I recently finished reading Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Her ideas gave me some new insights into my failed marriage and gave me an excellent model for a better understanding of healthy relationships.

Evans says there are two types of relationships: Level I (the verbally abusive relationship) and Level II (a healthy relationship). To reach Level II, the two partners in a relationship need to be aware that both partners are equal. As long as inequality exists (i.e., one partner exercising power over the other), then the relationship will remain at Level I. In order to exercise "power over," the dominant partner must protect their position at all costs. Initially, that protection relies upon verbal insults, put-downs, demeaning jokes, mind-games, emotional withdrawal, name-calling, condescending tone, and several other verbal weapons. The dominant partner must win every verbal exchange to keep power and control. If these tactics fail, then the power-over "game" can (and over time probably will) escalate to physical violence.

I've decided that if I'm ever going to be involved in another significant relationship, both my partner and I are going to have an awareness of why relationships work and why they don't. I want a relationship of equals, partners, friends—who mutually affirm, encourage, and support each other.

I have to admit, I sometimes wonder if a healthy relationship is possible. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm worthy of such a relationship. Books like Patricia Evans' give me hope. It's exciting to think about the possibilities.

As a co-dependent, I want to focus on being the best person I can be, so when the opportunity for a healthy friendship or relationship comes along, I can participate in helping create a mutually beneficial partnership. Being the best person I can be means taking care of myself, loving myself, being un-dependent, and having a deep reservoir of love, kindness, compassion, gentleness, and unconditional acceptance to offer myself and another.

Healthy relationships exist between two whole, aware, conscious adults, deciding together to give the best of themselves to a partnership where both are nurtured and where both are growing spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. A partnership where both partners are equal, where both partners are independent, yet interdependent. A partnership where the dynamics result in creativity, spontaneity, emotional safety, and spiritual growth.

Dear God, lead me to healthy, aware relationships. Grant me to bring wholeness and safety, on my part, to the relationship. Help me to always remember I am worthy of healthy relationships.

next: Milestones

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

In Step Five, I was ready to admit I had been wrong. In Step Six, I became ready to have the defects of character I had discovered in Step Four removed.

A key concept in Step Six is entirely ready. By August of '93, I had "hit bottom" all the way. Such is not always the case when people first encounter the Twelve Steps. In other words, I had done the maximum amount of damage I could do in my life. My life was beyond the help of human intervention. I was beyond the help of self-discipline. My life and my relationships needed divine intervention and healing.

Had I sought to work Step Six before hitting bottom, I would not have been entirely ready. Only partially ready. God brought me to Step Six after careful preparation.

A second key concept is that only God can remove my defects of character.

I could not cleanse myself of my past, my failures, or my character defects. Once I admitted my mistakes, I also had to admit that I could not overcome them using my own willpower. I admitted I needed God's help. (Part of my ego problem had been the idea that I did not need God's help; that attitude put me beyond God's help.)

By hitting bottom intellectually, emotionally, financially, socially, mentally, and spiritually, my over-inflated pride and ego were humbled. My self-sufficiency was exposed as an insane lie; my power was shown to be powerless; and my self was shown to be nothing more than vague shadows of my work, my toys, my status, and my abilities. All that I had created to protect my ego in my proud, self-willed, fragile little world was shattered. I was alone, helpless and broken before God.

Once I was entirely broken, I became clay in God's hands, to be reshaped according to God's will.

next: The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous Step Seven

Information and help for those who have lost a loved one as a result of internet addiction, cybersex, or a cyberaffair.

Internet affairs are no longer about two people simply chatting it up online.   Now there's easy access to online dating sites for married people, video sites for online sexual trysts or why not just hook up on Adult Friendfinder and find a real life sexual partner who doesn't care whether you're married (connected) or not. So if your partner is a cybersex addict, he or she has no problem filling that addictive need.

Unfortunately, that also means there are a lot of partners, women and men, who are left behind to deal with the emotional aftermath after discovering their partner had a cyberaffair or an affair which began by hooking up over the internet.

In the Cyberwidows Help Center, we have comprehensive information to help you understand cybersexual addiction and what's happened as well as access to help and support.

Articles

• Has Your Relationship Been Hurt By A Cyberaffair?
• Dealing With a Cyberaffair
• Test for Spouses/Partners of Internet Addicts
• Are You Addicted to Cybersex?
• Cybersex and Infidelity Online: Implications for Evaluation and Treatment
• Computer and Cyberspace Addiction
• Cybersex Addicts and Other Visitors to Cybersex Sites

Caught in the Net - The is the first relationship book to help cyberwidows cope with cyberaffairs and online cheating. It provides communication techniques and ways to help rebuild your marriage.

