Anxiety and Overthinking Everything

Hello Witek,
Anxiety can be related to genetics, at least partially. It can also definitely be learned. Anxiety is no one's fault but is something complex that develops from many different experiences with our environment, within the brain, and a consequence of interactions with others, including parents. Your mom probably cares about you and wants you to be safe (physically, emotionally -- the whole deal). She might have some fears and anxieties of her own that give her reason to believe that the world is not okay, and by constantly asking and obsessing, it's her way of making sure you are okay. But having that kind of interaction and talk over and over again really could have an impact on how you interact. This is what you learned, and it's naturally how you see things and react. (This is oversimplified and there is a lot more to anxiety -- and to you as a person -- than this. This is an observation based on what you mentioned.)
You have already had a great first step. You've identified what you don't want. The next step is identifying what you do want and then create an action plan that involves small steps to work your way to who and how you want to be. It's common to think, "I know what I want. I don't want to be this way. I want to stop overthinking. That's what I want." But that isn't helpful. When you think about what you don't want, you are thinking of what you don't want. Your focus is on the negative. Just reframing and focusing on what you do want will start to make a difference. Build on that with action, and you will be working toward the change you want to, and can, create.

Hi Trace,
Some therapists do (and should) address overthinking. Others do not. I'm not sure what the VA policy is. If it's possible to try a different therapist? Also, 6-12 weeks apart is a long time between sessions. Have you tried any self-help books about anxiety to work on between sessions? That might be helpful.

Hi Selina,
A constantly racing mind -- that is a really good description. Social anxiety and insecurity can definitely be at the root of this type of overthinking. And as you're seeing, it can keep getting worse! The good news is that it can also get better. Have you looked into social anxiety? Perhaps starting by looking into information about this type of anxiety will be a great first step in reducing overthinking.

Hi Amad,
Anxiety can cause many physical symptoms. Whenever you have something physical like this, it's a good idea to see a doctor to rule out or treat a health condition.

Hi Nestor,
I'm sorry to read about what you're going through. You mentioned wanting to be out and about but being too shy. I'm wondering about something based on what you've written, but I'm definitely not trying to diagnose you. That would be wrong of me and impossible to do with just this little bit of information. Some of what you said reminds me a lot of social anxiety and, beyond that, something called avoidant personality disorder. "Shyness" exists on a spectrum with mild shyness on one end and avoidant personality disorder on the other. Avoidant personality disorder is like social anxiety on steroids. This article will tell you a bit more about this, and if it seems to fit, you can look up some more information: https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2014/03/social-anxiety-a-spectrum-… Intense social anxiety can be hard to overcome, but with patience and perseverance, things will get better. You can even have a job and a social life.

Hi Sasha,
What a long three months you must have had -- and are still experiencing. Of course you want to return to the way things were! And it's possible. It sounds like the root of the overthinking is emotions and relationships. Being able to describe this is great, because you can pinpoint the problems and start addressing them right away. With what you're describing, it's very helpful to work directly with a mental health professional. This link will take you to a list of articles with information about types of mental health treatment, where to find it, and more. Just scroll to the "Mental Illness Treatment" heading, and click on the one(s) that sound helpful to you. https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-illness-overview/mental-health-information…

Hi Alexander John,
Analyzing in this way can be exhausting, and when it blocks you from what's important, it can be a big problem. Have you ever visited with a medical professional or mental health professional about this? This doesn't mean that there is something wrong. It would be a way of investigating to get to the bottom of it. Different things can contribute to the type of analyzing you mention, and if you can pinpoint something, you can better target it so you can live your life free from this overthinking. You can also use your logic and rationality to your advantage. Some people find it useful to compartmentalize their thoughts (others need to work to stop doing this -- it all depends on the individual person). Create a "filing system" in your mind for different types of thoughts. When you are listening to someone and notice yourself analyzing, visualize yourself filing your thoughts away and locking the filing cabinet. If you want to go back to the thoughts later, you can, but if you don't want to, you can keep them locked. This is just a visualization exercise that can help you gain control over your analyzing thoughts. It can feel weird initially, and it takes some practice. Essentially what you're doing is training your brain to just tune in and ignore the tendency to analyze. You might prefer a different technique. Using your own logic could be very helpful.

