"One of the core characteristics of this disease of Codependence is intellectual polarization - black and white thinking. Rigid extremes - good or bad, right or wrong, love it or leave it, one or ten. Codependence does not allow any gray area - only black and white extremes.

Life is not black and white. Life involves the interplay of black and white. In other words, the gray area is where life takes place. A big part of the healing process is learning the numbers two through nine - recognizing that life is not black and white".

The "stinking thinking" of Codependency causes us to have a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves and others. These are some traits of that stinking thinking:

1. Black and White Thinking:

The disease comes from an absolute black and white, right/wrong, always and never perspective. "I will always be alone". "I never get a break". Any negative thing that happens gets turned into a sweeping generality.

2. Negative Focus:

The disease always wants to focus on the half of the glass that is empty and lament, rather than be grateful for what we have. Even if the glass is 7/8 ths full the disease can find some negative to focus on. (On the other extreme are some people who focus only on the good as a way of denying their feelings.)

3. Magical Thinking:

Mind reading, fortune telling, assuming - we think we can read other peoples minds and feelings, or foretell the future, and then act as if what we assume is the reality. We often create self-fulfilling prophecies this way.

4. Starring in the Soap Opera:

Blowing things out of proportion, playing the "King or Queen of tragedy". Some of us are addicted to "Trauma Dramas" and want the excitement and intensity of dramatic scenes while others of us are terrified of conflict. It is quite common in codependent relationships to have one person who is over-indulgent and dramatic emotionally coupled with someone who wants to avoid conflict and emotions at all costs.

5. Self-Discount:

Inability to receive, or to admit to our own positive qualities or accomplishments. When someone gives us a compliment we minimize it ("Oh it was nothing"), make a joke out of it, or just ignore the compliment by changing the subject or turning the compliment back on the other person.

6. Emotional Reasoning:

Reasoning from feelings. "I feel like a failure therefore I am a failure". Believing that what we feel is who we are without separating the inner child's feelings about what happened a long time ago from the adults feelings in the now.

7. Shoulds:

"Shoulds", "must", "ought to" and "have to" come from a parent or authority figure. "Should" means "I don't want to but they are making me". Adults don't have shoulds - adults have choices.

8. Self-Labeling:

Identifying with our shortcomings and mistakes, with our human imperfection, and calling ourself names like "stupid", "loser", "jerk" or "fool" instead of accepting our humanity and learning from any mistakes or shortcomings.

9. Personalizing and Blame:

Blaming yourself for something you weren't entirely responsible for, or for how someone else feels. Conversely, you may blame other people, external events, or fate, while overlooking how your own attitudes and behavior may have contributed to a problem.

As children we learned to blame others to keep from feeling the shame of being blamed. As adults we swing between blaming and self-blame - neither is the Truth. The answers lie in the gray area, in 2 through 9, not in the extremes.

The Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body.

You may like or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons.

You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.

Growth is a process of trial and error experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works"!

4. A lesson is repeated until learned.

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end.

There is not part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here".

When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here"

7. Others are merely mirrors for you.

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you.

You have all the tools and resources you need, what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you.

The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this!

Source Unknown

Risking

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk.
To Love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

But, risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all.
The person who risks nothing still does not avoid suffering and sorrow because suffering and sorrow are an unavoidable part of life.

What they avoid by not taking risks it the opportunity to learn, feel, change, grow, Love, live.

Chained by their certitudes, they are a slave. The have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free.

Source Unknown

next: Emotional Release Techniques - Deep Grieving

Chapter 55 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

DO YOU SOMETIMES feel tired? Listless? It might be boredom. Some tasks are just plain boring, and when your mind is bored, it starts shutting down or drifting off and going to sleep. To stay awake, you must engage your mind. Here are a couple of ideas to help you:

Move faster.
This makes your mind pay closer attention in order to avoid mistakes. This demand for increased attention wakes you up, focuses your mind and makes the task more challenging. You can speed up without feeling unpleasantly stressed: Make it like a game. How much can you get done in the next half hour? Set a target and see if you can reach it. This makes a tedious task less boring and, as a bonus, frees up more time for things you like to do.

