Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 12

1. The Narcissist and Total Institutions
2. The Cultural Roots of One Narcissist
3. The Denial Mechanisms of the Narcissist
4. Therapy
5. Traumas and Personality Disorders
6. Narcissists and Medication
7. NPD Son
8. The Narcissist - a Gift to Humanity
9. Co-Dependents and Narcissists
10. Forms of Aggression
11. Narcissist the Sadist
12. Somatic versus Cerebral Narcissists
13. The Narcissist and the Therapist
14. Being Nice to Others
15. Prostituting our Selves

1. The Narcissist and Total Institutions

The reactive patterns of people in "total institutions" (hospitals, boarding schools, army, prison and, THE total institution, the concentration camp) are unique.

Two questions come to mind:

1. Does a normal person react to total institutions by becoming a narcissist (a very plausible reaction)?
2. How do narcissists feel inside total institutions and adapt to them?

2. The Cultural Roots of One Narcissist

I was born in Israel to a Moroccan Jewish father and a Turkish Jewish mother. When I was born, the country was still largely run by Jews of East European and Central European and West European extract (Ashkenazim). I was a Sephardi, a member of a rather despised numerical majority. The Sephardim were considered to be primitive, maladaptive, devoured by ridiculous inferiority complexes, infested by superstitious traditions, uneducated and, in general, unfit to inhabit a modern, Western, liberal state such as the State of Israel aspired to become.

Reality was quite different. The Ashkenazim mostly came from the most regressive and retarded part of Europe (Poland and the Ukraine). The State of Israel until very lately was a socialist (not to say Bolshevik) bastion, very remote from Herzl's liberal ideal (Herzl was the personality disordered visionary founder of Zionism, the political movement that led to the formation of the State of Israel). And many Sephardim were much better adapted to Western culture and technology than thought, having been exposed to French rule for generations (remember "Casablanca"?).

---

 

---

I learned one thing in the process of becoming a non-Israeli and a non-Jew and, in general, a non-entity (=do not succumb to definitions): melting pots are unpleasantly hot places. They produce homogenous, non-descript, rather useless alloys. They simply don't work. People are anyhow so self-absorbed and self-centred (this seems to be a survival mechanism) that they have very little patience and tolerance. Adding ethnic and cultural friction to the mixture makes it explosive.

I have since lived in 11 countries. I don't know whether to attribute it to my narcissism or whether this is a common reaction (I tend to suspect the latter) - but I find myself constantly culturally shocked. The Russians think nothing of things that would make any American (bar the most extreme and nutty militias) shudder. The Czechs are emotional zombies, inoperative, dysfunctional robots after years of brainwashing, the Macedonians are prone to fantasizing and very short on action, the Americans are children: provincial, naive, aggressive, scared and mitigate their panic with endless rules and litigation. This is how I see them, of course, not how they really are. But it is too much to ask such different people to co-exist.

Culture shock leads to narcissism. In the absence of unconditional, loving and unequivocal acceptance, in the absence of predictable behaviours (due to cultural differences) - whole groups of people retreat and develop mass NPD. They develop grandiose fantasies, a False Self, the whole lot (read: Narcissistic at a Glance again).

3. The Denial Mechanisms of the Narcissist

Some narcissists employ denial mechanisms which they apply to their "extensions" (=family) as well. These narcissists instruct, order, or threaten their children into hiding the truth of abuse, malfunction, mal-adaptation, fear, pervasive sadness, violence, mutual hatred, and mutual repulsion which are the hallmarks of the narcissistic family. "Not to launder the dirty laundry outside" is a common sentence. The whole family conforms to the fantastic narrative of grandiosity, perfection, and superiority invented by the narcissist. The family becomes an extension of his False Self. This is an integral function of the sources of Secondary Narcissistic Supply. Criticizing the narcissist, disagreeing with him, or exposing the lie, penetrating the facade, calling the fiction by its proper name - are considered to be mortal sins. The sinner is immediately subjected to severe and constant emotional harassment, guilt and blame - and to abuse, including physical abuse. This state of things is especially typical of families with sexual abuse to hide.

---

Behaviour modification techniques are liberally used by the narcissist to ensure that the skeletons do stay in the family cupboards. An amusing by-product of this atmosphere of concealment and falsity is mutiny. The narcissist's spouse or his adolescent children are likely to exploit this vulnerability of the Narcissist to express their rebellion against him as a figure of reference and authority or a role model. The first thing to crumble in the narcissist's family is the mass denial so diligently insisted upon by him.

4. Therapy,

The general idea in therapy is, indeed, to create the conditions for the True Self to resume its growth: safety, predictability, justice, love and acceptance ("holding"). Therapy is supposed to provide these conditions of nurturance and the guidance necessary (through transference, cognitive relabeling, or other methods). The Narcissist must learn that his past experiences are NOT laws of nature, that not all adults are abusive, that relationships can be nurturing and supportive.

5. Traumas and Personality Disorders

A personality disorder rarely develops following a SINGLE, isolated event. Personality disorders are the result of a PATTERN of abuse. The abuse can be emotional, verbal, physical but asexual, or sexual. Depending on the severity of the traumatic event, certain dissociative reactions develop as a result of a single event of abuse. However, dissociation - even severe (such as DID) - does not constitute a "classical" personality disorder. Recurrent, deliberate, traumatizing abuse is a pre-requisite.

The issue of "false memories" induced by therapists using highly specific therapeutic techniques (such as regressive hypnosis) - is so far from being concluded and it relates to such a narrow part of the spectrum of mental disorders (mainly DID and BPD) that I don't see much point in going into it here.

NPD is the result of very real, recurrent abuse (usually NOT sexual but emotional). It rarely involves dissociation. And the abuse occurs well into early adulthood - when cognitive skills are sufficiently developed to screen out "false or severely modified" memories.

6. Narcissists and Medication

Narcissists generally are averse to medication. It is an implied admission that something is wrong with them. Narcissists are control freaks and afraid to lose control. Additionally, many of them believe that medication is the "great equalizer" - it will make them lose their uniqueness, superiority, and so on. That is UNLESS they can convincingly present taking the medication as an "act of heroism", part of a daring enterprise of self exploration, a distinguishing feature of the narcissist and so on. They will often claim that the medicine affects them differently than it does other people, or that they have discovered a new, exciting way of using it, or that they are part of someone's (usually themselves) learning curve ("part of a new approach to dosage" "part of a new cocktail which holds great promise"). Narcissists MUST dramatize their lives to feel worthy and special. Aut nihil aut unique - either be special or don't be at all.

Very much like in the physical world, change is brought about only through the incredible powers of torsion and breakage. Only when our elasticity gives way, only when we are wounded by our own intransigence - only then is there hope.

Most narcissists have simply not suffered enough. When they do - you find them courting therapists, studying their self, taking medicines, and changing. It takes nothing less than a real crisis. Ennui is not enough.

---

 

---

7. NPD Son

An NPD son is no different to an NPD husband. You MUST devise and design survival strategies. Try to split his good sides from his less agreeable ones and avoid the latter to the best of your ability. Involve professional help. Being protective of him may be to his detriment.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. Be you, don't be fake, or play a part for his sake, or for the sake of domestic peace. Employ a balanced, just and predictable set of rewards and punishments. Educate him. If he becomes too onerous - get rid of him before he get rids of you. I am sorry to be so blunt but it is reality - not a textbook scenario.

8. The Narcissist - a Gift to Humanity

The narcissist is a gift to humanity. His life carries a cosmic significance. His achievements are never less than earth shattering or paradigm shifting. His intelligence is forever penetrating and superior.

People around him are always pathologically deficient or simply refuse. Everything and everyone should succumb to his demands. His special rights are self proclaiming. His very existence is sufficient warrant. He is entitled by his very being. She who wants more from him is either mentally sick or mentally retarded for being unable to grasp all the above.

9. Co-Dependents and Narcissists

Narcissism is a RIGID, systemic pattern of responses. It is so all-pervasive and all-encompassing that it is a PERSONALITY disorder. If the non-narcissist in the couple is co-dependent, for instance, then the narcissist is a perfect match for her and the union will last till death them do part. Such co-dependents SEEK out narcissists and feels fulfilled ONLY in the presence of narcissists.

---

10. Forms of Aggression

Cynical humour, brutal honesty, scathing remarks, boredom, detachment, rage, pathological envy, suicidal ideation, self-berating and self-effacement - are all forms of aggression transformed and directed inwardly or outwardly. A narcissist ignored is a narcissist whose very existence is cast in doubt. He feels threatened. He reacts with fear and its attaching drive, aggression (a "fight or flight" response).