Clinic - Our Virtual Clinic provides affordable, confidential, and high quality counseling to cope with cyber-related disorders for yourself or a loved one.

Infidelity On-Line Booklet - This exclusive informational step-by-step guide and interactive workbook is specially designed to help you and your partner rebuild your relationship after a cyberaffair.

Cyberwidows Test - A test to help cyberwidows' determine their loved one's addiction to the Internet.

next: Has Your Relationship Been Hurt By A Cyberaffair?
~ all center for online addiction articles
~ all articles on addictions

Many AD/HD entrepreneurs have no idea how their ADHD is affecting their ability to do business and how much more successful they could be.

As I mentioned in the first article in this series, as an AD/HD Entrepreneur Coach, it seems to me that entrepreneurs are more likely than most people to have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or AD/HD. Unfortunately, many of these AD/HD entrepreneurs have no idea how their AD/HD is affecting their ability to do business. At my seminars about entrepreneurship and AD/HD, I get questions like "I've been very successful. Why do I need to come to you?" "So what if I have AD/HD?" is another popular question.

It's not a question of how successful you have been. It's a question of how much more successful you could be if you could understand how your own brain works. Entrepreneurs are not like other people in business, and the AD/HD brain is not like other brains. Studies have shown that the AD/HD brain even looks different when you examine it with an MRI or other magnetic imaging equipment. In fact, the more we learn about the brain, the more we understand that the AD/HD brain isn't defective. It's simply different.

Understanding that your brain is different is the first step towards moving ahead not only in business but in other areas of your life as well. If you have AD/HD, then you know that it takes extra effort to focus on a specific task for very long. It may be that your AD/HD forces you to spend so much energy focusing on your work that you end up neglecting other important areas of your life. Studies have shown that the divorce rate among people with AD/HD is much higher than normal. People with AD/HD are also more likely to have problems with alcohol or substance abuse. They're even more likely to get speeding tickets!

Of course, those things are hard to notice if you've been living that way all your life. There is a certain form of relativity at work here, as if you had an especially mean older sister who strapped something around your ankles when you were just learning how to walk. If you've always walked around with weights on your ankles, then you probably don't notice the weights are even there. But imagine how much faster you could run if suddenly the weights were removed! That's how many adults who have been diagnosed with AD/HD describe their experience, as if the weights that were holding them back had been suddenly taken away.

Having Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD) is like having a high-powered sports car with an out of sync transmission. The motor - your mind - runs just fine. It's speeding along with all kinds of new ideas and revving up for more. Unfortunately, the car - your brain - doesn't always move like it should. Sometimes the gears slip and you lose ground despite the fact that your motor is running about as fast as it can. At other times, everything clicks and you can do amazing things. That's what happens when things get out of sync. This kind of inconsistent performance is one of the hallmarks of AD/HD.

AD/HD means that you're inconsistent. It does not mean you are stupid. Many, perhaps even most, people with AD/HD have IQ's that are well above average. Dr. Paul Elliot, a physician from Dallas, Texas who has worked with adults and children with the disorder for over twenty years believes there is a strong connection between AD/HD and intelligence. "At IQ's over 160" (which is well above the 140 required for the designation of "genius"), "virtually all people have AD/HD," says Elliott. One popular AD/HD writer and self-avowed computer geek describes it as having "the mind of a Pentium with the memory of a 286."

Having AD/HD means that there is a big gap between your ability and your actual performance, between what you could do and what you actually end up accomplishing. If you are going to reach your full potential, then you have to learn to close that gap.

David Giwerc MCC,(Master Certified Coach, ICF) is the Founder/President of the ADD Coach Academy (ADDCA), http://www.addca.com,/ a comprehensive training program designed to teach the essential skills necessary to powerfully coach individuals with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. He has been featured in the New York Times, London Times,Fortune and other well-known publications. He has a busy coaching practice dedicated to ADHD entrepreneurs and the mentoring of ADD coaches. He helped develop ADDA's Guiding Principals For Coaching Individuals with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. He has been a featured speaker at ADDA, CHADD, International Coach Federation and other conferences. David is the current President of ADDA.

next: Job Accommodations for Adults with ADHD
~ adhd library articles
~ all add/adhd articles

Are you an obsessive online gamer or worried that your child is addicted to computer or internet games? Read this article, take a test, get insight and help.

