Here are some conversation techniques that help us to effectively communicate with others. Some may think these are tricks, but they are techniques commonly used by everyone. They are used in everyday conversation and there's no shame in using them. The difference here is that they are typed out.

These conversation techniques are taught to salesmen, and executives, and are not designed for people who try to use them to take advantage of others. I promise they work and will make you much stronger in communicating with others. They will also help you to see and to know the humanity in other people.

Here goes:

1. The thing that most people want to hear in a conversation is their own voice. You can use this to your advantage by asking opinion type questions. Leave the other person a way to elaborate. After you ask, shut up and listen. If you keep talking, and do not allow the other party to answer, you will be seen as rude.
2. Ask open-ended questions. They can make you a hero. An example: "How do you feel about ....?, What is your thinking on ....?, Do you believe that ....?. These are questions that can't be answered with a "yes" or a "no".
3. Be direct and look the other person in the eye while you talk. Avoiding eye contact may cause what you say to be taken as untruthful.
4. Recount or reflect what the other person says. When you reflect, you take part of what the other person said, and repeat it with the "do you mean ...?", or the "are you saying ....?" in front of it. Things like "Oh?", "Really?", and "You don't say" also make someone elaborate on what they have said, but are not reflective. Don't say "Oh, really"? that infers that you don't believe the speaker and it requires him to try to convince you. Of course, that's okay, if that is your intent.
5. Listen for concepts and don't concentrate on facts. Facts are there to back up the concepts. Ask yourself "What is this person telling me"? I went to college years ago and because no one ever told me this, I made lots of totally useless notes with all sorts of facts. To practice this, listen to speeches and you may find that the speaker had no concepts at all!
6. Try to use your thought speed to mentally recap what is being said. You think more than 4-times faster than a speaker will be speaking. Don't waste that thought speed on anything else.
7. Know that whatever you say, the facts are that after a conversation, the listener will only retain something like 50% of it. And after 48-hours, he will have retained only 25% of what he heard. Also note that because the backgrounds (histories) are not the same from speaker-to-listener, we cannot get 100% of the information transferred between two people. There is always a big loss.
8. Pauses in conversation usually will cause the other person to speak. They will do so because the other person feels awkward and unnatural if you stop saying anything. This technique will cause the person to expand on what he has said or sometimes to recant or rephrase his statement. This is a very powerful tool of conversation. And, if you are in control of the conversation, you can make the pause as long as is necessary. You will also see when someone is using pauses on you.
9. Conversational skills can be gauged by how you read the body language of the other person. While you listen to them, watch them. Sometimes they say one thing and really are feeling something quite different. It takes a lot of practice to be good at this. Look for the topics "body language" and "nonverbal communication" to learn more about them.

Try some of these things, and watch people open up to you. Wow, instant conversational expert! I hope that these things will get you started in a direction to be more comfortable when you talk with other people. These things work. I have firsthand knowledge that they do. I have used them and taught them in communication classes. If you are not American, there may be some differences in your native language or customs.

I would suggest that you print these for future reference. Now, is that guy conceited or what?

next: A Depressed Person's Letter
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"In order to stop giving our power away, to stop reacting out of our inner children, to stop setting ourselves up to be victims, so that we can start learning to trust and Love ourselves, we need to begin to practice discernment. Discernment is having the eyes to see, and the ears to hear - and the ability to feel the emotional energy that is Truth.

We cannot become clear on what we are seeing or hearing if we are reacting to emotional wounds that we have not been willing/able to feel and subconscious attitudes that we have not been willing/able to look at. We cannot learn to trust ourselves as long as we are still setting ourselves up to be victimized by untrustworthy people."

"Not only were we taught to be victims of people, places, and things, we were taught to be victims of ourselves, of our own humanity. We were taught to take our ego-strength, our self-definition from external manifestations of our being. . . Looks, talent, intelligence external manifestations of our being are gifts to be celebrated. They are temporary gifts. They are not our total being. They do not define us or dictate if we have worth. We were taught to do it backwards. To take our self-definition and self-worth from temporary illusions outside of, or external to our beings. It does not work. It is dysfunctional."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

Codependence and interdependence are two very different dynamics.

Codependence is about giving away power over our self-esteem. Taking our self-definition and self-worth from outside or external sources is dysfunctional because it causes us to give power over how we feel about ourselves to people and forces which we cannot control. Any time that we give power over our self-esteem to something outside of ourselves we are making that person or thing our higher power. We are worshiping false gods.

If my self-esteem is based on people, places, and things; money, property, and prestige; looks, talent, intelligence; then I am set up to be a victim. People will not always do what I want them too; property can be destroyed by an earthquake or flood or fire; money can disappear in a stock market crash or bad investment; looks change as I get older. Everything changes. All outside or external conditions are temporary.

