Co-Parenting With An Abuser
All of us survivors know that our ex will at least verbally and emotionally abuse our children. We survivors also know how hard that type of abuse is to prove, and even proving it doesn't mean your ex will have less time with our children. Proving non-sexual or non-physical abuse typically results in therapy if it results in anything at all. Therapy doesn't work unless the abuser wants to change. They don't want to change which is the reason you left them in the first place.
If you are in this position, then you have to fight back through education and love. That is easier said than done, but it is very important to "do it" more often than you don't.
- Educate your kids about bullies, sexual predators, and dating violence.
- Empathize with them when their other parent hurts them, remind them how great they are, and have faith that your children are smart cookies who will continue to talk to you about their problems.
- Introduce your children to therapy, keep your eyes open for signs and symptoms of abuse, and report any allegations or proof of sexual or physical violence as soon as you see it.
- Create a new safety plan with your children. Make sure they know what they can do if they feel afraid while at your ex's house. You may have to be very careful about this because focusing on "what to do if you're at mom's house and she starts hitting you" could have negative effects. Instead, create a safety plan for your home, the babysitter's, grandma's, their friend's and your ex's. Make it a general "what to do if I am scared" plan without singling anyone out, then practice it with them.
Yes, it feels horrible to know that your kids cannot escape the emotional manipulation and pain like you did through separation or divorce. It is very difficult to cope with your kids' visits to your ex when you truly believe it is but a matter of time before your children are injured on the outside too. It is a helpless feeling to watch them go off to your ex's home, knowing "something bad" is waiting for them there. However, you cannot allow yourself to remain attached to your abuser through the children. So long as you feel like a victim (out of powerlessness to help your kids like you want to) you will remain a victim.
Remind yourself that now you are free of your ex's daily abuse, much stronger and smarter, and therefore in a better position to support your children in helpful ways. When you lived with abuse, you did not have the freedom to combat it that you do today. Remember to be grateful that you set an example for your children and try to stop beating yourself up every time they visit their other parent. Your kids visit your abuser because the court says they have to do so, not because you want it that way.
Forgive yourself for being unable to protect them 100% from their abusive parent. You can't protect them all of the time anyway. Children must learn hard lessons about all kinds of things on their own. They will be grateful that you were there for them, their safe place, if the other parent abuses them. They'll see the difference in the two of you in time. Let that awareness be as natural for them as possible (meaning don't habitually point out the other parent's flaws even if they talk badly about you).
Protect Yourself
You are no good to your children if you allow yourself to be abused by your ex.
- If you stay on the phone while your ex admonishes you for your poor parenting skills so you can eventually talk to them about the kids, you're allowing the abuse to continue. Hang up the phone at the first insult and send an email instead. Write only about the children.
- Don't allow your ex to enter your house without knocking and respect their home in the same way.
- Keep your personal boundaries strong. Let your children see that your ex can't get to you (at least not for long). They need to see you as separate from your ex; they need to know they have two homes, two parents, two different families to love. (They do love their other parent, always will - let them, and be there without "I told you so" if your ex lets them down.)
Your way of parenting will not affect your ex's ideas about parenting. Don't let their way of parenting affect yours. The idea is to work with your ex when it is reasonable to do so, but remember that you have separate homes and separate lives. You get to set the rules at your house.
- Don't let them talk you into spanking when you prefer time-outs, not even "for consistency between households".
- If your ex grounds your daughter from her cell phone (for good reasons) but you feel more comfortable if she has it on her at school, then take it from her as soon as she gets home.
- Drop any expectation that your ex will enforce a punishment you set for your child while the child visits them.
Realize that your children will play you against your ex sometimes. Your kids are smart; they know both of their parent's well. Our kids do not label us "bad" and "good" people. We're "mom" and "dad". If you think you're being played and that your child is doing something dangerous, email your ex to tell them about it.
- You may get no response or your ex could degrade you for your thoughts, but keep in mind that, most likely, your ex wants your children alive and well too (If they don't, you probably have proof of that and already took it to the authorities).
- If you receive a nasty reply, read it (I know you will), then archive it. I add my ex's emails to a folder labeled "Jerk" - it feels really good to hit the button sending it to that folder! I save them just in case I need proof of something in the future. I don't reread them, and I don't give them a second thought. I did what I needed to do when I informed him about our child.
Remember that you cannot see the future. Your gut instincts and intuition do not determine destiny. Your fears may never come true. Trust that if they do, you will have the presence of mind to do the right thing at the right time for the right reasons.
Do the best you can today. Take a deep breath, hug and kiss your kids, and talk to them. Parent the best way you know how, keep educating yourself so you can teach your kids how to live free of abuse, and keep your ex abuser's voice out of your decisions.
Keep your focus on your relationship with your child. How your ex fixes or screws up their relationship with your child is beyond your control.
You can do this. It isn't easy, but you can do it.
You can find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
APA Reference
Jo, K.
(2012, December 6). Co-Parenting With An Abuser, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, May 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/12/coparenting-with-an-abuser
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
My marriage was not bad we just grew apart after 14 yrs. and two kids 9 yr old girl and 12 yr old boy. During our marriage he never was verbal, emotional or physically abusive. I took care of the kids and got them to all of their activities. I made a point to know all the parent and teacher. I did this by myself while having a full time job.
My husband handled the finances from the beginning. He was a miser with the money. We had 1 credit card in case of emergencies. Our arguments which were not loud usually were about him needing to be more involved with the family (I was tired of being Supermom) and having more fun with our money instead of putting a large majority for retirement.
Six months before he asked for divorce via text which still pisses me off he went into a depression which I thought was PTSD he is a reservist and had deployed a few yrs ago; which is probably part of it but he was having affair. I found out two days after the text and he introduced to the kids a week later.
This brings me to why I’m writing because a switch flipped in my ex and hindsight 20/20 I would have done things a little different. The divorce process lasted 11 mos and a whole lot of money. I paid to find out what happen the last 6 mos of marriage. I had a court order put in place so that his GF could not be around the kids. My number one priority is always my kids health. I became public enemy number 1.
There were only two occasions were he cussed me out on the phone. The first was a month into the divorce and it was hit the hardest because it was new. The worst were the emails and text that were written so well that I would have my family and friends read them to tell me I was not what the ex said I was.
So here is my hindsight freeze accounts, have an order put in place from the beginning for child support, block his number unless it’s your only phone for contact with the kids. Then you just block his texting ability. There are also APPs that you can download all text to a word doc. In your divorce decree you need to make it mandatory that all communication is to go through Our Family Wizard email system. If/when you go back to court bc if you divorced a narcissist you will; the judge/lawyers have direct access to the emails which can not be altered once sent.
Also, all reimbursement ie medical can be done online and tracked, less contact with the ex. I also got my kids into counseling for their health but also for third party documentation. I have filed CPS report bc my son came home with bruising. I had just paid off my divorce credit card but I handed back to my lawyer. I put a protective order in place and emailed it to every activity my kids are at without me. I also gave my kids cellphones.
