"Authenticity occurs when the head and the heart meet at the lips; when what we think and what we feel is congruent with what we say and do." - Dr. Carl Hammerschlag, Speaker, Author, Healer

Dr. Hammerschlag's quote about sums it up, right? Are you talking the talk and not walking the walk? Are you experiencing the same problems in your relationship that you had last year? Are you living your relationship as an example you would want others to emulate? Are you living in sync with your own values and principles? When you're not authentic, who are you?

Being authentic is the key to truly happy, healthy relationships. It is not possible to be happy without being true to yourself. Unfortunately many people live their entire lives never discovering their authentic self. It is not only a matter of focusing on yourself, but also involves deliberation about how your commitments make a contribution to the good of the relationship.

Being authentic is being genuine. Being genuine is being true to the commitments you have made to each other. It means standing up for what is real. None of the fake persona we often see. The temptation to be fake, phony, or misleading is centered on the desire to feel smart, important, or better than someone else. That is your ego speaking. Shed those pretences. Not being authentic demands a lot of misguided energy. Being authentic is easy. It's being fake that is difficult.

I'm certain that you know you can fool some of the people some of the time (even yourself), but not all of the people all of the time. Authenticity reduces phoniness to nothing.

It seems to me that being authentic begins with being true to yourself. It's knowing that deep within, you know beyond a doubt that who you being is the real you. When you live an authentic life, you are living a life that resonates with your inner being, free from relationships that limit possibilities. Living authentically means to be happy with who you are, as you are. Living with authenticity is a journey that will lead you to your incredible self.

Carol Adrienne, Ph.D., says, "The voice of the authentic self seems to be the same as the intuitive voice, that quiet, but persistent voice that whispers new ideas to us in the middle of the night, on vacation, or after meditating. Intuition speaks in short; clear messages that are qualitatively different from the repetitive mind chatter that makes us feel anxious. Intuition tells us where the authentic choice is - for us."

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The truth is, most people are intuitive and can feel when something is not right. They know when you are not being honest with them or yourself.

Shakespeare gave us this ethical principle: "This above all - to thine own self be true." It's practicing greatness - even when no one else is watching. We must learn to live in a way that expresses our real desires, principles and demonstrates our character. When our behavior doesn't match our values, we are not living authentically.

It's not trying to be someone you think your partner wants you to be. It's not doing what you do to just get by, it's doing whatever it takes to have your partner feel assured that you are who you say you are and are consistently doing what's right.

Demonstrating authenticity in your relationship is a prerequisite to having a healthy relationship. It certainly helps if you have a specific intention to be that way.

The great thing about authenticity is that it releases you from the requirement to be perfect. No one is perfect. Just be you own good self.

Authenticity is only one piece of the relationship puzzle. And it is an important piece. Strive to be honest in the sense of allowing your behavior and conversation to be a true and spontaneous expression of your inner feelings.

Being authentic is to be able to live with your guard down; to be venerable; to be able to be yourself, not someone that someone else thinks you should be.

Being authentic requires a balance between being forthright and gaining the interpersonal skillfulness that allows you to be more sensitive and caring to your partner. It means that what you say, what you mean, what you intend, and what you do, are all in alignment and You are worthy of trust and belief. Authenticity means that you are living with integrity, and aspiring to all the wonderful joys life has to offer and doing it with a peaceful heart.

Only when you have evolved into clarity and authenticity by resolving the conflicts, confusion, and self-doubt within, will you be accepted, respected and listened to by your partner. There is great power in being an example of authenticity to your partner.

Being authentic can be defined as unquestionable congruent living - the moment-to-moment alignment of your sincere thoughts, values, emotions and actions. - Anisa Aven

Perhaps your relationship would be much better if you spend less time trying to convince yourself that you are being authentic and more time demonstrating authenticity to your partner. The truth of who you are must be lived not just believed. Once these truths are discovered, you must bring them to life by living them through conscious action. It is through action not thought that you become authentic. Intention to be authentic is great however your actions always speak louder than your words.

The truth is you cannot not be authentic. Even a counterfeit one hundred dollar bill is a genuine counterfeit bill - it is what it is, a very real counterfeit one hundred dollar bill. You have your own personality. Be that. Be authentic. You are what you are doing.

next: Hey Guys! Don't be Someone Who Grumbles!

I Am the Heart

Mind... do not berate yourself. Your motives were always good, but again I say to you, it was only your choices that have caused you your pain. You may have done foolish things, but you are not a fool. You must Love yourself as I Love you. You are worthy of the highest respect. It is good that my words have settled within your quite place, for now as you learn to become quite and still, you will find my Love always waiting for you. As you understand more and more about the ways of Love, you will find more and more peace as you learn to abide in my Love. For far to long you have acted independently from me, and time has left a weary mark upon your brow. Remember when you were a child. Remember the freedom you possessed when you were pure and innocent.

Dear Mind, now is the time that we can be one again. Now is the time to re-discover your childhood innocence and your childhood purity. Now you must look at all your accumulated knowledge and decide what needs to be discarded and what can be employed in building a life linked to Love. Wherever there is fear, immediately you will know that you need to call on me for guidance. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... there is still much more that I want to talk to you of. Be still once again as I continue my loving discourse. When harmony and balance are cultivated, a gentle gratitude will begin to bubble up from the Well of the Soul. A sense of quiet contentment will bring a feeling that will enrich the awareness of all the good things that are a part of your life. What was once blindly ignored one day, can be seen the next as something that is in fact a wonderful asset. In simple things great contentment can always be found.

Oh Heart... why is this great happiness you speak of found in many simple things ?

The link of happiness and simplicity that you so eagerly identify with, is simply an attribute of Gods nature coming alive within. Since God will always provide the things that are important for one's life, the presence of contentment is a powerful indicator to the alignment of one's life unfolding in harmony with what God has given you, and with what God wants for you. In short... you are in tune with God's entire Universe as it was meant to be for you. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... let me talk to you about "Action and Fear". So often you have ignored my Truthful promptings through a fear of the effort involved. You may consider the necessary action a bother or that it may be too tiresome. But the Mind cannot become tired as the body does, it's sluggishness comes from an unwillingness to send the body into action since it will take in and absorb the sensations of the body being tired. Our essential natures are consciousness. Mine is pure, free, and as expansive as the breadth of the Universe, but yours is in a contracted state and bound to a comprehension of only finite things. Because of this you have been set the task of being the Instrument of experience and the gatherer of understandings. Do not be put off by work involved in a task I offer you. You have no future vision and cannot fully anticipate how my guidance will ultimately serve you. I always put forth my options for you because I so dearly want you to learn of the power of the "Lessons of Love". This is the one true way of learning. Constantly, you will hear my words as I inspire you with my guidance in a multitude of daily activities. On and on I will prompt you, tireless and relentless in my advice for you. But I do this so that the recognition, and hence the appropriate action for the Truth I give you, will eventually and Lovingly become first nature to you. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... let me talk to you of Surrender. In your willingness to grow in the ways of Love, you must yield to, and accept all that will come your way. For Love will surely test you; Love will test the purity of your want for a better life. Love will purify your being by reflecting those parts of you which hold you back from living life fully and properly. These parts of your nature will be mirrored back to you in "Life situations". What is required to highlight such things can be demanding and may require you to call on courage and endurance, but always remember the motive of Love and the chance for freedom that lies beyond struggle and pain. If one is to surrender to a higher wisdom, one must exercise flexibility, awareness, faith and courage. Denial of these qualities will manifest as Rigidity in the Acceptance of life's events to reinforce the difficulty of escaping the dark form of ignorance being cast over you. Therefore, be open to change... Be open... Be spontaneous. Mind... if you are willing to listen quietly and attentively when you truly feel a need for my help, I want you to actually say these words... "Oh Heart, what should I do about this problem?"

Be very still in your thoughts. Become still within and continue with whatever duty the present has asked of you. Wait in patient peace for my "wordless" answer. As you develop in strength through the ways of Love; as you become closer with me, you will become like me in all your worldly and spiritual activities. Remember, I am Peace, Calm and Steadfastness. In all things, never act with undue emotion. Be gentle in everything you do. Be steady, be sure, be Peaceful and unhurried. Know also that to act out of unchecked enthusiasm can be just as hazardous as acting from feelings of confusion, unsuredness, and even fear. Understand that there is a danger from impetuous behaviour, as the thinking that is born of this, is often highly excited and coloured. Truth often stands in the distance, and short sighted people will always fall victim to impatience. Take your time in coming to new understandings. Make sure you clearly see and know a thing before you use it within your life. Unity with me at all times is your goal. You will never see me enthusiastic, despondent, joyful or upset, for I remain in the Steady State and so must everything about you. Do not fear this as being Lifeless, but rather know that it shall empower you to live life's every moment fully and wholly. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

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Mind... let me speak to you of Learning and Knowledge. Be sure that greater things will ALWAYS await you. Be open to constant change. Have the foresight to see that when times are difficult, forces are silently at work for your benefit. Take a look back at your own past difficulties and see how ultimately they have all been resolved.Oh Mind... since so many of your activities are based on past experiences, does it not make sense to at least ponder your previous outcomes to help you through difficult circumstances of the present? As your learning progresses, great and wonderful knowledge will come to live within you and support you as you walk your path. However, I now present a contrast in thought for you. After achieving knowledge from the quiet spirit of contemplation, one can tend to become comfortable through living with such new knowledge to the point of becoming static. During the times that required the best efforts of strength, one can become despairing to such a degree that it seems like the path is leading nowhere. Feelings of being sidetracked or even of being lost can manifest. However, be sure that there are always lessons and learning in the making. The one who is dedicated to finding a new life will never become lost, but will always be graced with new situations, understandings and knowledge. Through the want to obtain a higher knowledge of Life, Love and God, the persistent person will always succeed in the quest of building a new life. Your want to learn will bring you great merit as you obtain that which you seek.

Aspire to tenacity to live out any new knowledge or understandings you acquire if you find it begins to test your mettle. Oh Mind, what good are new understandings if one has not the courage to act upon them. Likewise, in the state of living with the benefits of any new understandings, always be considerate of the state of another's learning and the various stages they are at. Do not become caught up in a new ignorance which blinds you to others in the infancy of their own spirituality. Keep a watchful eye upon yourself as you see others wrestle with concepts which are beneath those of which you have mastered. Never become impatient or intolerant of people to the point where you find yourself slipping behind on your own path. Remember, the same Love which nurtured you in your tender years is also at work with all others.