That is why it is so important to get in touch with our Spiritual connection. To start realizing that we have worth because we are children of God. That we are all part of the Eternal ONENESS that is the God Force/Goddess Energy/Great Spirit. We are Spiritual beings having a human experience our worth as beings is not dependent upon any outer or external condition. We are Unconditionally Loved and we always have been.

The more we can start owning the Truth of who we really are and integrating it into our relationship with ourselves, the more we can enjoy this human experience that we are having. Then we can start learning how to be interdependent - how to give power away in conscious, healthy ways because our self-worth is no longer dependent on outside sources.

Interdependence is about making allies, forming partnerships. It is about forming connections with other beings. Interdependence means that we give someone else some power over our welfare and our feelings.

Anytime we care about somebody or something we give away some power over our feelings. It is impossible to Love without giving away some power. When we choose to Love someone (or thing - a pet, a car, anything) we are giving them the power to make us happy - we cannot do that without also giving them the power to hurt us or cause us to feel angry or scared.

In order to live we need to be interdependent. We cannot participate in life without giving away some power over our feelings and our welfare. I am not talking here just about people. If we put money in a bank we are giving some power over our feelings and welfare to that bank. If we have a car we have a dependence on it and will have feelings if it something happens to it. If we live in society we have to be interdependent to some extent and give some power away. The key is to be conscious in our choices and own responsibility for the consequences.

The way to healthy interdependence is to be able to see things clearly - to see people, situations, life dynamics and most of all ourselves clearly. If we are not working on healing our childhood wounds and changing our childhood programming then we cannot begin to see ourselves clearly let alone anything else in life.

The disease of Codependence causes us to keep repeating patterns that are familiar. So we pick untrustworthy people to trust, undependable people to depend on, unavailable people to love. By healing our emotional wounds and changing our intellectual programming we can start to practice discernment in our choices so that we can change our patterns and learn to trust ourselves.

As we develop healthy self-esteem based on knowing that the Force is with us and Loves us, then we can consciously take the risk of Loving, of being interdependent, without buying into the belief that the behavior of others determines our self-worth. We will have feelings - we will get hurt, we will be scared, we will get angry - because those feelings are an unavoidable part of life. Feelings are a part of the human experience that we came here to learn about - they cannot be avoided. And trying to avoid them only causes us to miss out on the Joy and Love and happiness that can also be a part of the human experience.

next: The Evolution of the Term 'Codependence'

"As long as we look outside of Self - with a capital S - to find out who we are, to define ourselves and give us self-worth, we are setting ourselves up to be victims.

We were taught to look outside of ourselves - to people, places, and things; to money, property, and prestige - for fulfillment and happiness. It does not work, it is dysfunctional. We cannot fill the hole within with anything outside of Self.

You can get all the money, property, and prestige in the world, have everyone in the world adore you, but if you are not at peace within, if you don't Love and accept yourself, none of it will work to make you Truly happy."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

My friend Robert died the other day. He died alone in a hotel room and his body wasn't found for two days. He weighed 125 pounds when he died.

Robert was an alcoholic who couldn't stay sober. He had been through full thirty day (and longer) treatment programs at least 15 times. He had been in detox fifty times easily. Drinking had destroyed his body. Robert should have been dead years ago. In the past 3 or 4 years almost every time he drank he ended up in intensive care. I did much of my grieving for my friend three years ago, the last time I rescued him from his cabin on Taos Mountain and took him to the emergency room.

Robert went to lots of meetings and tried real hard to work the program but on one critical point he didn't have enough humility. He did not have enough humility to accept that he was lovable.

My friend had made and lost fortunes in his life. He had been with lots of women and had lots of possessions. He still had lots of possessions when he died. He still had the cabin in Taos Ski Valley but he didn't have the strength to walk up the fifty steps to the front door.

Robert used money to try to buy friendship and love. And then he felt betrayed because he believed that people only wanted to be around him for his money. If you were friendly to him for no apparent reason then he would talk about giving you money because that gave you an excuse to care about him. He just could not believe that he was worthy of love just for who he was.

Robert was full of shame. He was full of shame because he was raised in a dysfunctional family in a shame-based society. His Father was a verbally/emotionally abusive perfectionist for whom nothing was ever good enough. His mother was too terrified and shame-based to protect her son.

As a young child Robert got the message that he wasn't lovable but that if he was successful enough and made enough money he might earn the right to be loved. He was successful and made lots of money but it did not work to convince him that he was good enough.

My friend had no permission from himself to receive love. When I published my book I listed him among people who had touched my life on the Acknowledgements Page. When he saw his name listed there he cursed me (his generation, and mine, were taught to relate to other men that way, to say 'I love you' by calling each other names) and cried briefly (which he felt was very shameful) and then he drank. In his relationship with himself Robert was too shame-based to believe that he was lovable.

I believe that the great majority of Alcoholics are born with a genetic, hereditary predisposition that is physiological. Environment does not cause Alcoholism. Robert was not an Alcoholic because he was shame-based - it was because of his shame that he could not stay sober. He had a blustery, 'hail-fellow-well-met', in your face kind of ego-strength that was very fragile. As soon as he got sober his ego defenses would fracture and the shame underneath would cause him to sabotage his sobriety.

