Co-Parenting With An Abuser
All of us survivors know that our ex will at least verbally and emotionally abuse our children. We survivors also know how hard that type of abuse is to prove, and even proving it doesn't mean your ex will have less time with our children. Proving non-sexual or non-physical abuse typically results in therapy if it results in anything at all. Therapy doesn't work unless the abuser wants to change. They don't want to change which is the reason you left them in the first place.
If you are in this position, then you have to fight back through education and love. That is easier said than done, but it is very important to "do it" more often than you don't.
- Educate your kids about bullies, sexual predators, and dating violence.
- Empathize with them when their other parent hurts them, remind them how great they are, and have faith that your children are smart cookies who will continue to talk to you about their problems.
- Introduce your children to therapy, keep your eyes open for signs and symptoms of abuse, and report any allegations or proof of sexual or physical violence as soon as you see it.
- Create a new safety plan with your children. Make sure they know what they can do if they feel afraid while at your ex's house. You may have to be very careful about this because focusing on "what to do if you're at mom's house and she starts hitting you" could have negative effects. Instead, create a safety plan for your home, the babysitter's, grandma's, their friend's and your ex's. Make it a general "what to do if I am scared" plan without singling anyone out, then practice it with them.
Yes, it feels horrible to know that your kids cannot escape the emotional manipulation and pain like you did through separation or divorce. It is very difficult to cope with your kids' visits to your ex when you truly believe it is but a matter of time before your children are injured on the outside too. It is a helpless feeling to watch them go off to your ex's home, knowing "something bad" is waiting for them there. However, you cannot allow yourself to remain attached to your abuser through the children. So long as you feel like a victim (out of powerlessness to help your kids like you want to) you will remain a victim.
Remind yourself that now you are free of your ex's daily abuse, much stronger and smarter, and therefore in a better position to support your children in helpful ways. When you lived with abuse, you did not have the freedom to combat it that you do today. Remember to be grateful that you set an example for your children and try to stop beating yourself up every time they visit their other parent. Your kids visit your abuser because the court says they have to do so, not because you want it that way.
Forgive yourself for being unable to protect them 100% from their abusive parent. You can't protect them all of the time anyway. Children must learn hard lessons about all kinds of things on their own. They will be grateful that you were there for them, their safe place, if the other parent abuses them. They'll see the difference in the two of you in time. Let that awareness be as natural for them as possible (meaning don't habitually point out the other parent's flaws even if they talk badly about you).
Protect Yourself
You are no good to your children if you allow yourself to be abused by your ex.
- If you stay on the phone while your ex admonishes you for your poor parenting skills so you can eventually talk to them about the kids, you're allowing the abuse to continue. Hang up the phone at the first insult and send an email instead. Write only about the children.
- Don't allow your ex to enter your house without knocking and respect their home in the same way.
- Keep your personal boundaries strong. Let your children see that your ex can't get to you (at least not for long). They need to see you as separate from your ex; they need to know they have two homes, two parents, two different families to love. (They do love their other parent, always will - let them, and be there without "I told you so" if your ex lets them down.)
Your way of parenting will not affect your ex's ideas about parenting. Don't let their way of parenting affect yours. The idea is to work with your ex when it is reasonable to do so, but remember that you have separate homes and separate lives. You get to set the rules at your house.
- Don't let them talk you into spanking when you prefer time-outs, not even "for consistency between households".
- If your ex grounds your daughter from her cell phone (for good reasons) but you feel more comfortable if she has it on her at school, then take it from her as soon as she gets home.
- Drop any expectation that your ex will enforce a punishment you set for your child while the child visits them.
Realize that your children will play you against your ex sometimes. Your kids are smart; they know both of their parent's well. Our kids do not label us "bad" and "good" people. We're "mom" and "dad". If you think you're being played and that your child is doing something dangerous, email your ex to tell them about it.
- You may get no response or your ex could degrade you for your thoughts, but keep in mind that, most likely, your ex wants your children alive and well too (If they don't, you probably have proof of that and already took it to the authorities).
- If you receive a nasty reply, read it (I know you will), then archive it. I add my ex's emails to a folder labeled "Jerk" - it feels really good to hit the button sending it to that folder! I save them just in case I need proof of something in the future. I don't reread them, and I don't give them a second thought. I did what I needed to do when I informed him about our child.
