today, needless to say, I am very glad the events described above carried me through.

This little saga came to a point of completion many years later, in the summer of 1993. In the Boulder Meeting, I was thinking back to 1986/87, and the pure hell I went through then; how painful it was, how crushing and frightening. I found myself asking "Was that a test? Was it punishment? Was it a trial?'' And then I remembered that it was then that I first felt touched (by God's hand?), felt held, guided, carried, protected, even in the deepest, darkest places. So I had to conclude it simply couldn't be a test or punishment; that wouldn't make sense. So I asked again "Why is it given to us to have to travel through such terrible darkness?'' Suddenly I was given the answer! It is a child's answer: so obvious that only a child might ever think of it. It is this: it is in the deepest darkness that one can most easily see light. God's Light; your Inner Light. (As an astronomer let me say something else obvious: If you want to see stars, you don't go out at noon. You go out at midnight. And the darker it is then, the more, and fainter, stars you can see.)

The picture I got is that in our lives, our Inner Light may get obscured, covered over by all kinds of things such as pride, anger, arrogance, greed, betrayal, false belief, illness, pain ... on and on. Eventually there comes the day when we can't see it any more. Then we are lost, yet only we can find ourselves again. But then if we are plunged into great darkness, we have a chance to find that Light again, no matter how faint it may have become. All one needs to do is look! So I was led to the amazing conclusion that the Dark Journey is not a test, a trial, or a punishment, ..... it is a gift!

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