How To Explain Trauma To People Who Don't Get It
So many times I've heard civilians say, "You mean, major trauma that leads to PTSD happens outside of the military?" The answer, of course, is a big, resounding, YES! The problem is that we don't have enough sources demystifying trauma and PTSD so that it's easy to see where it comes from and how it happens (Finding Meaning in Trauma and PTSD).
Have you ever heard about someone else's awful traumatic experience and thought that yours was inconsequential, or less awful? All too often we look at the experience of others and judge our own experiences against them. But that's fundamentally wrong. Just because your trauma may not, on the surface, appear "as bad" as someone else's doesn't mean it's any less traumatic or has less adverse effects.
Adding to this kind of thinking is the opinion of other people. Whether you're in a competitive support group where members try to outdo each other with horror stories, or you're surrounded by people who don't understand what trauma is, it's easy to feel devalued and invalidated by the comments of the world outside.
Explaining Trauma and PTSD Starts with Knowledge
Educating yourself about how to define trauma becomes critical in appreciating your own experience and recovery process, plus educating those around you. This week, I had a terrific conversation with Judy Crane, founder of The Refuge - A Healing Place, a treatment center for addiction, trauma and PTSD recovery. During our chat, Judy defined trauma down to a very minute level. I want to share it with you and hope that you'll share it with others so that we spread the word about what trauma really means.
What is Trauma?
A trauma survivor herself, Judy first defined trauma as
"anything less than nurturing."
Wow, that casts a wide net and repositions trauma from the exotic to the every day, which makes it much more accessible and ubiquitous. If you've ever felt like you're separate or disconnected from the world because of your trauma, the truth is that the world is full of it; you are very connected, indeed.
Judy then went on to deepen the definition by saying that trauma is
"an event or experience that changes your vision of yourself and your place in the world."
From this perspective, you (and anyone you share this info with) can see how easily trauma leaves its mark. Without your permission, a negative, frightening, hurtful or disempowering event occurs that shifts you into a place of feeling "less than". From here, it's a slippery slope to feeling unworthy, undeserving, purposeless and useless, the very feelings that contribute to posttraumatic symptoms and interrupt a normal life.
Explain Trauma & PTSD Simply; Others Will Get It
The next time someone (including you) poo-poos your trauma or PTSD experience or belittles the effects it's had on you, share Judy's simple explanations. You can say, for example,
Trauma is anything less than nurturing that changes your vision of yourself and your place in the world.
Explain, too, that trauma happens in both the big and little moments of how life negatively alters you.
From bullying to verbal abuse to abandonment and neglect, trauma comes in as many forms, shapes and sizes as the human race. That means experiencing trauma is part of the human condition. When you feel traumatized you are a normal, feeling, thinking being who has just had a perspective shift that can be shocking, startling, disconcerting and leave you feeling at a loss for how to respond.
Michele is the author of Your Life After Trauma: Powerful Practices to Reclaim Your Identity. Connect with her on Google+, LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter and her website, HealMyPTSD.com.
APA Reference
Rosenthal, M.
(2014, January 1). How To Explain Trauma To People Who Don't Get It, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, May 5 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2014/01/feeling-misunderstood-how-to-explain-trauma-to-people-who-just-dont-get-it
Author: Michele Rosenthal
I'm glad that you don't feel that way yourself. Its important that you recognize that others just can't "get it". I know I didn't "get it" before it happened to me. How could someone possibly understand how exquisitely brutal PTSD can be. Life is a battlefield and you are a veteran. You have been on your personal battlefield for as long as you have been alive and then some. Sometimes it seems to me that those who don't understand PTSD have never really been in the fight in the first place. I have been a firefighter for 26 yrs in a major metropolitan area and suffer from PTSD. My personal belief is that you can get a PTSD injury at any age for anything. It wouldn't surprise me if some people were born with it. The whole thing is very personal. I notice that others manage to frame me the same way they do you. That somehow I'm not tough enough, or that I just need to do this or that to get over it. I think this perception problem is common among people who have never battled PTSD. The world is definitely full of stupid people. (Meaning we are all stupid about some things)
I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2012, the traumatic event, as far as they can figure, was a search and rescue operation where I had to recover the bodies from one of our SAR aircraft. I just started seeing a psychologist a few months ago, and I can't open up to him about the details. I go on buses, into crowded malls, theatres, etc and the sheer number of people causes me to stress out. The smells that remind me of burning flesh, AV gas, foliage, etc make me want to throw up. Trauma is psychological, emotional as well as physical. I have difficulty sharing the details, or even talking about it in general terms, because a person that has not been in the same sort of situation cannot relate to what is hurting me.