Remember that you cannot see the future. Your gut instincts and intuition do not determine destiny. Your fears may never come true. Trust that if they do, you will have the presence of mind to do the right thing at the right time for the right reasons.
Do the best you can today. Take a deep breath, hug and kiss your kids, and talk to them. Parent the best way you know how, keep educating yourself so you can teach your kids how to live free of abuse, and keep your ex abuser's voice out of your decisions.
Keep your focus on your relationship with your child. How your ex fixes or screws up their relationship with your child is beyond your control.
You can do this. It isn't easy, but you can do it.
You can find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
APA Reference
Jo, K.
(2012, December 6). Co-Parenting With An Abuser, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, May 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/12/coparenting-with-an-abuser
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
Majority of court systems have legal aide and low cost legal help .. contact your local court system to see if they have the help you need. You may also contact http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/ to find a local center that may be able to assist in a variety of ways. Hang in there! Prayers.
I was young when I had my first child at 18 yrs old young an no parenting skills. I had no love respect from family cause the verbal n mental abuse hunt me all my life. My childs father left me never came back cause my family got in the way. I decide to move on a single mom n dad but I was soround abuse family who always in the negative issue I could never nothing right for them not judge me. My son was 4 months when I aloud myself be free stress n focus on our future. I met this guy in the military I was close to my 19 bd since he was in US military Army he was not to be close by to actually get to each we decide to communicate to mail letters in February of 87 we decide to meet up n see what happen it was love at first sight for me. I reject others near by. He seem charming guy intelligent very good educated hard worker n gentle man he actually swept off my feet. I felt like young teen. He met my son he hold him n my son smile at him. It didn't took long n we married that was biggest mistake I regret. My friends try to warn that they disapprove cause he was not meant to be my mother got upset but didn't have no choice. I became his wife n I felt so happy that my son would have a future. We move in with him military base not far from home. He was most loving husband n step dad gives all love caring n respect. Then summer of 87 he start change his behavior like in control which I could never imagine. We had gone to trip together horse riding everything was good. My son seem enjoy n happy. Then out nowhere my son ends with some scratches on his face I start asking questions but no answers. Cause of that someone report child abuse. We got investigate n child protective services want a explanation from me . Since I legal parents but I didn't know nothing. I requested to ask husband but refused so they said he has nothing to explain. I was upset cause we a married couple. I was close for my son to taking away but I fight for it. I could accept the fact that husband was not intorragated for child abuse. As we return home my husband behavior was different every time he would leave to field n return. Just by October 86 he decide to fiinish his military training n suggested to follow-up with going back home. I was not convinced of it I had doubts but he keep pushing to convience I had a bad feeling I could not feel good reason to go with him. I was like maybe 5 months pregants I call my family but they never put interested to be there for me. Friends turn their bck on me. I was alone felt no way out. So I accept to go with him. He call his mother to notified her that he got it married n new wife had a child she did not took so well that's when my marriage got complicated n negative issues start coming in. She had warn him that that I come with him n child we weren't welcome to the family. He refuse to litsen proceed anyway. He left by himself so he could arrange meeting with family meeting he had promise that no matter what he love me there nothing would get our marriage. I actually believe him. After 2 week waiting to send for us. We finally took a plane home to Boston Massachusetts he pick ups at airport. 12/12/86 . I felt strange with my heart rising fast my mind was full of not secured n scared. My son seem calm n smiling. I taken to his mothers house in Hatfield Mass. Out the country. I was not received not good I let go cause I was with his band n son . I met his step father George Lafanier a in his 60s he was most adorable caring loving repecful ederly man he was charming n welcome me with big hug. He ask me if I was really in love with step son n I answer yes he smile n said I hope so cause his mother was not happy with his marriage n step child n said well I love him n he loves me too. I hope my child cause she evil if she don't something. I try settle in n adjust to idea I was gone from family n friend thosand miles. He advised to pray while I was that house. I said ok I will. Then his mother walk in n said go with your man n child but don't expect from me. On 12/23/86 she got early she was bossy n demanding to everyone in her house she had strict rules to follow. I got up shower n got ready I would do my chores as she indicated she precisted to have done good by time she got back home from work .Her left with her n as well everyone else I stay home with son n George for about 4 hours