Paralyzing Fear of Bipolar Disorder

Fear is at the very heart of Bipolar Disorder. - Yes, there is fear in the idea that your mind is not 100% reliable and that you need the support of professionals, meds, friends etc. to "be yourself" and flourish in life. - But the larger role of fear is seen in the behavior - mania - and extreme depression - are fear-driven flights from reality, from events that hit us where we are emotionally vulnerable. This is why mental health cannot ever be simply achieved with medication alone, one needs to do the inner work that is required by spiritual growth. You're not mentally health so long as you run; you have to stand and face your fear.

This is an amazing post. I can't even begin to describe the fear I felt when first diagnosed, or the fear I still feel sometimes. It's good to know that I'm not alone. Thanks Natasha.

For me, having a name for what was wrong with my brain was a huge relief. I always knew I was crazy, but now I know what flavor of crazy I am and that's great.
I hope people who think they may be ill will overcome their fear of diagnosis and seek help because it can make such a difference in their lives. For example, being diagnosed meant that I got a prescription for Seroquel, This has been a Godsend for me, since insomnia was always my worst enemy both when I'm "up" and when I'm depressed. No other sleeping pill worked for me for more than a few days. Sleeping like a "normal" person has already had a wonderful effect on my life. I'm no longer walking around in a sleep-deprivation haze. Things look a lot less bleak now.
I'm already afraid of what will happen if and when the Seroquel stops working and I'm afraid of what side effects my Lamictal will have, but at least I know that I am taking control of my illness instead of letting it control my life.
Thanks for your blog. It has been very enlightening to me although I am so very, very sorry that your life has been so full of pain. My depression manifests as complete lack of feelings rather than emotional pain, but I still know what it is like to start thinking of ways to end it all.
All of us just have to keep up the fight and hope that medicine improves. In the meantime, we can at least take pride in our endurance in the face of great adversity, right?

Hi Mari,
Thank-you for the comment. You are not alone in your fear. Many of us stand together in and against it.
- Natasha

Hi Kathy,
Such a great comment, thanks.
I've always believed that sleep was a cornerstone of mental wellness. In fact, there's some evidence that mental illness comes partially from a discordant circadian rhythm. (It's a common issue with people with ADHD - they can't sleep at night.) And if you can sleep, "like a normal person," you will feel _so_ much better.
It's one of the things that people don't get about sleeping meds. I would _much_ rather take sleeping meds and get rest than stay away knowing that I'm "med free." Because staying awake generally means something is really wrong and I'm about to get worse.
(Seroquel helps a lot of people sleep. The one thing I can tell you is that if, for some reason, in the future, you do have issues with Seroquel, there are other options out there. So maybe that is one less worry for you.)
I have lack of feeling and emotional pain. How can I have both? I'm mysterious and enigmatic I suppose.
"All of us just have to keep up the fight and hope that medicine improves. In the meantime, we can at least take pride in our endurance in the face of great adversity, right?"
A fabulous point and well said. I know it sucks in the short term, but if we can look to the longer-term we can see that new knowledge will be gained and treatment options do get better over time.
And adversity? I swear, I wouldn't know how to live anywhere else.
- Natasha

There no evidence whatsoever that there was anything wrong with your brain prior to the constant deluge of brain-damaging psychotropics, ECT and VNS you've done to it. There's just as much science behind claiming your problems are caused by demon possession as their is to claim you have a "sick" brain. You make yourself a victim.

Nami,
I had been diagnosed with bipolar 1 and was completely med free, and proud of it, when I had the worst manic mixed episode complete with delusions, paranoia and ended up in the hospital this past fall. I am now on meds and much better and happier. Science or no, there was DEFINITELY something wrong with my brain. You just don't act like that unless something is wrong. So for me, and even my friends and family, we are glad for the "constant deluge" of meds.