Listen to something.
Everyone knows it's more fun to do physical work while listening to good music than it is working in silence. Music engages your mind to some degree. But there is something that engages your mind more completely: talking. There has been a virtual explosion in the publishing industry of books and seminars on audiotape. Many people who commute to work have converted that boring and otherwise unproductive time into a mind-engaging education. The amount of material available on tape is staggering. In the next few years, using only the time you spend driving and doing household chores, you can learn a foreign language, listen to countless great books read to you by the best readers in America, and transform boring routines into an opportunity to expand your mind.
There's another kind of value to tapes. Often it doesn't matter what you have learned. Even if you could recite it, some practical knowledge matters only if you have it in mind. Ideas about human relations are like that. I have pretty much memorized the principles in Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends and Influence People, but when I am face-to-face with a real human being, I often forget it all. It isn't fresh in my mind - it's stored away somewhere. For this kind of knowledge, it's better to listen to a little every day. Then the ideas will be in the front of your mind when you need them.

USE THESE two ideas to make boring tasks more interesting to your mind. Move faster, listen to something, or both. A mind is truly a terrible thing to waste. Brains are made to be constantly interested. Brains aren't like muscles; muscles get tired when they are used too much. Brains get tired when they aren't used enough. Brains not only get tired, but over time, they can become smaller and more feeble.

Research is now showing that it is a myth that people lose their mental ability with age. What they have found is that people who don't continue to use their mental abilities - people who don't continue to learn and grow - lose their mental ability with age. Learning and growing is for everyone, young and old alike. Even during a boring task, you can find a way to engage your mind.

During a dull task, move faster or listen to something.

Here's a technique to use when you're having a hard time accomplishing your goals because other people seem to interfere with you.
Use What You Get

Scientists have found out some interesting facts about happiness. And much of your happiness is under your influence.

Science of Happiness

Find peace of mind, tranquility in body, and clarity of purpose with this simple method.
Constitutional Right

The questions you ask direct your mind. Asking the right kind of questions makes a big difference.
Why Ask Why?

A simple change in perspective can make you feel better and can also make you more effective at dealing with the situation. Here's one way to change your perspective.
Adventure

What if maximizing your full potential was bad for you?
Be All You Can Be

This is a simple technique for reducing a little of the stress you feel day to day. Its biggest advantage is youcan use it while you work.
Rx to Relax

next: "I Don't Know What to Do With My Life"

This depaisartment provides instructional materials to equip parents with the knowledge and skills to enable them to re healthy, happy and productive children and teens. These materials provide comprehensive information as well as very practical suggestions for all areas of parenting.

Anger Control

Everyone experiences anger but if you get angry frequently and it seems uncontrollable, this tape is for you. You can learn to express your thoughts and feelings while remaining calm and totally in control of yourself and the situation. It will do wonders for your relationships and your peace of mind. This program is excellent for teens and adults.

Buy the Anger Control Audio Tapes when you click here.

Kid Cooperation: How to Stop Yelling, Nagging, and Pleading and Get Kids to Cooperate

There really is a way to talk so that kids will listen. This is an empowering work, filled with practical skills that will help end sibling fights, boost children's self-esteem, and let parents handle discipline with understanding and authority. This book offers workable tools for remaining calm and in control while raising happy, self-disciplined children. Based on years of research, this empowering book hones practical, sound, and easy-to-use strategies to help you to: (1) Teach your kids to cooperate; (2) Avoid punishment and handle discipline with knowledge and authority; (3) Build your children's self-esteem; (4) Nurture sibling relationships; (5) Take care of yourself and your other relationships. Kid Cooperation will help you to get a handle on your frustrations and be the kind of parent your child deserves. 208 pages.

Buy Kid Cooperation when you click here.