11. Narcissist the Sadist

There are many ways of being sadistic. A resounding silence is one of them. Often the voice of the narcissist is so well embedded in his victims that he no longer needs to say anything. His voice is internalized (very much as the voices of our parents and other meaningful caregivers and adults are supposedly internalized in our superego during our formative years).

12. Somatic versus Cerebral Narcissists

A somatic narcissist uses his/her body to seduce. It is the act of seduction that matters, not the actual physical sex that sometimes follows. In other words: the somatic narcissist derives his/her narcissistic supply more from his ability to discernibly influence others (=tease) than from actual sex (let alone, from a romance, or a relationship). This is so much like histrionic PD (HPD) that I once suggested that HPD was, in effect, NPD where the source of Narcissistic Supply was the body.

(In the following sentences male=female)

A somatic narcissist might also derive his NS from cultivating his body, observing his nutrition and health (up to the point of developing an eating disorder - see FAQ 65- and hypochondriasis), exercising, competitive sports. In short: anything related to the body.

Somatic narcissists are often infidel and serial lovers.

13. The Narcissist and the Therapist

The Narcissist thinks (and often says aloud):

"I know best, I know it all, my therapist is bound to be less intelligent than I, I can't afford the top level therapists who are the only ones qualified to treat me (as my intellectual equals), I am actually a therapist myself...."

This is a litany of self delusion and fantastic grandeur (really, the manifestation of defences and resistances).

"He should be my colleague, in certain respects HE should accept my professional authority, why won't he be friends with me, after all I can use the lingo (psycho-babble) even better than he can? It's US (I and he) against the ignorant world."

Then there is:

"Just who does he think he is asking me all these questions?"

"What are his professional credentials? I am a success and he is a nobody therapist in a dingy office, he is trying to negate my uniqueness, he is an authority figure, I hate him, I will show him, I will humiliate him, prove him ignorant, have his licence revoked (transference)."

"Actually, he is pitiable, a zero, a failure ..."

And all this - in the first three therapy sessions...

---

 

---

14. Being Nice to Others

Narcissists (full fledged, etc.) are nice to others if:

1. They want something - narcissistic supply, help, support, votes, money... They prepare the ground, manipulate you, and then come out with the "small favour" they need, or ask you blatantly or surreptitiously for narcissistic supply ("what did you think about my performance .." "do you think that I really deserve the Nobel Prize?").

1. They feel threatened and they want to neuter the threat by smothering it with oozing pleasantries.

1. They have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply and they feel magnanimous and generous and magnificent and ideal and perfect. To show magnanimity is a way of flaunting one's impeccable angelic credentials. It is an act of grandiosity. The recipient are not relevant, a mere receptacle of the narcissist's overflowing, self contented infatuation with his False Self.

It is transient. Victims tend to "thank God for little graces" (God being the narcissist). This is the Stockholm syndrome: hostages tend to emotionally identify with the terrorists rather than with the police. We are grateful to our abusers and tormentors for ceasing their hideous activities and letting us breathe for awhile.

---

15. Prostituting our Selves

Women who, otherwise, have struck me as charming, witty and emotionally delectable often engage in berating themselves and upbraiding their own behaviour. A random selection: "slut", "dirt" and "tramp".

It is one thing to feel bad about indiscriminate, short term, unfulfilling relationships - and another thing to mislabel oneself.

Our society is still male chauvinistic. We still maintain the infamous double standard. To engage in sex with many women is an achievement (for a man) - to do the same with men is prostitution (for a woman). To allow others to make use of your BRAIN for money is to be a consultant - to allow them to make use of your GENITALS for cash is to be a whore. To enjoy sex in the framework of an exclusive arrangement is almost mandatory - to enjoy the same with many men is considered degrading.

To sell your sexual services on an exclusive basis to one man (no matter how abusive) is to be a respectable wife - to do so serially with more than one, no matter how empathic and helpful - is to be a sinful slut.

My training is in philosophy. Each of the statements above and all of them put together are INDEFENSIBLE. No rigorous, rational and culturally independent argumentation and reasoning can yield the above conclusions. Men instilled and embedded in women these insidious control mechanism to protect their sexual exclusivity and to maintain it and to ascertain that their progeny was indeed theirs. It is moral hypocrisy to call a sexually active woman "dirt" or "whore" or "slut".

The very definition of promiscuity is highly dependent on the specific period, society or culture. In many societies and cultures in history, prostitutes officiated in RELIGIOUS rites. In others, they were considered sacred and privy to divine information. Unlimited sex constituted an integral part of many religions. In some cultures uninhibited sex was encouraged among women and taught to them from an early age. In others, guests were invited to share the host's female folk (never against their will, by the way).

Feel GOOD about your body and your sexuality. I have yet to come across something more aesthetically elating than an excited and exciting sexual woman. Don't let society, culture and the men in your life tell you what you are.

---

 

---

 

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 13

A step-by-step guide on how to recognize the signs of stress and how to effectively deal with stress.

Contents

• Recognize your signs of stress
• Dealing with stress (your reactions)
• Positive self-talk
• Relaxation
• Stress-relieving relaxation
• Meditation
• Exercise
• A balanced lifestyle
• Dealing with anger
• Drugs, alcohol and smoking
• Changing your life

If you are feeling stressed, then you may be having trouble with sleeping and concentrating, and with being positive and hopeful. Your body may be trying to get you to recognize that it is feeling stressed by giving you headaches, making you feel sick, giving you indigestion, a fluttery feeling in the tummy, or any one of a number of other signs that are trying to show you that you need to relax.

Here are some ideas to help you deal with stress.

Recognize your signs of stress

Think of a time that was stressful for you - it might have been an exam or a disagreement with a friend, or maybe you needed to tell someone something really important and didn't know how they'd react.

Try to remember how your body felt

• Did you have butterflies in the tummy before the exam?
• Did you get a headache when arguing?
• Did you find it hard to sleep before telling that person the news?

Stop now and have a think about how it felt for you. Perhaps you could write those signs down so you'll remember later.

Dealing with stress (your reactions)

• How did you deal with the stress in the situation you thought about before? Was it helpful?
• Was there another situation where you dealt with stress really well?

Perhaps you could write those strategies down to remember for times you need them. There are many choices in the way that you can deal with stress. Talk to friends about good ways they use to deal with stress to increase your choices.

Positive self-talk

Positive self-talk helps you tap into your inner strengths. We all have inner strengths. Positive self-talk is about using your mind in the way you want, to help yourself. It helps us to decide how we'll react to stress. When we do the opposite (negative thinking) we create more stress for ourselves. Here are some ways to use Positive self-talk.

• Tell yourself positive statements every day (examples: "I am good at ....", "I have inner strength", "I have true beauty within", "All is well", "I feel peaceful now").

• Picture seeing yourself in a positive situation - one that you want to move towards (eg. see yourself doing that school test and being relaxed about it and doing well, picture the teacher reading your test and being impressed on how well you did).

• Remind yourself of things you've done well in the past ("I did well on that school project last year - this means I can do it again").

• Look at the big picture - will it really matter in 5 years? Will the world stop turning if it does or doesn't happen?

• Work on what you can control, accept the rest and let it go.

• You can even make a tape of your own voice saying positive, relaxing, supportive things.

Relaxation

What do you find relaxing?

• Is it dancing, art, meditation, fishing, going for a walk with friends, reading a book, listening to music, shopping, a gym work-out, talking to a friend or playing sport?

Think about things you can do that relax you, and find ways to build them into your weekly routine. These are ways both to prevent stress and to deal with stress.

There are other ways to relax and unwind.

• How about a massage? You could give a friend a neck and shoulder massage or a hand massage and ask for one back.

• Perhaps a yoga or tai chi class is for you.

• Herbal teas like chamomile can help and so can a warm bath or aromatherapy oils like lavender oil.

There are quick relaxation techniques that take just a few minutes. You can use these in many places. For example take a few minutes to relax in the middle of an exam if you find yourself getting stressed and not thinking clearly.

• Deep breathing - breathe in through the nose and let the air fill the bottom of your lungs first, breathe right down to your stomach, then breathe out slowly, concentrating on letting the muscles of your body relax.

• Focus breathing - breathe in through the nose and as you breathe out say a positive statement to yourself like relax or calm down.

• Stretching - stretch out muscles, reach the arms above the head and stretch, or just stretch whatever part of the body you feel needs it. Visualization - this is where you picture a pleasant place and use slow breathing through the nose - you can make the place anywhere you want to and you can change anything in the picture to see, feel, sound or smell just as you wish.

Stress-relieving relaxation

This kind of relaxation takes a little longer.

• You start by sitting or lying down comfortably. A quiet place or relaxing music to listen to is nice.

• Close your eyes.

