How Child Sexual Abuse Impacts My Schizophrenia

I survived sexual abuse as a child, but did it contribute to my later diagnosis of schizophrenia? Research suggests a possible link between psychotic disorders and childhood trauma, but the exact nature of this link remains unclear.¹ The significant impact of child sex abuse on my life, however, is indisputable. 

Child Sexual Abuse Changed My Life 

I was nine when I was sexually abused by a family friend. He brainwashed me over the course of several years and it took a significant amount of time before I even realized the nature of what was happening. When the fog lifted, I was overwhelmed almost instantaneously. My state of mind morphed from the structured innocence of my childhood to the anarchistic hell I’ve known since. My mind cracked.

I wanted to go back to being brainwashed; I desperately tried to pretend that nothing had happened. Then the responsible party called to discuss future plans. I’ll never forget the moment when I finally mustered the courage to tell my mother. I slowly walked down the stairs and stated with dread: “He [name redacted] is a bad man.”  

The truth came flooding out and I actually felt significant relief. My relief was short-lived, however. I was asked to testify against the perpetrator in court. The moment I arrived outside the courtroom and took a seat next to the man who stole my innocence is seared into my memory. I nearly wet myself out of sheer terror. It took years to overcome the fear that he would hunt me down and take my life; I’ll never overcome the horrors of testifying against him in court.

The Link Between Childhood Sexual Abuse and Schizophrenia

The link between my traumatic childhood and my diagnosis of schizophrenia torments me. I began to experience paranoia long before I heard voices. I became deeply suspicious of everyone and everything around me after I was abused. I loathed authority figures and I constantly questioned the motives of those around me. In some ways, my current symptoms represent a more pronounced, debilitating version of those I initially experienced. 

That’s what troubles me. I constantly wonder whether my issues are related to schizophrenia or to unresolved issues pertaining to sexual abuse as a child. My therapist is very familiar with my obsession related to this question. She refers to my behavior as “mental gymnastics.” The irony is that, unlike physical gymnastics, mental gymnastics aren’t beneficial to the participant.

Does a History of Child Sexual Abuse Impact Schizophrenia?

How does my history of child sexual abuse impact my schizophrenia? I really don’t know. And ultimately, it doesn’t matter. It is not important that I determine exactly which symptoms are due to child abuse and which are due to schizophrenia. It is not important that I fully understand what contributed to the onset of schizophrenia. What is important is that I stood tall and faced my abuser to protect others from suffering a similar fate. It is important that I partner with my therapist and medical provider to improve my mental health. Above all, it is important that I never give up.
 
From a young age, I embraced a simple truth that has yet to fail: determination conquers all. Whether you suffer from mental illness or not, there may come a time when you feel that you can’t possibly go on. I felt this when I was sexually abused; I felt this when I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. But with the support of those around me, I placed one foot in front of the other and stepped forward. Nothing can stop me from moving forward. Never give up.

Sources

1. Friedman, Trevor and Tin, N.N., "Childhood Sexual Abuse and the Development of Schizophrenia". Postgraduate Medical Journal. August 2007.