Progressive Relaxation and Breathing

Being a parent can be highly stressful at times. Learning to relax and remain relaxed throughout the day is an extremely important coping skill to master. The ability to be relaxed under trying circumstances leads to improved self-control and coping ability. Relaxation can provide peace of mind, restful sleep, increased energy and thinking power. This tape provides detailed instruction and practice in the two most recommended forms of relaxation training.Being a parent can be highly stressful at times. Learning to relax and remain relaxed throughout the day is an extremely important coping skill to master. The ability to be relaxed under trying circumstances leads to improved self-control and coping ability. Relaxation can provide peace of mind, restful sleep, increased energy and thinking power. This tape provides detailed instruction and practice in the two most recommended forms of relaxation training. Being a parent can be highly stressful at times. Learning to relax and remain relaxed throughout the day is an extremely important coping skill to master. The ability to be relaxed under trying circumstances leads to improved self-control and coping ability. Relaxation can provide peace of mind, restful sleep, increased energy and thinking power. This tape provides detailed instruction and practice in the two most recommended forms of relaxation training.

Buy Total Relaxation when you click here.

SOS For Parents

A practical and comprehensive book for effectively handling common everyday behavior problems. This book provides useful tools and then provides detailed examples on how to apply them to a wide range of behavior problems encountered by parents of children and young teens. This book is extensively recommended by parent educators and health professionals. It is the most practical book available to help parents raise healthy, happy, successful kids.

Buy SOS: Help for Parents when you click here.

next: Phonics Information
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• Watch the video on The Narcissist and his Relationship with God

God is everything the narcissist ever wants to be: omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, admired, much discussed, and awe inspiring. God is the narcissist's wet dream, his ultimate grandiose fantasy. But God comes handy in other ways as well.

The narcissist alternately idealizes and devalues figures of authority.

In the idealization phase, he strives to emulate them, he admires them, imitate them (often ludicrously), and defends them. They cannot go wrong, or be wrong. The narcissist regards them as bigger than life, infallible, perfect, whole, and brilliant. But as the narcissist's unrealistic and inflated expectations are inevitably frustrated, he begins to devalue his former idols.

Now they are "human" (to the narcissist, a derogatory term). They are small, fragile, error-prone, pusillanimous, mean, dumb, and mediocre. The narcissist goes through the same cycle in his relationship with God, the quintessential authority figure.

But often, even when disillusionment and iconoclastic despair have set in - the narcissist continues to pretend to love God and follow Him. The narcissist maintains this deception because his continued proximity to God confers on him authority. Priests, leaders of the congregation, preachers, evangelists, cultists, politicians, intellectuals - all derive authority from their allegedly privileged relationship with God.

Religious authority allows the narcissist to indulge his sadistic urges and to exercise his misogynism freely and openly. Such a narcissist is likely to taunt and torment his followers, hector and chastise them, humiliate and berate them, abuse them spiritually, or even sexually. The narcissist whose source of authority is religious is looking for obedient and unquestioning slaves upon whom to exercise his capricious and wicked mastery. The narcissist transforms even the most innocuous and pure religious sentiments into a cultish ritual and a virulent hierarchy. He prays on the gullible. His flock become his hostages.

Religious authority also secures the narcissist's narcissistic supply. His coreligionists, members of his congregation, his parish, his constituency, his audience - are transformed into loyal and stable sources of narcissistic supply. They obey his commands, heed his admonitions, follow his creed, admire his personality, applaud his personal traits, satisfy his needs (sometimes even his carnal desires), revere and idolize him.

Moreover, being a part of a "bigger thing" is very gratifying narcissistically. Being a particle of God, being immersed in His grandeur, experiencing His power and blessings first hand, communing with him - are all sources of unending narcissistic supply. The narcissist becomes God by observing His commandments, following His instructions, loving Him, obeying Him, succumbing to Him, merging with Him, communicating with Him - or even by defying him (the bigger the narcissist's enemy - the more grandiosely important the narcissist feels).

Like everything else in the narcissist's life, he mutates God into a kind of Inverted Narcissist. God becomes his dominant source of supply. He forms a personal relationship with this overwhelming and overpowering entity - in order to overwhelm and overpower others. He becomes God vicariously, by the proxy of his relationship with Him. He idealizes God, then devalues Him, then abuses him. This is the classic narcissistic pattern and even God himself cannot escape it.

next: The Opaque Mirror

When I have money, I can exercise my sadistic urges freely and with little fear of repercussions. Money shields me from life itself, from the outcomes of my actions, it insulates me warmly and safely, like a benevolent blanket, like a mother's good night kiss. Yes, money is undoubtedly a love substitute. And it allows me to be my ugly, corrupt, and dilapidated self. Money buys me absolution and my own friendship, forgiveness, and acceptance. With money in the bank, I feel at ease with myself, free, arrogantly soaring supreme above the contemptible masses.