the other daughter in law came in pregant too n her oldest who was 3 yrs. She came in went her room . I had long day my son would play in his crib most of time he was not walking yet. Then husband came home I started dinner I was cooking but the kitchen was small 2 pregant women did not enough to be in it . She start complain to get out I did argue n I said fine I told husband you dinner will be cook until you sister in law is done. He said ok fine im tired but I want sex n I said no thank you. I'm busy being mother n your mother's slave. I do everything in this house but that bitch doesn't he look at me said oh I would call like that cause she will kick your ass. I laugh really I dare her to put a finger at me. Pregant or not I won't no bitch touch me. George was hearing what I was saying n tell my husband. Once again he warn me. I said if you going on her side then I won't cook wash your clothes iron do nothing for you cause I won't take your bs . He stood n said really u mean that I said yes I do. I'm your wife not your puppet. So he slap in my face I push him away n said oh now going beat me. My son start to cry I hold him I said coming with you. He just walk away mad after waiting like 3 hours the house was clean Yvette had left with her child. My son was inside his crib sleeping my husband was watching TV in the living with George so I went upstairs to clean our room. As I was busy upstairs I heard my son came downstairs n he was alone in the living room on the floor. I pick him up he seem quiet at first so I told is bath time as I taking his clothes off which I didn't notice he had been change sundenly he started screaming on his left hand I was read swallonen red he was crying n I what is wrong so I was approached to the kitchen husband came out bathroom I ask what is wrong with my son ? Why is his hand red n swallowen n he just I don't know so why was left alone in the living room by himself n he just oh I got him to watch TV with me but had to go the bathroom n just putting on the floor but did not think I would take long ! How long ? He says like 30 mins n I scream WTF you left him 30 minutes are stupid or isane what is wrong with you ? I try to calm him down I could figure how to stop crying that when George approach I was sitting on the stairs with no idea what wrong with my child George check on him he like oh Goodness children what have done to this child he has a 3 degree burn on his hand i said what how I had left him inside his crib sleeping . Skip took him out n left alone in the living by himself for 30 minutes. Well should of not gone upstairs trust your man with your child I didn't he took him out. Yeah I did I am his step but you neglected him that's is child abuse. You skip may be retrict to near him but by law Rose your wife be blame. She is the mother of this child. Take him to the hospital now don't put anything on this child hand but there is storm of snow outside I can't drive yes you can this a child treading life. Go before it gets worse I call 911 but never showed up so I argue to taking the hospital we got in the car I sit on the bck with child crying could calm him down I could feel he was in pain. My husband driving we get the hospital n there were a lot people I walk to the emergency n told please my child had accident please help he is alot pain they ask for insurance I ask my husband I don't have with I forgot it so I said look I rush to be n forgot the nurse looks at me weird n says we'll take sit fill up this with child information n bring bck I did within 5 mins n looks at me said you got wait your turn n said just bill me I want child to seen. She look said look don't push your smart face here u got wait your turn n I said no I have child 14 months is emergency n you expect me to wait I don't think so I demand my child to be seen she call security n escort me to chair or be arrested. My husband didn't child so I told him you are the blame I warn you anything happens to my child I swear to God I will divorce you never seen your daughter he got from arm told don't dare tread me cause I will kill you first before even take my child. After 4 hours finally was call in the emergency doctor came in said what is wrong with your child well let tell your hospital has worse services 2 the nurses are bitches n 3 I wait 4 hours to be seen he sees my son's hands says oh my Goodness lady this child is burn why did you get him in soon cause I got rejected by front staff nurses. I blame my husband step of my child who did this as you see I'm pregant n I can't kick his ass. He went the front with me n said who the nurse n I said you see that bitch with blond hair that's the one who escort to chair with security or be arrested. Well I didn't want be arrested with child ok. He went to the nurse n said you get out this patient mother is pressing charges against you for not let her in with her child. I was taken to the back n my child was being check. Husband didn't bother coming with me. The doctor said mam your son is serious injured by law I got report this then yes husband did it not me. Then I come here I wait 4 hours please I would my child he is light of life he is my everything. I don't care if husband goes to jail I pressing charges I want full report to police n child protective services but please don't blame. He saw me holding the Bible n said I telling you the truth nothing but truth. The doctor said ok let see what I can do but no promises ok I believe you but it's your word against your husband. After a 3 hours child protective services walk in n inform me that that my child is been remove from my custody that I only aloud to be with him not decide nothing for him I scream panic