Eating disorders and loneliness. It is not something we speak or write about often. It is painful to think about being lonely. But I believe people with eating disorders are often very lonely. It is the nature of these illnesses. But it doesn't have to be  this way. I would like to shine some light into these dark corners of loneliness, and perhaps help other people with eating disorders feel less alone.

The glare of the dressing room's lighting was unforgiving and pointed out every flaw — real and imaginary — on my body. My thighs were too wide, my stomach too round, and my overall body too short and squat. I didn't have the flawless, smooth and stubble-free underarms and legs of a magazine model. I wanted it to magically become wintertime again so I could hide my body under leggings, loose jeans, and oversized sweaters. I kept telling myself that the sizes didn't matter, that these labels were an arbitrary measurement most likely chosen with little thought by some clothing manufacturer in China or Taiwan. But part of my mind wasn't buying it. As I stood contemplating the clothes and the various sizes surrounding me, I felt a little dizzy and my first inclination was to run as fast as I could from the dressing room.

PHP IOP NG Tube AN TPN IP AMA . . . The first time I was hospitalized for anorexia nervosa was in June 2008. I left after 24 hours — AMA. The second time I was hospitalized for treatment my doctor informed me I would need a TPN. I was totally clueless about the acronyms and terms. It can feel like you are swimming in a vast sea of alphabet soup when you first enter the world of eating disorders treatment.

My therapist said to me today, "This is your recovery." Each person is unique, and that includes people with eating disorders. There may be a checklist of symptoms, but how an eating disorder manifests itself in each person is different. It is logical that each person's recovery process from an eating disorder also would be unique. Then why do I find I compare myself to others in recovery and often feel I come up lacking?

It was inevitable. The first step in recovery from anorexia nervosa is weight restoration. I knew that I had to gain weight and that it eventually would be noticeable.  I often wanted to crawl in a shell like a turtle during the early stages of my weight gain because I felt so different. So much larger. I took up too much space, and I still wanted to hide. I wasn't entirely comfortable in this new body. However, I slowly grew used to my body with its feminine curves, and several times I would look in the mirror and think how much better I looked than when I was emaciated and skeletal. But I knew what was coming... One day I was in the bathroom with a friend. She commented that the new weight looked good on me. Unfortunately, she didn't stop there. She then went on to point out the slight roundness of my stomach, and helpfully suggested I could wear looser clothes if it bothered me. It hadn't bothered me until then. But this seemingly innocent comment reverberated throughout my mind days afterward.

As a writer and online blogger, I often wonder about the power of the words. I write about eating disorders and recovery, and hope and pray that my words reach out to people and help them feel less alone as they struggle with eating disorders and recovery. I know it is a hard struggle because I have been going through it for four years, and I have tried to convey both the truth of that struggle and the certainty that recovery from eating disorders is attainable through my words here. I am honored and proud to have received the Web Health Awards Merit Award for "Surviving ED." I dedicate this award to all those out there who are doing the hard work of recovering from their eating disorders. This blog really belongs to them, and they are my inspiration as I sit down each week to write.

On December 28, 2010, I started the process of recovering from anorexia nervosa. Many people ask how I was able to get started when I was going through a multitudes of stressors. It really was very simple at its core—I woke up that morning, made my breakfast, and proceed to eat one bite at a time. It has been that way ever since.

For months, I have felt consumed by anxiety and depression. I would sit down to write something, only to feel that the blank screen was taunting me. I would attempt to read something for graduate school, but could only manage to read a few sentences until my mind wandered off into nothingness. At its worse, I would pace the house and twist my fingers into knots, trying to will away the anxiety and do something, anything, useful. Today it hit me — anorexia nervosa has stolen key parts of my life and now I must fight to reclaim myself.

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2011 ends Saturday, Feb. 26. Each year as it draws to a close, I always think about what I and others have gained from the presentations, articles, and other activities devoted to helping people understand eating disorders. The prevailing message each year is one of hope and belief that eating disorders do not have to rule anyone's life.

Developing anorexia nervosa in my early forties still feels a bit surreal. As I begin to recover and regain health, I am looking for answers that might not ever be found. Why would a woman with no previous history of any eating disorder suddenly fall into the hole of anorexia starting at the age of 41? Like Alice in Wonderland, I have been moving through the strange world of anorexia perplexed by my very presence here. The questions continue to hammer at my brain.