I can always find people poorer than I, a cause for great disdain and bumptiousness on my part.

I rarely use money to buy, corrupt, and intimidate. I wear 15 year old tattered clothes, I have no car, no house, no property. It is so even when I am wealthy. Money has nothing to do with my physical needs or with my social interactions. I never deploy it to acquire status, or to impress others. I hide it, hoard it, accumulate it and, like the proverbial miser, count it daily and in the dark. It is my licence to sin, my narcissistic permit, a promise and its fulfillment all at once. It unleashes the beast in me and, with abandon, encourages it - nay, seduces it - to be itself.

I am not tight-fisted. I spend money on restaurants and trips abroad and books and health products. I buy gifts (though reluctantly). I speculate and have lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in wanton gambling in the stock exchanges. I am insatiable, always want more, always lose the little that I have. But I do all this not for the love of money, for I do not use it to gratify my self or to cater to my needs. No, I do not crave money, nor care for it. I need the power that it bestows on me to dare, to flare, to conquer, to oppose, to resist, to taunt, and to torment.

In all my relationships, I am either the vanquished or the vanquisher, either the haughty master, or his abject slave, either the dominant, or the recessive. I interact along the up-down axis, rather than along the left-right one. My world is rigidly hierarchical and abusively stratified. When submissive, I am contemptibly so. When domineering, I am contemptuously so. My life is a pendulum swinging between oppressed and oppressor.

To subjugate another, one must be capricious, unscrupulous, ruthless, obsessive, hateful, vindictive, and penetrating. One must spot the cracks of vulnerability, the crumbling foundations of susceptibility, the pains, the trigger mechanisms, the Pavlovian reactions of hate, and fear, and hope, and anger. Money liberates my mind. It endows it with the tranquility, detachment, and incisiveness of a natural scientist. With my mind free of the quotidian, I can concentrate on attaining the desired position - on top, dreaded, derided, avoided - yet obeyed and deferred to. I then proceed with cool disinterest to unscramble the human jigsaw puzzles, to manipulate their parts, to enjoy their writhing as I expose their petty misbehaviors, harp on their failures, compare them to their betters, and mock their incompetence, hypocrisy, and cupidity. Oh, I disguise it in socially acceptable cloak - only to draw the dagger. I cast myself in the role of a brave, incorruptible iconoclast, a fighter for social justice, for a better future, for more efficiency, for good causes. But it is all about my sadistic urges, really. It is all about death, not life.

Still, antagonizing and alienating my potential benefactors is a pleasure that I cannot afford on an empty purse. When impoverished, I am altruism embodied - the best of friends, the most caring of tutors, a benevolent guide, a lover of humanity, and a fierce fighter against narcissism, sadism, and abuse in all their myriad forms. I adhere, I obey, I succumb, I agree wholeheartedly, I praise, condone, idolize, and applaud. I am the perfect audience, an admirer and an adulator, a worm and an amoeba - spineless, adaptable in form, slithery flexibility itself. To behave so is unbearable for a narcissist, hence my addiction to money (really, to freedom) in all its forms. It is my evolutionary ladder from slime to the sublime - to mastery.

next: For the Love of God

• Watch the video on Narcissism and Genetic

Is pathological narcissism the outcome of inherited traits - or the sad result of abusive and traumatizing upbringing? Or, maybe it is the confluence of both? It is a common occurrence, after all, that, in the same family, with the same set of parents and an identical emotional environment - some siblings grow to be malignant narcissists, while others are perfectly "normal". Surely, this indicates a predisposition of some people to developing narcissism, a part of one's genetic heritage.

This vigorous debate may be the offshoot of obfuscating semantics.

When we are born, we are not much more than the sum of our genes and their manifestations. Our brain - a physical object - is the residence of mental health and its disorders. Mental illness cannot be explained without resorting to the body and, especially, to the brain. And our brain cannot be contemplated without considering our genes. Thus, any explanation of our mental life that leaves out our hereditary makeup and our neurophysiology is lacking. Such lacking theories are nothing but literary narratives. Psychoanalysis, for instance, is often accused of being divorced from corporeal reality.