That doesn't mean that people who can stay sober don't have shame. Some of us just have more ego defenses that buries the shame deeper. That is good news in early sobriety because it helps one to stay sober. It can be bad news later on because it can cause us to resist growth and to not have the humility to be teachable The reason that I am alive today is because I was able to go to treatment for Codependence in my fifth year of recovery while working as a therapist in a treatment center. I had sworn that I would kill myself before I drank again and the feelings which were surfacing had me close to it when I went to Sierra Tucson. That was where I met Robert.

What killed my friend were the grave emotional and mental disorders caused by growing up with parents who did not love themselves in a dysfunctional family in an emotionally-dishonest, Spiritually-hostile, shame-based society. What killed Robert was his Codependence. His relationship with himself was full of self-hatred and shame and he couldn't stay sober long enough to get to the point where he could deal with his childhood issues.

Robert was born with a genetic predisposition to have a fatal disease, Alcoholism. His childhood inflicted a second fatal disease on him. My friend Robert was one more of the many Alcoholics to die of Codependence.

next: Grave Emotional and Mental Disorders

• Watch the video on Debate About Causes and Types of Narcissists

The study of narcissism is a century old and the two scholarly debates central to its conception are still undecided. Is there such a thing as HEALTHY adult narcissism (Kohut) - or are all the manifestations of narcissism in adulthood pathological (Freud, Kernberg)? Moreover, is pathological narcissism the outcome of verbal, sexual, physical, or psychological abuse (the overwhelming view) - or, on the contrary, the sad result of spoiling the child and idolizing it (Millon, the late Freud)?

The second debate is easier to resolve if one agrees to adopt a more comprehensive definition of "abuse". Overweening, smothering, spoiling, overvaluing, and idolizing the child - are all forms of parental abuse.

This is because, as Horney pointed out, the child is dehumanized and instrumentalized. His parents love him not for what he really is - but for what they wish and imagine him to be: the fulfilment of their dreams and frustrated wishes. The child becomes the vessel of his parents' discontented lives, a tool, the magic brush with which they can transform their failures into successes, their humiliation into victory, their frustrations into happiness. The child is taught to ignore reality and to occupy the parental fantastic space. Such an unfortunate child feels omnipotent and omniscient, perfect and brilliant, worthy of adoration and entitled to special treatment. The faculties that are honed by constantly brushing against bruising reality - empathy, compassion, a realistic assessment of one's abilities and limitations, realistic expectations of oneself and of others, personal boundaries, team work, social skills, perseverance and goal-orientation, not to mention the ability to postpone gratification and to work hard to achieve it - are all lacking or missing altogether. The child turned adult sees no reason to invest in his skills and education, convinced that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for merely being, rather than for actually doing (rather as the nobility in days gone by felt entitled not by virtue of its merit but as the inevitable, foreordained outcome of its birth right). In other words, he is not meritocratic - but aristocratic. In short: a narcissist is born.

But such a mental structure is brittle, susceptible to criticism and disagreement, vulnerable to the incessant encounter with a harsh and intolerant world. Deep inside, narcissists of both kinds (those wrought by "classic" abuse and those yielded by being idolized) - feel inadequate, phoney, fake, inferior, and deserving of punishment. This is Millon's mistake. He makes a distinction between several types of narcissists. He wrongly assumes that the "classic" narcissist is the outcome of overvaluation, idolization, and spoiling and, thus, is possessed of supreme, unchallenged, self confidence, and is devoid of all self-doubt. According to Millon, it is the "compensatory" narcissist that falls prey to nagging self doubts, feelings of inferiority, and a masochistic desire for self-punishment. Yet, the distinction is both wrong and unnecessary. There is only ONE type of narcissist - though there are TWO developmental paths to it. And ALL narcissists are besieged by deeply ingrained (though at times not conscious) feelings of inadequacy, fears of failure, masochistic desires to be penalized, a fluctuating sense of self worth (regulated by narcissistic supply), and an overwhelming sensation of fakeness.

The "grandiosity gap" (between a fantastically grandiose - and unlimited - self-image and actual - limited - accomplishments and achievements) is grating. Its recurrence threatens the precariously balanced house of cards that is the narcissistic personality. The narcissist finds, to his chagrin, that people out there are much less admiring, accommodating and accepting than his parents. As he grows old, the narcissist often become the target of constant derision and mockery, a sorry sight indeed. His claims for superiority appear less plausible and substantial the more and the longer he makes them.