Hi Nikki,
You've experienced a lot of changes recently (plus have dealt with health issues)! Even positive changes can create anxiety and adjustment struggles. This article is about adjustment disorder and anxiety: https://www.healthyplace.com/ptsd-and-stress-disorders/adjustment-disorder/adjustment-dis…), and at the end there is a link to other helpful articles about adjustment disorder. The number one thing to know right now is that it's temporary. If you'd like, check out the information in the article. That might help you decide whether to seek professional help. Working with a therapist, even for a short time, can be very effective in helping you overcome anxiety, adjustment problems, and more.

Hi Thea,
The physical symptoms you are having sound very much like an anxiety attack or panic attack. The difference between them is that anxiety attacks happen because of fear or excessive worry about something while panic attacks happen "out of the blue" and relate to the fear of having another panic attack.
Anxiety can get in the way of relationships. It can often be helpful to work with a therapist about the relationship anxiety you describe. If you don't have access to mental health professionals, there are services available online, such as betterhelp.com and talkspace.com. They can help you with your thoughts and feelings in your relationship.

Hi Lisa,
It sounds like you have been a wonderful friend. Listening, being available, reassuring, sharing your professional and personal knowledge are all the "right" things to do. (I typically try to avoid such value-laden words like "right" and "wrong," but in this case the things you've been doing are actions that have been shown to be supportive. Therefore, I'll use "right.")
Sometimes people are resistant to support. It may be that she doesn't realize that she's resisting, and it may be that her worries are so intense that they're all-consuming. Talking about them like this might be the only way she has to deal with them. That doesn't mean that you have to keep doing what you've been doing. That won't help either one of you.
It's okay to point out that you think that she needs professional help, either returning to her doctor about medication, seeing a therapist, or both. Sometimes being direct yet kind about it is the best thing. It can be effective to meet with her in person and give her a list of resources in the community (you can often find them in medical offices, community centers, libraries, and mental health resources offices like NAMI or DBSA). Share your concerns with her. Offering to accompany her to an appointment might be good, but only if it works for you and you think she would appreciate the offer. It's okay, too, to tell her that you will be there for her as a friend, but that you can't be her therapist. Situations like these aren't unusual. The "tough love" approach is sometimes the best thing to do. Even if your friend gets mad, odds are that she won't stay mad and will be glad that you led her to professional help. You're clearly a very good friend.

Hi Alex,
Anyone who says that teens don't have stress like adults do either forgot what it was like to be in high school, isn't acknowledging the way the world has become, or both! Just from the little bit that you wrote, I think you are someone who is pretty driven and who is very caring and compassionate. Those are great qualities, strengths that you will use to get you far. These are also things that can make you more vulnerable to stress, anxiety, and other things that take a toll on mental health and wellbeing. Two things you might want to try (there are more than two things you can do, of course) will probably seem like they conflict at first.
One: Think about your sense of purpose and a vision for what you want your life to be like. BUT, and this is a biggie, don't feel that you are tying yourself to this. This is supposed to reduce stress rather than increase it. You are 14 and are beginning to explore what you want to do as an adult. The key word is explore. The purpose of this is to be grounding. With a small beginning of a vision and a plan, you can sort out what you need to go in that general direction. Maths is an important subject, and it's good to do well. But when you look at your general vision, you can see that missing one point won't destroy your chances at anything. Look at the requirements for the jobs you'd like. Even if a high grade is important, it's probably not necessary to score 100% on everything all the time. (It's not necessary because it's not possible!).
2: Let your vision just be there. You can make adjustments to it any time you want to, and you can go to it to remind yourself of what you realistically need to do, but other than that, it doesn't need to (and shouldn't) be the main focus of your daily life. Make it a habit to take slow deep breaths throughout the day because that helps calm the brain and body. Pay attention to what is going on right now, in the moment you're in. When you notice yourself feeling sick because you're worried about your friend, check in with him. See how he's doing. When you're in the moment, you can either respond to a problem that you notice (as opposed to a worry in your head), or you can dismiss a worry because you can see evidence that the worry isn't based on something real happening right now. This is known as mindfulness. If you're interested, check out www.mindfulnessforteens.com. This is a great resource for dealing with stress and anxiety.
The anxiety and worry you are experiencing won't last. You can do things to overcome them.