First, Dave, I'm so sorry you went through this. You're right; it's an extreme situation that most people cannot specifically relate to. Have you tried finding a support group for combat veterans with PTSD? Aside from that, however, I do think that while your therapist, family, friends etc won't understand your experience, they can still support you and understand your need for help--as Michele wrote in the article, you can explain your pain in simple terms. Not everyone knows what it's like to experience warfare, but everyone knows pain, and I also think that we as humans can all recognize--at least on some level--the horror of what you experienced. I can't fully understand because I've never been through that specific type of trauma, but reading your comment, I can understand how and why this experience is so painful to you. The people in your life can still listen.
That being said, it took me a long time to be able to talk about my trauma as well. There's no need to rush that. You can talk about it when and if you're ready. In your comment you said "trauma is psychological, emotional, as well as physical." And you're absolutely right! If you haven't already, I recommend reading "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. Basically, he discusses how he discovered through clinical practice and research that our bodies store our trauma, and also that by healing trauma in the body (he highly recommends yoga), we can heal trauma in our minds as well. If you're not able to do work with words right now, maybe try working through your trauma physically.
Dear Dave, I have never been in warfare either but I have PTSD as well from a 17 year long abusive marriage. I have been divorced for over 10 years now but I still attend counseling sessions twice a month.
I have also lost 2 of my brother's to suicide since 2008, one of them was a Veteran like you. He had PTSD and therefore he couldn't take the nightmares and flashbacks any longer. He died on Memorial Day 2010
Thank You for sharing your story and I will pray for you. Please take care of yourself and if you ever feel overwhelmed by your PTSD please remember this one saying; "Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem" Take care of yourself and your friends and family do already know that the things you went through are worse than they ever wanted or imagined.
I believe that to be an accurate but oversimplified definition that most people are too ignorant to comprehend. We who suffer from C-PTSD and trauma understand it very well but most others need more to understand.
People are realizing that PTSD sufferers experienced a trauma that had proved tremendously difficult to overcome. I explain to people that sufferers of C-PTSD had no life before their trauma without trauma and that their trauma happened during the developmental stage of their brain and so affects them much differently and severely and ask them how they think of growing up in a traumatic environment might affect a child and when they think about it, I think they get it better. They understand what little chance they have comparatively to survive to live to their full potential.
My heart goes out to everybody here. I'm 82 and have PTSD and nobody understands 'cos it's invisible. I had a tummy ache 1and half yrs ago. Son took me to emergency. Ten minutes later I was dead. A ruptured aneurism caused blood loss. I next noticed that I had just a sheet covering me.Asked the nurse who said Oh, we had to cut you out of your clothes and the resuscitation took about five mins. Only a few percent of people survive this. Had stent put in/good docs. etc. I have Every possible symptom of this brain injury, and often think of suicide. I am in almost stage five CKD and don't want to die alone, but it is almost unbearable to live. 4 sweet sons living far away and not very worried about it at all. It's invisible after all! I'm So grateful to write this for people who understand.
Geri
You're a treasure, and a woman of great courage.
Anyone who battles despair daily and doesn't give into it is incredibly strong.
We are listening to you, and we understand what you've said.
I hear you Geri and it makes sense to me. It’s two years since you offered your honest account and I’m sure many have felt comforted/relieved by your honest insights. I hope you are well.
