Let’s face it: setbacks aren’t fun, and they can feel especially un-fun when they’re mental health recovery setbacks. Building resilience in mental health recovery can help with that. Resilience sounds like such a big thing, but all it means is the ability to bounce back from difficulties. 

A quick Google search will show numerous schools of thought on building resilience. Given how complicated it can be to deal with mental illnesses and mental health challenges, I say we take a simple route.

Three Rs of Resilience in Mental Health Recovery

I stumbled across the three Rs of resilience on a people management blog, but they can be shaped for building resilience in the face of mental health recovery setbacks. The three Rs are: reflect, reframe, and reach out.¹

1. Reflect: Looking Back Without Judgement

When a mental health setback occurs, part of building resiliency means reflecting without judging it—or yourself. Reflect to figure out what may have triggered the setback and how you reacted to it, and recognize that what you feel is valid.

Reflection helps you plan how to cope with similar situations in the future to avoid setbacks and even leads to accepting that a setback is a part of the recovery process. Accepting that my mental health recovery may have setbacks has given me the strength not to get down when they happen.

2. Reframe: A Setback in Recovery Isn’t Failure

If you see setbacks as failures, I get it. Watch the following video for why we need to reframe that line of thinking.

3. Reach Out: Find Strength in Your Support Networks

Reaching out to a trusted person in your support network can be a great way to let someone know what you’re going through. While this could be a counselor or therapist who can offer advice, it could also just be a best friend or family member who’s able to offer emotional support with a hug, a favorite snack, or sit quietly with you.

Wash, Rinse, and Repeat to Build Resilience in Mental Health Recovery

The beauty of these three Rs is that they don’t need to be completed in any particular order. Maybe sometimes you’ll want to reach out first after a setback, or maybe you’ll want to take a moment to reframe how you’re thinking about the setback to give yourself space for grace. The point of the exercise isn’t to do things in a specific order but to build resilience for mental health recovery.

Source

1. Reitsma, T. (2022, November 4). Build Resilience Using The 3 Rs Technique. People Managing People. https://peoplemanagingpeople.com/articles/building-resilience/

As I work through my healing journey, I've noticed some specific triggering elements that leave me feeling uncomfortable. Even as a young child growing up, I remember the emotions of mistrust and suspicion when trying to determine if someone's words and actions were genuine. My trust issues from child abuse made it almost impossible to tell the difference between a lie and a joke.

One particular situation that continued to haunt my childhood was when an adult would play a joke on me by telling me something that wasn't true. Once it was revealed that their words were fake, I felt betrayed and considered them a liar. At one time, I confronted the person and told them it was a lie and it wasn't right, only to be told that it was a joke, it wasn't a big deal, and I should relax. I didn't know then that my trust issues clouded my perception of a person's intentions. 

Trust Issues After Abuse 

Unfortunately, this feeling of mistrust carried through into adulthood for me. I would regularly face individuals at work, school, or in public situations that would say something they thought was funny. My lack of ability to trust people has made it difficult to distinguish between simple jokes and harmful verbal abuse. 

While I would like to believe that everyone I meet has good intentions, more often than not, I am suspicious and scrutinize their words. I am aware I spend more mental energy picking apart conversations from my days to examine if they were authentic or come from someone who wanted to mislead me or keep something from me. 

I know now that it is common for verbal abuse victims to feel betrayed and lied to when people they know try to joke or tell little white lies they think are funny.

Trust Issues After Abuse Make You Ask 'Is It Me or Them?'

Every situation is unique, and there is not one definite answer when it comes to joking, lying, or simple fibs. Trusting what other people say is challenging if you are recovering from a verbally abusive situation. While one circumstance will have you overreacting to an innocent joke, another could indicate verbal abuse. Therefore, you must try to be impartial and examine each occasion without jumping to the common conclusion that your brain is accustomed to. 