n said but why ? I have no reason to be blame I have protect myself cause I know my rights. Your husband he don't know nothing you the only who takes care of child not him. I was upset hear broken cause my son was taken away from me I fight hard to get him bck for 3 yrs in half but my fight was not satisfied enough mother in law did her evil for me not get him bck social worker try to manipulate me by offer sex to get my son bck I said no Foster mother was bitch she would make false report against me mother in law n family n husband put everything in negative to loose full custody. I lost my whole life I had my daughter in April 88 that's when I put my heart into hate I swear to get ex husband. George try to help me but the family didn't aloud him too. I was alone. Lawyer told that my family sign documents that refused to take my son I never saw documents sign to indetity sigtures . Ex had join the US Army again n send to station in Ft. Lewis Washington base that when my revenge start it I wouldnt no cook clean laudrory nothing for husband I dedicated to my daughter. He try hard to make up to me but I told him what makes think that this marriage will stay together nope I want divorce my love for you is dead you kill it I hate n your entire family . You plan to hurt my child you like I got blame for it you put me as worse mother to my son I lost custody n case of you lies non support. You cause deep inside me. I see you a selfish sunbitch ass hoe I don't no more I feel nothing and your daughter is mine child no yours cause I will trust tyou with her . He lost temper n beat me I fight it bck but as I try it neighbors heard n step in military police took report n pictures n took him to military jail. A few days later send to field 100 days I was in peace I stay home dedicate full time to my daughter. His mother call want to come to visit n oh yes sure u welcome to come but to warn is under my rules. She stay quiet said nothing n then ok. She came summer 1990 spend 2 weeks in my house she try to make it to me but I treat the way she treat me n I told I'm not the stupid ignorant stupid daughter in you met once things change since your son n your entire family destroy my life n my son. I don't your apology cause I won't accept it I didn't married your son for money or cause he seem everything I believe he was but in reality he wasn't . I was stupid n deep blind you in fact warn me several that I would regret I met him n you know yes I do regret it now I hate him . His own daughter don't let get near her at all. She young but she understands my pain n hers not having her brother n you n him took away. I see you mad n I don't blame you but I am sorry what we done no it's late my son is gone I have no way get him bck no more. As you see granddaughter is no longer close to you like she was explain to her why you took her brother you son child abuse him n he should be in prison not US military serving our country . I see you carry lots hate tours us n forgiveness will not happen . Well I accept you complains not going to go against you you have that right. I judge you badly. My son is no Angel but is to him to confess the truth not mine. And maybe you can get your son back . He step to confess the truth cause he has told to many time no. He did this now is my turn to have pay back . His out in field for 100days n I'm home with my daughter not him n won't him get near her . When he returns if he is agreesive he will not be aloud to be with his family. His mother visit n left my husband return with strong attitude n I didn't recognize. I had warn him if return take conseling to help manage you mean attitude. But intstead he got agreesive n he rape me with 3 child n then try to make miscaaaiage cause I was having a boy not girl. I report him got a restraining order against him until I had my son April 91 then I took him to court n suggested that I could aloud to come near my children cause child abuser military support me but he got in trouble with his unit n got kick out like suspension for 2 months return continue with his bad behavior n the US Army witness that he was willing to change so they dishonorable him in 1992 with no pay no veterans benefits he lost everything. I decide to bck home to Texas n pay own trip n he pay his I still had plans for divorce I requested military evidence so my divorce proceedings faster it took 2 yrs n 3 months July 94 I didn't requested nothing from him. Becoming a single mother want going to be easy . My family got on his side but I just confront them n battle with them. In June 95 I move to California L.A. till 9/2003 I live happy life I had no contact with ex his child support was enough for 2 children but I manage to survive until each reach 18 yrs daughter 2006 n my youngest 2009 they had required alot but I put my best to both of them. I raised good children. They took over their life as adults. My daughter in 11 yrs she been to her ups n downs good n bad but I seen her manage life very well. Her realionship with her father is not good he decide to see her again after 23 in Nov 2017 yrs n she didn't like it all. My son in 8 yrs he has became good leader brother uncle n son sometimes he has ups n down but he learn to manage it. Both grown adults 29 yr daughter n 26 yr old son. I been empty for 27 yrs without my son I want suited my ex cause he don't regret a bit he never apologize to his children he abused his older brother n cause of him he was taken away. My family is the same. I have to search for my son but I have financially enough to pay detective to find him but I believe that should have those the hurt pay for it . A good 600.000 k will do . How can proceed this family sued ?