Hi Mamba,
It sounds like this mental chatter is starting to really disrupt your life -- when it invades things that used to bring you peace and happiness, it definitely is natural to be frustrated and want to do something. Sometimes well-meaning people want to reassure others, like those that are telling you it's classic anxiety. If your instincts are telling you that it could be something different, follow those instincts. You seem very self-aware. That awareness is a strength you can use to move forward. You might want to start by consulting your doctor. Even though you're having success with citalopram, there's a chance that minor dosage adjustments need to be made. Also, working with a therapist might be very helpful, especially since the medication has been working but this issue is lingering. Your doctor, a therapist, or both can help you get yourself out of the cycle.

Hi Estelle,
Anxiety can be a trap and a vicious circle -- you comment about the cycle of being anxious about your anxiety captures this well! I'm wondering if you've heard of adjustment disorder. It's a (usually) temporary condition caused by change like a move. Even positive change can lead to adjustment disorder. Anxiety is very much a part of it. This article has some information: https://www.healthyplace.com/ptsd-and-stress-disorders/adjustment-disorder/adjustment-dis… If you think it sounds like it might be a possibility, you can talk to your doctor or mental health professional like a therapist. You can deal with both adjustment and anxiety and be able to move into your new house with your boyfriend.

Hi Betty,
I don't think your English is bad at all. It's very good, actually. I understand exactly what you said. In this setting, it could be harmful to you if I tried to tell you that you have depression or anxiety. That would not be helpful. I will just observe that what you shared does have elements of anxiety, especially performance anxiety, perfectionism, and a lot of pressure. A big part of this type of anxiety is the belief that you must be "good enough" to pursue a certain major/program in school, job, career, etc. It can feel as though there are no options. Then the thought of disappointing parents makes things even worse. Sorting this out with someone could be very helpful. It could be a mental health professional, or a trusted relative, teacher, spiritual leader, parent, etc. There are so many paths. There are good options for you no matter what that result is, even if it's not the one you want (and who knows -- it could be what you want!). But it's hard to see those options on your own when you're so close. If you can talk with someone regularly and talk about your hopes, dreams, goals, visions for your future life and how to get going in the direction you want to go. If you feel that things aren't getting better or are getting worse, a visit to your doctor or a therapist might be very helpful, too. Right now, school and exams are huge. They won't always be. And they are a part of what you need for your next step, but other things are important, too. Opening up to someone you trust might go a long way in reducing your anxiety.

Hi Dave,
I'm so sorry to read of all of these things you have been dealing with, one right after the other. Your reaction is very normal. This article from the Anxiety and Depression Association of America has information about anxiety that relates to health, and it talks about cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). That is a treatment approach that helps people change their thoughts about themselves and things in their life: https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/health-anxiety
Have you thought of what you would say to your wife or kids if they were going through what you are? What things would you tell them? How would you truthfully encourage them? If they were being hard on themselves, how would you handle it? If you give time and thought to these questions (and other concepts similar to them), you could turn the tables and say those things to yourself. Treat yourself with the same compassion as you would your family.
Finally, despite your pain (actually, because of it), find ways to bring joy into your life when movement is probably limited right now. Reading, playing games with your family, working on a model, etc. -- engage in something that helps you take your mind off of the physical and emotional pain. Whatever you do, hang in there.

Hi Andrea,
As if the teen years weren't challenging enough for teens and parents! Anxiety can grip teens, and given their stage of development and unique way their brain thinks and processes, can make it grow easily and quickly. I might muddle everything by suggesting things that might contradict the work your son is doing with his therapist (there are so many approaches to anxiety, but trying too many at one time could increase anxiety). I do have a resource to share with you. It's a book called Helping Your Anxious Teen: Positive Parenting Strategies to Help Your Teen Beat Anxiety, Stress, and Worry by Dr. Sheila Achar Josephs. Dr. Josephs specializes in anxiety in teens and helping parents help teens. The book is available on Amazon, but it might be available at your local library, too. The book contains practical, helpful strategies. Your son is very lucky, by the way. Sadly, not every parent is patient, and not every parent will take their child/teen to see a therapist. It might not seem like these are big things, but they are huge. Even if you haven't seen results, in being so caring and supportive, you are having a very positive, helpful effect on your son.