One helpful tool I've found when facing these confusing situations is to talk to my close friends and my partner. I commonly ask them if they think a person's words are harsh or if I am overthinking the conversation. Having another person's perspective is helpful for me to step back as I heal from my past trauma. 

So, if you have trust issues after suffering verbal abuse, you aren't alone. These feelings are common, and it will take time to work through them as you heal from the pain and betrayal you experienced from someone in your life. However, with supportive people around you, like friends and family or a professional therapist, you can move toward a life with healthy relationships. 

Seasonal depression is a hot topic during this time of year, and seasonal depression and stigma rear their ugly head simultaneously. It wasn't until recently that I could put a name to all the unpleasant and lonely emotions that I felt as the days became shorter and the weather colder--I guess I can thank mainstream media for that. The fact of the matter is that many individuals experience varying degrees of seasonal depression. So why do people still attempt to debunk the phenomenon and call seasonal affective disorder fake? Stigma around seasonal depression, that's why.

What Is the Stigmatized Seasonal Depression?

Seasonal depression, or seasonal affective disorder (SAD), is a specific type of depression related to seasonal changes and begins and ends at about the same time every year.¹ 

The most important thing to note is that seasonal depression goes beyond the "winter blues" or moodiness. Painting the disorder as such invalidates the struggles of individuals suffering and amplifies judgment. Roughly three percent of the general population experience seasonal depression. Likewise, the disorder affects 10 to 20 percent of individuals with major depressive disorders and 25 percent of people with bipolar disorder.²

The symptoms of seasonal depression vary. With that said, some common signs of the disorder include but are not limited to:¹ 

• Feeling listless, sad, or down most of the day, nearly every day
• Losing interest in activities you once enjoyed
• Having low energy and feeling sluggish
• Having problems with sleeping too much
• Experiencing carbohydrate cravings, overeating, and gaining weight
• Having difficulty concentrating
• Feeling hopeless, worthless or guilty
• Having thoughts of not wanting to live

Numbers and statistics aside, seasonal depression is real because of the humans who experience it and their emotions.

Taking a Deeper Look at Stigmatization of Seasonal Depression

Much like the parent disorder, major depression, SAD faces a significant obstacle in the path of progress: stigma. Although mental health is more widely discussed and understood today than in years past, stigma is still tied to the illness. Personally, the most irritating stereotype surrounding depression is that it's easy to get out of or is simply a "funk." 

Depression is more than a funk, a brief period of lack of motivation, or moodiness.³ Depression is a disorder. It took me a while to accept that I could not--regardless of how I tried--will my way out of it. I needed resources, therapy, and medication to get to the healthy state I'm in today. It's frustrating that a lot of people don't get that.

Seasonal depression is not an excuse. It is not laziness. These falsehoods and biases stand in the way of many individuals seeking and obtaining adequate help to beat their battle with depression. I call on you with the utmost urgency to be an ally, not a barrier.

How I Cope During the Winter Months

With less sunlight, colder days, and the onset of seasonal depression, some days can be challenging to navigate. Knowing your tendencies and triggers is a great way to get ahead of the effects of SAD. For me, sunlight is crucial to my mood and motivation levels. In the winter, I make a point to wake up at sunrise and get my dose of fresh air and vitamin C early in the morning. I also like to embrace the coziness and holiday season that comes hand and hand with this time of year.

Although there are many resources and valuable tips and tricks to combat seasonal depression, I know better than most that sometimes, that's not enough. If this resonates with you in any way, I urge you to ask for help. I promise you are not alone in your struggle.

If you feel you may hurt yourself or someone else, call 9-1-1 immediately.

For more information on suicide, see our suicide information, resources, and support section. For additional mental health help, please see our mental health hotline numbers and referral information section. 

Sources

1. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) - Symptoms and causes. (2021, December 14). Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20364651

2. Seasonal affective disorder: MedlinePlus Genetics. (2019, May 1). https://medlineplus.gov/genetics/condition/seasonal-affective-disorder/

3. Adame, S. (2017, September 20). Overcoming the stigma of seasonal affective disorder. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2010/sep/14/seasonal-affective-disorder-stigma

I am always anxious around the holidays because of my schizoaffective disorder, but this season I have the added anxiety from arthritis in my knees.