While we waited for our court date he was allowed supervised visitation with the kids. His sister was the supervisor, we are friends and she has a Masters in social work. I figured if he did something the courts would give her statement more weight and I wanted his family to witness what I had been going through. He ended up berating his sister and her husband when they would not allow him to have the kids by himself.
At court CPS did nothing but I did have it ordered that no physical punishment could be done to the kids, he has to attend counseling with the kids, I did receive $8k in back child support, I had Our Family Wizard put in place and the biggest my EX is learning that I don’t play when it comes to MY kids. I have boundaries he is not allowed in my house, I will not talk to him on the phone, if he abuses cell phone privileges with my kids I will block him and his only contact will be on the house phone (it’s the only reason I have one).
Since, I have done all of this he is taking his verbal and mental abuse out on his new wife. He married the GF 4 wks after our divorce and she just told my former sister in law that feels she was duped into the marriage. His sister is asking me to have his visitation limited to supervised because of what they are witnessing. Easier said than done but this is why I schedule the kids counseling the day after they get back from their dad’s so everything is fresh.
I am much better than I was a year ago, altercations with the EX don’t put me into quite the tail spin, I do take an antidepressant everyday and anxiety as needed (30day supply will last me mos now), I can’t control their father’s actions. So I make a real effort to supply my kids with positive male role models that know what is going on (Boys Scout, church activities, my family, fathers on the sports teams) and I know that I am their number one role model.
I workout, I talk about my job, I take pride in my appearance and when the time is right have a health dating life. Studies show you should wait 2 yrs from the time the divorce was finalized which I laughed at, at the time but I look at myself a yr ago and I was a controlled mess. And this yr has been about setting boundaries with their EX. The one thing I take pride in is that MY kids know that Mommy kicks ass when it comes to them.
There is also no such thing as coparenting with a narcissist just “parallel parenting”. Also, your custody agreement needs to be VERY detailed. You need to have a disciplinary agreement. Also, have it stated in the decree that every yr he has to show W2/financial info this will help keep your child support current. I also took control of the healthcare with him reimbursing me. You will need to give schools/day cares copies of your decree so that they can enforce pick-up times. It is tiresome but you have to think two steps ahead.
I’m getting better not to say I don’t have PTSD and I’m learning what triggers my panic attacks; which surprise me from time to time. Let me end with I did love the man I married but I pray for the man I divorced because I do not know him.
.yes to many abusers in the world .control is all they want. they have nothing better to do its a show down. they destroy everything in there way .weak minded people do weak things. its only the good that suffer like they say. its hard and can last a life time . with the things they get away with . all I can say is .keep loving your babies. and keep believing hope is near .to hope is to love. loving mother still going. nine years later .
No, you shouldnt have to let your kid go to an abusive parent. This is enabling abuse. Stop it.
Emotional abuse of my ex, ontop of my childhood abuse, has left me suffering from acute PTSD. Because, I cannot work, I'm on disability; plcing my abusive ex with an economic advantage, which is used to hurt me (hurting my son too), my ex manipulates my life and has kept me from getting SSDI benefits for my for over two years. Done deliberately, to make it difficult for me to have the ability to parent, and provide a fully functioning home, when he is with me, due to lack of funds.
The toxicity of my ex, hs caused so much more damge, a result of overwhelming finncial stress. She accuses me of using my son to get money, monty for his needs, so now I really need no contact. But due to my financial situation and detiriated mental health, I need to move far away, where its peaceful nd less expensive to live then Los Angeles, on 1100 a month (for 2 people) to emerse mysel in one thing, healing.
Unfortunately, this means leaving my child behind. I've tried for over three years to coparent in the same city and it's been impossible-- shes overbearing, even when I try to limit my contact to my sons needs. She blames everything, on me, that is bad according to her. She sends me rude texts/emails, calls me names (like, dumbass, loser, etc.), says very hurtful things (using private info shared when we were together), and criticizes me constantly-- the emotional abuse does not stop.
As a result, I will have to have a long distance relationship with my son for least six months to year; in fact, I will be living out of the country (close by, 2 hour flight) and he will be set up to visit me. My fear is that I ex won't follow through on scheduled visitation, while I'm away. Not one of scheduled visits were honored and my son really suffered.
She withheld him from me often, the first time, I went home for support, so I finally, after becoming finacilly ruined, convinced her to put a schedule, in writing, thats now legally endorsed. As she has done before, I cannot trust that when I had to go away, this time, my son can avoid the pain she causes him, by keeping him away from me. Shes a sadist, and doesn't care if she hurts my son too, he is collateral damage.
She enjoys seeing me unable to thrive, and prove that I'm the person she describes in her character assassination campaign, which insanely they find believable. How could everything be my fault, she even contradicts her stories, yet they continue to have this false impression of me. Its. Its a Living hell, and I feel so guilty about my sons suffering!
Unfortunately, most of the system is bias, against men. Letting the abused bastards, get treated like an abusive bastard.
I don't know my daughter, for fights that I walked away from, after being assaulted. I have emails, where the ex admitted to treating me like shit and assaulting me and lying about it. The trash has turned, every time that I have asked her to talk, into a fight, where she has assaulted me multiple times. She has gotten several restraining orders against me, for fights that I chose not return what her assaults deserved. I've come to regret, not striking back.
You can't co-parent with a selfish manipulated individual, that has spent an entire marriage sacrificing you, for their greed, instead of sacrificing of themselves, for the betterment of both.
Regardless of the legal definition, when someone wrongfully takes your child from you, that's kidnapping. The system would of had my head, if I would have hired a stranger that would have done similar acts as my ex to raise my child. Their is no benefit in letting lazy, lying, abusive trash, raise your child. Childs support, is doing what is best for the child, not compensating trash to bring up your child with their own lack of values.
People should fear the consequences of assaulting anyone. Nobody should fear, responding in self defense. Too many so called women, like my ex, have no problems with swinging or throwing objects at a man; and threatening to call the cops, before that guy has a chance to respond in anyway. Men, need to same rights to respond in defense, as any women has against her attacker.
I had a 3rd degree acid burn on my arm, as a result of a work accident. The pain from that was extreme, or at least I thought it was. The physical pain form the burn, was focused to one area and didn't have any malicious intent behind it. The emotional pain from not knowing my own daughter, affects me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I would prefer to deal with a fresh acid burn everyday.
I've read the comments, and can relate to many on here. So here's my two pence worth, because at the moment I don't know when this hell will stop. My husband was physically, verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. It was tiring and controlling. I left him the last time he assaulted me when he was under bail conditions. However, this did not stop the emotional or verbal abuse once he was scot free of the court system. He has continued that many times, that I have rung the police multiple times. Ringing the police that many times has only resulted since in a 'You're a naughty boy' type talk for him. However, for me, social services got involved. I had to take him to court to try protect myself. Yet, he has managed to send a response full of lies and accusations in, and sit there lying in court. The fate of whether I now need to hand my darling children back to my abuser lays in the hands of one social worker who has not to date met my abuser once, and only seen me a handful of times. I've been told to expect to be back in court in three months to decide who they live with.... You have to wonder who comes off better off in abuse, and all this because I stood up for myself and reported.