Our genetic baggage makes us resemble a personal computer. We are an all-purpose, universal, machine. Subject to the right programming (conditioning, socialization, education, upbringing) - we can turn out to be anything and everything. A computer can imitate any other kind of discrete machine, given the right software. It can play music, screen movies, calculate, print, paint. Compare this to a television set - it is constructed and expected to do one, and only one, thing. It has a single purpose and a unitary function. We, humans, are more like computers than like television sets.

True, single genes rarely account for any behaviour or trait. An array of coordinated genes is required to explain even the minutest human phenomenon. "Discoveries" of a "gambling gene" here and an "aggression gene" there are derided by the more serious and less publicity-prone scholars. Yet, it would seem that even complex behaviours such as risk taking, reckless driving, and compulsive shopping have genetic underpinnings.

What about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

It would seem reasonable to assume - though, at this stage, there is not a shred of proof - that the narcissist is born with a propensity to develop narcissistic defences. These are triggered by abuse or trauma during the formative years in infancy or during early adolescence. By "abuse" I am referring to a spectrum of behaviours which objectifies the child and treats it as an extension of the caregiver (parent) or an instrument. Dotting and smothering are as much abuse as beating and starving. And abuse can be dished out by peers as well as by adult role models.

Still, I would have to attribute the development of NPD mostly to nurture. The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an extremely complex battery of phenomena: behaviour patterns, cognitions, emotions, conditioning, and so on. NPD is a PERSONALITY disordered and even the most ardent proponents of the school of genetics do not attribute the development of the whole personality to genes.

From "The Interrupted Self":

"Organic" and "mental" disorders (a dubious distinction at best) have many characteristics in common (confabulation, antisocial behaviour, emotional absence or flatness, indifference, psychotic episodes and so on)."

From "On Dis-ease":

"Moreover, the distinction between the psychic and the physical is hotly disputed, philosophically. The psychophysical problem is as intractable today as it ever was (if not more so). It is beyond doubt that the physical affects the mental and the other way around. This is what disciplines like psychiatry are all about. The ability to control "autonomous" bodily functions (such as heartbeat) and mental reactions to pathogens of the brain are proof of the artificialness of this distinction.

It is a result of the reductionist view of nature as divisible and summable. The sum of the parts, alas, is not always the whole and there is no such thing as an infinite set of the rules of nature, only an asymptotic approximation of it. The distinction between the patient and the outside world is superfluous and wrong. The patient AND his environment are ONE and the same. Disease is a perturbation in the operation and management of the complex ecosystem known as patient-world. Humans absorb their environment and feed it in equal measures. This on-going interaction IS the patient. We cannot exist without the intake of water, air, visual stimuli and food. Our environment is defined by our actions and output, physical and mental.

Thus, one must question the classical differentiation between "internal" and "external". Some illnesses are considered "endogenic" (=generated from the inside). Natural, "internal", causes - a heart defect, a biochemical imbalance, a genetic mutation, a metabolic process gone awry - cause disease. Aging and deformities also belong in this category.

In contrast, problems of nurturance and environment - early childhood abuse, for instance, or malnutrition - are "external" and so are the "classical" pathogens (germs and viruses) and accidents.

But this, again, is a counter-productive approach. Exogenic and Endogenic pathogenesis is inseparable. Mental states increase or decrease the susceptibility to externally induced disease. Talk therapy or abuse (external events) alter the biochemical balance of the brain.

The inside constantly interacts with the outside and is so intertwined with it that all distinctions between them are artificial and misleading. The best example is, of course, medication: it is an external agent, it influences internal processes and it has a very strong mental correlate (=its efficacy is influenced by mental factors as in the placebo effect).

The very nature of dysfunction and sickness is highly culture-dependent.

Societal parameters dictate right and wrong in health (especially mental health). It is all a matter of statistics. Certain diseases are accepted in certain parts of the world as a fact of life or even a sign of distinction (e.g., the paranoid schizophrenic as chosen by the gods). If there is no dis-ease there is no disease. That the physical or mental state of a person CAN be different - does not imply that it MUST be different or even that it is desirable that it should be different. In an over- populated world, sterility might be the desirable thing - or even the occasional epidemic. There is no such thing as ABSOLUTE dysfunction. The body and the mind ALWAYS function. They adapt themselves to their environment and if the latter changes - they change.