• Tighten then relax your muscles in order - for example, start at the feet, work your way up through the legs, the middle, your chest and your face muscles.

• One at a time scrunch each set of muscles up tightly for about 30 seconds, then let them go loose.

• Feel which parts of your body are tight and need more work.

You can get tapes to help you do this. This is also good to help you feel the difference between when you are relaxed and when you are tense. This raises your awareness of when you're getting tense and stressed.

Meditation

There are various ways to meditate.

• You can learn by listening to meditation tapes and CDs, by going to a meditation class or by learning from a friend.

• Or you could teach yourself - try this simple meditation.

  • Prepare by getting comfortable and becoming aware of your breathing.

  • Start to count after each breath. Breathe in, breathe out, one, breathe in, breathe out two ... up to ten then start again. If you lose count, go back to one. Just do this for a few minutes. Later you might want to do it for longer and concentrate more and more on your breathing and the feel of your breath going into and out of your body.

  • If any thoughts or noises enter your mind, notice them, let them go and gently return to your meditation.

Exercise

Many people find physical activity helps burn up some of that stress. It can be fun too.

A balanced lifestyle

This is another key to coping well. Make time for:

• yourself - rest, relaxation, thinking time, exercise, and healthy eating
• your relationships
• your social life
• your spiritual needs (this could be religion, nature or whatever is right for you)
• work or study.

To do all this you need to:

• manage your time, eg. make lists, prioritize - there are many books around on time management, or friends may be able to help you with this

• take time out to enjoy your life

• set goals and work towards them - smaller goals are important to have as well as longer term goals

• at work or study, keep in mind that you can only do so much, and that you should take regular breaks.

If it's all getting too much, ask for support. Talk to a friend or family member, or someone supportive at school, or college.

Above all, keep your sense of humor.

Dealing with anger

Anger can lead to stress.

• You might try something physical like going for a run or a bike ride.

• Some people write letters and put in everything they feel angry about, then burn them.

• Other people turn the music up loud and say out loud whatever it is they'd really like to tell someone.

It's OK, in fact it's good, to express anger. We all get angry. We can choose what we do about it and how we express it. Do what's right for you as long as you don't hurt anyone or anything.

Drugs, alcohol and smoking

Some people try drugs, like alcohol (see our topic on 'Alcohol - the facts') and they smoke more.

• This is likely to be more harmful than helpful when you consider the health risks.
• Importantly, they won't change whatever is causing the stress.
• Sometimes doctors prescribe medication like antidepressants for a short time. This could help, but on its own doesn't change whatever is causing the stress.

It's important to look at the causes and ways to deal with the causes - whether that be by increasing your own coping capacities or making changes to your lifestyle.

Changing Your Life

Sometimes changes in your life are the only way to really reduce stress.

• If it's hard to decide how to do that, talk to a trusted friend.
• You could go to counseling to find ways to make changes.

It might mean that you do less for now. For example, if you're studying full time and working and have a relationship and a social life, you may need to cut down somewhere or cut down a bit everywhere.

Source: Child and Youth Health

Research reveals that regular exercise and healthy eating can prevent or delay the onset of Alzheimer's Disease and other dementias.

Physical exercise is very important for maintaining good blood flow to the brain. It also encourages the development of new brain cells and reduces the risk of heart attack, stroke and diabetes which are all risk factors for Alzheimer's and other dementias.

Growing evidence shows that physical exercise does not have to be strenuous or even require a major time commitment. It is most effective when done regularly, and in combination with a brain-healthy diet, mental activity and social interaction.

Aerobic exercise improves oxygen consumption, which benefits brain function; aerobic fitness has been found to reduce brain cell loss in elderly subjects. Walking, bicycling, gardening, tai chi, yoga and other activities of about 30 minutes daily get the body moving and the heart pumping.

Physical activities that also involve mental activity - plotting your route, observing traffic signals, making choices - provide additional value for brain health. And doing these activities with a companion offers the added benefit of social interaction.

Avoid head trauma when exercising

• Use protective headgear when engaged in physical activities, such as bicycling, horseback riding, bouldering, skating and so on.
• Wear a seat belt.
• Guard against falls by using handrails, watching out for tripping hazards and taking other precautions.

Severe head injuries have been associated with increased risk for later development of Alzheimer's disease and other dementias.

Adopt a Brain-Healthy Diet

According to the most current research, a brain-healthy diet is one that reduces the risk of heart disease and diabetes, encourages good blood flow to the brain, and is low in fat and cholesterol. Like the heart, the brain needs the right balance of nutrients, including protein and sugar, to function well. A brain-healthy diet is most effective when combined with physical and mental activity and social interaction.

Manage your body weight for overall good health of brain and body. A long-term study of 1,500 adults found that those who were obese in middle age were twice as likely to develop dementia in later life. Those who also had high cholesterol and high blood pressure had six times the risk of dementia. Adopt an overall food lifestyle, rather than a short-term diet, and eat in moderation.

---

 

---

Reduce your intake of foods high in fat and cholesterol. Studies have shown that high intake of saturated fat and cholesterol clogs the arteries and is associated with higher risk for Alzheimer's disease. However, HDL (or "good") cholesterol may help protect brain cells. Use mono- and polyunsaturated fats, such as olive oil, for example. Try baking or grilling food instead of frying.

Increase your intake of protective foods. Current research suggests that certain foods may reduce the risk of heart disease and stroke, and appear to protect brain cells.

• In general, dark-skinned fruits and vegetables have the highest levels of naturally occurring antioxidant levels. Such vegetables include: kale, spinach, brussels sprouts, alfalfa sprouts, broccoli, beets, red bell pepper, onion, corn and eggplant. Fruits with high antioxidant levels include prunes, raisins, blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, raspberries, plums, oranges, red grapes and cherries.
• Cold water fish contain beneficial omega-3 fatty acids: halibut, mackerel, salmon, trout and tuna.
• Some nuts can be a useful part of your diet; almonds, pecans and walnuts are a good source of vitamin E, an antioxidant.

Not enough information is available to indicate what quantities of these foods might be most beneficial for brain health. For example, it is not clear how much fruit would have to be consumed to have a detectable benefit. However, a study of elderly women showed that those who ate the most green, leafy and cruciferous vegetables in the group were one to two years younger in mental function than women who ate few of these vegetables.

Vitamin supplements may be helpful. There is some indication that vitamins, such as vitamin E, or vitamins E and C together, vitamin B12 and folate may be important in lowering your risk of developing Alzheimer's. A brain-healthy diet will help increase your intake of these vitamins and the trace elements necessary for the body to use them effectively.

Disease and risk factors you can't control

Alzheimer's disease is the most common form of dementia - brain disorders that affect your ability to function effectively in daily living. Well-established risk factors for Alzheimer's disease are genetics and aging (10 percent of those over age 65 and 50 percent of those over 85 have Alzheimer's). Unfortunately, aging and genetics are two risk factors you can't control.

It's not known what causes Alzheimer's disease or what role genetics plays in most cases of Alzheimer's, though having parents or siblings with the disease increases your risk. A small percentage of cases is known to be caused by inherited mutated genes. In other cases, variants of specific genes increase risk, but even people who inherit such variants from both parents still may not get the disease. These risk factors that you cannot change will set a starting point for you, but there is hope that adopting the healthy brain life habits might delay or prevent the appearance of Alzheimer's disease.

Sources:

• Science Daily, "Serious Head Injuries Linked To Alzheimer's Disease," October 24, 2000.
• Luchsinger JA, Tang MX, Miller J, Green R, Mayeux R. Relation of higher folate intake to lower risk of Alzheimer disease in the elderly. Arch Neurol. 2007 Jan;64(1):86-92.
• Alzheimer's Association

next: Alzheimer's Disease: From Symptoms to Treatments

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 11

1. The Productive Narcissist
2. Abandoning the Narcissist
3. Unloving the Sick or Needy Spouse
4. Moving On
5. Inspirational Messages
6. The Phases of Mourning
7. Forgiving Enemies, Forgetting Friends
8. Self-Confidence and Real Achievements
9. Communicating Emotions
10. Possessive Jealousy
11. Pessimism versus Realism in the Treatment of Narcissists

1. The Productive Narcissist

A good feeling is also a kind of narcissist supply. This insight - that a narcissist can gain narcissistic supply by HELPING others - was instrumental in my transformation. Narcissists have been rejected and abused early on in their lives, so they became defensive. Their personality disorder makes them the target of scorn, hate and contempt. It is a vicious circle. It makes them even more defensive. So they ignore or deny the possibility of GETTING ALONG with people, of engineering positive emotions, of being loved.