This is a great article. I wish I found it years ago. I won't go deep into the details of my story. I don't want to share them in public until my children are adults. But, for everyone that says there is bias against men in the courts... that is not always the case. After years of post-divorce crap (lies, emergency custody hearings, false reports to CPS), we finally got sent to a high-conflict parenting class. I was so mad. So mad that the court was forcing me to sit in the same room with my abuser. All because the courts fed into the narcissist's / sociopath's game. And because I am quiet and private and not hysterical, I guess. I still don't really know why people didn't do their jobs.
In that class, I had to write letters of appreciation to him and read them to him. I had to put a picture of him in my home. I had to "work out" a problem with him in front of the class. The classmates who were there arguing over "small" things (in my eyes of course, not trying to minimize) like "what shoes their child wears" weren't prepared for issue I presented to "work out" which was the last incident of physical abuse and neglect of my children that got us to that class. My classmates were shocked. Just as much as I. Why is this even being discussed was the sentiment. I hated every minute of it. It was so painful to go thru. I just didn't understand. This man tried to murder me and you're forcing me to face him and search deep to find some way to show "appreciation" for him. You want me to "problem solve" how I can "feel more assured" that my children are safe. I'm terrified to even be in the same room as him. This can't be my life right now. But, I got through it. And what I ended up with was this.
During that 9 weeks.. the facilitators of that class were listening. Someone was finally LISTENING and getting in deep into the details of the relationship and what was really going on. We continued mediation with those same facilitators after the class and it was like a miracle. He couldn't hide behind his game face anymore. It was all out in the open. His true colors presented themselves. Not through stories but by his own behaviors because they didn't just dig deep into me they dug deep into him. And they set his triggers off and they SAW it. They were trained psychologists and long-time judges. They blew his cover and called him on it. It was no longer my words against him. Or my "fueling of the fire" as one judge accused me of. I didn't end up with the exact arrangement I wanted but let me tell you the dynamic changed 100%. And we are actually able to co-parent now.
So long story.. but.. if you are at a loss and not feeling that you have a voice with CPS and the court system.. consider requesting a high-conflict parenting class. It will feel 100% wrong, unfair, contradictory, a waste of time, another round of bull, re-victimization... but it could be your chance to really have the truth be heard and validated. That can go so far not just in proving your case.. but for me.. just knowing that someone finally was taking the situation seriously.. helped calm me and refocus my energy in the way this article describes. There was a finally a "safety net" I could trust in and it was court-approved.
I feel for everyone who is going thru this. It is absolutely devastating. You think that you finally leave, alive, and that everyone will support you in keeping your children safe because it's so obvious, a no-brainer. Never thinking your children will be put at further risk. Wondering if you made a big mistake because at least if you stayed you could protect them still. "why doesn't she just leave" they say. Yeah... can't wait until the day I can write my book on that topic. But, this article is right. Try, try, try to rise above it all, stay calm, keep an open, loving heart. Keep healthy. Don't get sucked in. Don't let the abuser into your head. Don't shut down. Don't lash out. Transform your anger and pain into awareness as much as you can. Distance yourself from the past as much as you can. And always remember, that you DID make the right decision in leaving because your children need you. They need a healthy, alive you. And years later, if you keep yourself healthy and loving through all of this... you WILL be ending that cycle of abuse... and protecting your sons and daughters over the long-term.
Best wishes to you all...
Hello, recently my step son has come to his father and I and told us he his being touched buy his brother and dose not like it. We were told buy cps they would look into it but when new information came to light that this was not the first time my step son has told someone about being touched buy his brother his mother stated she never knew. It was her ex that told us that last year he told them both his brother was touching him and the ex is the one that took action, making sure they were never a lone together no longer were allowed to share a room or be bathed together. My step son and his half brother are only a little under 2 years apart. There have been many other concerned in moms home. My boyfriend and I have had primary care up until October when she got almost half ever since then our little boy has not been the same. We have gone to court only to be told she's what's best for him. He comes home with stitches bruises split lips all kinds of things. Each night he tells his father that mom yells and hits him but there's nothing we have not tried to help him and save him from her toxic home. There are many days when she picks him up that you can clearly see she as well as her girlfriend are high we have also see pipes and bongs laying around her home when going to drop off the boy. But yet the courts do nothing to save him. Do we have any options other then cps or court because we have tried both to no avail.
You said you've tried court, but did you try it using a good attorney? It would be helpful if you took a lot of pictures and took the boy to the hospital every time he showed up bruised or hurt. Document the injuries with doctors you take him to so you have easy access to the records.
Also, call CPS every time he comes home with wounds. Take pictures.
Take pictures of mom when she's high and trying to pick him up. Tell her to wait a few, he isn't ready yet, and call the police. Tell them you suspect she is high and shouldn't take the boy in that condition. I don't know if that will work, but it is worth a try.
Mom isn't scared of you guys. She's doing exactly what she wants when she wants with no one to hold her accountable. I wish I had an easy answer for you. Maybe someone out there can comment and add more helpful information.
I often search the topic how to deal with an abusive ex husband. Since our divorce over 14 years ago he has systematically broken us down. Looking back I dont agree that you can just let your children be exposed to any abuse. Its not ok. Why should they have to learn to deal with it on any level. My son now has mental disorders from the abuse and cannot function on his own. No one has managed to help as he presents to the outside world as charming and a caring dad. If I could have that time back I would have fought so so hard to make sure that every single assessment recognised the verbal, emotional and physical abuse. He blamed his behaviour on our acrimony because of the divorce but now that the youngest is 18 her opinions are finally being heard. What is the worst that can happen if you refuse contact? He can have you arrested but you get to show how real the abuse is that you would go to that extent to protect your children. Nothing is more important than minimising the fallout from that abuse when they are adults. It hurts us all to see my son suffering now because of that exact advice that you talk about. Its not ok
Hi all, my partner had to take his ex to court over access and now has her every weekend, and a week of Easter half term. However his ex resents him seeing his daughter even though she knows what it's like to grow up without a father. The daughters behaviour can be fine for months when arriving home to his but on some occasions she doesn't want to be with him and says mummy told me not to tell you " Easter songs, Christmas play etc" in nursery. This has gone on for months on and off and mainly occurs when he has her for a longer length of time other than Friday to Sunday ie: a week. We having growing concerns about the daughters state of mind now as we think the mother is poisoning her against him and his parents (grand parents). She refuses to speak, get out of the car, refusing to eat and drink and throwing herself on the floor and refusing to get up or move. What's your opinions on this situation? Videos have been taken of how she behaves and what she's says or doesn't say.
Discipline the girl if she misbehaves and don't try to prove you're "a good parent" by spoiling her. When she says something about your partner that's inappropriate or a lie, correct her. The best thing you and your partner can do is parent her as if her mother weren't a jerk.
In my opinion (and I'm not an attorney, parenting expert, etc.), videotaping her tantrums encourages her. You think it's negative attention, but it's not working to discipline her. Keep the videos you have, but don't bother taking more unless advised to do so by your attorney.