Personality disorders are the best possible responses to abuse. Cancer may be the best possible response to carcinogens. Aging and death are definitely the best possible response to over-population. Perhaps the point of view of the single patient is incommensurate with the point of view of his species - but this should not serve to obscure the issues and derail rational debate.

As a result, it is logical to introduce the notion of "positive aberration". Certain hyper- or hypo- functioning can yield positive results and prove to be adaptive. The difference between positive and negative aberrations can never be "objective". Nature is morally-neutral and embodies no "values" or "preferences". It simply exists. WE, humans, introduce our value systems, prejudices and priorities into our activities, science included. It is better to be healthy, we say, because we feel better when we are healthy. Circularity aside - this is the only criterion that we can reasonably employ. If the patient feels good - it is not a disease, even if we all think it is. If the patient feels bad, ego-dystonic, unable to function - it is a disease, even when we all think it isn't. Needless to say that I am referring to that mythical creature, the fully informed patient. If someone is sick and knows no better (has never been healthy) - then his decision should be respected only after he is given the chance to experience health.

All the attempts to introduce "objective" yardsticks of health are plagued and philosophically contaminated by the insertion of values, preferences and priorities into the formula - or by subjecting the formula to them altogether. One such attempt is to define health as "an increase in order or efficiency of processes" as contrasted with illness which is "a decrease in order (=increase of entropy) and in the efficiency of processes". While being factually disputable, this dyad also suffers from a series of implicit value-judgements. For instance, why should we prefer life over death? Order to entropy? Efficiency to inefficiency?"

next: The Silver Pieces of the Narcissist

sexual fantasies

"Sexual fantasizing is a natural, universal psychological phenomenon similar to dreaming," says Wendy Maltz M.S.W. coauthor with Suzie Boss of the newly released book, Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies. "And, like with dreams, some sexual fantasies are fun and satisfying, while others may trouble us a lot." Maltz, a sexual health expert, encourages women and men to learn more about sexual fantasies. "The more you know about sexual fantasies, the more options you have about what types of sexual fantasies you entertain," says Maltz. "Fantasies that improve self-esteem and intimacy with a partner are usually the most desirable."

Private Thoughts is the first book to take an in-depth look at sexual fantasizing, exploring such topics as, where sexual fantasies come from, how they function, what they mean, and what to do when they are causing problems. Maltz and Boss also explain the differences between male and female fantasies. This book is filled with stories shared by the more than 100 women Wendy Maltz and Suzie Boss personally interviewed. The women vary widely in age, race, sexual history, and lifestyle, so nearly every reader should find some stories that resonate.

The groundbreaking research behind Private Thoughts shows that women experience an amazing range of fantasies, involving everything from sensuous horseback rides to tantalizing chocolate eclairs to erotic encounters with sexy aliens who arrive via spaceship. And women use sexual fantasy in some very clever ways to make themselves feel sexier, reach orgasm, safely satisfy their curiosity, and even relax. "Fantasy is like lavendar bath salts," confided a woman in midlife, "a little something special I do just for myself to help me unwind."

When life presents changes or challenges, we can also draw on sexual fantasy for help. Private Thoughts shares stories from women who have used their imagination to help rebuild sexual desire and enhance self-esteem after a mastectomy or other physical loss, for instance.

One of the most poignant examples of the healing power of sexual fantasy is shared by a woman identified as Georgine in Private Thoughts. Recovering from a car accident that left her paralyzed from the waist down, Georgine used fantasy to get back in touch with her sexual thoughts and feelings. She gave her imagination free reign while lying in tanning beds. Under the lights, I'd feel warm all over. I'd kind of drift into these explicit fantasies. At first, they involved sensations that helped me relax. I remembered how it used to feel to lie in the warm sun and feel cool blades of grass against my bare skin. Gradually, I began to respond sexually. I would lubricate. Then, I started creating the same feelings by imagining myself with a partner." When she would have a particularly vivid fantasy, Georgine said, "I literally felt the heat from my imaginary lover's body." Since she has embraced her fantasy life, she has been reminded of how much she enjoys sensual, sexual energy, and how much pleasure awaits within her own erotic imagination.