The narcissist then resorts to self-delusion. Unable to completely ignore contrarian opinion and data - he transmutes them. Unable to face the dismal failure that he is, the narcissist partially withdraws from reality. To soothe and salve the pain of disillusionment, he administers to his aching soul a mixture of lies, distortions, half-truths and outlandish interpretations of events around him. These solutions can be classified thus:

The Delusional Narrative Solutions

The narcissist constructs a narrative in which he figures as the hero - brilliant, perfect, irresistibly handsome, destined for great things, entitled, powerful, wealthy, the centre of attention, etc. The bigger the strain on this delusional charade - the greater the gap between fantasy and reality - the more the delusion coalesces and solidifies.

Finally, if it is sufficiently protracted, it replaces reality and the narcissist's reality test deteriorates. He withdraws his bridges and may become Schizotypal, catatonic, or schizoid.

The Reality Renouncing Solutions

The narcissist renounces reality. To his mind, those who pusillanimously fail to recognize his unbound talents, innate superiority, overarching brilliance, benevolent nature, entitlement, cosmically important mission, perfection, etc. - do not deserve consideration. The narcissist's natural affinity with the criminal - his lack of empathy and compassion, his deficient social skills, his disregard for social laws and morals - now erupts and blossoms. He becomes a full fledged antisocial (sociopath or psychopath). He ignores the wishes and needs of others, he breaks the law, he violates all rights - natural and legal, he hold people in contempt and disdain, he derides society and its codes, he punishes the ignorant ingrates - that, to his mind, drove him to this state - by acting criminally and by jeopardising their safety, lives, or property.

The Paranoid Schizoid Solution

The narcissist develops persecutory delusions. He perceives slights and insults where none were intended. He becomes subject to ideas of reference (people are gossiping about him, mocking him, prying into his affairs, cracking his e-mail, etc.). He is convinced that he is the centre of malign and mal-intentioned attention. People are conspiring to humiliate him, punish him, abscond with his property, delude him, impoverish him, confine him physically or intellectually, censor him, impose on his time, force him to action (or to inaction), frighten him, coerce him, surround and besiege him, change his mind, part with his values, even murder him, and so on.

Some narcissists withdraw completely from a world populated with such minacious and ominous objects (really projections of internal objects and processes). They avoid all social contact, except the most necessary. They refrain from meeting people, falling in love, having sex, talking to others, or even corresponding with them. In short: they become schizoids - not out of social shyness, but out of what they feel to be their choice. "The world does not deserve me" - goes the inner refrain - "and I shall waste none of my time and resources on it".

The Paranoid Aggressive (Explosive) Solution

Other narcissists who develop persecutory delusions, resort to an aggressive stance, a more violent resolution of their internal conflict. They become verbally, psychologically, situationally (and, very rarely, physically) abusive. They insult, castigate, chastise, berate, demean, and deride their nearest and dearest (often well wishers and loved ones). They explode in unprovoked displays of indignation, righteousness, condemnation, and blame. Theirs is an exegetic Bedlam. They interpret everything - even the most innocuous, inadvertent, and innocent - as designed to provoke and humiliate them. They sow fear, revulsion, hate, and malignant envy. They flail against the windmills of reality - a pathetic, forlorn, sight. But often they cause real and lasting damage - fortunately, mainly to themselves.

next: The Selfish Gene -The Genetic Underpinnings of Narcissism

The narcissist is the centre of the world. He is not merely the centre of HIS world - as far as he can tell, he is the centre of THE world. This Archimedean delusion is one of the narcissist's most predominant and all-pervasive cognitive distortions. The narcissist feels certain that he is the source of all events around him, the origin of all the emotions of his nearest or dearest, the fount of all knowledge, both the first and the final cause, the beginning as well as the end.

This is understandable.

The narcissist derives his sense of being, his experience of his own existence, and his self worth from the outside. He mines others for narcissistic supply - adulation, attention, reflection, fear. Their reactions stalk his furnace. Absent narcissistic supply - the narcissist disintegrates and self-annihilates. When unnoticed, he feels empty and worthless. The narcissist MUST delude himself into believing that he is persistently the focus and object of the attentions, intentions, plans, feelings, and stratagems of other people. The narcissist faces a stark choice - either be (or become) the permanent centre of the world, or cease to be altogether.

This constant obsession with one's locus, with one's centrality, with one's position as a hub - leads to referential ideation ("ideas of reference"). This is the conviction that one is at the receiving end of other people's behaviours, speech, and even thoughts. The person suffering from delusional ideas of reference is at an imaginary centre of constant attention.

When people talk - the narcissist is convinced that he is the topic of discussion. When they quarrel - he is most probably the cause. When they smirk - he is the victim of their ridicule. If they are unhappy - he made them so. If they are happy - they are egotists for ignoring him. He is convinced that his behaviour is continuously monitored, criticized, compared, dissected, approved of, or imitated by others. He deems himself so indispensable and important, such a critical component of other people's lives, that his every act, his every word, his every omission - is bound to upset, hurt, uplift, or satisfy his audience.

And, to the narcissist, everyone is but an audience. It all emanates from him - and it all reverts to him. The narcissist's is a circular and closed universe. His ideas of reference are a natural extension of his primitive defence mechanisms (omnipotence, omniscience, omnipresence).