Online gaming addiction is an addiction to online video games, role-playing games, or any interactive gaming environment available through the Internet. Online games such "EverQuest", the "World of Warcraft", the "Dark Age of Camelot", or "Diablo II" - dubbed "heroinware" by some players - can pose much more complex problems. Extensive chat features give such games a social aspect missing from offline activities, and the collaborative/competitive nature of working with or against other players can make it hard to take a break.

A New Parental Concern

Parents across the globe are increasingly concerned about their sons and daughters online gaming habits. They are sure that there is a problem but counselors unfamiliar with online gaming addiction don't understand how seductive they can be. One mother explained that she had talked to her son's guidance counselors, the school psychologist, and two local addiction rehabilitation centers. "No one had ever heard of someone getting addicted to X-Box Live," she said. "They all told me it was a phase and that I should try to limit my son's game playing. They didn't understand that I couldn't. He had lost touch with reality. My son lost interest in everything else. He didn't want to eat, sleep, or go to school, the game was the only thing that mattered to him."

Parents often feel alone and scared as their children become hooked to something that no one seems to understand. "My son's counselor told me to just turn off the computer," another mother explained. "That was like telling the parent of an alcoholic son to tell him to just stop drinking. It wasn't that simple. We felt like no one was taking us seriously that our son had a real problem."

Signs of Online or Computer Gaming Addiction

Gamers who become hooked show clear signs of addiction. Like a drug, gamers who play almost every day, play for extended periods of time (over 4 hours), get restless or irritable if they can't play, and sacrifice other social activities just to game are showing signs of addiction.

• A preoccupation with gaming
• Lying or hiding gaming use
• Disobedience at time limits
• Social withdrawal from family and friends

(Worried? Take our online gaming addiction test.)

Dr. Kimberly Young provides individual and family therapy for children and adults addicted to online gaming. She utilizes a holistic approach that involves understanding what makes the role-playing game so significant for the user and what type of emotional and psychological factors are sustaining the online gaming behavior. In many cases, gamers find acceptance, respect, and recognition through the game, and the online character replaces relationships that are missing in the gamer's life. She counsels parents dealing with an addicted child reluctant to enter treatment and for parent's unsure how to address their child's online gaming habit at home, Dr. Young has written, "When Gaming Becomes an Obsession: Help for Parents and their Children Addicted to Online Gaming" that provides specific tools to help you and your family on the path towards recovery from compulsive online gaming.

next: More on Kids, Their Computers and Their Dangerous Addiction to the Internet
~ all center for online addiction articles
~ all articles on addictions

For people with ADHD and their families, an overview of the legal system, insurance system and public benefits programs.

Topics in this section:

• The Legal System
• The Insurance System
• Public Benefits Programs

Because AD/HD can pervade almost every aspect of an individual's life, many systems can come into play in the life of a person or family affected by the disorder.

This section covers the Legal System, which includes dealing with criminal and juvenile justice, the Insurance System, and the Public Benefits System.

This website also has an entire section devoted to the Educational System.

Other Web Sites:

• State/Local Resource Directory for Children With Disabilities
  This website is a collaboration of the Coordinating Council on Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, which consists of 9 Federal agencies and offices.
• The Judge David L. Bazelon Center for Mental Health Law
  The Bazelon Center is an information and advocacy organization that focuses on laws, policies and regulations that affect the civil rights of people with mental disabilities and access to services for adults and children with disabilities.
• National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information

next: Subtle Brain Circuit Abnormalities Confirmed in ADHD
~ adhd library articles
~ all add/adhd articles

Insights into the best way to communicate with someone who has bipolar disorder or another mental illness.

Supporting Someone with Bipolar - For Family and Friends

1. Use short, clear direct sentences. Long, involved explanations are difficult for people with mental illness to handle. They will tune you out.
2. Keep the content of communications simple. Cover only one topic at a time; give only one direction at a time. Be as concrete as possible.
3. Do what you can to keep the "stimulation level" as low as possible. A loud voice, an insistent manner, making accusations and criticisms are painfully defeating for anyone who has suffered a mental breakdown.
4. If your relative appears withdrawn and uncommunicative, back off for a while. Your communication will have a better chance of getting the desired response when your relative is calmer and in better contact.
5. Assume that a good deal of everything you say to your ill relative will "fall through the cracks." You will often have to repeat instructions and directions. Be patient; you will be rewarded in heaven.
6. Be pleasant and firm. If you do not "waffle" or undermine what you are expressing, your relative will not as readily misinterpret it. Communications are our "boundaries" in dealing with others. Make sure your boundaries are sturdy and clear.