To survive, we all MUST give love. But so very few of us know how to ACCEPT it. Narcissists wouldn't recognize love if it hit them on the head. Their world is inhabited by dependency, control, power and fear, not by love.

I do good things but I am not a good person in the sense that, to me, people are bi-dimensional, instruments for my satisfaction, the fountains of my narcissistic supply, objects.

Since I derive most of my narcissistic supply from constructive and productive sources - there is no need for me to go to the negative extremes that I did go to previously. But I still do sabotage myself incredibly.

2. Abandoning the Narcissist

The narcissist INITIATES his own abandonment BECAUSE of his fear. He is so afraid of losing his sources (and, unbeknownst to him, of unconsciously being emotionally hurt) - that he would rather "control", "master", "direct" the potentially destabilizing situation - than confront its effects if initiated by the meaningful other. Remember: the personality of the narcissist has a low level of organization. It is precariously balanced.

Being an abandoned could constitute a narcissistic injury so grave that the whole edifice comes crumbling down. Narcissists usually entertain suicidal ideation in such cases. BUT, if the narcissist did the initiation, if HE directed the scenes, if the abandonment is perceived by him to be a goal HE set to himself to achieve - he can and does avoid all these untoward consequences. See the section about Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanisms here.

3. Unloving the Sick or Needy Spouse

The Narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, incomparable (imaginary) achievements, wealth, brilliance and unmitigated success. The narcissist denies his reality constantly. This is what I call the "Grandiosity Gap" - the abyss between the narcissist's sense of entitlement and his inflated grandiose fantasies - and his incommensurate reality and achievements.

The narcissist's partner is perceived by him to be a source of narcissistic supply, an instrument, an extension of himself. It is inconceivable to the narcissist that - in his blessed presence - such a tool should malfunction. The needs of the partner are perceived by the narcissist as THREATS and INSULTS. He considers his very existence as sufficiently nourishing and sustaining. He feels entitled to the best without investing in maintaining the relationship or in catering to the well-being of his spouse. To rid himself of deep-set feelings of (rather justified) guilt and shame - he pathologizes the partner. He projects sickness unto her. Through the intricate mechanism of projective identification he forces her to play an emergent role of "the sick" or "the weak" or "the naive" or "the dumb" or "the no good". What he denies in himself, what he is terrified of facing in his own personality - he attributes to others and moulds them to conform to his prejudices against himself.

The Narcissist MUST have THE best, the MOST glamorous, stunning, talented, head turning, mind boggling spouse in the WORLD. Nothing short of this fantasy will do. To compensate for the shortcomings of his real life spouse - he invents an idealized figure and relates to it instead. Then, when reality conflicts too often and too roughly with the ideal figure - he reverts to devaluation. His behaviour turns on a dime and becomes threatening, demeaning, contemptuous, berating, reprimanding, destructively critical, and sadistic - or cold, unloving, detached, "clinical". He punishes his real life spouse for not living up to his standards as personified in his Galathea, in his Pygmalion, in his ideal creation. The Narcissist plays God.

---

---

---

4. Moving On

There is always a risk of judging harshly when we are in pain.

Moving on is a process, not a decision or an event. First, we have to realize what happened and acknowledge the facts. It is a volcanic, shattering, agonizing series of little, nibbling, thoughts countered by strong resistances. The battle won, we can move on to learning.

We attach a label to what bothers us. We assemble material. We gather knowledge. We compare experiences. We digest.

Then we decide and we act. This is "to move on". The success of this list is measured by the numbers of its deserters. Having gathered sufficient sustenance, support and confidence - they leave to face the battlefields of their relationships, fortified and nurtured. This stage is reached by those who come here not to mourn - but to fight; not to grieve - but to replenish their self esteem; not to hide - but to seek; not to freeze - but to move on. This list should be a safe house, a library, an arsenal - in short: a home.

5. Inspirational Messages

What matters is not necessarily the content. What matters is the timing and the music and the meaning attributed by the listener/reader to the content. The same speech that aroused millions yesteryear, looks quaint, even ridiculous today. The same message might revolt you - and motivate another. The pertinent questions are: WHO reads it, WHEN does he read it, WHAT are the circumstances (context), WHAT meaning does he attribute to it, DOES it motivate him. If it is sugar-coated, sentimental, Polyannish but it WORKS - this is IT. In matters of the heart perhaps it is best not to look for the truth - but to seek the heart.

6. The Phases of Mourning

After being betrayed and abused - we grieve. We grieve for the image we had of the traitor and abuser that we will never have again. We mourn the damage he did to us. We experience the fear of never being able to love or to trust again - and we grieve this incapacitation. In one stroke, we lost someone we trusted and even loved, we lost our trusting and loving selves, and we lost the trust and love that we felt. Can anything be worse? I should think not.

The emotional process of grieving is multi-phased. At first, we are dumbfounded, shocked, inert, immobile. We hope that our monsters will let go if they can't find us. So, we remain immobile and frozen. We die. Ossified in our pain, cast in the mould of our reticence and fears. Then we feel enraged, indignant, rebellious and hateful. Then we accept. Then we cry. And then - some of us - learn to forgive and to pity. And this is called healing.

ALL stages are absolutely necessary and good for you. It is bad NOT to rage back, not to shame those who shamed us, to deny, to pretend, to evade. But it is equally as bad to stay like this forever. It is the perpetuation of our abuse by other means. By endlessly recreating our harrowing experiences, we unwillingly and defiantly collaborate with our abuser to perpetuate his or her evil deeds. It is by moving on that we defeat our abuser, belittling him and his importance in our lives. It is by loving and by trusting that we annul that which was done to us. To forgive is never to forget. But to remember is not necessarily to re-live.

7. Forgiving Enemies, Forgetting Friends

Forgiving is an important capability. It does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven. But, to my mind, it should not be a universal, indiscriminate behaviour. I think it is legitimate not to forgive sometimes. It depends, of course, on the severity or duration of what was done to you. In general, it is unwise and counter-productive, in my view, to establish "universal" and "immutable" principles in life. Life is too varied to succumb to rigid principles. Sentences which start with "I never" are either not very credible or, worse, they lead to self defeating, self restricting and self destructive behaviours.

How can the worst enemy suddenly become a friend?

Your friendship must not mean much to you if you give it away so easily and so profusely. Friendship is a gradual thing, based on many trials and errors. It is profound and, at its best, it is nourishing and supportive. How can you get all this from a former worst enemy? And how can you become "instant" friends with anyone, let alone your worst adversary?

Conflicts are an important and integral part of life. One should never seek them out willingly - but when confronted with a conflict, one should not avoid it. It is through conflicts and adversity inasmuch as through care and love that we grow.

Some people will always dislike you. It is inevitable and a good thing it is because it allows you to separate the wheat (your true friends) from the chafe (those who dislike you). That someone dislikes you says a lot about HIM or HER - not necessarily about you. People are not objects to be manipulated. They have their own emotions, opinions, judgements, fears, hopes, dreams, fantasies, nightmares, role models and associations. What are the chances for a perfect fit every time? Nil.

---

---

---

Human relationships are dynamic. We must assess our friendships, partnerships, even marriages periodically. The past is insufficient to sustain a healthy, nourishing, supportive, caring, and compassionate relationship. It is a good pre-condition, perhaps a necessary one - but not a sufficient one. We must gain and regain our friendships on a daily basis. Human relationships are a constant test of allegiance and empathy.

8. Self-Confidence and Real Achievements

This is how we go about life: we find out what we excel at, we develop these talents and gifts, we show the results to people, we secure their appreciation, and this adds to our self confidence. We should be proud of our REAL achievements and qualities.

9. Communicating Emotions

Impressive "emotional intelligence" is typical of people who were hurt in the past. They are more attuned to the emotional needs of others. But there is a big difference between "being mean" and expressing emotions, even negative emotions. I think you should communicate your emotions. If you are angry you should say so and explain both what made you angry and how it can be avoided in the future. If you are jealous, you should express your jealousy in a constructive way. Suppressed emotions are bad. They are like an untreated infection. They poison you. They are likely to bring about short depressive episodes.

10. Possessive Jealousy

If you have a work of art at home - would you hide it behind a curtain and peak at it only secretly or would you share it with family and friends and maybe with the public?

If you have a friend and you can make her happy - would you still qualify as a friend if you prevented this happiness from her by withholding the knowledge necessary for its attainment?

If you see two imperfections which complement each other and in thus doing can reach perfection - would you not sin by preventing their encounter?

And if all this were to involve an intercourse of the body as well as of the mind - should this technical detail derail your resolve to increase the welfare of others rather to decrease it through greed and envy?

11. Pessimism versus Realism in the Treatment of Narcissists

I personally opt for "realism" rather than "optimism" or "pessimism".

Here are some hard facts which I think could serve as an undisputed basis for discussion:

• There are gradations and shades of narcissism. Lacking grandiosity and possessing empathy are not minor variations. They are serious predictors of future dynamics. The prognosis is much better if they do exist.
• There are cases of spontaneous healing and of "short term NPD" (Gunderson and Roningstam, 1996).
• The prognosis for a classic NPD case (grandiosity, lack of empathy and all) is decidedly not good IF we are talking about LONG TERM and COMPLETE HEALING. Moreover, NPDs are intensely disliked by therapists.

BUT

• Side effects, associated disorders (such as OCD), and SOME aspects of NPD (certain behaviours, the dysphorias, the paranoiac dimensions, the outcomes of the sense of entitlement, the pathological lying) CAN be modified (using talk therapy and, depending on the problem, medication). We are not talking about SHORT term solutions - but there are partial solutions and they do have long term effects.
• The DSM is billing and administration oriented. It is intended to "tidy" up the psychiatrist's desk. The PDs are ill demarcated, they tend to intermingle and be cross referenced. The differential diagnoses are vaguely defined, to use a gentle understatement. There are some cultural biases and judgements (see the Schizotypal PD). The result is sizeable confusion and multiple diagnoses. NPD was introduced in 1980 (in the DSM III). There isn't enough research to substantiate one view or another. The DSM V might abolish it altogether within the framework of a cluster or a single "personality disorder" diagnosis. As it is, the difference between HPD and somatic NPD is, to my mind, rather blurred in the extreme cases. So, when we discuss the question: "can NPD be healed?" we need to realize than we don't know for sure what is NPD and what constitutes long term healing in the case of an NPD. There are those who seriously claim that NPD is a CULTURAL disorder with a massive societal determinant.

---

---

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 12

During graduate school, I had the privilege of getting to know Dimitri Mihalas, then a distinguished professor of astronomy at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (and a member of the National Academy of Sciences). Though he suffers from the bipolar illness (manic depression), he feels that he has actually "gained" from it instead of "losing" to it. He has also been, in my opinion, a pioneer in attempts to increase public awareness of (and therefore decreasing the stigma associated with) the bipolar illness by the act of being completely open about it.

Soon after a major life-threatening episode of depression (which was successfully treated with medication), he set upon himself the task of composing what I consider to be an excellent primer on manic depression. Because it is quite personal, it has been found by many to be extremely useful in gauging their own experiences. It also contains a great deal of useful information about the illness, about the spiritual aspects of recovery, and contains a bibliography for those who want to learn more. Someone who read it described it as a potential "life saver"!

next: Mood Disorders as Physical Illnesses
~ back to Manic Depression Primer homepage
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

A look at effectiveness of self-help measures and alternate therapies for treating depression.

There are a wide range of self-help measures and alternate therapies which can be useful for some types of depression, either alone or in conjunction with physical treatments (such as antidepressants) or psychological treatments .

However, the more biological types of depression (melancholic and psychotic depression) are very unlikely to respond to self-help and alternative therapies alone although these can be valuable adjuncts to physical treatments.

What follows is not intended to be an exhaustive list, but includes those which are more commonly found helpful. We provide brief information and links to other sources of information. Other self-help measures such as meditation, diet, exercise and relaxation are covered in Ways of Staying Well.

• Bibliotherapy
• Omega-3
• St John's Wort
• Light therapy
• Yoga
• Aromatherapy
• Massage therapy
• Acupuncture

Bibliotherapy

Bibliotherapy involves, essentially, reading books or other materials (such as those available via the Internet) on how to overcome depression and applying the practices oneself. (Recommended Australian books are 'Beating the Blues: A Self-help Approach to Overcoming Depression', by S Tanner and J Ball and 'Dealing with Depression: A common sense guide to mood disorders', by Gordon Parker.) The person works independently (or with some supervision) through the material, applying the techniques outlined in it. Bibliotherapy usually uses the cognitive behavior therapy approach.

---

 

---

Omega-3 for Treatment of Depression

There is some evidence that Omega-3 oils, commonly found in fish such as salmon, tuna, mackerel and swordfish, play a role in mental well-being, particularly in cases of bipolar disorder, but some studies also demonstrate antidepressant properties.

St John's Wort for Treatment of Depression

St John's Wort is a popular herbal remedy for depression. It is a flower with many chemical compounds, some of which are believed to help depression by preventing nerve cells in the brain from reabsorbing the chemical messenger serotonin, or by reducing levels of a protein involved in the body's immune system functioning.

Studies have shown that St John's Wort is an effective antidepressant in cases of people with mild non-melancholic depression but ineffective for people with melancholic (biological) depression.

St John's Wort can have side-effects however. There are several reports suggesting that it may have some toxic effects on reproductive functioning. There are other possible problems with St John's Wort, including possible interactions with certain medications.

Light therapy for Treatment of Seasonal Affective Disorder

Light therapy involves exposing someone to bright light for around a half an hour each day. The bright light can be either in the form of conventional fluorescent lamps or bright sunlight.

Light therapy has been shown to have particular benefit for people who suffer from a form of depression known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), where depression occurs on a regular basis in particular seasons (especially autumn and winter) and then goes away in the alternate seasons (spring and summer). This condition is more common in the northern hemisphere, but it does exist in Australia.

Yoga for Treating Depression

Yoga is an ancient Indian exercise philosophy that provides a gentle form of exercise and stress management. It consists of postures or 'asanas' that are held for a short period of time and are often synchronized with the breathing. It is very helpful for reducing stress and anxiety which are often precursors to depression. A number of studies have shown that yoga breathing exercises are beneficial for depression.

---

Aromatherapy for Treating Depression

Aromatherapy is the use of essential oils to produce different emotional and physiological reactions. There is some evidence that aromatherapy can be helpful in alleviating mental disorders including depression.

A Study at Yale University found that some essential oils affect the nervous system, can help relieve tensions and anxieties, and even reduce blood pressure. A number of essential oils are believed to be especially beneficial in the treatment of depression as they help to balance and relax the nervous system.

Massage therapy for Treatment of Depression

Massage therapy is believed to be helpful for people with depression, although further studies are needed to conclusively prove this. Massage produces chemical changes in the brain that result in a feeling of relaxation, calm and well-being. It also reduces levels of stress hormones - such as adrenalin, cortisol and norepinephrine - which in some people can trigger depression.

Acupuncture for Treating Depression

Acupuncture is an ancient form of healing developed within the traditional medicine China , Japan and other eastern countries. Acupuncture is based on the principle that stimulation of specific areas on the skin affects the functioning of certain organs of the body. Fine needles are inserted into specific points (called acupuncture points) just below the surface of the skin. It is believed that acupuncture can help to relieve depression, along with anxiety, nervous tension and stress.

A small number of studies support the view that acupuncture plays a valuable role in alleviating depression.

Other self-help measures include: meditation, relaxation, a healty diet, alcohol and drug avoidance, and exercise.

Sources: Office of Dietary Supplements - NIH, National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine

 

---

 

---

back to: Alternative Medicine Home ~ Alternative Medicine Treatments

Contents of Psychology of Sex Website:

Introduction
How to Have Good Sex
Sex and Intimacy
Sexual Fantasies
Sexual Problems: Men's, Women's, Everyone's
Sexual Health
Sex Therapy
Women and Sex, Men and Sex
Teens and Sex: Information for Teens, Parents

Introduction

• Psychology of Sex Homepage
• About Me

How to Have Good Sex

• How to Have Good Sex Table of Contents
• How to Have Good Sex Home
• Secrets of Women Who Love Sex
• Secret to Good Sex
• Conditions for Good Sex
• Good Sex is Good for You
• Good Sex Is Learned - Not Natural
• Knowing What You Want in Bed
• The Requirements for Great Sex
• The Secret to Good Sex in Marriage
• Good Sex Is Not Just for New Lovers
• Good Sex in Long Term Relationships
• Sex Tips For Men: On Being Good In Bed
• Why Single Women Want Good Sex and Romance
• Seven Magnificant Sex Tips For Women
• More Sex Tips for Women

Sex and Intimacy

• Sex and Intimacy Table of Contents
• Sex and Intimacy Home
• Intimacy Issues - What's That?
• What is Intimacy?
• Intimacy Not Just Sex
• The Relationship Between Sex and Intimacy
• Understanding Intimacy
• Fear of Intimacy
• Clearing the Roadblocks to Intimacy
• Why Men Pay For Sex
• How To Develop Intimacy With Your Partner
• Tips for Showing You Care
• Starving for Emotional Intimacy - Why Wait For Sex?
• Talking to Your Kids About Sex

Sexual Fantasies

• Sexual Fantasies Table of Contents
• Sexual Fantasies Home - Are Sexual Fantasies Good for Us?
• Sexual Fantasies: Are They Dangerous?
• The Science of Sexual Fantasies
• Sexual Fantasies: Friend or Foe
• The Differences Between The Sexual Fantasies of Men and Women
• Interview on Sexual Fantasy w/ 2 Philosophy Experts
• Perverse Fantasies: More Common Than We Thought
• Perverse Fantasies: You're Not Alone
• The Gardener of Desire: Women's Sex Fantasies
• Women's Top 10 Sexual Fantasies
• Male Sexual Fantasies: Fantasy, Masturbation, and Sexual Attitudes
• Indian Men and Their Wives' Sexual Fantasies
• Sexual Fantasies of Child Molesters
• Thinking About Sexual Fantasies Lessens Pain
• Understanding Male and Female Sexual Fantasies - Transcript
• Men's Sexual Fantasies: Visitor Input

Sexual Problems

• Sexual Problems Table of Contents

Everyone's Problems

• Types of Sexual Problems
• Range of Sex Problems Stuns Even Researchers
• Me? Have Sexual Problems?
• Four Perspectives on Sex Problems
• No Interest in Sex
• Addictive Sexual Behaviors
• New Antidepressants Depress Libido
• Am I Gay or Lesbian?

Men's Sexual Problems

Impotency

• Male Erection - Penis Erection Problems
• Me? Have Sexual Problems?
• Impotency Basics
• About Male Impotency
• Medications Cause Impotence
• Impotence Treatment
• The Truth About Impotence: Interview with Dr. Irwin Goldstein
• Is Impotence Only a Biological Problem?
• Impotence Related Problems
• The Psychology of Impotence
• How Impotency Affects Relationships
• For the Wife or Partner
• Male Anorgasmia: Inability to Have a Climax
• NIH Report on Impotence

Performance Anxiety

• The Details of Performance Anxiety
• Treating Performance Anxiety

Women's Sexual Problems

• Types of Sexual Problems Women Experience
• Causes of Women's Sexual Problems
• What is an Orgasm?
• Women and Orgasm: The Straight Facts
• What Can You Do About Orgasm Problems?
• Exercises for Achieving the Big O
• Frigidity - Sexual Unresponsiveness
• Why are Women Sometimes Unresponsive to Sex?
• Treatment for Sexual Unresponsiveness
• Vaginal Dryness
• Vaginismus

Sexual Health

• Sexual Health Table of Contents
• Sexual Health Home
• Learn How To Love Yourself
• Your Sexual Health and Attitude
• Make Peace With Your Sexuality
• Opening Up To Sex

Sex Therapy

• Sex Therapy Table of Contents
• Sex Therapy Home - The Basics of Sex Therapy
• Definition of Sex Therapy
• Introduction to Sex Therapy
• Sexuality and Sex Therapy
• Sex Therapy When There is Sexual Dysfunction
• Relational and Sex Therapy
• Thought Field Therapy for Sex Problems
• Self-Help Sex Therapy
• Looking for Sex Therapists Online
• Sexual Surrogates
• Sex Therapy for Abuse Survivors
• Sex Therapy Helps Boomer Couple Renew Their Relationships

Women and Sex

• Women and Sex Table of Contents
• Women and Sex Home
• Men, Sex, and Emotional Connection
• Men Relate Through Sex - Sex As A Measure of Love
• Men View Sex and Feelings As Solution To Male/Female Problems
• Sex Truths About Men That Women Rarely Understand
• More Sex Truths About Men
• Men and Sexual Rejection

Men and Sex

• Men and Sex Table of Contents
• Men and Sex Home
• What Women Want: Intimacy First, Then Sex
• Don't Push Me So Hard For Sex
• Why Women and Men Have Different Sex Timeframes
• The Changing Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors of Women
• Men and Sexual Rejection
• Male Sexual Assault

Teens and Sex

• Teens and Sex Table of Contents

Information for Teens

• Teens and Sex Homepage
• Sexual Communication: Talking to Your Parents About Sex
• How Do You Know When You're Ready for Sex?
• Virginity
• Okay to say "NO"
• Self-Esteem and How to Improve Your's
• Difference Between Sex and Love
• Does Having Sex Mean Falling in Love
• Date Rape / Acquaintance Rape
• Specific Drugs Used in Sexual Assault
• Dating an Older Guy
• How Can I Tell If My Sexual Activities Are Healthy and Normal?
• Sex Risks: Preventing Pregnancy, Sexually Transmitted Diseases
• Birth Control Options
• What Teens Want Other Teens to Know About Preventing Pregnancy
• STDs
• Sexual Orientation: "Am I Gay (Lesbian) because I think about it?"
• Erection Problems

Information for Parents of Teens

• Teen Sexual Behaviors
• Coercion and Sexual Abuse of Teens
• Teens and Sex: The Big Talk Isn't Enough
• Talking with Kids About Sex and Relationships
• Sexual Abuse and Coercion

the web site of Adrian Newington

Still My Mind offers you a variety of resources designed to uplift you spiritually & personally through discourses on philosophy, meditation, prayer, faith, as well as the power of Music.

The songs on here are the written directly from the experience of my own journey. They are written with the intent of providing a window into your own spirituality. It is true that this world is a world of struggle, and the struggle of things both worldy and heavenly is eased greatly when we exercise faith. But!... faith in itself can be a struggle, so to be able to exercise it in confidence we need to transcend the powerful Mind which wants to continually protect us, (our natural survival mentality). This can be achieved when we give ourselves an 'experience' of the inner self. This self is realized through meditation, prayer, humility, love of self, and a willingness to walk a journey of discovery to make yourself new.

The revelation of God's love arising from your own heart is a milestone you should anticipate and expect on such a journey. Pray for, and seek guidance... live with hope, for a darkened mind can never illuminate its own way. Strive to be happy.

It is my wish that would be able to know yourself, and have your greatness revealed to yourself. You Are Great!

Be Peaceful,

Adrian

 

---

 

---

next: About Adrian Newington

Find out about ADHD coaching, how it works and how an ADHD coach might help you.

• What is an ADHD Coach?
• How to tell if you are ready for coaching
• Why you would want to hire an ADHD coach
• How ADHD coaching works

What is an ADHD coach?

An ADHD coach is similar to other Professional Coaches, but with an emphasis on helping clients and their families with issues related to ADHD. Coaches, like myself, who specialize in this area, help you understand how inattention, impulsivity or low self-esteem has played a role in your life. As an ADHD Coach, I bring to the relationship a unique understanding and appreciation for the challenges and talents of ADHD. Whether your goals are to become more organized, focused or achieve more successes, as your ADHD coach, I am there to encourage and support you every step of the way!

How can I tell if I'm ready for coaching?

If you are not sure if you are ready for coaching, you may want to ask yourself the following questions:

• Have your tried everything you can think of to make changes on your own and are still struggling with ADHD?
• Are your exhausted from the repeated struggles to make positive changes in your life, without any results?
• Do you feel at times as though you are walking on eggshells?
• Are you tired of disappointing others?
• Do you feel as though you have no control over your life?
• Do you often feel alone and isolated?
• Do you feel that things will be even worse in a year from now if you do nothing to change it?
• Are you ready to make the necessary changes in order to redirect your life towards more balance and happiness?

If you answered "yes" to at least six of the eight questions you are ready for the Change of Focus Coaching Programs which will support you towards taking the next steps towards having the life you deserve.

Why you would want to hire an ADHD coach?

People hire me when they are ready to make changes in their lives. Typically, my clients are feeling overwhelmed by the demands of daily life. They want their life to be different, but are unsure about where to start. I believe that you already have all you need to succeed in life...what you don't have is someone to show you how to access it and put it to use. I will help you to clarify and break down seemingly impossible and overwhelming goals into manageable and achievable steps. I will help you develop skills, strategies and provide the structure necessary for you to discover previously buried talents and strengths. By working with me and the Change of Focus Coaching Program, you will find yourself doing more than you would on your own. You will set goals and accomplish them! With coaching, you will begin to feel more focused, productive, organized, fulfilled and balanced.

How ADHD Coaching Works

Coaching is usually done one-on-one either in person or over the phone. ADHD Coaching involves a series of sessions that combine learning about your own ADHD traits, developing the ability to create strategies that work and taking action towards reaching your desired goals. During the coaching meeting, I help to facilitate the processes through questioning, perspective changes, and accountability. Between the coaching sessions, you further your learning by accomplishing personal challenges that have been jointly designed between you and me. Essential to coaching, is the understanding that you are in charge of determining what is best for you. My role is to keep alive your enthusiasm and commitment to successfully make the changes you desire in your life.

About the author:Laurie Dupar is a Certified Professional AD/HD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) Coach and Educator with over twenty-five years experience working in the mental wellness field.

---

---

next: ADHD Adults Struggle to Focus
~ adhd library articles
~ all add/adhd articles

Life is what happens to us while we are deciding what we want to do with our life.

We may be wise to design a plan that will free us up to "happen to life" instead of the other way around. When we know we need to be doing something different we most certainly will be confronted by all the reasons why we think we can't. They are reasons why disguised as excuses. They are, in reality, one and the same.

There are only results or reasons why. The reasons why are called excuses. The reasons why are the excuses many of us use to justify our choice to do nothing but talk about doing something different.

Talk's cheap. If we really know we need to be doing something different, then we need to do something completely out of character, at least for most of us. . . we need to do something different. The something different is this: this time we need to do something about it. Look into all of the possibilities. Taking this first, major step is the first step towards doing even bigger things better.

The first step almost always feels like the biggest step. You have to take it while you are still afraid. Your intention must be to have fun at your destination. There is something magical about having fun. I have seldom had feelings of fear while having fun; the kind of fear that stops you in your tracks and keeps you from doing what you know you must do. It seems to go away. Poof!

Your feelings about change are very real. They are perfectly normal. It's scary. A choice to change can cause anxiety; fear of what we think might happen. Never allow your feelings to force you into the paralysis of doing nothing. The exercise of inquiry alone can yield amazing results. It can lead you down many paths. The options are endless.

Thinking about questions you've never asked yourself before can tell you a lot about who you are now and can stimulate the answers you already know, yet are afraid to accept since you began to feel the need to do something different. You may even discover that you are already doing what you need to be doing.

Choice demands personal inquiry. It requires self-discovery.

---

continue story below

---

The decision process - that time when you really take an honest look at how things might be if you would only do something different - often is that time when you analyze things to death. You become so confused you want to give up in despair. Listen to your heart. It will tell you, "Never. Never give up!" It also knows "what to do." Listen to it.

Decide to do, even when you are not sure it's the right thing, and feel your self-esteem soar; feel some of your insecurities quickly begin to fade. It feels good to be in control again. We often fail to remember that we are always in charge. We have choice. Life does our bidding.

Most of us complain that life isn't going where we want it to or that life dealt us a bad hand. Not true. Life follows our lead; it heeds our direction. When we don't like what life gives us as lessons, we often complain. A life burdened with complaint has no freedom to discover "what to do." Complaining about life is an energy drain.

Living life creates energy. Living life with gusto is even better. You never again need be concerned about charging your battery. Gusto is it's own self-supercharger. Give yourself fully and with gusto to life and life will give itself fully and with gusto to you. Life feeds on the energy you put into it to making it better.

We sometimes fail to understand that each life lesson is repeated until it is learned. When we don't get it the first time, life gives it to us again and again and again and again and again until it is learned.

When life gives us a lesson, we need to slow down a little and see what life is slowing us down for. Just what is it I need to learn from this experience? For what good purpose am I experiencing what is going on right now? When you look for the good that is coming to you from your present experience, you will find it.

When we focus on being and doing whatever it takes to have our life be better, we not only accomplish a better way of doing and being for ourselves, life also is better for the ones we love; those we are in relationships with. We are easier to be with. We are more fun to do things with.

When we change. . . we give permission to others around us to change. It is not possible to change others. To others, the empowerment for change is often unspoken; it is communicated in the changes they consciously or unconsciously notice in us.

Have you considered the possibility that you don't really need to be doing anything different or new? What if what you are doing now is what you are supposed to be doing? Think about it.

Who says you need to do anything new anyway? Maybe you do and maybe you don't. Sometimes we experience feelings of discomfort about our choices. Discomfort with those with whom we work; with the work we are doing or whatever. We haven't quite put ourselves fully into our present calling so we become bored or uncomfortable with what we do.

Some of us can't imagine ourselves doing anything else because we aren't really sure we can do anything else. And if we could, what would that be? What to do? What to do?

You have a choice. If you think what you do now is boring, do something to put an end to the boredom. If you think what you are doing now is boring, wait till you get to what you decide to do. It won't be any different. You created the boredom. Now, create an atmosphere of excitement around your work. Have some fun doing it. . . even if you don't want to. Especially if you don't want to.

Boredom dissipates when excitement shows up. Always do the best you can. Put your whole self into what you do. When you are excited about what you do, you do a better job; you are free to notice other things; the kind of things that are equally important to living life to its fullest. You can pay attention better. You communicate better. You contribute more. You can really be with people, instead of dreading being there.

Make a list of benefits you receive from being excited about what you are presently doing. Learn to be okay with where you are, while you are there. This doesn't mean that you have to stay there.

---

Being okay with where you are may help you to know that with all the confusion you have created in wondering about "what to do;" when you finally discover what you need to be doing, you may be unable to concentrate fully on the new work to be done because your current level of confusion shows up as boredom, discomfort and dissatisfaction and is still with you.

Being excited about what you do now, even though you feel the need to be doing something else, helps you prepare mentally for being even more excited about what's next.

Being content with where you are may also assist you in understanding that unless you can be happy where you are, you may be unable to find happiness elsewhere. If you are looking for something new because you are unhappy with what you are now doing, you may be looking for the right thing to do for the wrong reason.

When you put energy into something to make it better, you receive energy from it. You don't have to pour a lot of energy into being happy. You simply decide to be happy. It helps to think about happy things. You need to learn to be happy where you are, so you can be happy when you get to where you are going.

Even if you have feelings of unhappiness, discomfort or boredom right now, how do you really know that you need to be doing something else? These feelings are very real. They are worth an in-depth inquiry as to what it is that causes you to feel that way.

Be honest with yourself. If you really want to get to the bottom of things, you must tell the truth to yourself. Self-inquiry is no time to sleeze-out.

In choosing a new direction, don't cop-out! Decide to choose something you love to do! Life is to short to do something you do not love to do. Do what you love. You may miss out on the opportunity to contribute to others by not doing what you love.

---

continue story below

---

When you love what you do, you are more excited about doing it and are more free to share what you have to offer to others. You must love what you do or is the thing you do worth doing?

To not choose "what to do" or to continue to only talk about "what to do," when you know you need to move on is not taking care of you. It is not attending to your own needs.

With indecision about our life's direction, we succumb to the direction life takes us. We fall prey to the choices of others and of our own misguided choices. We then become the unintended victim. Indecision breeds confusion. There is nothing much more uncomfortable than being a confused victim.

Many of us are inconsistent in that we will make decisions when we are fairly certain of the outcome, but when it comes to making a "new direction" decision, that's different! And when we don't make a decision, life just does it's own thing. . . our own thing.

We forget that even in not making a decision, a decision is made. Now, life is again happening to us and we feel out of control.

We must accept that we created the present dilemma we have with 'what to do?' It is our dilemma of choice! It is of our making! And we get to handle it or complain about it or whatever we do about it.

We seldom give thought to the idea that we are the only one who has a clue as to how life got this way. If we would only take responsibility for how life turns out - there's that "r" word again - our life would be different. Perhaps, better.

This is your life. . . right now! Own it. You created it. Do all you can to make it better now! Not someday! What have you got to say about that? Careful. Remember, we are grown up now, supposedly mature, and we are supposed to be responsible and hold ourselves accountable.

What you thought about yesterday has brought you to where you are today. What you think about becomes your past. You are either a slave to your thoughts and ideas or master of them.

It often seems that life is only consistent when we are not. Life will take up the slack. It will fill in the blanks. That's right! That's what it is doing right now and it is doing so at our direction. We tell life what to put in the blanks.

Right now, at this moment in time, we are doing life exactly the way life shows up for us. Our choice is to create it, the way it is, moment by moment. Life is always consistent with our wishes, spoken or unspoken.

With no plans of what to do, we stay busy trying to figure out what to do and struggle to keep our head above water; fighting for our life; being unhappy about what is going on instead of creating new and exciting ways of being and doing so we can get on with our life.

You already have a life. This is it! You don't have to fight for it anymore. When you become so totally dissatisfied with it the way it is, then, you will want to do something about it. That is, unless you catch on; that to make some changes before you allow life to become too painful is the wiser of the choices available.

So. . . if you want the misery, the burden, the confusion and the insecurities to go away. . . make a decision about "what to do!"

It's that simple! Not easy. Only simple. Making the decision is the toughest part.

Putting the decision off only comes from fear. What are you afraid of? Failure? Success? Starting over? Not knowing how? Are you concerned about what other people will think? Or all of the above. . . and more?