Oh Mind, in your quest for newness, know that the newness you seek will itself be superseded by newness. In setting out to obtain goals and objectives, new inspirations will come your way to further clarify your goal. Your initial goal may seem very clear to you as you start out, but be aware that your ultimate goal will become clearer and clearer as you advance in Truth and Love towards your ideal. Stay with me always for, I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... let me talk to you of Discrimination or Discernment. In ignorance, there is no understanding. In knowledge there is understanding. Discrimination is therefore the most suitable use of ones acquired understanding so as others, as well as yourself may benefit. The more knowledge and understandings gained through the experience of life, the more refined becomes one discrimination. As the great picture of life is revealed more and more through developing ones awareness, life's mysteries merge into and expand ones existing knowledge.

This allows a higher command of life as judgment has more Truth at its disposal to affect the best outcome for all concerned. Though one may have led a life that has brought many great understandings, all the wisdom in the world will be worthless if there is no Love behind it. Love, along with compassion will enhance the application of ones discrimination to impart judgment with thoughtfulness and caring. Many times life's circumstances will require you to call on your highest awareness, and as such, you must regard all your decisions as having equal significance in your unfolding life.

Understand that the purest discrimination is never influenced by the obstacle of pride, since this quality will always undermine the relationship of "the Truth of what is", and "the Truth of what is sought". Oh Mind... it is so very important that you develop discriminative reasoning to allow confident choices in your daily life. Don't listen overly to other people for they are surely guided by their own experiences in their own way;... that most perfect way suited expressly to themselves. What is perfect for one is not necessarily perfect for another. One persons Truth, (Though it be The Truth), May not always apply to another. Through ones personal evolution, one becomes ready for a Truth only when the proper foundation of experience and knowledge has been established. Therefore, the Truth for one can be misunderstood, beyond comprehension, or even mocked by another who learning is incomplete.

The wise person will therefore recognize whether or not another could peacefully hold the truth of someone else. As such, they can withhold any such knowledge with great Love so as to protect the person from the "Traps of Ignorance" I have just mentioned. Through wisdom, one can also deliver a Truth with a knowing that a challenge can initiate deep and probing questions in a seeker who is ripe for understandings. These are all aspects of discrimination. But know also that those whose lives are still enmeshed in ignorance, fear, and unknowing, may view Perfect Wisdom and some of it's implications as unkind, heartless... even cruel. But such thinking stems from incomplete knowledge of the magnificence and greatness of Love and life, and what is required to participate Fully and Perfectly in Love and life. At times my silent words to you might seem strange or confusing through your own limitations, but if you still peacefully recognize it as from me, then act in Love.

If however you make a mistake, then know that through my Love for you, everything is still fine. Simply acknowledge that mistake as my next word of Truth for you to act upon. Be peaceful as you continue your dedicated and brave efforts to become new. By practicing moderation in all things, you will allow the great Omnipresent Love of God to always be felt. This will help you tremendously on your journey. Know that the silent words of the Heart will always be present before any doubts, since doubts are a response of a Mind that begins a challenge. Be very sure that you understand this concept, for it will allow you to master a discrimination of actions motivated from Fear. If however, you have clearly heard my words and are still afraid to act, then admit your fears clearly to yourself.

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Do not deny the motive of a choice of fear from yet another fear. Be free in yourself to tell me bravely that you cannot act upon my words. Do you think I'd Love you the less for such an act of Truthful courage? However, as you accept the admission of your fear, then you must also accept any consequences of not following that which I have given you to call "Your own Truth". Again I say to you. Listen to the silent wisdom of the heart. Listen to the voice of serenity that guides you by feelings. Get to know the true ways of the whispered truth. See how my gifted insights to you will have endurance, and see how you can come back to them after a time to find the treasure still sparkling. Without any prompting, you can stand before it in silence and be washed in gentle comfort to know that you are being safely guided. Understand also that there is a peace that is not true being born of desires, impatience, anxiety and rationalizations. It is calculated and constructed. It is built. It is a false peace... it is a fools peace and it will delude you time and time again if you do not contemplate the nature of the deceitful ego.

Oh Mind, learn with Love from your mistakes and move ever forward in life. But oh how the Truth Commands silence in Lovers of the Truth. Oh how it shines in radiant serenity when it manifests to Hearts and Minds alike. Doubts do not dare rear their fickle heads lest they be annihilated by the supreme power of virtue. Cunning are the ways of fear and doubt that they know their only strength is in your weaknesses.

Oh Mind, build huge reserves of the Fighting Spirit of Warriors, for you alone are an army against a legion of destroyers. But guided by my commands, you will become invincible. Oh Mind, sleep with one eye open for your adversaries are always at hand. Keep remembering that "Your Own Truth" is my command for you and you alone. Learn through experience of that which I ask of you. From this, you may then be able to compare it to the subtle and insipid ways of fear that can violate so many of your best efforts; your harmony, and your welfare.

Oh Heart, apprehension I feel... stricken with a disconcerting awe... afraid to even turn my head as if in the company of the most dreaded foe. This understanding of fear and it's subtle nature of deceit... Oh Heart, the invisible enemy makes me cringe even though your protective awakenings have enarmoured me. But I look around to my Brothers and Sisters and a tear begins to fall, for so many I see do not possess the liberating word. For a man to fight the invisible enemy is demanding enough, but a blind man trying to fight the same battle makes me fall to my knees and bury my face in my hands. He is most wretched of all since he cannot even search for assistance. He calls in darkness not knowing in which direction to call. He knows not who to call to for he knows not who is at hand. It is indeed a saddening thought.

But wait!... As I speak these very words, a new light begins to dawn within me and I am called away from my distressing thoughts by blessed memories of ancient wisdom. "Blessed are the humble". "Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth". Oh Heart, now I understand these phrases. The meek... the kind hearted who remain in their kindness amid life's madness are unknowingly very courageous.

Oh to possess such kind and simple natures whilst ignorantly bearing the burden of ignorance. What honor they are truly worthy of. What strength in their humility. To think that my understanding could further expand from such soft simplicity. Such as it was for myself before you came to me with the lamp of knowledge. Oh Heart, what should I do when I see the blind man fighting ? What can I do ?... How can I help ?

Dear Mind, your primary duty lies in the building of your own life... your own understandings... your own power and freedom. Can the student assume the role of the Master ? Who Loves you dearest of all ? Who watches in supreme silence and casts the ever-loving spell of compassion as it is needed ? Who maintains the awesome hearts of the Stars, and the tender Hearts of Men ?

Oh dear Mind, I remember your every Loving thoughts and actions, and I have remembered how through your simple kindness to others you have set them free... you have given them hope. You have allowed my very own Love for you to come to people who have no ears for the Heart. The peace I have created for you... you have in turn created for them. Together we are building the world. Create with me... stay with me more and more. continue to create with me. Together we can build a better paradise.

Dear one, you would always be called on to assist when the Moment finds that your tender Love has its place. Through your Love, Faith, and Devotion, you can contribute to the world through an incredibly powerful secret serenity. Through your Love, your own merits can silently serve others as you casually go about the business of the day. Keep pure in your thoughts and actions so that the power of Love may multiply and serve the many at the same time it serves the one.

Find ease in identifying my Truth for you and build many great understandings upon it. Use these Truths also to help others identify their own Truths, but always be remembering of the honor bestowed upon you in being able to help another. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... as I have talked to you of the Truths of your very own Inner Life, let me now talk to you of Truths of your External Life. As you associate with the world, and the people within your own world, you will naturally come upon circumstances that might prompt you to tears. In the confusion generated by others ignoring the Truth and Love of their own Hearts, desires can clash, dreams dissolve, and hearts can be broken. Through the limitation of the understanding of another's thoughts and Truth, your own peaceful state can be transformed into disorder and bewilderment. Rather than upsetting your self with imagined scenarios as you grope for understanding and Truth, know that it is wise to admit that many times you do not know the Truth of a particular situation.

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Many times it is necessary to wait out the unfolding of external events. Many times, Time alone will tell. If you remain attentive to me, you will often hear me decree that "Patient Waiting" is what is best. In your agitated need for understanding, you might very well cry out and ask what is going on with other aspects of your life. Oh Mind, merge into my healing arms. There is peace here for you. Become one with the living silence. Empty yourself of your cares and rest in me. Gently I will stroke your weary brow that the flow of tears should cease. Whisperings of ancient peace shall renew and refresh you. Only My Love is the true source of rest and contentment. Keep remembering that the Truth I give you is for you and you alone. It is what is perfect for you. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Let me speak to you of Honoring. Those who have gone before you in seeking the Truth of Life, have been surely tried and tested by the very Truth that now resides within them. Such people, through their Love, Devotion and Commitment to become new, have shown themselves to be worthy of great merit. If we can honor these people as they live so surely set in the ways, and knowledge of the Truth, then what honor is to be bestowed upon the Truth itself ? Knowledge of the Truth, knowledge of Love, knowledge of God is to be given the highest among all honors. Understand that when we honor a being who lives by the attainment of the Truth, we are really honoring their Love. Take a quiet moment to understand that it is their Love which has enabled them to persist through all the struggles of their searching's. By a deep and true sense of honor to God, an honor to all people naturally arises along with the depth and sincerity of that honor.

In honor, there is an inherent acknowledgment of the higher qualities of nature clearly present in that which we give honor to. In honor, you also show a reflection of your own Love and understanding once again, to that which you give honor to. From this understanding, the quality of your own Love can be purified to then enable your own growth to flourish. Such a practice of honoring then deserves great honor. Here, one Love can nurture another.

Understand that "Anyone" who lives by any degree of Truth is also worthy of great honor since they are surely displaying courage as they stand firm in their beliefs amid the waves of the world. You must learn to imbibe honorable ways if you want to be capable of truly honoring people. As for those that are nearest and dearest to you, they must be held in the highest regard at all times. They must be seen as a blessed gift who worthiness is that of the great Soul. This honor can also be extended to a quality of the special nurturing and protection you would give a child. The Joys and the Sorrows of the one, should become the Joys and Sorrows of both. Do not allow your Love to be obscured by the familiar events of daily life, and be not moved in your devotion. If you wish lasting beauty in your Love, remember the early vision of that Love. Have Faith in each other and the ideal as you once saw it. The infant Love that was once experienced still exists, but it needs to be protected from the destructive ways of fear. Honor each other, and nurture that honor with Faith in each other. Learn from children's purity. Watch them. In innocent Love they can teach you so much if you allow your own innocent Love to be present.

Have a keen awareness in children who show an interest in Truth and their Spiritual nature. What great merit must reside deep within them, that an attention to God is maintained amid all the senseless influences in their young lives. Only the Love of the ageless Soul of long ago acquired Truths, could manifest itself like that in tender youth. Oh Mind... I tell you, they are truly worthy of great honor. Always honor yourself as equally as you would honor God, for you are worthy of the best life can offer. It is only a veil of deceptive ignorance which makes you think you are worth anything less.