Despite My Anxiety and Arthritis, I Still Love the Holidays

Let’s start with what I love about the holidays. I love seeing my family. Many of them come in from out of town. My sister, Laura, her family (including their cute dog, Jasmine), and my brother, John, visit over Thanksgiving. And John and my other brother, Billy, with his entire family, come in for Christmas.

That said, I sometimes get overwhelmed by the crowd over the holidays. I used to sneak up to my old bedroom in my parents’ house, where the festivities occur. But I won’t be able to take the breaks in my retreat this year because the bedroom is upstairs, and going up and down stairs is painful for my knees.

I think that this year I may sometimes need to put in my earplugs. I do that a lot at noisy restaurants. My family knows I have schizoaffective disorder and anxiety, so I’m sure they’ll understand. I mean, they’re part of my support team, along with my friends and doctors. Also, I was unable to go to two of Laura’s sons’ weddings because of my anxiety and the stress of noisy parties. And they still love me. My youngest nephew--Laura's son--is engaged, though, and I really want to try to go to his wedding. I want to make it to at least one of my four nephews’ weddings.

Another thing I’m looking forward to at the holidays is the food. I’m on a diet to take pressure off my knees and lost 16 pounds. I’m going to throw my diet to the wind, however, on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas. I usually get antsy to leave around the time dessert is being served, but I really want to eat dessert this year, accompanied by a cup of decaf coffee. I guess my husband, Tom, and I can bring some pumpkin pie home with us, but I really want to try to stay for dessert at the family home. Taking it back to our apartment wouldn’t be the same.

My Family Understands My Schizoaffective Anxiety and Pain from Arthritis

I can’t stress enough, though, that my badly arthritic knees are bad for my anxiety. I can barely walk on some days. And the anxiety, in turn, is bad for my knees. So, since I’m especially anxious right now, I’m worried I’ll be a bad guest. But, as I’ve said, my family understands. Laura and her crew (and probably John) are taking the train to downtown Chicago on Black Friday, and she invited me to go with them with no pressure. I said my knees couldn’t handle it. She understood. Honestly, though, I haven’t been going downtown on Black Friday for the past several years with the family gang because of my anxiety and dislike of crowds.

My anxiety has kept me from going to large gatherings for years. I really hate to say this because I hate that it’s true, but now it seems my arthritis gives me an excuse everyone else outside my support system can understand.

Is it possible to stop self-harming without therapy? As someone who walked the road of self-harm recovery alone for many years, I can tell you it's possible—but that doesn't mean it's your best option.

I Stopped Self-Harming Without Therapy

Like many people who self-injure, I suffered in silence, both when hurting myself and when I decided to stop. I skipped right over the step where you're supposed to build a strong support network of friends, family, and medical professionals and worked through the long and difficult process of healing on my own.

And guess what? It did work. I was able to stop self-harming without going to therapy.

But there are a couple of caveats to this story that you should absolutely pay attention to if you're thinking of skipping out on therapy yourself.

First, while I didn't attend any professional therapy sessions, I studied a bit of psychology in both high school and college, and I did my best to incorporate everything I had learned into my approach to healing. A bit of studying, of course, is no substitute at all for an actual degree—or real experience in the field. But having what knowledge I'd gathered from my classes did give me a few therapeutic tools right off the bat that I could use to get better. Without that bit of extra insight, I think I would have been pretty lost at first.

Second, while I didn't let anyone in on my secret for many years, that didn't mean I was flying fully solo. I had a support system; they just didn't know all the details of what I was going through. So while I didn't talk about my self-harm, I did force myself to talk about some of the other things I felt and did that were related to my self-injury. Knowing people cared was enormously helpful, even if they didn't always know what I was up to.