next: Coping Tips for Siblings and Adult Children of Persons with Mental Illness
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

What Parents Can Do at Home

• Your words are powerful and can influence attitudes and performance in school and at home.
• Suggest activities and experiences for girls that may be traditionally reserved for boys. Girls may not ask for the chance to fix a leaky pipe, build a fence or explore the cause of an electrical short, but are enthusiastic participants when given the opportunity. Encourage girls to explore non-traditional areas of interest. Praise demonstrations of daring, curiosity.
• Stereotypes are powerful. Encourage girls, as well as boys, to question them.
• Praise your daughter for her skills and ideas rather than for her appearance and neatness.
• Resist rescuing girls or providing ready answers. Research shows that this kind of "help" undermines girls' confidence in their abilities.
• Encourage new, non-traditional thinking and methods of problem solving. Help foster an environment where girls know it's acceptable to get sweaty and dirty in pursuit of a goal.
• Become a media critic and encourage that approach in your daughter. Discuss with her the portrayals of girls and women on television, in movies, in magazines and in popular music. Does the media offer positive or negative role models for girls? Explore the messages and assumptions that the media is sending. These discussions provide ideal opportunities to explore the roles of girls and women in society.

Education

• A new study confirmed that education plays a key role in improving women's lives. Among women who were college graduates, 95 percent said that things were going at least fairly well, compared with only 3 percent of the women who had not completed high school.
• Women who take more than two college-level math courses often achieve pay equity with men, and in many cases, receive higher average pay than men.
• Build your daughter's technological mastery and competence by finding a way for her to use a computer regularly; and by sending her to computer camp in the summer, especially after fourth grade.
• If she shows an interest in technical things, buy her a subscription to Popular Mechanics or a computer magazine.
• Don't assume that she is not interested in technical things.
• Encourage your daughter to take advantage of volunteer opportunities, internships, and work-study programs, especially in her areas of interest.
• Extracurricular activities add dimension. Support your daughter's interests and participation in extracurricular activities. Sports, clubs, field trips, etc. allow students to find new interests, take on new responsibilities, learn leadership, be part of a team effort, and build a resume.

Checklist for Parents

Encourage girls to:

• Ask questions and not always accept the answers that are given.
• Take risks, seek challenges.
• Speak up and speak out - make sure their voices are heard.
• Try and try again. It's okay to make mistakes.
• Take on leadership positions in student government, sports or extracurricular activities.
• Stick with math and science classes even if they are not their strong suit.
• Play organized sports.
• Participate in physical activities.

next: What Parents Need to Know About Eating Disorders
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Dear Stanton:

I hope that someone contacted you about the Bill Moyers upcoming 5-part series to be aired nationwide on PBS in March. There needs to be a balance in this presentation.

Thanks for asking. I was actually invited, along with five other professionals, to a background meeting with Moyers' producers. Although several producers excitedly asked me to send them materials, I was not asked to participate in the program itself.

Before describing that, let me mention that, ironically, Moyers' daughter lived across the street from me in Morristown and I was friendly with her and rode my bike with her then-husband, who worked with Bill. Years ago, I gave his son-in-law several of my books to show Moyers.

Back to the meeting: the five people I joined in front of Moyers' group of producers were Ernie Drucker (former director of a methadone program and now of the Lindesmith Center), Jon Morgenstern (formerly a researcher at the Rutgers Center of Alcohol Studies), Anne Geller (medical director of the Roosevelt Hospital alcoholism program in New York), Herb Kleber (former assistant to Drug Czar Bill Bennett and current assistant to Joseph Califano at CASA), and the director of an inner city treatment program.

I emphasized the futility of a national recovery policy based on 12-step groups, the prevalence and value of natural recovery, the relativity of the addiction concept, and so on. I may have been too far out. When we were asked to end with one main point, I emphasized that this should not be another paean to 12-step recovery, which helps such a small minority of people with substance abuse problems. (I was thinking of one program Moyers had done on a group of recovered African American men in San Francisco.)

But I think the program will at least mention alternatives. It is disappointing in this case and others (such as the cover story on controlled drinking in the September 8, 1997 U.S. News and World Report) that I, who has been punished as the main spokesperson for alternative treatments for alcohol problems in the U.S., am not included. But, I'll continue to be the main spokesperson in presenting an alternative view of addiction and recovery—as in the case of Project MATCH. I was sandbagged.