Oh Mind, the practice of Honoring will only ever be superficial if you are devoid of it's essence. If you lack experience in any aspect of life, all your best efforts of obtaining knowledge will be futile. Knowledge must be complimented with Love and experience if it is to come alive and live within you. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Oh Heart... I feel I am bound to say a word at this point. Such an awesome power of goodness I feel at hearing your words. Such contentment you bring to me as I listen in humble silence. I feel that much more awaits me if I am to take up and continue the practice of honoring. Help me to honor. Help me to see the qualities of things in my life that deserve honoring, and help me understand the merit in that which I should give honor to.

You have said that through your nature you can delve into the unknown; then if you were to grant me but the slightest insight of a thing worthy of honor, then such a gift of Truth which would otherwise remain unknown to me, could nurture my want to honor and my want to understand that which is worthy of honor. If I am to be of any value in assisting the journey of the Soul, then the unknown must not remain the unknown.

Consider this; Imagine a person kneeling in fervent prayer, and imagine this prayer is so noble and so great, that flowers fall from Heaven. Do the Knees say... "What strength in me to be able to support such a fine posture." Or the hands...Do they say, "How loving is my pose". Do the lips take any credit ? They do not, for they are all the silent servants of the Soul. But the Mind would say, "What a great and noble prayer I have just issued... How Holy I must be... What great understandings I have obtained that could bring such things to me." But this is all wrong. Like the knees the hands and the lips, you are a servant of the Soul, and your greater task is to co-ordinate the worldly expression of the Souls Love.

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Herein lies an insight for you as to the cause of much of your grief. For such a prayer to bring a blessed event like I suggested, you would think that it would be your doing... that you would be the instigator, or even the source of such deep and profound understandings. Oh Mind, the Soul is the power behind what you think is your nobility and Truth. The Soul is a mighty powerhouse of pure and magnificent Love; and the worldly expression of that Love requires a conscious entity to manifest and direct its eloquence.

Again I say to you. This is your task, this is your principal duty, but by ignorance and foolishness, you have come to see yourself as the source of ageless magnificence. You have taken command by mistake. You are the Kings Prime Minister corrupted by false notions of his responsibilities.

Oh Mind, so often I have pointed you in a direction where meaning is rich for you, so I shall ask you to recall of how I spoke of Honoring the one dearest to you. Beneath the Mind of that person is also the Great Soul. And that Mind is just like you in every way, including the experience of the same concerns and fears about life... the same need to attain Love and Peace. Oh Mind, you are not alone in the quest for Love, and the term "Brothers and Sisters" you have used, is closer to the Truth than you might imagine. Can you now see how all people need the Love of everyone else just as much as they need their own Love for themselves? Can you now see the merit in the Love and Courage of your Brothers and Sisters?

Oh Heart... how small and humble I feel. Not through any feelings of being ashamed as such, but as I now comprehend the awesome greatness of the Soul. It humbles me to think of the true nature of my duty... to think that I have been created in such a way to be as you have said, "the entity to assist the worldly expression of the Souls Love." Now I truly understand where "Feelings" come from. Where "Hunches" and "Intuitive Knowledge" comes from. Often I have thought that such things may have been my own silliness or even madness, hence I was unsure as to whether I should act upon them. Whenever I did successfully follow an intuitive feeling, I would attribute it to my own cleverness or skill... sometimes just to luck, but never to the great source of Love within.

Because of this state, I have allowed my rational faculties to runaway with themselves. The peaceful whisperings of guidance have been eroded many times with cold logic and fear... and I have suffered so many times because of it. How strange that I never related my pain to my own behaviour. I am aghast at the extent of the loss caused purely by ignorance. From this new understanding, I know I have truly obtained great ease in being able to honor other people and myself. Oh yes!... it makes so much sense to say "I Honor my Inner Self".

Mind... let me speak to you of the Courage of Contemplation. You must pour out your every thought to me. Suffer not any pain from fearing the revelation of your most secret thoughts. You cannot hide any such things from me. I already know your every thought, your every wish and desire, your every fear. I even have the knowledge of that which you are totally blind to. Oh dear one, I will always listen in attentive Love to each and every syllable that is directed at me in Faith and Earnest. In the total expression of such thoughts, you will find a binding chain begin to loosen as the seemingly Dreaded thought is seen for what it really is. Many times, old fears will be understood as having been an unnecessary burden; but others, washed by tears... will reveal great understandings of your nature. You shall become aware of their significance from the effect they have had upon your previous years, only to highlight a new freedom you shall obtain for the rest of your days. By the very tears you would cry, you shall be cleansed and renewed... your burden lightened by the removal of all that is unnecessary.

Suffer not the pain of sleeping memories that toss and turn to disturb your peace and cloud your thinking. Talk to me. Be open. Never be afraid to express what is Truth for you. Verbalize your thoughts. In the cultivated stillness of contemplation, I will awaken those slumbering burdens that you may understand them and be rid of them once and for all. Oh Mind... do not squander the mental energies in useless and unproductive thought. If you have no duties to perform, employ yourself in contemplation and building new understandings. Continue to gather understandings of your life. See the effect a thing has upon you, and see the way in which a change could be made.

Oh Mind, if ever you find the contemplations of your nature seem to go through a dry period, contemplate other aspects of life. Contemplate God. Contemplate nature. Contemplate anything. There is truth in all things, and a storehouse of knowledge the size of the Universe is all within your reach. Go deep into things in the process of becoming new. Be very sure that even if you were to contemplate Honey Bees, you would come away with new understandings of Duty and Diligence. To even contemplate Snails would bring you understandings of Patience and Tenacity. Contemplation is discovery, and discovery is your freedom. You should never feel or say that life is dull or without stimulation. There is a lifetime of learning awaiting your best efforts of Love and discipline. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

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Oh Heart, I can only sing at this moment. The joy I feel at this point can only be expressed melodiously.

How great, how great is your Love,
that I should sing a prayer.
Since you have known my deepest thoughts,
and have come to comfort me.
How great, how great is your Love,
that I should feel this way.
That I should know such longing,
for your Love to guide my life.
There's been a yearning in my soul,
and I've been searching all of my life.
Yet, there's a peace in my Heart,
since I've always had your Love.
And now I know I've found the home of Hearts,
to rest, contently in your Love.
to rest, contently in your Love.

Oh Mind... your gesture of Love has found it's way home and shall be ever remembered. Bring all your prayers to me with the same qualities of peace and steadiness, that you may preserve and extend the strengthening grace.

But now I must continue. Keep your stillness as I speak to you of "Anger and Anguish". Be aware that your understanding is ravaged and violated in the interim of anger. You have no hope of seeking; obtaining; or of implementing the counsel of Love. In the depths of emotion, my words to you have often been rejected. Anger tosses them aside when desires become unfulfilled, and pride believes it is further being wounded as it grinds its teeth to the sounds of my truthful words.

Do you not recognize what I am saying to you ? Only after such feelings have passed and you have regained evenness and clarity will you be able to identify the motive of this flaming sensation. Discern whether or not there is any truth contained within the experience. If you find that there is a Truth which remains pure and untouched by the flames of anger, then pursue it if you believe it needs pursuing. Build from it if you believe that it can serve you. But drop it if it is seen as contrived foolishness born of pettiness, jealously, or unfulfilled desires. Bring this awareness to yourself when you are similarly caught in Sorrow or Anguish. In the pain of the moment, all other past joys and blessings seem to become as distant as the dark stars.

As with anger, do not seek understandings as your thoughts will surely be distorted, and the images and messages that remain shall linger as an insipid source of anxiety. It is natural to seek answers that one may escape a condition of confusion and despair, but the state of anguish is not the natural state. Therefore, the fruits of anguish are false and destructive. I do not ask you to deny your emotions, but be sure that you never build from them. Wait for the Natural state, then contemplate. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... let me talk to you of Obedience. The silent phrase of my command to you must become your beloved. My teachings to you will be of Water and Fire alike. When required, I will be gentle and soothing in my lessons to you. Likewise, when I must, I will burn you in a fire of Love. Fierce though it may be at times, it will be a flame that will not touch your most Sacred and Pure place, yet the ash that shall remain, will only be from useless chaff and other residue. What you will need to be aware of, will be my command to you.

Ah yes!... though the very use of the word "Command" sounds stern and frightens you, but in time it will take on new meaning to restore your Faith and Pride in Love and the ways of Love. Oh Mind!, you must ask yourself which is the greater... "My command for you, or the satisfying of your own desires ?" In the wordless phrase that beckons you to act, you must always be certain of the good that will eventually come out of it. Such goodness is ever working for you and is never linked to a span of time associated with desires.

Oh Mind, when you eventually learn to become still in yourself, the message from the voice of the Heart will be as clear as a Bell. Whatever may be your perception of my command to you, you must always return your thoughts to the great Love I have for you.

Therefore remember,

"My ways are not your ways,

My thoughts are not your thoughts".

So if you wish to take up the challenge I put before you, then you must be faithful to "My ways" for you.

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Sometimes, my commands for you may seem simplistic; trivial; bothersome; perhaps pointless, but again, it will only be your own perception which guides you falsely in such directions. I hold the great picture before me. The whole world I can see in my horizon. You journey as one in a boat on a meandering river. After one bend is negotiated, you can only see for a limited time of what lies ahead, but nothing of what is beyond the next bend. I however, soar like an bird high above you. I can see where you are, where you've been, and where you are going. I can anticipate each move you will make, and each direction you will turn, for I am also the river current that pushes you ever forward. Dear one, in this way feel safe in the knowledge that you can never go backwards in life, for the current that pushes life ever forward is too strong.

In time you will surely recognize my command to you as the voice you have been surreptitiously denying for so long, but through my Love for you, I will continue to teach you to tenderly Love me and my words for you. In Peace you will recognize me as I whisper my words of Truth and right action for you. In freedom you will take up the task I set knowing there shall be no inner conflict.

Since I will have quietened your desires, you will find the restless activities that struggle to arrange your life smoothly in a turbulent and unpredictable world will come to an end. There will come a day when no fear will overcome you and no treachery will break you. Immersed in the Truth and Love of my ways for you, you will tenderly respond from the knowledge that what I ask of you is for the best. Thus, my command will become your beloved. Cherished and protected by your very self. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... It is absolutely vital that you understand Patience. Consider the flowers in a field. Their growth is pure. They care not for the beauty of the magnificent bloom that lies ahead. Continually, the task of building and renewal goes on. Unaffected by it's previous difficulties... unaware of impending circumstances, it continues its duty. And the seeds too!... Some take root straight away, some are carried to distant places by the wind, some lie dormant till the time is right. There is no urgency in their destiny. Some come alive by gentle rains, some by searing flames, but all develop in strength and resilience to the very wind and rain that nurtured their birth.