Being omnipresent explains why everyone, everywhere is concerned with him. Being omnipotent and omniscient excludes other, lesser, beings from enjoying the admiration, adulation, and attention of people.

Yet, the attrition afforded by years of tormenting ideas of reference inevitably yields paranoiac thinking.

To preserve his egocentric cosmology, the narcissist is compelled to attribute fitting motives and psychological dynamics to others. Such motives and dynamics have little to do with reality. They are PROJECTED by the narcissist UNTO others so as to maintain his personal mythology.

In other words, the narcissist attributes to others HIS OWN motives and psychodynamics. And since narcissists are mostly besieged by transformations of aggression (rage, hatred, envy, fear) - these they often attribute to others as well. Thus, the narcissist tends to interpret other people's behaviour as motivated by anger, fear, hatred, or envy and as directed at him or revolving around him. The narcissist (often erroneously) believes that people discuss him, gossip about him, hate him, defame him, mock him, berate him, underestimate him, envy him, or fear him. He is (often rightly) convinced that he is, to others, the source of hurt, humiliation, impropriety, and indignation. The narcissist "knows" that he is a wonderful, powerful, talented, and entertaining person - but this only explains why people are jealous and why they seek to undermine and destroy him.

Thus, since the narcissist is unable to secure the long term POSITIVE love, admiration, or even attention of his sources of supply - he resorts to a mirror strategy. In other words, the narcissist becomes paranoid. Better to be the object of (often imaginary and always self inflicted) derision, scorn, and bile - than to be ignored. Being envied is preferable to being treated with indifference. If he cannot be loved - the narcissist would rather be feared or hated than forgotten.

next: The Delusional Way Out

• Watch the video on How do Narcissists Experience Holidays

Holiday blues are a common occurrence even among the mentally sound. In me they provoke a particularly virulent strain of pathological envy. I am jealous at others for having a family, or for being able to celebrate lavishly, or for being in the right, festive mood. My cognitive dissonances crumble. I keep telling myself: "look at those inferior imitations of humans, slaves of their animated corpses, wasting their time, pretending to be happy". Yet, deep inside, I know that I am the defective one. I realize that my inability to rejoice is a protracted and unusual punishment meted out to me by my very self. I am sad and enraged. I want to spoil it for those who can. I want them to share my misery, to reduce them to my level of emotional abstinence and absence.

I hate humans because I am unable to be one.

A long time ago, I wrote:

"I hate holidays and birthdays, including my birthday. It is because I hate it when other people are happy if I am not the cause of it. I have to be the prime mover and shaker of EVERYONE's moods. And no one will tell me HOW I should feel. I am my own master. I feel that their happiness is false, fake, forced. I feel that they are hypocrites, dissimulating joy where there is none. I feel envious, humiliated by my envy, and enraged by my humiliation. I feel that they are the recipients of a gift I will never have: the ability to enjoy life and to feel joy.

And then I do my best to destroy their mood: I bring bad news, provoke a fight, make a disparaging remark, project a dire future, sow uncertainty in the relationship, and when the other person is sour and sad, I feel relieved.

It's back to normal. My mood improves dramatically and I try to cheer her up. Now if she does cheer up - it is REAL. It is my doing. I controlled it.

And I controlled HER."

Holidays remind me of my childhood, of the supportive and loving family I never had, of what could have been, and never was, and, as I grow older, I know, will never be. I feel deprived and, coupled with my rampant paranoia, I feel cheated and persecuted. I rail against the indifferent injustice of a faceless, cold world. Holidays are a conspiracy of the emotional haves against the emotional haves not.

Birthdays are an injury, an imposition, a reminder of vulnerability, a fake event artificially construed. I destroy in order to equalize the misery. I rage in order to induce rage. Holidays create in me an abandon of negative, nihilistic emotions, the only ones I consciously possess.

On holidays and on my birthday, I make it a point to carry on routinely.

I accept no gifts, I do not celebrate, I work till the wee hours of the night. It is a demonstrative refusal to participate, a rejection of social norms, an "in your face" statement of withdrawal. It makes me feel unique. It makes me feel even more deprived and punished. It feeds the furnace of hatred, the bestial anger, the all engulfing scorn I harbour. I want to be drawn out of my sulk and pouting - yet, I decline any such offer, evade any such attempt, hurt those who try to make me smile and to forget. In times like that, in holidays and birthdays, I am reminded of this fundamental truth: my voluptuous, virulent, spiteful, hissing and spitting grudge is all I have. Those who threaten to take it away from me - with their love, affection, compassion, or care - are my mortal enemies indeed.

next: Ideas of Reference

Chapter 1: Worshiping Alcohol

I picked up my first drink at age 15. It was April 10, 1990. I remember the date because it was the first day of Spring Break. The concoction was a mixture with vodka from my parent's liquor cabinet. I drank alone in my room late at night.