Finally, you need to know that I did eventually go to (online) therapy—it just didn't happen until I'd already been clean from self-harm for many years. I also didn't start therapy specifically for my self-harm. By that point, I was more focused on the bigger picture of my depression, some grief I had been struggling with, and my anxiety—all things which could easily have led me to relapse if I let them spiral too far out of control. Luckily, I've been able to avoid that outcome thus far.

Should You Try to Stop Self-Harming Without Therapy?

One thing I want to stress is that while I am a living, breathing example that some people can stop self-harming without therapy, that doesn't make it the right choice for you. Heck, I'm not convinced it was the right choice for me. Healing is already difficult. Trying to heal yourself without help is even harder.

But of course, the flip side of this argument is that therapy isn't the right choice for everybody, either. It may not be the right choice for you.

But if you haven't tried it yet, I would urge you to do so if you can. Whether you visit a local counseling center or seek therapy online doesn't matter; the point is to try it and see if it works—because it might. For many people, it does. I know it helped me, even though I waited longer than perhaps I should have.

Make sure, if you do give it a try, that you give yourself (and your therapist) enough time to clearly see how things are going before you choose to stay or go. One session may not be enough; try and attend a few, if possible. Keep in mind, too, that finding the right therapist is paramount to success here—I consulted with two before ultimately finding someone who seemed to understand me truly.

That being said, if therapy doesn't work for you, don't give up. It's not your only option for recovery; you can stop self-harming without therapy if you need to. Just know that it will take time, patience, and lots of practice.

Symptoms of dissociation can be terrifying. One night, I had horrific acute, prolonged panic symptoms, and in an out-of-body utter state of confusion, I looked at my husband and asked, "Are you going to have me committed?"

What Dissociation Felt Like for Me

That's a question I never thought I would ask anyone, let alone my husband. Sitting there on the bathroom floor, readying myself for the next bout of dry heaves, suffering tremors, agitation, racing heart, rapid breathing, chills, sweats, and more, my misery went to a whole other level. I felt myself detaching from myself. I knew I was there, but I felt like I was elsewhere. I knew who my husband was and that he loved me and wanted to care for me, yet I recoiled when he leaned toward me. He seemed a stranger.

What I didn't know at the time was that I was dissociating, something that, thanks to my therapist, I now know happens when our psyche is trying to protect us from harm, including extreme stress. Learn more about how dissociation feels to me in this video.

I have bipolar disorder, and I never ghost people. "Ghosting" is a slang term for when someone cuts off all communication. Some people may doubt that I don't ghost people based on my bipolar diagnosis; however, believe me, I am not a "ghoster." Moreover, I'm not the only one. Just because a person has bipolar doesn't mean they will ghost you.

In 2019, a blogger here, Hannah Blum, wrote a piece and did a video about how ghosting is a big problem in those with bipolar disorder. This piece has spoken to many people and has been on the list of the most popular posts for many weeks since then. I don't argue her main point — I think people with bipolar disorder do ghost people sometimes. However, I think it's important to remind people of the word "sometimes."

Why Would a Person with Bipolar Ghost You?

I do think people with severe mental illnesses are more likely to ghost others. In the case of bipolar disorder, I think this is because of the extreme mood states that we experience. When a person is in an extreme mood state that prevents them from getting out of bed, it's understandable that it can also prevent them from picking up the phone or firing up the computer.

There are many other complex reasons why a person with bipolar might ghost as well, including:

• Being wrapped up in a mood like hypomania or mania to the extent that you don't even think of communicating with others
• Feeling too personally worthless to feel worthy of communicating with others (from self-stigma, possibly)
• Avoiding rejection by rejecting others first

And I'm sure there are many other reasons tied into bipolar disorder too. 

Why I Never Ghost People Despite Bipolar Disorder

I hate it when people ghost me. I find it sends my anxiety into overdrive and actually physically hurts. When someone I care about stops communicating with me, I feel like it's my fault and that they hate me. I feel terrible about myself. It's all I can think about until it gets resolved. I never ghost people despite bipolar because I never want anyone else to feel like that. And honestly, it makes me quite annoyed and even angry that other people are so selfish that they seemingly don't care about those ramifications.