People who are confused about whether their sexual fantasies are good or bad for them will find answers in Private Thoughts. Maltz provides a list of nine questions a person can ask themselves to help evaluate whether, and to what extent, a particular fantasy may be causing problems:

• Does the fantasy lead to risky or dangerous behavior?
• Does the fantasy feel out of control or compulsive?
• Is the content of the fantasy disturbing or repulsive?
• Does the fantasy hinder recovery or personal growth?
• Does the fantasy lower my self-esteem or block self-acceptance?
• Does the fantasy distance me from my real-life partner?
• Does the fantasy harm my intimate partner or anyone else?
• Does the fantasy cause sexual problems?
• Does the fantasy really belong to someone else?

Drawing on Maltz's extensive background in sexual healing, the book devotes a chapter to healing unwanted or troubling fantasies that may be the result of sexual abuse or unresolved psychological issues. Maltz also shares guidelines for exploring fantasies with an intimate partner in a way that will enhance, rather than harm, a relationship. The book concludes with a delightful chapter on creating favorite fantasies, and the reminder, as we know ourselves better, we become more free to celebrate our natural erotic rhythms with whatever thoughts quicken our pulses and please our hearts.

What kind of fantasies can be dangerous? They're called "distancing fantasies."

next: Sexual Fantasies - Are They Dangerous? or browse the table of contents of the Sexual Fantasies section

sexual health

Sexuality is a beautiful expression of love. It is an intimate, sacred communion between two people. When experienced with an open heart, it can transcend the limitation of physical reality and allow one to soar into the octaves of ecstasy, wonder and awe; it can fill our very being with peace and contentment and it can expand our capacity to Love.

However, for eons of time, sex has been used to manipulate, dominate, oppress and control people. It has fallen to the depths of abuse and degradation. As this condition developed, the religions of the world began to distance themselves from this physical experience. In order to encourage their followers to do the same, they initiated all kinds of taboos regarding sex. They took vows of celibacy and proclaimed chastity a virtue. This created quite a quandary. Each soul knew and understood that through the sacred communion of sex, one of the most miraculous events on Earth occurs, which is the procreation of life. Yet, on the other hand, we were being told by religious leaders that sex was bad. These two diametrically opposed concepts could not be effectively reconciled in our finite minds, so we learned to muddle through life vacillating between wanting very much to fulfill our sexual experience and beating ourselves up with guilt and shame if we did. This was a coup de grace for our human ego, because our confusion created a very powerful vehicle through which our human ego could manipulate us and keep us bound in self abuse.

However, if we are in the process of physically ascending into the fourth dimension, we cannot just deny part of who we are and pretend it doesn't exist. We also can't eliminate our sexuality by transmuting it into light so it will go away. Our sexuality is part of who we are, and instead of getting rid of it, we need to make peace with it and we need to learn how to express it positively and constructively. We need to recognize it for what it was intended to be an expression of Love. And, we need to love ourselves enough so that we will allow wonderful relationships into our life through which our sexuality can be experienced in its highest level of potential'

Loving Your Body

The first step in awakening to the Divine Intent of our sexuality is learning to love and actually revere our physical body. This vehicle is a miraculous living organism that allows us the opportunity to experience a third dimensional reality. It is the vehicle that is used to project the creative faculties of thought and feeling into the physical plane. Without a physical body we could not become co-creators with God or masters of energy, vibration and consciousness in a physical reality. The physical body is not who we are; it is merely the vehicle we "drive" while we are in embodiment on Earth. We are responsible for how we treat our bodies and, just like our car, the better we take care of it, the better it will serve us.

We have created our physical body, and it is providing us with the exact learning experiences we need. To hate our body just delays our progress and perpetuates our misery. What we need to do is learn to Love it and respect it as the beautiful, miraculous organism it Is.

When you bathe your body feel your hands projecting healing and Love into every single cell. As you rub your hands over your body with soap and water, caress every part of your body with tenderness and Love. Get to know this vehicle as it begins to come alive again and as you allow it to feel and express itself without guilt or shame.