Although I drank with other people at times, I never had a social drink in my life. I always ended up intoxicated because I thought that since one drink of this "medicine" made me feel good, then two drinks would make me feel better.

I had three ways of obtaining alcohol when I was that young and I would go to any length to get it. One, was my parents supply that they hardly ever used. I would pour the booze out into a glass and fill the bottle back up with water. It wasn't long before all my parent's liquor bottles had nothing but water in them. So, my second method was to ride my bike to my grandmother's house that was seven miles away. This was also a limited supply because she didn't drink often so she also didn't have much alcohol around. My third option was to make my own wine in my basement. This was awful tasting.

I ended up finding older people to purchase alcohol for me at age 16. For the next four years, I would drive people down to the inner-city neighborhoods so they could get their drugs. I would accept cash or alcohol for the "illegal taxi fare." I did this underground taxi business with enthusiasm, for the thrill at first. Later, I did it with anxiety, for the need of alcohol.

When I drank, all the problems I had were gone. It was like I could turn my mind off. All the anxiety, confusion, worry, and nervousness were gone. More powerful, was the fact that when I was drunk, I didn't care that I had no place to fit in among others. Even in groups, I had always felt isolated. However, with the drink, I could be content in my isolation.

I joined high school sports teams later that same year, which I think is why my alcoholism did not progress beyond the weekends during my mid-teens. The active involvement with a group of guys that I could identify with was a healthy alternative to alcohol and it also cured the problems I mentioned above. However, the drinking was still recorded in my mind as a "quick cure" to my issues. Besides, joining the sports involved effort. I actually had to take the time to get to know people and participate.

Years into the future, I remembered the drink was much faster and easier. But at this time, I would only drink on the weekends. I would have fun going out after the local curfew for minors, then running away from the cops when I was drunk. I got a real kick out of the fact that they couldn't catch me. I did some minor mischief but nothing real bad. I drank every single weekend. Looking back, I now realize that King Alcohol was kind of like my religion. I never thought of it this way back then, but I can now see that I worshiped every weekend and I worshiped well. Alcohol became part of my soul. Alcohol became my spirit.

next: Chapter 2: Drunk Feelings were the Only Feelings
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how to have good sex

It's more than giving her an orgasm and performing oral sex on him.

If you want to have good sex, make that great sex, first you need to feel good about yourself. That includes your body and your mind. Then you need to let your partners feel good about themselves.

Now, I know many of you read Cosmo (and don't tell me you don't). You know, the women's magazine with the Top (fill in the number) lists on "How to Please Your Man," "How to Please Yourself," "How to (you name the sex topic)." You can make all the jokes you want, but the one thing we can agree on is those lists get right to the point.

For instance, here are the 10 sizzling secrets of Women Who Love Sex.

1. I can switch on my sex drive.

   Sensually supercharged women don't wait around patiently for the mood to strike. Instead, they set in motion the sex-psyching strategies that work for them every time. They conjure up a fantasy. Another libido-lifting trick is to wake up your senses: Spritz on your man's cologne, brush satiny fabric against your skin, or suck on some fruit. "Taking time to engage each sense - touch, taste, sound, scent, and sight - will quickly kick-start your lust drive.

2. My body is my pleasure palace.

   A desire diva doesn't waste time fretting about stubble and cellulite or wishing she didn't take so long to climax. Instead, she sees herself as a carnal conduit loaded with sensual capabilities. How did these chicks become so aware of their pleasure points? Chances are, they'll credit masturbation.

1. I know I'm a sex goddess.

   Long ago, I learned that men are turned on by a woman who is uninhibited about her sexuality. My current beau would rather date a confident woman with an imperfect figure than a 36-24-36 chick who's too timid to show her shape.

   The tricky thing about sexual confidence, as any carnal cowgirl will admit, is that you need a little to begin with before it can blossom into a natural part of your passion personality. So how do you start? "Fake it at first - that's what I did," admits Bari, a 25-year-old designer. "My now-boyfriend was a coworker of mine whom I had a massive crush on. So I mentally made over my attitude from mousy staffer to office tramp, asked him out for a beer, and let my inner sex goddess loose. Six months of incredible action later, I still haven't reined in that attitude."

2. I speak up for myself in the sack.

   Men love to please. But even the most perceptive guy in the world won't have your moan zones all mapped out. Tell your partners how you like to be touched.

   If you're not used to being so erotically expressive, clue in your man by praising his sexual performance. Compliment him on what he does do well, then add a subtle suggestion: "It turns me on so much when you kiss my breasts, I'd go wild if you put your hand between my legs too."

3. It's not if I have an orgasm - it's how.

   Women who ooze erotic energy don't view their Big O as a lucky bonus. Instead, reaching the pleasure pinnacle is their right. Men don't consider it sex unless they have an orgasm.

   "I wish every woman would tattoo I deserve great sex on her brain," says Gina Ogden, Ph.D., author of Women Who Love Sex. "Sexual satisfaction is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don't expect to be peeled off the ceiling, it won't happen." So start believing that every-time orgasms aren't elusive rewards reserved for select women - they're yours for the taking.