I do understand that how I feel when someone ghosts me is my problem. But I also understand that ghosting makes everyone feel crappy, even if my bipolar disorder and I take that to a new level. And really, no matter whether ghosting makes a person feel a little bad or a lot is irrelevant. I never ghost people because I care about it either way. 

In short, just because a person has bipolar disorder, that doesn't mean they will ghost you. Some people might do that. But I have bipolar disorder, I never ghost people, and I never will. 

Each year, as the calendar flips to November, I'm hit with a reminder of how complex the holiday season feels in eating disorder recovery. Of course, that's not unique to those with a history of eating disorders. This time of year can be overwhelming for anyone. In 2021, three out of five surveyed Americans felt their mental health worsen over the holidays, with 60 percent noticing a rise in anxiety and 52 percent noticing a rise in depression.¹ Now couple all that with eating disorder stressors or behaviors, and this hectic season can become even more fraught. So with the 2022 festivities just around the corner, let's acknowledge it: The holidays are complex in eating disorder recovery—and that is alright. 

I Don't Want to Ignore How Complex the Holidays Are Anymore

When I was younger, the entire holiday season was a loud, boisterous affair that left me exhausted. I come from a large Italian family that loves to cook and eat while discussing the number of calories they cook and eat. At the holiday tables I grew up around, it was normal to commiserate about foods we "should not" consume or how much "damage control" we would have to do later as penance for the meal. As a child, I always found this ritual unpleasant, but when anorexia took hold of me as a teenager, the pressure of those conversations became downright untenable. The problem was I could never quite articulate my own distress, so I just fumed in silence with a calm, stoic mask plastered across my face.   

Back then, I learned how to ignore the mental and emotional toll the holiday season took on me. I forced myself to smile and laugh at all the food-centric banter while pretending I wasn't about to crumble from anxiety on the inside. I thought my role in the family was to accept this normalized status quo, even if it slowly broke me. But I feel much differently now, and I will not hesitate to shut down (or walk away from) a harmful conversation. Moreover, I'm done acting as if the holidays are effortless to navigate because—at least, in my experience—they aren't. I no longer want to fake ease, comfort, or detachment. I would rather give myself permission to own that holidays are complex in eating disorder recovery. 

I'm Learning to Care for Myself When the Holidays Feel Complex

There might come a time when this season is no longer a source of tension or overwhelm. But as of right now, the holidays still feel complex and often wearisome to maneuver. I am not ashamed of this, but I also refuse to compromise my eating disorder recovery. So I cope with an abundance of grace. If I need more self-compassion than usual, I receive it. If I need time alone to decompress, I take it. If I need a certain boundary in place, I enforce it with no apologies. Those actions are far outside my comfort zone, but I can choose to love and care for myself in the midst of a complex holiday season.

Source

1. Holiday 2021 Stress Report: Increase in Anxiety, Depression & COVID-Related Stress. (2021, November). Sesame. https://sesamecare.com/blog/lowering-holiday-stress-2021

Everybody can feel overwhelmed from time to time. Whether problems are work- or home-related or of matters entirely unrelated, modern living can tax us physically and emotionally. And, while feelings of overwhelm aren't the sole preserve of people with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), emotional dysregulation can act as an antagonist for me--especially when it comes to dealing with modern challenges. In other words, ADHD can add to my feeling overwhelmed.

I Lose Objectivity Thanks to ADHD

For me, becoming overwhelmed almost sneaks up on me. Quite often, it springs from benign events, and before I know it, I wind up in mental places I shouldn't be anywhere near. On occasion, I allow innocuous things to morph and grow into problems generated by my mind's eye. Thanks to a fertile imagination, I can make problems worse by dwelling on them for too long and losing a sense of objectivity.

How I Combat ADHD-related Overwhelm

Luckily, when I do get overwhelmed, I can row things back with a few time-tested methods.

I Go for a Walk

I'm blessed to live quite close to a park. It's a sprawling affair: huge tracts of grassland, acres of dense woods, cleaved up the middle by a big river. A basic pathway hugs this river and creates a loop I can walk around in about one hour. That's plenty of time to absorb some nature and allow my subconscious to chew on whatever problem is bothering me at the time. Throw in an elevated heart rate generated by a brisk walking pace, and the whole event is a success for body and mind.

And, having got home--showered, eaten, and sat down to a mug of tea--my problem never seems quite so terrible.

I Talk Things Over

If I'm lucky to live near a lovely park, then I'm especially lucky when it comes to confidants. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I can call on a few people to talk to--a few people whose judgment I trust. Not only do I get catharsis from the act of talking, but I also get another vantage point on my problem. In most cases, these people offer a more objective analysis and help me reorient my thoughts about whatever is bothering me.

I Sleep on It

Sleep is the great restorer. No matter how bad something seems, I always feel in a much better position to solve problems after a great night's rest (and a great afternoon nap).

Getting plenty of exercise helps me get a great sleep. This sleep helps me exercise, and so the cycle goes. Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed, I think about how much worse off I would be if it weren't for the twin powers of exercise and sleep.

How do you deal with overwhelm? Do you exercise? Do you nap? Let me know in the comments.

We are right on the verge of Thanksgiving and the holiday season. It's such a great time to reflect, not only on the year overall but also on how my ability to cope with my anxiety has progressed. A helpful strategy that I've really taken the time to focus on this year has been practicing gratitude and how feeling thankful has helped me manage my anxiety levels.

Why Thankfulness Is Helpful for Anxiety

Something I have learned about practicing gratitude is that it can help me feel calm when I am feeling anxious. Usually, anxiety and focusing on the negative aspects of things go hand-in-hand. Staying positive becomes difficult when symptoms of anxiety are distressing and make you feel constantly uncomfortable. And, when you deal with chronic anxiety, it can be even harder to focus on anything positive, even though you know that doing so is helpful.

Practicing gratitude helps reduce stress and increases positive emotions through the boost of brain chemicals that make us feel good.¹ One of the reasons that I think this happens is because, when we focus on things that we are grateful for, we are intentionally thinking about something that elicits that precise emotion. I think this is more specific than simply trying to think of something positive.

Ways to Be Thankful When You're Anxious

While I know, through the literature that I've read, that practicing gratitude isn't some sort of magic remedy or cure for anxiety and that it takes some time to build resilience, I also know that it is a helpful tool in my toolbox of calming strategies.¹ And right now, being thankful is timely for this particular time of year. These are some simple ways to practice gratitude that I've found helpful to incorporate into my life:

1. Use something visual. There is something reinforcing about writing something down that you are grateful for. Being able to visualize that which makes you feel thankful seems to bring out those positive emotions that help to reduce focus on anything negative. I've found that pictures or writing out objects of gratitude is extremely helpful for me.
2. Meditate. Taking the time to sit in silence and think about what you are thankful for can also be helpful. This helps to stay grounded and focus on the moment. Just taking a few minutes to practice this is a valuable strategy that can help increase the frequency of experiencing gratitude benefits.
3. Make it a daily practice. It is helpful to practice these things on a daily basis, and not just during this time of year when we tend to be quite thankful. That is not to say that we can't still feel intentionally grateful during this time. However, taking the time each day to think about things you are grateful for in your life can help to build resilience.

I am thankful for being able to use gratitude to help calm my anxiety symptoms and reduce the anxiety I experience.

Are there things you are particularly thankful for this year that have helped to reduce your anxiety? Share your strategies for practicing gratitude in the comments below.

Source

1. Chowdhury, R. B. M. A. (2022, September 9). The Neuroscience of Gratitude and Effects on the Brain. PositivePsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/neuroscience-of-gratitude/