Three + yrs since my 7 year marriage with mis diagnosed bipolar wife, who actually has bpd I believe, decided to end our happy (so I thought) marriage, never to see or speak to her again. After not getting over things,as a normal grieving period should have done, my attempts to find d answers as to what happened and why marriage completely ended in a mere 8 hour period. Went from normal life and nothing that resembled divorce to never seeing or speaking to my wife again. This is when I learned in heat depth about mental illness and the effects of living with spouse suffering from bpd for example. I learned why life changed in every aspect for me and why. Short version of my findings is this. Nearly everyone has very litthe to zero knowledge of the effects of mental illness has on lived ones and spouses. Yes we had monthly outbreaks and living conditions were lie a war zone for 1 to 4 days but it ended and life went back to the fairy tale life as we Knew it. 99.9 percent of people, such as myself 3 yrs ago, can only relate to, understand, believe,or be sympathetic to a normal divorce is like and many have to compare this event to the most tragic hurtful event that they themselves have experienced. I've still yet to find anyone who can relate to the fact that I didn't have a normal divorce by any means. Nobody feels the hurt or remotely understands or accepts my claims as being legitimate and try convincing people that your situation is worse than the divorce they went through. So, educating people somehow. Support groups. Anything or anybody that I could have related to would have made every bit of difference . I did not seek any mental help at all. This has been my greatest regret. I can tell I've suffered permanent damage. Suicide has recently changed from a not if but when thing, to a, it's not as definate as 3 mo ago or even thought about. I still choose to call my tiny bedroom in my father's modular or trailer house, my safe place. I lost my good job. Haven't had income in 1.5 yrs. Don't care if I do anything to make changes atm. I'm just now interested in dating again. Well maybe. Anyway.....info, support, educate others. Big helpers yet effortless to provide.
Hi Joshua, I'm extremely sorry for your true pain in this unforeseen situation. Please get help if you are thinking, even thinking, of ending your life. You matter! God loves you. The national suicide hotline is800-273-8255 or you can always call 911. I've called the hotline 3 times out of concern for friends, and they were very helpful. I will be praying for you.
Absolutely not. PTSD must be negative which is not at all what Judys definition implies. Furthermore it must be far beyond a lack of nurturing. A lack of nurturing = not good for development. A lack of meeting basic needs and a presence of abuse could result in PTSD. A lack of nurturing? That's an incredibly common circumstance. You wanna call that PTSD? Well then those who suffered (as opposed to those who simply *didn't prosper*), deserve their own distinction. What shall we call it?
Agree❤️❤️❤️❤️
I was born into a horrific childhood which robbed me of every ability to develop. I’ve lived with Cptsd, extreme anxiety and major depressive disorder for 60yrs as well as violent chronic pain.
Thank you for this article, it's given me much food for thought, and it's a comfort to be able to read others' insights and experiences, and know I'm not alone on this planet, as I mostly feel alone.
Since having PTSD myself, and trying to understand it, its impact on my life, and how to heal from the trauma, I've listened with great interest to veterans' stories, including those from the Great War (1914-18). Rape survivors' stories resonate with me too.
I have come to the understanding that when we experience horror, terror or pain, in some capacity that is beyond our set of life experiences, it is such a shock to us, it has completely blindsided us, it is overwhelming and beyond our ability to process ---- THIS is what creates PTSD.
The circumstances that finalise that process include overwhelming grief, overwhelming loss, overwhelming and unfixable change of such a magnitude as to be catastrophic, having NO ONE TO TELL, having NO WORDS to describe what happened, having NO ABILITY TO GET JUSTICE, not being listened to or believed when you do speak, being told by the abuser that it didn't happen... having your pain minimised... having your experience invalidated...these are all components that hammer the nails in of its construction.
We cannot process it, and so the nightmares come.
The flashbacks come.
The pain of injustice and violation comes.
We can't process the memories, there is no time-stamp attached to them, so they are as fresh as if they are still happening, or have just happened.
The anger comes like a tsunami; a constant cry for justice.
The waves of shame come, and parts of my brain go offline, so I blank out. With that, my social confidence diminishes.
The flashbacks and sense memories make me want to vomit, and jump out of my body, to escape. They are like fingernails down the blackboard.
The negative neuroplastic changes are activated, so that within fifteen minutes these painful thoughts are deconstructed, and unable to be remembered. The narrative of the horror is uncoupled like train carriages so that it cannot run through my mind in its entirety; only brief partial events are able to flicker across my conscious mind's screen.