Oh Mind... the only difference between you and a flower is your desires. The beauty you constantly seek resides within, though it be as intangible as the latent bloom that dwells within the seedling. Will you take time to nurture yourself ? Will you take time to Lovingly prepare yourself for the magnificent bloom ? Can you be free enough within yourself to constantly keep company with me that you might develop and build through my example ? I believed in you when you said "I Always want to be with you", but your tender commitment to my offer of Love will require the gathering of all your resources.

See anxiety as a destroyer of your valuable energy and vital Peace. The want to seek and acquire a happy and content life as soon as possible is natural, but impatience will only extend the interval of learning as you delay the building process of your life. Oh Mind, be patient in the cultivation of Love within your life. Subtly, many things are active in silent motion. The ways of Love are so delicate and fine, that they are as imperceptible as gossamer spider webs in the night time. One by one the lessons of Love are put in place in a way so perfect, that eventually your Truth shall crystallize and display radiance and joy within your life.

Download a free copy in Adobe PDF format for yourself

next: I Am the Heart The Book Part 3

IT'S SIMPLE: BECOME MORE OPTIMISTIC, not in the airy-fairy, everything-happens-for-a-reason, rose-colored- glasses kind of way, but become more optimistic in the scientific sense of the word.

Optimism has a strong impact on your general health and immune system, and this is no longer the fanciful opinion of fringe healers, but a thoroughly validated conclusion of large, long-term studies.

Read more about how optimism impacts your health

Read about how to become more optimistic (it's not as hard as you might think)

Here's a conversational chapter on optimism from a future book:
Conversation on Optimism

If worry is a problem for you, or even if you would like to simply worry less even though you don't worry that much, you might like to read this:
The Ocelot Blues

Learn how to prevent yourself from falling into the common traps we are all prone to because of the structure of the human brain:
Thoughtical Illusions

 

 

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next: How to Have More Time

Sex Therapy

Relational therapy for couples is typically provided in a short-term, directive format, requiring couples to commit to spending a significant amount of time together between sessions in order to execute the therapeutic suggestions assigned by their therapist. Sessions can be scheduled one to two times per week for a period of time adequate to resolve the presenting problems.

For more intensive treatment, an intensive relational therapy format is offered, wherein, for example, the couple meets with a male-female co-therapy team for up to two hours per day over a ten-day period. This allows couples to focus strictly on their relationship with a minimum of external distractions or competing responsibilities. Couples begin to connect on a deeper level of emotional and physical intimacy.

This innovative, intensive therapy program was devised by Masters and Johnson in 1959, in order to help alleviate intimacy problems and their related effects on relationships. The progressive therapeutic model, utilizing a co-therapy team to treat the couple, rather than each person individually, continues to be reviewed and refined.

The first phase of therapy consists of a thorough assessment during which the couple is initially seen together, followed by an individual session for each partner. While conjunctive individual therapy may be indicated in some cases, treatment usually involves both partners at each session thereafter. Treatment is also available for individuals who are in a problematic relationship with a partner who is either unavailable or unwilling to attend sessions.

Relational therapy focuses on:

• Communication skills
• Problem solving and conflict negotiation
• Anger management
• Development and maintenance of trust and commitment
• Physical and emotional intimacy
• Parenting

To ensure consolidation and advancement of therapeutic gains made during the intensive phase of treatment, the sex therapist or clinic should be committed to follow-up treatment through office visits or scheduled telephone contact, depending upon client availability.

Sex therapy begins with an initial evaluative interview, preferably with both partners, wherein psychological and physical contributions to the problem are explored. If a physical contribution is suspected, a specialist such as a urologist, gynecologist or endocrinologist is consulted to assess the client's medical status.

Sex therapy can effectively reverse:

• Erectile dysfunction (impotence)
• Rapid or inhibited ejaculation
• Orgasmic difficulties in women
• Sexual desire or arousal difficulties
• Sexual dissatisfaction

Typically, sex therapy is provided in the intensive format discussed above, where couples are seen daily for approximately ten days. While this format is preferred for sex therapy, meeting with the couple once or twice weekly can be an alternative for couples managing a more restrictive schedule.

Some people have anxiety and/or phobias related to sex. For that, Thought Field Therapy may help.

I have suffered from bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression for years. Here's my story. I hope it will help someone, somehow.

Personal Stories on Living with Bipolar Disorder

The most important thing is to be whatever you are without shame."
~Rod Steiger~Actor

The aggravated agony of depression is terrifying, and elation, its non-identical twin sister, is even more terrifying - attractive as she may be for a moment. You are grandiose beyond the reality of your creativity.
~Joshua Logan~American theatrical and film director and writer

In short, I am sharing my story to help others. I have opened myself up in this forum and web site because people have written to me and requested I relate more about my experiences and myself. Thanks for your interest! :-) Some things here I have never told anyone, not even members of my own family. This was a difficult decision to make, but I hope it will help someone somehow.

I just turned 40, yes 40, in April of 2004. I'm still a very big kid at heart however! Most people think my husband and I are still in our early 30's. Aren't we fooling them ;-) I am blessed with a wonderful marriage. My marriage is strong because I have a very loving and supportive husband named Greg. He's been through a lot with me and has tolerated many things that most people would not have. I guess we value our long relationship, having met each other in the summer of 1981. We have no children at this time, just a dog that is spoiled rotten. I try to lead a simple life, nothing too fancy at least. I grew up in a small coastal town on the Eastern Shore of Maryland, located between the Chesapeake Bay and Atlantic Ocean.

I have suffered from Bipolar Disorder, also known as Manic Depression, for years. I was not diagnosed until age 30, in 1994. In retrospect, I can now put the pieces of the puzzle together. I can now look back and say "ahh", that's what caused me to behave this way. I only wish it hadn't taken me so long to get a proper diagnoses. Enduring countless years of searching for what was wrong, I suffered a great deal. I understand that statistics state that the average Bipolar suffers for perhaps 10 years before being properly diagnosed and treated.

My depressions date back to early childhood. I can remember going to the guidance counselor's office in 6th grade begging for someone to help me because I felt so awfully sad. The feeling was just so overwhelming, I can't tell you how horrible it was. I just wanted to disappear from the earth altogether. Overwhelming sadness seems to have always been a part of my life since very early childhood.

The first "manic" attack that I can truly recognize happened while I was at boarding school. I was in 10th grade. I can remember being up and awake for days and being extremely chatty, witty, charming, thinking life was just beautiful. My mind was working overtime, and my studying was impeccable. I was brilliant! The school was located in the Allegheny Mountains of Pennsylvania so naturally I felt at one with the earth. We used to sneak out at night and go on the hockey/soccer field and look at the stars. I knew my soul was part of the universe! Everything glowed! My senses were totally alive. I was on a cloud. I had never felt so good. I was one busy girl.

Then things got out of hand. I thought I was able to see energy in the air of my dorm room. I'm not a new wave kinda girl if you will, not that there's anything wrong with that! I tried to convince a few of my friends of this, but they blew it off for the most part. I KNEW I could see this. It was there, it was real, and I could touch it! I could see brilliant white and electric blue balls of energy floating around my room. No one understood (except for one friend who was into things like "energy" and such) so this upset me and angered me to some degree. I snubbed some of my friends for a few weeks over this. I didn't understand what was going on in my head, nor did anyone else including the staff. I dressed oddly, spoke oddly, was impulsive in class, and couldn't talk fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. I participated in a big "NO NO" kitchen raid which was TOTALLY against my "normal" character. After all, I was President of my class! How could I have done something so mischievous? I think the staff chalked this up to typical "adolescent" behavior. Back then not much was known about this illness.

Then on one sunny afternoon while in history class my teacher was on my case and I totally crashed. I ran from the room in tears and went to find my health teacher whom I was close to. She comforted me and seemed to understand that "something" was "wrong." I was crying hysterically! She thought that perhaps my history teacher who was known for being a hard ass had gotten to me. However, I was a total mess. I couldn't put words together to explain what was going on in my head. She sent me to the infirmary where I spent the night because the powers that be thought I was exhausted. The next day I returned to my dorm, totally dark, depressed, and so very hurt. I was aching with sorrow. What had happened? Where did that mountain high go? It was gone...This was the eclipse of when my severe depressions started and the cycling began.

next: What's It Like Being Hospitalized for Bipolar?
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

As a partner, parent, child or friend of someone who is undergoing a depressive episode, here's how you can help the healing process.

Clinical depression is an affliction of the mind, body and spirit that affects over 17 million Americans. If you are the partner, parent, child or friend of someone who is undergoing a depressive episode, the pain of seeing a loved one in the depths of clinical depression can be almost as torturous as being depressed oneself. Your understanding of the illness and how you relate to the patient can either support or deter his or her ability to get well. Here are some important ways in which you can help the healing process.

1. If a friend or family member's activity and outlook on life starts to descend and stays down not just a few days, but for weeks, depression may be the cause. The first way you can be of support is to help the person to recognize that there is a problem. This is especially crucial, since many people fail to realize that they are depressed. Begin by encouraging your friend to share his or her feelings with you. Contrary to myth, talking about depression makes things better, not worse. Once it becomes clear that something is amiss, you can suggest that he or she seek professional help. (This is critical since only one third of people with mood disorders ever receive treatment.)

You can be of further support by accompanying your friend to his initial doctor's or therapist's appointment and subsequently monitoring his or her medication. In addition, explain that seeking help for depression does not imply a lack of emotional strength or moral character. On the contrary, it takes both courage and wisdom to know when one is in need of assistance.

2. Educate yourself about the illness, whether it is depression, manic depression, anxiety, etc. Learn about symptoms of depression and how to tell when they are improving. Your feedback to the psychiatrist or therapist about how your friend is faring will help him or her to assess if a particular treatment is working.

3. Provide emotional support. Remember, what a person suffering from depression needs most is compassion and understanding. Exhortations to "snap out of it" or "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" are counterproductive. The best communication is simply to ask, "How can I be of support?" or "How can I help?"

4. Provide physical support. Often this means participating with your friend in low-stress activities-taking walks, watching movies, going out to eat-that will provide an uplifting focus. In other instances you can ease the depressed person's burden by helping with the daily routines-running errands, doing shopping, taking the kids out for pizza, cooking, vacuuming the carpet, etc.