Hannah, Your conclusions involve errors in logic. You can snort coke or drop acid, and alter your mental state as well. There WILL be something wrong with your brain eventually. The drugs can cause tissue loss in the pre-frontal cortex at a rate of up to 1% each year. They've been shown repeatedly to cause WORSE long-term outcomes, and we see recovery rates of over 90% in people with "schizophrenia" who don't go on the drugs and stay on them. Bipolar now see a chronic course it never saw in history, and psychiatric disability rates have skyrocketed due to the way psych drugs are being prescribed these days, especially in the Unites States.
As for how helpful they may seem too you, most patients will say that while chemically lobotomized, even while they are unable to work,or attend school, gaining weight at astronomical speeds, becoming obese, developing diabetes and heart disease, etc. These drugs do not treat "brain illnesses". That's a fact.

NAMIDearest,
How nice you've become a regular reader.
"You make yourself a victim."
Admitting to an illness no more makes me a victim than admitting to cancer make someone else a victim. I'm a person. With an illness. Period.
- Natasha

You're not admitting anything. You're lying to yourself.

Nami-not-at-all-dearest, I bet you are not bipolar, and I bet you are not a doctor, either. What the hell are you doing here? Get a life and let us live with our illness and with our meds if we want to...
I hate medication and I am off it for the time being, but at least I recognise that some people need it in order to appear as normal as everybody else, and they have every right to take them without being criticized or feeling guilty, without a freaking nami that has absolutely no idea...
I hope you become bipolar too, let me then see your theories and preaching jumping off the window and you running towards the doctor and his good old pills...
If you think I insulted you, remember you insulted me and many other people with bipolar disorder by thinking this illness doesn't exist, we victimise ourselves and nothing was wrong with our brains prior medication- so, let me translate this, a brain can't have a problem of its own, but it can acquire one through drug poisoning?
If you really think so, you are delusional and crazier than most bipolar people I know, and then I am crazy enough to start arguing with you... instead of ignoring such trolls and malevolent creatures as you seem to be!

Hi Natasha,
Thanks for writing about this. Being diagnosed with a mental illness really is terrifying for many people. I've noticed that for some, like you mentioned, a diagnosis is a relief because at least now they have a name for what ails them. Not to mention a treatment path. But more often than not, what I hear from people newly diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder is terror and extreme confusion. It's a painful reality to adjust to, even if diagnosis does offer the hope of appropriate treatment.

Quick reminder all:
We are adults, name-calling does not become us.
Fervent disagreement with some of the statements made is perfectly normal, but please do not be abusive or I will have to delete your comment.
Thank-you.
- Natasha

Hi Holly,
"what I hear from people newly diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder is terror and extreme confusion. It’s a painful reality to adjust to, even if diagnosis does offer the hope of appropriate treatment."
Yup, I hear this a lot too. Mental illness is scary for so many reasons. I could write an entire book about just that.
But, you Holly, my dear, make it less scary. You're beautiful, functional and, not to put words in your mouth, but occasionally happy? I like to think that would take the edge off the fear of a DID diagnosis.
Fear is real. But we stand. Makes a little extra protection for the others who can't.
- Natasha

Thanks, Outerspace. You gave me a good chuckle. All anyone needs to do to get your "bipolar brain disorder" is go to a shrink and rattle off a few "symptoms" from the DSM cookbook.

Hi Tracey, I found you again! I am wondering about using Seroqule for sleeping, because my LAST doctor, who I LOVED (he gave me what ever I wanted and he was really cute and he hugged me goodby when he left really good) was transfered to a better job but he told me it was because of Serqule which I was on before he left and it DID help me sleep.

It's disturbing that someone with that much animosity towards something they obviously have no actual experience or connection with has that much time on their hands to come on a site where all people are trying to do is heal and support one another and start spreading negativity and discord. If that's how you feel, that's your right. But feel it somewhere else, away from people who are dealing with enough pain.

Lisa,
Thank-you. Beautifully said.
- Natasha

Hahahaha! Lisa, That's what you think, but you have no idea.

