Mirror triggers are one of the many triggers in eating disorder recovery. Two common themes for those with eating disorders are a repulsion of fat and negative or distorted body image. Recovery includes adjusting our thoughts and feelings around these two, in spite of eating disorder triggers. It’s important to note, however, that no two people recover exactly the same way. Last week we talked about weight gain during recovery and viewing ourselves in the mirror (How to Deal with Weight Changes In Eating Disorder Recovery). One person told me that that they couldn’t look in the mirror because it made them want to cry. This made my heart hurt because it’s an honest, raw, and legitimate feeling. Many of us have experienced this feeling, myself included, and it’s a source of deep sorrow. So, how do we keep moving forward with mirror triggers in eating disorder recovery?

Dealing with weight changes in eating disorder recovery is tough. I remember standing in the dressing room at the mall, staring at myself in the mirror. Tears slid quietly down my face so no one would hear, or ask if I was okay, or if something was wrong. How do you explain that your body doesn’t feel like it belongs to you? How do you tell them that your body used to be thin and clean but now bulges where it shouldn’t, collects and pockets, and juts out towards the walls, taking up space? How do you explain this when they think you look fine, good even, while the inside of your head is screeching, “You fat, disgusting pig?" You may want to read these tips about how to deal with weight changes in eating disorder recovery.

Have you considered a simple mantra for eating disorder recovery? Eating disorder recovery can feel like a battle -- because it is. We choose to go against the destructive voice that was once our friend. We choose to sit with uncomfortable feelings and emotions, and not reach for our easy coping tool. We choose to live in our bodies as they shift and change and as they learn to regulate and be without the disorder. Some days it’s tough, but we have to keep in mind what we’re fighting for. We have to keep in mind our end goal. Having an eating disorder recovery mantra can help (Mantras and Recovery: Mind Over What’s The Matter).

When you have an eating disorder, you need to know what to tell an eating disorder treatment decision-maker. After all, having an eating disorder sucks and being worried about affording, or being denied eating disorder treatment, adds to the suckiness. During my stay at an inpatient facility, one of the girls threw up blood, and still, her insurance kicked her out after 11 days. Another girl with anorexia was there before I arrived and stayed after my release. To insurance companies, people are words on a page. They don’t know us. Even if they saw a picture, they might think we’re fine when we’re not. What they don’t know, is that just because we don’t look like a skeleton, it doesn’t mean we’re not at risk of dying. Here's what eating disorder treatment decision-makers need to know.

Some of us believe eating disorder lies. A teacher of mine likes to say that we all have an 18-year internship. That internship teaches us the models from which we view the world. These models of relationship, love, family, connection, etc., are the ones we blindly replicate unless something intervenes. For thousands of us, something did, in the form of an eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder). We can either be upset about that, or we can see it as a sign that something is awry. We have the opportunity to take a closer look at eating disorder lies, if we choose. 

Why would anyone resist eating disorder recovery? Wouldn't eating disorder recovery be better than an active eating disorder? Afterall, when we think about eating disorders, the terms laughing, cheerful, bright, glad, or content don’t make the list. For those of us who’ve been living with our disorder for a while, there’s a helplessness, hopelessness and self-doubt, which kicks us down the stairs of depression with an eating disorder. We’re not stupid. We know we’re missing out on life. Yet fear pokes us with a sharp stick taunting, “What if you never recover? You’ll get fat. You’ll spiral out of control.” Terror of the unknown keeps us frozen in place, or moving with icy limbs. There’s a simple reason we resist eating disorder recovery. Once we hear it, eating disorder recovery won’t be the same.

I’ll be honest, when I was faced with buying a new phone a few months ago, a major factor in my decision was the selection of phone apps available for eating disorder recovery. I’d previously had a Windows phone, which offered very little in the way of available apps of any kind, much less for eating disorder recovery. So I finally joined the rest of the world and bought an iPhone. I’ve spent the last month or so downloading different eating disorder recovery apps and trying them out – here’s what I have found.

My anorexic brain is positively screaming at me not to write the next sentence of this because it is so shameful. I have gained weight. Don’t be mistaken – I have been maintaining a healthy weight for my body for almost a year so this weight is extra, unnecessary, too much. My brain is shouting, “Fat!” at me almost 24 hours a day. Right now, more than anything, I’d love to scrap my recovery and throw myself headlong into eating disorder behaviors. But I have to focus on recovering from my eating disorder even when I want to quit.

Around Christmas, I invited you guys to consider whether or not you are putting your recovery from an eating disorder as your first priority. I hope you were able to take some time and really sit with that question and come up with an honest answer for yourself. I have. That’s the thing about putting your eating disorder recovery first – you need to regularly check in with yourself and see if you are still putting your health and recovery first. And if you’re not, you need to figure out how to change that.

When I first embarked on the long road that is recovery from anorexia, I did so half-heartedly. It was something I thought I "should" do, so I just went through the motions. I saw my therapist. I saw my dietitian. I went to a support group. But aside from that, very little changed.