Consider putting you first. You are in charge here. Take control. Be good to yourself. Decide. Assert who you would be if you could put your name at the top of the list; the list of people who know "what to do."

---

When you do what you can, to do the best you can - like a promise you keep to yourself - you will begin to feel love for yourself and move far beyond any fear of making a decision. Fear cannot exist in the presence of love. The burden that life feels like, is lifted when you decide "what to do."

Often we say, "I just don't know 'what to do'!" We already know that we don't know "what to do." Why do we feel we must keep telling ourselves that? We know that or we would be doing something different.

The truth is, you do know. When you want to know, you will know. No one else can know for you. . . only you will know.

Take care that your focus is in the right place. It may be time to think and talk about what you might love to do. If you need a "how to," maybe this will help.

Make a list. Write all of your ideas on a piece of paper. Be intentional about choosing something to do.

Don't rule anything out; even the things you think could never happen or would not be appropriate for you. This gets the negative conversations that keep you from focusing on what you want, out of your head and on paper so you can properly dispose of them.

Doing this also keeps your mind focused on coming up with something to do instead of affirming to yourself over and over that you don't know "what to do." After the list gets longer, you can determine what needs to be tossed out and what needs to be considered.

Hang the list on your mirror where you will be reminded to add new ideas to the list as they occur to you. Some of the ideas will make you laugh. Others, you will feel afraid. Or sad. You may experience a myriad of emotions with this process. Stay with it.

Think about results. Imagine the fun you will have on the way to attaining the results. Make several copies and carry one with you at all times. Be creative. Use your imagination.

---

continue story below

---

What makes you feel good when you do it? What do you think might make you feel better about yourself if you did it? Or maybe you haven't done it yet and you think if might feel good. What is that? Write it down. What are others doing that interests you? What kind of people do you enjoy being around?

In your wildest imaginings, what would you really like to take on? Does it serve you as well as others? What could you do that would have you feel good about saying, "I love what I do!"? What would that be? What would you be doing right now if you knew you could not fail?

Never rule out anything because you don't know how to do it or are afraid you might not be able to do it or that you don't have the money to fund the venture or anything else. Just make your list! Write everything down that comes up. Writing things down is a great adventure. It is a path with the possibility of making you free.

Here is perhaps the most important reason you may want to consider writing everything down. Writing down everything frees the heart to express what It wants that is best for you. In that moment, there is a connection between the mind and the heart; it's called trust.

When trust is present, freedom reigns. You can feel it! Having made the decision to write everything down, the heart is free to express those hidden desires and dreams that have been living in the shadows of self-doubt and fear. Fear vanishes in the presents of Love. There can be no trust without Love; love of God, love of self and love of others.

Trust your heart to know what It wants that is best for you. The heart never lies. Desires of the heart are important because they indicate the urging from the spirit of God that is attempting to move you forward.

When your heart speaks, you know it's not you speaking. You normally don't talk like that. The heart speaks only possibilities. The mind often goes back and forth. That part of you - your heart - that speaks like you don't, could be called many things. One possibility is: you could call it God.

What harm could possibly come from trusting in whatever your version of God is?

I trust you will sense the wisdom behind these thoughts. Write everything down! Don't rush. Some of what you write down will be from your own mind. . . some from your heart. When you sort through all of your own thoughts and ideas and the desires of your heart, you will finally discover the infinite treasure you have been looking for and you will know what to do.

As long as you have the discipline for consistency of effort in the area of wanting to know "what to do," you will not have to be concerned about when you will know. We must only listen to our heart to know when it is time to do something new or different. In that moment of truth, when trust is present, the heart has been known to put its ideas first on your list of "what to do". When you trust it, it gives its ideas freely without restrictions or limitations or barriers or reasons why you can't.

Sometimes we trust - for only a split second - get the message and fail to recognize that, "That's it!" We fail to write it down, literally tossing it away; giving our mind permission to dismiss and discard the idea.

In so doing, we fail to give it a chance to birth the many other ideas that might come from inquiring fully about how it might contribute to solving our dilemma. Then, we go about our business of only talking about doing something different. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with talking about doing something different. There is only something wrong with only and always talking about doing something different and never doing anything different.

I suppose we should say something more about wanting to know. Only when you want to know, can you trust enough to get the message. Sometimes we surprise ourselves. We become clear that we want to know, and at that moment, we trust the words of our heart, write them down and we get it the first time.

---

Trust can create some pretty amazing moments like that. Trust produces your imagined results. Put trust at the top of your list and watch what happens. It may be true that "what to do" can only be discovered if you write everything down. It may not be true. I wouldn't gamble on it if I were you. The stakes are too high.

When you decide, the people of the world become your teachers. Once you make a decision, tell people what you are up to and watch what happens! You will truly be amazed. And you must ask for what you want. You could never imagine how many people will fall in line for the opportunity to contribute to you in a way that empowers you to continue with your new quest.

Discovery of what's next for you can only happen when you shut down the conversation that you don't know "what to do" and open up to the infinite possibilities that are available when you truly are ready to know. Remember, if you only and always say you don't know what you want to do, you are right! Are you quite sure this is something you want to be right about?

Life is a series of decisions. They come at us point blank. Someone once said, "It is better to make the wrong decision than to make no decision at all." I agree. Unless we know our calling, we may end up on the short end of the stick.

We may become disappointed at our own inability to cope with making the decisions we know we need to make, to do what must be done. Such disappointment can trigger many more inappropriate decisions that only delay getting to what must be done.

When you know "what to do," the decisions you make have to do with the things you have intentions about. Find someone who's doing what you want to do and request mentoring or hire a coach. Why reinvent the wheel?

Successful people love to share their expertise with others who are on the same path; with the serious truth seekers; those who do when they discover "what to do."

---

continue story below

---

Then, there's the fear. There is only one way to step on your fear. Step on it! You have to lift your foot and step on it! You have to do something. . . while you are still afraid.

We must decide what to do with our lives, then design a do-able plan. We must be specific about our intentions. When we are specific, what we intend to do usually gets done.

Never allow yourself to be closed to doing something new after you have decided what you want to be and do. Never cast this discovery in bronze. Things change. Nothing is constant. Be open to the unlimited possibilities to contribute. To lock in on only one way of serving your purpose in life is to lock out an infinite number of other exciting possibilities.

Many of us seem to wonder about on the path of self-discovery; often confused about being there, and we sometimes wonder off the path. So many new things happen when we begin to inquire about having life be better that we entertain the thought that life was much easier when we didn't know what we now know.

Now that you know, you can never not know. You could give up. You could again devote your time to living in the past; to only talking about doing something different. That doesn't sound like an alternative I would be interested in. How about you? You can never go back and feel good about it. Keep your eyes on the possibilities yet to be discovered. That's exciting!

Replacing old habits takes time and carefully directed energy. The more you discover about yourself, the quicker you can reach workable solutions to help your life be better. They will assist you in staying on the path. It makes replacing old habits easier when you make having fun on the way to the result a high priority.

Replace your old habits with some new, fun habits! Imagine the fun you could have with your life if you would only decide to. Replacing old habits takes imagining, then embracing the end result so dramatically that you develop a 'burn' to be complete with knowing what it is you need to do. Your subconscious mind is impressed by drama. Don't let it down. What you vividly imagine can and will come to pass.

If you are not familiar with journaling, that might help. Journaling is a healthy way of expressing yourself so you can get to know you better.

Believing in the benefits that come from the results will keep you focused on that special something that excites you to action; that pulls you forward. It requires staying pointed in the direction we say we want to go; remaining true to what we know we must do.

Another word that fits here might be discipline. We can all use more of that; the discipline to do whatever it takes to make the discovery that can transform the opportunity you have to contribute to others, into one of instantaneous self-transformation.

This is the only life you have. Focus on what you want to do, then do it with gusto! Until you decide what that is, do what you are doing now with gusto!

You have all the time you have. No one knows how much that is. Do something now! Today! How sad to let time pass without having the discipline to focus on the possibilities new choices can bring.

Everyone is going to die someday. The questions are: "When are you going to start living? When are you going to begin doing?"

You can decide "what to do". . . or not. You can decide who you want to do it with. . . or not. You can decide who you will have to become to accomplish what you want to do. . . or not. You can change your attitude about life. . . or not.

You can do things differently. . . or not. You can discover new ways of thinking. . . or not. You can decide to do and be all of the things you already know you should be doing and being to make your life better. . . or not. You can decide and stick to the better choice. . . or not.

We are only and always talking about choice. God's greatest gift to you is choice!

What to do? What to do?

Knowing "what to do" and doing it most certainly improves the quality of your experience.

And it is only and always up to you!

next: Romantic Jealousy is Scary!