Re:NamiDearest,
We get it, you are a bully. Now please move on. If you have an issue with "Modern Psychiatry" go picket Pfifer. Victimizing the people you call victims makes you look pathetic.
The vibe here is loving, you should show some respect.

Loving? The vibe here is more like heavily medicated and lacking insight.

Just my opinion, and mind you I am not a doctor or trying to hand out diagnoses. It sounds to me like "NamiDearest" is maybe having a pretty rough bipolar episode of their own and fighting medication that is DEARLY needed.

Natasha: Your comments hit close to home. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after a manic episode nearly killed me. I had no idea what had happened to me. I was absolutely terrified. Two months of inpatient recovery, learning about the illness and getting on the right medications helped me tackle the fear. Knowledge is power and we do not have to live in fear. If you find the time, please read my short memoir LADIES OF KILO available as an e-book at www.chipmunkapublishing.co.uk I would be so interested in your opinion. Sincerely, KristiLynn Valdez

Hi KristiLynn,
"I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after a manic episode nearly killed me."
I'm sorry, that must have been extremely difficult. I don't have manias just hypomanias but I know how terrifying it is to feel your brain out of control.
"Knowledge is power and we do not have to live in fear."
You are absolutely right. Fear is real. And knowledge does dispel the fear.
I can't promise I'll have a chance to take a look at your worked as I'm swamped right now, but I'll see what I can do.
- Natasha

NAMI dearest!! Ummm, ok! U have the right to ur own thoughts but y be here? This is for support not for the unsupporters to be here!

NamiDearest,
[removed by moderator] No one wants to take these mess or give them to their children. I probably used to think I knew it all like you do, before God blessed me with the opportunity to adopt the most beautiful baby boy. He has pediatric bipolar. We tried everything before giving him meds. Andnits not lack ofnparenting skills on our part, as our other 3 (1 biological and 2 adopted) children are just fine. [removed by moderator]

Natasha,
This article has been instrumental in navigating a two-week-old diagnosis of having Bipolar Disorder. New to the ball game, I gave this article to family and friends.
Your article really expressed what I was going through... The paralyzing fear of dugs/no drugs, metal illness = Crazy-town, my family feeling that they had to hold in a secret, the stigmatization, etc, etc, ad naseum...
Your article was an eye opener for family and friends as a place to begin discussions of "what it all means." I don't know what I would have done without having these conversations with my family. I can't express the positive impact that your article has had a starting point for real and important discussions.
Also, if anyone is reading this that has received a recent diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, Rich Wallace, of the The Bipolar Spouse, has written a short e-book "Entering Into A Bipolar Relationship" that dove-tails nicely into Natasha's article.
You can find it here at:
http://www.thebipolarspouse.com/ebooks/
I think the brevity of both article and e-book (no cost) helped vs. giving family and friends some 400 page book off Amazon titled "Now That Hell Has Come To Visit, How Do You Make It Welcome." Zing! You know what I mean?
Natasha, thanks again. You're a talented writer, and I hope folks are hiring you left and right. They should be. Your article articulated an understanding of what it means to be new to a mood disorder that truly bites the big one. You were of great help to myself, family and friends.
Sincerely,
jt

Hello Bipolartude,
First, thank-you. I'm honored that I could help and thank-you for taking the time to come here and tell me about it.
I agree, I think it's hard to read a whack of pages when you're in crisis. You have to save the deep reading for when you're not drowning. It's a triage thing. Bite-sized chunks of help and life. Good for everyone. Doesn't give you a tummy ache.
You're also making a great point about having these conversations with family. So many of us hide in the dark too scared to say anything. Talking matters. Support matters. It's hard, but tackling it can make such a difference.
Thank-you for the compliment on the writing. I certainly appreciate it from one who's not too bad himself.
- Natasha

