Your Eating Disorder as Your Identity: Who Are You Without It?

Jess!
I'm excited too. I'm happy you are back, that you are well, and that we will be working together.
<3
P.

Jess, welcome back. You´ve been missed - though Patricia is a GREAT partner and I´ve enjoyed her posts.
I, too, have been aware that my "thinness" - the fact that I don´t eat a lot - has become my identity. I continue to battle with the truth that I don´t really WANT to gain weight. (Though I have gained about 10 pounds over the last year and am no longer at a critical stage) Somehow, in my mind, gaining weight means I´m no longer me. People will notice, they will make comments about my weight gain, and I will hear it as their pointing out a loss. I KNOW this isn´t true - but those thoughts still exist.
I, too, am a Christian. I often teach Bible studies and I know the Christ who is my identity. I enjoy writing, encouraging others, I, too, enjoy words and studying their exact meanings, I love my children and grandchildren (yes I´m a 60 year old battling habits and thought patterns I´ve had since my teen years) I WANT to move on - but then, I don´t want to: if that makes any sense.
Anyway - I don´t have answers. I just want to know what you´ve learned to help you be able to reléase that false identity of being anorexic.
Thanks loads - sorry so long.
Susan

I was thinking about this topic earlier this morning, interestingly enough. In my personal experience (and I suspect in some others' as well) I developed my eating disorder during puberty - which leads me to the theory that, once I was officially diagnosed with anorexia, I clung to that as an identity. It is no secret that the entirety of us, growing up in our teens or 20s or even past that, we strive to find who we are. We strive to find an identity for ourselves. Once I was given a sort of label, I clung to that because I didn't know what else to cling to. I was lost and felt hopeless as a person.
While I'm trying to let go out my identity as an anorectic, I'm still struggling to find an identity beyond sickness in general. However, progress is progress, I'd like to believe.

For years, my identity has been tied up with being either an anorexic or a recovering anorexic. Hence, it colors everything that I do.
One clinician has written that those of us with eating disorders cling to them because we have not developed our own unique personalities. I can't say I agree with that, because I had a very strong personality before I developed anorexia while in my 40s. However, I can see that this might be the case with those who developed an eating disorder during the pre-pubescent ages when the personality is not fully formed.
I also believe that anorexia is unique in that we live in a society that worships thinness, and the anorexic body is one that many — models, actresses, teenage girls, and others — strive to obtain. Therefore anorexia is the only eating disorder that is subconsciously reinforced and praised by society. The incidences of anorexia is lower in societies that have minimal influence from Western values. Of course, that is rapidly changing in this new global world, in which someone in the far reaches of say, Mongolia or the rainforest, are influenced by Western society.
Since you are a strong believer in Christ, Jessica, have you looked into the works of Lisa Bevere? One of her books is titled "You Are Not What You Weigh: End your war with food and discover your true value." You might find it helpful.
I find that even while in recovery, I often long for the identity of an anorexic. I'm currently struggling with the eating disorder voice, and it makes me angry. I am an award-winning writer with three college degrees, and the best I can find to identify myself is my weight!?!

I wanted to share with you what I wrote about this subject (I hope I do this right!)
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/survivinged/2012/05/shedding-the-anorexic-identity/

I am struggling with bulimia and have definitely felt defined by that before. It became my identity in a strange way the minute I started thinking of it as my little secret, something I could hide from the world and keep to myself. I know that sounds odd, considering it's like hiding what you think as the center of your identity, but it is how I defined myself in my own mind. You can't hide it forever, of course, and people do start to notice the behavior. Then, for me, it became an outward identity I wasn't altogether proud of, but still *mine.* Still something I could use as the base of me. If I can ever shake that mentality, I think I'd be less resistant to treatment.
Outside of bulimia, I am also a "word nerd" and love playing pretty much any instrument that has strings. I'm hoping to build my identity around things like that some day instead of around this monster that feels like it ties my life together.
Thanks for this post, and best of luck!

Hi
I have spent the last 4 months totally focused on my recovery from Anorexia. I spent 8 weeks in treatment and then have been doing follow up outpatient treatment. Before I went into treatment I was so wrapped up in being an anorexic but at the same time in total denial that I had a problem. I was totally functional, working full time as a preschool teacher and general caregiver for many children. Not only did I have the "anorexic" identity but also that of a teacher and caregiver. My life revolved around those things. When I came out of treatment I was ready to start to let go of my eating disorder but I was then told that I couldn't go back to work. My boss felt that with winter and me still on the edge of health that it would be in the best interest of myself and the children at school if I took time off to get properly better and then come back to school. While others would think this was a wonderful opportunity to relax and take some time Out, I felt completely lost. Not only was not Aimee, the anorexic, but now I wasn't Aimee the teacher anymore either. I was gutted!!! I fell into a deep and dark depression. I was isolated and lonely. I was home alone all day and left to sit with my thoughts and feelings. Through many therapy sessions I worked through the uncomfortable feelings I had and learned to be still. It was a profound learning experience for me. Where I first felt punished I now feel free. I am learning to just be and be ok with that. I have started a true journey of healing and am learning new things about myself each day. I hope other get to find their true self too!

Hi Jess, and everyone
Some amazing comments and it is incredible to meet so many people who are brave enough to be completely candid about this
I am an anorexic stand up currently working on a show which is touring the UK to try and get people talking about eating disorders
As such, it's bizaare, because I feel the responsibility to wave the flag of being 'anorexic Dave' whilst at the same time decrying it and trying to get people talking about positive body image
I completely understand and empathise with the idea of not wanting to be 'anorexic Jess' just Jess. However, one of the things I have found difficult is that it is easier to pigeon-hole yourself as one thing rather than be all things to all people.
Identity, by it's nature is a transient and changing concept - you are not the same person with the same veiws, likes and interests as you did now than when you were 5. That's no bad thing, in fact, that's natural and should be encouraged. However, one of the trickiest things is being 'the anorexic' is a category to slot into.
I am not saying this is a good thing, and I have been told it is incredibly diseased thinking. I don't want to trigger anyone, and certainly don't want to offend, but, purely to ask some obviously intelligent and understanding people how you have found your identity beyond this.
After all we define ourselves all the time as brothers, sisters, sons, colleagues, even Christians, Muslims, Jews etc but these are all umbrella categories, they relate to millions of others beyond ourselves. By the nature of the disease anorexia is something incredibly personal, something you own and control - how do you find identity beyond that?
It is scary to think of finding an identity beyond that, yet, terrifying to think of where that ultimate conclusion leads to if you completely define yourself by the eating disorder. The pressure, the expectation and the knowledge of other people knowing you as 'the anorexic', 'the bulemic' or whatever, is only going to entrench the disease and perpetuate it. However, as sick as it sounds, being able to be just one category is a rare thing and something that helps to identify you.
So, how do you regain identity beyond this?
Sorry to ramble, I hope this makes sense!