Co-Parenting With An Abuser

My ex keeps threatening court, he keeps telling the little ones to never tell me anything, keep secrets, that they'll find out if little one does tell me. He tells her why we broke up which is all lies, he will promise her something and then post a buy on get on free voucher through solicitor making him look good, he tells child I am a bad mom, he tells child I don't pay for her, I need to put my hand into my pocket yet actually ive spent over 600 on her alone for uniforms, birthday, and new bedroom, he blamed other form of abuse onto me saying she'd not need councillor if wasn't for me when actually hes abuse isn't helping, he is always trying to make out im a bad mother who doesn't care when its totally the other way around, he charms others inc teachers, head mistresses, solicitors, social workers and police, he uses another women and his parents to be strong because his parent is an abuser and the other is scared and the girl he is with is obviously blind to it. He blames me to my child for everything going wrong in his life, he doesn't bother to call child in three weeks then starts being nasty when I get funny about him not asking how she is, then hen he does ask I reply ''oh my your remember you've got a kid'' he confides in our child about his personal life, relationships ect, he doesn't provide for child, he stalks me, he threatens me with court yet he breaks the court order HE forced into place, he is jealous of me being happy, he doesn't like to hear I am having fun. When I and my partner go to go out he cant have our child? he stops working in order to take me through court, he stops working when I used to break up with him and get with some one else in order to get me back because I had no money so I ended up back with him, he lies, he forced me into things I never wanted to do, he doesn't put childs needs first always how he feels and what he wants where do I end. These tips are really great and Ill try them :) anything worth a chance I really hope I can get some one to see him for who he really is because emy child is depressed a 6 years old NOT GOOD x

I am reading that (big shock) that the ex husbands still are abusive on the phone,
In person. No way. Insist all communication in writing. You do not have to speak
To these men at all! Set that boundary. Even hearing their abusive mouth
Disturbs your tranquility. He has no right to any access to you.

I am very disturbed to read that it is ok for my children to go with an abusive manipulative covert aggressive father, of which his sole purpose is self serving and is raising a future generation of aggressive behavior and future domestic violators! That is ok for my children to visit their father just because a decree says so and no one can do anything about it because it is an invisible harm, it's the slow silent death of the future and there isn't anything or anyone that do or can protect me or them without phisical evidence or paying over $1000, no one will rescue anyone, and the wicked and terrible bully will take advantage of those who are less protected and lost and in need of love.
This man whom constantly puts down their mother or bullies her in front of their children demeaning her as if she is nothing more than a comic strip, and the innocent laughs. Who teaches them how to rob, or do fraud, to steal cheat and lie.
The children forgotten and learned from him not to even obey me and disrespect me and any of the rules or boundaries that have always existed, but he has so brainwashed them to have him called everytime the I talks to them or ask of them something, and he continues to manipulates his ways and control them and me in the process by using them!
No I am not ok!
My kids within a year has gone from good sweet children to almost monsters!
And despite police phone calls because of sons running away, suicidals, attempts
I got only refferals and not help.
The system got to change!

I want to leave my verbally abusive husband, and have wanted to for some time. It is very difficult to leave your partner to protect your kids from witnessing this and yet the reward for that is instead of you being the object of the abuse your children now are. Or the abuse just continues on another level. This is what stops me from leaving. I can not tolerate the thought of what my kids will suffer and I try to come up with other ways to protect them, but can't. I realize my husband may not "abuse" the kids, but I have seen enough in my home of his unreasonable behaviour with them to know better. He has flat out admitted he would do whatever it takes to take my kids from me, and most recently he called the police on my after he verbally assaulted me while keeping me backed up against the wall just screaming at me, when I tried to get away I had to get physical for him to allow me out of his face. I see what's he's doing trying to make me look unfit, but seriously I don't want to be away from my kids for a minute, never mind 50% of the time, which he will probably be awarded. BTW the police understood the situation for what it really was and they were very supportive in trying to get me to get a divorce lawyer and get me out of here and away from him. At this point I think they are right, although my children were not here to witness this, this time, it's becoming more than anyone should have to deal with. And know I see he will prove there is something wrong me one or another even if he has to play dirty. He has now warned me from know on "I am going to get it" if I piss him off or go against "his authority in the house as a parent"
oh the court system is terrible ...how many woman stay for way too long due to fear of their ex's behaviour with the kids when the other parent isn't there to protect them. It's more than I can handle!