Best wishes,
Stanton

P.S. I have since discovered that Bill's son is in recovery and is public policy director for Hazelden.

next: Why Can't People Just Stop Using Drugs, and Should Addicts Be Maintained on Drugs?
~ all Stanton Peele articles
~ addictions library articles
~ all addictions articles

The most professional and accurate answer to "How do I begin?" in my opinion is, "It depends."

It depends on what form the eating disorder takes, how entrenched it is, what kind of social supports are available, how accessible the person is to deep psychological learning, how much commitment there is, how willing and genuinely informed the person's intimates are, the quality of eating disorder therapy available, the quality of programs available and what touches an individual's heart.

The main theme, the guiding principle is, "Get well no matter what." That's the kind of commitment and focus it takes to really recover from an eating disorder. Usually a lot of exploring occurs in the process of finding the methods and people who are best for you (not based on control issues but on healing issues).

Sometimes you luck out and find a psychotherapist who can go the distance with you. Such a person has knowledge of eating disorders and unconscious processes. He or she is more than willing for the patient to participate in various ethical, responsible and respectable groups where the patient explores body, mind, spiritual and creative issues and opportunities while maintaining ongoing psychotherapy. Sometimes such a person is just not available, and a program can offer these things better than anyone else in your healing environment. Sometimes a combination of program first and then one on one is best. Sometimes it's one on one, then a program and then back to one on one.

If the patient is really lucky, her family goes into therapy and works out many of their troublesome individual and group boundary issues as well. Eating disorder residential or out patient programs often offer family sessions. Sometimes these are conducted with the eating disorder person present. Sometimes not. Sometimes they are conducted with other eating disorder families. Sometimes not. Or a combination of all is offered in a structured setting.

The challenge is to find what is best for you. In Buddhism they say there are 84,000 doors to enlightenment.

I like this philosophy. There are many and varied ways of achieving recovery. Even the search for your best way is part of the healing process as long as you are not playing tricks with your mind and are sincerely open to healing.

The best way for you may not be the most comfortable way. Healing from an eating disorder is not comfortable. It's eye opening, mind opening, soul opening and body healing with joyous times, but it's definitely not comfortable. In healing you begin where you are. You check out the reputation and credentials of people you associate with because people with eating disorders have difficulties with trust. They can trust too quickly when it's not a good idea, and they can withhold their trust when it is a good place and in so doing lose a potentially helpful relationship. So credentials and recommendations are important as you explore what is available for you.

How to Begin - Contact:

• eating disorder specialists

• hospitals

• school counseling programs

• 12 step organizations

• residential eating disorder treatment centers

• churches, temples and synagogues

• eating disorder web sites

Ask for people you can talk with who have experience in either treating eating disorders, achieving eating disorders recovery or have received good feedback from referring people to helpful situations. Learn about the different ways people have found real help and choose what seems like a tolerable beginning place for you.

Guides come in all kinds of forms. You might discover a simple, direct path when someone or several people highly recommend a particular psychotherapist. But information might take a different shape entirely. Someone might recommend a creative writing group that has a lot of people in recovery as participants. By visiting or joining that group you might get a creative boost in your life plus meet people who can give you solid recommendations for treatment.

Local hospitals may have programs (residential or out-patient) or know where programs exist. School counselors, priests, pastors, rabbis and monks may know what local resources have helped students and parishioners (and which have not). Twelve step programs are always a grab bag of unpredictable surprises, but they are also consistent in that people who actively participate in their personal recovery show up and tell "how it was and how it is." Hearing these stories and meeting the people can be enormously helpful, even if it's just one meeting and just one story that opens your mind to a path for you.

Residential eating disorders treatment centers often have a list of recommended psychotherapists in the local area. Such centers may offer you visits to their site and/or may invite you to talks, seminars, meetings with their staff and perhaps people who have "graduated" from their programs.

Eating disorder web sites often have a list of people you can contact for information. Many eating disorder psychotherapists, dieticians and medical doctors are part of a world-wide information-sharing network. It may be possible for this network to find you referrals to resources in your area that are worth exploring.

There are 84,000 ways to begin. I have learned that if you trust and commit to your own desire to get well, you will recognize the door that is right for you.

Joanna Poppink, M.F.C.C., licensed by the State of California in 1980, is a Marriage, Family, Child Counselor (License #15563). She has a private practice in Los Angeles where she works with adult individuals and couples. She specializes in working with people with eating disorders and with people who are trying to understand and help a loved on who has an eating disorder.

next: Eating Disorders: A Guide for Parents and Loved Ones
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders