Self-Hatred and Eating Disorders

Each day is a struggle....
I can truly relate.
Keep writing.

I totally relate to this. I do not have an eating disorder, but I have a compulsion to self-harm. I am covered in scars. Every time the cycle of self-hatred you describe starts up, I am immersed in it so quickly -- like a tidal wave -- and it will not stop for a long long time. I take medications and receive ECT, am hospitalized and diagnosed and rediagnosed -- but underlying everything I do is fierce self-hatred. I am so in awe of and inspired by your decision to turn away from that and be kind to yourself. I have not been able to do that yet. Thank you so much for this post.

how do you stop hating yourself? how do you fight the thoughts?

And about the eating disorder..... I don't even think it is one.....I throw up after I eat...I don't eat much but I don't throw up all the time so its not a disorder..rite?
http://www.antiaging-systems.com/

That's such an interesting concept, to 'love yourself'. It could be the answer to so, so many problems. It suggests to me something to do with 'surrender'. To give yourself up to something that is in you, urging completion. And yet the something is yourself. How can this be? It's you but it's more than you. This is a problem that affects us all massively today, whether or not you have an eating disorder. The disorder is not quite being able to get to the surrender of loving yourself. I can't help you with the ED but I think the real problem is a human one.
Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud and it's not really relevant to the blog.

I too am a 40-something anorexic/bulimic/addict who hates herself. I have always felt this self-hatred even before I became ill. I have been fighting this war for 25 years and I want to stay positive but the older I get the more difficult it becomes. I have tried suicide several times...now i am too scared to try again because I cant get it right and I dont want to wake up angry I didnt die. It has happened every time. I am just so tired....I wasted my life being a professional anorexic/bulimic and all I have to show for it is missing teeth and weak bones. Im scared. Scared of living and of dying.....I just want to either live my life while my heart is still beating, or die and make this hell on earth stop.

I know exactly how you feel I've had a battle with pro-Mia and pro-Ana for a little over 4 years now it is a struggle my boyfriend tries to help me through it don't let it get to the point where even your significant other can't help you. I also battle with cutting I've been a compulsive self harmer for 6 years it's tough but you guys are doing great fighting the battle keep it up guys at times it seems hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel but single, married or in a relationship just know you matter to so many people. That's what help keeps me going I hope it can help you guys too

exactly how I feel everyday and every hour of my life. Except, instead of not eating, I binge which doubles these feelings. The self-hatred is killing me from the inside. I definitely feel the same as you described. My brain hurts, my stomach hurts, all of my body aches. I don't see the point to live with a constant self-hatred. So what? I will look back one day and all I remember is this feeling? Disgusted of myself for wasting a life like that... There are such bigger problems in the world and I am consumed with this. That is why I don't think I deserve to have all that I have. Hopefully, I can overcome this disgust and disappointment soon. Otherwise I can't imagine the next 10 years.

I don't deserve to eat so I don't I don't like me like everyone else so I cut to feel better

I'm too fat. I shouldn't eat. You don't deserve to eat. Don't be so weak...
"You're a fat, disgusting pig."
EXACTLY what goes through my mind every single time I even think about eating. Except I'm SUPPOSED to feel that way because I really am fat (BMI over 40). I've been hating myself more and more and more and trying harder and harder to never eat except when I can't possibly help it ( and then I hate myself triple time when I do give in and eat anything). And I'm still fat. So clearly I don't hate myself enough yet, because if I did I'd stop eating until I wasn't fat any more.

I feel that and I feel like I can't tell anyone because my parents are trying to help me recover but at the same time I don't want to recover I just want everyone to leave me alone. I hate myself for so many reasons and I can't see anything good about me

im a 12 year old girl. I hate my body its just so fat and heavy. im just over 10stone most of my mates r under 8 stone. it annoys me so much because i havent ate veg or meat in 10 years and 9 months, i hardly ever eat fruit so i only eat junk but i hate eating anything else because of taste ad texture. it really bugs me because i wanna loose weight but if i see food im gonna eat it. Ive eaten so much this month its honestly annoying but i cant stop myself i just want to eat and eat. i also hate talking to people about it bc im worried people with say oh ur not fat and think im an attetion seeker. i understand they at times give me compliments but it makes it worse as i wish its true.