How Child Sexual Abuse Impacts My Schizophrenia
I survived sexual abuse as a child, but did it contribute to my later diagnosis of schizophrenia? Research suggests a possible link between psychotic disorders and childhood trauma, but the exact nature of this link remains unclear.1 The significant impact of child sex abuse on my life, however, is indisputable.
Child Sexual Abuse Changed My Life
I was nine when I was sexually abused by a family friend. He brainwashed me over the course of several years and it took a significant amount of time before I even realized the nature of what was happening. When the fog lifted, I was overwhelmed almost instantaneously. My state of mind morphed from the structured innocence of my childhood to the anarchistic hell I’ve known since. My mind cracked.
I wanted to go back to being brainwashed; I desperately tried to pretend that nothing had happened. Then the responsible party called to discuss future plans. I’ll never forget the moment when I finally mustered the courage to tell my mother. I slowly walked down the stairs and stated with dread: “He [name redacted] is a bad man.”
The truth came flooding out and I actually felt significant relief. My relief was short-lived, however. I was asked to testify against the perpetrator in court. The moment I arrived outside the courtroom and took a seat next to the man who stole my innocence is seared into my memory. I nearly wet myself out of sheer terror. It took years to overcome the fear that he would hunt me down and take my life; I’ll never overcome the horrors of testifying against him in court.
The Link Between Childhood Sexual Abuse and Schizophrenia
The link between my traumatic childhood and my diagnosis of schizophrenia torments me. I began to experience paranoia long before I heard voices. I became deeply suspicious of everyone and everything around me after I was abused. I loathed authority figures and I constantly questioned the motives of those around me. In some ways, my current symptoms represent a more pronounced, debilitating version of those I initially experienced.
That’s what troubles me. I constantly wonder whether my issues are related to schizophrenia or to unresolved issues pertaining to sexual abuse as a child. My therapist is very familiar with my obsession related to this question. She refers to my behavior as “mental gymnastics.” The irony is that, unlike physical gymnastics, mental gymnastics aren’t beneficial to the participant.
Does a History of Child Sexual Abuse Impact Schizophrenia?
How does my history of child sexual abuse impact my schizophrenia? I really don’t know. And ultimately, it doesn’t matter. It is not important that I determine exactly which symptoms are due to child abuse and which are due to schizophrenia. It is not important that I fully understand what contributed to the onset of schizophrenia. What is important is that I stood tall and faced my abuser to protect others from suffering a similar fate. It is important that I partner with my therapist and medical provider to improve my mental health. Above all, it is important that I never give up.
From a young age, I embraced a simple truth that has yet to fail: determination conquers all. Whether you suffer from mental illness or not, there may come a time when you feel that you can’t possibly go on. I felt this when I was sexually abused; I felt this when I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. But with the support of those around me, I placed one foot in front of the other and stepped forward. Nothing can stop me from moving forward. Never give up.
1. Friedman, Trevor and Tin, N.N., "Childhood Sexual Abuse and the Development of Schizophrenia". Postgraduate Medical Journal. August 2007.
Law, R. (2019, February 4). How Child Sexual Abuse Impacts My Schizophrenia, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, March 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/creativeschizophrenia/2019/2/how-child-sexual-abuse-impacts-my-schizophrenia
Author: Randall Law
Oh my gosh! I can't begin to explain the myriad of emotions that I experienced reading this. My heart breaks for that child and his lost innocence for understand that feeling of betrayal all too well. Less than a handful of people are aware of what occured to me one summer afternoon in July 1963. A neighbor that I adored as a grandfather figure sexually assaulted me. Convinced me that it was okay and threatened to hurt my parents if said anything. Long story short I was so afraid to tell anyone that it continued throughout the summer. I found the courage however when he asked me to bring my two year old brother to him. The experience forever changed my life. I no longer trusted men. I never had to face him in court as no believed me. I was simply seeking attention. It was my darkest secret.
Now our situations are different but similar, and after reading your blog and listening to you I felt compelled to share this part of my life with you. Your words of never giving up ring loud and clear to me. I know the courage it took to tell this story, the fear you felt for I too felt that tonight. Randall, thank you for not giving up, for continuing to demonstrate your strength and for sharing this emotional event in your life. Remember this....not all heroes wear capes, some are a bit broken and scarred.
I hope you understand that I was not trying to make light of your situation, but rather make a connection.
I am so sorry to hear of what happened to you and commend you for the courage to protect your sibling. I am so sorry to hear that you weren’t believed. I know the feeling from my court experience. Thank you very much for reading and sharing.
Wow...just WOW! Wow for your endurance, courage, empathy, and forward movement. Thank you for sharing. And keep talking and sharing. I'm listening
Thank you so much for your kind words and for reading Kathryn. I really appreciate the support!
the statement not all heroes wear capes was never more true. I had no idea Randall. That was one strong kid to do what you did at such a young age. And that strong kid grew into an even stronger man. I believe you truly are and can be and inspiration to others.
Thank you so much Brandon. I’m lucky to have a great friend like you.
Thanks so much. :( was much younger for me. The baggage carried on all my life.
Thank you for reading Teri. I am sorry to hear of your experience and hope that you will be able to find comfort despite what happened to you.
Indeed, child sexual abuse presents yet taboo theme in community even numerous anti child sexual abuse laws. This turmoil psycho-physical abuse impact profoundly normal mental development of sexual abused child, causing and provoking different and irreversible mental disorders. Among them schizophrenic psychosis is the most dangerous implication around this nebulous child abuse. In this extreme social prohibited issue the innocent victim remain the abused child, because ignorant attitude of community ruins psycho-social integrity of respective sexual abuse child. So many immoral acts against this fragile persons remain uncovering and unproved by legal institutions. This mischance fact furthermore precipitate the emotional and psychological suffers of sexual abused child. So, it ought to open the Pandore case and freely to discus on this repulsive abuse of children at any time and elsewhere. Without this correct and unshyness approach toward sexual abuse of children the morbid outcomes of this perverse abuse would be more traumatic for sexual abused children. In addition, this statement confirms your heroic withstanding with your sexual abuse in childhood age in spite of serious mental disorder.
Thank you so much for your reading and for sharing your in-depth knowledge on this subject. I wholeheartedly agree that our approach towards child sexual abuse tends to make the abuse more, rather than less, traumatic.