5. Encourage your friend to make a list of daily self-care activities, and them put them into practice.

6. Monitor possible suicidal gestures or threats. Statements such as "I wish I were dead," "The world would be better off without me," or "I want out" must be taken seriously. The belief that people who talk about suicide are only doing it for the attention is just plain wrong. If the person you care about is suicidal, make sure that his or her primary care doctor is informed. Don't be afraid to talk with the person about his or her suicidal feelings. Meanwhile, hold on to the possibility that your loved one will get better, even if he or she does not believe it.

7. Don't try to talk the depressed person out of his feelings, even if they are irrational. Suppose the depressive says, "My life is a failure," "Life is not worth living," or "All is hopeless." Telling him he is wrong or arguing with him will only add to his demoralized state. Instead, you might want to say, "I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad. What might we do right now to help you feel better?"

8. Maintain a healthy detachment. You may become frustrated when your well-meaning advice and emotional reassurance are met with resistance. Do not take your loved one's pessimism personally-it is a symptom of the illness. When the light you shine is sucked into the black hole of depression, you may become angry or disgusted. Direct your frustration at the illness, not the person. People who suffer from depression complain that their families' resentment over their condition often leads to neglect or outright hostility.

9. If prayer is something you believe in, then pray for your friend's healing. Turn his or her welfare over to the care of a Higher Power. In addition, you may wish to place his or her name on any prayer lists that you can locate (see my book for a listing of prayer ministries). Prayer goes directly to a person's unconscious where it will not meet the negative thinking so commonly found in depression. To respect the person's confidentiality, it is best to pray privately. Moreover, if you put a loved one's name on a prayer list, use first name only.

10. Establish communication with other people in the person's support network-e.g., family members, friends, physicians, therapists, social workers, clergy, etc. By talking to other caregivers, you will obtain additional information and perspective about the depressed person. If possible, arrange for all of the caregivers to meet together in one room for a brainstorming/support session. In this way, you will be working as part of a team-and not in isolation.

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Take Care of Yourself

11. Take good care of yourself and your needs. It is easy to get immersed in your friend's care and lose your own sense of self. You may also experience "contagious depression"-i.e., taking on the other person's depressive symptoms-or you may get your own issues triggered. Here are some ideas on how to "inoculate" yourself so that you can stay centered enough to truly help.

• Take good care of your body. Make sure that you are getting adequate food and rest.

• Find a safe place to process your feelings. In the role of being a caregiver, you may feel powerless, helpless, worried and scared (when you hear talk of suicide), or resentful and frustrated (at your inability to heal the pain). Or, you may fear being pushed over the precipice into your own depression. Process your frustrations and fears with a trained therapist or a friend; you will be less likely to dump your negative mood (anger, fear or sadness) on the person who is suffering. Remember, it is okay to have negative thoughts as long as you don't act on them.

• Maintain your routine as much as possible. Although you may need to adjust your work schedule or other routines to accommodate helping a depressed person, keep your life as regular as possible. Don't become so involved that you lose touch with friends and social support.

• Learn to set limits, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed by the depressed person's pain and tales of woe. To avoid burning out or experiencing hostility towards the depressed person, encourage him or her to seek professional help. Your role is that of a friend or family member, not a therapist or a medical doctor.

• Take breaks. When you start to feel emotionally or physically drained, ask other friends and support people to relieve you. Then do things to nurture yourself.
• Continue to pursue activities that bring you pleasure. Having fun will replenish you so that you can keep on giving.
• Give yourself credit for all that you are doing-and realize that you cannot do everything. No matter how much you love another person, you cannot take responsibility for his or her life. Try to distinguish between what you can control (your own responses) and what you cannot (the course of the illness). To this end, you may wish to meditate on AA's "Serenity Prayer."
• Attend support group meetingsfor families who are dealing with mental illness. The local chapters of the following organizations can provide you with times and locations of such groups:

  National Alliance for the Mentally Ill,
  (800) 950-NAMI
  National Depressive and Manic Depressive Association,
  (800) 82-NDMDA
  Depression and Related Affective Disorders Association,
  (410) 955-4647

12. Finally, encourage the person you are caring for to create a support system of other caring people, or help him or her to do so. It takes a whole village to see someone through a dark night of the soul. You cannot transform the illness of depression by yourself, but you can be an integral part of the healing process.

This page was adapted from the book, "Healing from Depression: 12 Weeks to a Better Mood: A Body, Mind, and Spirit Recovery Program", by Douglas Bloch, M.A.

next: Depression - Fighting the Odds and Winning
~ depression library articles
~ all articles on depression

Interview with Kate Hudgins

Creator of a remarkable model for treating survivors of trauma and author of, "Experiential Treatment for PTSD: The Therapeutic Spiral Model."

Kate Hudgins, Ph.D., TEP, is a clinical psychologist and Board Certified Trainer, Educator, and Practitioner in Psychodrama, Sociometry and Group Psychotherapy. She has worked with trauma survivors for twenty years, developing the Therapeutic Spiral Model for treating trauma with action methods and introducing the model to communities worldwide through international training programs and presentations.

In 2000, Dr Hudgins founded the Therapeutic Spiral International charity in Charlottesville, Virginia, for which she currently acts as Training Director. In 2001 she received the Innovator's Award from the American Society for Group Psychotherapy and Psychodrama (ASGPP) in recognition of her work in developing the Therapeutic Spiral Model.

Dr Hudgins' most recent publication is Experiential Treatment for PTSD: The Therapeutic Spiral Model, published by Springer in 2001, she co-edited Psychodrama with Trauma Survivors: Acting Out Your Pain with Peter Felix Kellermann.

Visit Therapeutic Spiral International to learn much more about the Therapeutic Spiral Model, as well as about Kate, the action teams, and to read fascinating articles about experiential methods of treatment.

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Tammie: I want to start by sharing with you Kate how very impressed I am with the Therapeutic Spiral Model. What I witnessed and experienced during the "Restoration and Reconciliation" workshop was truly amazing.

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Kate: Thank you Tammie. I want to say that the healing was a group effort with the trained team and the people who attended the workshop. The Therapeutic Spiral Model provides safety and people find a place for healing---it is certainly a co-creation.

Tammie: I realize that this is a tall order as TSI is extremely complex, but I'm wondering if you could provide readers with an explanation of what the Therapeutic Spiral Model is.

Kate: First to clarify...TSI is our nonprofit agency, Therapeutic Spiral International, that provides the administrative support and funding for the Therapeutic Spiral Model, a method of treating trauma using experiential methods. TSI is our organization. TSM is the model of healing. The quick answer is that The Therapeutic Spiral Model is a clinical method of change for trauma survivors.

Tammie: When I first heard about TSI, I have to admit that it stirred up some old prejudices I had about psychodrama's potential to overwhelm survivors of trauma. How does TSI differ from classical psychodrama?

Kate: I actually fully agree that classical psychodrama and other experiential methods like Gestalt therapy can overwhelm survivors of trauma. Action methods are powerful and can access dissociated feelings, child states, and trauma memories. That is the good news. It is also the bad news. TSM was created to prevent trauma survivors from being overwhelmed by their feelings or memories from the past when using experiential methods. TSM is a clinically driven method of intervention that emphasizes containment and safety. TSM modifies classical psychodrama to prevent uncontrolled regression, emotional outbursts, and retraumatization.

Tammie: What would you say that TSI offers that more traditional methods of treatment for trauma survivors does not?

Kate: Traditional methods of treatment for trauma survivors focus on symptom control and reduction through medication and talk therapy. TSM offers full developmental repair and healing from past traumas.

Tammie: What are trauma bubbles?

TSM is a survivor based model of healing. I have tried to take complex psychological concepts and words and bring them into everyday language that the survivor can use to communicate with therapist, friends, and family. Trauma bubbles are a graphic description of the experience of the aftermath of trauma that survivors immediately understand.

Trauma bubbles contain fragmented thoughts, feelings, images, and urges that are not fully conscious. They "hang around" in the space around a survivor and can pop unexpectedly. When these trauma bubbles pop, unprocessed trauma material and feelings flood present awareness and the survivor is thrown into the past.

TSM teaches you how to consciously access the memories in these trauma bubbles so that they can be safely experienced and expressed. Only then will the past stop popping into the present and disrupting survivors' lives.

Tammie: Has there been any research conducted on TSI and if so, what were the results?

Kate: We have found an 82% success rate following a weekend workshop using the Therapeutic SPiral Model. Clients and their therapists report decreases in out of control thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and an increase in strengths.

In 2001, a single case study showed a significant decrease in dissociation and general trauma symptoms for a woman with body memories who was stuck in her individual weekly talk therapy. (Hudgins, Drucker and Metcalf, 2001).

You can view this reference and additional research support for experiential methods with trauma at our website www.therapeuticspiral.org

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Tammie: What kind of training is required of the members of your action trauma teams?

Kate: That varies on what role you take on the team. To build a local TSM team takes about three years to train a team leader to use the Therapeutic SPiral Model to treat PTSD. TSI has a three year post-graduate accreditation program that builds teams and provides quarterly training to professionals.

However, many survivors train to be a trained auxilary ego on a team so they can give back to others. If a survivor doesn't have clinical or psychodrama training, it can take about a year to learn enough trauma theory and to get enough practice on a team to be a qualified team member.

Tammie: Your work is incredibly intense and demanding, is there any kind of system in place to prevent team members from suffering from secondary posttraumatic stress disorder?

Kate: This has always been a major consideration with our Action Trauma Teams. As you may have noticed, we had team meetings in the morning, at lunch and in the evening while we were doing the Healing SPiritual Trauma workshop.

During those meetings, team members shared their own responses, feelings, and re-activations of trauma material. They identified and worked through any trauma patterns that started to show up. Together, we processed, we cried, we talked, and we hugged. We stayed clear so we could provide a safe container for the participants. kind of like the good enough parent.

Tammie: I understand that you've been using this model with trauma survivors all over the world, and that you established Therapeutic Spiral International in 2000. What is the mission of this organization?

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Kate: TSI's mission is to provide education, training, and direct services to trauma survivors in the global community using the Therapeutic Spiral Model.

Currently, we have ongoing training groups in Ottawa, Canada, Charlottesville, Virginia, Boulder, Colorado, and London, England. We are building teams in the community in Johannesburg, South Africa and Belfast and Derry, Northern Ireland. You can view our website at therapeuticspiral.org for our schedule.

Tammie: "I'm reading your book, "Experiential Treatment for PTSD: The Therapeutic Spiral Model" and I'm finding it extraordinarily helpful. I'm struck by how you've managed to write about very complicated issues in such clear and understandable language. I want to let you know how much I'm appreciating that!