The deep, wailing grief is just below the surface, just on the other side of me closing my eyes to sleep. Through the night I awaken suddenly startled, and immediately think "where am I? What's happening?". The nightmares of watching another helpless person being tortured (me, metaphorically) makes me wail, and I wake up sobbing.
Sometimes the grief engulfs me in a wave during waking hours, but I have no more tears for me. Another's suffering will touch me deeply, and my tears will pour out for them.
It's an extremely lonely thing to have.
I read in another place someone had written: "I'd rather have a broken arm than have PTSD, because at least there'd be a way to heal it, and an endpoint to the suffering.
I sighed, "how true".
I could add that it would be easier to show to others and have them understand.
Thank you! This was helpful. Was having this issue with my husband the other day. He tries to understand, it's just hard for him because he has never gone through it and has a very pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move on mentality, which has served him. Doesn't quite work that way with trauma though. And sometimes, like in my case, it's not a clearly horrible or disturbing event or childhood that caused it. I'm learning to accept my trauma, whether or not my husband is ever able to really understand.
In nearly every account I read and I did read all in their entirety, I found I was relating to some aspects of all of them.
I have just finished a mental health group after 6 years. Prior to the group was a year of one on one counseling. For me it began as a "GRIEF" group. My husband of 30 years had passed away in 2011 and I'd gone off into the deep end of the depression pool so to speak.
A friend said I needed to get help so I saw a counselor who came to my home for a year. That's how I got into the group.
The counselor was retiring.
In a way she pushed me out of my nest (comfort zone) and into the world. This woman really needs a big thank you! I Just realized that just now. She gave me a great deal to think about and "hit the nail on the head" so many times! That nail had been poking me all my life and I ran from it as if the devil were chasing me!
One day she asked me if I had ever been diagnosed bipolar. I laughed, probably sounding very weird. My biggest fear had finally surfaced and I was NOT willing to admit I was like my mother.
She was bipolar and a lot more.
The group counselor also became my one on one counselor which was a good thing. Too many people in my head just makes my whole being hurt. Seems weird to say but "GROUP" was a good thing! I was in a safe place and I didn't have to focus just on me!
I discovered I wasn't alone with my GRIEF. Or my tears. Seems like I would never stop crying. What I thought was the loss of my husband of 30 years, (over half of my lifetime), wasn't the whole story. It turns out it was my whole life I was in mourning for.
After a few months of counseling and group I asked to see the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bipolar and PTSD. I knew something was really really not right! I could feel inside of my being it was more than just grief. I KNEW it was time for me to face my biggest fear, Mental illness! It runs deep in my family.
I knew I had depression and back in the 90s PCP's really didn't address or really didn't want to discuss mental issues. I was put on Wellbutrin to stop smoking and "by the way" the PCP said, "it also helps with depression." After 12 years of taking the med and levels never being checked, I had a full blown manic attack. The psychiatrist took me off Wellbutrin with the warning to never take meds for depression. Even though bipolar is a type of depression it is very different!
The nightmares were getting worse and I was disassociating. I had been doing that most of my life but I didn't know it. I just couldn't remember most of my childhood. Just bits and pieces and like a puzzle they were starting to come together, clicking into place. The abandonment abuse issues by my mother, rape by a teenager at 5 or 6, Foster Care and more abuse. Being bullied and then getting in trouble for fighting; defending myself. I was labeled an encouragable (spelling) child.
It all fostered what was yet to come. I'm 67 years old now. The nightmares have subsided and I don't cry all the time. I can talk about my husband and I again have our wedding pictures out. My little 5 year old Me knows I love her and will protect and provide for us and not blame what we had no control over. Forgiveness of myself is very important. It has been really hard to accept that my mother was an unfit parent. Her illness kept me from seeing it because I could accept "illness". Forgiveness of others is not totally a done deal, but mostly I have accepted what is. I can't change what happened in my life. I have come to the understanding of this fact as it applies to me. I will probably always be very aware but not always hyper-vigalent.
PTSD is what it is to what ever degree the individual person is experiencing it. It's not the same for everyone. It's not a "just get over it and move on" like GRIEF issue others have. They react to to both issues because they are uncomfortable and by ignoring it it will go away! Ignorance isn't the answer. Knowledge is! Thanks to you all for sharing! God bless you all!