My ex was abusive (physically, mentally,emotionally). He was also a liar, cheater, alcohol-abuser,and porn addict. I was glad to make it out alive when things hit rock bottom. Because I did not report each instance, I have little proof, save the last attack which settled out of court. A few years post divorce, the screaming has stopped and been replaced with avoidance or false pleasantries in public. Great, but the problems are now passed to my child. My pre-school-aged daughter just told me he has a picture of a topless woman hanging on the wall (calendar). She described it and I assure you it's not artsy! It's porn. I'm so sick of his influence. WTF am I supposed to do to combat that? Should you really have to explain to someone why it's not ok to show porn to their child?

Samantha -
Reading your comment was like reading my EXACT experience. My ex would do the same thing to me - verbally abuse me to the the extreme..getting in my face, backing me into a wall, even holding me down so I couldn't get away from him. He would take my phone my car keys...it was hell. The issue is control. Abusers NEED to control you. When they feel they are losing the control, that's when things get particularly nasty. I had to call the police on my ex and when they arrived he had a wonderful story concocted about how it was ME who was abusing him. Abusers are great at turning things around to make themselves appear the victim
It is disgusting
The worst part is that my child still has to see her father and be subjected to his abuse and emotional manipulation. And as a child, she does not understand the abuse or even that it is abuse
..she is simply not equipped to be able to recognize it a and stand up for herself. All she knows is that dad makes her feel worthless. But she loves dad, so on some level she protects him by excusing his treatment of her. What results is an absolute stifling of her needs and feelings and a complete destruction of her sense of self worth and identity.It is heartbreaking to say the least, for me to have to watch this. This article was helpful, definitely, but I'd love to find some more in depth advice about helping your child set boundaries with an abusive parent..

Thanks for this. I'm up at 4:30 AM thinking about how I'm still allowing my ex to scare me. I'm mostly afraid she is actively doing what she can to turn my daughter against me. My ex is very manipulative. Even though I left because her emotional abuse got to be too much, she is playing a victim to anyone who will listen.
And I realize I have to plan, but take this situation one day at a time.
I'm going to try and go back to sleep now - I feel a little better.

Thank you for this. Its the little things:)

I finally left my abusive partner when our twins were nearly 2 years. We were in a same sex marriage. It was very difficult to leave, I had left twice before but always thought I couldnt cope so returned. She used to scream at the babies if they woke her in the night, swear and abuse them for pooing in their nappies or spilling food, punched holes in the walls, leave me at home for days on end with no car/food looking after little babies. And abuse me endlessly, the psychological abuse was intense. I never slept because I was scared to leave her with the babies... so I became incredibly sleep deprived. And I still feel like nobody believes me. She denies anything ever happened. She is a public figure, well known and that all added to the cover up. I feel that am still attempting to get out from under the fear of her. She isolated me severely and I am sure has told everyone who will listen that I am crazy. She would scream that at me constantly. In the end I decided I was crazy and went to a mental health respite... after sleeping for 3 days I had a much clearer picture. My boys are 3 years now, I am putting myself back together. She says she wants the boys then leaves them with people they have never met and goes away with her new partner... its agony. The law should not allow abusive partners access. But she has so many rights, its frightening.

This article is great. Can you please provide me any tips on getting my current partner to be more supportive when I am trying to co-parent with an abusive ex.

I have been separated from my ex for approximately three years, and even though I still keep fighting to have sole custody, as I have evidences that my daughter might be in danger (by the way child protection can be useless sometimes), I still refuse to say anything bad about my ex in front of my daughter. I also make sure that she can feel safe around me, by showing her that I can stand in the middle of any legitimate battlefield for her. This way, when she gets older she will able to see the differences between good and evil, and feel confident that I will always be there for her, even after I'm dead. Many women might think that all man are bad. However, I believe that the ones who think this way are usually a part of these problems as well. This is my opinion that it is important to stay impartial and rational so that my daughter can grow up normal.

I wanted to say thanks for an excellent article. And offer hope to all those going through this. I got divorced 13 years ago and had 3 daughters who at the time were 2, 4 and 5 years old. Over the years I've dealt with and continue to deal with much drama from him. The girls have grown up and become fine young women. And each in her turn has realized on her own that their father is emotionally abusive. They've had therapy and I've provided a loving, supportive, stable, safe home for them. They developed coping skills and have learned to draw the line with him. The oldest has had to take the step of cutting off all communication with him because he had recently become much more abusive, harassing and full of rage. She came to the correct conclusion that she did not need to take that behavior. It makes me so proud to see them have the strength and self respect that I didn't have until I was much older.
Take hope survivors! We can teach our children love, respect and self worth even in the face of the ex's continued abuse. It's far from easy and can break your heart to see them go through it, but kids can do more than just survive, they can thrive. Believe in yourselves and them. The law may let us down by not seeing the danger of verbal and emotional abuse, but we can get through it and maybe one day bring about a change in the system that fails us and the kids in these situations.

Unfortunately, emotional and psychological abuse are very wide spread. According to Childhelp, about 11% of child abuse is physical... what makes up the rest? My child is 5 and is being psychologically abused by my ex-spouse, he even pointed a gun at her claiming that he will kill us. My child is in therapy. I believe England is working to rewrite family law to address the issue. The same needs done in the U.S. courts. Do a search for "Cinderella Law". As parents we continually need to remind both legal professionals and counselors of the disconnect here in the states and how the issue needs immediate attention.

Actually you can stop your child being abused. You stop allowing visits and you go to a lawyer, then a paediatrician, then a child abuse foundation, then a councillor and then court. You put in effort and time and make your child the absolute priority of every second of your spare time. You do not allow your child to be abused and you do not allow your partner to dictate anything. If the court doesn't support you then you appeal, you get more evidence and you promise your child that no matter what happens you will watch like an eagle every move that is made. I am sick of this modern day turtle behaviour, fight for your children. Question the law. Do not under any circumstance let anyone hurt your child in any capacity.

Thank you, Amelia, that is what I'm trying to do. Thank you for your encouragement. I agree, no child should be abused. Abusers control. If a child says they don't feel safe, then they don't have to go to visitation.

I feel the same as Blanca. I left the man who mentally and verbally abused me and my kids. He also physically abused my 9yo son (not his). Cps got involved when my son told his teacher. He didn't tell me because i was in a high risk pregnancy. At one point after i left my ex, he was allowed contact with our baby by order of Cps. That lasted a few weeks. A while later when I told them the signs of abuse I was seeing her display, they said I should hope for the best. What? Then they dropped the case for lack of evidence but berated me for having failed to protect my son against someone that claim did nothing. He spent the last few months of our marriage convincing his family and mine that I'm a sociopath, pathological liar, and drug addict. But I passed a drug test every month for over a year. In the end, I became custodial parent. I have been diagnosed with ptsd. He continually curses me and calls me names on the app any time he wants. Does not go to designated drop off location. Instead makes me go to his house. He has not complied with the court order to give me copies of the baby's pics, instead sent a pic of him flipping me the bird. And threatens to take my baby. Is there really nothing I can do to stop his behavior? My mental health is greatly affected!

I wholeheartedly agree with Amelia Green. I am about to find myself in this difficult situation as I am due in March. That being said, from day one, I will protect her. She is alive, though she is not born and so I have already begun protecting her by leaving him. The wear and tear on my body and mind from his psychological abuse was affecting her, too. Fight for your children. As hard as it can be, it is our job to protect our little one. Thank you, Amelia.

Sadly, its not as easy as Amelia thinks. Most doctors are not going to be willing to stand in court and attest to emotional or psychological abuse because it is so difficult to prove. The author of this article, however, is correct and gives you the best way to deal with this.

Anyone can advise what to do if the ex continues to hurl verbal abuse and poison the children's minds by making himself the victimised parent. That's what my ex is doing. The divorce is over and he plays the blame game. He saw a Facebook post stating that I am in a relationship with a female colleague and literally took that to mean we are lesbians without reading the following comments made by others about the actual friendship.
He also refuses to comply by a court order to pay half of the fees incurred by my second child who is in my care or hand me the child's passport..
I live in Singapore.
I can't afford hefty legal fees. .

There is no protection from Child Protective Services from abusers who are not leaving physical marks on the child. In my grandson's case, someone from the school reported him after he choked my grandson (something he used to do to my daughter). They put a note in the ex son-in-law's file, then did nothing more. My grandson tells me that he is afraid to ask to use the phone to call his mom, as his dad will "hit me." When asked what he means, my grandson says his dad tells him to "shut up" and smacks him. He has shown my grandson a gun, and then told him he carries ammunition in his van. My grandson fears that his father will use the gun and ammunition to kill my daughter. My grandson tried to tell the cops, and the cop just looked at my daughter and told him that she had better teach my grandson gun safety, as "we don't take people's guns away from them in Texas."

I would appreciate some advice. I am a man whose been divorced with three kids for seven years. For the first 5 years my ex and I were model divorced parents. I paid extra child support, we did things together as a family, had keys to each other's houses, etc.
Then about a year and half ago I found out she was dating a registered sex offender who had molested two 12 year olds. Obviously, I objected and told her I was not comfortable with him being around my girls. Two days later I get a visit from CPS and she had accused me of having child porn, molesting my daughter and smoking pot with the kids. To any one who knows me this is laughable and of course CPS determined it was all bullshit.
After a year and half of legal battles, I now have a court order that he can't be around the kids (yes, she is still dating him)
My problem is that now my kids expect everything to go back to normal. That we will start doing things together again. For my own self respect and integrity I don't want to have anything to do with her, but this puts me in the role if being the jerk. I can't imagine someone telling a woman whose abusive ex-husband that they should still socialize together?
I don't want to say anything bad about their mother, but I refuse to be around this abusive woman who brought a RSO around her kids. What do I say?

Wow.
I have made the choice for my ex not to enter my home. My ex has criticised me for continuing with this choice, arguing that it disrespects my ex in front of the children. My ex allows me into their home. I found this article with a search for "allow abuser in my house". This article has probably been the most concise summary of exactly the things that anguish you most as a parent whose children must still go and be with a person you know, as the article says, "will at least verbally and emotionally abuse our children". It includes also probably the most concise summary of constructive suggestions and encouragements focused on the most important issues. This is an excellent article. (I had to laugh at the "Jerk" folder name :) )

My husband of 22 years is a narcissist, this I have accepted as I have understood more and more about verbal and emotional abuse, reading everything that is out there and now arriving here, on this blog. I have three children. My son is 17 and in treatment for PTSD, talking always about his father. My youngest daughter is 13 and is in therapy, always talking about her father, wanting him out of her life. He is not violent, but extremely covertly angry and aggressive, controlling his anger and making sure we know it, he is disruptive on every level of daily life, absent, withholding and silent, countering, blocking etc etc etc. But utterly charming and loved in the outside world, which he openly acknowledges sees only his fake persona. I get very little support from my extended family, who think I should be thankful that he supports me well financially and should also be sorry for him because he suffers from severe depression.
So, everyone talks about not bad mouthing the abusive parent, but I think, wait a minute, my children need acknowledgement that their father's behavior is disordered and unacceptable, that they have the right to expect better, and so do I. They need to know that their negative feelings about him are not wrong, that they must listen to and trust their instincts in their own lives going forward. They need to know that this is not the "normality" that they should accept for their own adult lives. I come from an emotionally abusive background, if anyone had talked to me openly about what was happening to me and my siblings as we were growing up, I would have known not to marry him and continue the cycle of abuse.
Now I "just" need to leave him.

Thank you for posting. It's so hard to co-parent with an abusive ex. All I want to do is walk away forever, but since my children still are involved with him, I have to maintain some kind of communication. He uses every opportunity, even such texts/calls as re: doctor's appointments, etc., to completely berate me. We're only a few years out from our divorce, but he's spending more and more time with the kids and really working on turning them against me. I don't think he is mean or abusive to them- just me. So they don't understand when I refuse to speak to him in the doorway of my house, or want them to "FaceTime" with him in their own room where I don't have to see or hear him. They think that the boundaries I'm setting for myself are because "I'm mean," which plays right into his dialogue about me. When they want him involved, it's always painful to me- how do you handle that? For instance, he asked to spend extra time with my daughter alone this weekend, and when I put some limits on it for my own comfort, he immediately went to calling me "crazy" and saying I am going to hell. So I said 'Nevermind, no extra time.' It's just not worth it, but I don't want the kids to suffer :( My daughter wants to see him, but then he uses the opportunity to be awful to me and I'm stuck in a lose/lose. Me or her. Any advice is appreciated.

My abuser and I were together for 14 years. left my abuser 4 years ago thinking my kids would want to be with me, but to my devastating surprise they wanted to stay at their own house that they grew up in.
I was a stay at home mom who cleaned took care of them when they were sick brought them everywhere they need to be.put on birthday parties made sure they had everything they needed. Their father paid for all the bills.
he was the type to be in control, would like to be little me , not let me finish sentences and make me feel worthless. I would get yelled at if I was making eggs and they broke. If the plastic collar on a milk jug was not removed he would be very angry. He would make me feel guilty for hanging out with friends so I just wouldn't go anywhere. I even felt guilty going to the grocery store by myself because he would ask , who did you see? who did you talk too? see anyone you knew?
I could go on and on but my main concern is why do my kids want to stay with him?
he lies to the government and what he makes because he owns his own business.him and the kids get help from the government and I pay him $600 a month for child support. He doesn't send the money on clothes or shoes for the kids he is for bills even though I know he has money..he has the house two vehicles and all the toys. The first two years I live in my parents now I live with my boyfriend. i buy the kids clothes shoes haircuts sometimes personal products because I feel bad that they do not get there at their dads house but they continue to want to stay at his house. Why?

My grand-daughter recently got divorced from an emotionally and verbally abusive man. She has a four year old son and the court has awarded joint custody...He lives close by so now he is at her house every day and night...I am upset that she has allowed this to happen..She claims that he is treating her nicely...This man is an alcoholic and an abuser...I believe he is a sociopath ...Why would she want to be near this man...she has spent thousands on lawyers (money she had to borrow) and has been to counseling..I would like your thoughts on this situation.

Thank you for this article and everyone's posts and responses. I'm at my wits end. I want to simply ignore my ex's nasty emails, lying, bullying, and emotional abuse. It's non-stop and increases in intensity when I am not willing to respond to it. Our son is 7 years old. He doesn't want to go with his father lately. He cries when he knows it's almost time to go and has not gotten into his car willingly. He has fears and behaviors that are alarming and sad. Everything positive I try to do for our son (even when he agrees on it) eventually turns into a nightmare. He has called the Father at my parish to say horrible lies about me. He has called our sons pediatrician threatening legalities when she referred our son to therapy. He called the office of the therapist organization doing the same to the point they wouldn't get involved. Any extracurricular activities our son wants to do, and his dad gives consent to, he decides not to follow through on his visitation citing "it's his time and will do whatever he wants". He degrades our son for his interest in arts and is no sending lots of bullying emails to me to get him started in intense sports to start him on a professional path which is what he thinks our son needs. What? My son has come home with the need for medical attention (croop, acute gastroenteritis, and now whooping cough). But it's always someone elses fault that in his visitation it's someone else s fault (my dog, my nephew, me, and of course it just didn't happen when with him). He gave my identity to a girlfriend and even though it left me in a lot of debt that isn't mine, the court just ignored it. She gave this woman gifts sent to my son and I from his parents and his friends to this woman. Now he is married to another, which he didn't tell me or our son about. I found out on the internet. Now all of a sudden it's "they know how to take care of him best" and with the last round of whooping cough (came home after four days with them w/out so much as a note about his symptoms) is accusing me of making it up. 8 year of this never mind watching him talk to my son in a degrading manner at time at pick up. That's just some of it.
Ok, so I have had letters written by my son's pediatrician, teachers, and principle all addressing our son and the help he needs and observations and confidential talks they had with our son. The court, ignored it. Why? Because he has an expensive lawyer who deflects in court and comes at me accusing me of unfounded abuse toward our son and using my own therapy to deal with all of this as a sign that I am mentally ill and I make my son sick. He doesn't even want him for periods of time then gets a new gf or wife and suddenly it starts all over again. If I ignore abusive emails, I get his lawyer writing the court I'm uncooperative because I won't respond to some of his emails. The court never has let me tell them I do respond, if it is not abusive and reasonable. It's beyond frustrating as he continues to try to control what he wants (which is ever changing and all about him, not about our son or everyone in his life). Yet if I say "can we discuss why our son is having a difficult time when it's pick up" he turns it around on me, will not speak to me, and/or takes it out on our son. I'm at a loss and have lost all faith in the court system.

So glad I stumbled onto this site and this post. My princess is 8 months old and I am beside myself with allowing him and his family time with her.
We were in a bit of a bad place for a while, then I fell pregnant and hoped that since it's what we both wanted, it would all start to get better.
I was wrong, he and his family can't think without each other and his mother calls the shots. All our arguments came down to me not being a priority and eventually feeling we were more like strangers sharing a flat than the 'soulmates' he tried to convince me we were.
When baby was 3 weeks old, after me breathing a sigh of relief every time he left the flat, and breaking my heart every day I found the strength to say enough, I can't take any more. It's not good for me or this poor baby. So he moved out the next day.
Our relationship obviously got off to a good start, nice gifts, dinners, quality time together....for 5 minutes. He played football any opportunity he could, played lottery religiously, drank and spent time with his lads. Not a big issue, until it leaves us so skint he has to borrow from his parents to get us to pay day and me with no chance of doing anything social with my friends.
We HAD to spend every waking moment we had spare at his mums with his family. So my family fell out with me, I lost touch with friends who probably thought I was making excuses to not go do things with them as I was mortified to say we had no money.
Slowly but surely, feeling completely alone I withdrew further from his family and again, somehow I turned out to be the bad guy, his family love worship and adore me, his young nieces and cousins love spending time with me....how could I be so cruel as to cut myself off from them?
It's their way or no way and I can't live like that. I don't want my daughter to either. That's why I left him.
His family have always been a little off with me, especially if I didn't agree with them or step in line with their choices. But it had got worse when he lost his job - yes he lost his job and somehow I was the bad guy. So of course I was totally disrespected and hated when I kicked him out, I messed his head up - we wound up trying to give it another go.....and then I found him flirtaciously and inappropriately messaging 10 yes 10 different females. So now he's not just a mentally and emotionally abusive person but unfaithful and a bare faced liar to boot.
When she was born, we came to the arrangement that we would register her with my surname, as we were unmarried, I was going to be a stay at home mum and I feel it's unfair that as soon as baby is born they become property of the parental family (sadly this is the case for me and mine). I was never going to take his surname when we married, but agreed that I would if she could take my surname until then. He agreed, we got her registered - his mother went ballistic. So he came home shouting and balling telling me I'm a selfish control freak. How could I disrespect his family and not care!? Demanding we change her name immediately.
As a result his entire family have now refused to be in my presence, his mum and dad can't even acknowledge me in asda even when I'm holding the grandchild they are so desperate to spend time with.
I have been alienated, his mother has ranted on facebook about me (indirectly of course). Because they haven't got their way they are now making things as difficult as possible. My 36 year old ex has ran to his mummy to tell her I'm the big bad wolf and now she is pulling his strings.
Our entire relationship my salary covered our joint outgoings leaving me next to nothing so we lived off what he had left after paying his debts and his car. When he moved out, knowing I was skint as I was having to adjust to less money and running the house all on my own he called me demanding 500 I owe him? He contributed to this flat I'm in so he's entitled. His mum gave us money to help with deposit and we never gave it back (luckily it went through my bank so I had the transfer details).
I am a pretty strong minded independent person, thanks to my own mum and this didn't conform to his mothers liking so I am easy for him to make in to the bad guy.
My ex isn't 1 who likes to look bad in front of people. He will spin his own half truths to make himself the victim. It's always everyone else that's out to get him.
For 4 years I was put down by his entire family, maybe they hoped to wear me down and make me conform to their way of thinking.....so now I havent I am public enemy number 1.
For the same 4 years he managed to cutme off from my family and a lot of my friends, I'm still trying to build bridges - they couldn't understand how such a strong willed person could change so drastically. My confidence, my self worth and actually knowing who I even was - gone.
Luckily I have a beautiful baby girl to raise and she gives me strength every minute of every day.
Now, however, I have a narcissist for an ex, a manipulative serial bully in the shape of his mother and sister who are demanding time with this defenceless child. His dad was diagnosed with terminal brain tumours a few months back, so on top of the put downs name calling and telling me I'll be taken to court I'm being emotionally blackmailed as his father is dying!
He has told me his father is depressed, cries all the time, lashes out, the house is always tense or upset - why does he want to inflict that on this poor baby girl?? Oh yes, because he's selfish. He and his family don't actually care about her, they just want to keep face and keep up appearances - as long as they can still dig at me, think they are getting 1 over on me and can post pix of the "happy family" on Facebook they are happy.
They didn't even get her a Christmas card let alone present - FOR HER FIRST CHRISTMAS!!!! I'm not materialistic but come on!!
Their house is toxic, the negativity and contempt they all have for me will obviously effect my poor darling girl. She went round for half an hour the other day to be crowded by 6 near strangers - came home....and was up and down all night.
He has no idea how to be with her, if she cries just give her something to eat, he holds her all the time instead of letting her explore and play. He has no regard or respect for the consistency structure stability and security she needs and his family think she's a prize.
I can't bare the thought of them spreading their poison onto her. She is the happiest smiliest baby I've ever known - I'd die if they took that from her.
I have saved myself, long way to go til I'm me again but every day is another step for me but I feel selfish inflicting them on her without me there with her.

I need some advice. My son is currently 2 weeks old and his father is not on the birth certificate while we were dating he was physically mentally and verbally abusive towards me and come to find out I'm not the only one he's done this too he was very forceful with a lot of things and is the biggest manipulator I have ever met . He is now out of jail and wants to come see my son I'm scared for my baby's safety and don't know what to do. I want the best for him and I feel like it is to keep my son away from him but other people keep telling me I am wrong. It is very stressful especially since my son is currently in the NICU but he doesn't think he needs help and I just want the best. Am I in the wrong for keeping him away?

My 40 yo daughter has suffered through 11 years of 24/7, ever escalating verbal and psychological abuse. She is currently separated, co parenting two wonderful, but suffering children. She went through multiple miscarriages due to the stress, demeaning onslaught and accompanying medical conditions. She has created a home of love for herself and her two children but the father continues his onslaught via emails, texts, phone calls face to face onslaughts in front of neighbors, etc.
she is still under his emotional control and she has become nearly broken.
Although she initially provided most of the income and supported his career development he believes she deserves nothing and he remains barely compliant with the divorce arbitration process.
What help can she get, she has barely enough funds to maintain a small household. She was once a vibrant, happy, giving woman and it breaks our hearts to see all of that destroyed.

My ex husband has been verbally abusive to my 11 year old son over the course of his life. He does not spend time building a relationship with our son, just discipline. We separated 2 years ago. Jeff lives in another city but comes every 2 weeks for visits. The visits seem like a chore for him. He has no patience for our son. So he screams at him and pokes him. My son remembers when jeff called him a jackass at the age of 3. Today, when he brought our son home after the weekend, he screamed at him in the basement and hit him for the first time. I told him to leave. My son says he's scared now. Should i go to cps. I live in canada. Scared to make the next move and not sure what to do. Any help or advice?

I lost custody of my boys because I spoke up in court about their father's abuse and they decided it was "alienation syndrome." They were being emotionally abused and when I tried to protect them (not out of spite, but out of caring) my boys were given to the man who was abusing them. That was many years ago and I can tell you that the boys did not thrive in his "care." Neither of them is a healthy adult. I could never get the court to see how this man behaved behind closed doors and I was punished for trying.

Thank you for posting.
I'm 32 now but met a nice older man when I was just 22. At first he was prince charming then one day he became jeckyl and Hyde. He lied to me and said he had a Brain injury to excuse his erratic behavior. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, I spent 8 years 10 months walking on eggshells. My heart would sink when I pulled into the driveway and realized he was already home. He belittled me, robbed me of every freedom even the littlest things.
Then one day I realized he was sexually abusing our then 1 year old, I got the strength of an army! I ran and for the first time went to the police, hospital, then therapy, CPS, all court dates etc. I did EVERYTHING right and by the book. I thought I was Free! Finally I could live without fear. I had given up my career earlier to be a stay at home mom so I couldn't afford an atattorn but I believed in the justice system and I believed that Judges are just and always do whams best for the kids-yeah right.
Ive kept on fighting for my daughters sake. I came out on top not once but 2x in Family Court mediation yet ended up LOSING my 2 year old to our abuser.
Race, Money, Stigma of sexual abuse? I dont keep know why I lost but
the abuse is ongoing and now I have to suffer worrying about her. My worrys are realized when I see her and she begs relentlessly for my help and tells me he's still hurting her. I call the police and they basically laugh in my face or ask degrading questions like "well what did you do? "Judges usually dont do this unless.........
Its a nightmare that just never ends- I cant stress enough that I did everything RIGHT and yet am still left with the most horrific outcome imaginable. My life is ruined. My daughters life is ruined and each week I have to make nice with a monster.
Were going on 10 months of this battle, I needed to read this so badly!

I just left my abusive husband about a week ago. I am having him served with a protection order and started divorce. But I'm pregnant. I really don't want him involved. I had to fight my way out of my own apartment and he still chased me to the car. He's military and being well taken care of. He pays rent for our apartment but doesn't live here. BAH is alot of money and he pockets 2000 a month. I work part time retail and haven't been able to pay my bills. I really have no idea how I am going to make it with this child. And I worry if i tell him so that I get child support and tricare for my child or any help from the state I risk that childs life. I know he will fight me tooth and nail for visitation if not custody out of spite. I'm terrified and I do not know what to do. A lawyer is not even an option. I've been to several legal advocates but unless I am going to court I don't have a lawyer I can talk to about options. I really don't know what I should do.

I left my abusive ex husband 2 years and two months ago after 10 years of 'trying to make it work'. I have 2 children. He continues to send me abusive texts and throw tantrums and I wonder if my kids will be ok. It has broken my heart to see them have to be subjected to his emotional manipulation. I get sad, wish I could have provided them with a decent father. They love him, but they don't understand his behavior.

Thanks for this article - it's the only helpful resource I've found for how to manage when you still have to have contact with your abuser.
Best wishes to everyone out there going through this mess.

A lovely and truthful article. I can see how substantial the content is.

My daughter left her abusive husband of ten years, over two years ago. They have joint custody of a 6 yo and 4 yo It took this long for me to recognize the daughter I once knew. She has started therapy and has been diagnosed with PTSD. She still sometimes succumbs to his control and abuse. The children are complaining of the same type of verbal and mental abuse she suffered. She wants to help them but doesn't demean him in any way to the kids, which I wholeheartedly support. She's tried taking him to court. DFS said there were no findings of abuse. They spend their time with the girlfriend, (who never wanted kids) because his job is time demanding. I have found some really good advice here, some other things to consider as well, but how do I as a grandparent help my gifted granddaughter who comes to me crying about the last episode of abuse? What do you say when they don't want to see daddy anymore? He is so narcissistic that he will not have a conversation about it. I am afraid things will escalate at his house if anyone intervenes. They are so young and already speak of mistreatment. Clearly the court system and local services are not supportive. My daughter is so afraid that whatever she does, he will take the kids away. He's already won in court. He makes a very good living while my daughter hasn't yet. She feels he has snowed everyone, even her closest friends, so much so that she doesn't have a chance. I am the step mother to my husband's son from his first marriage. I never badmouthed his mother to him, even though she was mentally unstable. Years later we are mother and son. She is out of his life of his choosing. He tells me repeatedly how much he respected the fact that I never berated his mother to him. The abuse he suffered at her hands was criminal. He's 40 yo now and just climbing out of the past. I want to do more, be more supportive. I think a child of 4 and 6 yo should not have been exposed to this. I can see their spirits changing. Help.