Go to family therapy - you, your partner and his daughter. Or maybe just him and his daughter, and the therapist can bring you in as necessary. Ask the therapist what would be best.
Your partner should maintain his own relationship with the school so he knows when special events occur. Talk to the principal and the teachers. Ask if school announcements could be mailed to you (provide self-addressed stamped envelopes if you must). Go to lunch to eat with her once a month. Get involved - separately - from the girl's mother whenever possible.
Behind the scenes, look into parental alienation and speak to your attorney. I don't know what the advice will be.
Worried Mom,
This is a wonderful article, but still so difficult to separate yourself without feeling that guilt. I know my ex is verbally, emotionally abusing the kids. They have openly told me this much. I am concerned there may have even been some physical abuse, but he has told them not to tell me. So by the time I do find out, there are no marks to document. I don't know what I should do. I have an idea, but not quite sure what's the best route to take. I don't want to aggravate him then make it worse for my kids.. I am going to get them into therapy, as I will soon be able to have them more time then he does. Thank God for that!! I feel awful and confused, he lies a bunch, obviously, he is also very good at hiding and making others think he is a "Good Guy" . Luckily my kids do still tell me stuff and I have been trying to talk to them about how to be safe too.. Thanks for the read. If there is any advice, or site you can offer for further help, it will be Greatly appreciated. Thank You so much
I am so glad I found this site. I'm headed back to court for the THIRD time in 8 years. My ex abused lies and lies and lies to the courts. 5 years ago he filed for custody because I had breast cancer. He lost after I spent thousands, and we won a contempt on child support for $18000. Now we're going back. He's accusing ME of parent alienation,SERIOUSLY. OH,and I am fighting Bone Mets, my cancer bus back. He manipulates my daughters. Verbally abused them,threatens to call cops,refuses to brake them doctors, we won't hear or see him for months,then makes them miss games or events. My oldest daughter was being recruited for volleyball, she's had to quit her select team because now I'm paying thousands to my lawyer again. He knows I'm sick, he knows I have chemo weekly, but doesn't care. He put in his papers he filed, "upon the death of", then sent these papers to my 16 year old. She called me frantic, "Daddy wants you to die". I'm so tired of the abuse. I'm hoping I can get supervised visitation. He's put me in contempt with bogus dates that I haven't made my 16 year old and 13 year old "accessible". Complete bs why is it parents can just lie to the courts and we,the good parents, have to defend ourselves like we're felons? I've always encouraged our daughters to love him and see him even though he's never shown up for events,not sent Christmas gifts,birthday gifts or cards, never called them in 4 years or emailed or texted them. My oldest daughter wants to emancipate herself from him and change her name. He's costing her athletic scholarships. My youngest daughter has wanted to see him when her big sister couldn't, and he DENIES HER access to him. I'm at my wits end. I truly think he wants me dead. His wife deffamates my character on social media, calling me a child abuser. The other night a woman called my work saying my kids would be in danger of I didn't get home immediately because he's trying to serve me with papers. I can't file charges because I can't prove it was his wife. I don't now what else to do. My daughters old counselor told me once if HE lived here she'd report them to cps because they abused my daughters. My daughters haven't seen her in a couple years because I couldn't afford the copay....no child support. Maybe I should contact her? God I need help.
I'm a little confused, but I think the woman you're considering contacting is a therapist. If that's correct, it's a good idea to contact her. If you cannot afford the copay, just contact her and ask where you can get help for you and your children. I doubt that she will see you out of the goodness of her heart (she has to eat, too), but she will hopefully point you in the right direction.
And when you wrote, "God, I need help," I see that you must ask for help. Ask God to help. Ask people to help. You need a support network outside of therapy. Try domestic violence group meetings. You'll find understanding people there, and your experience can foretell the future to other victims of abuse. You can save some while the others save you.
I am going through the same thing.I have three children with my ex.He has not seen them for almost thirteen years..yes thirteen years.He was married to someone else,had a new daughter and simply was not interested.I would email him with how kids are doing,their pictures..The last time I contacted him was when I sen a picture of our daughter and his response was quote" They are your kids, I have my own" with attachement of his new daughter picture.
About a year ago he wanted to get to know the children and stupid me said..ok.His wife you see divorced him and stated a new family..so he needed a purpose in life(his words).
Well, it did not go well.We have two sons( one will be 18 in few weeks, one will be 17 and our daughter will be 16 in three months).From the start he was interested only in our daughter..not the boys. His explanation..I don't know how to deal with sons.
His interest with our daughter became obsession..he would stalk her( she would go many times somewhere with her friends and he would simply show up)..still have no idea how he would know where she went.He bought her a phone,however if she did not hug him or tell him she loves him..he would have the phone turned of.He would offer her money to go to places with him..when she refused he would call her b..word,c.. word..call her ugly and that her half sister is way prettier..and so on.Our daughter once a very happy girl..A student became withdrawn..her grades went down.I have to mention also..he would constantly mention if he "goes down" if she will not talk to him..he will quit his job..so no child support..and he would say this to the children.
Our son..who will turn 18 soon has sent him a letter about how he feels about him,for him to get out of our lives..that he had enough of his abuse towards me..and his brother and sister.(Did I mention he would call me in front of the children and ugly..old hag..and how he hopes I just die. He has also hit the '18" year old..all reported at school.
This man now wants custody of his daughter. Claiming I have not allowed him to be her parent..she wants nothing to do with him because of me..he makes good money so can take better care of her..and so on.
As I am typing this I have received another text from him( number 38 from yesterday)..asking if our girl and this time her 17 year old brother can go to movies with him.Same thing as yesterday..when I asked them..response was no..somehow he does not want to hear it.He also stated he will pay me if I convince them..and he will pay them if they go.This is madness..We moved..my daughter's friends still live where we live.Well, one of her friends called her to tell her he was seen at the place. So now ,she refuses to leave the house..this is her summer time.
Could he be tracking her moverments on that phone he has given her ?
Switch the location of take to the phone shop or get ride of it.