I was diagnosed bipolar years ago. I never believed it, not for a second. I know I had issues and fought with depression but I had a rough life. I self medicated for 8 years, then I went to rehab and ive been clean for a year. Now that im clean, Im on an emotional roller coaster. I never know how Im going to feel when I wake up, I hate waking up. I dont take naps because I cant deal with waking up twice in one day. Ive moved 3 times this year, once was with someone I didnt know. Im very impulsive, and sometimes I dont care. I do crazy things. Im very intelligent but i cant seem to get my life together. I can be very happy one minute and then suddenly very very deressed. Im very pretty and a good person. I have no problem getting men, keeping them is a whole different story. I have met people i thought i loved, and had found a great friend then ill move and never talk to them again. And not feel anything? I started reading about this disorder and I started crying because i felt like i was reading about me. The hypersexuality, all of it. Im seeing a therapist next week, hopefully it will help. Im on antidepressants but they dont do a whole lot. Im my own worst enemy. I selfdestruct all the time and Im helpless to stop it. Im afraid when Im happy because i know what is coming. I sometimes feel im desperate to do anything, good or bad to feel ok. Ive always been like this, it seems to have gotten worse now but I think its because I covered it up with painkillers for so long. Well, i just wanted to share what I go through. It feels good to talk about it.

Hi Cindy,
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Many people can't accept the diagnosis at first. Many, many people self-medicate. Many have been where you are now. You're not alone in your experience,
It's really good that you are getting help now. But you should know that people with bipolar disorder should _not_ be on an antidepressant without also being on a mood stabilizer as well.
If you are bipolar, being on an antidepressant alone often makes the bipolar _worse_.
I don't normally say things unequivocally, but in this case, medical thinking is quite clear.*
Please see a doctor immediately and get this addressed. An antidepressant by itself could send you into a mania and that's the last thing you want.
- Natasha
* I am not a doctor, but I do feel strongly on this point.

I will talk to my doctor. My moods are very extreme. Everything I feel is extreme, theres no happy medium. Im very happy or Im very depressed. I get restless and bored but i cant do anything. I never saw myself as being manic until I started reading about it. When i started journaling and I went back later and read what I wrote, it made me sick. I was all over the place. But thank you for the advice, Im not sure if this is bipolar but I am seeking help.

Just feeling scared about how I'm going to live into old age, if I end up bipolar & all alone & responsible for myself, my bills, with my bipolar. Who will be there to take care of me when I plummet to the dark side, all by myself. I am so very afraid. These are the thoughts that cause me to think of ways to take my life. I won't be able to stand being all alone, if I don't have the money to be able to take care of myself. If I did? I could live. I could make it work. Suicidal ideation I guess. I'm so very afraid.

Kathy,
I happen to read through all these responses tonight and yours was some 5yrs after all the prior conversations. Since you and I aren't far apart from our visits to the site I figured I'd reach out. I relate to the fear and it may be your post that directed me to the site as I had typed in Google about my fear associated with this illness. We need not focus on the how's or negative based worry of what if. We have to will everything to play out positively. Will it with our verbal expression of the beliefs, supportive gestures, etc. Power and light to you!

Hi Natasha it's been awhile...I've been very physically sick but nice piece of writing as always...I always knew I wasn't well so I wasn't scared of the diagnosis.....but I'm scared of the actual power of it.
After a few yrs of living with it. Plus I live with severe paranoia.
My psych likes to chat less & push drugs more,but where I live there's unfourtunately a lack of psychs .....I mean he doesn't drug you till comatose but I wish he'
I mean it's not comatose but I wish we would do more therapy.
Max time 15 or so mins bugs me plus he keeps me waiting I'm early
Same old I guess with many peeps.
Anyway wonder if anyone has a fear of going outside?
I do have years don't know why I look ok & all
I'd like to walk but feel frozen....feel paranoid.
Likely from part of my past ....I don't know
Appreciate any thoughts it's spring like here I just want to walk
As hard as I try I feel like a statue.
Or maybe BP symptoms not slept well 2-3 nites
Though had this prob years!
Too embarrassed to tell anyone.....