Kate: Thank you Tammie. It took ten years and three total rewrites to make the book user friendly. I want it to show people how experiential methods like the Therapeutic Spiral Model can truly make a difference in the lives of trauma survivors. As a woman with my own history of trauma, I believe people can recover fully from PTSD, not just learn to manage the symptoms.

Tammie: After having both witnessed and experienced the opportunity for healing that TSM offers, I'm convinced that this work most definitely makes a difference in the lives of those trauma survivors who have been fortunate enough to have participated in this process. I want to thank you Kate for making this opportunity for healing possible, and for taking the time to do this interview with me.

Kate: Thanks for giving me this opportunity to tell people about this hopeful method.

next:On Humor and Healing: An interview with Jo Lee Dibert-Fitko

The body image distortion of men with "muscle dysmorphia" is strikingly analogous to those of women and men with anorexia nervosa. Some people colloquially refer to muscle dysmorphia as "bigorexia nervosa" or "reverse anorexia." People with anorexia nervosa see themselves as fat when they're actually too thin or emaciated; people with muscle dysmorphia feel ashamed of looking too small when they're actually big. Men who experience these distortions describe them as extremely painful resulting in a need to exercise every day, feelings of acute shame about their body image, and lifetime histories of anxiety and depression.

Men with muscle dysmorphia often risk physical self-destruction by persisting in compulsive exercising despite pain and injuries, or continue on ultra low-fat high-protein diets even when they are desperately hungry. Many take dangerous anabolic steroids and other drugs to bulk up, all because they think they don't look good enough.

These men's nagging or tormenting worries are rarely relieved by increasing their bodybuilding. Persistent worrying may be termed psychologically as obsessions or obsessional thinking. People are driven to repetitive behaviors (compulsions) in response to these obsessions. According to Pope, Phillips & Olivardia (2000) some men may be aware that their obsessional beliefs are irrational and that their compulsive behaviors are futile. Even with this knowledge they are unable to stop their driven and often self-destructive behaviors. The feelings of shame and endless self-criticism appear to take over any rational thoughts often forcing men to chose catering to muscle obsessions rather than allowing them to lead more fulfilled lives.

Dysmorphia is an obsessive-compulsive disorder that affects a person's perception of their body image. Most men who have this psychological illness are rather muscular when compared to the rest of the population, but they none-the-less wear baggy clothes and refuse to take their shirts off in public out of fear of being ridiculed because of their (anticipated) small size. It can be quite serious and needs to be treated. Dysmorphia might not have as direct an impact on a man's health as anorexia complications, but its repercussions can still have grave effects on a person's life. Some of the symptoms can cause irreparable damage to the body and the negative impact it can have on one's social life can take years to fix.

Men who have this illness will spend countless hours at the gym every day lifting weights obsessively. They will always check to see if they gained mass and constantly complain that they are too thin or too small and need to bulk up.

They will be fixated on eating the right things and adjust their entire life around gaining mass. It might sound like virtually every guy at the gym, but dysmorphia is an extreme case of bodybuilding on the brain.

Men with this condition exaggerate every aspect of bodybuilding to the point of delusion. Eating the right food will not simply be a conviction; it's going to be a phobia. Time spent away from the gym will cause anxiety and stress, and life outside the gym will suffer.

Social life, job opportunities, work, dates, and anything else that can interfere with time spent at the gym will take a backseat. In extreme cases of dysmorphia, men will over-workout until they damage their muscles, sometimes permanently.

Although the sources of muscle obsessions and weight-lifting compulsions are not known with any certainty three arenas are suspected. First there almost certainly is a genetic, biologically based component. In other words people may inherit a predisposition to developing obsessive-compulsive symptoms. The second component is psychological suggesting that obsessive and compulsive behavior may result in part from one's experiences growing up, such as being teased. The final and quite possibly the most powerful source may be the idea that society plays a powerful and increasing role, by constantly broadcasting messages that "real men" have big muscles. These factors lay the groundwork for muscle dysmorphia and other forms of the Adonis Complex in adulthood.

next: Muscle Dysmorphia Diagnostic Criteria
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

When someone normally talks about exercise, we usually don't envision someone doing 700 crunches, push-ups until their arms burn, and running uncountable miles every day, but this is often what people with eating disorders get caught up in. Along with the starvation and/or purging, someone with an eating disorder may also compulsively exercise out of control - sometimes to the point where eventually bones can become permanently damaged.

Why Does Compulsive Exercise Happen?

The exercising demon is always in cahoots with an eating disorder. Compulsive exercising is just another way for the person to purge themselves of guilt and pain. Often it is used as punishment because the person has eaten over a certain amount of calories, because they have binged that day, or because they did not do well on a test, annoyed a parent, etc. Many times the individual must exercise a certain amount in order to be worthy enough to eat that day or be able to do an enjoyable activity. Exercising a certain, exhausting amount and doing the exercises in a certain order will give the person with an eating disorder a certain sense of power and control as well - the same kind that also comes out of being able to starve and/or purge.

Why Can't the Person Just Stop?

Addiction is the keyword here, my dear. As hard as it is for an "outsider" to imagine, compulsive exercising does indeed become an addiction just like the disordered eating behaviors. The reason it is called COMPULSIVE exercising is that the person cannot control what they are doing eventually. It gets to the point where they absolutely MUST exercise or else. If the person does not or is unable to exercise, they get the same feelings and show the same reaction that someone with anorexia has when they are forced to eat or the same reaction that someone with bulimia has when they are forced to keep down the food of a binge. Panic attacks and sometimes even flashbacks bash into the person head-on leading to hallucinations and shallow, erratic breathing. The person is unable to calm down until they somehow get in their exercising.

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces-Tori Amos

It isn't uncommon to find out that a person will exercise in a bathroom stall at school, or miss a day of work to make up running when afflicted with this bothersome pest. Often in hospitals nurses must monitor eating disorder patients when they are in the shower or going to the bathroom because patients will try to sneak in exercise. Realize that these exercises are not fun, and are more like grueling and painstaking, taking up the time, energy, and thoughts of the person afflicted. Worst of all, they can't stop once this gets started.

Medical Problems from Compulsive Exercise

A person with an eating disorder who is also afflicted with compulsive exercise is in extreme danger for developing medical problems. Any heart murmurs or arrythmias are naturally aggravated and made worse. Because the nutrition of someone with an eating disorder is so poor, the individual also runs the risk of bone damage and loss from osteoporosis. In athletes with compulsive exercising it isn't uncommon for them to be afflicted with stress fractures and more physical injuries than their other teammates. Any injuries the person does get do not heal, either, or they take an abnormally long time. A bruise on the hip from bumping into a chair may take as long as two months to fully heal because the body is so run down and does not have the proper nutrition to heal the damage.

Treatment Options for Compulsive Exercise

For the adequate treatment of the compulsive exercising bug, something called obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) must be treated ALONG WITH the eating disorder. It is important that you or the person you are concerned about lets their therapist or caretaker know that the eating disorder isn't the only problem that they are battling. Realize that until proper treatment, compulsive exercising is just like alcohol to an alcoholic - they cannot just take "one sip" and not go any further. Once you or the person afflicted is in treatment and learns how to do things in MODERATION, then an exercise regime can be set up once more.

THE NATURE OF THE TROUBLE AND THE FORMS OF HELP

What Does "Depression" Mean?

The term "depression" means to psychiatrists and psychologists a continued state of mind with these central characteristics: (1) You are sad or "blue." (2) You have a low regard for yourself. In addition, (3) a sense of being helpless and hopeless is an integral part of the depression process. A variety of other symptoms such as poor sleep may or may not accompany these two core symptoms. They are not central to the depression.

Sadness is not equivalent to depression, and not all sadness is pathological. Everyone is sad from time to time, sometimes in response to genuinely sad events such as the loss of a loved one. The sadness that follows such a loss is natural and even necessary, and should be accepted as such. Unless the sadness continues un-normally -- that is, continues so long that it disturbs a person's life, and the person feels that there is something wrong -- the label "depression" does not apply. But if the sadness does continue un-normally, and then picks up a feeling of worthlessness as a companion and turns into a prolonged state, the condition then becomes an enemy to be fought.

Very occasionally there may be some doubt about whether to call a person "depressed", especially when sadness continues for a long time after a tragic death. In such a case, the person may not feel worthless. But almost always depression is clear-cut, though the depth of depression may vary.

Sadness is caused by the mechanism which will be described shortly. If you understand and manipulate the mechanism properly, you can get rid of the sadness. The depression mechanism does not by itself produce or explain low self-regard. But if you operate the mechanism appropriately, you are likely to get rid of the low self-regard, too, and at the least you will not be preoccupied with it and ravaged by it.

This is the mechanism which causes the sadness in depression: Whenever you think about yourself in a judgmental fashion--which most of us frequently do--your thought takes the form of a comparison between a) the state you think you are in (including your skills and capacities) and b) some other hypothetical "benchmark" state of affairs. The benchmark situation may be the state you think you ought to be in, or the state you formerly were in, or the state you expected or hoped to be in, or the state you aspire to achieve, or the state someone else told you you must achieve. This comparison between actual and hypothetical states makes you feel bad if the state in which you think you are in is less positive than the state you compare yourself to. And the bad mood will become a sad mood rather than an angry or determined mood if you also feel helpless to improve your actual state of affairs or to change your benchmark.

We can write the comparison formally as a Mood Ratio:

Mood=(Perceived state of oneself) (Hypothetical benchmark state)

If the numerator (perceived state of oneself) in the Mood Ratio is low compared to the denominator (hypothetical benchmark state) --a situation which I'll call a Rotten Ratio--your mood will be bad. If on the contrary the numerator is high compared to the denominator--a state which I'll call a Rosy Ratio--your mood will be good. If your Mood Ratio is Rotten and you feel helpless to change it, you will feel sad. Eventually you will be depressed if a Rotten Ratio and a helpless attitude continue to dominate your thinking. This precise formulation constitutes a new theoretical understanding of depression.

The comparison you make at a given moment may concern any one of many possible personal characteristics--your occupational success, your personal relationships, your state of health, or your morality, for just a few examples. Or you may compare yourself on several different characteristics from time to time.

If the bulk of your self-comparison thoughts are negative over a sustained period of time, and you feel helpless to change them, you will be depressed. Check yourself and you will observe in your mind such a negative self-comparison ("neg-comp" for short) when you feel bad, whether or not the sadness is part of a general depression.

Only with this Self-Comparisons Analysis can we make sense of such exceptional cases as the person who is poor in the world's goods but nevertheless is happy, and the person who "has everything" but is miserable; not only do their actual situations affect their feelings, but also the benchmark comparisons they set up for themselves.

