Surviving abuse feels like a miracle. Over all, surviving my abusive marriage has been a wonderful, empowering experience. However, my recovery from domestic abuse hasn't gone exactly as I thought it would. Some things have been downright crappy. This year, the happiness of surviving abuse is diminishing. The crappy is beginning to outweigh the happy. Surviving abuse is a beautiful accomplishment. Surviving recovery . . . well that's what this story is about.

Denial in abusive relationships is a coping skill abuse victims tend to overuse. I took a trip to Egypt to understand denial during my abusive relationship. You would think that now, after leaving my abuser, I would be on guard for the mighty river. And you would be wrong. Boy oh boy. Have I ever made some mistakes after leaving my abusive husband. I know that from a distance it looks like I've got my stuff together. I mean, I write this blog and give tips on how to heal from abuse and have a really good grip on the dynamics of abuse. You would think I'd be off making new kinds of mistakes, having new kinds of adventures and leaving Egypt and it's river to tend to themselves. Ha! Double ha! Oh no - now I'm really laughing at myself . . . hold on a second while I remember what I was talking about . . .

It's well known that your abuser's first order of business was to isolate you, the victim, from family, friends, and anyone else who would offer you support. Once isolated, the aloneness and loneliness can take a toll on both your self-confidence and mental health (depression, social anxiety, addiction and other mental illnesses are associated with isolation).1 So, after living in isolation during the abusive relationship, it is possible that you continue to isolate yourself out of either the habit of isolation or symptoms of mental illness. If you want to end your habit of isolation during abuse recovery, here are some ideas to consider.

During my recovery since leaving domestic abuse and violence, there have been many ups and downs. Life can be quite confusing when you use your intuition instead of relying on someone else to tell you what to do! So, I'd like to share some of the revelations and problems I've encountered since leaving domestic abuse and my abusive husband.

Recently I had the opportunity to converse with a woman, Cathy, who lives with an abusive man. She didn't know exactly where to start her story, but I noticed that "psalm27" was part of her email address. I am familiar with the prayer because it gave me comfort during my days of living with an abusive man. Initially, Psalm 27 seemed to tell me to stay on track, that God sent trials my way for a reason. I came to understand it differently, and I'd like to share with you the email I sent to Cathy (with her permission of course, and with a few edits for clarity). I don't usually delve into religion or my lack of religion on this blog. I do not pretend to be a biblical scholar. However, God (by whatever name) and I are tight. I listen to The Voice - but sometimes my human mind doesn't want to hear the real message at first.

First I need to clarify something. There are no domestic abuse victims reading this post. I know that because if you are an abuse victim, you're online researching troubled relationships and self-help information aimed at fixing a frazzled marriage. You certainly are not searching for information about any "abuse victim". In my mind, abuse victims do not know they are abuse victims. Abuse victims truly do not recognize the abuse as abuse. If you know and admit that you're in an abusive relationship, then you are no longer a victim. You are a survivor of domestic abuse. Only survivors read this blog, pure and simple. That said, you may wonder why I am writing an article for an abuse victim who will never read it. Because I want to remind you, the survivor, just how far you've come in your efforts to end abuse in your life.

On May 3, I arrived at my sister's home in Texas. I left Marc (19) and Eddie (17) behind in North Carolina despite my breaking heart. Financially, I simply couldn't afford to pretend "it will all work out" any longer. Codependency kept me there, financial ruin forced me to move. In hindsight, I wish I'd left a year ago before life became more difficult for my oldest son. My staying allowed him one more year of destroying himself with drugs in his safe and protected environment - my home. I feel like a fool for enabling Marc and falling into the habit of codependency. I thought I'd already learned that lesson from his father in that substance addiction always wins over good sense. The rope I gave Marc to hang himself twisted around my neck instead, suffocating me and separating me from my inner safe place.

Big ol' belly laughs that catch you by surprise feel so good! They feel better now that feeling happy doesn't make me sad. That idea is confusing; laughing until you cry doesn't usually mean you cry sad tears, but it happened to me a lot during my abusive marriage. Usually, the laughing started during a phone call with my sister. Anything could get us going, and for a few beautiful minutes, nothing mattered except the funny bit between us. I laughed until my sides ached and the tears flowed like water. But then, when the laughter dried up and I started wiping the tears from my eyes, the tears wouldn't stop. My face, sore from smiling, suddenly dropped into a frown. I covered my face because I felt embarrassed to feel so...damn...sad. Those last tears fell because when the laughter was done, I returned to my sad, closed-off life of mind-numbing pain. Sometimes I would stay on the phone with her when she asked what was wrong. Usually I cut the conversation short when I felt the change to pain begin.

The fear caused by abuse is an emotion that can stick with you during abuse and after the abusive relationship is over too. One of the hardest things to look at during or after an abusive relationship is the mental and emotional damage the abuse caused in us. We remember who we were before the abuse and may feel like a sad shell of that person after it. It is scary and heart-breaking. You may feel more defenseless, helpless and hopeless than before you knew your partner abused you. After all, now you fight your mind as well as the abuse your (ex) partner inflicts. You will never change your partner. You are already their target for abuse, and once you are the target it is difficult if not impossible to change back into "you" in their eyes. However, you can change yourself. You can change your thoughts, your feelings, and the way your brain is wired. But remember, although "change" is something that can happen to you, if you want to heal from abuse, change must be something you DO.

Quotes on abuse from domestic violence survivors about the abuse and leaving their abusers show us their courage and insight. But perhaps more importantly, quotes on abuse give a glimpse of the future to survivors who have not left their abusive partners. I hope you catch a realistic version of your future without your abuser within these quotes on abuse (Insightful Quotes on Abuse Issues). It isn't easy, but that new start is worth the pain of leaving.