Hello,
I haven't read many of the comments, but so far I've only read women writing on here. I am a man, I unfortunately was completely dealt a really bad hand in divorce because I was weak, had desperately pleaded for a peaceful divorce with my ex, and at the end of the day, I wanted out of the abubsive marriage so bad that I gave the farm away without fighting in court. All I cared about was having a great relationship with my 4 year old son and to be out of the marriage. I didn't care about the house, the cars, the 3100 a month in support I currently pay, I let her have it all. I thought after all of that, she would be nice to me and we would be able to co-parent. The abuse has continued and now she uses the only thing left to use against me, my son. She plays constant mind games with me and him like accusing me of not wanting to see him whenever I have plans and she's asking me to come pick him up because she knows it kills me when I cant see him. She tells him nasty things about me. I'm almost positive she acts like she calls me without actually dialing my number and then acts like I tell her that I don't want to talk to him. She sends random photos of my son playing with her boyfriend or at a park, etc. While I've made strides to limit personal communication (blocking her while I don't have our son, using a new email address, will only pick our son up when he's at school or not with her), its just very stressful and I don't think it will ever get better. My MAIN concern is if my son will come out of this ok and if he will still me my loving and sweet little boy who adores his Daddy. Lately I can't call to talk to him because it never ends well. It's not that I don't want to talk to him, but having to deal with her is just too much right now. We've only been divorced for 6 months, so maybe I'm just freaking out for nothing. If anyone here has any helpful advice or insight, it sure is welcome. Thanks
Ryan
My ex is also trying to pull the supposed defamation thing. Not in court or anything, yet, but he also accuses me of deliberately being contrary when HE needs a scheduling change because HE doesn't prioritize the kids so HE isn't available for his ordered visitation. He'll demand a day that he KNOWS is not going to work for me because we just had the SAME issue last week. When I tell him that day is still a no-go, its "any day I say is out for you, I see how it is". How it is, you paranoid psychopath, is THAT DAY DOESNT WORK FOR ME!! He VASTLY overestimates his importance in my life, if he thinks I have time to deliberately mess with him. So since that's not the case, I have to be doing SOMETHING wrong, so on to defamation. Whatever, dude, the kids say all kinds of things you do that aren't right. Abusive exes should be deported somnewhere unpleasant.
Make an island for all of them to live on, they can abuse each other...... :-)
Hi,
I am at my wit's end right now. I left my ex years ago but we share custody of our 13 year old daughter. He is a power and control type of person so he lies and manipulates a lot. My daughter was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder last year after him and his wife got ugly over a child support increase( I believe that him and his wife are psychologically abusive to each other as well as the kids in their home). After my daughter was diagnosed her father and stepmother sat her down to tell her that she has not anxiety disorder and she is just manipulating people and lying. He has yelled this at me in front of my home after bringing her home at one point. He keeps going to her therapist and insinuating she is a liar and manipulate. Her last visit with him he asked her how she was and when she said fine he said she was lying about school and took her phone. Her phone is actually her lifeline to me. She doesnt really communicate on the phone with anyone but me and her older sister because of her anxiety. This triggered an anxiety attack. I called their house at one point that night because I got a weird text from her phone. They put her on speakerphone and when I asked her if I needed to send someone to check on her I could hear her dad saying no you don't. I could hear my daughter breathing heavy and sniffling so I kept asking her if she was okay but she wouldn't answer. Apparently her stepmother was standing right next to her telling her to lie to me and say she was okay. I called the cops and for some reason they felt they should send cops to me first. The next morning I found out from her father that she wrote a suicide not. This was not him informing out of concern. He was using this note as weapon. I ended up calling the cops about the note because he claimed he was taking her to a hospital he wouldn't tell me where. To this day I am not sure if he would have taken her if I hadn't called the police. Oh yeah and he did call the police on her when he found the note but he didn't take her to a hospital for 10-12hours). I also don't think when he took her it was out of concern. He told the psychiatrist he brought her there for his own evaluation. Coincidentally I didn't realize that I have the sole right to consent psychiatric treatment until I got home that night. When I figured out where he took my daughter he had the hospital deny my rights to be there for my daughter's evaluation by having his court order stating I have that right and saying he didn't want me back there. When I tried to assert my rights he started yelling security. Eventually they did read the court order but it wasn't until after I haf sent my eldest daughter back to my place to find my copy of the court order that says exactly what he says. Its a sad world where I have to think oh my court order when I am worried about my daughter hurting herself. She ended up in a great hospital for a week that stood up for her and didn't force her to see her dad. The first time they told him she didn't want to see him he threw a huge fit and they ended up calling the cops. Unfortunately by the time they got there he had left and the hospital was just across the border from the state we live in. Since then, which was back in May, she has been refusing his visits. Everytime I tells him no he calls the cops. Some have been very nice but the one I dealt with yesterday started scare tactics and I pointed out to him that is how my daughter ended up in the situation she is in by her father using scare tactics. I keep seeing that somehow I am supposed to co parent with him but it's not possible. I either give things his way or he throws a bloody tantrum or better yet his wife does. I am tired and frustrated and really annoyed that I am expected to encourage my kid to accept the abusive behaviors because if a court order. She is a teenager what does that teach her about future relationships? My daughter was more confident and did really well in school until she was told she wasn't wanted at her dad's house by her half brother and stepmother. Before she was told her child support would cause them to give up the family pets. Before she was told the cost of her child support would leave her dad in such dire straights he probably wouldn't be able to afford gas to pick her up and he reinforced that by not seeing her for nearly a year. She has made progress but we have days still that she just cannot cope. Those days are exhausting but I keep reminding myself of the progress she has made. Her dad wants to claim I have turned her against him. I had moved her away for four years and he didn't complain. I moved back because stupid me forgot that abusers generally do not grow out of it and he has blown every chance to make a loving relationship with her and traumatized her so that she does not trust people.
I really don't know what I am trying to say. I want my daughter to feel like a princess again and not think she is the cause of someone else's problems. I don't understand how someone can treat their child this way.
Barbi
Wow, this sounds so much like my ex and his new wife with my daughter! :-(
I have been abused by my ex wife I called the police last week she got arrested for domestic violence one of our kids was involved in her anger outrage.. I showed the cops the text messages showing prove of the emotional and mental abuse they already have physical prove. They let her go the next morning and she took the kids out of school and moved in with her parents.. I didn't do anything wrong but I'm the one who is being treated like I committed the crimes.. absolutely ridiculous how this is going on!!
So sorry all of you are dealing with this b.s. After my own years of every type of abuse as a wife and involving the kids, I can give some advice that has helped us all. 1- read everything you can on verbal/emotional abuse.2- read and understand narcassist, sociopath, psychopath, borderline, anti social behavior types. Particularly with narcassists, there is a PATTERN. It's sick to realize that they are heartless, emotionless people devoid of any conscience and you only exist for THEIR EGO,........but it will help you understand and overcome the confusion, which to me was endless. Narcassists can be dealt w/ through employing specific strategies. Learn them and practice them!! Your children, friends, family, etc. WILL thank you b/c they're also living your hell many times. Patricia Evans books saved me. YouTube videos on Narcassism are extremely helpful. Don't give up!! Your kids are worth it and so is your sanity!
Hi, I am desperate, not once did i tell anyone how awful my ex was towards me, I eventually escaped and have now realized he is a covert narcissist. We have a 7 year old Daughter and she has disclosed some worrying things but Social Services have been totally drawn in to his callous lies and manipulation without checking if any of his comments about me were in any way true. This scathing report was presented to the family court resulting in him being granted 40/60 custody. I feel absolutely powerless and cannot protect my child. Please help with any advice please
Here is where I struggle: I know my husband is an abusive and mentally ill man. So how do I leave him and then leave my small children to fend for themselves? He has endless resources and much like a sociopath, can mamake himself seem like a very likeable and "fit" parent and human being, as needed. I am so afraid for my children to have to deal with what my stepchild had to deal with. Also, when I threaten to leave him, he says he's going to call CPS on me (with lies). I just see the road being so difficult for both me and my kids so I just keep sticking it out. But I also feel myself falling into depression, anger and despair. Has anyone ever been in this situation? I keep hoping his mental
Illness will lead to proof that he is unfit...probably a long shot.
I wish I had better news but this article seems trite. Courts ordered me to go be abused by myself with my father when my parents split. I fear they would do the same to my child. I bend over backwards to pacify my ex to remain in a limbo where his Aspergers abuse dictates our lives, just so I can keep his time with my child supervised because I don't trust the courts to do what's in my child's best interest. They'd be more concerned about the abuser's rights than the child's.
I was married for 19 years to an abuser. I finally left when my children were old enough to decide if they want to be around him. I'm so glad I stayed to protect them but glad I am out now. My children were 18, 16 & 14. They want very little to do with him and we are all in counseling. When I was married I made it all about the kids and I. I avoided my husband as much as possible. Yes it is a sad way to live but I was protecting my kids. When we divorced it was almost like nothing changed...it is still the kids and I. They don't miss him at all, and see him less and less.
THis is a similar story to mine. I had planned to stay until both my children left school but In the end my ex became physically abusive towards me whilst the kids were in the house and I lnew I had to leave straight away. They were 12 and 14. He hardly sees them now which tbh suits me fine. He is a selfishan man always was and like in your comment it was always just the three of us anyway - he did nothing for them., still doesnt. I do not agree that children should be made to see a father that has not been there for them and shows them little concern. It should be their decisiion. So many fathers who would LOVE to have a relationship with their children. But these people never cherish the things they should. My main worry about leaving him earlier was how easy it would have been for him to poison their tiny minds against me when they were younger (he even tried that on my parents!) or that whilst in his careI would not be there to protect them. It is like being caught between the devil & the deep blue sea. Glad to be finally rid.
I too was in this exact situation you have described. I left my abusive jealous husband with the support of a few friends.
Before we actually divorced, when we only talked about it, he said he would take my children, house and money away. He didn't work. He told me the courts would award him alimony because he earned nothing. Where I had the good hospital job. He said the kids would give him both our kids because he told me he would tell them I was bipolar and an unfit mother who was mental. He said maybe I could see my kids 3 years later. During one of our fights he told my son he didn't love him and accidentally hit my daughters head on the hallway wall as he told her he loved her more than I did. I knew I had to leave. This wasn't our first fight. He once even threw both me and my daughter down onto my bed and threw a closet hanger at me all while my kids cried for him stop.
I live in CA. This is a 50/50 state during divorce. 50 goes to him and the other to you. After years of this not changing I realized my actions needed to change. Obviously my technique of trying to fix the situation wasn't working.
Taking advice from friends I started calling the police. I documented his abuse to me and the times when he took my kids and left me crying alone at home. Not knowing where he had taken them. I also started emailing him about what happened hoping that he would admit to things. He did. I keep these email confessions from him just incase it happens again.
When I met my paralegal she told me that all he had done to me prior wouldn't help during the divorce. Nothing really matters until after I filed. So I filed. More abuse happened so I called the cops and documented those situations too. Six months after I filed I was awarded the house and the kids 50/50. I asked for no hold support and no alimony from either of us to the other. I didn't want the exchange of money to be more reason to upset either of us. He was thankful I asked for no child support. Though sometimes I wished I asked for it. He still tries to control me. He says he can't coparent unless he gets me too. We constantly argue, usually not in front of the children, unless he puts his hands up my skirt and down my shirt. Even after divorce I have to deal with this. I wish I had more help. 15 years too long. And I'm in my early 30s.
Emotionally scarred and feeling like I wasted so much time wondering what to do, I respond to your comment hoping that after reading mine you will take more action. People say people don't change. My ex did. He changed every other day. Back and forth. Told my son he didn't love him one day then the next he did. Told my children one day I was an unfit mother who didn't love them. The next I was a wonderful mother. In the end it was obvious he never really changed.
The only way courts would keep one parent away from the children I believe is if one poses danger to the children. What kind of evidence you would need in not entirely sure. But I recommend speaking to a professional and to not just wait and hope. What you collect may be all wrong or not good enough. After speaking t my paralegal and her lawyer husband I took their advice and just filed. They told me to document everything during the 6month CA divorce waiting period. I ended up not needing to provide it but I had it ready just incase. I may need it one day. He's better now.
He only says bad things to me.
One more thing. Unless he has been diagnosed with a mental illness what you feel about his current mental condition doesn't really help. Maybe situations of him being unfit and documented would help. But seek a professional to be sure. Don't wait.
This is terrible advice. Bail on the children to protect yourself? This goes against all nurturing tendencies of a parent. Better off to stay in the relationship--this is the only way to fully protect the child. Get a counselor and support team who can support you on your very difficult life journey. Document everything so that if worse comes to worse, you have evidence to present to the courts.
Staying in the relationship would only teach your children that it's ok to allow yourself to be treated that way. You are your child's role model, and if they see you being regularly abused, then they will go into relationships of the same type. There is no easy decision, but you can be the guidance to help teach them self-awareness. Staying in an abusive relationship if far more detrimental to a child's well-being in the long run. I left my ex when I was a few months pregnant, and I am so happy that I did. It's still a fight, but I stand my ground with what is right, and won't allow him to take our son if he is unable to control his emotions. Both choices are difficult, but with leaving an abusive partner you are teaching your child how to protect themselves.
I agree. I stayed with mine for 11 horrific years after I realized he was a sex addict and a narcissist. How can you protect your kids if you leave them alone with somebody like that? Run away and leave the innocent kids alone with a monster?
I to are experiencing this nightmare at present. 12 years and two small children to a complete psychopath. Sexual violence, alcoholic, drugs and financial abuse and emotiinal abuse....complete monster. I finally got away, but the justice system is so flawed. It allows the abuse to continue because they are more interested in helping the abuser who tells all sorts of lies as that's what they do, and in the mean time abusers the good parent even more. It just destorys the decent parent in the process. My ex admitted and my children gave evidence to his abuse, but didn't matter as now he is sitting in a ridiculously better finanial position than I am using and abusing me to get there, never being present in the children's lives before, has decide quote " now that my children are getting older, I think it's time I got involved as they won't wanna know me soon", and the system thinks that's ok? I've raised my children done everything for them as he constantly traveled with his career never home and now I have to share custody with this monster. I can't protect my children and it has destory me! So the way I look at it the system has made it worse for the children as now they have one patent who abusers and another parent destory emotional. And we wonder why society is getting worse...suicide rates and domestic violence at horrifying high rates. Doesn't take a clever mind to work that one out!
I completely agree with you Sarah. I am a mental health therapist and I work with these situations constantly. I am supposed to provide Trauma focused care to the children as they are being with their abuser every other week. They scream and cry. Mother has shown evidence to police, to no avail. To the Judge, to no avail. To Department of Children and Families, to no avail. It is truly heart breaking for the mom and myself.
It was the hardest day of my life, when I had to leave my family. The love and wishes I had to remain living with my children was overpowered by my ex's bullying to me. Had I have stayed, my health would have detiorated significantly. years of her telling me that I was mentally unwell took their toll. Now that I am free from the daily pain which was externalised towards me, I am stronger and healthier, and the role model that I wish my children to see, no the shattered, cowering heap that I was.
Sadly, having escaped from such a situation, it has been an uphill battle in the courts for the children to see me. Hopefully some year, in the future the lawmakers will be able to recognise that men get abused too.
Yeah but here I am figuring it when he's taken off with my kids three years ago. And steady using the system to abuse me. Having legal help and I do not. Using my bipolar daughter as a tool and not caring about the.digression hed put on her.teaching my son the art and I can't do shit. Not wanting to be the weak statistic Because my kids don't deserve to be stranded.and he doesnt deserve the satisfaction.
I left my ex-husband, my abuser of 10 years. I should be dead. My son has seen me beaten nearly to death numerous times all of his life. A couple of times my son was abused himself at the end when I was making a plan to leave. One of the last things that happened was my ex pulled a shotgun with me and my son, who was six at the time. I never pressed charges for 10 years, at first because I felt bad for him. And then later on after I had my son, because I was afraid he be taken by CPS. My ex made threat that if I left, he would get some kind of custody or all custody. I was dumb enough to believe it. Well kind of. But that will come in the second. He also threatened if I left that he would commit suicide, which he did attempt many times sometimes even in front of my son. The final time, he was taken away and I knew he would be gone for a few months. So I took that time to get everything ready and make a plan and separate him. Everything is going well for a while. Except then I started dating one of my best friends several years and I fell in love and I couldn’t believe that I actually hadn’t been in love before until then, and my son looked up to him like a father. My son and I were both diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety disorder. I guess I thought everything would stop as long is I just got out of there with my son. And I was happy and on my way to feeling really great, but with my PTSD came these really harsh symptoms which are still problematic for me. I was having flashbacks, but I didn’t really know what they were. Sometimes I wouldn’t remember entire periods, and then I would really hurt myself. I would come to, and I had black and both my eyes. My boyfriend at the time saw this a couple times, and said that I’d be hysterically crying just hurting myself. And he would restrain me from hurting myself. And that would just freak me out more because I hated being restrained. It was scary because I didn’t remember these things. Then it happened in public. And it was because my ex-husband found out that I was about to get an emergency restraining order on him because despite my feelings, I just didn’t want any more drama or problems so I tried coparenting with my abusive ex. Which might’ve been the worst thing for my son other than staying married. My son went and fed for 24 hours at a time on two separate occasions. He was also gotten high on marijuana by his father in an attempt to get him to go to sleep, because my son had sleep issues because of anxiety and even more anxiety when he stayed with his father. So I was going to file for emergency custody. It was the weekend and I told a friend who I thought I could trust. And that person told my ex-husband who makes a lot of money to say the least. So he retained a lawyer over the weekend and that lawyer emailed me at 2:34am on Monday morning. That was the tactic he used because I was asleep. And he said that first thing in the morning he was going to file on behalf of my ex-husband for emergency custody due to blah blah blah. It was just the craziest things anybody could come up with. And I understand why a judge had to grant it, because I wasn’t there to defend myself because I didn’t get there in time. I got the email when I was getting ready to leave the house. So me and my boyfriend and my son rushed to the courthouse, but it was too late and I was served papers that the following day, I had to serve my son over to my abusive ex-husband. I had a major anxiety attack, probably the worst one I’ve ever had because I didn’t think I’d see my son ever again. I got out of my car and pulled over to a spot where my son couldn’t see me and sat next to my car and just started screaming and crying I couldn’t even help it. I started pounding my head with my keys and Hitting my head. My counselor now says that this is common. I’ve just been able to talk to people about this. It’s embarrassing. My boyfriend got out of the car and was restraining me. And that’s when things took a turn really badly. He was restraining me and I was kicking in screaming because I cannot be restrained. I know it safe for me and when I’m calm like now I’m glad that he does. But at the time I’m scared. And he was trying to hold me down and tell me to calm down and my son… The car to tell me to calm down but unfortunately during the struggle between me and my boyfriend when he was restraining me from behind, my son got knocked over. He just fell down and scraped his elbow. He didn’t even need a Band-Aid later on. But a passerby saw me screaming let me go and just saw my boyfriend holding me from behind and that my face was pretty beat up from myself, and called the police and said that my son was bodyslammed by my boyfriend and that I was being strangled. My boyfriend got charged with felony strangulation and child abuse which he easily could’ve thought because all three of our stories matched when we were questioned separately. But he took a really fast plea-bargain because he was afraid for me and my son, as he should’ve been because while he was in jail my ex-husband attacked me when I won in court and prove that I was abused for 10 years And the court granted me custody and we didn’t have to see him until DVPO renewal, but because of that event with my boyfriend CPS got involved. And because of his charge they did not like him and they were not hearing it. So the next time I had an anxiety attack and I had bruises on my face, I also hyperventilated and passed out at the wheel after I had a very stressful therapy appointment where I had to relive some very scary things . So CPS took my son, and placed him with my family thank God. But all my visits are supervised. And CPS doesn’t believe that I sell farm as much as I tell them and my therapists are treating me for it and they account for, and my local shelter who i’ve been going to for support group meetings for years knows my story and also knows that I self harm. But because my boyfriend took a plea bargain instead of fighting this charge just so he could get out of jail early, CPS thinks he did it when my face was bruised again. Now my son is not allowed to see him ever again when he comes home. On top of that, they are trying to reunify my son and his biological father who my son won’t even talk about with his counselor or any family members or anybody. He won’t talk about any events that have ever happened. So I don’t know that CPS takes me seriously when I tell them how dangerous it was and they never seem interested in seeing my pictures or listening to my story or anything. sorry for the long rant, but yes CPS can screw you up or when you leave. Especially if you leave too late and suffer psychological damage.
I am so happy that I came across this site. I left my verbally abusive husband three years ago and never went back. We have joint custody of our child who is now 13. This year was a very hard year and I found myself homeless and on drugs. Six months ago I decided that although my husband is verbally abusive the best thing for my child was to have stability and Shelter. I have been clean for six months and I am no longer living on the streets. There is no CPS case involved and I still have all my rights but the verbal abuse has not changed and he is not allowing me to see my child. He has taken my son cell phone and I cannot communicate with him at all only from contacting him or his parents. I don’t have the idea of living circumstances for my child yet but I am working on myself daily as well as working on having a bigger place to stay for the both of us. I do not want to cause more drama to my son and arrive at his house demanding that I see my son and I am left feeling helpless. I am willing to do anything that I can but it is so hard to show proof of his abuse because He does not respond to me via text or email and he only contacts me and cusses me out and to Graves and even more for leaving my side. If anyone has any advice on what I can do I am willing to listen. I And working on staying positive and battery in my life. I am completing the divorce as well as trying to find a bigger place to stay for myself and my son.
