PTSD and Dissociation: What You Need to Know

I always stood just behind myself. Amazing to still hear the validation from others out here.

I have this everyday. I thought it was brainfog. Well I feel that my soul is stuck in Iraq and I just go through the motions to survive each day. The Gulf War has changed me forever. I must fight on in order to provide for my family.

I am a disabled veteran with PTSD. I have been to a treatment center in the Tampa/St.Petersburg FL area at a VA Hospital. I know it has saved my life. My dissociative problem had gone far enough that I was experiencing auditory hallucinations. They were absolutely terrifying. Today, I have the tools to cope with it one day at a time. I'm not crazy! There are solutions and help is out there. Thanks for this wonderful resource as well . One more tool to help me continue to thrive rather than just survive.

[...] the US who struggle with symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder then you probably know exactly what it feels like to dissociate. When a situation, emotions or triggers cause you to feel overwhelmed, anxious, frozen or terrified [...]

These reports of how it really is - so true. The dissociation for me was also reflected in my dreams where I was outside my body, observing. Also addressing recovery, I noticed big changes of improvement while reading a good book or watching an intellectual movie the second or third time around after being in recovery for several years. I recognize more subleties and complexitites i missed before. My brain is healing, slowly but surely. And using any kind of chemical mood alter sets me back.

I didn't even realise that this is something I can get better from. I thought it was who I am. I've suffered for so many years I don't remember living before dissociation.
This has challenged me hopefully for the better.
Seems like such a long journey to be "normal" again :(

Hi.
We are doing a documentary movie, to play in Alberta on a major tv network, about PTSD, both with veterans and civilians.
We still are in need of a few PTSD people that are willing to talk about what worked and what did not work.
Please be in touch as soon as possible, if interested. We hope to film no later than Jun 15 2013.
joanne at internoodle.com

I remember the second I realized a large part of me stayed in iraq. We were loading up on the chinook to leave our forward observing base. I watched as we lifted into the air. Tears in my eyes not wanting to leave that hell. I had already lost so much there. Too much blood had been spilled for me to leave. I feel like my soul jumped from the helicopter and saluted me as I flew away.

Dissociation is a HUGE problem for me since I've had PTSD. I can't find any help through therapy. Talk therapy makes my symptoms worse, and it's all that's available when I reach out for help. I had EMDR soon after the trauma and it helped with things like flashbacks and panic attacks. Now, 8 years later, I never feel safe and I haven't for a single moment since this happened. I didn't think it could get worse but it continues to do so, year after year. While I've never planned or thought of suicide, what is happening is more and more damaging dissociation. If I try to make myself stay present, I get so sleepy I feel drugged. If I tell doctors or therapists, they seem to not believe me. No one understands I have been in crisis for this long - 9 yrs now. WHAT CAN I DO?

Wow, I am so pleased to have stumbled across this website. My current boyfriend had told me that it was in his opinion that I am suffering from PTSD as a result of just having come out of an abusive relationship prior to him and really a life of experiencing trauma. I've been looking into the symptoms of PTSD now and realize that all of this feeling isolated, that I can't relate to anyone, these feelings of hopelessness aren't me, they aren't who I am or make me, they are results of my experiences and I hope this realization will help me to recovery. When I was just sixteen years old, I was terrified for my sanity because I was experiencing dissociation. I couldn't put myself back into the world, I wanted to close my eyes and wake up from this nightmare where there seemed to be a film between me and the rest of the world and other people. I remember going out for coffee with a friend and being outside of my body and the situation. I was terrified. I'm glad that I finally know what it was and that others have experienced it too. Thank you.

Thank you so much, Michele. My words feel so insufficient to express how much your video touches my heart and encourages me. I've spend my whole life blind to the roots of my suffering. I always assumed I was born bad or defective. I even have a degree in psychology. It's much easier to see it in others, but I didn't realize I could be so blind to myself. Now I know it was my subconscious protecting me to help me survive. That I was fighting a war that was long over. That I projected so much of my rage of being hurt by others long gone...that I turned on my own loved ones. I became a monster to the very people who wanted to help me. My lashing out was always followed by guilt and despair with affirmation that I really was horrible. Eventually, I developed physical disease and autoimmune illnesses. I ended up with a post-doc intern clinical psychologist for help with adult ADD; clueless to what was really destroying me and my loved ones. Low and behold, he is trained in trauma, and over the last year he has gently guided me on the toughest, most necessary journey ever. At times the pain that comes through is crippling, but as any good therapist would, he allows me to go at my own pace. In our very first session, I warned him that I would lie to him, because it's so hard to say things I don't think others want to hear. I'm glad I did, because now I can say, "well, I've been lying to you about "x"...it was really more like this". It helped ease my natural tendency to just keep appearances. We have lots of work to do. It's messy at times but mostly rewarding to finally integrate and meet my true self. Thank you for believing in all of us.

I have flashbacks everyday. I have nightmares everynight. I rock all the time. I get lost in time.

It's very difficult because our brains try to reduce access to the thoughts and memories that are overwhelmingly painful, terrifying, or utterly repulsive to us. Our brains produce fewer neurotransmitters to facilitate not remembering, but then we have difficulties with organising ourselves, time perception, and remembering the things we need to and want to.
It's frustrating.
I have great respect for PTSD as a trauma-survival mechanism. It keeps adults from being overwhelmed with despair and pushed to suicide as a way of escaping the excruciating emotional and mental pain, but long term it's self-limiting. The person is unable to manage intellectual complexities that they were formerly very capable of.
I think that being able to sleep, having proper sleep cycles, and being able to feel safe are the starting points for recovery. These are difficult to achieve when your financial situation has collapsed, and your social support similarly has disintegrated. That becomes a new trigger of shame and stress.