Hi Harris,
Relationships, whether they're friendships, romantic relationships, and even family relationships, are so hard! It seems like the longer we know someone, the harder they become. A lot of it has to do with the thoughts you described. You made an excellent point about movies. This is something that happens a lot. We (and I say "we" because I've done it and still do it until I catch myself) tend to interpret movies and TV as representations of reality. They seem real, after all. And they often portray the ideal relationships that people want. What we forget is that they're scripted. The people say what they say and do what they do because they have lines and directions provided. (Look at how the real people, the celebrities who play the characters, behave in real life. There's evidence of non-scripted behavior!).
What has happened is that movies and TV have warped our expectations. And when things don't go like they do on screen, we question what's "wrong" and overthink to try to get things back to how we think they should be. Unrealistic expectations, no matter where they come from, cause a great deal of heartache, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and more. Something that is helpful for many people (myself included) is to take an honest look at our expectations. Even write them out. What is your vision of a great friendship? Then get honest with yourself. How many of your qualities fit in the real world? How would you define a good relationship with more realistic, unscripted, undirected, features? Then, what actions do you need to take to override your unrealistic expectations and work toward the realistic ones? Sometimes it works to observe others and talk to people you trust about their relationships.
I honestly say kudos to you for your insight about movies. You've got it! Now run with it (but know that it's a process that takes time.)

Hi Alyssa,
It's really cool that you have gone to such lengths to help your friend. Not everyone would do this (how much better the world would be if everyone could be so caring and act on it). That said, it's important for you to know that you aren't responsible for other people and their happiness or actions. Do what you can do, like talking to her, reaching out for help, and know that other people have responsibility for themselves, too. I just wanted to throw that out there because sometimes people who are so caring and who value friendships like this can put too much on their own shoulders. :)
It would be good if your friend could connect with an adult who can listen and talk to her from a different perspective (outside of her peers who she feels she has to put on a bubbly face for or avoid by hiding behind her phone). Anybody that has been a positive part of her life will be a good start. Maybe a teacher, school counselor, or other school staff member, coach/activity leader, clergy member, etc. You can gently suggest to your friend that she talk to someone. If she refuses but doesn't improve, it's okay for you to go talk to the person and explain what's going on. The person will either reach out to your friend or point you to someone else that would be a better help.
A warning: sometimes (not always) people get angry when someone tries to get them help. In most cases, once the person is feeling better, he/she will be very glad for the help and no longer be angry.
I think your friend is lucky to have you as a friend. While you can't solve her problems, you're being supportive and helping her help herself. Not everyone can do that.

Hi Padyee,
Don't worry about your English in writing. I can understand you perfectly. While I'm not in a position to diagnose you, I'll just make an observation that what you are describing does have some components of both anxiety and depression. But that doesn't mean that they're strong enough or numerous enough to be full-blown anxiety or depression. It makes a lot of sense that you are feeling this way and having so many thoughts about work. Returning to work after any health issue -- especially brain surgery -- is a challenge, and thyroid issues make matters worse. It's amazing how much the tiny thyroid has to do with our health and wellbeing. You were very right in communicating to your boss that you haven't fully recovered yet. I'm sorry he didn't listen. You have a lot going on in addition to healing, and it sounds like it all involves work, whether that work is at your job or at home with your family. Your kids are at challenging stages that can be exhausting physically and mentally.) You're tired from healing and from demands plus aren't able to have the element of fun/enjoyment in your life right now. That all takes its toll. This is normal and will pass, but it's difficult while it's happening. You mentioned a psychiatrist. You might not need a psychiatrist, as psychiatrists specialize in medication. You might consider a therapist (especially a woman). You can talk with a therapist, and you can sort things out. As difficult as things are right now, you will get through this. You're speaking up, and you know that you don't like how things are right now so you're looking for ways to change. Right there is proof that you'll get through this.

Why would u even WANT a guy like that? U need councling.