What do you do when your 14 year old son is insisting on living with his abusive father? I understand a boy's desire to bond with his father, so if he was safe and good for him, i wouldn't fight it. Unfortunately, his father is neither safe nor a good father.
I am not sure what I should do with my situation, me and my ex had dated for about a few months and the relationship wasn't all that good, well I ended up becoming pregnant my senior year, my ex was never there for me or for our son from the start of my pregnancy, when I told him that I was hurting, he would just say that I'm fine to quit being a baby, when I would throw up 1 to 3 times a day my first trimester he would either just sit there and watch me puke or just stay on his phone and not comfort me, he expected me to do everything and expected me to be patient for him, he wanted me to wait with him to go to the gym, so we ended up breaking up because I didn't want to wait in the rain and he started yelling at me for not being patient when I had stuff to do that day. So now after us breaking up he has been calling me awful names, saying I slept with 5 other men, and a whole bunch more. He would tell me that he is going to take our son from my home or my families home and to not put him on child support, (he is currently on child support and hasn't paid anything but can afford to get himself things), he has done awful things to me and others as well. He is trying to get custody of our son or even try to get visitation. I am not sure what to do, because my son has never met his father and doesn't like to be around certain guys and my ex wants to see him, yet my ex has done some nasty and horrible stuff. He has done a certain something in classrooms, he has used his nieces shirt for "something", he has almost undressed in front of all 3 of his nieces, I mean undress all the way. He has called different girls names, flirt with other girls, etc. I just don't want my son learning terrible habits from his father. I mean I think he is doing just fine without a father, I taught him how to brush his teeth, how to blow kisses and so much more, if my son's father comes into the picture again then my son will possibly be scarred more than what he is now as well as learn nasty things from his father. There is more to this while situation I am in but I just wanted opinions please.
He and I were in therapy and he stopped showing up. The therapist looked at me and said you can do this. I believed him and started taking action. The focus turned to my daughter and myself, our well being and my sanity. When it feels scary to jump that's exactly when you jump. I could not stay any longer.
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Im currently in a difficult situation. My ex verbally abuses me, through insulsts, devaluing anything i say and disregarding my instructions in relation to dealing with our 12wk old son. We split during pregnancy for these reasons. I have kept amicable when baby arrived, updating on appts, allowing him into my home to see his son, letting him dictate what he wants to contribute financially (bare min), keeping a relationship between our son and ex's parents (who he does not get along with) and allowing him to take our son out. Although i stopped this, last week due to him ignoring what ive said and feeding him formula incorrectly (too much in a small bottle). On challenging him he wouldnt acknowledge his wrong making me out to be worthless. Ive indicated he wont be seeing his son until his attitude towards me changes and he takes me through mediation, which he is refusing. Am i being reasonable?
Thank you so much for this article. I have been emotionally abused by my ex for years bc I wanted him to be a part of my son's life. Finaly had enough and drew a line and in a rage he took my son with him. My son now thinks I am the bad guy and says he wants to live with hid dad. Have not been able to see My 11 yr old in a week (and we have never been seperated for more than a weekend). My ex has alienated me from my boy. Been researching all week and just came across your article. You've shown me I'm not alone and that i did the right thing by ending it. Just wish i had done this much sooner. Fearful my son is going to pay the price. Feel helpless. But your words have been helpful. Praying for strength and protetion for my boy.