4. I've mastered one signature sex move.

   Mastering at least one unique, naughty-but-nice move can morph you from a hot-and-heavy lover to holy moly! sex-partner status. But you don't have to focus on his G-rated hot spots alone or a specific sexual act. Your signature style can be about invoking an entire mood: sweetly simple, daring and dirty, or pushing the erotic envelope.

5. I get to know his secret desires.

   Sexually charged chiquitas know that ecstasy is much more exciting when you skip the paint-by-numbers passion plan. There's nothing hotter than getting to know your partner and finding out which unique moves get him going. He'll be blown away by having a willing woman explore his secret desires.

   Taking the time to experiment with new caresses and positions won't just make your guy grovel, it'll expand your idea of what's sexy.

6. I never let sex get stale.

   As soon as sex loses its erotic edge, the "in-the-know babes" have to take fast action. They'll view steamy videos, try a sex toy, leaf through triple-X magazines, act out a secret fantasy, make love in a different location, or test-drive a scorching new position - almost anything in the pursuit of greater pleasure with their partner. To keep the heat in your relationship on high, vow to sample something naughty yet new at least once a week: Surprise your guy by doing the deed in the shower, read erotic books, or duck away from a party into an empty bedroom for a mischievous quickie.

7. I'm passionate 24-7.

   Sexuality is a round-the-clock activity, not an isolated act you do in 20-minute stretches. "Great lovers integrate desire into everything they do so they feel sensuous all day long," says Susan Crain Bakos, author of Sexational Secrets: Erotic Advice Your Mother Never Gave You.

8. Sex is at the top of my to-do list.

   Girls who love sex never make those tired, same-old excuses - "I got my period"; "I had a stressful day"; "I feel sooo fat" - for why they can't hit the sheets. Instead, passion is number one on their to-do lists, and they know that erotic action is the best cure for cramps, stress, and the blues. "Once you put off pleasure, it becomes easier and easier to postpone, and pretty soon you're out of the habit," explains Bakos. "It can be hard to get back in the sexual swing of things once your sensual switches have been turned off."

   So even if you're not wildly turned on, you'll be doing yourself a favor by slipping into a sensuous state of mind.

Notice that almost everything on that list has to do with what's going on inside your head.

From here, you can either go to the table of contents for this "How to Have Good Sex" section and read whatever you are interested in, or you can find out the Secret to Good Sex?

next: Secret to Good Sex?

How ancient traditions and rituals serve as pathways to connectedness, healing, celebration and growth.

The word had been spread among the people. Many of us could feel the energy stirring within ourselves, and when we happen to meet on the paths or in our common buildings, that energy could be felt to leap as a spirit from one person to another, commingling, uniting now into something greater and more beautiful than any part alone. With each conversation, each caress of eye contact, the feeling was shared; it's time that we met in ceremony.

As a community, we are collectively aware of our chosen lifestyle as reflecting the lifestyle of our ancestors. It is a village feeling, our own tribal ethos building here as we share our evening meal in our dining hall, as we share the joy and responsibility in caring for the children of the community, and even as we take leave of one from another, dispersing to our private concerns. We are a people of the earth, a people of the moon and of the stars, who know that by our wish we can see the power in our desire and intention create the world of our choice.

As twilight fell, the many stars and our smaller number of people came out together, and our slow and careful streaming through the fields and down the path to the river was mirrored in the streaming of the stars along the Milky Way, across the sky and down to the horizon. The fireflies in the river field were as beacons, flashing light in the darkness, leading to the wooded hillside where the ceremonial fire was visible, flickering its light between the shadows of tree and of human silhouette.

Our soft tone of voice and careful movements around the fire reflected our respect and reverence for the tradition we were living. As spiritual beings we are more than our physical forms, we are part of the whole of the universe. We are tree and flower, bird and fish. We are the flowing of river, and blowing of wind. We are the crackle of fire and the silence of darkness; and in this knowing, our actions and lifestyle begin to affirm our feeling of connectedness to the natural world.

This ceremony is both a celebration of our place as the crown of creation, and a ritual observance of our comparative insignificance in the universe. At the same time, we recognize our community and our smaller gathering around the fire as being symbolic of the circle of life and of all of the cycles in the universe. We are the world; we are the universe.

Quietly, with clothing lain aside, our circle slowly files into the sweat lodge, each blessing our relations to all the families of life and of non-living forms. Within we converse in hushed voices until the stones from the fire are brought in through a special opening in the lodge. The red glowing stones, piled together in the center, faintly illuminate the faces of the people, each now sampling, then savoring the sweet aroma of sage sprinkled upon the stones, the incense serving as a cleansing agent, dispelling all negative and ill-seeking spirits. When the water is sprinkled upon the stones our spirits rise in the same manner as the steam, over and around us, building upon itself. Around the circle each person shares in ceremonial sincerity that which is most important to them in their life: our thoughts, beliefs, feelings, emotions.