Janene, I'm so glad you came across HealthyPlace as well! Thank you so much for reaching out. I'm so glad you were able to muster the strength to leave your abusive marriage, that's a huge deal worth applauding. I cannot imagine co-parenting with an abusive ex, that must be so tough! And your other struggles, I am so deeply sorry for everything you've struggled with and worked so hard to fight, to overcome. There are many women's advocate resources out there I hope you will take advantage of. You may be able to get therapy, legal help, medical help, recovery, shelter, etc.... I'll include a link below. Janene, hang in there, it really sounds like you're trying so hard to do the right thing and get better. I believe in you. You and your son both deserve a happy, healthy, loving environment. Thanks so much for reaching out! -Emily
Abuse Resources
Ive been in an off and on abusive relationship for over 13 yrs he was physically abusive now hes just flat out disrespectful, verbally abusive he keeps threatening me he cant wait until i die, the last time time he but his hands on me he choked me out i left the Situation for a few years got married left my husband and went back i cant understand why i had another child by him she's one he dont feel financially he should help with them he calls me all Kind of bitches etc when i ASK if hes going to help with them he tells our 12 yr old when im correcting her that i am petty hes very disrespectful i want to move out of state i feel im on the verge of a nervous breakdown im tired mentally and emotionally
April, I'm Emily Sullivan, one of the co-authors of Verbal Abuse in Relationships, thanks for reaching out to us. I'm so sorry for your situation, that sounds dreadful. I think you may be on to something when you say you want to move out of state. Sometimes distance helps us more than anything. You and your children deserve a happy, more loving and stable environment. Have you reached out to your close friends and family? Do you have someone you can confide in, that is supportive of you? Also, reaching out to a therapist can be extremely helpful when dealing with these kinds of situations. I'm so sorry April. Your children deserve to see their dad treating their mom with kindness and respect. I hope you're able to plan a safe next step, like looking into leaving or reaching out for help. I'm rooting for you April. Thanks, Emily
This really isn't a comment but I need to talk about this. My son hates going to his father's house. He use to sleep there when he was younger he's go on Friday night and stay until Sunday afternoon. Things changed though i think because older now, hes 8. Okay so, it started about 6 months ago where every time i would drive him to his father's he would start crying and freaking out that he didn't want to stay there anymore. Would refuse to get out of my car. So if ask him why and he would just say mommy I want to stay with you. O told him you'll see me again and you have to stay with daddy. His father would come out to my car and get him. We did that a few times with our son. He's never tell me why . One weekend my son had his cell phone and locked himself in there bathroom and called me to please come get him. He was crying historically I felt so bad , but then I heard his step mother screaming at him and he said she scares him he wants to leave. I said okay hold on baby stay calm. So while he's crying she s still screaming from the other side of the bathroom door get off the fucking phone your fucking staying here. They she must of got into the bathroom and took his phone. Before I had a chance to call, my son's father calls me, I'm fucking done with this shit come get your bastard son fuck you fuck him let your fucking husband take custody of him! While I still hear my son crying historically in the back ground, hiabstep mother calling him a fucking baby your ridiculous your never coming here again. I was terrified so I literally drove 40 minutes down the parkway and got my son. When I got him he was standing on there porch with his cell phone white as a ghost. After that we got home and he was scared to go back there. He's 8 years old . Evebtually coming to now he only goes every other Sunday bc he's terrified to go there and sleep there. His father did apologize to me and our son about that incident but my son is terrified to be near his step mother. I barely get child support as well but I don't care about the money honestly, I care about my son going there even on just a Sunday to visit. He no longer sleeps there . Which my ex and I both agreed would work. My son never feels comfortable being there. He has finally told me that even times she. He would be crying to come home his step mother would sit him down in a chair and call him a little girl a big baby and tell him that while daddy and your little brother go out pumpkin picking I'm going to stare at you all day while you cry. When I heard that from my son he was in tears. Asking me why I make him go. Now my ex and I don't go through courts and honestly even when I don't get child support which is honestly barely ever I'm scared to go to court bc I feel like the judge would make my son sleep there for every other weekend and I know my son is terrified to sleep there. So I do not know what to do. I'm even scared bc my son step mother has even told my son that if mommy died you will be living with us and that's scares me to bc my 8byear old is scared that I might die now. I am not sick in anyway I'm 33 years old. I'm scared now just bc they will take him from my husband and my step children. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do to protect my child from his step mother. I have told my ex but he never says anything. All he says is well she s not as mean to him as she is to me and the baby who h is his and her 1 year old. I need advice badly.
My children are being made to see there dad even though he slapped most of there life screamed and shouted at my older children held his fist up to my 10 year old then. My kids are very emotional my son is violent towards there dad and others my daughter always cries its horrible to see they r refusing to c there dad and im at risk of losing them. I dont no wat to do
And Nicky I'm in New Jersey I'm not sure on the laws really here or where you might be ...butbypu know we see bad stuff happening to kids all thr tine bc of a bad parent or whenever and is as mom's want to protect our children why is it that the judge or whoever w ont help us protect the kids! It makes me angry bc it's like we have to wait for something seriously to happen before anyone listens . It's not right!
Hi Nicky,
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. If you're worried for the safety of your children, you should call the Child Abuse Hotline (Child Abuse Hotline 800-4-A-CHILD). If you don't feel that your children are in imminent danger but their father's verbal abuse is doing long-term harm, could you arrange to see a lawyer to discuss your custody options? It might also a good idea for your kids to see a therapist if that's something they feel comfortable with. Do you have a family doctor who could arrange this? The situation you're in doesn't sound fair or healthy for you or your kids, and it sounds as if you're very worried about their welfare.
I don't know your backstory, however, there are organizations that can help with situations like these. Please refer to our hotlines and referral resources page for more information, and good luck.
My sons mother uses our son as a pawn and has from the day she conceived, she found out she was preg. Left me that day told everyone it was someone else's yet would secretly say to me its best I just forget about it and my name will not be on birth certificate nor will the child ever carry my name well I took her to court and I now have joint custody and my son has my name, well he is now 6 and his mom has been pulling stunt after stunt trying to keep us apart in Nov she kept me from seeing or talking to him for 30 days by getting a protective order with false claims well I took care of that and right after I did she cut my days down to 4 a month when we had been doing 50/50 this hole time despite joint custody I never missed support nor a day I was to get my son unless she was mad then would refuse to let me have him and what could I do right then and there I've baught her phone paid her rent and car insurance paid all school fees baught all our sons clothes shoes pretty much everything on top of support she recently out of nowhere took away my days through the week and blames me for our son being mad at her I don't know what to do I can't afford a lawyer and she continues to try an damage my son and I's relationship she is absolutely jealous of it because hers isn't like ours I've never had to spank my child never because I talk to him with a stern voice when needed and she admits to whipping him all the time what should I do I feel like just giving in and letting her win I just can't take much more
I know exactly how you feel. My situation is exactly the same. I can no longer do this with my sons dad. I try everything to make it work. I even gave into joint custody. He still give me a hard time about everything for no reason. It's stressful I never imagined parenthood being like this. I'm at a place in my life where I dont know what to do.