I found and read your article at a time when I really needed to hear your exact words. I am a survivor of an abusive marriage in which this marriage produced three wonderful children. After 10 years of abuse in several forms, I finally realized I could not raise my children in this environment, grew strength and left with our children. Only to find out after 7 years of battling constantly through court to protect my children from the life their father willingly gave, that I honestly had no power to protect them from him legally. That even though I proved the abuse, that the courts saw that because he was able to show up to every activity of the kids that the courts saw him as an active father and he deserved joint custody. I felt powerless, like I was failing my own children to protect them from the abuse that I promised myself I would. The verbal, emotional and psychological abuse from him towards me, which I believed would finally stop once I left only increased. The abuse does not stop because I left, and it never will but I can stop allowing him to control me, I actually can choose to not allow him in my head, I have the power to hang up the phone and to not engage in his argument. It was a wonderful feeling the first time I told him when he started yelling at me over the phone that I no longer had to listen to him because I was no longer his wife and hung up. Some days are harder to not fall in to the trap and give him the reaction he wants. Especially after being told every day how horrible of a mom I am, how his children hate me, how I do not support his children and how the best thing I could ever do for his children is to leave them on his porch and never return. Or the days were I see our children while they are with him and they walk right past me like they never saw me a day in their lives, and I cry unconditionally alone telling myself that his words are true, they do hate me, I am a bad mom and they want to live with him. Only to find out that the time before, my 5 year old child was punished for setting with me during their siblings game and as she wiped away my tears I cried for her she let me know she would wash dishes all of her life to just set with me. All I could do was hug her and tell her how special she truly is and how much I love her. Other days I am strong and never even read the messages or don't take to heart that my children ignored me. I know that their reaction is forced not intentional, its only a survival mechanism. I know they love me and deep down I know why they are doing this and it makes me hate him even more. I know that how I feel is only a small portion of how they must really feel, and I know that I can only love them and give them hopefully some tools to protect them from the abuse. Once again, thank you for posting this article, it was a great reminder especially during a hard week.
My son is my life, the whole purpose for me being alive. He’s 4 yrs old and I’ve been with his dad for 6 years. His dad is the worst kind of abuser, he doesn’t have control of it. It’s like I’m dealing with 2 people. After the military and some brain injuries he’s out of control of his anger and rage. I should have left after our first date but he swooped me back in. Pregnancy was hell. And now after having My stroke (at the age of 39) he kicked me out, while still mostly bed ridden. He verbally and emotionally abuses me daily. Since leaving he had only gotten worse and takes it out on anyone around him. My son sees it and it terrifies him. He never saw his dad beat me but he was standing next to me when his dad for no reason grew me up against the door with his hands around my neck. My son was screaming and crying. I don’t know what to do. I was a traveling consultant the past 2 and half years so he was primary care giver. I’m afraid the courts will see that as he should continue to have custody. My ex is retired and receives social security for being mentally ill. I don’t know what to do. He threatens that if I don’t share him 50/50 now that he’ll take him from me 100%. I’m not even recovered from my stroke 2 months ago and have no job.
My ex and i split up when my son was 2 because he had a drinking problem. We co-parented for quite a while and it had been the hardest battle ever. We had court orders in place to state that he couldn't drink when he had our son with him. He managed to follow it mostly except a couple of times. My son is 10 now and only goes there on day visits of a weekend. His father and i were friends still up until recently when he got a new girlfriend. I have a restraining order against her for threatening me with violence when i went to pick him up.
(i am not the voilent type) and they have been giving my son a hard time about my refusal to take him there or drop him off anymore. He has even called me names, pretended to punch me and said i am a coward for not fronting her. This is what she wants, I believe. I have no idea what to do. I can't escape this situation or move on with my life. I even tried to committ suicide over a year ago, just to end it and give myself peace of mind. This time I am not letting her get to me and I will be teaching my son that these are her issues not mine. I can deal with this. I can cope and i can show him what patience, love, respect and caring is about.
First of all im sorry you have or are still going through this,it has to be hard.
I was in abusive relationship for 17 years and having kids makes it even harder.
You have to be strong for your son dont let them win you deserve to live a happy peaceful life with your son.
I know especially if your doing this all on your own it may seem hopeless at times but youll get through it.
Prayer also helps it can work miracles and having faith in God knowing that he is always with you.