More water, more heat and steam, greater passion and emotion, rising, swirling, expanding! Some of us crouch closer to the ground to escape the worst of the almost unbearable heat. Now, in the darkness one of us calls for spirit yells, beginning low and rising, louder and with greater force, each person gives voice to the purifying process of the steam heat upon our physical bodies, and of the spiritual cleansing within our minds and hearts. Wildly expressing the depth of our feeling and being we are as close as a people can be to the ancestral tribal heritage that this ceremony evokes. As the stones cool, so also does our energy. We emerge, again blessing all of our relations, some of us to lie upon the bare ground, feeling its coolness, others diving into the river, then together we reenter the sweat lodge.

Four sessions we experience in the sweat. Sharing first our prayers for ourselves, each other, our families, our fellow community members, and for all of the peoples of the Earth. During the second session, we share our prayers for all of the other animals with whom we share this planet. In the third session, we pray for the plants which channel energy from the sun, and the gases of the air and the minerals from the earth, many species of which we use to support our existence. Finally, in the fourth sweat, we share our blessings for the rocks and water that comprise our planet itself, and for all the celestial bodies of the universe. Suffering and sharing together in this ceremonial ritual we are one with our ancestors, with each other, and with the world around us.

Now with the rising sun shining through the trees, we walk in line along the path through the valley mist, up through the fields and to the awakening community; some to postpone sleep to engage in the morning activities of this culture we are creating. Combining elements of our modern world with aspects of the ancient traditions, we are living the life of our collective choice.

Afterword:

This sweat lodge ceremony took place the night of August 16, 1987, the eve of the Harmonic Convergence, by a small group of us at Twin Oaks Community. Our observance of this date was in recognition of its prophetic significance to the Mayan and Aztec calendar systems, which measure different cycles of time, both ending on that date. The Mayan Quetzalkoatl prophesied that a time of peace would follow, and either by coincidence or by fate, the Cold War ended soon after.

According to the Aztec calendar and its Sixth Sun Cycle, the Sun of Spiritual Consciousness, we are now in the midst of a 25 year transition period or "return movement," to end in the year 2012 AD. Various people suggest that the significant events of this date may be yet another expectation of the second advent of Jesus Christ, the dawning of a solar age, the establishment of a cosmic consciousness via a "mental re-polarization" among humanity, and the entrance of humanity into the galactic civilization. What ever happens, it will be another good time to meet in ceremony.

About the author:Allen Butcher is a prolific writer about intentional communities. He may be best known for his in-depth analyses, which have included some interesting visualizations for understanding Intentional Communities on several different dimensions. In the early '80s, Allen was a board member of the New Destiny Food Cooperative Federation and New Life Farm. Allen now lives in Denver, Colorado.

next:A BirthQuake Story

New Study Finds Many Can't Leave Their Computers

Simply by finding this story you may be showing symptoms of what a new British report warns is a worldwide plague.

We've all heard the stories of people hunched over their computers late at night looking for nuggets of information filed in some faraway database but so easily accessible through the Internet.

The report says late-night hacking not only has people going off to work tired and bleary-eyed but also that the plague has spread to the office.

More than a thousand managers surveyed in the United States, Britain, Europe and the Far East indicate the cyberworld is producing a growing number of dataholics.

Half Surveyed Know Internet 'Addicts'

Half those questioned said that if information was a recognized drug, they knew an addict. More than three-quarters said they believed that acquiring information can be addictive.

"People are always a bit nervous they are missing something. You know, there's a bit of information just around the corner," said Paul Waddington, who helped to write the report. "Maybe there's something they haven't seen that they should have seen. And I think that creates this information craving,"

One anonymous addict says whole days at the office can disappear in the search for some supposedly vital bit of business intelligence.

"In some cases," he said, "the whole time up to lunch time is spent hunting through information, reading up on information, you know the magazines, the trade journals, sites on the Internet, e-mails and then in the afternoon you sort of get on with work."

Hooked Up, Then Pulled Plug

One company that might have known better ran into productivity problems when it hooked employees to the Net. Sequent Computer Systems manager Marcos Gonzalez-Flower said productivity dropped because employees spent so much time finding interesting but relatively useless information.

"People would come in and the first thing in the morning, the first thing they'd do is actually look up the share price, which was great...understanding where we are financially is brilliant," he said. "But they very quickly realized that if they spent all day looking at what was happening with the company and not actually doing anything to support it, it wouldn't help the company grow."

The report, which was commissioned by the Reuters news and information service, says one symptom of the problem is Internet addicts spend so much time gathering information they don't have the time to do anything with the facts they've found.

But that's enough information from this story. Who knows how much you've missed while you were reading it?

Source: ABC News

next:  Internet Addiction: Is it just this month's hand-wringer for worrywarts, or a genuine problem?
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