Chapter 2: Drunk Feelings were the Only Feelings

I graduated high school at age 18 and went to college. When I graduated from school, I also graduated from the sports teams and all the friends I was so accustomed to. Isolation got very bad.

That year I started dating a girl. I drank with her from the beginning and found that I could do anything she or I wanted to do sexually if I was under the influence. I didn't even like her much, but the sex made me feel grown up and masculine. These were new feelings that I was searching for.

I found that in college, homework was not assigned every night and classes met only two or three times per week. It was possible to pull all-night study sessions before exams. I did not get involved in any college sports or activities. Drinking started to occur during the week days. Getting served alcohol was easier now also. I found a place in nearby New Jersey that did not ID people. It wasn't that far away from the conservative liquor control state of Pennsylvania. And after all, even if it was a long trip, I was willing to go to any length.

My anxiety got worse at this time. I constantly felt anxious. I had no male friends to play sports or identify with. Guys in college all seemed to be busy with their own life. The school I went to was about 75% female and it seemed that none of them wanted to associate with me either. I became nervous when I was not drinking. I drank more to feel calm. Little did I know that booze was causing a great deal of my anxiety. I felt very uncomfortable on the day after a heavy load. Feeling this "uneasiness" around others caused me to drink again the next day.

I felt like I was on the outside looking in for a good part of my life. The lack of enough alcohol and drugs made that feeling worse. I tried to drink more to make me feel good again only to have the problems seem much worse the next day.

I crashed my car into a telephone pole on one of my many reckless drunken driving sprees. This was my first real trouble with alcohol. I was lucky the police did not or could not charge me due to technicalities. Although I broke my right hand, I was sure to drink again within a few days. I needed alcohol to feel what I was thinking. I drank to feel happy, to feel sad, to feel depressed, and to feel angry. Alcohol had become my emotions.

next: Chapter 3: Alcohol Conquers the Mind
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