Your body is sensitive and sensual for a reason. The pleasurable feelings you experience when your body is Loved and caressed allow you to feel nurtured, and it encourages you to open the Stargate of your Heart. The beautiful sensations that flow through your body when it is Lovingly touched and caressed trigger chemical changes in the body that enable you to receive and assimilate greater quantities of life force. This increased life force rejuvenates the body and keeps it vibrant and young. It accelerates healing and eliminates the degenerative diseases of aging, which are created by closing down the Heart Center and blocking the flow of life force. The added life force also heals the grief and pain of lost Love, rejection, abandonment, loneliness and despair. It lifts one out of depression and into a sense of well being and inner peace.

Opening up your feeling nature through the physical sensations of gentle, Loving touch creates within your body a sense of trust, security and safety. As you Love your body and increase the flow of God's Love in, through and around you, you begin to truly know that God is the source of your Love, constantly filling you up with the Holy Essence of Divine Love. This inner knowing will enable you to understand that as long as you are open and receptive to this connection with God's Love and the Love of your body, no one outside of you can take Love away from you.

Because of the taboos that have been inflicted upon us, often the thought of touching our body in a pleasurable way seems shocking, but you must recognize that belief is coming from the old patterns of self-deprivation, flagellation and denial.

Sex Is The Experience

We have often allowed ourselves to feel Love emotionally, but sex is the way we feel and experience Love physically. When you begin to allow your body to awaken to physical sensations with the healing Loving caress of your own touch, you will feel safe and trusting. In truth, there is no way you can fully open yourself.

I will assume that you have magnetized into your life a wonderful, nurturing, caring person with whom you want to Lovingly share your sexuality. The person you choose for this very sacred sharing is, of course, your choice. No one outside of you has the right to make that decision for you. No one knows what your life path involves or what learning experiences you have agreed to go through. If both people are adults and the decision to be intimately involved with each other is a mutually Loving and positive agreement, then that is all that matters. It is nobody else's business.

Once you have chosen someone that you would like to have a relationship with, you must remember that sex is intended to be an expression of Love, a deep, intimate sharing, a sacred communion. This means that it is very important for you and your partner to continually be aware of each other throughout your sexual interaction. You must communicate to each other your needs and your feelings, and express to each other your enjoyment and pleasure. Whatever the two of you choose to experience is your business, as long as you both are in agreement and are interacting with Love, respect and reverence for your physical bodies and each other.

Sexuality is about honoring and Loving yourself, your body, your partner and your partner's body. It is about self-discovery in relationship to your body and your partner. Just as you had to take time to learn to become comfortable while Loving and caressing your own body, you need to be patient and tolerant with both yourself and your partner as you learn to feel safe and comfortable touching and caressing each other's body. But, I promise you, the rewards will be well worth the effort.

Sex, the most fearful and fascinating, the most guilt ridden and ecstatic of arts, is a subject we do not discuss easily. Here's how to open up, sexually.

next: Avoiding Sex Talk Opening Up To Sex

sexual health

• STOP ALL CRITICISM. Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.
• DON'T SCARE YOURSELF. Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. It's a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure (mine is yellow roses), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought.
• BE GENTLE AND KIND AND PATIENT. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself as you learn the new ways of thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you really loved.
• BE KIND TO YOUR MIND. Self-hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Don't hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change your thoughts.
• PRAISE YOURSELF. Criticism breaks down the inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing.
• SUPPORT YOURSELF. Find ways to support yourself. Reach out to friends and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it.
• BE LOVING TO YOUR NEGATIVES. Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need. Now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs. So lovingly release the old negative patterns.
• TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY. Learn about nutrition. What kind of fuel does your body need to have optimum energy and vitality? Learn about exercise. What kind of exercise can you enjoy? Cherish and revere the temple you live in.
• MIRROR WORK. Look into your eyes often. Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself. Forgive yourself looking into the mirror. Talk to your parents looking into the mirror. Forgive them too. At least once a day say: "I love you, I really love you!"
• LOVE YOURSELF... DO IT NOW. Don't wait until you get well, or lose the weight, or get the new job, or the new relationship. Begin now - and do the best you can. Make peace with your sexuality

next: Attitude and Sexual Health