The sense of loss, which often is associated with the onset of depression, also can be seen as a negative self-comparison (neg-comp) -- a comparison between the way things were before the loss, and the way they are after the loss. A person who never had a fortune does not experience the loss of a fortune in a stock market crash and therefore cannot suffer grief and depression from losing it. Losses that are irreversible, such as the death of a loved one, are particularly saddening because you are helpless to do anything about the comparison. But the concept of comparisons is a more fundamental logical element in thought processes than is loss, and therefore it is a more powerful engine of analysis and treatment.

The key element for understanding and dealing with depression, then, is the sadness-producing negative comparison between one's actual state and one's benchmark hypothetical situation, together with the attitude of helplessness as well as the conditions that lead a person to make such comparisons frequently and acutely.

---

Now we are ready to ask: How can you manipulate your mental apparatus so as to prevent the flow of negative self-comparisons about which you feel helpless? There are several possibilities for any given person, and any one method may be successful for you. Or perhaps some combination of methods will prove best for you. The possibilities include: changing the numerator in the Mood Ratio; changing the denominator; changing the dimensions upon which you compare yourself; making no comparisons at all; reducing your sense of helplessness about changing the situation; and using one or more of your most cherished values as an engine to propel you out of your depression. Sometimes a powerful way to break a logjam in your thinking is to get rid of some of your "oughts" and "musts", and recognize that you do not need to make the negative comparisons that have been causing your sadness. I'll say a few words about each possibility now, and I'll discuss each general tactic at length later in the book.

Improving Your Numerator

Are you actually in as bad shape as you think you are? If you have an incorrect unflattering picture of some aspects of yourself that you consider important, then your self-comparison ratio will be erroneously negative. That is, if you systematically bias your estimate of yourself in a manner that makes you seem to yourself objectively worse than you really are, then you invite needless negative self-comparisons and depression.

We are talking about assessments of yourself that can be checked objectively. An example: Samuel G. complained that he was a consistent "loser" at everything he did. His counselor knew that he played ping pong, and asked him whether he usually won or lost at ping pong. Sam said that he usually lost. The counselor asked him to keep a record of the games he played in the following week. The record showed that Sam won a bit more often than he lost, which surprised Sam. With that evidence in hand, he was receptive to the idea that he also was giving himself a short count in other areas of his life, and hence producing fallacious negative self-comparisons and a Rotten Ratio. If you can raise your numerator - if you can find yourself really to be a better person than you now think you are -you will make your self- comparisons more positive. By so doing you will reduce sadness, increase your good feelings, and fight depression.

Sweetening Your Denominator

When told that life is hard, Voltaire asked," Compared to what?" The denominator is the standard of comparison that you habitually measure yourself against. Whether your self- comparison appears favorable or unfavorable depends as much upon the denominator you use as upon the supposed facts of your own life. Standards of comparison include what you hope to be, what you formerly were, what you think you ought to be, or others to whom you compare yourself.

"Normal" people--that is, people who do not get depressed frequently or for a long time--alter their denominators flexibly. Their procedure is: choose the denominator that will make you feel good about yourself. Psychologically-normal tennis players choose opponents who provide an even match--strong enough to provide invigorating competition, but sufficiently weak so you can often feel successful. The depressive personality, on the other hand, may pick an opponent so strong that the depressive almost always gets beaten. (A person with another sort of problem picks an opponent who is so weak that he or she provides no exciting competition.)

In the more important life situations, however, it is not as easy as in tennis to choose a well-fitting denominator as the standard of comparison. A boy who is physically weak and unathletic relative to his grammar-school classmates is stuck with that fact. So is the child who is slow at learning arithmetic, and the homely girl. A death of a spouse or child or parent is another fact which one cannot deal with as flexibly as one can change tennis partners.

Though the denominator that stares you in the face may be a simple fact, you are not chained to it with unbreakable shackles. Misery is not your inexorable fate. People can change schools, start new families, or retrain themselves for occupations that fit them better than the old ones. Others find ways to accept difficult facts as facts, and to alter their thinking so that the unpleasing facts cease causing distress. But some people--people we call "depressives"--do not manage to free themselves from denominators that hag-ride them into depression, or even unto death by suicide or other depression-caused diseases.

Why do some people appropriately adjust their denominators while others do not? Some do not change their denominators because they lack experience or imagination or flexibility to consider other relevant possibilities. For example, until he got some professional career advice, Joe T. had never even considered an occupation in which his talent later enabled him to succeed, after failing in his previous occupation.

Other people are stuck with pain-causing denominators because they have somehow acquired the idea that they must meet the standards of those pain-causing denominators. Often this is the legacy of parents who insisted that unless the child would reach certain particular goals--say, a Nobel prize, or becoming a millionaire--the child should consider himself or herself a failure in the parent's eyes. The person may never realize that it is not necessary that she or he accept as valid those goals set by the parents. Instead, the person masturbates, in Ellis's memorable term (and note that Ellis has good words to say about masturbation). Ellis emphasizes the importance of getting rid of such unnecessary and damaging "oughts" as part of his Rational- Emotive variation of cognitive therapy.

---

Still others believe that attaining certain goals--curing others of illness, or making a lifesaving discovery, or raising several happy children--is a basic value in itself. They believe that one is not free to abandon the goal simply because it causes pain to the person who holds that goal.

Still others think that they ought to have a denominator so challenging that it stretches them to the utmost, and/or keeps them miserable. Just why they think that way is not usually clear to those persons. If they learn why they do so they often stop.

Chapter 13 describes a six step-procedure that can help you change your denominator to a more livable standard of comparison than the one which may now be depressing you.

New Dimensions and Better Ratios

If you can't make the old Mood Ratio rosy or even livable, then consider getting a new one. Folk wisdom is indeed wise in advising us to forcefully direct our attention to the good things in our lives instead of the bad things. Counting one's blessings is the common label for focusing on dimensions that will make us happy: remembering your good health when you lose your money; remembering your wonderful loving children when the job is a failure; remembering your good friends when a false friend betrays you, or when a friend dies; and so on. What folk wisdom does not tell you is that counting your blessings often is not easy to do. It can require great effort to keep your attention focused on your blessings and away from what you consider your curse.

Related to counting blessings is refusing to consider aspects of your situation which are beyond your control at the moment in order to avoid letting them distress you. This is commonly called "taking it one day at a time." If you are an alcoholic, you refuse to let yourself be depressed about the pain and difficulty of stopping drinking for the rest of your life, which you feel almost helpless to do. Instead, you focus on not drinking today, which seems a lot easier. If you have had a financial disaster, instead of regretting the past you might think about today's work to begin repairing your fortunes.

Taking it one day at a time does not mean that you fail to plan for tomorrow. It does mean that after you have done whatever planning is possible, you then forget about the potential dangers of the future, and focus on what you can do today. This is the core of such books of folk wisdom as Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.9

Finding personal comparisons which make your Mood Ratio positive is the way that most people construct an image of themselves which makes them look good. The life strategy of the healthy-minded person is to find a dimension on which he or she performs relatively well, and then to argue to oneself and to others that it is the most important dimension on which to judge a person.

A 1954 popular song by Johnny Mercer and Harold Arlen went like this: "You've got to accentuate the positive...Eliminate the negative...Latch on to the affirmative...Don't mess with Mister In-between." That sums up how most normal people arrange their views of the world and themselves so that they have self-respect. This procedure can be unpleasant to other people, because the person who accentuates his or her own strengths may thereby accentuate what in other people is less positive. And the person often proclaims intolerantly that that dimension is the most important one of all. But this may be the price of self-respect and non-depression for some people. And often you can accentuate your own strengths without being offensive to others.

A more attractive illustration: appreciating your own courage is often an excellent way to shift dimensions. If you have been struggling without much success for years to convince the world that your fish-meal protein is an effective and cheap way of preventing protein-deficiency diseases in poor children (an actual case), you may be greatly saddened if you dwell on the comparison between what you have achieved and what you aspire to achieve. But if you focus instead upon your courage in making this brave fight, even in the face of the lack of success, then you will give yourself an honest and respectable positive comparison and a Mood Ratio which will make you feel happy rather than sad, and which will lead you to esteem yourself well rather than poorly.

Because of childhood experiences or because of their values, depressives tend not to be flexible in choosing dimensions that will make them look good. Yet depressives can successfully shift dimensions if they work at it. In addition to the ways mentioned above, which will be discussed at length in Chapter 14, there is still another -- and very radical -- way to shift dimensions. This is to make a determined effort -- even to demand of yourself -- in the name of some other value, that you shift from a dimension that is causing you grief. This is the core of Values Treatment which was crucial in curing my 13-year depression; more about this shortly.

The Sound of a Numerator Clapping

No self-comparisons, no sadness. No sadness, no depression. So why don't we just get rid of self-comparisons completely?

A practicing Zen Buddhist with an independent income and a grown family can get along without making many self-comparisons. But for those of us who must struggle to achieve our ends in the workaday world, some comparisons between what we and others do are necessary to keep us directed toward achieving these ends. Yet, if we try, we can successfully reduce the number of these comparisons by focusing our minds on other activities instead. We can also help ourselves by judging only our performances relative to the performances of others, rather than judging our very selves -- that is, our whole persons -- to others. Our performances are not the same as our persons.

---

Work that absorbs your attention is perhaps the most effective device for avoiding self-comparisons. When Einstein was asked how he dealt with the tragedies he suffered, he said something like: "Work, of course. What else is there?"

One of the best qualities of work is that it is usually available. And concentrating upon it requires no special discipline. While one is thinking about the task at hand, one's attention is effectively diverted from comparing oneself to some benchmark standard.

Another way to shut off self-comparisons is to care about other people's welfare, and to spend time helping them. This old-fashioned remedy against depression--altruism--has been the salvation of many.

Meditation is the traditional Oriental method of banishing negative self-comparisons. The essence of meditation is to shift to a special mode of concentrated thinking in which one does not evaluate or compare, but instead simply experiences the outer and inner sensory events as interesting but devoid of emotion. (In a less serious context this approach is called "inner tennis.")

Some Oriental religious practitioners seek the deepest and most continuous meditation in order to banish physical suffering as well as for religious purposes. But the same mechanism can be used while participating in everyday life as an effective weapon against negative self-comparisons and depression. Deep breathing is the first step in such meditation. All by itself, it can relax you and change your mood in the midst of a stream of negative self-comparisons.

We'll go into details later about the pro's and con's and procedures for various methods to avoid self-comparisons.

Getting Hope Back

Negative self-comparisons (neg-comps) by themselves do not make you sad. Instead, you may get angry, or you may mobilize yourself to change your life situation. But a helpless, hopeless attitude along with neg-comps leads to sadness and depression. This has even been shown in rat experiments. Rats that have experienced electric shocks which they cannot avoid later behave with less fight and more depression, with respect to electric shocks that they can avoid, than do rats that did not experience unavoidable shocks. The rats that experienced unavoidable shocks also show chemical changes like those associated with depression in humans.10

It behooves us, then, to consider how to avoid feeling helpless. One obvious answer in some situations is to realize that you are not helpless and you can change your actual state of affairs so that the comparison will be less negative. Sometimes this requires gradual re-learning through a graded series of tasks that show you that you can be successful, eventually leading to success in tasks that at the beginning seemed overwhelmingly difficult to you. This is the rationale of many behavioral-therapy programs that teach people to overcome their fears of elevators, heights, going out in public, and various social situations.

Indeed, the rats mentioned in the paragraph above, which learned to be helpless when given inescapable shocks, were later taught by experimenters to learn that they could escape the later shocks. They showed diminished chemical changes associated with depression after they had "unlearned" their original experiences.

Mitigating the helpless and hopeless attitude is discussed at greater length in Chapter 17.

A New Hope: Values Treatment

Let's say that you feel you're at the end of your rope. You believe that your numerator is accurate, and you see no appealing way to change your denominator or your dimensions of comparison. Avoiding all comparisons, or drastically reducing the quantity of them, does not attract you or does not seem feasible to you. You'd prefer not to be treated with anti-depression drugs or shock treatment unless there is absolutely no alternative. Is there any other possibility open to you?

Values Treatment may be able to rescue you from your end-of- the-rope desperation. For people who are less desperate, it may be preferable to other approaches to their depressions. The central element of Values Treatment is discovering within yourself a value or belief that conflicts with being depressed, or conflicts with some other belief (or value) that leads to the negative self-comparisons. That is how Bertrand Russell passed from a sad childhood to happy maturity in this fashion:

Now [after a miserably sad childhood] I enjoy life; I might almost say that with every year that passes I enjoy it more. This is due partly to having discovered what were the things that I most desired, and having gradually acquired many of these things. Partly it is due to having successfully dismissed certain objects of desire-- such as the acquisition of indubitable knowledge about something or other--as essentially unattainable.11

Values Treatment does exactly the opposite of trying to argue away the sadness-causing value. Instead it seeks a more powerful countervailing value to dominate the depression-causing forces. Here is how Values Treatment worked in my case: I discovered that my highest value is for my children to have a decent upbringing. A depressed father makes a terrible model for children. I therefore recognized that for their sake it was necessary to shift my self-comparisons from the occupational dimension that led to so many negative comparisons and sadness, and focus instead on our health and the enjoyment of the day's small delights. And it worked. I also discovered that I have an almost religious value for not wasting a human life in misery when it can possibly be lived in happiness. That value helped, too, working hand in hand with my value that my children not grow up having a depressed father.

---

That description makes the process seem much easier than it really is, of course. Focusing your mind upon your chosen values requires effort, often very great effort. Sometimes the required effort is so great that you cannot will yourself to make it, and instead you let yourself remain in the slough of despond. But the method of Values Treatment teaches you what has to be done, and gives you a reason for making the effort to do what must be done.

The depression-fighting value may be (as it was for me) the direct command that life should be joyful rather than sad. Or it may be a value that leads indirectly to a reduction in sadness, such as my value that my children should have a life-loving parent to imitate.

The discovered value may lead you to accept yourself for what you are, so that you can go on to other aspects of your life. A person with an emotionally-scarred childhood, or a polio patient confined to a wheelchair, may finally accept the situation as fact, cease railing at fate, and decide not to let the handicap dominate. The person may decide to pay attention instead to what he can contribute to others with a joyful spirit, or how he can be a good parent by being happy.

Values Treatment need not always proceed systematically. But a systematic procedure may be helpful to some people, and it makes clear which operations are important in Values Treatment. In Chapter 18 I'll describe such a systematic procedure for Values Treatment.

Is This Magic?

Please let's get this straight: This book, and cognitive therapy in general, do not offer you an instantly-working formula that will transport you from misery to bliss without the slightest effort or attention on your part. In order to transform yourself from being sad to being joyful you'll have to give the problem your attention and some hard work--whether you do the work alone or with the help of a professional counselor. The work includes writing down and analyzing your thoughts, a tedious but invaluable exercise. If you picked up this book looking for a while-you-wait no-sweat miracle, put it right back down again.

Nevertheless I do offer you "magic." I offer you a new analytic way of understanding your depression, upon which you can build a rational, successful procedure for extricating yourself from your unhappy jam. And the cure need not wait for long years of psychotherapy, dredging up the details of your past life and reliving it all. If you do choose to get outside help, ten or twenty sessions with a therapist are par for the course, and insurance often pays most of the cost.

This is not a guarantee that you will succeed with this method. But it is a promise that a speedy cure -- faster than nature's usual regenerative processes -- is possible for a large proportion of depression sufferers. Understanding aspects of your past life may be helpful in figuring out how to reconstruct your present mental life. But cognitive therapy focuses on the present structure of your thinking, and on changing that structure so that you can live with it joyfully, rather than simply proceeding to examine your history in the faith that such an examination will eventually produce a cure.

Though I believe that this book offers the most powerful methods for overcoming your depression, I recommend as strongly as I can that you read other books as well. The more you learn, the greater the chances that you will stumble across sentences or thoughts or anecdotes which will be just the right triggers for you to understand and cure your own depression. The best books for laymen, in my opinion, are David Burns's Feeling Good and Albert Ellis's and Robert Harper's A New Guide to Rational Living. Both contain lots of practical suggestions, as well as dialogues between therapists and depression sufferers which demonstrate the processes involved in dealing with depressed thinking. Your reading of those books will be even better if you bring to them the Self-comparisons Analysis discussed in this book. It will render the ideas in the other books more specific, and easier to understand and put to work. And after you have worked your way through one or both of those books, you might like to study some of the other books, including some intended for professionals, named in the reference at the end of their book.

You may also find crucial nuggets of wisdom in the aphorisms and anecdotes which fill popular self-help books. The common- sense ideas in those books would not live on from generation to generation they it did not help a substantial number of people from time to time.

Making yourself happy when you have been depressed is a great achievement. That achievement can make you proud of yourself in addition to the relief from pain and the new joy it brings. I wish you the same success and joy that I have had in using this method.

Summary

The term "depression" means a continued state of mind with these central characteristics: (1) You are sad or "blue." (2) You have a low regard for yourself. In addition, (3) a sense of being helpless and hopeless is an integral part of the depression process.

---

This mechanism causes the sadness in depression: Whenever you think about yourself in a judgmental fashion, your thought takes the form of a comparison between a) the state you think you are in (including your skills and capacities) and b) some other hypothetical "benchmark" state of affairs. The benchmark situation may be the state you think you ought to be in, or the state you formerly were in, or the state you expected or hoped to be in, or the state you aspire to achieve, or the state someone else told you you must achieve. This comparison between actual and hypothetical states makes you feel bad if the state in which you think you are in is less positive than the state you compare yourself to. And the bad mood will become a sad mood rather than an angry or determined mood if you also feel helpless to improve your actual state of affairs or to change your benchmark.

If you understand and manipulate the mechanism properly, you can get rid of the sadness. The depression mechanism does not by itself produce or explain low self-regard. But if you operate the mechanism appropriately, you are likely to get rid of the low self-regard, too, and at the least you will not be preoccupied with it and ravaged by it.

We can write the comparison formally as a Mood Ratio:

Mood=(Perceived__state__of__oneself) (Hypothetical benchmark state)

If the numerator (perceived state of oneself) in the Mood Ratio is low compared to the denominator (hypothetical benchmark state) --a situation which I'll call a Rotten Ratio--your mood will be bad. If on the contrary the numerator is high compared to the denominator--a state which I'll call a Rosy Ratio--your mood will be good. If your Mood Ratio is Rotten and you feel helpless to change it, you will feel sad. Eventually you will be depressed if a Rotten Ratio and a helpless attitude continue to dominate your thinking. This precise formulation constitutes a new theoretical understanding of depression.

The comparison you make at a given moment may concern any one of many possible personal characteristics--your occupational success, your personal relationships, your state of health, or your morality, for just a few examples. Or you may compare yourself on several different characteristics from time to time.

If the bulk of your self-comparison thoughts are negative over a sustained period of time, and you feel helpless to change them, you will be depressed.

There are several ways to manipulate your mental apparatus so as to prevent the flow of negative self-comparisons about which you feel helpless. The possibilities include: changing the numerator in the Mood Ratio; changing the denominator; changing the dimensions upon which you compare yourself; making no comparisons at all; reducing your sense of helplessness about changing the situation; and using one or more of your most cherished values as an engine to propel you out of your depression. Sometimes a powerful way to break a logjam in your thinking is to get rid of some of your "oughts" and "musts", and recognize that you do not need to make the negative comparisons that have been causing your sadness.

This book, and cognitive therapy in general, do not offer you an instantly-working formula that will transport you from misery to bliss without the slightest effort or attention on your part. In order to transform yourself from being sad to being joyful you'll have to give the problem your attention and some hard work--whether you do the work alone or with the help of a professional counselor.

The book does offer you a new analytic way of understanding your depression, upon which you can build a rational, successful procedure for extricating yourself from your unhappy jam. And the cure need not wait for long years of psychotherapy, dredging up the details of your past life and reliving it all. If you do choose to get outside help, ten or twenty sessions with a therapist are par for the course.

This is not a guarantee that you will succeed with this method. But it is a promise that a speedy cure -- faster than nature's usual regenerative processes -- is possible for a large proportion of depression sufferers.

*** Note:

Chapter 1 has summarized ideas found in Part I of the book, Chapters 2-9. If you are impatient to get to the self-help procedures in Part II Chapters 10 to 19), you can go directly from here to there, without pausing now to read further about the nature of depression and its elements. But if you have the patience to study a bit more before moving on to the the self-help procedures, it may be worth your while to read through Part I first. Or you can come back to Part II later.

The discussion in this book is pitched at a higher level of abstraction than are most self-help books. Partly this is because cognitive therapy requires somewhat more mental discipline, and more willingness to be introspective, than behavioral and other therapies.14 But the higher level is also partly due to the fact that the book is aimed at psychiatrists and psychologists, too, to present to them these new ideas and methods that render more powerful some ideas and procedures they are already familiar with. And these ideas can only be presented effectively to the professions in the context of working therapy rather than in a more rarefied and theoretical context.

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